Baby, it's cold outside!

Ok, the winter thing is slightly out of hand. I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say that.

I've always been a "hot-natured" person. In my case, this is a politically correct term for "too much insulation" which is in turn another euphemism for "fat". I wore t-shirts year round. I kept a fan on my desk - and used it - even in January. The main reason I stopped wearing bangs is because I would sweat from any and all movement - in any weather - so my hair would be plastered against my forehead. Not a good look.

Last year that changed somewhat. I had lost a good 125 pounds by the time winter rolled around and I definitely could feel the chill more than before. It was an effort to remind myself that I would be cold. Shopping for a new "light coat" before a trip to Nashville last December, I ended up with what was no more than a sweater with a faux-fur lined hood. It was really nice and I was thrilled that I could wear it. But...I was wishing for something heavier while I was there! It continued like that all winter. Cindy - you will be cold, so plan accordingly. A whole new concept, you see.

But this year? I've lost another 125 pounds and well, it feels like friggin' Siberia outside my home in Southern Ontario. Now, for any Americans reading this...it is NOT *that* cold here. Right now it's 22 degrees Fahrenheit outside, with a wind chill of 10. Yeah, that's cold but seriously. It ain't that bad. There are plenty of places in the U.S. where that's not an unreasonable temperature. And I should be used to it. But I'm freezing my ass off!

Erich laughs at me all the time because I used to yearn to be "cold-natured". "It would be much easier to cover up and be comfortable rather than sit and swelter all the time," I reasoned. And I still stand by this even though BOY, did I ever get my wish.

I'm building a wardrobe of sweaters. So, this year, I will actually have a winter and summer wardrobe above the waist. Pre-op, all I had to do was switch out the capris and long, black pants. I shop for long sleeves, warm, fuzzy socks and race to get home so I can turn on the fireplace. I drink hot chocolate (sugar free) nearly every morning because it warms me up when I get to work! (I don't like coffee.) I've turned off the ceiling fan in the bedroom - it used to run year around. I want some warm slippers and long underwear! I use throws and Snuggies. These are all things I've never done in my life.

A dear friend of mine, also a gastric bypass patient, is going through her first winter after losing weight. She said to me recently, "I can't believe how cold it is out there." I had to laugh and agree. It's not colder than normal but to *us* it feels like we've moved to the damn north pole! Hey Santa! Put some tickets to Cuba in the stocking, will ya??

A long time ago, a friend of my mother's said she went to the tanning bed in winter so she could warm up. She was one of those lucky "cold-natured" people - and quite overweight, I might add. So that's not always a barometer to use. However, even though I don't tan (I burn) and have never regularly used tanning beds in my life (even when my parents owned about 10 of them), I briefly considered this option.

I feel like I'm going nuts! LOL!

Another big change I see this winter is in the way I navigate slippery sidewalks and parking lots. When you weigh 450 pounds, you tread carefully. Literally taking baby steps across the wet and ice, you are very aware that if you fall, the results could be disastrous. Will you be able to hoist yourself back up? How badly will you hurt your back or your knees? Imagine 450 pounds crashing down on one knee or straight down on your back. These are the thoughts that run through a super-obese person's head. At least they ran through mine. I also had very little balance and was wobbly on my feet even in the best of circumstances. Even if I didn't fall, the act of simply trying to right myself if I slipped a tiny bit might be enough to send me to the chiropractor and possibly a day off work.

Last winter, I still walked around this way - probably out of habit. But now I notice myself moving with more confidence; an ingrained assurance that I won't fall. And if I do, I can simply pick myself back up and move on. Or, at the very least, the odds are with me. I noticed it for the first time just days ago. I was walking in a Walmart parking lot. I had on boots with a fairly slippery bottom, yet I was moving quickly and with long strides.

It's more than a physical knowledge, this thing of realizing you won't fall. Of not even considering the notion. Of just moving around and about, not even thinking about it. That certainty does something to your mind as well. It changes you in a way that is hard to describe unless you've been there. A word comes to mind that I use over and over again...freedom.

To end things on a light note (and it'll warm you up if you're cold, I promise), let's take a look at the video that inspired the title of this blog. Keep a fan nearby....

Santa-time snacking

How is everyone doing with the holiday-eating thing? Me, it's going ok. I'm striving for balance and it seems to be working thus far.

At this point, at 17 months post-op, I can eat almost anything. I'm lucky in that I haven't had any real serious issues with food consumption since my surgery. There were things that bothered my pouch in the beginning – bread, poultry, sugar – but now I'm in pretty good shape. The 'normal-ness' returned slowly but surely and now I can and do eat just about anything I want. Smoked sausage still bothers me, as does rice. I can have a tiny bit of rice but then my pouch says 'whoa!' You know the thing of not throwing rice at weddings now because the birds eat it and it swells their stomachs? Yeah. That's what happens to me. No idea why the smoked sausage is a problem. Sugar is ok now in small quantities but I still need to take it easy on an empty stomach. I found that out the hard way; I still never have had a dumping episode, though. I'm very proud of that!

I'm upping the exercise intensity at the gym, doing up to a 15 incline on the treadmill and pushing myself to go farther, faster. It’s a trade off, right? If you’re going to indulge a bit then you have to work it off.

Especially now with Christmas approaching, there is ample opportunity to go completely off the rails. I don't have to tell you it's not always easy to stay on track. There will always be a part of me, inside, that desperately wants to eat, eat, eat. I call her Zelda. Why? I dunno, I just do. Zelda usually comes out to play when I'm bored or tired. She wants snacks. Snacking is a big thing with me – I'd rather snack all day and night than eat meals. I'm also a person who would rather have 10 little things with $100 than one quality item. I want variety! I sometimes have trouble making up my mind, I guess. Zelda likes fries and Tim Hortons Timbits. Now some of that is ok. I truly believe you never have to give up all things that are “bad” for you. But sometimes Zelda has to be squashed or I'd end up right back where I started.

I think about food a lot. That's the thing, right? If you want to eat well, you kinda have to put a lot of thought into what you're eating which can be a problem. If you have an addiction to something, it’s tough to have to constantly think about it. Sometimes the healthy eating is automatic but most of the time, it's a CHOICE and something that I have to be conscious of doing. My hope is that one day it will be automatic. I'm still in the learning stages of this stuff and I don't mind telling you it's a struggle sometimes. I swear it'd be easier to quit crack. At least you don't have to weigh and measure your acceptable daily crack dose and have the strength to turn away another hit. You just stop smoking crack. Period.

I have the energy to cook and bake now and I'll be damned if I wasn't going to do it just because it'd be a sin to have treats in the house. I made them. They're here. And I do eat them sometimes. Like I said – up the workout, shoot for better eating at mealtime. So far it hasn't shown up on the scale too much at all so I must be doing something right. Water is so important, too. Drink, drink, drink.

Some of you may remember that I put my wedding set away almost a year and a half ago when it nearly fell off my finger while I was swimming laps in the pool. Well, since I reached my goal, I recently got them re-sized and can you believe I have size 6 fingers? I sure as hell can't! I was probably 6 years old the last time I had size 6 fingers. When Erich bought my engagement ring in 2001, he simply tried it on himself to see whether or not I could wear it. It was a size 11. How does a person lose 5 sizes in their damn FINGERS? It blew me away.

Another funny story: I wanted to wear a nice watch to Erich's company Christmas party. My regular Italian-charm Bo Bice watch didn't seem quite right. LOL! So I dug around in my jewelry box and I don't have a single watch that I can wear. Nada. I spent so much time searching and so much money paying extra for bigger things and now I have no use for them. It makes me kinda sad in a way. All this stuff that I can't wear anymore. All my rings, bracelets, watches - even my necklaces are too long. So I bought a cute watch from Avon thinking I could wear it. Uh, wrong. Even it was too big! So I have to take it to a jewelry store and get links taken out. Gah. Nice thing to complain about, I suppose!

I wore a dress for the party. Yes, Cindy put on a dress. I do not do dresses. Erich said “Oh! I see a little leg!” LMAO!! Plus I wore the hooker boots he bought me that I can actually walk in now. We clean up pretty well, although that dress didn't look the way I thought it would on me for some reason. I did try it on, but I dunno. I was a little disappointed. Here's a pic:



I have an appointment on the 18th to get my goal tattoo. It took me a while to make up my mind about exactly what I wanted. It will be a heart like the others, but with butterfly wings. I think it'll turn out great.

One last thing: I am freezing to death. Seriously. Layers, fireplace on, dryer running – I’m comfortable now. Erich will come home and feel like he’s in a sauna.

Who I am

I've been looking back at photographs tonight and thinking about what I've done and who I've become by getting here. So many people tell me I'm different inside as well as outside.

Who am I now, after the journey from there:


to here?


