Monday, December 10, 2012

Here's a tip for ya

'Tis the season to be inundated with "helpful" tips to keeping your waistline trim while you navigate your way through office parties, get-togethers with friends and celebrations with family. Here are my thoughts on this, likely to be controversial.

Isn't there enough to stress out about? Enjoy yourself a little bit. Why in the world would you have half an apple and a full glass of ice water (cold water revs up your metabolism; water fills you up; apples are loaded with water) at Aunt Mabel's house rather than enjoy a small slice of her homemade pie or shortbread? Honest to god, I don't get it.

I recently read that the average person gains one pound over the holidays. And even if you gain two or *gasp*...three, so freakin' what? Your routine will return to normal in January and it'll come off. Just live your life.

Have a cookie. Not the whole tin. Done.

And if you're one of those people who can't have one because one starts an avalanche, well, ok. But for most of us, we can live with it. I believe moderation is the key to living without deprivation. I don't believe you need to give up mashed potatoes or the occasional piece of pumpkin pie to have success. Relax and enjoy the holidays!

Now, off topic, if you don't follow Tony Posnanski, The Anti-Jared, you should. Especially on Facebook. His posts are awesome. Tony lost over 200 pounds and knows what he's talking about. Listen to him and get inspired.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Fear and loathing

What are we afraid of?

I'm not talking about things like ghosts, spiders or heights. I'm talking about what it is we think will happen if we go for what we want. What's stopping us? What's stopping you? What's stopping me?

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. Making excuses for not having what we want...that is a form of self-flagellation, isn't it?

I don't have time.
I need to do 1), 2) and 3) first.
I don't possess the skills to have it.
Who do I think I am to want it?
What will people think?
What makes me think I can do it?
I don't deserve it.
I can't do it.

So we get into the cycle of desire, sabotage of procrastination, self-hatred for not achieving and finally acceptance of defeat. I know I've gone through this my whole life. While there have been times I've made some very big, outside-the-box decisions that have worked out well for me, I still lack the self-esteem in some areas that keeps me from having what I really want. By now, I should know and understand my abilities. But a lot of times I don't, and I know I'm not alone.

Why is that? It's like some of us are afraid of success. What do we think will happen if we succeed? Why is it scary?

I get angry at myself for doing this, which often makes things much worse. Anger turned inward is depression. Anger itself isn't a bad thing; it's just energy. But energy needs to be focused in a way that is useful to us. What would happen if we turned that energy on itself, channeling it into a way that can help us achieve what we want, what we deserve? If we do that, depression has no choice but to make room for comfort, complacency....success and happiness.

Happiness, my friends, is subconsciously terrifying for some. We all say we want it, but we put barriers between ourselves and that "goal" allll the time. Is it because we think if we achieve happiness, there will be nothing left to strive for? But there is always more. Always something new to keep us going. I think it has more to do with how we feel about ourselves. And we need to change that mindset to ever feel settled and satisfied.

Practice being good to yourself and searching for ways to direct anger, guilt and self-loathing into more positive pursuits. Think about what will make you happy. Why can't you have this? You know you can. Of course you can! Think of someone else who has what you want. They're no more deserving (often less so) than you are.

I'll try to remember my motto if you will: I am stronger than I think I am.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

The 10K Route

You all know my motto is "You are stronger than you think you are." The reason I tell myself this all the time - and ask you to do the same - is it's true. My body continually surprises me with what it can do.

My 10K was this past Sunday and well, I did great! Smashed my goal of 1:45 and really proved to myself that when I want to, I can achieve a lot more than I think.

Chip time (each bib was outfitted with a timer): 1:35:09
Place: 123 (out of 262 entrants, 227 finishers)
Gender place: 84 (out of 167 female finishers)

This isn't bad, in my opinion, in a race that featured competitive walkers. It was also my first attempt at a 10K. I'm pretty pleased with these results. My only complaint was the timer at the finish line seemed to be off. When I crossed the finish line, the time I saw said 1:30:21. I was REALLY happy about that! So when I saw the chip times posted, I was a little disappointed. Still a good time, but not what I'd originally thought.

When Erich and I picked up my race kit the day before the race, they took one look at me and said "You might want the 2X. The shirts are fitting small." Excuse me? LOL! I registered for the women's XL and the guy was right; I ended up with a men's 2X, not the women's 2X (which is smaller). These were the tiniest, tightest, most unflattering shirts I've ever seen in my life. Like they wanted us to channel Lance Armstrong or something, in his yellow Tour de France jersey. Here's me before the race (ignore the desperate need for a tummy tuck):


It was cold on race day but the sun was shining. No rain, as was forecast. I swear....you'd think that as time goes on, advancing technology would enable weather forecasting to be more and more accurate. Erich and I both think the opposite is happening. You can truly have no faith in the forecast. Just wait and look outside. Don't make plans based on what the weather guy says!

The course was very hilly. After about the 4th hill, I grumbled "Jesus, who mapped this course out??" All I kept thinking was I had to do it all over again because the 10K was essentially two loops of the 5K.

Halfway point:


It took me 45 minutes to get to this point. To put that in perspective, it took me 47 minutes to do the Father's Day 5K in June...and I jogged for some of that. WTF? I was seriously surprised at my time. But I didn't think I could keep up the pace because of those hills.

But I did! Well, pretty much, anyway! I don't mind saying I was really proud of myself. As I crossed the finish line and they put that medal around my neck, I could see Erich there with the camera pointed at me, huge smile on his face. I went straight to him and got my hug & kiss. My husband rocks.

Finish line:


Red face, as usual:


My knees held up fine during the race, but it was a different story when I got home and the next day. I was pretty sore. Lots of ice and Tylenol Arthritis. Sunday night, I went to my coffee meeting that I wrote about in my last blog. I nearly fell asleep and had to leave early. Wiped out!

But by Tuesday, I was pretty much back to normal. My body bounces back quickly now and again...I am stronger than I think I am. It's very important to push yourself because trust me, you are capable of a lot if you just believe.

Our brains tell us lies, and if we listen, we cost ourselves surprises. - Andrew Zimmern

I have another 5K this Sunday, the CIBC Run for the Cure, an event that benefits the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation. I did it last year and I have no doubt that I'll beat my time. Forecast is for rain and cold again. Suuureeeee. We'll see!


Saturday, September 22, 2012

Final countdown

Tomorrow, I'll participate in my first 10K "race", Minds in Motion KW Walking Classic, a competitive walk that funds good shoes for people using exercise to recover from mental illness.

I feel ready for it. I've been training for eight weeks and while I have by no means been perfect, I've stuck to the schedule pretty well. My knees are "meh"....they're ok but it is what it is. For some reason, my right ankle started feeling wonky yesterday. So whatever that's all about. We'll see how it goes. But all in all, I'm feeling good about it.

The race starts at 9am. My poor husband will go with me at what is, for him, an UNGODLY early hour. He will wait for me in the cold and rain (yes, that is the weather forecast) all so he can take a picture of me crossing the finish line, give me a big hug and kiss, and tell me how proud he is of me. Pretty special.

So cross your fingers and toes for me that all goes well! I'm pretty excited!

Then next weekend, I will participate in my second CIBC Run for the Cure, a 5K event that benefits the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation. I did the event last year. It was my first such undertaking and took me a little over an hour to finish. I injured my knee the night before so I always wondered if that had anything to do with what I considered a slow time. Next week, I'll find out for sure. It took me 45 minutes to do the Father's Day 5K, so I know I can do better than an hour.

It took me just under two hours to complete the dry run of the 10K that I did a couple Saturdays ago. Walking, mind you, no running allowed. People who run in the KW Walking Classic get disqualified, so I've been really trying to curb my desire to at least trot when the music on my mp3 player gets me going. So walking and stopping for crosswalks, traffic, strollers and dogs (not allowed on the route Sunday). I'm hoping to slash that two hours by at least 10 minutes.

In other news, I've been meaning to write a little about a new, local support group I joined. It's a very simple, casual group of people in various stages of their weight loss-surgery journeys getting together for coffee and our crazy version of fellowship. I gotta tell ya, I love these people. I haven't met one yet that I wouldn't want to take a road trip with!

The local support group is part of a larger network called the Community of Bariatric Patients of Southern Ontario. An overnight meet-and-greet is being held in Sarnia next month so everyone can get to know each other even better. I'd love to tell you I was attending but I'm not. Too short notice, most people have roommates already and it's too close to Halloween! I can't miss our annual viewing of "Rocky Horror Picture Show". LOL! Next year.

If there's a single regret I have about getting my surgery in Detroit instead of Ontario, it's that I missed out on things like this. I should've been with these people for 3 years, not 3 months. But oh well. I know about it now and I'm all in! As I've said many times before, support is so important.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

The big week!

