The 'normal trip' - part three

After having some dinner at the Mexican place, we all decided to go to the Opryland Hotel to see their Christmas lights display. Even as we approached it from the highway, we could see we were in for a real treat! It was gorgeous. We were told later on that there are two million lights - workers begin putting them out in July or August. It was a wonderful nightcap to the day's, and weekend's, festivities. Everyone was already so happy to be together and this was just the icing on the cake. It's a special time of the year to be with good friends!

(Click all thumbnails to enlarge):






While we were looking at the nativity scene and snapping pictures, a young man approached me and asked me to take a photo of him and his wife (or girlfriend, whatever). I obliged. Laura said "Look at you, all approachable!" LOL! I have found that to be true. Strangers smile at me more now and say hello. I'm not sure if it's because I'm different externally, that is, more 'pleasing to the eye' or something like that, or if it's something that's changed internally and makes me seem more congenial. It's probably a combination of both.

A lot of people have told me they've never seen me smile so much. That I seem so happy and confident. Even my mother said this to me recently. I responded "Really? So many people say that. I don't think I was that unhappy before - it's not like I never smiled." But she said it's different now. I guess I buy that....again, my brain hasn't caught up with everything that's happened to me yet. I think I've changed, unconsciously, in ways I can't grasp yet but that is perhaps visible on my face and in my eyes. If so, that's cool.

I was by myself at Opryland at one point, taking photos right in front of the hotel, and a guy walking past stopped, smiled at me and asked "You want me to take your picture?" Well, knock me over with a feather. WHAT?? I'm so not used to shit like this. I told him 'sure' and handed him my camera. "Ohhh, that's nice," he said and got this shot. It's a little dark & blurry, but that's ok.



The inside of the hotel was decorated beautifully as well, and we walked all over the place exploring. I can't explain to you how freeing it is to be able to walk. That's all. Just walk. The mobility is amazing to me and is the biggest change I can think of after all of this, even more so than anything externally. I just walked and walked, taking photo after photo.









I thought Bill and Paris were in front of me at one point but they were not. Next thing I know, I hear "CINNNNDDYYYYY!!!!" It's them, yelling and waving at me from halfway across the botanical garden skywalk. I went back over to them and Bill said "We can't keep up with YOU now!" LOL! I honestly thought they were in front of me and I was just going to keep walking all the way around the skywalk. Without even thinking about it.

We'd bought some tickets to take a horse and carriage ride earlier and it was time to head back outside before the ride closed. Paris first mentioned wanting to go on them and I said "Yeah, I want to, too!" I knew this was something I never would've attempted a year ago and would be another 'hey-I-can-do-this' moment for me. How fun to experience it with some of my best friends! A year ago, I would've felt too sorry for the horse; I never would've been able to get up into the carriage; and the seats would've been too small for anyone to sit beside me. I was still hesitant of the seat size, since they wanted 4 of us in the carriage at once, 2 on each side.

"Oh...those seats are small," I said. My friends assured me it would be fine, and it was. Nancy climbed in first and when I sat beside her, we had plenty of room. I felt so good and so NORMAL sitting in that carriage. I never, ever would've done that a year ago. As I said in my last blog, I've always tried to never put myself in situations where I'd become embarrassed, so I just would've made some excuse like 'I don't like horses' or 'I need to make a phone call'. Something to get me out of it. I loved it and would've went on another ride if there had been time!

Nancy and me in the carriage:


As the evening drew to a close, we met up with some more good friends and wandered around outside a little longer, admiring the lights. The end of the weekend was approaching and it was a bittersweet time.

I slept pretty well that night but woke up very early. I decided to go downstairs and try to print out my boarding pass. I ran into a few other fan club members on their way home. We exchanged hugs and it was a reminder that yeah, things were coming to a close.

Later on, we all met some friends at a Cracker Barrel near the airport. There were about a dozen of us and we clearly didn't want this trip to end; we stood outside for a good half hour taking pictures, hugging and crying as we all said goodbye to one another.



As I was on the plane coming home that evening, I reflected on everything this trip meant to me. It was wonderful to see old friends and meet some new ones; to hear and see Bo again; and to find myself, to find my life. I've had a hell of a year and I can't think of a more perfect way to celebrate my life. I always treasured my trips before but now they will be extra special because I know what I was missing before: The effortless joy that comes with life. As The Man himself says - "Life should be a journey for your heart." Well, now I feel like mine is, finally. I feel more at peace than I ever have and I owe it all to Bo, my friends and ME. I'm the one who chose this journey and I think I'm most grateful to ME! I have arrived at a very good place. My own heart.

The 'normal trip' - part two

Yeah so I was lying there in bed crying and thinking about everything that had already happened to me on this trip. I did finally drift off to sleep but I slept fitfully and had a very, ah, interesting dream. I dreamed that I was all alone at The Rutledge, where the fan club Christmas party was to be held, and Bo walked up on the stage and sang 'Valley of Angels'. Now, this is bizarre because I don't really like that song. It's probably one of my least favorite Bo songs. So I have no idea why I'd dream that! My strange little brain.

I woke up with an awful headache, brought on by a lack of food (I'd had about three bites at dinner the night before), rainy weather (my sinuses were exploding) and lack of sleep. But the thing is I can't take meds on an empty stomach; and even after I eat, I have to wait 30 mins. to an hour to drink...only then can I take any meds. Food. Now.

We decided to forego the carb free-for-all at the 'breakfast buffet' in the hotel lobby in favor of a Waffle House practically next door. I was grateful because I really need a lot of protein in my diet and can't just have a stack of waffles or a bowl of cereal for breakfast anymore. The W.H. ham & cheese omelet plus bacon was just what the dr. ordered. I got to talking with an employee at the W.H. and told her why we were all in town. She not only knew who Bo Bice was but said he used to come in there all the time. She said they often get celebrities in there and they put them in the back so people won't disturb them. Awwwww, we ate at Bo's Waffle House! Hee. We all got our orders and took them back to the hotel because well, most people can't fit into a booth at a Waffle House. Bo, yes. But he's a petite little guy! I was starving and ate almost all my omelet, my bacon and a few bites of hash browns.

It was nice to take our time getting ready to go to the party. We arrived at The Rutledge around 1:30 for the 2 p.m. party. There were lots of hugs as everyone lined up outside the door in order of the number on their ticket. They didn't let us in till about 2:20 and I really didn't even feel the wait. There was a time when I came to the conclusion that I'd have to give up going to see Bo simply because I couldn't bear to stand in line or stand up at the shows. No more! We got glimpses of Bo, his very pregnant wife Caroline and Bart as they arrived at the club. Bo looked stunning and I have to tell you, I caught my breath and held it till he was out of sight them let out a WHOOP! Man alive!! It had been a while and though it didn't seem possible, he looked even better than I remembered.

When we finally got inside, we passed a table with items Bo had available for auction (all proceeds to go to charity), the merch table (which I never got around to looking at...damn) and a great little buffet he had catered in for us. We all had lunch and spent a long time visiting with each other, taking pictures and laughing, talking. At this point, these trips/shows are as much about being with each other than they are about seeing Bo. We adore him and treasure every note that comes out of his mouth or passes through his fingertips on the guitar, but we also adore each other. We are family. No other way to say it.

My ticket number was pretty high since I didn't make the decision to go till later on in the game. I ended up in the very back of the venue, up against the back wall. I got my pout on, lemme tell ya. I was really disappointed. Then Saint Bill came back there and said "You really don't think I'm gonna let you sit back here all by yourself, do you?" He somehow made room for me at his table with our good friends Paris and Nancy. I was thrilled to be able to enjoy the performance with them.