I am happy. What does happy mean? People tell me I am optimistic now in a way I wasn't before all of this. That I smile more; there is a weight lifted from me emotionally. I think a lot of this has to do with simply feeling better physically. Being more active makes you feel better. All my co-morbidities (diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea) are gone and I am more energetic. I can sleep at night! I can think more clearly and my body doesn't betray me anymore. All of this would improve anyone's mood. LOL! There's also a self-awareness that has come along with weight loss. Which brings me to the following:

I am strong - physically and emotionally. I understand my own depth now. Some of that comes with age. When I was younger, I was "the tough one", not one to cry easily. But real strength comes from not being afraid to show people how you feel. Erich gets a lot of credit here, too. He makes me feel secure and loved. With emotional awareness and strength comes physical prowess. The perfect storm for finding the power within yourself to change. It's all mind over matter (well, most of it is, anyway).

I am fearless. There's the ziplining and the roller coasters and stuff, sure. But it's more than that. Losing this weight has taught me that I can do just about anything so why not try it? I'm like a child wanting to push the envelope and try, do anything I can. I have very little fear of anything these days.

I am free. The physical and emotional baggage that comes with 250 extra pounds can't be overstated. Being obese my whole life did something to my soul, tethering me to doubt and grief. I was grieving for a life I didn't even know was out there; held back and not realizing it. Is there anything worse than confinement in a prison of your own making?? It means you and you alone are responsible for your liberation. It took me a long time to understand that. I'm still frustrated in other areas of my life because of this one truth; but I'll get there. I'll make changes one at a time. I'll do it because I am worth it!

I am honest. You must be truthful with yourself. Don't kid yourself and think you can skip a week or two of workouts (been there, done that). Don't kid yourself and think you can have the bag of potato chips and not pay for it later. This has carried itself into other areas of my life. Truth is kind. It is your friend, even though you may not always see it that way at first. It makes you happy, strong, fearless and free. That's it.

So much has happened in the past couple of years. I may not be the best person to give advice but what the hell, here it is, paraphrasing a wise quote from Dr. Phil (oh, yes...THAT Dr. Phil): The only thing worse than being in an abusive relationship for 10 years, or however long, is being in that relationship for 10 years and one day. I was in an abusive relationship with myself. Make the change NOW. I wish I'd done it decades ago, but I can't think about all that's lost. All I can do is move forward. And seriously...you can, too.

Record keeping

As I'm thinking about buying new calendars for 2011 I noticed that I will need a new one for my purse. It was a two-year planner and MAN ALIVE! What a two years it has been!

I know I've showed my planner to a few people in person but I don't think I've ever blogged about it. Before all this started back in February 2009, I went to the dollar store and grabbed a small planner so I could keep track of my doctors' appointments and stuff. The first entry is in late January reminding me of an appointment at the sleep lab. I was being tested for sleep apnea, which I would learn was quite severe.

February is more active because well, that's when all hell broke loose. Thank goodness! I had the two-day seminar/surgeon appointment in Detroit and I decided to keep track of my weight by writing it down. Back then, I weighed in on Tuesdays. I chose Tuesday because I'd been to see Dr. Genaw for the first time on the 4th and he told me to lose 40 pounds. My birthday was on the 7th; I didn't want to diet on my birthday! I had birthday dinners planned over the weekend and on the Monday. So I chose to start my pre-op "diet" on the 10th - a Tuesday. The "mask fitting" note is for my sleep apnea mask. The pictures aren't great but you get the idea. As always, click to enlarge:



It looks like I lost six pounds over that weekend but really it was four. My scales at the time were not in sync with the ones in Detroit but I wouldn't figure that out for a while yet. LOL!

Here are another couple of months pre-op. May 2009 seemed to be particularly challenging. That was month my grandmother passed away. She was not well and I eventually traveled to Ohio, staying for over a week till she passed and helping with the funeral, etc., and dealing with all the stress. I was going through losing one of the two most important women in my life, the surgery date looming over me and knowing I needed to lose a lot more weight by then. I was a wreck, pretty much....



But I got my shit together and managed to lose over 70 pounds by my surgery date, making Dr. Genaw VERY happy. A couple of weeks later I got new scales that were more accurate. I still use them, even though I don't need the 450-lb. capacity anymore or the 'talk' feature. I can see past my stomach now and look at the numbers myself. I actually turned the 'talk' feature off because the new kittens were stepping all over it all the time and all I ever heard from the hall was "Hello. I'm ready." GAH!

July was great but looks like I hit a plateau in October. I remember thinking WTF? I should be losing more. I think my body just needed a break. Things were back on track by December when I rewarded myself with a trip to Nashville. That was one of the best trips ever! Sure wish I could go again this year!



Sometimes it seems like the scale isn't moving at all. And truth is sometimes it doesn't! But the sun will rise tomorrow. Having these records helped me to see that even if I had a rough patch, I always - always - came out of it and started losing again. Just keep on keepin' on! Never give up. Witness April/May 2010 - nothing the first three weeks then BAM! and we're rollin' again. I had little gains, too, but I always bounced back.



The Summer of Cindy was a very busy time. I felt like my weight loss over the summer completely sucked but when I looked back I could see that really, there was still a downward spiral (which in this case, is a good thing). The numbers on the right of the page still went down, generally.



It took me longer than I anticipated or wanted, but eventually I did reach my goal! I was weighing myself almost every day at the end. LOL! The suspense was making me crazy and honestly, the stress I put on myself probably caused me to hold onto the pounds a little longer than necessary. It's all water under the bridge now.



I guess you got a glimpse into all the other stuff I was doing with my planner besides tracking my weight :) I blogged about most of it anyway, so there's nothing earth shattering in there.

So anyway, I thought I'd share my little record book with you all to show that I think it's very important to have a tangible reminder that things will be ok. You'll get over the plateau and make it through whatever crap is happening to REACH YOUR GOAL. It may not be on your timeline but you'll get there!

My weight since reaching my goal has been up a pound or two, down a pound or two. I'm "hovering" around my goal weight which is what I'm supposed to be doing, I think! The quest for normal is an ongoing thing: How do I just BE? Just live my life, try to eat and exercise the best I can and get on with it. I don't want to obsess about it. So far, I'm doing ok.

Gimme some skin (or not)

Did I say in my last installment to look for a few new blogs soon? Um...sorry. I had the best intentions but pfffft...

I've blogged before about wanting to have a panniculectomy to remove excess skin on my midsection. A panniculectomy is different from a tummy tuck (abdomnioplasty); a tummy tuck tightens the muscle as well as removes excess skin and fat, but a panniculectomy only removes excess skin and fat. The panniculectomy is, from everything I'd read and heard about, the procedure that OHIP (Ontario Health Insurance Plan) might cover. A couple of weeks ago, I went to a doctor in London, Ontario, to see about having this surgery. I understand that in most cases, OHIP will not cover the cost of a panniculectomy. But sometimes they do. I had to go find out for myself if I would be a viable candidate. I figured what did I have to lose?

Well, apparently, I had to lose almost two entire days off work, a lot of my sanity and $80.00 (not counting gas money and cell phone charges).

There was a huge mix-up for my first appointment. Long story short: I was told to go to one location, went there and couldn't find the doctor! No one in the building had ever heard of her. No sign, no note, no nothing mentioning her at all. I kept calling her office trying to find out what the deal was. No answer. I left message after message, flagging them as 'urgent' and incurring long-distance roaming charges as there is no nationwide long-distance thing here in Canada. When a very nice lady at the hospital (totally NOT where the doctor told me to go but where her usual office is located) finally reached her, basically the response was "Yes, she had an appointment today. I was there and she wasn't. She needs to re-book."

"But she's come all the way from Kitchener (Kitchener is about 50 miles from London). She and her husband have taken off work. Can you possibly see her today?"

"No. I'm on the way home."

WHAT????? I was more than a little furious. She's in the car and won't turn around for me to come in for 20 fucking minutes so I don't have to do this all over again next week?? When it's HER fault I didn't see her? Seriously??

I was thinking maybe I didn't even want to deal with this doctor. However, she had just performed this surgery on a friend of mine - a fellow gastric bypass patient - who liked her very much. My friend's surgery was covered by OHIP so I knew this doctor knew how to work the system. After having to take my family doctor by the hand and lead her through the gastric-bypass process, that was important to me. Also, this doctor has a specialty in patients who have gone through massive weight loss. So I was going to call the next day and re-book. One more chance. BUT....she better not try to charge me a missed-appointment fee. Then we would fight. LOL!

I was at my desk at work for less than 10 minutes the next morning when her receptionist called me back to re-book. No apology. No nothing. There was a specific suite in the building I needed to go to. No one told me that; I looked over the notes I took when I was on the phone with her before the first appointment - nothing. I'm a pretty good note-taker. When people call me at work requesting changes to their printing designs/jobs, I have to be specific. So I still think she just didn't tell me this very important information.

"You realize," I said, "all of this could've been avoided if I could've simply reached someone at your office by phone." Sill no apology. She just said she wasn't answering the phone in that office, at the hospital, that day. Or returning messages flagged 'urgent', either, I suppose. Whatever. Re-booked for the following Monday.

