Honey, I'm having gastric bypass surgery

I've written before about the need for a support system while tackling a weight-loss journey but there needs to be special attention paid to one important relationship: The one you have with your significant other.

I feel lucky that Erich married me when I looked like this. I've never been under any pressure from him to lose weight because I knew, right from the start, that he already loved me the way I was. Partly due to this, I believe, he was able to support me in a loving way with no ulterior motives about wanting me to look better for him; it was all about ME and how I felt. Of course, I imagine he enjoys the fact that I look better, too!

A dear friend asked me how losing 250 pounds has affected my and Erich's relationship. He said, "I can imagine how gaining 250 pounds would affect it and just wonder how losing 250 pounds would (affect it)." Erich is a man of few words. When he has something to say, there's usually a reason behind it and it's a good idea to listen. So he doesn't say a whole lot about what I've accomplished but when he does, it conveys the quiet strength and pride he himself possesses - and used to help me - that allowed me to reach my goals. Honestly I can't say he treats me any differently now than before. Love is love and it's always been there. Have I mentioned how lucky I am?

The required reading at Henry Ford for bariatric patients, Barbara Thompson's Weight Loss Surgery: Finding the Thin Person Hiding Inside You, includes a chapter for significant others written by Barbara's husband, Frank, that your spouse is also required to read. Frank begins by saying how scared he was at the thought of a doctor 'rerouting' his wife's intestines and the myriad of questions he had concerning not only the surgery itself but how both their lives would be affected afterward. Yes, he thought about himself. Of course he did! It can be a game changer and if your spouse isn't ready for the ride, bad things can happen.

I've heard stories of spouses trying to talk the patient out of surgery. "It's too dramatic!" "You're not THAT fat!" Or, of course the dreaded "Can't you just try one more time and do it yourself?" All of this is futile and the last one borders on abusive. None of it is what the patient needs or wants to hear. Education is critical. At Henry Ford, Erich was required to attend the nutritional and surgical education classes with me. He went to every doctor's appointment. He did all of that for me but for himself, too. He needed the classes just as much as I did.

When one person in the relationship changes so dramatically - for any reason - it can be tough on the couple. But with weight loss, the person who changes goes through a total transformation. Diet, lifestyle - everything is different. The way I see myself and the world around me is completely upside down from what it was, in so many ways. It makes me restless and the urge to get out and DO things is palpable. I can't be married to a couch potato and have this new life. Thank god Erich has been right there with me, willing to do new things right along beside me. His life has changed, too, and we're both so much better for it.

If you are beginning this journey and have a spouse who may not be totally supportive, I urge you to get some counseling before having the surgery because it WILL change everything about your life together and you must be ready for that. Make sure he or she is educated and understands the seriousness of your decision. If he or she is also overweight, you can do this together! Not the surgery necessarily, but when your habits change, theirs most likely will, too. That can only be a good thing...try to get them to see that. If they are still resistant well, maybe it's time to move on for your own sake. I know that may sound harsh but there comes a time when you have to take care of YOU. The longer you delay breaking free of your body, the shorter your time will be to enjoy it. And that's worth thinking about.

Guilt at the grocery

You know how some former smokers say they enjoy the smell of cigarette smoke? If they are around to inhale it secondhand, they enjoy it even if they know it won't make them pick up a Marlboro again. I know not all of them say that, but some do. Just go with me on this.

I'm finding a strange correlation to this behavior with me and some food. For instance, Cinnabon at the mall invokes a Pavlovian response from me. It's the craziest thing. I want to walk past it just to smell it. OMG, it smells like heaven. Frosted cinnamon rolls were one of my favorite things pre-op and that smell is just the best thing in the world. I go to the mall and I will smell it. On purpose.

Then there's grocery shopping. In the last few weeks, I've realized that I will go to the grocery store and do the following: I browse the bakery, the chip aisle. I always look. I go around and check everything out, pick things up. OH! A new flavor of chips is out. Interesting. How much sodium is in it? Which is less calories - the pecan butter tarts or the raisin butter tarts? I look at nutritional labels. Why I do that is beyond me. The information isn't going to get better with each viewing. And then I put it back. Well, 99% of the time. But I always want to look. There's a strange pathological need to visit my old friends.

Does that make me cuckoo? Probably. Ah, well.

The thing about the grocery store is that you need to stick to the perimeter. Fresh fruit, veggies, lean meats and dairy. That's what you want. The damn chip aisle is my version of the pink Barbie aisle at Toys R Us, though. I can't stay away. Actually, I like the Barbie aisle, too....