I didn't spend a whole lot of time in my seat before Bo came out. I was too busy flitting around from table to table and visiting with my friends! It didn't occur to me until later that I didn't NEED to sit down. This is all really awesome and life-changing. In the past, I've sometimes parked myself and waited for people to wander by. Not this time - I am proactive now. Passivity is SO last year. ;-)

I'd be lying if I didn't say it was nice to hear all the compliments people were giving me! It's gratifying to see people's faces when they first look at me. It totally cracks me up. When I look in the mirror, I don't see that I've changed that much but of course I have - I can see it in pictures. And I don't hear the "WOW!!" stuff a lot because people see me every day. The changes are more subtle. So it's cool to hear that from time to time. It motivates me to continue and reminds me that I've really accomplished something.

Bo Bice can sing. No, he can really sing. My god, the power and emotion in that voice of his just kills me. I've listened to him in many different formats over the past nearly 5 years (5! Years!) and I never get used to it. It's amazing. He could sing the ABCs and, if he wanted to, would have you lying in a pool of mush at the end.

Silent Night (video by Joan):


There was one part during 'Silent Night' when I just closed my eyes and let his voice envelop me and the whole room. Incredible stuff. It was so good to hear him, see him perform again. It nearly moved me to tears. I know, I know...the non-Bo fans think I'm insane. Yeah, well maybe I am. But I wouldn't change a thing! He also sang 'Happy Christmas/War Is Over' and that about did me in! I love John Lennon and that song is a favorite of mine.

After the performance, more visiting ensued as we all waited our turn at the meet & greet. I watched my friend Nancy talking with Bo and it so moved me. Nancy had a stroke earlier this year and we made it a Family Project to get her and the awesome Paris to Nashville for this party. It was so worth it. I'm so thankful that she is ok and watching her talking with Bo was very sweet and emotional. Bo cares about his fans in a way I've never heard of another artist doing. It's something to see.

Now, soooo many people had said to me 'Wait till Bo sees you!' I knew it would be anti-climatic because Bo doesn't have a clue who I am! LOL! He did get to the point where he knew my face, I believe. In fact, he even apologized to me once for not remembering my name. Bo seems to be one of those people who remembers faces but has trouble with names. But he sees a LOT of people. And I hadn't seen him since Aug. of 2008. There is no way he's going to remember me. And that's fine. I'm totally ok with that. He is getting better with some names, though - those who frequent his shows a whole lot and others who have been brought to his attention in some special way. Which is awesome! He gave a shout out to some during the performance and I know it meant the world to them.

So when it was my turn, I walked up to him and pulled out a little gift I'd got for him and his wife. An ornament with his second son's name, Caleb, on it. He oohed and ahhed over it appropriately and gave me a little hug of thanks. I had something all planned out that I wanted to say to him but of course goober'ed out and said something completely stupid instead. He turned me for a picture, I got another little squeeze and that was pretty much it....or so I thought! My friend Deb appeared out of nowhere and said "And that's 150 lbs. less of Cindy there!" He said "Well, you look beautiful." Ahhhh...Bo Bice just told me I looked beautiful. I don't even care if he can't put two and two together and figure out who I am or if that was just a nice-guy response when someone tells you the person in front of you has lost 150 lbs. It felt good to hear! LOL!

Pics of the fleeting moment with the man (thanks Laura for most of these!-click to enlarge):




I got another moment with him later though. As he was leaving, indeed being physically dragged out of there by his security guy, I walked up to him. I said "I had something I wanted to say to you earlier." He looked at me and took my hand. He leaned in close to me and as we're both walking along, my hand still in his, I whispered in his ear "Being your fan has meant so much to me and has changed my life forever. I just wanted you to know that and to thank you. Just...thank you so much."

He pulled me to him for a second (I count this as a hug...LOL) and I felt something brush against my cheek. He said "Bless your heart, thank YOU so much." He went on up the ramp towards the back exit, looked back and said "You change our lives every day." Now. That brush against my cheek? I was sure, POSITIVE, that it was a kiss. But now I think I may have been delusional and maybe it was just his hair. I dunno. It all happened so fast.

But I really wanted to tell him that. I've written before about how I firmly believe that wanting the energy and mobility to go to these shows was the final catalyst that made me have this surgery. I think I owe him a lot for that. And I felt really good after telling him. I know he's heard that before from other fans but I believe he still likes to hear it and never gets tired of it.

After Bo left, we all left! Several of us went to a Mexican place next door to The Rutledge for dinner. The entrance to the restaurant was up a pretty steep hill that would've stopped me cold a year ago. But that night, I looked up and thought "If I'm going to get winded on this trip, this is it. This is where it'll happen." So I walked. And felt nothing. No pain in my knees or back, no pulling for my breath. I was really happy when I got to the top and looked back down. HAH!

Ok, this is turning into a novel. But I really want to record my thoughts on this trip for myself if for no other reason. I hope I'm not boring you guys! We're gonna have a third part.

Next up: Opryland, strangers, lights, trees and horses, OH MY!

The 'normal' trip - part one

On the Bo fan boards, we sometimes post recaps of our time with him and each other. This is kinda my Nashville recap.

SATURDAY:

I mentioned before how I was nervous to get on the plane. Well, imagine that turning to full-blown terror when I saw the tiny little puddle jumper I had to climb onto! But I made it down the aisle without having to turn sideways, so that gave me some hope. My seat was in the very back and I arrived to it first. There were two seats on each side of the plane. So I scooted into my window seat and looked around me a bit. Hm. Ok, so maybe I can wedge myself into this seat, I'm thinking to myself. I try to get my seat belt on but it won't go around me. Still need the extender. But I don't seem to be spilling over into the other seat much. A young, tiny little thing meets my eyes as she's about halfway down the aisle. Ah. This must be my seat companion. Sure is. She smiles weakly at me then sits, scooting as far away from me as she can. She's practically hanging out into the aisle, wanting to speak to the flight attendant. She wants to move. Now. Ok, fine whatever. I kinda shake my head - 'Cin, you've lost 160 lbs., but you're still the fat chick to people who didn't know what you looked like before.' Again, ok. No problemo. The plane's not full. So she moves.

I'm still interested in my surroundings. I put the armrest down. Hey! I put the tray down in front of me. Hey! I turn geek and take pics of the armrest and tray. LMAO! This is a revelation to me. When I get my seat belt extender, I spend a few seconds with the belt on, the tray & armrest all down. I fit in this seat like a normal person (save the belly hangover). Still, if someone my size wanted to sit next to me, we'd be getting pretty familiar. But it's all good.

Proof for super-geekdom (click to enlarge):

Armrest down!

Tray down!

Drinks and corn chips are served. After a bit, the flight attendant goes down the aisle and asks everyone if they'd like some more...everyone except me. Again, this is all stuff I'm used to dealing with and I was actually sort of amused that it happened yet again, even after I've lost so much weight. And again...she just thought I was some fat chick and I didn't need any more freakin' chips. And she WAS correct. I guess it'll keep me from getting a big head, right? LOL!

