Roller coaster of love

As I was saying in my blog 'Where's the Real Food?', Erich and I went to Canada's Wonderland's Halloween Haunt a couple of weeks ago so we could check out the scary stuff and put a nail in the coffin of another of my big fears - riding a roller coaster.

After we ate dinner, during which I was looking for the aforementioned "real food", we strolled on towards the rides in the park. It was still light outside but the park wasn't open to the general public yet so we had some awesome personalized attention in the first two haunted mazes we walked through. They were great so we were already in a good mood. We stood around waiting for the rides to open; security told us "Watch out for the stampede behind you." So we turned around and sure enough, a crowd was running full speed ahead towards us, past us. They all seemed to be heading for the first coaster around which is called Dragon Fire.

Erich said "You want to ride this one?" And since I didn't have much time to think, I said "Ok!"

There were no line-ups to speak of the whole night. I think if I'd had to stand in line for an hour - like in the summer - I might've talked myself out of this stuff. But as it was, I followed him and we trotted up to the ride and got on.

Oh, this seat looked sooooooo tiny!! I only hesitated for a second then climbed in. I actually had room in the seat. I had no idea what to do with the rollbar or the strap so Erich helped me and I just did what he did. Then the guy came around and checked to make sure everyone was in and we were off. It was all very, very quick.

"I have lost my mind," I said as we started moving. When we started the first climb, Erich asked me if I was ok. "So far," I replied. My heart was beating out of my chest. Seriously. I looked down and holllllyyyy crap. "I have lost my mind," I said again and Erich started to laugh. I have to admit I closed my eyes as we went down the first hill. Here's a video POV of Dragon Fire. And I was screaming about like the woman in the video, too.



The ride is super quick. I couldn't believe it was over so fast. "People wait in line for two hours for that?" I said. Erich said yes, most rides are over very quickly. Hm. Interesting. I was a little dizzy when we got up and walked off the ride. It wasn't so bad! Actually kind of fun.

By now it was dark and we walked around soaking up the atmosphere and going through the other mazes. We stopped to ride the The Rage, which is one of those pirate ships that swings back and forth. OMG - ok, I know it's not a huge ride, but just the sensation that you're going to fall out messes with your head. Sheesh.



More mazes - all of which were really cool but we preferred the ones that were indoors. The outdoor ones were great, too, but we felt like they needed more staff to scare you. There were stretches where you're just walking and nothing was happening. We really enjoyed the staff who were in costume just walking around the park, too. Very cool and we'll definitely go back!

Next up, we went into a ride simulator called Elvira's Superstition. It was actually pretty neat though it would've been better if we'd been more towards the middle of the theater. It kinda feels like you're on a real coaster, though certainly not the same.



Next up...Skyrider. It's a stand-up steel coaster. While waiting in line (a total of about 10 minutes), there was a guy about Erich's size being strapped in. We were watching him, thinking if he can get on then Erich can. He saw us watching him struggle and laughed. They tightened the strap across his chest instead of his stomach so he was good. Erich did the same thing when we got on. I again was having problems just maneuvering the rollbar. I don't really know what to do with the stuff. LOL! A staff member helped me and she pulled the strap over my stomach and had to tighten it up. That was a moment. She had to tighten it up. "You ok now sweetie? You feel ok?" she asked. "Yeah, I'm fine." I was smiling from ear to ear.

"I have lost my mind," I said again. And again, my husband started to laugh at me. "What the hell am I doing? I really have lost my mind." And off we went.



I think this one was my favorite just because there was less jarring and moving around than on the others. I guess because they really have you wedged in, with the rollbar over your shoulders, the strap, and the bar that comes up between your legs. You don't move very much.

Last on the list (with good reason) was the Great Canadian Minebuster. Let me tell you this: I'm really glad this wasn't the first coaster I rode because it probably would've been the last. It was AWFUL. It was modeled after The Beast at Kings Island. And after I got off it, I felt like I'd been in a high-speed car crash. It shook the living shit out of me. Plus I lost my favorite headband (pout) - yes, it shakes you that much. I was almost in tears by the time we came to a stop. I was walking sideways for a few steps; I felt like I had serious whiplash and my back was messed up. It scared me because I haven't felt that type of disjointed pain for a long time, since before my surgery. It took me back to my 450-pound days for a second and freaked me out. Plus I was really dizzy. When we got to a bench somewhere, Erich sat me down till I felt better. I will never ride that thing again.