I've learned that there really shouldn't be any food that you "can't have". The minute you tell yourself you can't have it, you'll want it more. Before you know it, you're seeing dancing french fries in your dreams and your kid's head will start to resemble a Haagen-Dazs ice cream cone. I'm just sayin'. It'll make you nuts so just stop it.

Therefore, I do still eat the things that would make a nutritionist cringe. The difference between pre- and post-op is that I don't eat whatever I want, whenever I want it, and however much of it I want. I have a cheeseburger about once a month now instead of a few times a week. That sort of thing, you know? I do still want it but there's no way I will let a double quarter pounder come between me and what I've accomplished so far. Most of the time I don't even think about it but once in a while I do crave the bad stuff. I truly believe that's not a problem. You can't be a food nun 100% of the time and not be a robot, in my opinion. And if you are, then I bet you don't have many human friends. Again, I'm just sayin'.

Learning to live a healthy life is all about choices. If you're smart 80% of the time, you can be a little Lindsay Lohan-ish the other 20%. Go to the gym today so you can have a piece of chocolate tomorrow and savor it without guilt. That, my dears, is what's called WINNING!! (tm Charlie Sheen). I swear I'm going to do a blog on "winning". I freakin' love that.

That's not to say I don't still mess up from time to time. No one is perfect. Just get back on the horse and do the best you can. And trust me - you can do better than you think. You're stronger than you even understand.

No madness in my method

I've been thinking about this blog for a long time. About how to say what I feel without being overly emotional and/or judgmental. Well screw it. I'm just gonna let it fly.

With the new year came the obligatory diet ads scolding everyone for having fun over the holidays and attempting to shame people (read: women) into getting their fat asses into the gym and for god's sake, join Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig why don't ya!?! There are also tons of feature stories in popular press, smiling success stories fresh from their New York makeovers (how do I get one of those?...oh right...more on that later) gleefully professing their love of their new bodies. And good for them. No really. I'm very happy for anyone who can overcome chronic overeating.

This year, I watched these ads & stories on tv and read them in print with a new perspective. I suppose I always noticed it but this year something ticked me off more than usual. The major selling point in the vast majority of the success stories we hear proudly proclaim the lack of surgery to get there. So-and-so lost 100 pounds!! And no tricks, NO SURGERY!!

On the Today Show one morning, I heard Matt Lauer seek confirmation from the author of a weight-loss success magazine article: "These people did this without surgery, right?" What would've been his reply if she had said no? Get off the stage? They're not real success stories? Matt's co-anchor, Al Roker, is a bariatric patient. I kept wondering as I watched...what would Al think of that question?

While watching "The Biggest Loser" last season, I remember the show doctor quoting gastric bypass statistics and host Allison Sweeney shaking her head in...what? Sadness? Disgust?

A trainer on the show "I Used to Be Fat" was very dismayed to find out the mother of his client was a gastric bypass patient. He said he wanted the teenager he was charged with to lose weight "the right way".

Even Oprah Winfrey has uttered the 'no surgery' qualifier.

Why is this? What is it about bariatric surgery that makes so many people think it's easier than "traditional" methods of weight loss? Ok, yeah. I had my stomach surgically reduced. Do they think that was EASY? Do they think I would've done that if I hadn't tried over and over, for DECADES, the diets they espouse but failed me at every turn? Do they think I just lack the discipline and character to lose weight "the right way"?

I've blogged before about people's reactions when I tell them I had gastric bypass. I've never had out and out disdain but I have had people go from hugely impressed to an 'oh, ok, of course' kind of attitude. I've also been asked things like "So did you still have to exercise?" "Do you have to eat baby food?" "But you still have to watch what you eat, right?"

Seriously?

I was out to dinner once and someone noticed I was not attacking the bread basket like some of the others present. She said, sort of forlornly, "Don't you miss not being able to eat things, like bread?" I wanted to say "Well....I *can* eat bread. I am choosing not to because I want to save my calories for my meal and perhaps dessert. I make choices. I do have some self-control; I don't need my pouch to direct my eating at all times." But instead I just answered with "I can eat anything I want. I'm just not having the bread right now."

