Habits of highly successful people

In the past year or so, I've let old habits creep back into my life and I have the regain to show for it. These past couple of weeks, my focus hasn't been on weight loss specifically, but to break those habits once again.

I had started doing sabotaging things like bringing unhealthy food into the house, regretting it, then rationalizing "Well, it's here, I'll eat it but won't buy any more." It sounds so ridiculous coming from someone who worked so hard to lose 250 pounds, but that's what I was doing. Sometimes I'd pick up a candy bar at the checkout. The vending machine at work, where I work ALONE at night, I might add, was a major draw. So I'm trying to break those habits once again and succeeding very well, I think. Down seven pounds, I'm pretty happy with the results so far, both on the scale and in my brain.

A return to common sense is what's needed here. That's all, nothing more. I do hate it when weight-loss gurus and internet "experts" who comment on weight-loss stories say in frustration, "Just eat less, move more and don't eat junk. It's simple!" It's NOT simple. If it was, no one would have a weight problem. So while it is a matter of common sense, it's not that easy. But I do believe in setting up your surroundings for success. It's not a matter of "just because it's there doesn't mean you have to eat it." People who have a healthy relationship with food say shit like that. For the rest of us, we have to create common sense mindfully. We have to work at it.

I'm no longer sure I'll ever have a normal, healthy relationship with food. When I started this journey, I said all I wanted was to be normal. I wanted to not have to think about food all the fucking time. I mean, think about that; to ensure success, we have to put a lot of thought into it. No other addiction is like that in the way it is with food. We have to constantly think about and carefully plan how much of our crack we can have. Over the years, we can hope to develop good habits and I think most of us do, but it's soooooo easy to fall off that wagon. The world around us is set up for us to fail. We must be mindful at all times. That kinda sucks, but that's just the way it is. Try to find out what triggers you and avoid it as much as you can. I read on bariatric websites and Facebook pages where patients say things like "I now eat because I have to, not because I want to." Lemme tell ya something - that will never be me! LOL! I still love to eat. I will have to be very careful for the rest of my life. And I wonder if people who say things like that ever had an actual food addiction or maybe they've had severe complications with their surgery and it hinders their ability to eat. I dunno. All I know is I find that VERY strange to hear from our community. Kudos to them, but that's not me.

So...breaking bad habits. Yes, that's working. Cross your fingers for me.

Erich and I are moving in late June and over Canada Day weekend. We found a sweet little house with three bedrooms. The basement is rented out, but we will have two floors and full use of the garage, as many as three cars in the driveway and the backyard. I have wanted out of this apartment for YEARS! Yay! We're excited but stressed out about the move, mainly because we can't find many people available to help us over the long weekend. Erich and I are not overflowing with friends - we're both introverts and don't let people in easily - and family is fairly nonexistent so...it's a problem. Add in the fact that my lifting ability is hindered because I'm STILL recovering from this damn tummy tuck and we're starting to feel the stress. I told him I'll put on two binders (LOL) and we'll just do it. No matter what. And no stress eating for me!

My other mission this summer is to attempt to make peace with my batwings. That's the extra skin hanging off my upper arms, for those not familiar with the term. Unless there's a winning lottery ticket somewhere, that skin is staying put. Last weekend, I wore a sleeveless top - without a shrug or sweater! - out in public for the first time since my weight loss. It didn't kill me. People didn't stare, throw stones or chase me down the street with torches and pitchforks. I'm going to do my best to wear them more and more this summer. Swimsuits, however....no, I'm not there yet. The excess skin on my upper thighs is BAD. No, it's really bad. No one needs to see that! I will wear board shorts or something (it needs to be knee length).

But sleeveless, I'm going to try.

Back up the mountain

It's time to get real.

By spending the last nine months sitting on my ass recovering from tummy tuck surgery, recurring sinus infections and a knee injury, I have found myself in a dreaded situation.