We were told that we'd have to disembark down some stairs and onto the runway at the Nashville airport. Ohhh man. The last time I had to do that, on a flight from Columbus, OH to Tampa, FL back in 2004, the freakin' staircase MOVED when I stepped on it. I was mortified for a moment that I'd actually break the damn thing. I was really embarrassed. So I was curious to see what would happen this time. I gingerly stepped down onto the first step and it felt solid. I still took the steps one at a time because I was nervous about just bounding down them like everyone else did, but it was fine. No movement, everything cool. I had to do this again coming back to Toronto and did the bounding thing that time. Again, no movement from the stairs. Nice.

When I got to Nashville, my flight was listed as landing much later than it actually did, so my friends weren't ready for me. I literally walked past them then around and right up to them before they noticed me. We all had a laugh and hugs all around. It was good to see everyone.

My mobility now has totally changed my life. For the first time that I can remember, I didn't need to sit in the front seat of a vehicle and gladly climbed in the back of both my friend Laura's car and the rental van we picked up later on that day. We went shopping at Target and I wandered around not even thinking about how much I was walking. Nothing hurts. Nothing aches. I don't get winded and I'm not sweating like a whore in church anymore.

After picking up the rental van and our friends Paris and Nancy from the airport, we all decided to take a nap. Another first - I wasn't worried about being embarrassed because of my sleep apnea-induced snoring. I fell asleep instead of fighting it like I normally would. Woke up FREEZING to death. Again, not normal. LOL! We cranked up the heat in our room. When I was packing for this trip, I considered taking one of my battery-operated fans before I realized that I don't get hot like I used to and probably wouldn't need it. I have a plethora of little fans all over the place that I don't need anymore.

Saturday night, we headed downtown for dinner and to take in a show at BB Kings - Bo's guitar player, Bart Walker, was playing in the house band there. We had dinner at Pearl and they gave us our own little private room. There were over 30 of us there, someone said. It was so good to see everyone and get some long-overdue hugs and love. My friend Bill made me cry when I first arrived, as I knew he would. I love that guy to death and can't imagine why some lucky woman hasn't snapped him up. My friend Susan forced the waterworks to continue. Susan has lost a lot of weight herself and we were just so happy we could hug, get our arms around each other! *whew* It was going to be an emotional weekend!

I sat at the back of the room along the wall, facing the entryway. There was a small aisle to walk down and I didn't think anything about it then, but when the room started to fill up and, after dinner when I needed to go to the bathroom, my first thought was 'I can't get down that aisle. I'm screwed.' But I really needed to get to the bathroom. My food wasn't going down well at all and I had to get out of there. So I attempted it and made my way down that narrow aisle pretty well. Susan stopped me and said 'Look at you, you never would've been able to do that before.' She was very right.

After dinner we made our way to BB Kings just down the street. I'm very aware of being 'in the way'. I'm used to taking up a lot of space and it being an inconvenience to everyone around me. I hate just standing around someplace crowded. It bothers me a lot because I think I'm in the way. I've had a lot of rude comments thrown at me in crowds so I'm gun shy. I want to get to a seat and get out of the way. It's just the way I think. Well, BB Kings was totally packed. I was like 'Oh shit.' Not comfortable. But eventually we did get a table and I started enjoying the show. The band was great, Bart was awesome and we got invaded by about 50 R- and NC-17-rated Santa Clauses. LOL! It was pretty fun.

I had talked on Bo's message board about 'letting my freak flag fly' at BB Kings. Well, Susan took me seriously and got me up to dance. I haven't been on a dance floor since....high school? Maybe a few times in my 20s but mostly to slow dance if at all. I was at a high school dance once and some boys started laughing their asses off at me. So that pretty much stopped that shit cold right there. It wasn't my high school and those guys didn't know me (that never would've happened at my school), but still. Stuff like that stays with you, unfortunately. But Susan and I took to the floor and got our groove on. I've been told there are pics and video of it but I haven't seen them yet, thank god. LOL!

I have tried really hard in my life to never put myself in situations where I might be ridiculed; where I would be hurt or uncomfortable. I protect myself fiercely in that way and have put a lot of energy into it. Years ago, I would sit at a bar and watch people laughing and pointing at other 'heavier' girls letting it all hang out and I would shake my head. I admired them for not seeming to care or notice that they were the focus of the joke but I couldn't imagine subjecting myself to that. I let some of that go Saturday night and lemme tell you, walking out there on that dance floor wasn't easy. But I did it and I feel all the better for it. So thank you Susan, for coming back to my table and forcing me to let my freak flag fly!

After I got back to my hotel and we'd all went to bed, I found myself crying and couldn't stop. Everything that I'd been through that day sort of fell on my head, through my heart and up out of my eyes, I guess. So many things that people take for granted. I was so grateful that I'd decided to cast reason aside and come on this trip so I could experience all this. It was important for me to go through it, I think. To realize that I can do all this stuff and be happy, normal. I lay there thinking about the party the next day and seeing Bo again - it sure would be good to have a decent picture of him and me!

Next up: SUNDAY and party time!

Follow Your Dreams

It is sometimes wiser to follow the dreams of your heart than the logic of your mind. - Liesl Vasquez

This is a quote in a little book my good friend Jacci gave me last weekend. The book is called "Follow Your Dreams" and is chock full of inspiration. The line above gave me particular pause for its succinct and dead-on delivery of what I feel like I've been doing this past year. For most of my life, the 'logic of my mind' has told me I can't lose this weight, I can't move, I can't do this or that, on and on. I grew to accept that I wouldn't ever be able to do the things a 'normal' person can. I had it so entrenched in my psyche that I sometimes still forget what my new body will allow me to do. My brain has not caught up with my body and that will certainly take some time, I understand that.

The most faraway dream of my heart has always been to be at a healthy, normal weight. I am someone who hit 200 lbs. in 6th grade; I don't have any real experience being at a normal body size. As I got bigger and bigger, that dream just seemed that much more impossible to achieve. Losing 50 pounds seems do-able; 244 just makes you want to go have another brownie.

It took a lot for me to finally make the wise decision to have this surgery and save my own life. Wise for ME, anyway. Everyone has to make their own choices about this sort of thing and I know surgery was the right one for me. But I will advise anyone who asks me, anyone who's reading this now: Don't let anyone talk you into or out of anything. Do the research, weigh (pardon the pun) the pros and cons with regard to how it will relate to YOUR life, and make the decision on your own. It's not the easy way out and there are risks involved here.

But following the dreams of our hearts, despite what our logical mind tells us is unreachable, makes sense when you realize that most great accomplishments begin with someone laughing to themselves, saying 'There's no way. It can't be done.' Ah, but it CAN. It happens every day. Logic has no place in dreams. I'm going to try and remember that.

I went to Nashville last weekend to be with some wonderful friends and my 'imaginary rock star boyfriend' as a lot of us refer to Bo Bice. ;-) It was a huge, thrilling adventure from the moment I stepped on that tiny plane and managed to wedge myself into one seat - armrests and tray down, thank you very much (still needed the seat belt extender though; my stomach will be there till some fabulous surgeon removes it one day). There is a lot to say about the trip. A whole lot of firsts and 'a-ha!' moments that brought me to tears more than once as I realized that I have my life now. I really have my life. I am still getting settled after coming home but I intend to write a helluva blog this weekend! It's been too long since my last entry. I have been very busy with holiday & Nashville-trip preparations.

And I finally got that updated pic with Bo (click to enlarge):

I stepped on the scale today worrying that I'd gained weight on my trip to find that I have lost 6 lbs. since Friday. I'm not sure why! I did do quite a bit of walking, but not too terribly much. But I'll take it. Current weight: 279. Total lost: 165.