First off, be sure to tune in to the premiere episode of The Ricki Lake Show tomorrow, Monday, September 10, to check out the segment featuring Michelle Vicari - better known as the brains behind The World According to Eggface. I've featured her link on my blog since the beginning. She has helped so many people with her fabulous (!!) recipes and support. Now it's time to support her - and ALL of us!. First Beth on Nightline and now this. Good stuff.

Pretty big week coming up! Three concerts lined up. Madonna at the Air Canada Centre in Toronto on Wednesday; Loretta Lynn here in Kitchener at Centre in the Square on Thursday; then a quick overnighter to Flat Rock, Michigan with a few friends to see Bo (as in Bice. Are you paying attention?). Erich isn't going with me this time because I need to do this as cheaply as possible. He understands Bo is good for my soul and it will do me a world of good to see him and all my friends. I've seen Madonna once before but hey...it's Madonna! Very psyched about that! I grew up listening to Loretta Lynn. My mother's family is from southern Kentucky and I feel a certain kinship with her. I've lost count of the times I've seen "Coal Miner's Daughter". Her people are like my people. Seeing her is a bucket-list thing. Can't wait.

"Sons of Anarchy" season premier Tuesday. What, you don't watch that? Are you crazy? Here's a good reason why you should start. Happy viewing (click to enlarge):


Yesterday, as part of my 10K training, I did a dry run of the "race". Lately, I've been walking a lot outside because - one - I'd probably slit my wrists if I had to do more than a 5K on a treadmill and - two - the event will be outside so it's best to get acclimated to that environment. Twice I forgot to put on sunscreen and came home pretty tomato-y. I am a very white Irish girl and will redden after about 15 minutes in direct sunlight. Maybe I'm also a vampire. Who Knows What, right?

Anyway...no sunscreen needed yesterday! It was very dark and gloomy. And COLD! Windy! That sort of weather aggravates my knee arthritis and makes my head pound with sinus pressure. Did you hear that whining? Yeah, that was me. I loaded up on some drugs, put on a hooded windbreaker and went on my way. I did get rained on but it was all good. About 3/4 the way through it, the sun came out and it warmed up. And I did something new that I forgot I was able to.

I took off my jacket and tied the arms around my waist so I wouldn't have to carry it.

Now, if you've never been obese, you are probably thinking "So what?" Well, that's something morbidly obese people don't do. Because they can't. Personally, I haven't been able to do that since...elementary school, maybe? I don't know. I just know that whenever one of my friends tied a jacket around his or her waist, I slung mine over my forearm and wished I could do that. And yesterday, it took me a second before I realized I probably could now, and tried it. Such a small victory but it definitely made me smile and feel "normal".

In a cardiovascular sense, the 10K is not that tough. In a knee-and-lower-back pain sense, it's not. A visit to the chiropractor is in order before I do this for real. And even my knee braces didn't protect me from the need to ice them down this morning. The morning after...that's when the shit gets real, right? Yeah, I'm pretty sore this morning. Again with the drugs. But it's all good.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Who Says You Can't Go Home?

Ok, so I've been really busy lately and learning things about me more and more. I consistently underestimate myself, even though I'm the same person who lost 250 pounds and completely changed my life. That, all by itself, should let me know that I am capable of pretty much anything.

During the first week of August, I went home to Ohio for a week-long visit with my parents and old friends. Maybe I am truly blessed but I am someone who can always go home:



The week started off with a family reunion, continued with fabulous lunches, coffees, shopping and dinners with old friends. My days were busy with activity and my nights were spent chilling out at the house with my parents. It was a good trip, just what I need every time I make it. Here's a photo of my parents and me, right before we left to come back to Ontario (click to enlarge):



We took only one day trip to Serpent Mount, the largest prehistoric effigy mound in the world...conveniently located about 20 minutes from my parents' house. Erich has seen the mound featured on television specials on the Sci-Fi and History Channel and always wanted to go there but for some reason, we never got around to it. This year, we did. I hadn't been there myself since a grade-school field trip. It was a pretty cool place and definitely worth the trip. While there, we climbed the observation tower to have a look at the mound from above. As I ascended the stairs, I couldn't help but think this was yet another thing I would never have attempted pre-op. We had someone else up there take our photo (click to enlarge):



I continued my 10K training in Ohio - as I mentioned in my last blog, the local YMCA offered me a free guest membership while I was there. The facilities were very good and made it easy for me to get my workouts in. I would get up and go in the morning, before Erich woke up and we started our day.

Of course, one of the perks of crossing the border is getting all the goodies that aren't available here, especially to those of us who have had gastric bypass surgery. The sugar-free syrups to put in our protein shakes, the MUCH larger varieties of low-fat and sugar-free food...and the much lower prices of things that can be found here. Everyone...EVERYONE...loads up on supplies when in the States. Here's my haul:



A variety box of low-sugar oatmeal! Cool flavours of protein bars and Mio! Torani syrup AND...I found sugar-free syrups at Ollie's and the dollar store for....wait for it...ONE DOLLAR. And yes, they were sweetened with Splenda. I would've bought an entire case if they would've had it. OMG. I was so happy. LOL! That big bottle of sugar-free maple syrup there in the middle? That costs less than a bottle almost half its size here. I had my dad order high-dosage calcium supplements from GNC; not available in Canada. Nice haul.

Right after I came back, I had to get super focused at work because my supervisor was going on vacation for two weeks. We are the only two people left in my department so that meant I was alone. For two weeks, running the whole show by myself. I don't mind telling you I was pretty worried about this. There's a reason he's my supervisor and gets paid more than me - he does things I never do. And to be frank, I'm not too interested in learning the things he does without the bump in pay that should rightfully come with it. But I had no choice. I dread letting people down. I dread not rising to the occasion. Like most people, I think, but my drama-queen nature creates/amplifies crises on a regular basis. But I think I did a pretty good job, all in all. I didn't kill anyone so that's a plus. Seriously, I was fine about 95% of the time. I shake my head at myself...I really am a much more capable person than I realize.

You all are more capable than you realize. I sometimes need to be reminded of my own motto: You are stronger than you think you are. For sure!

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Let the games begin!

So as I reported a couple of weeks ago, I signed up for a walking 10K to celebrate my re-birthday. The Minds in Motion website includes helpful training schedules for their races; I just completed week one and am proud to say that I not only lived through it but I thoroughly enjoyed it!

Getting back into the gym at least 4 days a week has been really good for me. I had been walking/jogging a lot outside but during the heatwave, well, I did pretty much nothing. Having this schedule in front of me and knowing I need to adhere to it in order to complete the 10K safely and efficiently, helps (click to enlarge).



The race isn't until September 23, so I didn't need to start training until tomorrow but I figured I'd go ahead - I was pretty excited to start, actually! I'm a very visual person and I love seeing this schedule. I can see me doing many more events like this with a goal in mind and a clear path to getting there.

Since I'm American, my copy of the schedule has a little key written off to the left side with the mile equivalent of the kilometers! And - you might be surprised to hear this - I've never been on a treadmill here that had a kilometer feature. They're all in miles. Very odd. So...for those who are interested...

3K = 1.86 miles
4K = 2.49 miles
5K = 3.1 miles
6K = 3.73 miles
7K = 4.35 miles
8K = 5 miles
9K = 5.6 miles
10K = 6.2 miles

I like that the "rest" days are Friday and Sunday. With Erich working nights Monday to Thursday, Fridays are special to us. We often go out to dinner then chill out in front of the tube, catching up on those things we forget to mention during our nightly phone calls. Same with Sunday - it's our lazy day. I often work out Saturdays before he gets up, so this is perfect.

The week went pretty well. I strapped on my braces, downed a preventive dose of Tylenol Arthritis and took off to the gym. So far, so good! I am continually surprised by how in shape I am. The fact that I can work all day then go to a 5K isn't anything new - I've done it before - but it still surprises me.

Well, maybe not work ALL day. I'm getting off earlier and earlier. Which is good for gym time, but bad for the pocketbook. Anyone have a job for me out there!?!

For my first "cross train" day, I did an abs workout video. I felt it for a few days! That's probably a sign I need to do it more often.

The Olympics began over the weekend and with me doing this piddly little training schedule, it got me to thinking about what they go through. Such intense training. Hours a day for years. Now that's dedication worthy of admiration and respect.

This time next week, I will be in Ohio for a week to attend my family's annual reunion and visit old friends and stomping grounds! There is a YMCA about 15 minutes from my parents' house and I have contacted them about training there. The manager assured me he would give me a pass to use for the week. Awesome! I was totally prepared to pay so that was a nice gesture on his part. Priority number one when we get down there will be to go get that pass.

Random cool event: Bought a pair of Dr. Scholls walking shoes yesterday since I wanted to have a pair that weren't my normal running shoes; I need a pair to use when I have to walk around all day at an event. They were priced $35. Ok, fine. Well....they scanned at $3.00. That's right. THREE. The checkout lady definitely noticed it but said "I'm not telling anyone. Go get you another pair!" LOL! They didn't have any more in my size, or I would've. Too cool, huh? Every now and then, karma smiles.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Guilty as charged

There is a lot of guilt in obesity recovery - which is what I call the time when we are losing weight and doing a pretty good job of keeping it off.

