I didn't really know what to write today. I knew I want to; I knew I needed to; but I couldn't think of a real theme. Writer's block I guess. Sometimes I just start writing and it all comes together. That happened this morning, for sure.
I hit a major mini-goal this week! I'm under 200 pounds for the first time since I was 12. It's really odd to see/hear "one-hundred" at the beginning of my weight from my talking scale. She's probably shocked, too. I worked hard for it this week, I ain't gonna lie. I exercised pretty much every day, drank tons of water and watched my sodium and carbs. A four-pound loss feels pretty good and accurate! This is better than the one-pound-a-week crap I was having over the summer. Finally, it feels like my body is back on track.
My goal is a mere five pounds away. What should I do to reward myself, other than the final heart in my tattoo? Erich and I have been thinking about getting a cat for a long time, so we're revisiting that idea. I'd love to have a Russian Blue kitten and another black kitten and watch them grow up together.
There were a few things I didn't get to do over the summer, one of which was going to an amusement park and getting on some rides that I wouldn't have fit onto before. Canada's Wonderland has a Halloween Haunt all during October. This is like the best of both worlds as I am a Halloween freak! Thinking hard about that one. Hmmm. I dunno, but I feel like I want to celebrate in some way.
That Camaro Erich bought for me when I lost 50 percent of my body weight is just about ready for the road. He's been working on it when the weather allows - it's been raining a lot on weekends here, so he's doing the best he can - and I can't wait to drive it.
It sure would be nice to hit my final goal next week. I'm going to continue to do everything that has worked in the past and I guess we'll see what the scale says Friday morning.
Now that everything is kind of winding down, I feel a mix of emotions. Incredible relief that this phase is almost over yet weirdly nostalgic at the same time. It doesn't make much sense to me that I'm almost a little sad that it'll be over soon! What does that mean? I have a strange little brain. Maybe the emotion I feel is just what comes along with an achievement like this. It's a little overwhelming to have one of your life's dreams be so close you can reach out and touch it. It makes me feel like there are other dreams I might be able to accomplish, too. It makes more seem possible.
Something happened to me a couple weeks ago that I posted about on my Facebook page but didn't share here. It was a Friday night and Erich was working so I decided to do something I'd always wanted to do but had never been physically able to.
My city has a pretty lively downtown area. People who live in the area complain about how no one goes there and the high crime levels. I think that's crap. Kitchener's downtown is clean, the storefronts are occupied and there are always people - of all ages - milling around. Most of the American downtown areas I've seen are ghost towns in comparison. I feel totally safe downtown, too.
I'd always passed the little stores downtown - in my car - and thought about how nice it would be to walk up one side of King Street and down the other, winding in and out of all the eclectic shops. There is no way I could've done that pre-op. So when I got off work that Friday, I parked near city hall and started walking. I wasn't disappointed for there are many things down there that you cannot find at the mall or Walmart. And that's a good thing. LOL! So I was having a ball when I came to a store with a curved front; that is, the entrance curved inward from the windows.
As I'm walking down the sidewalk, I see this woman approaching me out of my peripheral vision. I'm looking down, but I can see her legs walking towards me. I'm thinking she's going to go around me, but instead she's heading right for me. I glanced up and saw she wasn't stopping, so I stopped. When I stopped, she stopped. Huh? Oh...it's me. It wasn't till I stopped that I realized I was seeing my reflection in the storefront. Do you have any idea how freaky that is? LOL! I had to take a moment, you know? I looked around and there wasn't anyone else in my immediate line of sight. It was so weird to realize that I don't even recognize myself anymore.
As I near my goal, I think to myself 'am I as new on the inside as I am the outside?' Sure, there are a lot of things about me that have changed. Emotionally, I'm very different from the person who started this journey 19 months ago. How much do I want to allow myself to change, though? It's important to actively participate in positive change. As in all things, balance is key. I don't want to change too much. I liked a lot about who I was when I weighed 444 pounds. And a lot needed to change. I feel like I'm coming out of this whole thing a better version of me.