Randomness

Some things on my mind this morning include:

- I notice as I'm Christmas shopping that for the first time, it's very hard not to shop for myself! I can wear clothes in just about any store at this point so inevitably I find myself wandering over to the plus size dept. and finding some cute top or something. This has never been a problem in the past and it's becoming a problem. LOL!

- Why is that when you call a corporate customer service line, the person you speak to never speaks proper English? I can barely understand most of them. They should have a choice like 'press 5 for someone who speaks English'. This is annoying to me. I don't think I'm alone.

- As I've told you guys, I got my ears pierced last month. Well, as expected, they aren't healing properly. The right one especially. What the hell is that all about? Every other female on earth has pierced ears but I guess some 'god of piercing' has decided that I can't. It's frustrating. And it's gotten so bad that I was watching a commercial this morning featuring one of those starving children in Africa and the child had gold hoops in her ears....I'm thinking 'Come on. In all that filth and her ears healed just fine? WTF?'

- I'm starting to get noticed by guys. This is odd. In the past, if someone hit on me it made me wonder what was wrong with them. But now I'm starting to think maybe some guy is smiling at me because maybe I'm looking ok? I dunno. It's a weird thing that I've only experienced for a few short months when I was 'normal' in my late teens. Just the other day I was out and some guy stood near me and didn't move till I looked at him then he smiled and said 'Hi'. Ummmm....hi. I got the fuck outta there. Scared the shit outta me. I'm glad I'm not single so I don't have to navigate this particular minefield. LOL!

- It takes me so long to get dressed in the morning. I pull things out of my closet that I could wear a couple of months ago and they have passed me by - hanging on me and looking like crap. This is a good thing but it's frustrating. All the neckholes in my shirts are too big. What's up with that? If I can find a shirt in the morning that doesn't gap at the top & show my bra then it's a good day. *eyeroll*

- My body is soooo different now. I have protruding shoulder blades, collar bones and hipbones. I am sometimes fascinated by my bones. LOL! I run my hand over my shoulder and am just like 'wow....cool'.

- I have this weird red splotch on my neck that looks like King Kong has given me a hickey. It itches and hurts and looks like I've let Erich play True Blood with me. Embarrassing! Don't know what the hell that's all about.

- I have to get on a plane in two weeks' time. I'm going to Nashville for Bo's fan club Christmas party and two shows. Thank god for air miles and good friends or my ass would be planted in Canada! But I'm concerned about the seat. I only bought one instead of my usual two and I'm still nervous about fitting into it. Erich insists that I'm insane but I can't help it. I'm also worried about the tray not going down in front of me. It never has before. I know...I'm 153 lbs. lighter. But my ass and stomach are still right there, pretty damn big. I may need a valium before I board.

- I think there should be a security guard at the gym to make sure people wipe the machines down after they use them. Ladies, this is disgusting. Your mama brought you up better than that, I know it. Ugh. I've seen people just moving from one machine to the next, no wiping it down. Now I wipe down before and after I use the equipment. Again, ugh.

I'm sure I'll think of more stuff later but I gotta get to work! My strange brain....

Time to make the donuts

I had said last weekend that I was going to try a few recipes from The World According to Eggface blog (see link at left) because I FINALLY found some key ingredients when I went to upstate NY to visit friends recently. Well, I made several of them over the past week with pretty good results.

First up - sugar-free fudge! I was anxious to try this; I used my chocolate peanut butter protein powder instead of the mint chocolate she used. It was good but not sweet. Like, who wants fudge that isn't sweet? At all? It just tasted like it was missing sugar (duh). So I tried it again and added 1/4 cup of Splenda and another tablespoon of the Torani syrup. Ahhhh...sweet, chocolate-y goodness! The texture isn't quite the same as "regular" fudge, but it's a good substitute when you can't have the real thing. Recipe: http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/2009/11/fabulous-fudge.html

Then I tried her tortilla pizza on low-carb wraps. Pretty standard stuff, just sugar-free marinara sauce (I used Classico), a few pepperoni slices and some cheese. Yummy. I sprayed a cookie sheet with Pam and baked for about 10 mins. Freakin' AWESOME. Recipe: http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/2008/12/its-pizza-porn-time.html

I also made the cottage cheese pancakes. Yes, cottage cheese. I didn't do the caramel apple ones shown on the link. I just made plain pancakes - that is, I left out the apple and used vanilla pudding mix instead of butterscotch. These are so great. But they are VERY tender, so you have to make them small if you try it. I just topped a couple with sugar-free maple syrup and it was divine. Recipe: http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/2008/04/caramel-apple-pancakes.html

And finally - the DONUTS I owe this recipe to Bill, because he pointed me in the direction of a mini donut pan after I looked forever for one! Again, there is no sugar and no sugar substitute in her recipe. I'm scratching my head over this but hey....I played it safe this time and just added a 1/4 cup Splenda to the mix right away. I glazed them with sugar-free Hershey's chocolate bars and Smucker's sugar-free caramel ice cream topping (both available in Canada) plus some crushed peanuts and unsweetened coconut. These are REALLY good. I highly recommend them! Thank you Eggface ;-) Recipe: http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/2009/06/its-national-donut-day.html

I hit a new milestone on Friday with a loss of 5 lbs. to bring my total to 153 gone so far. I've lost over 150 pounds...that's a little bit surreal. The most I'd ever lost before in all my years of dieting was about 80 pounds. Of course, I gained all that back plus a lot more. I got my hair cut as my reward, complete with bangs. My hair is so thin now since it's been falling out so I figured it was a good time to go shorter. The hair loss is slowing down now, I might point out. Pre-ops, don't freak out about that - it's a temporary thing. I'm now getting about half the amount of hair in my brush every day that I used to get (which was handfuls of the stuff).

My stepdaughter Ericha is a hair stylist, so I had her come over and do the cut. She was hesitant about giving me bangs because she knows me. LOL! I do not like to mess with my hair. I don't own a curling iron or straightener and I don't know how to "roll brush"....she had to explain to me what that term even means, ok? I'm just not into the whole 'I'm a girl' primping routine. I never have been. Since my hair is wavy, I do like to use a diffuser while I'm blow drying (sometimes), but that's the extent of Cindy's hair knowledge. She even asked me right before she cut them 'So we're doing the bangs?' just to make sure. LOL! I told her to go ahead. Not sure that was a good idea.

To me, they look awful. I don't know what to do with them, so I'm pulling them back for now. I do like the shorter cut, though. Going shorter always just makes my hair curlier, meaning it looks good with even less effort. Score. The bangs I'll have to feel out.

Current weight: 291. 280s, here I come. :)

A day in the life

I've had people ask me what I eat, what supplements I take, how much I drink, exercise, etc., etc. So here are the fascinating details of a typical day in Cindyland.

I get up at 7:30 and have a glass of water. Since I don't have to be at work till 10:00, I normally like to start eating by at least 8:30. Gastric bypass patients are supposed to wait 30 mins. before and after eating to drink - we want our pouch filled with food (i.e., nutrition) and not water. Most mornings, I have one scrambled egg and a slice of bacon. Sometimes I'll throw in half an English muffin smeared with some sugar-free jam but not often. I have to eat slowly, trying to wait about two minutes between each bite. This is why it takes me about a half hour to eat. But if I'm done by 9, then by 9:30, when I have to leave for work, I can take my liquid calcium and liquid glucosamine before I leave then tote the supplements I take in pill form with me.