I went alone this time as I didn't want Erich to have to take off work again. The doctor was indeed very nice (her receptionist leaves a lot to be desired, however, even in person) and I did like her. She was very impressed with my weight loss and said it was among the highest percentages she'd seen. She also told me I had more excess skin than she normally sees. Great! Maybe that would mean my chances of having the surgery covered would be better! Not so much.

"OHIP isn't in the business of covering tummy tucks," she began. Yeah, I know that! Not asking for a tummy tuck. While I do have a lot of excess skin, I haven't had any huge medical issues with it. By that, she said she means something requiring antibiotics or hospital stays. She said she could see I had some issues (which I'll spare you), but it's not enough. Not even worth applying to OHIP about.

That'll be $80.00 please! Cha-ching! At least there was no mention of a missed-appointment fee.

So yeah. I guess that ship has sailed and we're done! I have to learn to love my rolls, even though they aren't filled with anything anymore. LOL!

I did ask her opinion on how much skin there was - if she were to remove it all, how much would it be? Again she said I had more than the average patient, but it's never the magic 30 pounds everyone thinks it is! I can see that for sure. She told me her estimate would be 10-12 pounds. Now that's the removal of the skin everywhere - complete tummy tuck, upper arms, thighs. So I guess that would mean I'd hover around 180-185 without the skin. Still too much for the 'charts'. Maybe I should lose another 10-15 pounds? I dunno. I'm pretty happy the way I am (minus the skin issues). If it comes off, it does. I've lost 250 pounds and I have to take a breath for a minute. Just a minute.

Also a couple of weeks ago, I applied to Oprah for Erich and I to appear on a show about couples makeovers. If I can get some new clothes and style advice then why not? And having Erich do it with me would be really sweet. He is the only one who has been here with me, in person, every day, every step. His support has meant the world to me and if I can share some of the attention with him then I will. Plus, our 10th wedding anniversary is coming up in the spring, when the show would likely air. And this is a man who has "work" t-shirts and "dress" t-shirts. He could use some makeover help, too. LOL! We haven't heard a thing yet and I don't have my hopes up. But we'll see, right? It's like the lottery. If you don't play, your chances of winning are zero instead of just a long-shot.

Here's hoping for a trip to Chicago in the winter. LOL!

Who's that girl?

Have you ever looked at a photo of yourself and thought "Is that me??" Usually this happens to people as they gain weight and often serves as a wake-up call to finally get healthy again. But for me, it's happening as I lose weight.

I've always been heavy so I have no real reference point for me as a 'thin' person. I'm still not thin, but certainly look much more normal than I ever have in my life. I have friends who shy away from having their pictures taken because they feel they look 'fat' or whatever. I never understood that too well because most of the time, these people were much less than half my size! LOL! I never minded having my picture taken. I suppose I was resigned to the fact that hey - this is how I look so I need to just move the hell on and not be silly about it. I'm very much a "picture person" so there are photos of me and my family and friends all over my home. Doesn't bother me a bit. The only time a picture has ever really bothered me was the one from Christmas 2008, but by that time I'd already put things in motion to have the surgery. So it wasn't the catalyst for change, just reassurance that I was doing the right thing.

I've said before about how Halloween is my thing. I LOVE it - it's my favorite holiday by far. Yes, even more so than Christmas. I love the time of year and all things scary so it wins. This year I wanted to do something different with my costume so I added a wig. Now, I've always had a huge head. LOL! Wigs, hats - I couldn't find stuff like that to fit me. Have I even lost weight on my head?? Soooo weird, but maybe!

Erich and I went over to his mom's place for trick-or-treat like always, and like always, we took some pictures. At the last minute, I decided to take my glasses off for the photos. So when I saw the finished shots, I was a little stunned. Is that me? No...no way. THAT'S ME????



Seriously? That's me? Not to sound arrogant but I think I look pretty good there! If I didn't know that was me, I would see that picture and say "that's not a bad-looking chick". It feels very awkward and odd to even think that way about myself, not to mention say it out loud. I've never felt I was pretty. I sort of still have this notion that if I think it, feel it or say it, someone will come along and put me in my place - remind me that I'm fat and ugly. I guess I still see myself that way to a large extent or I wouldn't feel so 'unentitled' (is that a word?) to like the way I look.

I have stared at that picture for a week. Maybe I'm trying to get my brain to understand that it's really me? I don't know.

People tell me I look wonderful all the time. And I so appreciate it - it's a wonderful to have acknowledgment for what I've accomplished. But people will say that when you lose 250 pounds, right? It doesn't mean I'm pretty now! But that woman in the picture - I think she's ok looking. I don't look anything like that every day, certainly. Maybe I should go goth?? Dye my hair jet black, wear dark eye makeup and get contacts?? LOL! I don't think I could stick something in my eye, though. I've always wanted lasik eye surgery!

The Halloween pictures are some of the first from this whole journey where I look at them and don't see me. That's a really weird thing, let me tell you. I can still see Cindy in all the other photos that have been taken of me. I'm there, just much thinner. But that woman in the Halloween pictures, that is not the woman I think I am. I had no idea I could look that way. It's a reminder that I really need to work on having my brain and my body catch up to one another.

Here's one of Erich and myself plus a before-and-after shot of the past three Halloweens: 2008, 2009 and 2010:





I have been so busy lately and there is so much to write about! My little notebook where I jot down blog ideas is looking cluttered. So look for a few more blogs this week, unless life gets in the way.

Roller coaster of love

As I was saying in my blog 'Where's the Real Food?', Erich and I went to Canada's Wonderland's Halloween Haunt a couple of weeks ago so we could check out the scary stuff and put a nail in the coffin of another of my big fears - riding a roller coaster.

After we ate dinner, during which I was looking for the aforementioned "real food", we strolled on towards the rides in the park. It was still light outside but the park wasn't open to the general public yet so we had some awesome personalized attention in the first two haunted mazes we walked through. They were great so we were already in a good mood. We stood around waiting for the rides to open; security told us "Watch out for the stampede behind you." So we turned around and sure enough, a crowd was running full speed ahead towards us, past us. They all seemed to be heading for the first coaster around which is called Dragon Fire.

Erich said "You want to ride this one?" And since I didn't have much time to think, I said "Ok!"

There were no line-ups to speak of the whole night. I think if I'd had to stand in line for an hour - like in the summer - I might've talked myself out of this stuff. But as it was, I followed him and we trotted up to the ride and got on.

Oh, this seat looked sooooooo tiny!! I only hesitated for a second then climbed in. I actually had room in the seat. I had no idea what to do with the rollbar or the strap so Erich helped me and I just did what he did. Then the guy came around and checked to make sure everyone was in and we were off. It was all very, very quick.

"I have lost my mind," I said as we started moving. When we started the first climb, Erich asked me if I was ok. "So far," I replied. My heart was beating out of my chest. Seriously. I looked down and holllllyyyy crap. "I have lost my mind," I said again and Erich started to laugh. I have to admit I closed my eyes as we went down the first hill. Here's a video POV of Dragon Fire. And I was screaming about like the woman in the video, too.



The ride is super quick. I couldn't believe it was over so fast. "People wait in line for two hours for that?" I said. Erich said yes, most rides are over very quickly. Hm. Interesting. I was a little dizzy when we got up and walked off the ride. It wasn't so bad! Actually kind of fun.

By now it was dark and we walked around soaking up the atmosphere and going through the other mazes. We stopped to ride the The Rage, which is one of those pirate ships that swings back and forth. OMG - ok, I know it's not a huge ride, but just the sensation that you're going to fall out messes with your head. Sheesh.



More mazes - all of which were really cool but we preferred the ones that were indoors. The outdoor ones were great, too, but we felt like they needed more staff to scare you. There were stretches where you're just walking and nothing was happening. We really enjoyed the staff who were in costume just walking around the park, too. Very cool and we'll definitely go back!

Next up, we went into a ride simulator called Elvira's Superstition. It was actually pretty neat though it would've been better if we'd been more towards the middle of the theater. It kinda feels like you're on a real coaster, though certainly not the same.



Next up...Skyrider. It's a stand-up steel coaster. While waiting in line (a total of about 10 minutes), there was a guy about Erich's size being strapped in. We were watching him, thinking if he can get on then Erich can. He saw us watching him struggle and laughed. They tightened the strap across his chest instead of his stomach so he was good. Erich did the same thing when we got on. I again was having problems just maneuvering the rollbar. I don't really know what to do with the stuff. LOL! A staff member helped me and she pulled the strap over my stomach and had to tighten it up. That was a moment. She had to tighten it up. "You ok now sweetie? You feel ok?" she asked. "Yeah, I'm fine." I was smiling from ear to ear.

"I have lost my mind," I said again. And again, my husband started to laugh at me. "What the hell am I doing? I really have lost my mind." And off we went.



I think this one was my favorite just because there was less jarring and moving around than on the others. I guess because they really have you wedged in, with the rollbar over your shoulders, the strap, and the bar that comes up between your legs. You don't move very much.