The title of this blog comes from the Blind Melon song Change . Bo sang it nearly five years ago in Cleveland, Ohio at the House of Blues. His life was changing completely at the time and I believe that's why he chose the song. I watched this again few minutes ago for the first time in a long time and thought I'd share it.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Twelve
Take a look at the 12-year-old girl in the photo below. She's smart, funny, fairly well-adjusted. She's holding her pet kitty - the obsession with cats continues to this day - and squinting into the camera. She hasn't quite figured out what the hell to do with her curly, full-bodied hair and is still fighting nature, brushing it out so it looks a little weird. The green t-shirt she's wearing most likely says 'Jasper Wildcats' on the front, a tribute to her elementary school.
Most people are awkward at 12 and I was no exception. The age of 12 marks a milestone for me, though. I remember stepping on the scale at some point during that year and seeing the weight '203'. I remember because I was shocked to see that I weighed over 200 pounds. I have always been a big girl. Always the tallest, always 'big-boned', even in kindergarten before I got really 'fat'. By the time I was 12, I was at least 5'6" and weighed 203 pounds. You might think this made my life miserable at school. With the exception of a few idiots along the way, I was good. I got along with pretty much everyone in every social strata and got good grades. I remember one boy making a comment to me, loudly, in front of my entire class when I was 12. Most of the other kids pounced on HIM, telling him how rude and awful he was - he didn't understand these people were all my friends. The most vocal in her outrage to him was the most popular girl in class, who is still my friend on Facebook and I love her (even though she is still impossibly beautiful...LOL). You see, it was he who was the outcast, not me. No one laughed with him like he expected. So I was lucky.
But my weight kept going up and up. The number I was so shocked to see at 12 managed to elude me no matter how much I tried to diet back down to it as an adult. I would've loved to have seen '203' again.
I bring all this up because yesterday morning when I stepped on the scale, 28 years later, there it was. "Two-hundred and three pounds" my talking scale squawked back at me.
I started out the week at 215. Oh yes. I had gained one pound before I started the 5-Day Pouch Test I referred to in my last blog, putting me at 210. I started the 'detox' on Monday and weighed myself that night like an idiot. I do know better than to weigh myself at night. But I guess I was too excited to see if that pound I'd gained was gone. Well, slap me silly because I'd gained 5 more. I really wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere and not come back out. WTF?? This had never happened to me since my surgery. Ever.
But.....over the weekend I ate things I probably shouldn't have. Salty things like popcorn, a piece of fried chicken. A few chips with dip. Which is weird because I don't normally eat stuff like that - once in a while, but not all at once. LOL! Maybe subconsciously I was thinking that because I would be so deprived in the coming week that I'd better eat while I can. That's the only way I can explain it.
The pouch test wasn't so bad, really. It was a lot like going back to the newly post-op days. Two days of liquids, one of soft protein (eggs, canned fish, soft fish), one of firm protein (ground meat, salmon), and one of solid protein (white meat poultry, steak). The second day of the liquids was the hardest. I was getting pretty hungry by the end of the day. Protein shakes, Jell-O and cream-based soup just wasn't cutting it. But man alive, I did that for a whole week pre-op so I just kept telling myself to suck it up. I am a strong bitch when I have to be.
The whole point of the pouch test is to train your brain - and that pouch, the ultimate tool in weight-loss maintenance - what to expect at mealtime. It actually firms the pouch up a bit. It worked well for me, I think. I went back to the days when one hard-boiled egg left me feeling very full. I even noticed yesterday, as I went back to 'normal' eating, that I could eat neither as much in volume nor as quickly as I could a week ago. Which is a good thing. I don't want to become too 'normal' when I eat. It's too easy to slip back and before you know it, you've put on 20 pounds. I've heard this so often from other gastric bypass patients. I'm going to try and do anything and everything I can to make sure it doesn't happen to me.
Erich described this plan as sort of a 're-calibration' of the tool. That's pretty accurate. I think I'll use this plan at least once a year, maybe twice, to keep things on track.
I had a few headaches along the way as my body was ridding itself of garbage carbs and excess water. Other than that there were no side effects for me unless you count endless trips to the bathroom! I think this plan got me back on track with my water, which had been lacking for a few of months now. Obviously I needed to flush out my system.