When I get to my desk at work, I start drinking water and taking my supplements. A multivitamin, ursodiol, maybe my biotin tablet. All spaced at least five minutes apart to avoid nausea. (I'll explain all these supplements at the end.) These days, I get hungry more often and will sometimes have a handful of nuts around 11 or 11:30 - I keep a small container of them at my desk. I go to lunch at 1 p.m.

Lunch often involves leftovers from the night before. Now, sometimes I eat what I cook for Erich and sometimes I can't (steak or chicken breast doesn't agree with me very well). I'm not going to deprive him of the things I can't eat so I will often make two dinners, one for me and one for him. But things like meatloaf, Hamburger Helper (don't judge), bbq chicken thighs - yes, I'll take those with me. Protein-dense soups like Chunky beef or sirloin also work. I might eat 1/2 cup of that plus a few crackers and a wedge of cheese. A couple times I've hit the drive thru at Wendy's for a jr. cheeseburger - I take the bun off the bottom because too much bread makes me feel heavy and nauseous. It's ok - we don't have to eat like nuns for the rest of our lives. Compared to what I used to eat at Wendy's (a double with bacon & cheese, large fries, maybe a "side" order of chicken nuggets plus a large diet Coke - I did this a few times a week maybe) this is progress. I don't feel guilty. And that single little cheeseburger fills me up for the rest of the day.

After lunch, I wait 30 mins. and start drinking again. At that time, I will take my iron tablet and B-12 (I take B-12 every other day since my levels are quite high). We are told to wait two hours between calcium and iron supplements, so that's why I wait till lunch to take the iron. Lots of clock watching.

When I get home from work, sometimes I'm a little hungry again. Physical hunger is slowly returning to me as the months go by. I understand this is normal and everything but it's a little scary. I think all gastric bypass patients are terrified of hunger, of returning to their old way of eating. But the thing is, even if I'm starving I can't eat very much. My pouch won't let me. I get full and satisfied with very little. My brain tells me I need to eat 3 plates of food, out of habit, but my body will put the brakes on at about 3/4 to one cup. So when I get home I will have a half an apple with a bit of peanut butter or something. Maybe a protein shake if I'm going to the gym. I'm really working on the protein since my hair is in sad, dire shape.

If it's a gym day - Monday, Wednesday, Friday - I go and do 30 mins. on the treadmill and 20 mins. of strength training. I also try to hit the gym at least one weekend day. I skip the strength training then but up the cardio to 45 minutes - typically a mile on the treadmill and 3 on the stationary bike. I've tried the elliptical. Evil. Bad.

Dinner is like I described above. I try to make things we can both eat but sometimes I can't. I'll make him a big steak and myself a fish fillet then a side dish we can both enjoy like mashed potatoes or something. I sneak in a veggie when I can (Erich is not a fan, either). I can eat potatoes in pretty much any form but rice and pasta give me trouble sometimes. When I was in NY last weekend, I ate spaghetti for the first time in a few months. I was a little scared because the last time I tried it, it came back up but ahhhhhhhh......not this time!! And I do love my Italian food. And again, after dinner I wait 30 mins. then start drinking. At that time I will take my 2nd multivitamin, calcium and ursodiol doses of the day.

If I'm having a rough day and things aren't going down well (i.e., I have to throw up) then I drink some Eater's Digest tea and it settles my stomach. When I feel a bit better I go back to my old standby - whole wheat crackers and peanut butter or cheese - just to get some calories/nutrients down. I keep the tea at work and always have some on hand at home. I don't have problems like this as often as I used to, though.

So there you have it! That's what a typical day for me is like. I have to put thought into everything I put in my mouth. It's becoming second nature at this point though, especially all the clock watching. The main thing I still have trouble with is chewing things into oblivion. I have to really pay attention to that or the pouch will get pissed off.

I lost two lbs. last week - 295. One pound away from 150 lbs. total lost. I think I will get a haircut for my reward. Still looking for boots. Sigh. I have a feeling I won't be able to find any until I reach my goal weight.

I'm going to see New Moon in a few hours! EEEEEE!!!! Plus I'm going shopping for a few ingredients I need to try out some Eggface recipes, now that I found some stuff missing in Canada when I was in NY. I intend to try her protein-packed, sugar-free fudge, donuts, pancakes and tortilla pizzas. I'll let you know how it goes.

Information on supplements:
Equate (Walmart brand) Century Plus multivitamin (2/day)
Ursodiol - prescription med meant to calm the gallbladder - stopped 6 mo. post op. (2/day)
Life (Shopper's Drug Mart brand) Liquid Calcium (1000 mg. - 2 doses/day)
Swiss Natural Sources B-12 (1 every other day)
Nature's Bounty Gentle Iron (28 mg. - 1/day)
Bio-Tech Pharmical Vitamin D (50,000IU - 1/week) https://secure.bio-tech-pharm.com/detail.aspx?product_id=20&cat_id=2&subcat_id=0

Stuff I take that's not required:
Swiss Natural Sources Biotin (300 mcg - 1/day)
Jamieson Natural Sources Liquid Glucosamine (1500 mg - 1 dose/day)

Eater's Digest Tea: http://www.amazon.com/Traditional-Medicinals-Eaters-16-Count-Wrapped/dp/B0009F3PIA Canadians, we can find this pretty much anywhere - Zehr's, Shopper's, Walmart. I'm not sure where it's available in the States, though. I'd never heard of it till recently but then I never had a need for it.

A much-needed breather

First of all, my Cincinnati Bengals are first in the AFC north! WOOT! Secondly, I lost a pound last week, putting me at 297. I am celebrating the pound! Thirdly, New Moon opens this Friday! I'm not as bad as some other people I know (heh) but I did enjoy the book series and gladly partake in the pop-culture phenomenon that is Twilight. But I am ashamed of the cougar thoughts that run through my head when looking at Taylor Lautner...he's younger than my KID. Must not look. *turning away now* At least Robert Pattinson's not jailbait....

Erich and I went down to upstate New York last weekend to see some friends of ours. It was a great, relaxing time that we both really needed. Good times, good friends, Bo videos....what more could anyone want?? My friend Paris and I have the best husbands in the world, lemme tell ya. We actually kicked them out of the living room at one point. They are both awesome. Everyone should have their own private "Paris Hilton" to get away to every now and then! Nancy, Jackie, Beth, Paris and John - thank you for being in my life.

This was the first time they had seen me since I started my journey here - Paris and Nancy cracked me the hell up the way they were looking at me when I first arrived. The shock and awe face is what I call it. LOL! Everyone always tells me the pictures are quite different from the real thing. Paris was like "I can't believe how tiny you are!" I've never heard that before in my life. LOL! We were at a store and she told me she didn't recognize me from a distance. It's really cool to hear things like that. I saw my profile in a recent photograph and didn't even recognize myself!

The transformation is odd. In some ways, I feel more like myself than I have in 20 years. And in other ways, I don't know me. I don't know this woman in pictures. This woman with cheekbones and narrow shoulders. Is that me? What does she think about or dream about? What does she want now that one of her most sacred and far-fetched dreams is coming true? Where does she go from here? I have so many other dreams and I kinda feel like I can accomplish pretty much anything now. It's liberating and scary at the same time. I have spent most of my life being the 'fat chick' and all the negative emotions/connotations that go along with it. In some ways, being that 'fat chick' has made me stronger. Maybe too strong at time (read: bitch). But in most ways, it's a cumbersome existence and I know I wrapped that label around myself like a heavy suit of armor. I need to carve out a new identity for myself; I feel like I'm up for the challenge.