Probably the first guilt comes when you eat something you know you shouldn't have. It happens to everyone. There is also guilt when you miss a workout. But I'm talking about something on a deeper level.

"What did I do to myself?"
Everyone who has lost a significant amount of weight gets that thought in his or her head. Why did I let it get so bad? Someone asked me that recently, actually...and no I didn't punch him in the face. Because he was right. I hated the question and his nerve pissed me off, but why did I let myself get to almost 500 pounds? There are no easy answers, really. I can only blame a form of mental illness. Some people never feel the need to drink a beer in their life; others drink themselves to death. I was eating myself into the grave and while I knew it, I couldn't seem to make myself stop it. There's a whole lot of "WHY?" going on in my head. My life could've been so much better if I'd taken control of things at 20 instead of 40. Whenever I look at the pounds of loose skin that I'll never be able to remove, I feel guilt. I did this to myself and there's no one to blame but me. It's sometimes a tough pill to swallow.

Here's a Dr. Phil-ism: The only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for one year is being in one for one year and one day. Amen and goodnight. I made the change when I did and that's that. Look forward.

"I wish I could help him/her."
When I see a severely morbidly obese person on the street, I want to help them. I feel a sense of guilt that somehow I found relief from that misery and I want to share knowledge with them. It doesn't seem right that I'm living my life and they can barely walk and breathe. Maybe it's a form of survivor's guilt. I'm on the shoreline, safe, but they're still sinking.

"I had no complications (sorry)."
Seriously speaking, I had pretty much zero complications with my surgery. Nothing. I have only dumped once (I think it was a dump...albeit a very minor one) and beyond some nausea or vomiting when I ate/eat the wrong thing or too much, too fast, that has been it my friends. I lost weight quickly and without incident. My surgeon called me "a star." Textbook, right? So when I hear about patients who end up back in the hospital or dump after a cough drop, I feel guilty. DAMN! I got off easy. I did exactly as I was told, of course, and I do think that helped me. But then I also know there are people who follow doctor's orders very well and still have random crap.

"Did I take the easy way out?"
Some weight-loss surgery patients fight this mentality allll the time. Of course, some feel no guilt at all about the method they used to become healthy. I admit I do to a certain extent. My path - at first - was indeed a bit easier than someone who has not had "the surgery". If there wasn't some benefit or advantage, I wouldn't have had the procedure. I have friends who have lost a lot of weight the "old-fashioned way". And yes, sometimes, I feel inferior to them. I am sure there are outsiders who feel those people are stronger than me, have more discipline than me. Maybe they're right. I dunno. What I do I know is it takes a lot to get here where I am. It's bad enough that others think I did this the easy way and maybe am not totally deserving of admiration or success; my job is to not let them get into my own head and make me feel guilty because of my method.

Here's a question for you: Is guilt useful? Does it keep you in line? Sure it does, in some ways. You will feel guilty if you have the second piece of cake (and likely sick as a dog, too), so you put it down. When someone asks you about the gym, you will feel guilty if you haven't been there in two weeks, so you go. All of this can make you follow your plan more diligently. Nothing wrong with that!

However, guilt can also eat you alive. I shouldn't feel badly about my success or the method I chose to get here, for example. We're all a work in progress and need to remember how valuable we are; self-worth and self-awareness is the key. Everything else is white noise. Tune it out.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Three is a magic number

Yesterday was my 3rd rebirth-day, as my husband calls it. The anniversary of my surgery and the day my life changed forever. Changing for the better every day!

Erich and I went to Stratford and took a relaxing boat tour of the Avon River. It was a beautiful day and strolling around the water watching the swans was what I needed after a week of very intense work-related stress. Celebrating low-key.

My other re-birthday gift to myself was signing up for my first 10K. I think I'm ready for a new challenge. My knees - with braces on them both - held out pretty well for the Father's Day 5K. So I'm gearing up for the Minds in Motion K-W Walking Classic on September 23. Yes, I will walk it. For some reason, people tend to make you feel badly for not running. I'm taking baby steps here - my knees thank me for it. There was also a half marathon option but nope. Not yet. Sorry!!

I posted this picture on Facebook yesterday morning and had such an overwhelming response of support from my awesome friends and family. The photo on the left was taken in December, 2008 - two months before my first visit to the surgeon in Detroit. The pic on the right was taken on Father's Day this year during the 5K I participated in for prostate cancer awareness and research.



I've said it before, but I bear no ill will to the woman on the left. She was brave and strong enough to save herself and I am grateful to her. I'm not one of those people who cringe at my 'before' photos. I still don't really recognize the woman on the right. I know it's me, but it still doesn't seem like me.

Three years seems like a long time yet it also seems like yesterday. I've learned a lot. A lot about me and those around me. Here are the top three things I know to be true:

3. I am stronger than I think I am. Who would've ever thought I could do this? Certainly not me. I mean, I wouldn't have started it if I didn't want it but I have been successful beyond my own expectations and surprised myself with my fabulous-ness!!

2. Support is the most important ingredient to inspiration and therefore, success. When you think you can't go on, there will be someone, somewhere, to let you know YOU CAN. You will. You must. It could be your partner, parent, child, friend, a stranger on tv or in a magazine. Someone. Support comes from unexpected sources, let me tell you, as does apathy. You might learn who really has your back and who doesn't; I sure did.

1. The journey never ends. It just goes on and morphs into something different as time goes by. The new normal is you being healthy, positive, looking out for yourself. Taking care of yourself. Goals are important - maintenance itself can be a goal but for me, I'm learning I need new challenges. New reasons to push myself to maintain health. Hence the 10K signup.

Let's toast to Three. It's a magic number! :)



Monday, June 25, 2012

Ow! What's that?

Mystery pain. Is that what comes along with an active life?

For some unknown reason, my left ankle is a little hurty. Not recalling actually doing anything to bring on the pain, it's a mystery. Also, my right knee has been smarting since Friday night. I think that one has to do with being in a seated position too long, as Erich and I attended a banquet celebrating the 20th anniversary of the company where he works. Drinks, dinner, speeches, an "our company kicks ass" film...sitting too long tends to make my knees lock up a bit.

Often a random ache or pain will come and go quickly and that's cool. But these have been ongoing for a few days now, and frankly, it's getting on my nerves.

It's funny what you can get accustomed to. My pain levels fluctuated when I was 450 pounds, but it was also a constant - like background music. I learned to ignore it for the most part, and take any steps necessary to keep it at that Muzak status. I walked on eggshells for at about, oh, 25 years or so. And when the pain got so severe as to move to the lead-singer position, I stopped. Stopped life. Tried to move as little as possible.

But now I try to get on with it, even though I notice the lower pain levels more. We had a really busy weekend so I couldn't just stop. Saturday, I put a brace on my knee and we went to a friend's party during the day; a two-and-a-half-hour "ghost walk" that night. Sunday I wrapped my ankle, put my knee brace back on and went grocery shopping. Tonight, I did the same thing and went on my usual walk/jog...ok, walking this time. No jogging.

I'm pretty sure this pain would've had me laid up in bed for a couple of days when I was obese. The fear of it becoming worse - much worse - would've been that intense. I recall my back "going out" once shortly before I started losing weight and it just wouldn't heal. My fear was that I would never heal, that my weight had finally caught up with me and this was it. Wheelchair, bedridden, TLC coming to film them cutting me out of the house. Dramatic, maybe, but I also knew how scenarios like that got started. I remember sobbing to my mother over the phone about this. She tried to comfort me while also letting me know the solution to the fear - and the pain - was in my hands. Lose weight.

But I don't let the pain stop me anymore. I have shit to do and I need to move. No more stopping for me, unless the pain gets to the point where I know it needs to be dealt with by a professional. No, I'm not completely stupid! :p

Mystery pain went along with obesity, I knew that, but apparently it doesn't stop when you lose weight. It's just less vivid and we are more able to tolerate it because, well, we're strong now and kick ass.

I started the 5-Day Pouch Test today. I've done this "fast" several times and it does help get me back on track. I haven't done it since the first of the year - and then I did it half-assed - so I'm really throwing myself into it now. So far, so good. I'm not even really that hungry yet. Yet. LOL!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

My best time

Greetings fellow....people!

On Sunday, I spent father's day in London, Ontario participating in Prostate Cancer Canada's Father's Day 5K Walk/Run. It rained the night before and the entire morning, but by the time we took off, it stopped. Later on, the sun came out and all was right with the world. Running the entire 5K would've been ideal but I'm just not there yet. Not like I've trained super hard to do it, either. I ran when I could, walked when I couldn't.

I raised $510 for the cause and I'm pleased with that. All told, over a million dollars got poured into the coffers from races all over the country. So that's awesome.