There seems to be a lot of misconceptions about gastric bypass. It's not the easy way out. It's not some "trick" we have played on you so we will lose weight and you won't. Yes, you still have to exercise (I'm amazed I feel the need to clarify that). Yes, you still have to watch what you eat. The surgery is a tool that will help you a lot, at least at first, gain control of your eating habits. You have no choice at first. The hope is that the new behaviors you learn during the "honeymoon phase" stick with you. You have to change your head in order to change your body. That part isn't easy for anyone trying to lose massive amounts of weight. Actually, I'm considering counseling to help me come to terms with why I think and eat the way I have and still sometimes want to. It's a constant struggle. There's nothing easier about it for me than anyone else.

Not everyone will succeed even with the surgery. Please believe me when I tell you I hear that ALLLLL the freakin' time. "So-and-so had it, lost 100 pounds but gained it all back." "My mother's cousin's ex-boyfriend had it but didn't lose very much." Yeah, yeah, I know. Funny how I never heard horror stories when I was on Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Atkins, Physician's Weight Loss, Deal-A-Meal, etc., etc., etc. I never heard a single thing but "Good for you! Good luck!" I hardly ever hear a gastric bypass success story. It's always the bad, like people want you to understand that you will not be successful long term.

It doesn't make any sense: Gastric-bypass patients' successes are often not valued with the reasoning that it's too easy. Yet, if it's so easy, why must we always be reminded that success will never last? Don't get too cocky!! It'll all come right back on just like Billy Joe Jim Bob's cousin Cooter. I honestly don't think this happens much to someone who loses 250 pounds the "traditional" way.

I feel defensive and apologetic at the same time. I worked my ass off for all 250 pounds I have lost. It's not like I had surgery and 250 pounds just magically fell off my body. Yet I sometimes hesitate to tell people how I did it because I fear the reaction that's coming. Oh, I tell them anyway. To hell with it.

Honestly, I do think it's too easy to *get* the surgery. And it's getting easier, which isn't a good thing, in my opinion. I saw on Anderson Cooper several weeks ago that restrictions are being relaxed on lap-band surgery in the U.S. I don't entirely agree with that. Surgery should be a point of last resort, for the truly ill.

But gastric bypass can be a life-saving choice. Why not make that choice? Why is the method by which I chose to save my life any worse than someone else's? After trying to lose excess weight since childhood, I found myself under 40 but with several life-threatening diseases directly related to my morbid obesity. Now tell me - should I have tried yet another diet or went with something that would let me see radical success short term, which in turn would perhaps give me the motivation to continue long enough to actually lose the weight and keep it off? You see what I'm saying?

I've lost the weight. I'm healthy, happy and am just so much better in every way. Why does the method matter? I did it! Isn't that enough to be celebrated in the same way as someone who loses weight on Weight Watchers?

Most people are genuinely happy for me - the great, vast majority are and I love them for it. I truly believe most of the problem is simply a lack of education. People don't understand what the surgery is or how it works. And it's too bad that the media keep perpetuating the myths.

My sweet friends keep telling me I should be on television - on Oprah, or Dr. Oz or something. What they don't understand is I can't overcome the method. The method I used to lose this weight is not well respected by the mainstream media. So I may never make it to Oprah or get my New York makeover. I am slowly learning about other, friendlier outlets through which to share my story. Letting others know there is a way out of the prison of obesity feels like a calling to me. Freedom is there; don't be afraid of the method, whatever you choose. Just get started and the rest will come.

A bump in the road?

Wellll, it's been a weird week.

First of all, I think I may have stumbled onto my first major side effect from gastric bypass surgery. Last Tuesday, I started to eat my dinner (chicken noodle soup and half a grilled cheese sandwich) and got only about half of it down before I knew something was very wrong. At first, it sort of felt like the typical "not going down well" feeling that I've come to recognize quickly and is familiar to most gastric bypass patients. So, I stopped eating right away. Chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese is something I have eaten many times post-op. Actually, I wasn't feeling well to begin with and that's why I chose those particular foods that night. They usually go down without any issues. But tonight was different.

Very soon after I stopped eating, I began having serious pain in my abdomen. It felt like my "pouch", or my stomach, was tensing up. Never having felt anything like that before, I got a little scared but just tried to ride it out. I took some Pepcid and went to lie down. It got much worse immediately and I sat straight back up in bed. Serious pain. At one point I thought "Ok...do I need to call someone or what?"

This went on for a while. As soon as it started to subside a bit, I went right to sleep. Completely worn out! Wow, it was really odd. I still didn't feel well the next morning, so I called in sick. After discussing some other symptoms with my dr., there was some thought that perhaps I had a gallbladder attack. Erich, who has experience with these things, agrees.