"Re-gain" is a term easily found on bariatric message boards and in support groups. Some people try their best to hide it, some ignore it, some justify it, some tackle it head on and get back to the basics of the program to lose it. Weight loss surgery will not make you thin forever; you have to eat well and exercise. There are NO long-term shortcuts.

I've been carrying around 10-15 "extra" pounds for a few years now, but my weight was stabilized so that was ok with me. No, it really was. A lot of times, people who experience massive weight loss will indeed gain a few pounds after reaching their goal weight - the term I've heard for this is "bounceback". Take Biggest Loser winner Rachel Frederickson, who recently made headlines for appearing shockingly thin on the show's finale. Rachel has since gained 20 pounds. I knew that would happen to her and I wasn't surprised at all when it did. When it happened to me - though I was by no means underweight when I reached my goal - I didn't let it worry me too much. Honestly, I thought I looked very drawn and a little strange at my goal weight. I have been ok with my weight for a long time.

But the past year has been tough. Not long before my tummy tuck, I started a new job working afternoon shift and that lifestyle change has been an adjustment. I don't cope well with change; it's an issue for me. And I have a terrible habit of sticking my head in the sand and procrastinating solving problems instead of, you know, actually solving them. Very Scarlett O'Hara: "I won't think about that now. I'll think about that tomorrow."

Do I sound like I'm making excuses? I guess I am. I'm also a defensive person. Basically, I'm a mess! But that has to change. *I* have to change.

The scale was going up. I could see that, I knew it. A few cycles of the trusty 5 Day Pouch Test definitely worked, but it doesn't work if you go right back to eating crap again. It's always been very clear to me that I need to exercise to maintain my weight because I'm not good at abstaining from every single food that's bad for me. I will eat pizza, I will have an occasional sliver of pie. And that's fine - moderation - but I must keep moving to even things out. And I haven't really been doing that for almost a year now. Can you say horribly out of shape?

So the scale was going up but I didn't see it yet. Not in the mirror, not in my clothes. "I'll think about that tomorrow." Well, baby, tomorrow is NOW. All of the sudden, my jeans got tighter. I didn't like pictures of myself anymore.

This past weekend, I participated in a race with a bunch of friends. We have an exercise group called Badbass Babes. We have our own logo, our own t-shirts. We're pretty badass! Professional photographers were along the route and when the photos came out, I couldn't believe the woman in those shots was me. There it was. RE-GAIN. I posted one of the photos a full THREE TIMES on Facebook and deleted it each time because I think I look so large in it.



I'm wearing a few layers, my legs & neck desperately need skin-removal plastics but...that's all me. I can't deny it anymore. About 30 pounds needs to come off. Face it, Scarlett.

Changes have already been made. I was starting to eat more often and badly - grabbing junk out of a vending machine or checkout line, bringing baked goods into the house, etc. Why was I doing that? Maybe to soothe myself because I physically felt so bad all the time. I'm not sure. But that's stopped already, even before I saw these pictures. However, I bought a few things over the weekend in the States that I justified by saying that I don't get to have them often. They're in the garbage now. It's over. I have to get serious about this again. I worked way too hard to get this weight off to allow it to creep back on.

It's so easy to get complacent and let old habits back in, especially as the years tick by. A crack addict can avoid crack. Crack addicts don't have to pass 10 fast-crack establishments on every street and crack isn't readily available in every store. Crack isn't advertised on tv and in magazines. People aren't smoking crack on every street corner. You can avoid friends who smoke crack; you never have to be around it again. This isn't the case with food. Moderation is a slippery slope. I did it for four years, though, and it worked for me. But it has to be a more EXTREME moderation, at least for now. I have been letting foods back into my diet with an ever-increasing laissez faire attitude. It's too dangerous.

I'm doing well in physiotherapy for my knees and seem to be back on track for regular exercise again. So it's time to get serious!