Coming into the finish, I got the shock of my life when the clock said just over 47 minutes. We got a late start and I wasn't really sure how long I'd been gone. That time is not great, I know. But in October at the CIBC Run for the Cure, the 5K took me just over an hour to complete. So this is real progress and I'm proud of that sucky time! Erich was waiting for me at the finish line. He said he checked out the clock said to himself "Oh, I have 15 or 20 minutes to wait for her," then all of the sudden I was jogging towards him! Very cool to surprise him like that and make him proud.

Some pics from the race (click to enlarge):

Ready for the rain (ditched the poncho soon after this was taken):



Finish line!



I know my face is blood red but honest to god, I felt like a million bucks. My face reddens very easily under normal circumstances. The picture gave my mom a fright, though. LOL!



Back at the hotel after the race, we had the guy behind the counter take our pic:



I ordered those shirts we have on from Zazzle. Much better to deal with than Cafe Press, I'm just sayin'. And no, they didn't pay me to say that. I'm thinking of putting in another order after I came across this shirt. Too lame? Probably. Meh.

Last night, beautious bariatric blogger Beth Badore (a.k.a. Melting Mama) FINALLY appeared on ABC doing what she does best - shooting straight. Beth went to NYC weeks ago to film an interview with Deborah Roberts that was supposed to appear on an hour-long 20/20 special on weight loss. Ended up on the cutting room floor. Well, they resurrected the piece for Nightline and its story on alcohol addiction and weight-loss surgery (WLS).

The thing is, those of us who have had WLS possess addictive personalities. The tendency for some is to replace one addiction for another when food is taken out of the equation. Drugs and alcohol are easy new soulmates due to the re-plumbing we had via the surgery...we feel the effects faster. We get drunk faster and we sober up faster. And, as Beth so eloquently put it, "If you can't swallow chicken, you can swallow wine." Poultry, for non-WLS readers, is a notoriously rough food for patients to get down. Some can never eat it again - I can (thank goodness). Check out the video HERE.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Unanswered Prayers

What a funny thing life can be. Twists and turns that fate forces you to take oftentimes guide you onto the straightest path.

Not long ago, I found the Facebook profiles of two boys I was obsessed with in school. You might not believe this, but I was fairly boy crazy (was? Still am). I know, hard to imagine. You can stop laughing now. Anyway, most of the objects of my affection didn't give me the time of day in a "romantic" sense. I was the fat girl in school, after all. I had many friends and yes, a few boyfriends, but a few did get away. LOL! The boys - men now, I suppose - I found online looked much the same as they did when I thought I couldn't live without them. Just older. And I'm sure they are great guys with fabulous wives and families. Honestly, I wish them both the best. But I had to wonder: What would my life be like if I had gotten what I wanted?...Which was THEM, at the time.

My small town is full of couples who met in high school or even elementary school. There are those who have been together as long as I can remember, some from the moment we first wrote notes back and forth asking "Do you like me, circle yes or no?" And bless their hearts, I'm thrilled they're still together and happy. I couldn't make that work myself - my first husband and I were high-school sweethearts. But really, I have to be happy that I didn't get what I wanted.

What if I hadn't met Erich and been in a position to date him, then move to Ontario?

What if I had kids with my first husband, virtually tying me to him and the area where we grew up forever?

What if I'd never been bored - by myself with a husband who worked nights - and tuned into American Idol, seeing Bo Bice for the first time? What if I had been working (which I couldn't yet do in my new country) and hadn't had the time to immerse myself in his online community? You can mock me all you want, but being his fan and meeting the wonderful people I have, has changed my life for the better in immeasurable ways. Not the least of which is the desire to travel and LIVE - which spurred me to have the weight-loss surgery that saved my life.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when you are presented with two paths and one looks more overgrown and messy than the other, safer one...make the tough choice. The road less traveled is the one paved with gold. Life is supposed to be challenging. That's where the rewards are. Do this in every aspect of your life that you can and you'll be happier for it. I promise!

And learn to thank god for Unanswered Prayers.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Re-gain and re-run

It's hard to believe I am coming up on the 3-year anniversary of my surgery. So many changes and yet so many things are the same. My husband refers to July 7 as my "re-birthday"; I am one of those cheesy people who often consider new years (January 1, birthdays, anniversaries) as a chance to push the re-set button on whatever needs to be tweaked. This year, as I approach my re-birthday, I know what needs to be done.

This journey never ends, it just changes. For me, I am dealing with a bit of regain and of course that needs to be stopped in its tracks. I've been struggling with it since last fall, when something happened that made the already overwhelming stress in my life just a bit more of a vivid stoplight red. I won't go into that but I definitely recognized the pathological, comfortable reaction for me was to medicate with my old frenemy food. The good thing is that I did recognize it and it hasn't gotten completely out of hand, but I feel like I need to start over a little bit. So I'm going back to 2009 in a few ways. I'm re-reading my faithful blue binder that the awesome team at Henry Ford Hospital gave to me. I'm looking within myself and remembering the reasons I did this and how it would feel to go back. NO going back. Ever. I'm even thinking of heading back to the pool. It helped me so much back then and was so much fun. I stopped going because I couldn't really afford a gym membership and pool time, but my gym membership is dirt cheap now so I'm going back into the water.

Complacency is an addict's worst enemy. So many of us get to goal and feel a fucked-up sense of entitlement, of "I'm thin now, so I can eat what I want." No, you can't. If the reformed drinker or smoker says that, the shit hits the fan. No different with me. Having said that, I have no desire to be a food Nazi. Life is more than 1200 calories a day, no sugar, no carbs, no fun. I can't just stop eating, so finding the sweet spot (no pun intended) can be difficult. So since last fall, I've lost some and gained, lost some and gained. I'm losing again at the moment and I'm determined to not let this shit beat me down.

Enough of that! Other topics:

Even three years out, I still struggle sometimes to remember that I've lost weight and people don't see me the way they did before the surgery. In some situations, my first reaction is to think about how humiliating an experience will be based on others' reaction to my presence. That's a very tough thing to overcome. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will.

Not too long ago I went to see singer/songwriter Levi Weaver at a so-called "house show". Literally, someone opens up their home to musicians and people come to feel the music. Levi is popular with some of my friends but I had never seen him perform live. Now, the thought of me going to someone's house and not knowing anyone at all in the room was more than a little terrifying. A bigger venue I can handle. It was the size of the "crowd" that got to me. What if there isn't room for me? I take up too much space, right? No one will talk to me. Who wants to talk to me?? Sometimes I feel like there's a voice in my head like the psycho mom in Carrie: "They're all gonna laugh at you!!" But I took a deep breath and remembered that I. Will. Be. Fine. I got great support from my friends and went. And it was awesome. Levi was wonderful, both offstage and on, and the whole thing made me wonder what I was so worried about. I discovered yet another thing that is no big deal. Just do it.

Erich and I celebrated our 11th anniversary at a dinner theatre/all-suite hotel in Mississauga called Stage West. Again, something I wouldn't have attempted before. I just would've felt very out of place in a setting like that. The seating would've freaked me out. Navigating my way through the tables would've been enough to keep me home. But it was a very nice time and we both loved the food, the play and the hotel. We got a great, GREAT deal so it's probably not something we would do again.

This time next week, I will have completed my second official 5K (I do them in the gym all the time but no one's counting those...LOL) when I go to London (Ontario...don't get too excited) and participate in the Father's Day Walk/Run for Prostate Cancer. Last fall, I did the CIBC Breast Cancer 5K in memory of my Aunt Betty and also to support all the other victims and caregivers of the disease. This time, I'm walking for my own father. My dad was only 49 when he was diagnosed and thanks to early detection, he is still with us today. I can't be with him next Sunday so this is my way of linking us together over the miles. I am fund-raising for this event - if you can, please click this link and give me, my dad, and all those touched by prostate cancer your support. I will do the breast cancer 5K again this year, but will not fund-raise for it. I figure one race a year is enough to bug people for money - and trust me, IT'S HARD to get people to donate to anything. Much harder than I expected! The rest of the year, I will do more 5Ks if I find them, but won't fund-raise.

I still can't run a 5K. My knees are pretty much bone on bone, so damaged from the arthritis that came about from my life of morbid obesity. But I wear braces on both knees and get on with it. And the other night, I ran more than I ever have and it was a pretty awesome feeling. I did a 5K at the gym yesterday and shaved about 10 minutes off the time I put up at the breast cancer race last October. So I feel good about that. I no longer wonder if I can finish; I just want my best time.

More stuff to get off my chest but that'll come later, maybe tomorrow. I don't want to write too long of a book here! I love you guys and thanks so much for all your kind wishes and support.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Oh, Jillian....