Last on the list (with good reason) was the Great Canadian Minebuster. Let me tell you this: I'm really glad this wasn't the first coaster I rode because it probably would've been the last. It was AWFUL. It was modeled after The Beast at Kings Island. And after I got off it, I felt like I'd been in a high-speed car crash. It shook the living shit out of me. Plus I lost my favorite headband (pout) - yes, it shakes you that much. I was almost in tears by the time we came to a stop. I was walking sideways for a few steps; I felt like I had serious whiplash and my back was messed up. It scared me because I haven't felt that type of disjointed pain for a long time, since before my surgery. It took me back to my 450-pound days for a second and freaked me out. Plus I was really dizzy. When we got to a bench somewhere, Erich sat me down till I felt better. I will never ride that thing again.



So I was done after that. No more coasters for Cindy this trip! We went through the rest of the haunted mazes and interacted with the staff wandering around. I got my picture taken with a couple who had probably two of the best costumes at the park (as always, click to enlarge):



Not long after we left, I realized I hadn't sat down the entire night except to ride and the brief few minutes after getting off the Minebuster. I didn't feel it, didn't notice it at all. I just was having a good time and not worrying about my body failing me in any way. Freedom. It's so liberating I can't even explain it to you if you've never been entombed by your own body. Breaking free of the chains my obesity put on me is the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life.

Back in 2003 or 2004, I took Erich and Ericha to Kings Island when we went to Ohio for our annual visit in the summer. I enjoyed going there even if I didn't ride anything. But this was a completely awful day and by the end of it, I swore I'd never go back to an amusement park.

I could barely walk 20 feet, let alone walk around Kings Island all day long so we rented a scooter for me so I could have some semblance of a normal experience. The straw that broke the camel's back was that I broke the scooter. There was a weight limit, and I knew I was over it when we rented it, but we decided to go ahead anyway. I really didn't know how much I weighed but I didn't think I was that far over the limit. Mistake. Oh yes, I broke the fucking scooter. That was it. I thought to myself "Well, I can't walk it and I can't even rent the scooters they have available because I'm too fat to ride them. So I guess I'm done." Now I realize I was hovering around 500 pounds back then - I was at my heaviest - so man...the poor scooter.

Someone, probably my mother, took a picture of me on that scooter. The bottom picture is of me at Wonderland a couple weeks ago:



And here is a picture of Erich and me at Kings Island, and below that one of us at Wonderland:



My main man Michael Ventrella, last season's Biggest Loser, recently gave an interview where he was asked about one of his goals he'd set for himself:

Michael, you previously said that one of your goals was to visit a theme park. Have you done that yet?!

"Sadly no! I have all these little cousins who are waiting for me. They send me texts and emails and Facebook messages like, 'When are we going to go to Disney World or Great America?' But I've been so busy that I haven't had the time to go, to do all these things. I've been reborn, I'm at a weight right now that I haven't been since I was 13 or 14 years old so I'm able to do all the things I wasn't able to do when I was a child, so I'm excited and it's like I'm living life for the first time in a way. I've been given a second chance and it's a new life to me, so I'm excited."

That is exactly how I feel! I wrote a response to him and told him to MAKE time and get on the damn coaster. Live your life out loud. He needs to MAKE TIME. Ah yes, sweet freedom. Life is good.

The beat goes on

I've thought a lot about what I would say when I reached my weight-loss goal of losing 250 pounds. What inspiring words could I write about such an achievement? Something I've chased after my entire life? Something I never thought I could do? How could I put the emotion into words?

On Friday morning, I stepped on the scale and there they were: Three little magic numbers. 194. 194.0, mind you. Like it was planned or something. I stood there a moment and let it sink in. Huh. I did it. I lost 250 pounds. Fifteen months, eight days after my surgery. I smiled to myself and considered waking Erich up. I would've if not for the fact that we already planned for him to drive me to work so he could take my car in for an oil change; he would be up soon anyway. So I just went to the kitchen to make my breakfast - after posting on Facebook about my achievement.

Erich and I celebrated when he got up with hugs and kisses. My mother and I had an agreement that I would call her the minute I reached my goal. Waiting till about 7:30, I made the call. She and my father were asleep but woke up in a hurry when I shared my good news. They are happy for me and so proud. Making my parents happy is almost as important to me as making myself happy. So that was a nice conversation.

Erich took a photo of me to mark the occasion (click to enlarge):



Several of my work friends are on Facebook so everyone already knew when I walked in to a hug from the company owner's wife and applause from a few co-workers. My supervisor said "Cindy! You aaaarrre The Biggest Loser!" LOL! That's *almost* true. Michael Ventrella, last season's winner, is the only one to lose more than 250 pounds (he lost 264). So there ya go. LOL!

Funny sidenote: I brought a fruit tray into work as sort of a celebration. It was barely touched. My co-worker and good friend Rafal and I joked that if I'd brought in a dozen donuts, they would've been gone by noon. Very true.

That night Erich took me out to dinner to celebrate. I know - food to celebrate a massive weight loss? But hey, what were we gonna do at 7 p.m.? Hike up a mountain? I had grilled chicken and a baked potato (half of it) but I really wanted a drink. Gastric bypass patients are not supposed to have alcohol as it is absorbed very quickly into our system. Basically, we're very cheap drunks. I've always been a cheap drunk so lord knows how alcohol would affect me now. I rarely drank pre-op but I wanted to celebrate, you know? Pina coladas and strawberry daiquiris are out; too much sugar (they were my favorite pre-op drinks). But it was $4 martini night at the restaurant so....I opted for a Jolly Rancher martini. Man alive! Good stuff but I sure did feel it very, very soon. Cheap drunk.

Erich made a toast: "To my pretty wife." Awwww....

We did some shopping before dinner and *drumroll please* I found some to-the-knee boots that fit!! For $30.00!! I am so excited. Woot!! My little gift to myself.

Words of inspiration. Hmmm. Well, I can only tell you this: I ain't done. It ain't over. The hardest part of weight loss is maintenance. I will have to work for the rest of my life to keep this weight off. I must take that very seriously. I went to the gym today, the day after reaching my goal, to remind myself of that. You're not done, Cindy. The beat goes on.

I need to thank you all once again for your continued support. It has made my task that much easier knowing I have you all to count on and answer to! Many times I've pulled back from a not-so-smart food choice or wanting to slack off my exercise because what would I tell all of you? I didn't want to let you - or myself - down. So thank you.

Roller coaster blog is coming! :-)

Where's the real food?

Way back in the spring, before the launch of the Summer of Cindy, one of the things I said I wanted to do was ride a roller coaster. I've never been on a real coaster before despite many trips to Kings Island in Cincinnati, Ohio, near where I grew up. There were height issues, bad-back issues and of course, size issues. I could never have fit on the rides even if I'd wanted to.

There are so many things my size held me back from. When I was in Ohio in August and Erich and I rode the Ferris wheel at the county fair, I kept thinking to myself 'You know, I stopped riding this thing when I was in high school because I was afraid I'd break it.' It's been hard to get those fears out of my head and enjoy things other people don't think about at all.

My size created a big issue with back pain. In my family, most of us have what we refer to as the "Brannan Back" but my pain was exacerbated due to my weight. And that was another excuse I used to beg off the coasters: 'Oh, I can't get on that thing; my back would go out.' When really, the thing I was most terrified of was getting up there and not being able to fit on the ride. And having to walk past all those people with everyone knowing 'hey - the fat chick couldn't fit on the ride'. As I've said many times, I simply avoided most activities which could lead to humiliating situations.

I had planned to return to Kings Island in August but circumstances beyond my control shot that plan down in flames. I was very disappointed. So when I saw an advertisement for Canada's Wonderland Halloween Haunt I thought AHA!! Two birds with one stone! I can ride a coaster and see cool Halloween stuff! Sign me up!

Erich and I were going to head out there on the 15th but the weather was so great this weekend that we changed our minds, last minute, and went Saturday night. Wonderland is very similar to Kings Island (they and Cedar Point are all owned by the same corporation) so I was pleased as soon as I walked in the gate. We bought tickets for a dinner before the Haunt started so we got in early and headed over to eat. I woke up Saturday morning at 195 lbs., one pound away from my goal weight. I was determined to eat as well as possible at Wonderland (a tall order). The dinner was billed as a buffet, so I figured there had to be maybe some chicken or some other protein and veggies on the menu.

FAIL. We got our plates and well...I kept looking for the food. You know..the *real* food. I got some veggie soup, passed up the salad (yuk) and came to some pasta with meatballs. Ok. I got a couple meatballs (no pasta). Still going. Passed tacos. Passed some pizza. Um...where's the food? Passing french fries. Cold pasta salad. Passing up hamburgers and hot dogs. Surely there is some REAL FREAKIN' FOOD here?? I lifted up a dome on the next station. Empty. An employee behind the buffet told me there was nothing else. The "food" stopped with the hot dogs.

"Really?" I said. "This is it??" She said yes. "Wow," was my reply. Okey dokey then!! I got a burger (what the hell else could I do?) and we sat down to eat. I have to admit that was a really good hamburger. Super good. But I would've preferred some grilled chicken, steak or fish plus broccoli or something. I guess my expectations were too high.