So I was done after that. No more coasters for Cindy this trip! We went through the rest of the haunted mazes and interacted with the staff wandering around. I got my picture taken with a couple who had probably two of the best costumes at the park (as always, click to enlarge):



Not long after we left, I realized I hadn't sat down the entire night except to ride and the brief few minutes after getting off the Minebuster. I didn't feel it, didn't notice it at all. I just was having a good time and not worrying about my body failing me in any way. Freedom. It's so liberating I can't even explain it to you if you've never been entombed by your own body. Breaking free of the chains my obesity put on me is the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life.

Back in 2003 or 2004, I took Erich and Ericha to Kings Island when we went to Ohio for our annual visit in the summer. I enjoyed going there even if I didn't ride anything. But this was a completely awful day and by the end of it, I swore I'd never go back to an amusement park.

I could barely walk 20 feet, let alone walk around Kings Island all day long so we rented a scooter for me so I could have some semblance of a normal experience. The straw that broke the camel's back was that I broke the scooter. There was a weight limit, and I knew I was over it when we rented it, but we decided to go ahead anyway. I really didn't know how much I weighed but I didn't think I was that far over the limit. Mistake. Oh yes, I broke the fucking scooter. That was it. I thought to myself "Well, I can't walk it and I can't even rent the scooters they have available because I'm too fat to ride them. So I guess I'm done." Now I realize I was hovering around 500 pounds back then - I was at my heaviest - so man...the poor scooter.

Someone, probably my mother, took a picture of me on that scooter. The bottom picture is of me at Wonderland a couple weeks ago:



And here is a picture of Erich and me at Kings Island, and below that one of us at Wonderland:



My main man Michael Ventrella, last season's Biggest Loser, recently gave an interview where he was asked about one of his goals he'd set for himself:

Michael, you previously said that one of your goals was to visit a theme park. Have you done that yet?!

"Sadly no! I have all these little cousins who are waiting for me. They send me texts and emails and Facebook messages like, 'When are we going to go to Disney World or Great America?' But I've been so busy that I haven't had the time to go, to do all these things. I've been reborn, I'm at a weight right now that I haven't been since I was 13 or 14 years old so I'm able to do all the things I wasn't able to do when I was a child, so I'm excited and it's like I'm living life for the first time in a way. I've been given a second chance and it's a new life to me, so I'm excited."

That is exactly how I feel! I wrote a response to him and told him to MAKE time and get on the damn coaster. Live your life out loud. He needs to MAKE TIME. Ah yes, sweet freedom. Life is good.

The beat goes on

I've thought a lot about what I would say when I reached my weight-loss goal of losing 250 pounds. What inspiring words could I write about such an achievement? Something I've chased after my entire life? Something I never thought I could do? How could I put the emotion into words?

On Friday morning, I stepped on the scale and there they were: Three little magic numbers. 194. 194.0, mind you. Like it was planned or something. I stood there a moment and let it sink in. Huh. I did it. I lost 250 pounds. Fifteen months, eight days after my surgery. I smiled to myself and considered waking Erich up. I would've if not for the fact that we already planned for him to drive me to work so he could take my car in for an oil change; he would be up soon anyway. So I just went to the kitchen to make my breakfast - after posting on Facebook about my achievement.

Erich and I celebrated when he got up with hugs and kisses. My mother and I had an agreement that I would call her the minute I reached my goal. Waiting till about 7:30, I made the call. She and my father were asleep but woke up in a hurry when I shared my good news. They are happy for me and so proud. Making my parents happy is almost as important to me as making myself happy. So that was a nice conversation.

Erich took a photo of me to mark the occasion (click to enlarge):



Several of my work friends are on Facebook so everyone already knew when I walked in to a hug from the company owner's wife and applause from a few co-workers. My supervisor said "Cindy! You aaaarrre The Biggest Loser!" LOL! That's *almost* true. Michael Ventrella, last season's winner, is the only one to lose more than 250 pounds (he lost 264). So there ya go. LOL!

Funny sidenote: I brought a fruit tray into work as sort of a celebration. It was barely touched. My co-worker and good friend Rafal and I joked that if I'd brought in a dozen donuts, they would've been gone by noon. Very true.