Gallbladder issues are common in morbidly obese people and are also a concern after gastric bypass. Before surgery, they tell you they will check out the gallbladder when you're on the operating table and if necessary, they will go ahead and remove it then. Mine was ok so they left it. For six months post-op, patients are put on a daily dose of actigall (called ursodiol in Canada) in order to prevent gallstones that sometimes come with rapid weight loss. At 19 months post-op, I thought I was out of the woods but maybe not. I go to my local family doctor tomorrow to discuss this problem and my ongoing menstrual issues. Yeah, it's fun to be me!

Thursday, the day I missed work, I tried to eat rotisserie chicken and boiled potatoes for lunch. This was before I connected the gallbladder thing; OMG, it started all over again. I stopped eating immediately and this time, the symptoms stopped, too. *whew* Scared the crap outta me. So protein=bad. Ok, body....GOT IT. Since then, I've eaten little except cereal, oatmeal, cheese & crackers, yogurt, etc. Mostly carbs. Sneaked some fish in on Saturday night and scrambled eggs, a veggie burger on Sunday. I plan to have actual ground meat tonight. Yeah, I'm easing into it. That pain was intense and I'm a wuss.

The good news to come out of all this is I've lost 8 pounds in 8 days. LOL! My body is so weird. You change its routine and BAM! the weight falls off. Losing that much weight eating CARBS! Only me.

I do have some further good news. My success story will be published in author Barbara Thompson's newsletter for weight-loss surgery patients. Barbara's book "Weight Loss Surgery: Finding the Thin Person Hiding Inside You" is required reading for all weight-loss surgery patients at Henry Ford Hospital - so I had to read it - and other bariatric centers all over the U.S. She also wrote the book "Weight Loss Surgery for Dummies". Her Weight Loss Surgery Center is a wonderful source of information and inspiration for all of us, pre- and post-op. When I sent her my story and pictures, I heard back from her within minutes.

Cool things are happening in other areas of my life, too. Losing the weight was only a small part of what I want to do and the rest is falling into place slowly. We'll see what happens. I could use some stress relief.

Recognition and idenitification(s)

I'm updating all my photo IDs and lemme tell ya, that is an experience in and of itself. My health card and driver's license were both up for renewal on my birthday. You should've seen the face on the lady behind the counter when she realized the difference between my photograph and the face on the woman in front of her. She looked back and forth a few times before commenting. "Well, you look quite different!" She whispered "How much have you lost?" and when I told her, well, she was astonished.

But the real scene occurred when I went to the next booth to renew my health card. That woman went through the same reaction, the same questions as the first lady. But then she started calling all the other employees over to see me and my old pictures! LOL! There was literally a line of customers out the door and the whole place came to a stop so the employees could ooh and ahh over me. OMG, I was a bit worried the people in line were getting pissed off but hey. It was only a minute or so. It's always fun when stuff like that happens. Turns out that second employee was on a weight-loss journey herself and was down 40 pounds so far - about halfway for her. I congratulated her and we talked about diet, exercise and The Biggest Loser for a few minutes while she took all the information to update my card, including a new picture.

Here's the before and after on my driver's license. The pics aren't pretty, but I just took them to illustrate the difference. The recent one looks like a mugshot. LOL! (click to enlarge)


I don't want to sound arrogant or anything but the look of awe and admiration on her face is something I won't soon forget. It made me feel like I have really accomplished something worthy of awe, admiration and recognition. Very cool.

My American passport is also up for renewal. I sent all the information to D.C. at the beginning of the month with a note attached explaining the wildly different pictures. LOL!

Expanding on the recognition theme: Last Sunday, February 13, I got to see myself of the show Provincewide. A letter I wrote in response to a story they aired a couple weeks ago about a man who lost weight and vastly improved his health made it onto the 'viewer response' segment at the end of the show. The morning after I wrote the letter, I got an email from the show's host Daiene Vernile asking my permission to use it and the before-and-after pictures I sent her. I have to admit it was pretty cool. Not a big deal really, but cool nonetheless. If you want to check it out go to the show's home page and find their link to the segment on the right-hand side under the heading "ProvinceWide, Sunday, Feb. 13, Part Four: Viewers share their opinions on recent ProvinceWide stories."

I have often blogged about how my head is not caught up with my new body yet. Jennifer Hudson recently appeared on Oprah and one of the things she talked about was her 80-pound weight loss on Weight Watchers - I think that's the first time she actually revealed the number.

