Who I am

I've been looking back at photographs tonight and thinking about what I've done and who I've become by getting here. So many people tell me I'm different inside as well as outside.

Who am I now, after the journey from there:


to here?


I am happy. What does happy mean? People tell me I am optimistic now in a way I wasn't before all of this. That I smile more; there is a weight lifted from me emotionally. I think a lot of this has to do with simply feeling better physically. Being more active makes you feel better. All my co-morbidities (diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea) are gone and I am more energetic. I can sleep at night! I can think more clearly and my body doesn't betray me anymore. All of this would improve anyone's mood. LOL! There's also a self-awareness that has come along with weight loss. Which brings me to the following:

I am strong - physically and emotionally. I understand my own depth now. Some of that comes with age. When I was younger, I was "the tough one", not one to cry easily. But real strength comes from not being afraid to show people how you feel. Erich gets a lot of credit here, too. He makes me feel secure and loved. With emotional awareness and strength comes physical prowess. The perfect storm for finding the power within yourself to change. It's all mind over matter (well, most of it is, anyway).

I am fearless. There's the ziplining and the roller coasters and stuff, sure. But it's more than that. Losing this weight has taught me that I can do just about anything so why not try it? I'm like a child wanting to push the envelope and try, do anything I can. I have very little fear of anything these days.

I am free. The physical and emotional baggage that comes with 250 extra pounds can't be overstated. Being obese my whole life did something to my soul, tethering me to doubt and grief. I was grieving for a life I didn't even know was out there; held back and not realizing it. Is there anything worse than confinement in a prison of your own making?? It means you and you alone are responsible for your liberation. It took me a long time to understand that. I'm still frustrated in other areas of my life because of this one truth; but I'll get there. I'll make changes one at a time. I'll do it because I am worth it!

I am honest. You must be truthful with yourself. Don't kid yourself and think you can skip a week or two of workouts (been there, done that). Don't kid yourself and think you can have the bag of potato chips and not pay for it later. This has carried itself into other areas of my life. Truth is kind. It is your friend, even though you may not always see it that way at first. It makes you happy, strong, fearless and free. That's it.

So much has happened in the past couple of years. I may not be the best person to give advice but what the hell, here it is, paraphrasing a wise quote from Dr. Phil (oh, yes...THAT Dr. Phil): The only thing worse than being in an abusive relationship for 10 years, or however long, is being in that relationship for 10 years and one day. I was in an abusive relationship with myself. Make the change NOW. I wish I'd done it decades ago, but I can't think about all that's lost. All I can do is move forward. And seriously...you can, too.