In the age of celebrity worship, it's only natural that some folks in our society look to movie stars and musicians when thinking about embarking on a weight-loss journey. I make no secret of the attention I give when famous bariatric-surgery patients such as Carnie Wilson or Star Jones speak out. Spokespeople from Jennifer Hudson and Valerie Bertinelli to Marie Osmond and Charles Barkley have made a second career out of endorsement deals with the programs that helped them to shed pounds. Reality shows create superstars out of personal trainers like Jillian Michaels and Bob Harper, and at least some fleeting fame for the contestants. Nothing wrong with that and nothing wrong with looking to these people for inspiration. I say, find it in whomever - or whatever - works for you.

But celebrities do, in my opinion, have a certain responsibility to know what the hell they're talking about.

Recently, on Jillian Michaels' You Tube series "Daily Dose" a caller asked her what she thought about lap-band surgery. This kind of led to a long oration against all wight-loss surgery (WLS), which she described as "dangerous, very dangerous" and "barbaric". You can imagine how this is setting with the vast majority of bariatric patients. Check it out for yourself:



She does say some things that are kind of true - there are risks associated with WLS - with ANY major surgery - and there are possibilities of complications like dumping. But honestly, she's being very, VERY dramatic. I had a pretty emotional reaction to this video when I first watched it. It made me cry with sadness. What elicits such a strong response from me is thinking about someone who thinks they have finally found a solution to obesity. They've tried everything (yeah, Jillian, they've counted calories) and failed over and over again. They are in the middle (or end) of the pre-screening process and are excited to start their new life, although yeah, they're probably scared, too. So they watch this video and get freaked out. Maybe they cancel the surgery and spend a few days in a bag of Doritos because Jillian says they should be able to lose weight without surgery but they still feel like they can't. Maybe they get a little depressed and self-esteem plummets further. You see where I'm going with this?

Of course, maybe she inspires someone to try to lose weight "on their own" one last time and they succeed. If so, good for them.

Here's the thing. People look up to her and she needs to get her facts straight before she spouts off very generalized statements about a specific surgery. Ranting about worst-case scenarios is not cool. You risk a whole lot more being morbidly obese than you do having this surgery. According to the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive & Kidney Disease (NIDDK), less than 1% of all cases of bariatric surgery result in death. Complications are rare and as I've said before - most of the more "common" complications like malnutrition and dumping can be avoided simply by being a good patient and doing what you're told.

My husband watched this video with me and made a good point, which I was already considering before he said it: Jillian's worried about her bottom line. Speaking out against WLS and using fear to keep people away from it could potentially benefit her pocketbook. She could be under the mistaken notion that WLS patients don't buy her books or exercise videos. She would be wrong about that, of course. Again....WLS isn't a magic wand and you have to exercise and eat right to both lose the weight and keep it off. However, you can bet your ass that after watching this video, I won't buy another single thing she has for sale. Ever.

The National Institute of Health now considers WLS the only permanent treatment for morbid obesity. I've written in the past about the many years, tears and dollars I've spent trying to achieve and maintain a healthy weight. It's not that I failed, I just didn't find what worked for me. Every "diet plan" will work if you work it - you just have to find one you can live with. WLS has worked (so far) for me.

While researching some stats for this blog, I found a very cool graphic from the American Society for Metabolic and Bariatric Surgery
website. This is what WLS can do for you (click to enlarge):


As someone who supposedly makes a living attempting to help people discover a healthier lifestyle, shame on Jillian Michaels for trying to steer people away from a very safe procedure that saves lives every single day.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Surprises

One of the questions I'm asked most is what about my surgery and/or weight-loss journey has been the most surprising or unexpected?

I'm almost three years out (OMG!) and I can tell you the surprises keep coming. Or maybe it's just that I am still not used to my "new" body. For example, it is still odd to me that I can wear a size x-large or even a large with regularity. I shop in the "regular" sections of stores now, but sometimes I still shake my head when I try something on and it looks good (or at least passable) on me.

The new trend of maxi-length dresses almost passed me by. I have always been of the mindset that long dresses make me look like a box. I had no real discernible curves, so put me in anything long and I look sorta like a coffin. Not really a great style. Dresses were never a part of my wardrobe at all till I married Erich and moved to Canada. His mother, who made a lot of my clothes because I couldn't find anything here that would fit me, began making me skirts and dresses. I didn't know any women who routinely wore these..."things"...but she kept making them for me. So I kind of felt obligated to wear them. She made a black floor-length skirt for me and I wore it to my stepdaughter Ericha's confirmation in 2002:



I look like I have no bottom half. I'm just one big blob. Very Jabba the Hut-like. At least with pants, I had legs. LOL! This is why I never wore dresses, especially long ones. And yes, I was carrying a cane - at age 32.

I was in Old Navy recently and maxi dresses were everywhere. I decided to try one on and hey...I don't look too bad in this! I look tall and thin. What a revelation. Then I remembered that I already DO have a maxi dress, and I wore it last year during our trip to the Dominican Republic (click this one to enlarge):



So I forget sometimes and am still surprised.

Just the other day, I started to run a bath and left the room for a moment....then I ran back in to stop the water so I could still have room to get in the damn thing and not overflow it. When I stepped inside, it was half full. Ooops. Yeah, right. More water.

I still occasionally check furniture before I sit on it to be sure it will hold me. If it looks rickety, I stop and a moment of panic flashes before I remember that it's ok.

Other surprises along the way:
- How quickly that pouch fills up when you're newly post-op. Pay attention!
- Less laundry because of smaller clothes.
- I can go away for at least four days with a carry-on-sized suitcase.
- Water rushes by my hips in the tub now. My ass is no longer a dam.
- Clothes in general are FAR less expensive.
- The lack of problems and complications I've had. I've been lucky.
- My feet shrank 2 sizes; my fingers 5 sizes; my bra, 5 band sizes (48 to 38)
- I can no longer open doors by simply leaning against them.
- I look all right with short hair.
- The excess skin thing SUCKS.
- Everything that used to be oily is now dry: Hair, skin, nails, etc.
- I've become cold-natured. I rarely sweat anymore. I *glisten*
- Activity is thoughtless
- Pain is not normal. Now when my back or knees ache, it really bothers me!
- My apparent ability to inspire others. Unexpected and humbling.
- I can change. I can adapt. I can do things I never thought possible.

I could sit here all night and think of a lot more things but that's the gist off the top of my head. This journey is a long and winding road. There really is no end to it; you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and embrace the next surprise around the corner. Good or bad, I promise there's a lesson to be learned.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Re-gain, re-surgery?

Carnie Wilson has been in the news this week because she revealed that in January, she had a second bariatric procedure.

Carnie made headlines back in 1999 when she had Roux-en-Y gastric bypass surgery (the same procedure I had). Because of her openness regarding her journey, a lot of people were encouraged to go the same route she did and get the surgery themselves.

And now, 13 years later, she is dealing with her regain by having a lap band placed over her gastric pouch. And I say good for her.

The backlash to this latest surgery is very sad to me. Comments range from "get your lazy a** to a gym" to "how about putting the fork down and walking away" and "she took the easy way out again".

Once again..............people just. Don't. Get it. This is not about someone who needs to lose 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. It's not someone whose life would be awesome if she could just put down a second slice of pizza so she could get rid of the last stubborn 15 pounds of baby weight. We are not normal. It's a day-by-day fight not to slip down the rabbit hole and it's NOT the same as most people saying no to a doughnut at the office meeting. It's not the same. It's not the same. Lather, rinse, repeat.

While I feel for anyone who needs to lose weight (even 10 pounds isn't easy, trust me, I get that), the psyche of those of us who let it get to the point where we feel re-arranging our guts is the only answer to survival is just different. We think about food differently and need different levels of help dealing with it. I, personally, applaud her courage in not only concluding that she deserved and needed ongoing assistance in dealing with her addiction, but also her willingness to share it publicly absolutely knowing the terrible backlash that would be associated with her choice. To have bariatric surgery once is a controversy; to have it twice is unthinkable to those who haven't walked in her shoes.

Chronic food addiction is an incurable disease of the mind. It never goes away. Just like a supposedly "reformed" smoker may need several shots to get it right, an obese person needs the same sort of compassion and understanding. Rock stars go to rehab for drug and alcohol addition several times - what Carnie is doing is not much different. She is dealing with her addiction the best way she knows how in a way that works for her. And it is working...apparently she has lost 30 pounds since having the procedure.

GOOD FOR HER.

Her story is also a much-needed reminder that surgery is not a cure for obesity. There is always a chance of regaining some or all of the weight loss. I personally know someone who has had two procedures: a lap band many years ago and recently, a gastric bypass. Regain after surgery is particularly difficult. You think to yourself that if you fail after surgery, maybe you cannot succeed at anything. Some people who regain simply resign themselves to failure - at more than maintenance. So again, I applaud anyone who takes the bull by the horns and "regains" control of their lives. By any means necessary.

Kinda brings new meaning to that old sappy song, right?

Sunday, March 18, 2012

The secret under our clothes

Good grief, it's been a while.

So did any of you watch TLC's The Real Skinny last Monday? I didn't watch till this weekend, but man...it was like watching me.