So Jennifer is talking about how she still goes into stores and still reaches for the x-large when she really is a small now. How men look at her differently and she turns around to see who they are leering at. Oprah showed pictures of her in gorgeous dresses at performances and premiers and she talked about how she was so uncomfortable in some of those clothes because even though the stylist - and everyone else - was telling her they looked great on her, she still was thinking "Who do I think I am wearing something like that?" I totally identify with what she is saying and feeling. It takes a while to step outside your mind and look at yourself for who you really are.

I'm doing better at this. For example, I can pretty much eyeball a piece of clothing now and say whether I can wear it or not. Until quite recently, I still thought everything was too small. I still tend to err on the side of caution, though. A funny story from Saturday when Erich and I went to see a Monster Jam rally - oh yes. I got him tickets for his birthday in December. New experiences all around. So we're at the merch table looking at t-shirts. I ask to see an x-large. The guy working there looks at me and says "No, I think you're a large." So I look at the x-large while he's getting me a large and sure enough...the x-large looked too big. Do you know how cool it was for a stranger to take one look at me and say "No, that's too big for you. You need something smaller." Sweet.

Another shopping thing: When I was super obese, I bought clothes that I could get on my body first and looked at the style second. I thought I'd gotten over that but a glance in my closet a couple weeks ago brought an epiphany. There are things in there that I know, without a doubt, I bought just because I could wear them and not because they are flattering or even my style. "I can wear the x-large?? GREAT! SOLD!" Kind of a manic way to shop, right? Ironically, my getting caught up in being able to wear smaller sizes caused me to shop in much the same way I did pre-op. So I'm cleaning out my closet once again and starting to really pay attention to the things I buy.

Friday I bought a pair of "skinny" jeans. The surprising thing is they really do make you look thinner. I pulled them on in the fitting room not realizing they were skinnies. They were so tight but really looked pretty damn good on me if I do say so myself. I thought "what the hell is wrong with these jeans that they're so small?" LOL! Small, yet still fit. They're weird. Anyway, I bought them. $9.00 made them pretty irresistible. Only after I got them home and I was taking the tags off did I realize they were skinnies!

I'm doing a little better with my eating since my last installment. It's a process and I'm trying not to beat myself up too badly. Food is my drug of choice, no question. You know how stress drives some people to drink? Mine drives me to eat. I know I'm not alone there! But when I get the urge now, I'm fighting to find other ways to occupy my brain whether it's a walk, or playing with the two monsters (my cats) or something. If I find myself wanting to eat, I ask myself if I'm really hungry or just head hungry. Head hunger will kill you. But I won't go down without a fight!

An uphill fight

It's been a while since my last brain spill, so I'll get right to it!

The second anniversary of Sweeping Cindy has come and gone. WOW! I can't believe it's been that long since I started on this journey. I wrote my first blog on my 39th birthday and so much has changed since then. I'm 41 now but I sure don't feel 41! When I was 39, I felt about 60. It's all good.

Erich and I went to Niagara Falls once again this year. Last year, we splurged to celebrate my 40th. This year we did it again because on it's been 10 years since I took a long weekend from my job in Ohio to come visit my boyfriend, who lived in Ontario, to celebrate my birthday and Valentine's Day. I was a little upset at the time because I had expected to receive an engagement ring for Christmas and didn't get it. So once I got up here, my boyfriend took me out to eat at a local Applebee's (I love Applebee's). At the end of the meal, he slowly pushed a tiny velvet box across the table and asked me - very quietly and sweetly - to marry him. I remember I was in shock, but not really. LOL! I was hoping, you know? Still, when it happens, it's a bit surreal. Of course I said yes. That decision, along with the gastric bypass surgery, is the best thing I've ever done. Not a single regret.

So yeah, we felt like celebrating again this year. Niagara Falls is one of my favorite places, and I love it even more now that I can walk all over the place with absolutely no problems. It snowed like crazy and we ended up foregoing the shuttle back to our hotel from Clifton Hill. We walked for what seemed like 5 miles uphill in a blizzard. Erich was soaking wet with sweat by the time we got to the top. It really was quite a workout! Funny thing was, I felt like a million bucks when we got to the top of that hill. I was out of breath, my calves ached and everything but it got my adrenaline pumping like mad. I've come to understand that if you are tired, or in a bad mood, depressed or something - exercise can make you feel soooo much better. The endorphins that come with a good workout are amazing.