That night Erich took me out to dinner to celebrate. I know - food to celebrate a massive weight loss? But hey, what were we gonna do at 7 p.m.? Hike up a mountain? I had grilled chicken and a baked potato (half of it) but I really wanted a drink. Gastric bypass patients are not supposed to have alcohol as it is absorbed very quickly into our system. Basically, we're very cheap drunks. I've always been a cheap drunk so lord knows how alcohol would affect me now. I rarely drank pre-op but I wanted to celebrate, you know? Pina coladas and strawberry daiquiris are out; too much sugar (they were my favorite pre-op drinks). But it was $4 martini night at the restaurant so....I opted for a Jolly Rancher martini. Man alive! Good stuff but I sure did feel it very, very soon. Cheap drunk.

Erich made a toast: "To my pretty wife." Awwww....

We did some shopping before dinner and *drumroll please* I found some to-the-knee boots that fit!! For $30.00!! I am so excited. Woot!! My little gift to myself.

Words of inspiration. Hmmm. Well, I can only tell you this: I ain't done. It ain't over. The hardest part of weight loss is maintenance. I will have to work for the rest of my life to keep this weight off. I must take that very seriously. I went to the gym today, the day after reaching my goal, to remind myself of that. You're not done, Cindy. The beat goes on.

I need to thank you all once again for your continued support. It has made my task that much easier knowing I have you all to count on and answer to! Many times I've pulled back from a not-so-smart food choice or wanting to slack off my exercise because what would I tell all of you? I didn't want to let you - or myself - down. So thank you.

Roller coaster blog is coming! :-)

Where's the real food?

Way back in the spring, before the launch of the Summer of Cindy, one of the things I said I wanted to do was ride a roller coaster. I've never been on a real coaster before despite many trips to Kings Island in Cincinnati, Ohio, near where I grew up. There were height issues, bad-back issues and of course, size issues. I could never have fit on the rides even if I'd wanted to.

There are so many things my size held me back from. When I was in Ohio in August and Erich and I rode the Ferris wheel at the county fair, I kept thinking to myself 'You know, I stopped riding this thing when I was in high school because I was afraid I'd break it.' It's been hard to get those fears out of my head and enjoy things other people don't think about at all.

My size created a big issue with back pain. In my family, most of us have what we refer to as the "Brannan Back" but my pain was exacerbated due to my weight. And that was another excuse I used to beg off the coasters: 'Oh, I can't get on that thing; my back would go out.' When really, the thing I was most terrified of was getting up there and not being able to fit on the ride. And having to walk past all those people with everyone knowing 'hey - the fat chick couldn't fit on the ride'. As I've said many times, I simply avoided most activities which could lead to humiliating situations.

I had planned to return to Kings Island in August but circumstances beyond my control shot that plan down in flames. I was very disappointed. So when I saw an advertisement for Canada's Wonderland Halloween Haunt I thought AHA!! Two birds with one stone! I can ride a coaster and see cool Halloween stuff! Sign me up!

Erich and I were going to head out there on the 15th but the weather was so great this weekend that we changed our minds, last minute, and went Saturday night. Wonderland is very similar to Kings Island (they and Cedar Point are all owned by the same corporation) so I was pleased as soon as I walked in the gate. We bought tickets for a dinner before the Haunt started so we got in early and headed over to eat. I woke up Saturday morning at 195 lbs., one pound away from my goal weight. I was determined to eat as well as possible at Wonderland (a tall order). The dinner was billed as a buffet, so I figured there had to be maybe some chicken or some other protein and veggies on the menu.

FAIL. We got our plates and well...I kept looking for the food. You know..the *real* food. I got some veggie soup, passed up the salad (yuk) and came to some pasta with meatballs. Ok. I got a couple meatballs (no pasta). Still going. Passed tacos. Passed some pizza. Um...where's the food? Passing french fries. Cold pasta salad. Passing up hamburgers and hot dogs. Surely there is some REAL FREAKIN' FOOD here?? I lifted up a dome on the next station. Empty. An employee behind the buffet told me there was nothing else. The "food" stopped with the hot dogs.

"Really?" I said. "This is it??" She said yes. "Wow," was my reply. Okey dokey then!! I got a burger (what the hell else could I do?) and we sat down to eat. I have to admit that was a really good hamburger. Super good. But I would've preferred some grilled chicken, steak or fish plus broccoli or something. I guess my expectations were too high.