A good friend of mine has been posting in our support group about her re-gain and she may not realize how she has inspired me to come out about my own issues. I've been struggling with it for a few months now - whether to blog about it, how to say that I feel badly for letting this happen, for disappointing both myself and people who care about me. She has spurred me to be open about it. No journey is without speedbumps, miraculous hills as well as deep, dark valleys. No one is alone here. It's time to start climbing back up to the mountaintop. One step at a time, putting one foot in front of the other.

I'll take a knee (please)

At some point, we have to admit our humanity.

Since losing weight, I've done a lot of things I never thought I could. One that I enjoy most is participating in running/walking events. From my first 5K to the half marathon I completed last year, they are all exciting milestones in my mind. As a heavy child/teenager, I never participated in sports, so this whole thing of pushing my body towards a tangible finish line is new to me. People cheering for me, receiving a medal or ribbon at the end, the feeling of accomplishment - just the act of crossing a finish line - is a sort of addiction to me. I love it so much! And besides, the necessary training for these events keeps me in the gym and focused (most of the time!) on healthy habits.

I signed up for the half marathon right after I finished it last year, at a highly discounted price. Great! Of course I'll do it again! Then just a few weeks later I got the call to have my tummy tuck done. The recovery from the tummy tuck is looooonnnnggg. At least, mine has been. I haven't had any complications, but my whole torso is still...fragile. I'm now 8 months post-op and still have to be careful about how much I lift and exert myself. Honestly, I didn't do much at ALL for a few months. I started getting back into short walks in October, still wearing my abdominal binder. I even signed up for and completed a couple of events in the late fall, trying to get my mojo back. One 2.5K and one 5K. I wore TWO binders for both events and all went well. The knees were holding up, too.

By the time the Santa Shuffle 5K rolled around in early December, I had been pretty sick with what I thought was a cold for about a week. Just a day beforehand, I had a fever. But on race day, I was feeling a little better so decided to go. It was freezing and snowing out, and my nose was running like Niagara Falls (LOL) but I did well. My first trip to the doctor came a few days later. Sinus infection. First round of antibiotics, three-week supply. By Christmas, I was doing better (meaning no fever) and even though I was completely exhausted, I trudged through shopping, wrapping, dinner, etc. I had a few days of normalcy in early January, then got "sick" again. Waited about a week or so, went back to the doctor...sinus infection. More antibiotics. Didn't seem to help much, but I put off going back to the doctor. We're into February at this point. I had now been ill since November, pretty much all the time. No gym, no NOTHING. I was sitting on my ass folks, clutching a box of tissues and using a sinus rinse (which did NOTHING for me). We used so many tissues, Erich said we should buy stock in Puffs. I'd have a day where I would start to feel better and I'd think "Ok, I'll go to the gym tomorrow." Then I'd wake up feeling like a Mack truck ran over me in my sleep. OR...we'd get 12 inches of snow. This was shaping up to be one of the worst winters I'd ever had, both weather-wise and health-wise.

So I went back to the doctor in early February because I didn't want to be sick as a dog on my birthday on the 7th and we had a trip planned to Ohio on the 15th, for a week's stay with my parents. For the second year in a row, I did not make it home for Christmas. New job, and apparently people have to die before I get my turn in line to have Christmas off. So yeah. Doctor. Sinus infection again. Really?? More antibiotics. I took them for almost a week then came home from work one night and noticed I was getting what looked to be a rash on my neck. Hm. I showed it to Erich and had him take a photo of it. Having already planned to return to the doctor yet again the next morning since the antibiotics weren't working, I wanted to show this "rash" to him in case it cleared up while I slept. I took some Benadryl (couldn't hurt, right?) and went to bed.

Well. I woke up covered head to toe in little red dots.

When I got to the doctor's office, he looked at me and started muttering, "Oh no. Hm. Wow. Ok." He said I was having a reaction to the antibiotic and needed to go to the emergency room right away. I had a high fever, but wasn't having trouble breathing or anything. I went home, got Erich, called in sick to work and went to the ER. Long story short...I wasn't responding to the treatment they were giving me, so they decided to keep me overnight for observation. I started to improve overnight and by morning, the rash was almost totally gone. The doctor on staff brought an intern to see me and the strange-looking rash because he'd never seen anything like it before. Of course! Leave it to me to be weird! LOL!