So I lost 12 pounds in the five days I was on the plan. It's hard to describe the state I'm in right now. I was 12 years old the last time I weighed 203 pounds. Very soon, I'll be UNDER 200 pounds! That's incredible to me. And soon after that, I'll be at goal. I'm nine pounds away at this point and am going to start thinking about the design of the final heart that will go at the top of my heart tower tattoo on my back. For those who may not know, I have four hearts tattooed on my upper back leading up towards my neck. One heart for every 50 pounds lost. The goal is to lose 250 pounds and I'm almost ready for the fifth and final heart.
Erich and I stopped in yesterday to see Tim (the tattoo guy) and possibly make an appointment. It's tough to get in to see him on weekends, which is the only time I can go. Tim doesn't work nights and I would want him and him alone to do any tattoo I might get. He said not to worry about an appointment, that when I hit the goal, call him and he'll do the tattoo, even if he has to stay late or whatever he has to do to fit me in. Awesome. Love that guy.
Starting weight: 444
Present weight: 203
Pounds to goal: 9
And away we go.
Most people are awkward at 12 and I was no exception. The age of 12 marks a milestone for me, though. I remember stepping on the scale at some point during that year and seeing the weight '203'. I remember because I was shocked to see that I weighed over 200 pounds. I have always been a big girl. Always the tallest, always 'big-boned', even in kindergarten before I got really 'fat'. By the time I was 12, I was at least 5'6" and weighed 203 pounds. You might think this made my life miserable at school. With the exception of a few idiots along the way, I was good. I got along with pretty much everyone in every social strata and got good grades. I remember one boy making a comment to me, loudly, in front of my entire class when I was 12. Most of the other kids pounced on HIM, telling him how rude and awful he was - he didn't understand these people were all my friends. The most vocal in her outrage to him was the most popular girl in class, who is still my friend on Facebook and I love her (even though she is still impossibly beautiful...LOL). You see, it was he who was the outcast, not me. No one laughed with him like he expected. So I was lucky.
But my weight kept going up and up. The number I was so shocked to see at 12 managed to elude me no matter how much I tried to diet back down to it as an adult. I would've loved to have seen '203' again.
I bring all this up because yesterday morning when I stepped on the scale, 28 years later, there it was. "Two-hundred and three pounds" my talking scale squawked back at me.
I started out the week at 215. Oh yes. I had gained one pound before I started the 5-Day Pouch Test I referred to in my last blog, putting me at 210. I started the 'detox' on Monday and weighed myself that night like an idiot. I do know better than to weigh myself at night. But I guess I was too excited to see if that pound I'd gained was gone. Well, slap me silly because I'd gained 5 more. I really wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere and not come back out. WTF?? This had never happened to me since my surgery. Ever.
But.....over the weekend I ate things I probably shouldn't have. Salty things like popcorn, a piece of fried chicken. A few chips with dip. Which is weird because I don't normally eat stuff like that - once in a while, but not all at once. LOL! Maybe subconsciously I was thinking that because I would be so deprived in the coming week that I'd better eat while I can. That's the only way I can explain it.
The pouch test wasn't so bad, really. It was a lot like going back to the newly post-op days. Two days of liquids, one of soft protein (eggs, canned fish, soft fish), one of firm protein (ground meat, salmon), and one of solid protein (white meat poultry, steak). The second day of the liquids was the hardest. I was getting pretty hungry by the end of the day. Protein shakes, Jell-O and cream-based soup just wasn't cutting it. But man alive, I did that for a whole week pre-op so I just kept telling myself to suck it up. I am a strong bitch when I have to be.
The whole point of the pouch test is to train your brain - and that pouch, the ultimate tool in weight-loss maintenance - what to expect at mealtime. It actually firms the pouch up a bit. It worked well for me, I think. I went back to the days when one hard-boiled egg left me feeling very full. I even noticed yesterday, as I went back to 'normal' eating, that I could eat neither as much in volume nor as quickly as I could a week ago. Which is a good thing. I don't want to become too 'normal' when I eat. It's too easy to slip back and before you know it, you've put on 20 pounds. I've heard this so often from other gastric bypass patients. I'm going to try and do anything and everything I can to make sure it doesn't happen to me.