We follow two post-ops on their final journey to "normal" - the removal of the excess skin that oftentimes comes with massive weight loss. Sarah is 28 and was once almost 400 pounds. Chris is 41 and started out at 424. They have both reached a normal weight, but deal with the aftermath of what they did to their bodies every day when they look into the mirror.

They both get the dream procedure for most post-ops: The 360 circumferential body lift. YOWZA!!! If I ever win the lottery, this is the one. As their surgeon, Dr. J. Timothy Katzen, described, it's sort of like "cutting someone in half and putting them back together."

Sarah's story was especially poignant to me, since we look very similar naked. I know it's not what a lot of you want to hear, especially those just starting out, but it's the truth. It's the "secret under my clothes", as Chris said that people who have gone through massive weight loss - whether surgical or "natural" - hide every single day. Hide it from everyone but themselves, that is.

It's very difficult to explain how painful it is, psychologically, to be successful with your battle against obesity yet not to feel like you've completed the transformation because you are still ashamed of the way you look. It's hard to explain that to people who are not in the same boat. They think you're crazy. You should just be happy that you've lost all the weight and to them, you look great! Of course, they don't see you naked, right?

Sarah explained her daily routine stuffing her stomach skin down into her jeans. Of lifting the skin to wash underneath it; using powder to keep it dry and diaper rash ointment to soothe the inevitable rashes that occur (I have both in my bathroom right now). Of feeling it jerk and jiggle all over the place when you run. Chris talked about how it smacks him when he does jumping jacks or "hits the ground first" when he does a push-up. All of this is true, and the great majority of post-ops quietly deal with it every day.

It's worth mentioning that I never had these issues with my fat. It's the skin that's the problem. So that's the demoralizing part. You think the physical challenges of your life will be over when you lose weight. You think you'll be bursting to get into a bikini or wear shorts and halter tops. You think life will be normal, and it's not. It's still not. And that is heartbreaking for a lot of people. Sarah's first words in the recovery room were "Am I skinny yet?" This from someone who has lost more than 200 pounds.

Now I'm not about to sit here and tell you I cry into my Crystal Light every day about this. I don't. I am so grateful to have accomplished everything I have so far. I'm proud of myself and hey....I do look pretty damn good (with clothes on, anyway). But the excess skin does suck. It affects the way I shop, it affects the way I see myself and reminds me of what I let myself become. Of what I did to myself and my body. That hurts a lot. This is what I did to myself. It's my punishment for how I behaved for most of my life. Sarah said as much during the show and that's similar to how I feel, too.

Lately I have felt myself backsliding into bad habits that I know I need to get a grip on. I've had some regain this winter but the scale is starting to move back down. I know how to do this. Another reminder that I will never be done. That's ok; I just need to always remember it and not just when it's convenient for me. I made a promise to you all and to myself - in this blog - that I would never be one of those people who says "Before I knew what happened, I'd gained 50 pounds." So I need to get it together before that happens. Don't worry, we're not even close to that number! And we never will be!

One more thing then I'll stop: Those Weight Watchers commercials with Jennifer Hudson screeching in them grate on my nerves. Tired of it! Moving on....

Monday, February 20, 2012

Judgment nation

I've had a pretty crazy week, so I'm just going to get right to it and talk about a few things out in the news last week, things I have definite opinions on and feel need to be addressed.

The British singer Adele appears on the cover of current issue of "Vogue" magazine. The article is wonderful and makes no mention of her figure. Adele herself has been quoted as saying she "makes music for ears, not eyes." Well, let your eyes get a load of this (click to enlarge):



Obviously, this has created a lot of controversy. Why would they so obviously Photoshop her body in that way? I don't have an issue with them perfecting her skin or whatever, but making her body look like Jessica Rabbit is not cool. She's gorgeous just the way she is. What kind of message does this send to young girls? You can have the voice of an angel, be beautiful to look at, honored for your outstanding work by your peers but....but really, we still want you to look like a Barbie doll. Crazy, crazy stuff. Totally wrong and dangerous.

The other story that caught my attention last week was an interview Star Jones did with Matt Lauer on the Today Show. I believe this is the first time Star has really opened up about her gastric bypass surgery and resulting 160-pound weight loss.



Star begins the interview by declaring "“I was definitely a food addict. My entire adult life I had been overweight. I wasn’t fluffy. I wasn’t full figured. I wasn’t plus-sized. I was morbidly obese.” She goes on to explain her decision to keep the surgery a secret - she had made so much of her life public, some fans were understandably upset when learning how she launched her weight-loss success story. And she gets that. She basically just said she wasn't ready.

Honestly, I totally understand why so many people choose to hide it. There's a large stigma, even today but even more so in 2003, attached to having this surgery. I'm not sure what the difference would be between someone who uses surgery to help them lose weight and someone who uses a nicotine patch to help them quit smoking. Would you tell the reformed smoker that they "took the easy way out" or didn't "do it on their own" simply because they didn't go cold turkey? Whatever works, people. This is a matter of life and death. The stigma really has to stop.

Star says she attributes about 100 pounds of loss directly to the surgery; the rest was just hard work. She's so right about that. You will lose weight at first but it's up to you to eat right and get your ass to the gym to go the distance and lose all you need to then keep it off.

Then we had the sad and tragic news of Whitney Houston's death. I learned this from a dear friend while at a dinner party in Nashville (more on that later!) and needless to say, I was stunned. She was a big part of my teenage years and beyond, her beautiful voice weaving its way into precious memories of my youth. We still don't know for sure what killed her but boy, the opinions are pretty narrow. It had to be a drug overdose, right? And should we be honoring her (with either half-mast flags or non-stop press coverage) when she was just a drug addict anyway?

How sad. How sad that we can't just remember her for the wonderful memories she brought to our lives. Even if you have never bought a Whitney Houston CD in your life, surely (especially if you're American) you remember her unparalleled rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner at the 1991 Super Bowl. Do you remember who was playing? Who won? Probably not. But you remember this:



For the record, I don't think the flags in New Jersey should be at half mast. But not because she was "just a drug addict singer". I don't think it should've been done for Frank Sinatra, either - but it was. That honor should be reserved for fallen soldiers, presidents, etc.

The sad parallel between these three seemingly unrelated stories? Our expectations of other people and the way we so harshly judge them when we know nothing about them or the struggles they go through. Adele is judged for her body, not her voice. Star for her obesity and the method she chose to save her own life, and not her intellect. Whitney for her illness of addiction and not her fantastic talent. Society places such unrealistic expectations of perfection on people, especially women.

I propose that we all give each other a break. Just a thought.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

A tale of two dresses

Well one, really. One dress, two bodies.

Most women I know long for the days when they were thin enough to fit into their wedding gowns. I am not one of those women.

Oftentimes, that's when we look our absolute best. We diet and kill ourselves to fit into this tiny, white dress so we look perfect for 24 hours and have the photographs to prove it. Then the business of actually being married sets in (kids, frantic schedules, bills, stress) and the weight is gained back and then some. This is the normal routine in most women's lives.

I started thinking about my own wedding gown a while back, as our 10th anniversary approached. We talked about possibly renewing our vows and joked about altering my gown so I could wear it on my new body.

Recently I was reading Redbook, one of my favorite magazines, and it seems they are featuring an ongoing story about women who want to fit back into their wedding gowns. It's called the Wedding Dress Challenge. The piece will follow 13 women on their quest to squeeze back into that frilly white dress. By the way, there are some great diet and exercise tips in that link - I urge you to check it out. So reading that got me to thinking: I hope I never fit into my wedding dress again!

There's a show on TLC called Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss which features plus-sized brides looking for the perfect dress. I watched several episodes of it last weekend and again found myself thinking about my own quest for the dress as what's termed a "supersize" plus-sized bride-to-be and how my gown would fit me today.

You know what happened next. I dragged it out of the closet and handed Erich a camera.

Holy shit.

So this is Erich, my brother-in-law and me 10 years ago at my wedding. We don't have very good photographs from that day, I'm sorry to say. No photographer or anything, just family snapping pics. It's my biggest regret from that day. Always, always hire a photographer. Borrow the money if you have to (click to enlarge).



And this is that same dress on me, last night:





The first thing that struck me was how long it was. I felt like a little girl playing dress-up. So yeah. I hope I never, ever fit into that dress again. It must also be said that I had it custom made, so it fit me well at the time. I mean, there was no way I could go into a bridal salon and pick out a dress; it just wasn't going to happen. When I was watching Big Bliss, there was one bride who was bigger than a size 32 and they just didn't know what the hell to do because that's where the sizes stopped. I would've been screwed as well and I knew it. I never set foot inside a dress shop, I had one made for me. Crazy, huh?

Seriously, if I can do this you can, too. You can. You are stronger than you think you are!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

My 600-lb Life on TLC

I am inspired by others' weight-loss success stories, so I often watch television shows featuring diet, exercise and healthy living. I've written extensively about my personal need for broadcast motivation. I see others succeeding and it makes me think I can do it, too.