In the end, I stopped taking EVERYTHING to get a handle on this rash. I had been taking over-the-counter meds, too, and of course my vitamins and supplements I always take. I stopped it all, including the new round of antibiotics the hospital physician prescribed to me. We went ahead with our trip to Ohio and eventually, I got better. Fingers crossed, I've been ok ever since. But then my problems started with my knees.

I have wanted to move out of our apartment for years now, ever since I lost weight especially. When we moved here, there were two units available - one on the main floor, one in the basement. You walk into the building and either go up a flight of stairs to the main floor, or down a flight to the basement. At well over 400 pounds, I remember thinking which option would be better for me if I was coming home with a load of groceries or just back from a hard day....I wanted to go DOWN, not up. So we took the basement apartment. Now, it's not as bad as you might think. The entire street-facing side of the apartment is nothing but big windows with lots of light coming through. It's not like I live in a hole in the ground! LOL! The main thing I want is outdoor living space. A balcony, a patio. Something.

We like the building, the neighborhood, our landlord, our super. We hate to move. There are three-bedroom units here, so we were considering moving to the third floor, where a unit might be opening up soon. So, when we returned from Ohio, I started climbing to the third floor a couple times a day, just to see how my knees would handle it. Well, guess what? They won't. I might have lost weight, but the damage has already been done. I started having debilitating knee pain for the first time in years. Like, really hurting. Barely able to walk around at work some nights. Yes, I'm a graphic designer but I do soooo much more than that. Some nights, I'm working in four different rooms at once, running around all over the place. There is no way I could've done this job pre-op; it's too physical. So this knee thing is a big issue.

But I iced it, wore my braces, etc. I had two 10Ks coming up, as well as the half marathon again in June. I was behind in my training schedule and starting to panic a little. So I went to the gym and likely overdid it. 8K on the treadmill. OMG....severe knee pain for a couple of days. I've gone back to my family doctor to begin a physiotherapy program.

I am doing better, but certainly not well enough to chance a half marathon. Not only because of my bum knees, but because I'm just not ready. I've spent too much time on my ass recovering from the tummy tuck, recurring sinus infections, etc. I just don't feel like it would be smart of me to say "I can do this!" and go out a kill myself in the process. I have nothing to prove to anyone and there's always next year. I will participate in the two events for which I had originally registered a 10K, I just switched them to 5K. That's more reasonable, I think, and very do-able. But the half marathon is out.

At first, I was really upset about all of this. It seemed like taking a step back. I suppose it is, but it's what's best for me now.

Erich and I are looking for a new place outside this building now - preferably either a main-level unit or someplace with an elevator because my knees can't do stairs (apparently). I'm continuing with my knee rehab and doing well, although the core exercises are waking up my midsection in a sometimes-unpleasant way! I'm in the gym twice a week doing light biking and walking. Sometimes it feels like I'll never be back to normal from the tummy tuck, but there are still no regrets. Life is an adventure and if the road turns and twists, well, that's what makes it interesting, right? Onward!

P.S. Sorry this is so long, and if you've read it all, thank you! It's good for me to get these things out. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my ramblings.

Find your Health Hero

You are stronger than you think. This has been my motto on my journey to better health for over five years now. In my moments of self-perceived weakness, I found strength in myself.

When I decided to have RNY gastric bypass surgery in 2009, I didn't join a support group. Indeed, I didn't know there were any to join; there may not have been any at the time in this area. I made my own phone calls, researched the protocol to get the surgery approved out of Canada since I'd already been turned away from a local clinic, and figured it out. My family doctor had no idea what to do and had very little knowledge of the surgery or how to care for me during or after the process. I had to lead her through it as well. I was her test case and after my success, she has gone on to recommend the surgery for other patients.