Erich described this plan as sort of a 're-calibration' of the tool. That's pretty accurate. I think I'll use this plan at least once a year, maybe twice, to keep things on track.
I had a few headaches along the way as my body was ridding itself of garbage carbs and excess water. Other than that there were no side effects for me unless you count endless trips to the bathroom! I think this plan got me back on track with my water, which had been lacking for a few of months now. Obviously I needed to flush out my system.
So I lost 12 pounds in the five days I was on the plan. It's hard to describe the state I'm in right now. I was 12 years old the last time I weighed 203 pounds. Very soon, I'll be UNDER 200 pounds! That's incredible to me. And soon after that, I'll be at goal. I'm nine pounds away at this point and am going to start thinking about the design of the final heart that will go at the top of my heart tower tattoo on my back. For those who may not know, I have four hearts tattooed on my upper back leading up towards my neck. One heart for every 50 pounds lost. The goal is to lose 250 pounds and I'm almost ready for the fifth and final heart.
Erich and I stopped in yesterday to see Tim (the tattoo guy) and possibly make an appointment. It's tough to get in to see him on weekends, which is the only time I can go. Tim doesn't work nights and I would want him and him alone to do any tattoo I might get. He said not to worry about an appointment, that when I hit the goal, call him and he'll do the tattoo, even if he has to stay late or whatever he has to do to fit me in. Awesome. Love that guy.
Starting weight: 444
Present weight: 203
Pounds to goal: 9
And away we go.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Fall into place
Fall is just the best. It's always been my favorite time of the year. Usually that's because the hot, humid days of summer are over and I can finally be outside and breathe at the same time again. I was wondering if the same would hold true this year or if I had turned into one of those women screeching about being cold as soon as the thermometer dipped below 85 degrees. Well, I do get cold easier now but I still love the chill in the air...as long as I have a sweater. I went for a long walk on Friday and yesterday just to enjoy the cooler weather. When fall hits, I want to be outside all the time.
For so many people, spring is the season of new beginnings but it's always been fall for me. (I find the word autumn a bit pretentious so I go with fall...sorry.) Fall means comfortable weather, new TV seasons (Dexter, Survivor, Sons of Anarchy, Weeds, The Biggest Loser, Glee, Modern Family, The Tudors, Vampire Diaries and...and..and Dancing with the Stars - OH MY!), kids going back to school, FOOTBALL SEASON, etc. All sorts of my favorite things begin in the fall. PLUS...and here's a biggie....HALLOWEEN is on its way! I'm already thinking about costumes. Heh.
Speaking of costumes. Last winter, Erich bought me some boots on ebay. Mid-calf, three-inch-heeled boots. I haven't had boots since grade school due to the whole calf-like-a-rhinoceros thing so I have been really looking forward to wearing them again now that I'm pretty much the same weight as when I was 12. But last winter, I still couldn't get these boots zipped up my calf. So I put them away thinking maybe they'd work this year. Well, they do. I tried them on the other day and Erich's eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. LOL! I told the man when he was looking for the boots last winter - NO HEELS. Cindy does not wear heels. We soon found out why. I was a broken ankle waiting to happen. Couldn't stand, couldn't walk. My balance is crap even when I'm not on stilts. But it was great that I could actually wear them, so we snapped a few pictures. The second one is me damn near falling over - third one is me being a badass. Oh yeah. (Click to enlarge):
It was fun to be silly for a minute. I haven't been doing too well emotionally lately and it's showing on the scale. The stress at home and at work has me worn down. My response to stress has always been to eat too much. Intellectually, I know I need to find a way to get around that but it's tough. An ongoing process. I don't keep crap in the house now so that helps. And truly, I don't want to stuff my face anymore. It's just gross to me, post-op. But the occasional unnecessary snack coupled with very little desire to exercise means no weight loss. I also think my body is trying to settle into maintenance, which pisses me off. I mean, evidently I can maintain doing what I'm doing now which is good - it means I won't have to live like a Food Nun - but I still want to lose weight.