I'm having trouble putting into words the struggle I'm going through in my life right now and the effect it's having on me physically and emotionally. It's definitely affecting my diet. I'm still getting workouts in - and the desired endorphin rush does help - but the eating thing is a bit of a mess some days. So the weight loss has slowed to a halt the past week or so. I know enough to know that the two go hand in hand - you must work at your diet and you must move. I think this knowledge makes it even more frustrating to me, which in turn leads to more stress. I know what to do; why the hell can't I do it all the time??

No one is perfect - least of all me - but I do feel a certain pressure to be successful in my maintenance since I've lost so much weight and done it so publicly. I purposely set out to put myself in a situation where I can be held accountable to people other than myself - this blog and all of you are a big part of why I was/am successful and I want to continue that. I love it!! Yet I also don't want to live a life where food and exercise are all I think about 24/7. I just want to be normal and I'm starting to figure out that I can't be and won't be. Ever. Like a drug addict, it's a one-day-at-a-time thing that I will have to be struggle with forever. It's a difficult thing to reconcile and I'm still working on the balance, especially with all the crap being thrown at me right now (which I won't go into).

On a positive note, I did my own little Biggest Loser moment recently.

I have kept a few select pieces of clothing from my pre-op days and Erich and I thought it would be fun to see just how big my old jeans are. I'm a size 16 now. Actually more like 14, but I need the extra room in the 16 to house the excess skin around my lower stomach. The waistband of my 16s has enough room for a small toddler in there with me.

Pre-op, I had two pairs of "denim pants". I wouldn't really call them jeans. They were denim but with total elastic waists. Oh, and they were size 6X. Not a waist size - just size 6X. I kept a pair and now, I can fit into one leg.



We did a video, too - just because we're freaks like that:



I also saved the first pair of "real jeans" - the kind with buttons and a zipper - that I bought after I started losing weight. I blogged about how I cried in the fitting room when I got them zipped up. Well, those size-22 jeans literally fall off me now.



Luckily, music soothes the savage beast. I treated myself to a Heart concert in town this past Tuesday, the day after my birthday. I've wanted to see them since I was a little girl and heard 'Magic Man' for the first time. Here are a few links to video that I took: Alone, Magic Man, and a few clips that I strung together. Ann Wilson's voice and the rockin' tunes did wonders for my mood. At least for a day or two.

My girl Randi and I go to see Bon Jovi in Toronto on Tuesday. Talk about a stress reliever!! I am very psyched to see my favorite band!

I can't bitch too much. I'm good. Even if I never lose another pound, I'm ok. I have a lot going on but I'm healthy and I have a wonderful husband, fabulous friends and family.

It's t-shirt tiiiime!!!

Hello, my name is Cindy and I am addicted to t-shirts.

I bought two new t-shirts yesterday and after I hung them up in my closet, I thought "Damn. I'm getting quite the collection here!" I've always been a t-shirt sort of girl, but as much as I have always loved music and sports, I never had t-shirts to proclaim my love for my favorite band or team - or my support for a cause, or pride in heritage.

I did have a man's size-6x Ohio State shirt that I found once in a big and tall shop in Columbus, Ohio. I *treasured* that shirt and wore it till it was basically a rag.

When I was in high school, there were no shirts or jerseys for me. I was pretty much the only one who didn't have anything to wear come game day. Same for college.

A lifelong Cincinnati Bengals fan, I remember having one shirt when I was in junior high - it was also a find from a man's big & tall shop. You know, I still don't have a Bengals shirt! I have looked when I go home and, oddly enough, can't find them anywhere. I guess I'll have to order one online.

I'm going a little crazy buying every one I can get my hands on. At least I'm not buying designer dresses, huh? The affordability of this habit makes it hard to say no. LOL! Erich can't complain because he feeds the addiction. There have been several times when I've been in a store trying to choose between two shirts and he takes them from me and tosses them both in the cart. I guess he thinks I deserve to splurge a bit!

Take Bo Bice t-shirts for example. I can't tell you how it always killed me that I couldn't wear one. I spent almost 5 years sighing heavily at merch tables and online listings, wishing for a damn Bo Bice t-shirt. When I bought my first one, at the fan club party last year in Nashville during CMA Fest, you would've thought I had just scored the Holy Grail. I was a happy, happy girl that day! I have five years' worth of merch to buy...!!!!

Here are just a few in my ever-growing collection (click to enlarge):











Here's a link to all of them: T-shirt album.

There aren't enough days in the week to wear all of this stuff so I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Most of them I can't really wear to work even though my office is very casual (I would find it difficult to work in an environment where I couldn't wear jeans & a t-shirt to the office...sorry). I guess I'll just keep buying them till I'm satisfied that I'm all caught up on the stuff I should've been able to wear all these years. If that's the worst I do, then I'm ok.