While in the States, we went to Walmart. It's Mecca. I'm serious. OMG, I found everything I've been searching for for months in about an hour. Sugar-free flavored Torani syrup; sugar-free Jello pudding powder; low-carb tortilla wraps; sugar-free fudge grahams (!!!); sugar-free hot chocolate and Splenda French Vanilla coffee sticks. It is sooooo hard to find low-carb and sugar-free food in Canada. I'm thrilled that I can finally try some of the recipes in the Eggface blog (see link at left) that I have not been able to in the past. I'll let you all know how the cooking goes!

Going it alone

My sessions with Jennifer ended on Wednesday. I only bought 12 at a new-member price, plus a 40% off sale was going on at the time so...12 was pushing it financially even at those prices but I bit the bullet because I knew I needed the instruction. All good things must come to an end! She tried to convince me to continue with her, saying she was "afraid to send me out there on my own" - LOL! I agree but there was just no way I could afford it.

We had our weigh-in and measuring after we finished working out and I've lost inches everywhere since we started, so that was encouraging! I like their scale at the gym, too, it always says I weigh less than my scale. I had told her I really wanted to be under 300 so when I stepped on the scale and it said 296, she started jumping up and down. I really like her - no Jillian tendencies at all! LOL! We also sat down and worked out a schedule (strength training Monday, Wednesday & Friday as usual, plus more scheduled cardio those days and on the weekends...Tuesdays and Thursdays off) and set up an appointment in a month's time to see where I'm at.

So what's the first thing I do? Miss my Friday workout. *sigh* I have to tell you that I have been so tired lately and feeling achy and odd. I have a day like that then I feel good the next day. Just when I think I'm getting sick, I seem to snap out of it. Friday was one of those crappy days. Plus, I knew it would be busy at the gym and while the Barbies don't freak me out the way they used to, I didn't want to go in there fumbling around the weight machines with 100 people standing there waiting for me to get my fat ass out of the way. I wanted the first time I did this to be audience-free. That will probably come back to bite me in said fat ass because I'm sure Jennifer was there going 'Where the hell is she??'

So I went Saturday morning. First, I did 45 mins. of cardio on the treadmill. Have I told you all that I am now running on the frakkin' treadmill?? Oh yes. Short sprints, then slowing it back to a fast walk. It does bother my knees some but not to the extent I thought it would.

After the cardio, I got my 'green form' from my file, which Jennifer wrote in each session, recording the weight I lifted, the settings on the machines, etc. I took a second and looked at my progress. On the low-back extension machine, for example, she started me off at 40 lbs. - by last Wednesday at our last session, I was pumping 145 lbs. Not bad! Maybe that's why my back feels better than it has in 25 years. There were maybe four people in the whole gym so I felt comfortable taking my time and doing everything the way I hoped would make Jennifer proud. I could still see her in front of me saying 'Shoulders down!' 'Don't arch that back!' 'Breeeeathe through it!' Without her introductory course, I would be so lost. I'm grateful to her.

Going to that gym makes me feel so good. I sometimes have to drag myself in there but when I get done - that feeling of accomplishment is awesome. Doing the weights by myself wasn't so bad. I was nervous but again, once I got in there and started doing it...no problem.

Another milestone!

I'd mentioned on Facebook the other day that I needed to lose one more lb. to reach a big milestone. Well, I did it! Actually, I lost two. :)

I've been cheating by getting on the scale a few times this week and seeing how I'm doing because I've been so anxious all month to bust through this milestone. I was frustrated being so close then losing like one lb. or two lbs. - but this week, I lost five in total and that puts me at 298 lbs.

I am in the 200s. Not 400s; not 300s - 200s. I am crying as I type that. It's an incredible feeling. I had sorta given up hope that I would ever weigh under 300 lbs. again. It seemed such an unreachable goal for so many years. I know......Cindy, you're still 298 lbs. Which is true and I still have a long way to go. But it still feels overwhelmingly amazing!

This week on The Biggest Loser, my girl Shay finally dipped under 400 lbs. She cried and was completely thrilled. I know how she feels. When I went under 400 I was still hiding my weight from you and the world. But Erich was with me and I collapsed into tears. He told me he was proud of me and I started to feel like maybe I could really do this. Now, I feel that even more. I'm gonna DO this, ya'll.....I'm really gonna lose all this weight. And I will keep it off. I'm starting to wrap my head around that and not doubt myself in any way. It'll happen. It really will!

I feel like I'm accomplishing the impossible and there are no words to describe how that affects your soul. It is changing everything about me, inside and out.

It's been a while since I've blogged and I have so much to say but I have to get my ass in gear and get to work (*groan*). I have lost 146 lbs. in total so far.

I sorta rock. Ha!

A hairy situation

Losing your hair sucks.

Mine is starting to fall out - this is a normal side effect from gastric bypass surgery and not totally unexpected. It's also supposed to be a temporary thing. I have been taking biotin since day one in an effort to postpone it as much as possible, but I can't deny the handfuls of hair in my brush every day. I'm used to losing some hair when I brush it out but in the past week or so, the amount has increased very noticeably.

I have a thing about my hair. I've always said it's pretty much the only thing I have going for me physically (in my opinion, anyway). At least, I said that when I was younger! I used to have to go to the hairdresser and get it thinned out because it was so thick and wavy. I didn't quite know what to do with it for a long time, I'd try to make it straight and wore it quite short. But in my 20s, I learned to just kinda let it do what it wants to. The less I tinker with it, the better it seems to look. I do like a ponytail (a lot), but when I want to, I was always able to have a mass of wavy blonde curls floating down my back with minimal effort. It began to thin out in my 30s, though. And now I'm using volumizing shampoo and taking biotin in an effort to keep it looking normal. Kinda sucks.

Of course, malabsorption of nutrients is what causes this. All my bloodwork is normal, but my body has to go through a period of readjustment to the new amount of food I'm giving it. The most prominent advice for hair loss is to get more protein - somehow. We can't eat enough to get as much as we need so we have to rely on supplements. I admit I don't always get my protein shake in every day, but you bet your ass I will now!

I've blogged before about the quest for balance between good sense and vanity. But man...my hair? I'm pretty upset about this latest turn of events, lemme tell you. I do hope it's temporary. Maybe I'll get it cut in some new, shorter style. I dunno. The weird part about all this is that while I'm losing weight and everyone keeps telling me how great I look, I look at myself and think I already look worse in some ways than I did before. The sagging skin just looks horrible. And I'm kinda scared to think about what I'll look like when I'm done. But I'm really trying to remember why I'm doing this and that my health is the most important thing, not the way I look.

Oh, and I only lost two lbs. again last week so I'm now at 306, 138 total lost. I was thinking I'd be close to my goal by my birthday in Feb., but at this rate there's no way that's going to happen.

The turning point

My workouts with Jennifer are going well. I'm really starting to feel the burn, now; she is REALLY excited about that. LOL! She seems to get enjoyment out of seeing me sweat, which is funny to me. She knows what is best and lord knows - sweat and sore muscles are what we're after. So it's all good.

I had coffee the other night with one of you - my readers. I hate to reduce the relationship to that word - "reader". I prefer "friend". She lives very close to me, coincidentally, and we decided to get together. It was a wonderful experience and we talked and talked for 2-1/2 hours before we realized how late it was getting. She is a Bo Bice fan as well so we got along famously! Still very new in the process of gastric bypass, she had lots of questions for me and one in particular struck me as I realized I hadn't really blogged about it before.

