Monday, June 25, 2012

Ow! What's that?

Mystery pain. Is that what comes along with an active life?

For some unknown reason, my left ankle is a little hurty. Not recalling actually doing anything to bring on the pain, it's a mystery. Also, my right knee has been smarting since Friday night. I think that one has to do with being in a seated position too long, as Erich and I attended a banquet celebrating the 20th anniversary of the company where he works. Drinks, dinner, speeches, an "our company kicks ass" film...sitting too long tends to make my knees lock up a bit.

Often a random ache or pain will come and go quickly and that's cool. But these have been ongoing for a few days now, and frankly, it's getting on my nerves.

It's funny what you can get accustomed to. My pain levels fluctuated when I was 450 pounds, but it was also a constant - like background music. I learned to ignore it for the most part, and take any steps necessary to keep it at that Muzak status. I walked on eggshells for at about, oh, 25 years or so. And when the pain got so severe as to move to the lead-singer position, I stopped. Stopped life. Tried to move as little as possible.

But now I try to get on with it, even though I notice the lower pain levels more. We had a really busy weekend so I couldn't just stop. Saturday, I put a brace on my knee and we went to a friend's party during the day; a two-and-a-half-hour "ghost walk" that night. Sunday I wrapped my ankle, put my knee brace back on and went grocery shopping. Tonight, I did the same thing and went on my usual walk/jog...ok, walking this time. No jogging.

I'm pretty sure this pain would've had me laid up in bed for a couple of days when I was obese. The fear of it becoming worse - much worse - would've been that intense. I recall my back "going out" once shortly before I started losing weight and it just wouldn't heal. My fear was that I would never heal, that my weight had finally caught up with me and this was it. Wheelchair, bedridden, TLC coming to film them cutting me out of the house. Dramatic, maybe, but I also knew how scenarios like that got started. I remember sobbing to my mother over the phone about this. She tried to comfort me while also letting me know the solution to the fear - and the pain - was in my hands. Lose weight.

But I don't let the pain stop me anymore. I have shit to do and I need to move. No more stopping for me, unless the pain gets to the point where I know it needs to be dealt with by a professional. No, I'm not completely stupid! :p

Mystery pain went along with obesity, I knew that, but apparently it doesn't stop when you lose weight. It's just less vivid and we are more able to tolerate it because, well, we're strong now and kick ass.

I started the 5-Day Pouch Test today. I've done this "fast" several times and it does help get me back on track. I haven't done it since the first of the year - and then I did it half-assed - so I'm really throwing myself into it now. So far, so good. I'm not even really that hungry yet. Yet. LOL!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

My best time

Greetings fellow....people!

On Sunday, I spent father's day in London, Ontario participating in Prostate Cancer Canada's Father's Day 5K Walk/Run. It rained the night before and the entire morning, but by the time we took off, it stopped. Later on, the sun came out and all was right with the world. Running the entire 5K would've been ideal but I'm just not there yet. Not like I've trained super hard to do it, either. I ran when I could, walked when I couldn't.

I raised $510 for the cause and I'm pleased with that. All told, over a million dollars got poured into the coffers from races all over the country. So that's awesome.

Coming into the finish, I got the shock of my life when the clock said just over 47 minutes. We got a late start and I wasn't really sure how long I'd been gone. That time is not great, I know. But in October at the CIBC Run for the Cure, the 5K took me just over an hour to complete. So this is real progress and I'm proud of that sucky time! Erich was waiting for me at the finish line. He said he checked out the clock said to himself "Oh, I have 15 or 20 minutes to wait for her," then all of the sudden I was jogging towards him! Very cool to surprise him like that and make him proud.

Some pics from the race (click to enlarge):

Ready for the rain (ditched the poncho soon after this was taken):



Finish line!



I know my face is blood red but honest to god, I felt like a million bucks. My face reddens very easily under normal circumstances. The picture gave my mom a fright, though. LOL!