I had to laugh at the situation. Pre-op, I would've filled at least two plates from that "buffet" and raved about how good it was. "My how things have changed," Erich said and yep. Ain't that the truth.

"I just kept looking for the FOOD," I laughed. "Like, that's not real food to me anymore." Too funny. I passed up all my favorite pre-op filler looking for something good to put in my body. Yes, I even passed up the pizza! LOL! That has to be a good sign.

There are a bunch of 'haunted mazes' at the Haunt and since we got in before the park opened to the public we went through the first two virtually alone. It was really cool because we got a lot of personalized attention from the staff of spooks. They pop out at you at designated points through the mazes and follow you around trying to unnerve you. There are also costumed staff roaming around the park trying to freak you out, too. It's totally my kind of place. Love, love, love all that stuff! The mazes were great although we definitely preferred the indoor ones to the outdoor ones. The outdoor ones needed more staff there to scare you, in our opinion.

As we were walking through one of the last mazes, I realized that we hadn't sat down at all unless we were on a ride. Basically, I'd been standing or walking for hours on end and I didn't even notice it. I can't explain to you how freeing that is. To just be able to live your life and not worry about how your body will fail you is incredible.

Thanksgiving is today and I am so grateful for my life now. Losing all this weight has brought so much to me, has given me back things I didn't even realize I was missing. A good friend once told me, after gaining a lot of weight, "Cindy, I can't explain to you all the things that gaining weight has taken from me." I was near the start of my journey then so no, I didn't truly understand what she meant because I was so accustomed to being limited. I had no idea what was in store for me. The things losing weight has given to me are remarkable. I'm only just starting to remember "Oh wait! I can do that now!" It's becoming more and more automatic to say 'yes I can' rather than assume I can't. A work in progress but it's coming along.

Whenever I see this commercial, I think THIS IS ME! :))



I rode four, yes four, roller coasters at Wonderland! That is another whole blog by itself so stay tuned for part two which I will get to you soon, I promise. Another thing I'm so grateful for is all of your support. It means more to me than I can express or tell you. Thank you.

On clothes and shopping

In the past year or so, I've had to do A LOT of shopping. Replacing one's wardrobe a couple of times will force that upon you. Not that I'm complaining. It's all good. 444-pound-girl shopping is quite different from 200-pound-girl shopping as you can imagine. Some things about it were surprising, some expected. But I've learned a few things along the way and thought I'd share them with you.

I realize the fact that I speak of myself with JOY and satisfaction as a 200-pound person might seem a little psycho to most people - especially women - in the world who might be prone to slit their wrists if they woke up tomorrow and weighed 200 pounds. But honestly, 200 pounds is a lot more than I could've hoped for. It's hard to believe I weigh that little. So you have to bear with me and think in relative terms; my 200 pounds is your 120. Ok? Ok.

So if you ever decide to lose a hundred pounds or two, here's what you might expect when it comes to your wardrobe.

- If you can straddle plus and regular sizes, you will have a lot more clothing options available. Again, I know most of you never want to see a plus-size department again in your life and that's completely understandable. But for the rest of us, it can be handy. If an XL is manufactured 'small', I can always move up to a 1X. Or, conversely, I can move down to a large. Women's sizes are all over the place. Pre-op, I mostly wore a 6X but had everything from 5X to 8X in my closet. It's no different now. I have size large to 2X and I can wear them all.

- The XLs go first. I've been at the bigger end of the plus sizes and am now at the bigger end of the 'regular' sizes. And the story is the same. If there's an XL to be had, I better buy it because it won't be there when I go back. I have to dig and hunt for the XLs buried among a vast, mostly ignored avalanche of extra-smalls and smalls with a few mediums thrown in. I used to wade through clearance racks full of 1X and 2X; now it's extra-small and small. Same shit, different day!

- However, don't skip the clearance rack! You might get lucky. I got a pair of my Sweetheart jeans at Old Navy last night for $10. That's right....$10. Size 16, too. And they had 18s! I love Old Navy.

- Don't get so excited over the fact that you can get smaller clothes that you go buy a whole new wardrobe when you still have 100 pounds to lose. Buy a little at a time. You're still going to have to toss things you've only worn a few times because you have to have clothes to wear! But there's no point in getting 10 shirts that you'll only be able to wear for a few months.