I lost one pound last week, so that's six in total for The Biggest Loser's Pound for Pound Challenge that a lot of us Bo fans are doing to support Second Harvest of Middle Tennessee. We're up to over 100 pledges now! Come on...you can even pledge maintenance if you have nothing to lose and that counts as 10 pounds - which means 10 pounds of food for Second Harvest. You know you wanna!

Does it take a village?

Anyone who has ever tried to lose weight knows the importance of a support system. For success to happen, you must surround yourself with people who have your best interests at heart. Friends who cheer you on when you finally leap over that plateau; family that beams with pride when you walk into a room.

A group mentality of hope nearly always overrides a singular cry of doubt. I've blogged about how fans of Bo Bice are coming together to participate in The Biggest LoserPound for Pound Challenge. Separately, we've all tried to lose weight for years - like most everyone else in the country. Together, we are doing it. It's the group mentality of "WE CAN DO THIS"!

In my blog Broadcast Motivation, I neglected to mention a new show called Village on a Diet. The tiny town of Taylor, British Columbia has banded together to get healthy. Each week they strive towards a common goal - to lose one ton in 10 weeks. The motivation they give each other is wonderful to see. Last week they climbed a huge hill on the outskirts of town as a community; literally and figuratively.

Everyone needs people to help them get up the hill. I know for myself, my weight-loss journey would've been infinitely more difficult without all of you. I know every person reading this is in my corner - what could be more motivating than that? If so many people think I'm worth having a long, healthy life then how can I argue? My friends - close by and far away - my family, my co-workers. I've been very lucky.

I've heard horror stories about husbands bringing home donuts to a dieting wife or a cousin pooh-poohing someone's agonizing but life-changing decision to have gastric bypass as "the easy way out". No one has ever done those things to me. I am extremely grateful for that.

However, lack of support can come from some surprising sources. When you do something this *BIG*, you tend to find out who your real friends are. Maybe they're not comfortable with you changing so much. Maybe they're afraid you'll find new friends and leave them behind. Or maybe they're just jealous. Try not to let it get you down.

A stellar support system is crucial but in the end, the discipline and hard work has to come from you. As Oprah Winfrey once said, "It's my ass on the treadmill!" Absolutely! Oprah's up-and-down dress sizes clearly illustrates that. No chef, trainer, cheerleader or surgical procedure can do it for you. All that can certainly help but it's really up to you to find it within yourself to decide you're worth the effort to get off the couch and into the gym; to put down the cupcake and pick up the apple.

So we do need support but never forget it's YOU who are doing this and YOU deserve the credit. You rock! Now pat yourself on the back and get your ass to the gym.

Who knows what?

The arrival of the new year as me thinking about the next steps in my journey. People always ask me if I'm "done" now that I reached my goal weight. I may be done losing weight - and the jury's still out on that - but I'll never be done watching my weight. I'll never be done trying new things and celebrating life in this body. I feel very grateful that I had the good sense to take a second chance on ME and believe life itself is not something to be taken for granted anymore.

So what's next? Who knows what?

Well, one thing I do know is I have a lot I want to try. New things that pique my interest, and a split second before dismissal have me thinking HEY! I could possibly physically DO that! Maybe I'll try it!

Horseback riding. I have only been on a horse once that I can recall, when I was a small child. My maternal grandfather was alive so I was probably between 5 and 7 years old. Too much of an animal lover to even consider this an option pre-op - I mean, the poor horse! - for some reason this is on my radar screen lately.

Rock-wall climbing. Dangling off a real cliff isn't my idea of a great time, at least not for my first time, but I can see me trying to scale a rock wall. The dangling part could maybe come later. It would be fun to see if I could actually do it, if I'm strong enough.

Karate? Yes, I'm putting a question mark after that because if I don't, there's a high probability of the men in little white coats coming to haul me away. We got a coupon catalog in the mail and I ripped that page out. There's no coupon on the page but it intrigues me for some reason. Let me tell you right now that Cindy has no balance, little patience and practically zero desire to jump around in a white robe with a roomful of people. So I have no idea why this appeals to me. But it does. So I keep looking at the page and wondering if I could give it a shot.

Zumba. I keep hearing such great things about Zumba, which is sorta like a dancing/cardio mix thing, that it's the first class I've been interested in taking. Aye, but there's the rub. It's a class. The gym Barbies don't intimidate me as much as they used to, but I still don't want to jump around in a well-lit, mirrored room with them. It's something I really need to just GET OVER and do it. Take a class, any class, just to get over my fear.