I had to laugh at the situation. Pre-op, I would've filled at least two plates from that "buffet" and raved about how good it was. "My how things have changed," Erich said and yep. Ain't that the truth.

"I just kept looking for the FOOD," I laughed. "Like, that's not real food to me anymore." Too funny. I passed up all my favorite pre-op filler looking for something good to put in my body. Yes, I even passed up the pizza! LOL! That has to be a good sign.

There are a bunch of 'haunted mazes' at the Haunt and since we got in before the park opened to the public we went through the first two virtually alone. It was really cool because we got a lot of personalized attention from the staff of spooks. They pop out at you at designated points through the mazes and follow you around trying to unnerve you. There are also costumed staff roaming around the park trying to freak you out, too. It's totally my kind of place. Love, love, love all that stuff! The mazes were great although we definitely preferred the indoor ones to the outdoor ones. The outdoor ones needed more staff there to scare you, in our opinion.

As we were walking through one of the last mazes, I realized that we hadn't sat down at all unless we were on a ride. Basically, I'd been standing or walking for hours on end and I didn't even notice it. I can't explain to you how freeing that is. To just be able to live your life and not worry about how your body will fail you is incredible.

Thanksgiving is today and I am so grateful for my life now. Losing all this weight has brought so much to me, has given me back things I didn't even realize I was missing. A good friend once told me, after gaining a lot of weight, "Cindy, I can't explain to you all the things that gaining weight has taken from me." I was near the start of my journey then so no, I didn't truly understand what she meant because I was so accustomed to being limited. I had no idea what was in store for me. The things losing weight has given to me are remarkable. I'm only just starting to remember "Oh wait! I can do that now!" It's becoming more and more automatic to say 'yes I can' rather than assume I can't. A work in progress but it's coming along.

Whenever I see this commercial, I think THIS IS ME! :))



I rode four, yes four, roller coasters at Wonderland! That is another whole blog by itself so stay tuned for part two which I will get to you soon, I promise. Another thing I'm so grateful for is all of your support. It means more to me than I can express or tell you. Thank you.

On clothes and shopping

In the past year or so, I've had to do A LOT of shopping. Replacing one's wardrobe a couple of times will force that upon you. Not that I'm complaining. It's all good. 444-pound-girl shopping is quite different from 200-pound-girl shopping as you can imagine. Some things about it were surprising, some expected. But I've learned a few things along the way and thought I'd share them with you.

I realize the fact that I speak of myself with JOY and satisfaction as a 200-pound person might seem a little psycho to most people - especially women - in the world who might be prone to slit their wrists if they woke up tomorrow and weighed 200 pounds. But honestly, 200 pounds is a lot more than I could've hoped for. It's hard to believe I weigh that little. So you have to bear with me and think in relative terms; my 200 pounds is your 120. Ok? Ok.

So if you ever decide to lose a hundred pounds or two, here's what you might expect when it comes to your wardrobe.

- If you can straddle plus and regular sizes, you will have a lot more clothing options available. Again, I know most of you never want to see a plus-size department again in your life and that's completely understandable. But for the rest of us, it can be handy. If an XL is manufactured 'small', I can always move up to a 1X. Or, conversely, I can move down to a large. Women's sizes are all over the place. Pre-op, I mostly wore a 6X but had everything from 5X to 8X in my closet. It's no different now. I have size large to 2X and I can wear them all.

- The XLs go first. I've been at the bigger end of the plus sizes and am now at the bigger end of the 'regular' sizes. And the story is the same. If there's an XL to be had, I better buy it because it won't be there when I go back. I have to dig and hunt for the XLs buried among a vast, mostly ignored avalanche of extra-smalls and smalls with a few mediums thrown in. I used to wade through clearance racks full of 1X and 2X; now it's extra-small and small. Same shit, different day!

- However, don't skip the clearance rack! You might get lucky. I got a pair of my Sweetheart jeans at Old Navy last night for $10. That's right....$10. Size 16, too. And they had 18s! I love Old Navy.

- Don't get so excited over the fact that you can get smaller clothes that you go buy a whole new wardrobe when you still have 100 pounds to lose. Buy a little at a time. You're still going to have to toss things you've only worn a few times because you have to have clothes to wear! But there's no point in getting 10 shirts that you'll only be able to wear for a few months.

- While looking for a coat, I found that mediums were plentiful - XL not so much. Does that mean there are very few mediums out there? Doesn't medium mean, well, medium - as in the "norm"? I don't think there are very many normal women. Or at least, what clothing manufacturers think of as normal. Deep thoughts. Just sayin'.

- Thrift stores are your friend. Seriously, if you have to literally replace everything, don't be skeered. I've found great clothes that look like new. Jeans for $8; shirts for $5. Not to mention the Guess & Chanel handbags I've scored. The used shoes give me the creeps, though. I ain't buying used shoes. ~shivers~

- I'm sick of the cap-sleeve bullshit and I'm sure I'm not alone. Hey designers!! Build a bridge and get over it! Thanks.

- What the hell is up with boots? Supposedly the average American woman is a size 14. Dude, I'm there without the excess skin around my middle. I'm soooo there. I'm maybe even smaller than that. So why can't I find boots to go around my calves??? It makes me bonkers. I really expected to go into any store and get boots this fall. It ain't happening. I'm going to have to order some with wide calves (the ones Erich bought for me are for wide calves). Grrrr....

- So yeah, not everything will fall into place. You may still not be able to wear the clothes you thought you might. Build a bridge and get over it. *saw that on a sign last night and I'm stealing it forever* Be grateful for what you have and let it go.

- Annnnd you will buy things just because you CAN wear it. Doesn't mean you should. There are many things in the plus-size department that fall into this category. Size 5X belly shirts come to mind. (Seriously? Come on...if you're a 5X and wear a belly shirt, you probably deserve to be laughed at. I love you but get real.) With the 'regular-sized' folks, it's more of an age-appropriate question. Oh, I'm guilty. Ripped, sparkly jeans. Acid-washed black & white jeans. Denim jeggings??? Sign me up! Now, I'm 40. I don't need to be wearing that stuff. But I have them in my closet! Inexplicably and wrongly. You know I wore that shit back in the '80s. They say if you're old enough to have worn the trend the first time, you're too old when it comes back around. That's probably true. Well. If I could find a pair of boots to go with the jeggings...(NO. Just no.) I do wear my ripped jeans on weekends, though. Heh.

- Learn when to get rid of your fat clothes. I once pulled a size 5X blouse out of my closet. This was about two months ago. WTF? Why am I holding onto that? Get it the hell out of there. You're not going back. You don't need it. I've gone through all my clothes several times in the past year but somehow that one stayed on the hanger. Odd. Toss it. Build a bridge and get over it.

- But keep a few things just to see where you've been and how far you've come. It's cool to pull on your former favorite items of clothing to see how they now fall off your body. You've worked hard. When we see ourselves every day, it's sometimes hard to remember just how much we've lost. Never forget. This is very important. I have a small bag in my closet with some pre-op clothing I will never part with.

- I find myself thinking about how I will look in something before I buy it (jeggings excepted). That's not something I gave a whole lot of thought to pre-op. I bought it if I could fit into it and I liked it. This is different from thinking about how good you look in an outfit. If I liked the color or pattern of a blouse, I'd buy it even if it made me look washed out or something like that. I find myself drawn to colors I've never worn before. Bending over in a fitting room to see if my butt looks ok in the jeans I'm trying on. LMAO! That one kills me. I did it automatically one day and cracked myself the hell up.

- Which means you will use mirrors now. I hardly ever looked in a mirror pre-op. I knew I looked like crap, there was no need to confirm it. Now I look in a full-length mirror every morning to see everything is ok before I walk out the door. A revelation. Something I never, ever did before. The fit, the way my body looks is now something I pay attention to. And if I don't look my best in it, the chances are I'll go change. It adds time to my morning routine and has made me late for work a couple times! I'm going to try and lay out my clothes the night before and see how that works.

It's a whole new world, I'm telling you. Fun but strange. I think I'm going through a stage now that most women experience when they're 12 or 13. Self-discovery, finding out what works for me. It's a very odd thing.

I gained a couple pounds last week, as expected. Didn't exercise much, didn't eat very well. It's my fault, I know it, and I know why it happened. I do hate being a girl sometimes! LOL! Back on the horse this week though. I'm too close to the brass ring to backslide now.

When life is hard, you have to change

I didn't really know what to write today. I knew I want to; I knew I needed to; but I couldn't think of a real theme. Writer's block I guess. Sometimes I just start writing and it all comes together. That happened this morning, for sure.

I hit a major mini-goal this week! I'm under 200 pounds for the first time since I was 12. It's really odd to see/hear "one-hundred" at the beginning of my weight from my talking scale. She's probably shocked, too. I worked hard for it this week, I ain't gonna lie. I exercised pretty much every day, drank tons of water and watched my sodium and carbs. A four-pound loss feels pretty good and accurate! This is better than the one-pound-a-week crap I was having over the summer. Finally, it feels like my body is back on track.