- While looking for a coat, I found that mediums were plentiful - XL not so much. Does that mean there are very few mediums out there? Doesn't medium mean, well, medium - as in the "norm"? I don't think there are very many normal women. Or at least, what clothing manufacturers think of as normal. Deep thoughts. Just sayin'.

- Thrift stores are your friend. Seriously, if you have to literally replace everything, don't be skeered. I've found great clothes that look like new. Jeans for $8; shirts for $5. Not to mention the Guess & Chanel handbags I've scored. The used shoes give me the creeps, though. I ain't buying used shoes. ~shivers~

- I'm sick of the cap-sleeve bullshit and I'm sure I'm not alone. Hey designers!! Build a bridge and get over it! Thanks.

- What the hell is up with boots? Supposedly the average American woman is a size 14. Dude, I'm there without the excess skin around my middle. I'm soooo there. I'm maybe even smaller than that. So why can't I find boots to go around my calves??? It makes me bonkers. I really expected to go into any store and get boots this fall. It ain't happening. I'm going to have to order some with wide calves (the ones Erich bought for me are for wide calves). Grrrr....

- So yeah, not everything will fall into place. You may still not be able to wear the clothes you thought you might. Build a bridge and get over it. *saw that on a sign last night and I'm stealing it forever* Be grateful for what you have and let it go.

- Annnnd you will buy things just because you CAN wear it. Doesn't mean you should. There are many things in the plus-size department that fall into this category. Size 5X belly shirts come to mind. (Seriously? Come on...if you're a 5X and wear a belly shirt, you probably deserve to be laughed at. I love you but get real.) With the 'regular-sized' folks, it's more of an age-appropriate question. Oh, I'm guilty. Ripped, sparkly jeans. Acid-washed black & white jeans. Denim jeggings??? Sign me up! Now, I'm 40. I don't need to be wearing that stuff. But I have them in my closet! Inexplicably and wrongly. You know I wore that shit back in the '80s. They say if you're old enough to have worn the trend the first time, you're too old when it comes back around. That's probably true. Well. If I could find a pair of boots to go with the jeggings...(NO. Just no.) I do wear my ripped jeans on weekends, though. Heh.

- Learn when to get rid of your fat clothes. I once pulled a size 5X blouse out of my closet. This was about two months ago. WTF? Why am I holding onto that? Get it the hell out of there. You're not going back. You don't need it. I've gone through all my clothes several times in the past year but somehow that one stayed on the hanger. Odd. Toss it. Build a bridge and get over it.

- But keep a few things just to see where you've been and how far you've come. It's cool to pull on your former favorite items of clothing to see how they now fall off your body. You've worked hard. When we see ourselves every day, it's sometimes hard to remember just how much we've lost. Never forget. This is very important. I have a small bag in my closet with some pre-op clothing I will never part with.

- I find myself thinking about how I will look in something before I buy it (jeggings excepted). That's not something I gave a whole lot of thought to pre-op. I bought it if I could fit into it and I liked it. This is different from thinking about how good you look in an outfit. If I liked the color or pattern of a blouse, I'd buy it even if it made me look washed out or something like that. I find myself drawn to colors I've never worn before. Bending over in a fitting room to see if my butt looks ok in the jeans I'm trying on. LMAO! That one kills me. I did it automatically one day and cracked myself the hell up.

- Which means you will use mirrors now. I hardly ever looked in a mirror pre-op. I knew I looked like crap, there was no need to confirm it. Now I look in a full-length mirror every morning to see everything is ok before I walk out the door. A revelation. Something I never, ever did before. The fit, the way my body looks is now something I pay attention to. And if I don't look my best in it, the chances are I'll go change. It adds time to my morning routine and has made me late for work a couple times! I'm going to try and lay out my clothes the night before and see how that works.

It's a whole new world, I'm telling you. Fun but strange. I think I'm going through a stage now that most women experience when they're 12 or 13. Self-discovery, finding out what works for me. It's a very odd thing.

I gained a couple pounds last week, as expected. Didn't exercise much, didn't eat very well. It's my fault, I know it, and I know why it happened. I do hate being a girl sometimes! LOL! Back on the horse this week though. I'm too close to the brass ring to backslide now.