Back at the hotel after the race, we had the guy behind the counter take our pic:



I ordered those shirts we have on from Zazzle. Much better to deal with than Cafe Press, I'm just sayin'. And no, they didn't pay me to say that. I'm thinking of putting in another order after I came across this shirt. Too lame? Probably. Meh.

Last night, beautious bariatric blogger Beth Badore (a.k.a. Melting Mama) FINALLY appeared on ABC doing what she does best - shooting straight. Beth went to NYC weeks ago to film an interview with Deborah Roberts that was supposed to appear on an hour-long 20/20 special on weight loss. Ended up on the cutting room floor. Well, they resurrected the piece for Nightline and its story on alcohol addiction and weight-loss surgery (WLS).

The thing is, those of us who have had WLS possess addictive personalities. The tendency for some is to replace one addiction for another when food is taken out of the equation. Drugs and alcohol are easy new soulmates due to the re-plumbing we had via the surgery...we feel the effects faster. We get drunk faster and we sober up faster. And, as Beth so eloquently put it, "If you can't swallow chicken, you can swallow wine." Poultry, for non-WLS readers, is a notoriously rough food for patients to get down. Some can never eat it again - I can (thank goodness). Check out the video HERE.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Unanswered Prayers

What a funny thing life can be. Twists and turns that fate forces you to take oftentimes guide you onto the straightest path.

Not long ago, I found the Facebook profiles of two boys I was obsessed with in school. You might not believe this, but I was fairly boy crazy (was? Still am). I know, hard to imagine. You can stop laughing now. Anyway, most of the objects of my affection didn't give me the time of day in a "romantic" sense. I was the fat girl in school, after all. I had many friends and yes, a few boyfriends, but a few did get away. LOL! The boys - men now, I suppose - I found online looked much the same as they did when I thought I couldn't live without them. Just older. And I'm sure they are great guys with fabulous wives and families. Honestly, I wish them both the best. But I had to wonder: What would my life be like if I had gotten what I wanted?...Which was THEM, at the time.

My small town is full of couples who met in high school or even elementary school. There are those who have been together as long as I can remember, some from the moment we first wrote notes back and forth asking "Do you like me, circle yes or no?" And bless their hearts, I'm thrilled they're still together and happy. I couldn't make that work myself - my first husband and I were high-school sweethearts. But really, I have to be happy that I didn't get what I wanted.

What if I hadn't met Erich and been in a position to date him, then move to Ontario?

What if I had kids with my first husband, virtually tying me to him and the area where we grew up forever?

What if I'd never been bored - by myself with a husband who worked nights - and tuned into American Idol, seeing Bo Bice for the first time? What if I had been working (which I couldn't yet do in my new country) and hadn't had the time to immerse myself in his online community? You can mock me all you want, but being his fan and meeting the wonderful people I have, has changed my life for the better in immeasurable ways. Not the least of which is the desire to travel and LIVE - which spurred me to have the weight-loss surgery that saved my life.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when you are presented with two paths and one looks more overgrown and messy than the other, safer one...make the tough choice. The road less traveled is the one paved with gold. Life is supposed to be challenging. That's where the rewards are. Do this in every aspect of your life that you can and you'll be happier for it. I promise!

And learn to thank god for Unanswered Prayers.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Re-gain and re-run

It's hard to believe I am coming up on the 3-year anniversary of my surgery. So many changes and yet so many things are the same. My husband refers to July 7 as my "re-birthday"; I am one of those cheesy people who often consider new years (January 1, birthdays, anniversaries) as a chance to push the re-set button on whatever needs to be tweaked. This year, as I approach my re-birthday, I know what needs to be done.