My goal is a mere five pounds away. What should I do to reward myself, other than the final heart in my tattoo? Erich and I have been thinking about getting a cat for a long time, so we're revisiting that idea. I'd love to have a Russian Blue kitten and another black kitten and watch them grow up together.

There were a few things I didn't get to do over the summer, one of which was going to an amusement park and getting on some rides that I wouldn't have fit onto before. Canada's Wonderland has a Halloween Haunt all during October. This is like the best of both worlds as I am a Halloween freak! Thinking hard about that one. Hmmm. I dunno, but I feel like I want to celebrate in some way.

That Camaro Erich bought for me when I lost 50 percent of my body weight is just about ready for the road. He's been working on it when the weather allows - it's been raining a lot on weekends here, so he's doing the best he can - and I can't wait to drive it.

It sure would be nice to hit my final goal next week. I'm going to continue to do everything that has worked in the past and I guess we'll see what the scale says Friday morning.

Now that everything is kind of winding down, I feel a mix of emotions. Incredible relief that this phase is almost over yet weirdly nostalgic at the same time. It doesn't make much sense to me that I'm almost a little sad that it'll be over soon! What does that mean? I have a strange little brain. Maybe the emotion I feel is just what comes along with an achievement like this. It's a little overwhelming to have one of your life's dreams be so close you can reach out and touch it. It makes me feel like there are other dreams I might be able to accomplish, too. It makes more seem possible.

Something happened to me a couple weeks ago that I posted about on my Facebook page but didn't share here. It was a Friday night and Erich was working so I decided to do something I'd always wanted to do but had never been physically able to.

My city has a pretty lively downtown area. People who live in the area complain about how no one goes there and the high crime levels. I think that's crap. Kitchener's downtown is clean, the storefronts are occupied and there are always people - of all ages - milling around. Most of the American downtown areas I've seen are ghost towns in comparison. I feel totally safe downtown, too.

I'd always passed the little stores downtown - in my car - and thought about how nice it would be to walk up one side of King Street and down the other, winding in and out of all the eclectic shops. There is no way I could've done that pre-op. So when I got off work that Friday, I parked near city hall and started walking. I wasn't disappointed for there are many things down there that you cannot find at the mall or Walmart. And that's a good thing. LOL! So I was having a ball when I came to a store with a curved front; that is, the entrance curved inward from the windows.

As I'm walking down the sidewalk, I see this woman approaching me out of my peripheral vision. I'm looking down, but I can see her legs walking towards me. I'm thinking she's going to go around me, but instead she's heading right for me. I glanced up and saw she wasn't stopping, so I stopped. When I stopped, she stopped. Huh? Oh...it's me. It wasn't till I stopped that I realized I was seeing my reflection in the storefront. Do you have any idea how freaky that is? LOL! I had to take a moment, you know? I looked around and there wasn't anyone else in my immediate line of sight. It was so weird to realize that I don't even recognize myself anymore.

As I near my goal, I think to myself 'am I as new on the inside as I am the outside?' Sure, there are a lot of things about me that have changed. Emotionally, I'm very different from the person who started this journey 19 months ago. How much do I want to allow myself to change, though? It's important to actively participate in positive change. As in all things, balance is key. I don't want to change too much. I liked a lot about who I was when I weighed 444 pounds. And a lot needed to change. I feel like I'm coming out of this whole thing a better version of me.

The title of this blog comes from the Blind Melon song Change . Bo sang it nearly five years ago in Cleveland, Ohio at the House of Blues. His life was changing completely at the time and I believe that's why he chose the song. I watched this again few minutes ago for the first time in a long time and thought I'd share it.

Twelve

Take a look at the 12-year-old girl in the photo below. She's smart, funny, fairly well-adjusted. She's holding her pet kitty - the obsession with cats continues to this day - and squinting into the camera. She hasn't quite figured out what the hell to do with her curly, full-bodied hair and is still fighting nature, brushing it out so it looks a little weird. The green t-shirt she's wearing most likely says 'Jasper Wildcats' on the front, a tribute to her elementary school.



Most people are awkward at 12 and I was no exception. The age of 12 marks a milestone for me, though. I remember stepping on the scale at some point during that year and seeing the weight '203'. I remember because I was shocked to see that I weighed over 200 pounds. I have always been a big girl. Always the tallest, always 'big-boned', even in kindergarten before I got really 'fat'. By the time I was 12, I was at least 5'6" and weighed 203 pounds. You might think this made my life miserable at school. With the exception of a few idiots along the way, I was good. I got along with pretty much everyone in every social strata and got good grades. I remember one boy making a comment to me, loudly, in front of my entire class when I was 12. Most of the other kids pounced on HIM, telling him how rude and awful he was - he didn't understand these people were all my friends. The most vocal in her outrage to him was the most popular girl in class, who is still my friend on Facebook and I love her (even though she is still impossibly beautiful...LOL). You see, it was he who was the outcast, not me. No one laughed with him like he expected. So I was lucky.

But my weight kept going up and up. The number I was so shocked to see at 12 managed to elude me no matter how much I tried to diet back down to it as an adult. I would've loved to have seen '203' again.

I bring all this up because yesterday morning when I stepped on the scale, 28 years later, there it was. "Two-hundred and three pounds" my talking scale squawked back at me.

I started out the week at 215. Oh yes. I had gained one pound before I started the 5-Day Pouch Test I referred to in my last blog, putting me at 210. I started the 'detox' on Monday and weighed myself that night like an idiot. I do know better than to weigh myself at night. But I guess I was too excited to see if that pound I'd gained was gone. Well, slap me silly because I'd gained 5 more. I really wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere and not come back out. WTF?? This had never happened to me since my surgery. Ever.

But.....over the weekend I ate things I probably shouldn't have. Salty things like popcorn, a piece of fried chicken. A few chips with dip. Which is weird because I don't normally eat stuff like that - once in a while, but not all at once. LOL! Maybe subconsciously I was thinking that because I would be so deprived in the coming week that I'd better eat while I can. That's the only way I can explain it.

The pouch test wasn't so bad, really. It was a lot like going back to the newly post-op days. Two days of liquids, one of soft protein (eggs, canned fish, soft fish), one of firm protein (ground meat, salmon), and one of solid protein (white meat poultry, steak). The second day of the liquids was the hardest. I was getting pretty hungry by the end of the day. Protein shakes, Jell-O and cream-based soup just wasn't cutting it. But man alive, I did that for a whole week pre-op so I just kept telling myself to suck it up. I am a strong bitch when I have to be.

The whole point of the pouch test is to train your brain - and that pouch, the ultimate tool in weight-loss maintenance - what to expect at mealtime. It actually firms the pouch up a bit. It worked well for me, I think. I went back to the days when one hard-boiled egg left me feeling very full. I even noticed yesterday, as I went back to 'normal' eating, that I could eat neither as much in volume nor as quickly as I could a week ago. Which is a good thing. I don't want to become too 'normal' when I eat. It's too easy to slip back and before you know it, you've put on 20 pounds. I've heard this so often from other gastric bypass patients. I'm going to try and do anything and everything I can to make sure it doesn't happen to me.

Erich described this plan as sort of a 're-calibration' of the tool. That's pretty accurate. I think I'll use this plan at least once a year, maybe twice, to keep things on track.

I had a few headaches along the way as my body was ridding itself of garbage carbs and excess water. Other than that there were no side effects for me unless you count endless trips to the bathroom! I think this plan got me back on track with my water, which had been lacking for a few of months now. Obviously I needed to flush out my system.

So I lost 12 pounds in the five days I was on the plan. It's hard to describe the state I'm in right now. I was 12 years old the last time I weighed 203 pounds. Very soon, I'll be UNDER 200 pounds! That's incredible to me. And soon after that, I'll be at goal. I'm nine pounds away at this point and am going to start thinking about the design of the final heart that will go at the top of my heart tower tattoo on my back. For those who may not know, I have four hearts tattooed on my upper back leading up towards my neck. One heart for every 50 pounds lost. The goal is to lose 250 pounds and I'm almost ready for the fifth and final heart.

Erich and I stopped in yesterday to see Tim (the tattoo guy) and possibly make an appointment. It's tough to get in to see him on weekends, which is the only time I can go. Tim doesn't work nights and I would want him and him alone to do any tattoo I might get. He said not to worry about an appointment, that when I hit the goal, call him and he'll do the tattoo, even if he has to stay late or whatever he has to do to fit me in. Awesome. Love that guy.

Starting weight: 444
Present weight: 203
Pounds to goal: 9

And away we go.

Fall into place

Fall is just the best. It's always been my favorite time of the year. Usually that's because the hot, humid days of summer are over and I can finally be outside and breathe at the same time again. I was wondering if the same would hold true this year or if I had turned into one of those women screeching about being cold as soon as the thermometer dipped below 85 degrees. Well, I do get cold easier now but I still love the chill in the air...as long as I have a sweater. I went for a long walk on Friday and yesterday just to enjoy the cooler weather. When fall hits, I want to be outside all the time.