What was the final thing to push me over the edge and decide to have this surgery?

I thought for a moment before answering. Really, I'm not sure there was a single one thing. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. There was prodding, though.

Last summer, a family friend had the procedure done about 30 mins. away, by a local doctor. Intrigued, I decided to call his office for an appointment even though the friend had said she was sure there was a lengthy waiting list. She herself had to wait about a year. So I called, and the receptionist told me that not only was the dr. not accepting new patients, he had halted his waiting list for at least a year. She told me, "Next summer we will review whether or not we will start the waiting list up again." Oh. Ok. So I had to wait another year to MAYBE get on the waiting list. This was one of the only doctors in Ontario to do the procedure; the rest had waiting lists of two to three years.

I was really devastated by this news. It depressed me for a couple of days. My ray of hope was snuffed out like a candle.

Ironically enough, the woman I had coffee with the other night is now a patient of this dr. Ontario has released more money to doctors who perform the surgery and I suppose now he's hired more help or something because he is accepting patients readily. Great news for her!

I put the gastric bypass on the back burner. But several occurrences last summer made me realize I had to do something and do it quickly.

In June, Erich and I traveled to Rochester, NY to see Lynyrd Skynyrd with friends. There was a hellacious hill we had to climb to get to the seating area. It damn near killed me to go up that hill. I almost didn't make it. I was embarrassed and so angry.

In July, I flew to Maryland for two Bo shows with three close girlfriends. Walking was getting to be such a hassle. I couldn't stand in the lines for the general admission shows; I could barely stand long enough for the concerts; after the second show, I was badly dehydrated, my knees buckling and back breaking, and my heart was racing. I plopped down near the edge of the dance floor and guzzled two bottles of water. I remember thinking "This is ridiculous."

In August, Erich and I traveled to Cleveland, again for a Bo show. The ONLY reason I went to this show was because I knew there were assigned seats. I had made up my mind that my general-admission-show days were over. I just couldn't do it anymore. My knees had been bothering me really badly since my trip to Maryland and for the Cleveland show, I had no choice but to take my cane - just to get from the parking lot to my seat. I ended up standing for his encore and for those few minutes, I thought I was going to collapse. It was awful. I remember coming home and looking at pictures of myself at that show and crying. What the hell was happening to me??

Erich & me in Cleveland (click to enlarge):


I was depressed for a while. It took me another couple months to get my shit together. I had heard about Henry Ford Hospital's bariatric program several years before and sort of tucked that information away in my mind. Now I pulled it back out. I talked to my family dr. about it. I got the necessary paperwork filled out and sent it in. I was approved for the out-of-country procedure and the rest is history.

Sometimes us Bo Peeps talk about how much Bo, and being a part of such a close fandom, has brought to our lives. Well.....I kinda think Bo Bice saved my life. If not for him, and all the wonderful friends I've made through him, I most likely would've been sitting on my couch and not traipsing all over North America trying with all my might to be active and to just LIVE. I doubt I would've noticed, or cared as much, that I couldn't stand up for hours at a time. My weight was preventing me from doing something I love more than anything - something that requires me to get out there and enjoy life. I wasn't enjoying my life anymore. Being a Bo fan helped me to see that. It wasn't the only thing, but those trips last summer really put an exclamation point on it for me. I was slowly dying and if I wanted to continue traveling, laughing, dancing, singing - kissing my husband goodnight and loving my full, precious life - I had to make some changes.

So thank you, Bo. And thank you to all my fellow Bo Peeps. I owe you!

Honey, I'm off to the gym!

Wow, what a week! Busy, busy. Let's do a rundown of the goings-on in Cindy's world:

- Gym: Ok, here's a shocker. I like going to the gym. Can you believe it? I certainly can't. I like the routine of it. I like the way it makes me feel - like I'm doing something good for me. It's taking care of myself and I haven't really done that before. I feel so accomplished when I get out of there. The personal training is also going well, too. Jennifer is pretty awesome. No Jillian-like tendencies, at least so far. LOL! I was concerned our personalities wouldn't mesh well or something but we get along fine. She's increasing the weight on the machines for me each session and we think we've 'hit my weight' this past week. She says I need to feel like I just can't push out one more then make myself do it. I'm there. Not in too much pain the day after at this point, though. Just my knees. We kinda baby those because well, we have to. I don't want to hurt myself.

I never thought I'd be one of those people talking about things 'at the gym'. That phrase was like a foreign language to me. But I find myself saying things like 'Honey, I'm going to the gym' or 'I saw that on CNN when I was at the gym on the treadmill' or 'No, I can't go tonight, I have to go to the gym'. Bizarre. And amusing! I crack myself up thinking about it.

- Thanksgiving: Last Monday was Thanksgiving Day and we went to my mother-in-law's for dinner. We chose to forego the turkey this year and she made schnitzel. I was able to eat a small piece of that, a forkfull of both stuffing and potatoes, a lone broccoli stalk and...that was about it. I was stuffed. A few hours later I had a tiny wedge of sugar-free pecan pie. It wasn't bad! I got the recipe from Susan Maria Leach's book, which I've discussed in past blogs. I've always preferred pecan pie to pumpkin, so it made the holiday a touch more 'Thanksgiving-ish' for me.

Amazing Pecan Pie

3 large eggs
3/4 cup Splenda granular
pinch of table salt
1 tsp. vanilla extract
4 tblsp. salted butter, melted
3/4 cup sugar-free maple syrup
1/2 cup chopped pecans, plus 10 halves
one 9-in. pie shell

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Beat the eggs in a large bowl until well blended and stir in the Splenda, salt, vanilla, butter and syrup. Mix in the chopped pecans and pour the filling into the pie crust. Arrange the pecan halves evenly on the custard and bake for 30 to 35 mins., until the sides are set and center is still a bit soft. Cool to room temperature and serve. Please note this pie doesn't have any sugar to act as a preservative so it must be kept in the fridge or it will spoil quickly.

Splenda is available everywhere - I actually used the Equate version, which is Walmart's store brand. Much cheaper and it works just fine. In her book, Susan tells us to use Steel's Sugar-Free Country Maple Syrup, and no other kind, in this recipe. She says she's tried other syrups and they don't work as well. I have searched and searched for Steel's in stores and online - it's not feasible for Canadians, it would seem. I used Cary's, which I got at the Walmart pharmacy, back with the diabetic supplies. It seemed to be just fine. Erich, my brother-in-law and mother-in-law all liked the pie just the way I made it. You can get a sugar-free syrup in Canada that is stocked on the shelf with the regular syrups (in the breakfast aisle), but that one has 'sugar alcohols' in it. Some gastric bypass patients are more sensitive than others and have dumping issues with sugar alcohol. I don't seem to, but I'm not pushing it. I just use Cary's. As for the pie shell, I just used a frozen one.

And while we're on the subject of recipes and food, I'm putting out an APB for a mini donut pan. If ANYONE out there can tell me where to find one, please help me out. There are protein donut recipes on the Eggface blog (see link at left) that I've been dying to try but I can't find the freakin' pan anywhere. You can order one from Amazon, but not to ship to Canada.