I've had a few people (including Erich) offer up the explanation that the last 15 pounds I'm trying to get off could very possibly be excess skin. I could already be at my goal, technically. And I suppose that's true. Lord knows I need a total body lift at this point plus a tummy tuck, boob job and I'm pretty sure I'm one of the few 40-year-olds in the world who needs a facelift. So there's a lot of skin that could come off.
My body is becoming complacent with my routine. So I'm going to give it a little shock and hopefully push the restart button on my weight loss. Fall seems the perfect time. Starting tomorrow and for the next 5 days afterward, I'm going on a sort of 'detox' for gastric bypass patients. It takes you back to the early days right after surgery and re-trains your pouch and, hopefully your brain, what to expect at mealtime. A fellow patient did this plan at about the same point in her journey that I am now and it worked very well for her. I'm going to see what it does for me before I post a link to the plan and recommend it to you all, dear readers. Don't worry, it's not like I'll be slurping cayenne pepper and maple syrup or something (really - that's pretty gross and disturbing). I can eat as much as I like of the things that are on the plan. I will let you all know how it goes.
For so many people, spring is the season of new beginnings but it's always been fall for me. (I find the word autumn a bit pretentious so I go with fall...sorry.) Fall means comfortable weather, new TV seasons (Dexter, Survivor, Sons of Anarchy, Weeds, The Biggest Loser, Glee, Modern Family, The Tudors, Vampire Diaries and...and..and Dancing with the Stars - OH MY!), kids going back to school, FOOTBALL SEASON, etc. All sorts of my favorite things begin in the fall. PLUS...and here's a biggie....HALLOWEEN is on its way! I'm already thinking about costumes. Heh.
Speaking of costumes. Last winter, Erich bought me some boots on ebay. Mid-calf, three-inch-heeled boots. I haven't had boots since grade school due to the whole calf-like-a-rhinoceros thing so I have been really looking forward to wearing them again now that I'm pretty much the same weight as when I was 12. But last winter, I still couldn't get these boots zipped up my calf. So I put them away thinking maybe they'd work this year. Well, they do. I tried them on the other day and Erich's eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. LOL! I told the man when he was looking for the boots last winter - NO HEELS. Cindy does not wear heels. We soon found out why. I was a broken ankle waiting to happen. Couldn't stand, couldn't walk. My balance is crap even when I'm not on stilts. But it was great that I could actually wear them, so we snapped a few pictures. The second one is me damn near falling over - third one is me being a badass. Oh yeah. (Click to enlarge):
It was fun to be silly for a minute. I haven't been doing too well emotionally lately and it's showing on the scale. The stress at home and at work has me worn down. My response to stress has always been to eat too much. Intellectually, I know I need to find a way to get around that but it's tough. An ongoing process. I don't keep crap in the house now so that helps. And truly, I don't want to stuff my face anymore. It's just gross to me, post-op. But the occasional unnecessary snack coupled with very little desire to exercise means no weight loss. I also think my body is trying to settle into maintenance, which pisses me off. I mean, evidently I can maintain doing what I'm doing now which is good - it means I won't have to live like a Food Nun - but I still want to lose weight.
I've had a few people (including Erich) offer up the explanation that the last 15 pounds I'm trying to get off could very possibly be excess skin. I could already be at my goal, technically. And I suppose that's true. Lord knows I need a total body lift at this point plus a tummy tuck, boob job and I'm pretty sure I'm one of the few 40-year-olds in the world who needs a facelift. So there's a lot of skin that could come off.
My body is becoming complacent with my routine. So I'm going to give it a little shock and hopefully push the restart button on my weight loss. Fall seems the perfect time. Starting tomorrow and for the next 5 days afterward, I'm going on a sort of 'detox' for gastric bypass patients. It takes you back to the early days right after surgery and re-trains your pouch and, hopefully your brain, what to expect at mealtime. A fellow patient did this plan at about the same point in her journey that I am now and it worked very well for her. I'm going to see what it does for me before I post a link to the plan and recommend it to you all, dear readers. Don't worry, it's not like I'll be slurping cayenne pepper and maple syrup or something (really - that's pretty gross and disturbing). I can eat as much as I like of the things that are on the plan. I will let you all know how it goes.
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