This journey never ends, it just changes. For me, I am dealing with a bit of regain and of course that needs to be stopped in its tracks. I've been struggling with it since last fall, when something happened that made the already overwhelming stress in my life just a bit more of a vivid stoplight red. I won't go into that but I definitely recognized the pathological, comfortable reaction for me was to medicate with my old frenemy food. The good thing is that I did recognize it and it hasn't gotten completely out of hand, but I feel like I need to start over a little bit. So I'm going back to 2009 in a few ways. I'm re-reading my faithful blue binder that the awesome team at Henry Ford Hospital gave to me. I'm looking within myself and remembering the reasons I did this and how it would feel to go back. NO going back. Ever. I'm even thinking of heading back to the pool. It helped me so much back then and was so much fun. I stopped going because I couldn't really afford a gym membership and pool time, but my gym membership is dirt cheap now so I'm going back into the water.

Complacency is an addict's worst enemy. So many of us get to goal and feel a fucked-up sense of entitlement, of "I'm thin now, so I can eat what I want." No, you can't. If the reformed drinker or smoker says that, the shit hits the fan. No different with me. Having said that, I have no desire to be a food Nazi. Life is more than 1200 calories a day, no sugar, no carbs, no fun. I can't just stop eating, so finding the sweet spot (no pun intended) can be difficult. So since last fall, I've lost some and gained, lost some and gained. I'm losing again at the moment and I'm determined to not let this shit beat me down.

Enough of that! Other topics:

Even three years out, I still struggle sometimes to remember that I've lost weight and people don't see me the way they did before the surgery. In some situations, my first reaction is to think about how humiliating an experience will be based on others' reaction to my presence. That's a very tough thing to overcome. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will.

Not too long ago I went to see singer/songwriter Levi Weaver at a so-called "house show". Literally, someone opens up their home to musicians and people come to feel the music. Levi is popular with some of my friends but I had never seen him perform live. Now, the thought of me going to someone's house and not knowing anyone at all in the room was more than a little terrifying. A bigger venue I can handle. It was the size of the "crowd" that got to me. What if there isn't room for me? I take up too much space, right? No one will talk to me. Who wants to talk to me?? Sometimes I feel like there's a voice in my head like the psycho mom in Carrie: "They're all gonna laugh at you!!" But I took a deep breath and remembered that I. Will. Be. Fine. I got great support from my friends and went. And it was awesome. Levi was wonderful, both offstage and on, and the whole thing made me wonder what I was so worried about. I discovered yet another thing that is no big deal. Just do it.

Erich and I celebrated our 11th anniversary at a dinner theatre/all-suite hotel in Mississauga called Stage West. Again, something I wouldn't have attempted before. I just would've felt very out of place in a setting like that. The seating would've freaked me out. Navigating my way through the tables would've been enough to keep me home. But it was a very nice time and we both loved the food, the play and the hotel. We got a great, GREAT deal so it's probably not something we would do again.

This time next week, I will have completed my second official 5K (I do them in the gym all the time but no one's counting those...LOL) when I go to London (Ontario...don't get too excited) and participate in the Father's Day Walk/Run for Prostate Cancer. Last fall, I did the CIBC Breast Cancer 5K in memory of my Aunt Betty and also to support all the other victims and caregivers of the disease. This time, I'm walking for my own father. My dad was only 49 when he was diagnosed and thanks to early detection, he is still with us today. I can't be with him next Sunday so this is my way of linking us together over the miles. I am fund-raising for this event - if you can, please click this link and give me, my dad, and all those touched by prostate cancer your support. I will do the breast cancer 5K again this year, but will not fund-raise for it. I figure one race a year is enough to bug people for money - and trust me, IT'S HARD to get people to donate to anything. Much harder than I expected! The rest of the year, I will do more 5Ks if I find them, but won't fund-raise.

I still can't run a 5K. My knees are pretty much bone on bone, so damaged from the arthritis that came about from my life of morbid obesity. But I wear braces on both knees and get on with it. And the other night, I ran more than I ever have and it was a pretty awesome feeling. I did a 5K at the gym yesterday and shaved about 10 minutes off the time I put up at the breast cancer race last October. So I feel good about that. I no longer wonder if I can finish; I just want my best time.

More stuff to get off my chest but that'll come later, maybe tomorrow. I don't want to write too long of a book here! I love you guys and thanks so much for all your kind wishes and support.