Making a list

I came across an old forgotten list yesterday. No heading, but I can guess the topic:

- Walk long distances
- Buy any clothes I want
- Not worry about width or strength of seats at concerts, movies, etc.
- Sit in a booth
- Cross my legs
- Sit on Erich's lap
- More energy
- Have people easily pass by me at my workstation
- Stand **UP** at concerts or just in general
- Never be embarrassed to be seen again

So let's take stock of these goals:

- Well, I officially walked a 5K but I certainly have walked farther than that, too. So I think that counts. It's funny that I put this at the top of the list...maybe it was because when I started exercising, I could only walk a few feet before wanting to stop due to the pain and breathlessness.

- It took me a long time to not think too much about the strength and width of seats before I sat down, but I don't too much anymore. The fear has lessened greatly.

- Every time I sit in a booth, I am happy. I think about how I once couldn't do that every time I climb into one. And I will sit in a booth everywhere if I can. 20+ years of answering "Table" to the question "Booth or table?" is o-v-e-r.

- I now cross my legs as a matter of comfort. It's how I prefer to sit. Unthinkable pre-op.

- I still feel odd sitting on Erich's lap but I love to do it. Just because I can.

- More energy is a given.

- This took a long time to get over as well. Until recently, I pushed my chair in when I sensed someone was about to walk behind me at work. But slowly, I'm understanding that it's no longer an issue.

- I can stand and rock out for an entire show then walk blocks and blocks back to my car. No sweat.

- I'm not embarrassed to be seen anywhere. Being in a bathing suit on a beach in the Dominican Republic went a long way towards easing that fear!

I guess I was brainstorming? Probably thinking of things to write about. Most likely these goals did become part of the history of this blog, as they became history in my life. I think it's safe to say I've accomplished them all with the exception of the second one. "Buying any clothes I want" isn't going to happen without skin-removal surgery which isn't going to happen without a winning lottery ticket. But if that's all I have to worry about then I'm good. And I do pretty well - last month I bought two size-10 dresses. I've decided to buy all my clothes at Sears now, since the sizing is obviously skewed as I am NOT a size 10. However, a label is a label! :)))

This list seems like it was created pretty early in my journey. So much has happened to me, it seems like a lifetime ago when I felt that way. Yet it also seems like yesterday. Some people, after they lose a lot of weight, say "I don't even know that person. She/he isn't me anymore." They shake their heads at their former selves and shudder. But I don't feel that way at all. That was me; it IS me. How can I forget her or have any malice toward her? She kept me alive for 40 years and I am grateful to her for her strength in the creation of the NEW me.

I don't want to forget the woman who made this list. If I do, I will lose myself and fail.

And she is a winner. Oh yeah! She is!