So I was very anxious to watch a new short-run series on TLC called "My 600-lb Life". It's a four-episode series that follows a different person each night on his or her weight-loss journey via gastric bypass. Each patient begins weighing at least 600 pounds. It premiered Wednesday night and featured Melissa, a woman from Ohio, living in Texas, who started out weighing in at 653 pounds.

In one of my first blog entries, before my surgery, I said "...before it gets to the point where I need assistance in walking across the floor, I have to do THIS so I never find TLC knocking at my door wanting to do a special on the shut-in. No, never, not me." It was a serious fear of mine. I could feel myself falling down the rabbit hole and knew something drastic had to be done. At my highest weight, I was hovering around 500 pounds.

Melissa can still walk but it's not easy. She requires assistance to do the most basic of things, intimate tasks which she embarrassingly talks briefly about later in the broadcast. Her husband is her lifeline. He is more caretaker and nursemaid than lover or partner. This was also a big fear of mine...I did not want to put Erich in this situation. Ever. I could see it coming like the light on a locomotive still far away but barreling down on me, fast. And me, standing in the darkness in the middle of the tracks, terrified but knowing I needed to swerve or die.

In one of the first scenes, Melissa is on a scooter in a grocery store - because she cannot walk around long enough to shop - and people are staring; one man makes a smart remark and she cries. Again...I could see this coming at me. I could see this being my life. I resisted the scooter in stores and walked through the pain, in agony and red-faced, sweating in January, because I didn't want the scrutiny. There are so many things that resonated with me in the two hours of this show that I can't write about all of them or we'd be here all day long.

It seems she got much the same after-care advice I did: Protein, protein, protein. Limit refined carbs and sugar, especially at first. They follow her through seven years of ups and downs. It's quite a journey.

She had two skin-removal surgeries, one of which removed 60 pounds and another that took off 30. And she still had some loose skin issues. Kind of makes mine seem trivial in comparison. It seems she didn't experience many complications from the gastric bypass beyond initial nausea (same with me). However, complications arose after the second surgery but mainly because she wasn't eating properly and became malnourished. I've said it over and over...patient compliance is KEY to success with any surgery, including gastric bypass.

Two major things I want to say about the show: A big plus: The relationship with her husband is explored quite a bit and I was glad to see that. Her husband had problems adjusting to this new woman who wanted to do things for herself now, who wanted to get out and enjoy her new life. I've also written about the minefield that can be a post-weight-loss marriage/partnership. People get accustomed to living a certain way and when that gets turned upside down, it can be a lot to handle. Your partner MUST get on board with it or be pushed overboard. It's that simple. Please, please, please do not hold yourself back. Have some sympathy for the fact they will also need time to adjust, but not at the expense of yourself and your success. I question Melissa's decision to have a child with her husband and stay with him through his treatment of her. When she discovers his infidelity, her response is "well, at 600 pounds what do you expect?" You expect RESPECT. Kindness and loyalty. It's so sad how a person's self-esteem will make them react to pain inflicted upon them. They think they deserve it. Very sad. It's not about the 600 pounds. It's about his character, which he proves to her again and again. Yet she still stays.

A big minus: In the whole two-hour episode - which, as I said, follows her over the course of seven years - we never see Melissa at a gym. Not working out to an exercise DVD, nothing. I fear this will perpetuate the myth that she simply hopped onto an operating table and lost nearly 500 pounds. She alludes to this way of thinking and debunks it, but still. I kept waiting for the sweat and never saw any. HUGE fail, in my opinion. You have to work at weight loss, no matter what the method is. Yes, you will lose weight with gastric bypass no matter what you do in the first few months. But you won't continue that loss or maintain it without either hard work the healthy way or transferring your food addiction to other damaging behaviors like anorexia.

After her weight loss, Melissa found work as a patient liaison at the bariatric clinic at which she had her surgery. It was her job to talk to patients pre-op and get them ready for the journey ahead. She led group discussions and private meetings; they even showed her going into peoples' homes and guiding them on what foods to eat. THIS is what I want to do. I've known it for a long time. To help people on their way to a new life would be the ultimate dream job. I'd said to myself this was one of my new year's resolutions - to find work like this. There's a clinic about 30 minutes away from me and that's where I'll start. Somehow! I don't know the first thing about the place - never even been there - but I need to take some baby steps towards this new goal and make it happen.

The show re-airs on Monday at 9 (EST) and a new episode, with a new patient, airs Wednesday night. I have so much more to say about the show but this blog is long enough. Besides, I'm sure I'll be writing more about the new episode and each one after that.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

A thousand words

When Erich and I first got married, I insisted that we begin a tradition of having yearly family portraits taken with my stepdaughter, Ericha. My family and friends were very far away and when I sent Christmas cards, I wanted a nice update to include along with it. Ericha's birthday is in early November so we would always schedule a session around that time in order to get a nice shot of her, alone, and have the prints back in time to send in our Christmas cards. I was also eager to start some traditions for Ericha and indeed, this was something she seemed to look forward to every year.

We stopped when she turned 18 in 2007. But last year, Erich and I talked about getting some professional portraits done for our 10th wedding anniversary. We didn't have any really nice photographs of us since my weight loss and it being a special occasion, we decided to revive the tradition and include Ericha in the session as well.

When I went to the pre-session consultation (this was big time, no usual Sears or Walmart portraits...LOL), the photographer wanted to know what kind of family we were. Casual, formal, playful, etc. I told her we were very casual. Just because this was a professional session, there would be no formal wear and no stuffy poses. I told her my husband's hair was shoulder length and my stepdaughter's was pink. Multiple tattoos and piercings all around. So you get the idea. She laughed and said "Wonderful!"

The photo session was interesting and fun. None of us had never posed for a pro before, so there was some trial and error as they hovered around us with light meters and gently persuaded us to move a hand, tilt a head, or put on a genuine smile.

The results were more than I could've hoped for. The photo on the left below is the one from our first family portrait, in 2002. The one on the right is from the latest session (click to enlarge).



After showing this before-and-after to someone just the other day, she asked me, in reference to the shot on the right, "Did you ever think you would look like that? Or could look like that?" No. Absolutely not! I suppose I do so many of these before-and-after things because the change doesn't hit me too much when I look in the mirror. I need to see it with my own eyes laid out before me, then I get it. And it helps! It's motivating and makes me understand all the hard work I've done and how I never want to go back.

Motivation for maintenance is key. You have to do what works for you, whatever it is that makes you get up and go to the gym, eat healthy at least most of the time, and love yourself enough for your accomplishment to GET IT. Look what you've done! It's amazing! But it ain't free. You have to work at it forever. But it's very important to take the time and be present in your mind to look at what you've done and what you CAN do.

Here's our 10th anniversary portrait. I can't say enough about my love for my husband. Partnership and support through this whole journey is of the utmost importance. And the best thing about him is this: He loved me just as much in that 2002 portrait as he does in this one. Just as much.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Coat tales

Before I lost weight, I would "joke" that I had to be the biggest person in Canada.

I couldn't find a single, solitary thing to wear in stores. Everyone - and I mean everyone - around was smaller than me; indeed, most people were a healthy, normal weight, but even those who were obese weren't as big as I was. The difference in the appearance of the population between my hometown in south-central Ohio and here was jarring to me, especially at first. Most of the time, I felt like a freak. I hadn't felt that to the same degree at home because there were a lot of people around who looked like me. Unfortunately.

When I arrived here 10 years ago, I complained that sizes in Walmart only went to 3X in clothes and size 10 in shoes. Plus-size specialty stores had sizes up to 4X. Seriously...what the hell was I going to do? My mother-in-law made a lot of my clothes and I did a lot of stocking up on trips home. That's how I avoided scaring folks by walking around naked.

My favorite line was "There are no fat people in Canada!" None like me, anyway!

Since losing weight, I have given away an entire wardrobe of clothes. I sold very little, preferring to give most of it to thrift stores and charities. However, I had some really nice coats that I couldn't see giving away. I mean, a size 4X leather trench coat and a never-worn size 6X parka....there has to be a market for that, right? Someone, somewhere would buy them. So I put them a lot of other offerings on our local Kijiji and figured I'd be rid of them within a few days. If I'd seen this stuff listed pre-op, I would've been jumping for joy, I reasoned. There has to be someone who is having a hard time finding a coat who will be really pleased to take one off my hands.

WRONG.

I first listed them last fall and got lots of responses right away so I was optimistic. But I quickly learned people don't understand the concept of these sizes. I had women show up to try on a size 5X jacket or coat who were clearly much smaller than that. As soon as some of them walked in, I knew. "What the hell are people thinking?" I would ask Erich. "You can't wear a 5X if you're clearly a 2 or 3X!" Every time someone came by, the coats were too big for them. Always.

I sold two out of 16 items.