Everything I want to do at this point seems to over the top compared to the days when I simply longed to walk across the floor without sweating. Cross my legs. Sit on my husband's lap. Stand up for an hour or two and watch my favorite singer. All of that stuff is so automatic now but I try never to forget how difficult it was to get here. Never take it for granted.

Do I want to lose even more weight? That's a toughie. I don't think I need to, but I kinda want to. So I guess I won't be happy till I do, right? I'll cross that bridge when I pull up to it.

So those are just a few things rambling around in my head. The sky's really the limit here, people. Who knows what?

Broadcast motivation

Ok, so it's time to get back on the horse and go back to the pre-holiday routine. I admit, I went off the rails a bit. I'm not beating myself up too badly though - to me, it seems pretty normal to eat a little more and gain a few pounds in December. It'll come off just getting back to doing what I should be doing. The key to holiday overindulgence is not to let it become a habit. It's easier said than done, I know, but really...un-doing all my hard work over a sugar cookie just ain't gonna happen.

Plus there's new incentive to do well. A good friend of mine, Debbie, has set up a group called Bo Peeps through the show The Biggest Loser for their Pound for Pound Challenge. For every pound we lose, the show will donate 11 cents to Feeding America. That's enough for one pound of food for the local food bank of your choice. We are pledging for Second Harvest of Middle Tennessee which is a charity close to Bo's heart. Uh. That's Bo Bice, of course. Do you know me at all? If you check us out on the teams page, you will see a link to our Facebook page. Why not try it? You just click on the 'pledge' tab and follow the steps. If you want to pledge for Second Harvest of Middle Tennessee, use the zip code 37228. But you can pledge for any food bank you like; just join the Bo Peeps team! So far we have 76 members pledging 2,168 pounds. You can also pledge maintenance, which they count as the equivalent of 10 pounds.

Here is Bo volunteering for Second Harvest. I love the first line - Bo is a joker!


I pledged 10 pounds. That'll take me to 189. I know I always said that 194 was my goal and I didn't care if I lost any after that but it wouldn't kill me to lose a few more, as my BMI is still in the 'overweight' category. I hate the frickin' 'charts' that tell you what you're supposed to weigh but I think I need another goal in mind to keep me on track for now. Like I said, it won't kill me.

There's a plethora of motivation on the airwaves to start off the new year! I love to watch shows that focus on weight loss because it gets me off my ass. I watch and think 'if they can do that so can I.' Here are a few to consider. I have my PVR set to record them all:

The Biggest Loser Of course! I was surprised that a new season started so soon after the end of the previous one (less than a month ago), but very happy nonetheless! Last season was a bit of a downer as game play seemed to be more important to some of the contestants than losing weight, but so far this season looks to be quite interesting. Two new trainers are available to the contestants and this is Jillian Michaels' last season at the ranch. That's kinda like Simon Cowell leaving American Idol. The show will never be the same. It's brought me tremendous motivation and clarity over the past two years and I highly recommend the show to anyone, whether you're trying to lose weight or not.

I Used to be Fat follows teenagers in the summer between their senior year and first year of college. I've watched the first two episodes and am reminded of the time I took off 80 pounds my senior year of high school. It was so incredible to be normal. Being fat as a kid or teen is incredibly hard. My weight loss didn't last very long, unfortunately. I'm rooting for these kids, bless their hearts.

Heavy follows people for 6 months as they attempt to transform their lives. It's not a competition; click on the link and watch the video. Inspiration? Oh yeah. It starts January 15 on A&E.

Ruby starts its third season in March on the Style network in the States. Canada has to wait a while after that for it to air on E! Canada, but it's worth the wait. Ruby Gettinger has lost almost 400 pounds. Yes, you read that correctly. If she can do that, you can lose whatever you need to lose. That's it, end of discussion. I watched the first season faithfully then lost track of the second season - they kept moving it around on me! I hope they release it on DVD - the first season is available but only in a 'best of' package which I don't understand. Why not offer full episodes? I love her, she is awesome!

There are also magazines that I'll buy just so I can read the success stories for inspiration. Off The Couch, special editions of Oxygen magazine, is one of my favorites. I'll also buy Wight Watchers, Self, anything I see that can be of help to help me stay on track.

Look around and you'll no doubt find someone's story that will resonate with you. Relating to others helps me in a big way.