For so many people, spring is the season of new beginnings but it's always been fall for me. (I find the word autumn a bit pretentious so I go with fall...sorry.) Fall means comfortable weather, new TV seasons (Dexter, Survivor, Sons of Anarchy, Weeds, The Biggest Loser, Glee, Modern Family, The Tudors, Vampire Diaries and...and..and Dancing with the Stars - OH MY!), kids going back to school, FOOTBALL SEASON, etc. All sorts of my favorite things begin in the fall. PLUS...and here's a biggie....HALLOWEEN is on its way! I'm already thinking about costumes. Heh.

Speaking of costumes. Last winter, Erich bought me some boots on ebay. Mid-calf, three-inch-heeled boots. I haven't had boots since grade school due to the whole calf-like-a-rhinoceros thing so I have been really looking forward to wearing them again now that I'm pretty much the same weight as when I was 12. But last winter, I still couldn't get these boots zipped up my calf. So I put them away thinking maybe they'd work this year. Well, they do. I tried them on the other day and Erich's eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. LOL! I told the man when he was looking for the boots last winter - NO HEELS. Cindy does not wear heels. We soon found out why. I was a broken ankle waiting to happen. Couldn't stand, couldn't walk. My balance is crap even when I'm not on stilts. But it was great that I could actually wear them, so we snapped a few pictures. The second one is me damn near falling over - third one is me being a badass. Oh yeah. (Click to enlarge):




It was fun to be silly for a minute. I haven't been doing too well emotionally lately and it's showing on the scale. The stress at home and at work has me worn down. My response to stress has always been to eat too much. Intellectually, I know I need to find a way to get around that but it's tough. An ongoing process. I don't keep crap in the house now so that helps. And truly, I don't want to stuff my face anymore. It's just gross to me, post-op. But the occasional unnecessary snack coupled with very little desire to exercise means no weight loss. I also think my body is trying to settle into maintenance, which pisses me off. I mean, evidently I can maintain doing what I'm doing now which is good - it means I won't have to live like a Food Nun - but I still want to lose weight.

I've had a few people (including Erich) offer up the explanation that the last 15 pounds I'm trying to get off could very possibly be excess skin. I could already be at my goal, technically. And I suppose that's true. Lord knows I need a total body lift at this point plus a tummy tuck, boob job and I'm pretty sure I'm one of the few 40-year-olds in the world who needs a facelift. So there's a lot of skin that could come off.

My body is becoming complacent with my routine. So I'm going to give it a little shock and hopefully push the restart button on my weight loss. Fall seems the perfect time. Starting tomorrow and for the next 5 days afterward, I'm going on a sort of 'detox' for gastric bypass patients. It takes you back to the early days right after surgery and re-trains your pouch and, hopefully your brain, what to expect at mealtime. A fellow patient did this plan at about the same point in her journey that I am now and it worked very well for her. I'm going to see what it does for me before I post a link to the plan and recommend it to you all, dear readers. Don't worry, it's not like I'll be slurping cayenne pepper and maple syrup or something (really - that's pretty gross and disturbing). I can eat as much as I like of the things that are on the plan. I will let you all know how it goes.

Anticipation is makin' me late

I've been impatient all my life. It's just another one of my many flaws, I suppose! I don't like waiting for anything. I used to hate waiting in line, but I think that had more to do with not being able to physically stand there than anything else. Still...I'm not one for waiting.

So this last 15 pounds or so is driving me nuts with the way it's coming off so slowly! Seriously. I know so-called 'normal, healthy weight loss' is supposed to be one to two pounds a week. But it's killing me. Now I'm not perfect. I eat some things I probably shouldn't and have been known to skip the gym occasionally. If I went all Navy Seal on my body, I could lose it faster. I'm trying to settle into a manageable, lifelong routine of eating and moving - something I can live with forever. I understand that means the weight loss will slow down. That doesn't mean I like it! LOL!

I've had a lot of stress in my life this past week so the Food Brat part of my personality emerged somewhat. Man, sometimes your kids just kill your soul, you know? The disappointment is physically hurtful. Nothing you can do about it. I feel worse for Erich than myself but it is what it is.

I have particular trouble with late-night snacking. I think it's boredom compounded with stress. I need to find other outlets for that time period around 10 p.m. where I think 'Ho-hum, guess I'll have a handful of peanuts' and I'm not even hungry. Now I've said before that I don't believe in cut-off times for eating. If it's 11 p.m. and I'm hungry, I will eat something. The clock doesn't rule my life. But I gotta get rid of the Food Brat. However, when I do snack, I try to make good choices so that's probably what's saving my ass from gaining.

I've lost two pounds this week. On Friday, I was down one and this morning I weighed myself again (I always do before I blog) and was down one more. So I weigh 209 now, 13 pounds to goal. It's so close I can taste it. And I do not want to wait another 13 freakin' weeks to get there. Impatience.

But here's the really weird part. It doesn't seem to matter what I do. I can have a Food Brat week and lose two or three pounds. Then I can be very vigilant about my diet and workouts and lose one. It's really enough to drive a person nuts. My surgeon, Dr. Genaw, told me when I last saw him that varying your caloric intake is good for your metabolism. So maybe - every now and then - having something to eat out of the norm is good for you. Do not go all KFC or Pizza Hut on your diet, but small changes. When I told him my intake varied from 1100-1400 a day, he said that was good as long as I watched that 1400 number, didn't go much higher than that and only occasionally. And I know my trainer told me not to do the same workouts all the time because your body gets used to it and will not respond after a while. I know from experience that is true. I need to switch things up to keep my body guessing.

I have to watch my impatience because that in and of itself can cause stress which brings out the Food Brat and the wheels on the bus go round and round. This week my goal is to find ways to beat back the brat by combating boredom and stress. Wish me luck.

Memories

I was thinking the other day about memories. Not the kind that are warm & fuzzy, but the kind you think back on and never want to repeat. Memories about the way life used to be for me before I had this surgery. Some might say the life I had pre-op is better left to the ash heap but I feel it's good to keep certain things in mind so when I want to reach for that second Timbit (which, I've decided, are the devil's candy), it's easier to say no.

When choosing this apartment, I had to consider the stairs of the building. Did I want to climb up a flight (or two) or go down a flight? This would determine what floor we lived on. So that's why we have a basement apartment. Not as bad as it sounds - it's really quite nice with tons of large windows. However, I'd love to have a balcony. But that would've meant climbing stairs or living in a more expensive building with an elevator. No balcony for Cindy. Now, when I'm home and want to leave, of course I still have to go up a flight but better that than carrying groceries up some stairs, right?

Carrying groceries. Um yeah. I hardly ever did that. Anything that had to be hauled out of the car was Erich's job. I usually stumbled in the door and collapsed on the couch for about an hour after we went anywhere. I was usually hot, in pain and completely exhausted. I've seen him make 5 or 6 trips to the car to bring stuff in, especially after we'd been on vacation or something. I always felt guilty about that but there was no way I could help him. Now I beat him back and forth to the car, trotting up and down that flight of stairs like it's nothing.

I sit in the bath now and run my hands along the water at my sides and remember when my ass made a pretty good Hoover Dam-like stopper. I remember 20 years ago shopping for a trailer with my ex-husband and one of the main selling points of the eventual winner was the 'garden' tub in the master bathroom. It was about 1-1/2 times as wide as a normal tub - SOLD! I do love my baths. Now the size of the tub really doesn't matter. Even hotel tubs work. This may seem like a small thing, but it's a big deal to me. Also, getting out of the tub used to involve mechanics better reserved for four-point parallel parking. Roll to the side..stop. Grab side of tub and hoist body up on one knee...stop. Count to three then liiiiffffttt!!!...stop. Stand there a second to re-gain balance...stop. Now I simply...get up. Stop.

'Shopping' used to mean two stores. And usually for bottoms only. It was a rare circumstance when I could find a top to fit me anywhere, in any store, plus size or not. Can you imagine what it feels like to try on a 6X - knowing that is the biggest size in any store you can get to - and it doesn't fit? I hoarded clothes. I had shirts in my closet that were more than 10 years old. I wore them long after they should've been thrown out due to wear and tear or style. I never knew where my next shirt was coming from. My mother-in-law made a lot of stuff for me, thank GOD, but I couldn't just go out and get something new. Ever. Now there are things in my closet less than a year - even 6 months - old and I'm having to get rid of them because they're too big. It's a little traumatic for me. I hate to part with my clothes; it's a psychological thing, I guess. I need to remember that I can wear things in any store now. I can always go get more clothes.

I remember when I longed to be invisible. It's an odd thing that the bigger you are, the more people try their best to ignore you and the more you WANT them to do just that because attention you do receive is likely to be condescending or insulting. I don't mind bright colours or tighter clothes now. I don't need or want to hide. I will get on the dance floor, I will walk right past a pack of teenage boys, I will look people in the eye and smile at them. All without fearing being laughed at. It's a work in progress but I'm getting there. Just yesterday I walked past a group of teenagers laughing and talking and didn't have any paranoia that they were laughing at me. That's a good feeling.

