Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Back up the mountain

It's time to get real.

By spending the last nine months sitting on my ass recovering from tummy tuck surgery, recurring sinus infections and a knee injury, I have found myself in a dreaded situation.

"Re-gain" is a term easily found on bariatric message boards and in support groups. Some people try their best to hide it, some ignore it, some justify it, some tackle it head on and get back to the basics of the program to lose it. Weight loss surgery will not make you thin forever; you have to eat well and exercise. There are NO long-term shortcuts.

I've been carrying around 10-15 "extra" pounds for a few years now, but my weight was stabilized so that was ok with me. No, it really was. A lot of times, people who experience massive weight loss will indeed gain a few pounds after reaching their goal weight - the term I've heard for this is "bounceback". Take Biggest Loser winner Rachel Frederickson, who recently made headlines for appearing shockingly thin on the show's finale. Rachel has since gained 20 pounds. I knew that would happen to her and I wasn't surprised at all when it did. When it happened to me - though I was by no means underweight when I reached my goal - I didn't let it worry me too much. Honestly, I thought I looked very drawn and a little strange at my goal weight. I have been ok with my weight for a long time.

But the past year has been tough. Not long before my tummy tuck, I started a new job working afternoon shift and that lifestyle change has been an adjustment. I don't cope well with change; it's an issue for me. And I have a terrible habit of sticking my head in the sand and procrastinating solving problems instead of, you know, actually solving them. Very Scarlett O'Hara: "I won't think about that now. I'll think about that tomorrow."

Do I sound like I'm making excuses? I guess I am. I'm also a defensive person. Basically, I'm a mess! But that has to change. *I* have to change.

The scale was going up. I could see that, I knew it. A few cycles of the trusty 5 Day Pouch Test definitely worked, but it doesn't work if you go right back to eating crap again. It's always been very clear to me that I need to exercise to maintain my weight because I'm not good at abstaining from every single food that's bad for me. I will eat pizza, I will have an occasional sliver of pie. And that's fine - moderation - but I must keep moving to even things out. And I haven't really been doing that for almost a year now. Can you say horribly out of shape?

So the scale was going up but I didn't see it yet. Not in the mirror, not in my clothes. "I'll think about that tomorrow." Well, baby, tomorrow is NOW. All of the sudden, my jeans got tighter. I didn't like pictures of myself anymore.

This past weekend, I participated in a race with a bunch of friends. We have an exercise group called Badbass Babes. We have our own logo, our own t-shirts. We're pretty badass! Professional photographers were along the route and when the photos came out, I couldn't believe the woman in those shots was me. There it was. RE-GAIN. I posted one of the photos a full THREE TIMES on Facebook and deleted it each time because I think I look so large in it.

 photo 19229-866366-21478333_zps3f935116.jpg

I'm wearing a few layers, my legs & neck desperately need skin-removal plastics but...that's all me. I can't deny it anymore. About 30 pounds needs to come off. Face it, Scarlett.

Changes have already been made. I was starting to eat more often and badly - grabbing junk out of a vending machine or checkout line, bringing baked goods into the house, etc. Why was I doing that? Maybe to soothe myself because I physically felt so bad all the time. I'm not sure. But that's stopped already, even before I saw these pictures. However, I bought a few things over the weekend in the States that I justified by saying that I don't get to have them often. They're in the garbage now. It's over. I have to get serious about this again. I worked way too hard to get this weight off to allow it to creep back on.

It's so easy to get complacent and let old habits back in, especially as the years tick by. A crack addict can avoid crack. Crack addicts don't have to pass 10 fast-crack establishments on every street and crack isn't readily available in every store. Crack isn't advertised on tv and in magazines. People aren't smoking crack on every street corner. You can avoid friends who smoke crack; you never have to be around it again. This isn't the case with food. Moderation is a slippery slope. I did it for four years, though, and it worked for me. But it has to be a more EXTREME moderation, at least for now. I have been letting foods back into my diet with an ever-increasing laissez faire attitude. It's too dangerous.

I'm doing well in physiotherapy for my knees and seem to be back on track for regular exercise again. So it's time to get serious!

A good friend of mine has been posting in our support group about her re-gain and she may not realize how she has inspired me to come out about my own issues. I've been struggling with it for a few months now - whether to blog about it, how to say that I feel badly for letting this happen, for disappointing both myself and people who care about me. She has spurred me to be open about it. No journey is without speedbumps, miraculous hills as well as deep, dark valleys. No one is alone here. It's time to start climbing back up to the mountaintop. One step at a time, putting one foot in front of the other.

8 comments:

  1. Thank you! And you are soo right! I love your crack comment! People don't get that it's an addiction for some people. I also have experienced about 20 pounds of regain. It happens. And the only one who can do something about it is me!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You're welcome! We're all in this together but it's up to us to make that first step - the man in the mirror, so to speak.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I get exactly what you're saying. I haven't had the amazing weight loss you've had... but about a year ago, my doctor me I was pre-diabetic. It scared me. I started eating better (fewer sugars and carbs) and going to the gym 3x a week. Plus I was going hiking multiple times a week and doing Zumba 1 or 2x a week. I had lost 20 lbs. give or take, my A1c number went down, I felt better... way better. Then in May last year, I got a stress fracture in my left foot from Zumba. I was in a cast until I told them it was causing more problems, then in a boot. I wasn't supposed to walk more than necessary and Zumba was out for a long time. I have since gained it all back, and I feel every ounce. My clothes are tight, I get out of breath too easy and I know I've been eating crappier. I have recently realized I need to do something, too. It's a constant struggle. But we're human... and humans screw up occasionally. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. We definitely are all too human, Melanie. It's frustrating because we work so hard to get the weight off but it's so easy to fall back into old habits. Just gotta get back up on the wagon!

    ReplyDelete
  5. And you'll do it Cindy. I've no doubt about that. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ah but the huge difference this time is that you've caught it and nipped it in the bud. You didn't wait for there to be a whole bush to deal with. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't beat yourself up...... what's in the past ,is in the past. You know better than anyone that your have the drive to continue your healthy journey and just look at the last few months as a "Learning Curve Ball." Once again, a great blog! Good Luck :)

      Delete
  7. Thank God! I noticed what I thought was a weight gain in your latest pictures (although with pictures you never know for sure) and I'm so glad you are getting it under control. You perfectly describe the way weight just sneaks up on us. As you know, I go up and down from year to year and I'm trying to get it under control again. Ugh. And every time I lose weight I tell myself I'm not gonna gain and do that to myself ever again. Pfft. F*cking sneaky bastard pounds. We can do this, dammittohell!!!

    ReplyDelete