After briefly considering giving them all away, I decided to keep four of the nicer, more expensive ones and gave the rest away because well, one of my old coats takes up the room of three or four in my new size. I needed the space. So this past fall, I re-listed the four. No hits. Not a single one!

Finally, this past weekend, someone emailed about the size 6X parka. Dude drove about 45 minutes to come try it on. He really wanted it. I handed it to him and his first words are "Whoa! It's big!" Well....yeah, it's a 6X. It's big. WTF? He tried it on. Too big.

Sigh.

After being told what I weighed pre-op, I've had people (here, in Ontario) say to me that they never would've thought I weighed that much. Maybe 250 pounds or something. That, to them, is the highest they can imagine someone weighing. By that I mean that they don't have a concept of what 450 pounds looks like so they can't imagine anyone weighing that much. I guess when you weigh 120 pounds, 250 seems enormous. So maybe that's what's going on with the coats, but in reverse. These people have no concept of a size 6X (because it doesn't exist much up here) but they know they're big; so they show up thinking they'll be able to wear it but can't. It's weird.

So now I don't know what the hell to do with these beautiful, wonderful coats. I know someone would love to have them but those people are certainly not in my area. I don't want to mess around with shipping so e-bay is out. Maybe I'll hang onto them till I go home and have my parents put them up for sale there.

Hm. Maybe I was right all along and I really WAS the biggest person in Canada! I'm kidding. I know I wasn't but I find this misconception of obesity and size by people around me strangely fascinating because I know there wouldn't be this issue in my area of Ohio.

If you know any plus or super plus-size people who need a winter coat, send them my way!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

So you're considering bariatric surgery?

As I mentioned in my last blog, a friend of mine recently had gastric bypass surgery at a nearby hospital. He came through everything just fine, as expected. There is no doubt in my mind he will be successful - because he totally rocks - and I am so excited to bear witness to the wonderful journey on which he has embarked.

There are a few other friends of mine who are either considering surgery or completing preliminary programs and waiting on a surgery date. While no beacon of knowledge, I make myself available to those who have questions and concerns. I've been through this and like to think I can add something to the table. However, I also make it clear that my experience is mine alone. Everyone's is different and you should only do what you and your doctor feel is right for you.

Looking back through old posts recently, it occurs to me probably one of the most valuable things I can give to those who are searching for answers - beyond answering individual questions, which I'm happy to do - is direct them to the blogs I wrote surrounding my surgery date. Maybe start in late June, 2009 and continue on through July. My surgery date was July 7, 2009 and I wrote about the actual surgical procedure and its aftermath here.

Day one of my pre-op liquid diet, and a particular passage caught my eye:
Right now, I'm in a much better mood than I thought I'd be. I've been on the verge of tears a few times, but overall I'm ok. I'm hungry, but I'll live. The first day is always the worst. But what I'm doing now to overcome this lifelong, debilitating affliction is a small price to pay for living long enough to hear one more song; read one more book; feel one more hug or kiss - write one more word.

It'll be worth it.


This is something all bariatric patients, including myself, need to remember when the going gets tough. It's also true for those who haven't had the surgery. It's hard, it sucks some days, but it's all worth it in the end. I haven't spoken to anyone, personally, who wouldn't repeat the surgery and go through all the bullshit over again. I was very lucky and had very few physical side effects. Most of my issues were psychological and I still struggle with those.

Recovery from food addiction and obesity is a lifelong process, like recovery from anything else. There are times when I fall off the proverbial wagon and have to chase it down again, scrambling back on with both hands and holding on for dear life. If I don't, I'll end up right back where I started and I want to ride that wagon, baby! Take me far away from the behavior patters I made in the past, please. It's not easy or something that will ever be effortless, at least not for me. Choices are made each day to be healthy, to continue living. You'd think that would be effortless and a no-brainer but it's not. When your demons get a hold of you, they are difficult to eradicate.

There are also a couple links to the side of this blog I found helpful but I will also put them here for those who are interested. The woman who started the website from which they originated doesn't update anymore but she left everything up and it's a good read. After you get to these FAQ sections, I would suggest clicking around her site via the links on the top right of those pages:

FAQs for pre-ops

FAQs for post-ops

Again, her experience differs from mine and yours will likely be different from both of ours, but it's still worth checking out, in my opinion.

Good luck to everyone choosing a healthier lifestyle, whether it's through surgery or not. I'm here for you in any way I can be!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Cool clothes?

Shallow blog alert:

Clothes are weird. When people lose weight, you hear about them going nuts buying clothes because of the sudden abundance of choices. Now, of course I did that - the sheer joy of owning things I was never able to fit into was not lost on me. But now that I'm "settling" into maintenance I have noticed something: Clothes are still difficult to find.

At first, I just wanted the damn shirt because it was a 2X...or a 1X...then an XL. I can wear it? Then I must have it!!! Right now!!! There were things in my closet that, in the clear light of day, made me go WTF? much like taking off beer goggles the morning after a drunken one-night stand.

Wandering around any random women's clothing department, nowadays I'm trying to be much pickier about what finds its way into my cart. And here's the thing - most of the time, I prefer the styles of the plus-size department. Shocked? Not more than me.

So I got to thinking about this....why? For years, I assumed I wore the clothes I was physically able to wear for that lone reason. They fit on my body, so I bought them. Of course, I couldn't wear many things in the plus-size department anyway; I was too big, even for them. But I wanted to. Badly. And sometimes I still do. I'm not sure if I grew to like the styles because of necessity or what but in some instances I find myself turning my nose up at the offerings in the misses' department and wishing I could find something small enough in plus sizes.

Weird, huh?

Just another thing I bet most people don't consider when beginning a weight-loss journey. I know, I know....cry me a river. And honestly, it's not a huge thing but it's on my mind so now you're going to read about it. Sorry!

It's not all about patterns and colours. My new body is also a big factor in why it's difficult to find things that suit me because I often discover I need the cut of a plus size (nipped-in waist, fuller cut in the tummy/hips) but the numbers on the tag aren't small enough. The "regular" clothes aren't cut for someone with all this extra skin. Spanx helps but doesn't work miracles.

So the hunt for cool clothes is never ending for us all, right? To be continued...

A shout-out to a very special reader/friend who will go under the knife this week and start his own weight-loss journey: You know who you are. Good luck and I'm merely an email or phone call away if you need anything. You're going to do this and kick ass. I know it! *hugs*

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Making a list

I came across an old forgotten list yesterday. No heading, but I can guess the topic:

- Walk long distances
- Buy any clothes I want
- Not worry about width or strength of seats at concerts, movies, etc.
- Sit in a booth
- Cross my legs
- Sit on Erich's lap
- More energy
- Have people easily pass by me at my workstation
- Stand **UP** at concerts or just in general
- Never be embarrassed to be seen again

So let's take stock of these goals:

- Well, I officially walked a 5K but I certainly have walked farther than that, too. So I think that counts. It's funny that I put this at the top of the list...maybe it was because when I started exercising, I could only walk a few feet before wanting to stop due to the pain and breathlessness.

- It took me a long time to not think too much about the strength and width of seats before I sat down, but I don't too much anymore. The fear has lessened greatly.

- Every time I sit in a booth, I am happy. I think about how I once couldn't do that every time I climb into one. And I will sit in a booth everywhere if I can. 20+ years of answering "Table" to the question "Booth or table?" is o-v-e-r.

- I now cross my legs as a matter of comfort. It's how I prefer to sit. Unthinkable pre-op.

- I still feel odd sitting on Erich's lap but I love to do it. Just because I can.

- More energy is a given.

- This took a long time to get over as well. Until recently, I pushed my chair in when I sensed someone was about to walk behind me at work. But slowly, I'm understanding that it's no longer an issue.

- I can stand and rock out for an entire show then walk blocks and blocks back to my car. No sweat.

- I'm not embarrassed to be seen anywhere. Being in a bathing suit on a beach in the Dominican Republic went a long way towards easing that fear!

I guess I was brainstorming? Probably thinking of things to write about. Most likely these goals did become part of the history of this blog, as they became history in my life. I think it's safe to say I've accomplished them all with the exception of the second one. "Buying any clothes I want" isn't going to happen without skin-removal surgery which isn't going to happen without a winning lottery ticket. But if that's all I have to worry about then I'm good. And I do pretty well - last month I bought two size-10 dresses. I've decided to buy all my clothes at Sears now, since the sizing is obviously skewed as I am NOT a size 10. However, a label is a label! :)))

This list seems like it was created pretty early in my journey. So much has happened to me, it seems like a lifetime ago when I felt that way. Yet it also seems like yesterday. Some people, after they lose a lot of weight, say "I don't even know that person. She/he isn't me anymore." They shake their heads at their former selves and shudder. But I don't feel that way at all. That was me; it IS me. How can I forget her or have any malice toward her? She kept me alive for 40 years and I am grateful to her for her strength in the creation of the NEW me.

I don't want to forget the woman who made this list. If I do, I will lose myself and fail.

And she is a winner. Oh yeah! She is!