Maybe I was naive, but I didn't do much surfing around online or anything...not for support, at least. Honestly, I didn't know about any of that stuff. And when I did discover a few online forums I was turned off pretty quickly. Post one random thought or question and you'll get 10 different responses ranging from gratitude and interest to sneering and eye rolling. I didn't, and don't, need the drama. Henry Ford Hospital in Detroit, where I had my procedure, gave me a huge blue binder full of information and I read it voraciously. Again, maybe not too smart of me, but that was about it. I knew what I had to do to be successful and just did it.

Here's my favorite "before" photo. Christmas, 2008 (click to enlarge).


So when people ask me who my mentor is/was, who is my Health Hero, it's surprisingly difficult. After thinking about it for a while, I think it's me! Is that a weird answer? Let me explain.

Were there people I looked up to on this journey? Sure! I never missed an episode of The Biggest Loser or Ruby. But I had to make adjustments for my personal journey, as would anyone else. I tried to ignore it when, as a pre-op, I watched Allison Sweeney roll her eyes and shake her head at the mention of gastric bypass surgery. For me, there was more interest in someone my exact weight (444 pounds) shrinking more and more every week, doing things I didn't think I could. But hey, I was stronger than I thought; I could to that, too. I laughed as Ruby Gettinger smashed her talking scale with a sledgehammer - the exact same scale I had, purchased because it weighed up to 600 pounds - and it said "HELLO...I'M READY" after she thought she destroyed it. OMG, the thing was still alive! As is our quest for health. You can't kill it. Just when you think you're done, you're not. There were many teachable moments on television.

About three weeks after my surgery I found out about a local support group and went to my first meeting. It was at someone's house and there were two people there. It was kind of awkward and a little strange. I understand it was the middle of summer and people are busy, but I dunno. I just never went back. Again, probably not smart on my part. The best thing to come out of that meeting was I was told about The World According to Eggface, which is a wonderful resource for weight loss surgery patients. I still follow Shelly to this day, and she led me to Beth, a.k.a. Melting Mama. These two ladies are definitely worth a look if you're going through the process.

Here's a photo from around that time, August 2009 (click to enlarge):


It must be said that I, like a lot of morbidly obese or super morbidly obese folks, have an issue with meeting new people. Even in a setting where those around me are ostensibly like me, I fear being judged. For my appearance, for my choices, etc. I find myself to be oddly quiet in group settings when I'm definitely not that way normally. I'm a very opinionated, sarcastic and strangely funny person. But I clam up if I don't know you well because I fear saying or doing the wrong thing and seeming foolish. Even five years post-op, this is still somewhat true.

So I chugged along on my own for another three years until Melting Mama's Facebook page led me to a different local support group. This time I went and was much more comfortable. Maybe it was the atmosphere - a mall food court - or maybe it was just that I was ready to mingle, at a different point in my weight loss where I was open to sharing. I had lost 250 pounds by that point and certainly felt better about myself. This blog gave me confidence that I could share with others and also learn a few things myself! I love these people but they're not necessarily my Health Heroes. They inspire me with their determination, failure and forgiveness.

Here's me in September 2012, around the time I found my present support group (click to enlarge). I am getting ready to compete in my first 10K here:


But still, ultimately, it's up to me.

I'm the one who has to reach down inside myself and find a reason to continue. To have scrambled eggs and Greek yogurt for breakfast instead of pancakes & bacon. To go to the gym instead of cuddling up on the sofa with my husband. To set goals, like the half marathon I completed last spring, which force me to take care of myself and treat myself with respect. One of the most difficult lessons to learn is that WE ARE WORTH THE EFFORT. It's so easy to sit back and do nothing. Heroes rise to the occasion and put forth the effort to do what's right. And we all have that inside us.

Give thanks to those who have inspired you in some way, but also give credit to yourself. You are the one who recognized that inspiration and how it could benefit your own life. Then you put a plan in place, taking the steps necessary to achieve your own success. That was all you and no one else. But with that realization also comes responsibility; it's also up to you to keep up the good work. Celebrate your own heroism! It's yours for the taking.