I could go on and on and on but you get the idea. I never could've imagined life this way. I've mentioned this word before but it's just freedom. Freedom from fear, really. Fear eats at you till you obey its every whim without a second thought. Letting go of the fucking fear is so hard. People look at me differently now and sometimes I wonder why; that's the old fear creeping in. Don't wonder - just live your life! This is how normal, happy people live. I tell myself 'remember the way life used to be and resolve never to go back'. Sweeping Cindy, right? Out with the old and in with the new.

Now onto lighter subjects. There's a link in the left-hand column to a fantastic blog I visit frequently. The World According to Eggface is very helpful to post-ops. She just gave her blog a facelift and is having a contest to celebrate! She's giving away a variety pack of Torani syrups. These syrups are way cool and very handy to have in the post-op world. They're difficult for Canadians to get our hands on, though, and I usually import them when I got home to Ohio. So, I'm entering. Fellow readers, especially my gastric bypass patient readers, check out Eggface and leave a comment on her contest blog to enter.

I'm gonna post her snazzy new button thingy just because she asked:

My life lately

I've lost five pounds in the past couple weeks. For me, this is progress. The weight is coming off verrrryyyy slooowwwly at this point. I'm trying to step it up, mix it up and see what happens. I have been told that your body knows when you've lost enough and will settle into a goal weight of its own choosing. Oh yeah? Well, I'm not done yet. I'm the boss here!

No one has ever mentioned a goal weight to me. Not my family doctor and not anyone at Henry Ford Hospital. I believe there was a conscious effort to just get me to LOSE WEIGHT without obsessing about specific numbers. The losing-250-pounds thing is all me, all my goal. My BMI will still be too high when I get there - still in the 'obese' range. I know that weighing 194 pounds is still 'too much' according to every insurance chart on earth. And I really don't care. I did some figuring and it seems I need to get down to 170 to be on the HIGH end of 'normal'. Well, um...I don't think that's realistic. I would look pretty freakin' skeletal at 170 (remember, I weigh 212 right now). I have no desire to bust my ass fitting some sort of proper mold. I've never been normal before so why bother at this point? This is about as normal as it gets, I think. LOL!

I made a decision a couple weeks ago. Magazines are taking over my life, dude. I once wrote a My Space blog about my obsession with magazines. I don't have time to read actual books anymore! And we won't even go into the expense. So they gotta go. I'm not going cold turkey because there's no way I'm on this planet without People magazine (shut up), but most of them are history. Got two new books recently - Shakespeare Undead and The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner: An Eclipse Novella (Twilight Saga). Plus I have several more sitting on a shelf that I need to get to. This is all about the new me, I think. Sweeping Cindy - out with the old and in with the new. I can't take the clutter anymore.

I went to the gym on Tuesday and got invited out to coffee. Trouble was, I think she was interested in more than coffee. Ok. I KNOW she was. And yes, she was a she. I go to a women-only gym. Color me shocked! That's a new one. I've seen her there many times but of course my mind never went there. I guess hers did. LOL! WTF? Is there something about me that screams 'lesbian'? I can't figure out why she would proposition me but I have to admit it was flattering. I told her I was married...to a guy...(I specified because gay marriage is legal here) and she went on her way. I told her I was sorry and she said 'No, I'm the one who's sorry. But we can be friends, right?' I said 'sure' and that was it. Odd as a cod, I'm telling you. I'm still not used to men looking at me differently now, let alone a WOMAN making a pass at me. My husband was terribly amused by all of this, as were my male co-workers.

I'm loving Eminem's comeback. I've always absolutely loved him and am sooooo happy to see the success of his new CD, 'Recovery'. Say what you want about him, he's honest. Erich and I are huge fans - he's on my concert wish list. I don't know which current chart hit I like better - 'Not Afraid' or his duet with Rihanna - 'Love the Way You Lie', which must feel like a very personal song to her. Fantastic stuff.

Halloween is about 2-1/2 months away and I'm already so looking forward to it, I can't even explain it! It's always been my favorite holiday but I haven't been able to dress up the way I want to since I was a child out trick-or-treating. This year, I'm going to walk into a store and pick out a cute costume that will fit me just fine. I'm just freakin' STOKED about being able to do that. Last year, I still couldn't wear the plus-sized ones in stores but I was able to order one online (which I'd never been able to do before). I was happy with that costume but hey...it's something else to walk in and pick something out off the rack. Totally can't wait. I'll be doing the time warp with a grin on my face.

So that's all the stuff falling out of my brain this morning. Eighteen more pounds to go till I reach my goal. It really feels within reach and it's exciting.

Food brat

Are you a food brat? Do you do the mental equivalent of crossing your arms, pouting and whining "But I waaaannnt it!!!" You, too?

Pre-op, I had no limits. If I wanted it and it was in front of me, I ate it. I didn't give much thought to the calories, fat, salt, or sugar in anything I ate. I ate as much as I wanted, whenever I liked - whatever I liked. Think about how crazy that is for a minute. There is precious little that it is ok to have in limitless quantities. There's love. Um, that's about it. And even too much of that can make you just as uncomfortable as inhaling an entire pie or pizza.

Now, it has become second nature to me to read food labels and pay attention to what I put in my mouth. I find myself saying things like "I'm not drinking my calories." or "No bread; it fills me up too much and doesn't leave room for protein."

Erich, my stepdaughter Ericha and I spent the past week in Ohio visiting my family. It never fails - when I go home I eat more. I'm not sure if it's because I'm so comfortable, I get bored without my usual routine, the food choices found there that aren't here, or what it is but it's a pattern I'm noticing the last few times I've been back to Ohio. I tend to snack there, which I don't do much of here. I notice it even when I'm not in Ohio but just on vacation in general. I suppose that's normal for most people but I don't like it and am determined not to let my inner food brat emerge.

I was eating a third handful of cheese doodles at my friend Paris's house on Saturday when it hit me. What the hell??? I'm not hungry. So why am I eating? And something that's total junk, too. I'd been doing similar stuff all week. A cookie here, some chips there. Just because I wanted it? Not a good enough reason. Grow up, Cindy.

The quest for food maturity. Ah yes. That is the goal that must be reached to maintain weight loss. The ability to recognize the difference between want and need. And making the right choices - the ones that will best fuel my body. There is no taking a vacation from being good to yourself.

I'm not saying become a food NAZI. Just strive to do better. Perfection is overrated. That's my theory, anyway. Who needs the ulcer?

I had a wonderful time in the States. My brother didn't recognize me, which was a total hoot. He came into the family reunion, sat down with his family, and after 20 minutes he turned to his wife and said "Where's Cindy?" She pointed at me at the other end of the table and said "She's right there." My brother was quite embarrassed and I'm sure this will be the stuff of family legend for years to come.

It was a relaxing time. Shopping, catching up with old friends and family. That sort of thing. I bought a size-16 pair of jeans at Old Navy - that's the smallest yet. I took an 18 and 20 into the fitting room, came back out and told Erich "They're both too big." I can't keep up sometimes.

The three of us went to the county fair one day and I rode the 'big' rides they had. It was quite a shock because I haven't been on anything like that for a good 15-20 years. But I wanted to do it because I could fit on them. I ventured onto the last one by myself, even.

At the end of the week, we drove to Niagara Falls, New York for a Bo show at the Seneca Falls Casino. What an amazing show! It was Ericha's first time seeing him and man, it was a good one. She really enjoyed herself. We met with him afterwards and she said to me later "I couldn't talk to him. I felt like I was gonna cry for some reason." I just smiled, nodded and said "Welcome to our world." She had fun hanging with all my Bo friends, too. It was good to share that with her. Bo was his sweet self, telling me I "looked beautiful" and "very healthy." Erich forgot his Bo Bice ballcap at home and jokingly apologized to Bo (who had already complimented his CSI cap...LOL). Bo just grinned and said it was ok, he'd see him again. And he will! LOL! I told him Ericha was my daughter and he said "This is your daughter?" then complimented her pink hair. Actually, everywhere we went all week, she got stopped and complimented on her hair. I love it myself and am thinking of some pink highlights or something. Heh.

After sending Ericha back across the border to her mom, Erich and I headed over to Rochester and the Paris Hilton (NY Division). The next day we traveled to Watkins Glen, NY for yet another Bo concert at a NASCAR event. I'm sure Bo was like a giddy little boy for this venue as he is a huge NASCAR fan. Me, not so much. LOL! Lots of walking for that one, plus standing for the entire show; it would've done me in before. No meet and greet afterwards but I did get a wink and a smile as he went onstage. It was a good weekend with wonderful friends and great music.

Despite being a bit of a food brat over the past week, I managed to lose three pounds. So I'm at 214 - 230 lbs. lost, 20 more to go. It's going too slowly. I'm getting set to work my ass off for these last 20 pounds.

Some pics from my summer vacation - the first one there is me with my mother. As always, click to enlarge.