- Reward: Last Saturday, I got my ears pierced! I was going to do a tattoo for my 100-lb. milestone reward but I can't decide on a design. So, Erich and I went downtown (during Oktoberfest...not a great idea) and had my ears done by Tim, a guy we've known for years and has tattooed and/or pierced most of our friends. LOL! Including my ex-husband. Yeah, weird, I know. I know that at 39 I'm a little late to the game on pierced ears but I tried two different times when I was younger (jr. high, I think) and they just kept getting infected and wouldn't heal. So I gave up. Tim put stainless steel hoops in my ears and so far, I think they're healing up nicely. I am such a total wuss, he and Erich were laughing at me because I was wincing in pain and stuff. I told him 'There's a reason why I only have one tattoo. They hurt.' He responded, 'Well, let me recommend a place down the street for you when you get your next one then...' LMAO! I'm still thinking about that tattoo. I want one so much but yeah. They hurt. Wuss.

I only lost one pound last week. Frustrating to say the least, but it is what it is. At least it's a loss. So I'm at 308 right now, 136 lbs. total loss.

Clothes, gym, whatever

I went to the gym Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. So last night (Tuesday) I took the night off. I felt I was entitled.

I decided to go through my closet again. Fall weather is definitely here, so it was time to put away the capri-length pants and dig out the winter stuff. I thought about just getting rid of the summer stock because, hopefully, I won't be able to wear a thing that I own when spring 2010 hits. But I didn't, and decided it would be good for me, if indeed I shrink down like I'm hoping I will, to try on some of those capris and see how far I've come. And besides - some of it I really love and can alter if need be.

I have some clothes shoved in the hall closet that I got from another gastric bypass patient. I tried some of those but they're all too small so they went back in. I have another bag from my mom that I got when I was down in Ohio over the summer. There was also a bag from my own closet. Just stuff that I was never comfortable wearing before. Either they'd shrank in the wash or I'd simply gotten too big for them. Well, I tried everything on and I pretty much emptied both bags; I can wear everything in it now. Huzzah!!! What a great feeling.

I felt inspired so I went through the closet in my bedroom and got rid of everything I don't like. Mostly t-shirts and tops from men's big & tall shops. It's infinitely cheaper to buy clothes for men than women, at any size. I'd get a shirt at a men's store for $25; a similar one at a women's store might be $40. I could not shop at Walmart (the biggest size was too small), so my choices were limited, price and size-wise. Also, when you're a 6-7x, you buy what FITS. Liking the item is secondary. I would look at sizes first; if I thought I might be able to wear it, only then would I consider whether I'd die of embarrassment if I wore it in public.

Those days are over. O-V-E-R. I filled a huge garbage bag with that stuff. I will never again buy clothes because it's my size and 'well...it's not too awful...' or '...that one kinda looks like a woman could wear it...' Done! Hell, I even organized my closet by color. It's a thing of beauty. I'm having so much fun with clothes it's ridiculous. LOL!

I picked up my note from the teacher (or doctor, whichever you prefer) and finally made it to a session with Jennifer tonight. Not bad, not bad. I feel more at home in that place every time I go. She had me warm up on the treadmill then we went through several exercises on different weight machines. I think she was surprised at my strength. I figure my body has to be at least somewhat strong to have carried around all that weight. Especially my legs. Nothing she asked me to do was that hard - however, I am well aware this was only the first session! LOL! Anyway, it went well. Afterwards, I did another 15 mins. on the treadmill and 15 on the bike. We'll see how I feel tomorrow! Next session is Friday.

Been having some trouble keeping food down the past few days. Not sure what's up, could be just stress from the whole gym thing. But I feel good and I know it's only going to get better.

The gym

I guess those gym-Barbies scared me more than I realized! LOL!

So I go to the gym Friday night for my first session with Jennifer. I thought I was fine till I walked in. I dunno, just walking past all the equipment and all the ladies on said equipment, I had to take a deep breath to calm myself. I suppose it was a fear of the unknown combined with white-hot intimidation.

I arrive early and Jennifer's running late. So after I 'put away anything I didn't need' - this was the direction of the girl at the front desk...not realizing I had absolutely NO earthly idea what I would actually need - I sat in the waiting area till Jennifer was ready.

She was very nice, asked me a few questions then told me we had to go back and take my blood pressure.

Uh oh.

I know me, and I know my blood pressure. When I get nervous or upset, it shoots up like a 747 (like Wednesday in Detroit). No surprise, it was pretty high. So she told me we couldn't do anything unless the top number was under 140. I tell her "Well, as terrified as I am right now, I'm not surprised at those numbers." She thought that was pretty funny and tried to calm me down. We tried again. Much lower, but still too high. Then she tells me anything higher than 140 and they need a note from my doctor. Oh the irony!! My blood pressure is finally low enough that my dr. has decided I don't need medication anymore. I go to the gym to get even healthier, and am so nervous that now I have to go BACK to the dr. and get permission to work out. Good grief.

She says we'll try one more time. "How do you feel?" she asked. "Any calmer?" Uh, well, no, not since you've now told me I'll need to make a dr. appt. (it'll take 2 weeks to get in); take a half day off work to go to the dr. (cuz she won't do this over the phone...she doesn't get paid that way; and she's always about 2 hours behind in her appointments) and get a note. Plus, my dr. will charge me personally (not just the government) for the privilege of writing the note. Not making me calm. No. We try again and it's even higher than the first reading.

So...we're done for the day. Didn't hit the first lick. But get this: I can work out at the gym on my own but not with her. To sum up, the unhealthy people who might have high blood pressure (I'm not one of them, mind you) are not allowed to have supervision. Ohhhh, that makes a lot of sense! LOL!

*heavy sigh* She suggested I walk on the treadmill Sat. & Sun. to try and get more comfortable in the gym, the atmosphere. Ok, sure. She stuck around and got me started because I'd never been on a treadmill in my life and didn't want to go flying off the thing through the back wall or something. As I said, she was really nice.

The treadmill is weird! When I get off the thing, my legs are like Jell-O - all tingly like they've been asleep. And I still feel like I want to walk, even when I get off it. Makes me a bit dizzy, too. I can go a little over a mile, though, in 30 mins. It was fine - it felt good. I did it last night, I did it today and I'll do it tomorrow.

I checked my b.p. before I left for the gym today. Perfect. I checked it when I got there - way too high. This is ridiculous. And it's all my head! I know that, intellectually. All intimidation is psychological. It's a hurdle I must get over or it's going to stall my weight loss. And THAT, dear readers, pisses me off. I hate to think anything or anyone intimidates me. I will overcome this.

We'll see what happens tomorrow but as it looks now, I'll be calling my dr. on Monday morning. I know she'll write the note, but damn it all to hell. *grumble grumble*

The next phase

I made it to Detroit in one piece yesterday...barely.

I got started really early. My appt. was at 4 and I left home about noon. It's about a 2-1/2 to 3 hour drive to Detroit from my place so I figured this would be cake. Um, no. Everything was fine till I got to Windsor (a.k.a. Construction Hell). Man alive! Took me a while to get to the border. THEN when I got there, I was treated to armed guards and drug- and/or bomb-sniffing dogs patrolling the line-up. These guards were serious. Tapping on people's windows - who were still in line to talk to security, mind you - and asking that trunks be opened, keys surrendered, etc. They got on their stomachs and were looking under cars; led dogs around and around the perimeters. Looking for what, I have no idea. I rarely see stuff like that and I cross the border pretty frequently. It was like they were looking for something - or someone - specific. They didn't bother me much. I guess I looked safe. Ha! Still took awhile to get across. I walked into the dr's office at 3:58. Phew.

My blood pressure was sky high, but I assured them that was not normal and was no doubt a result of the last hour or so of the trip! LOL! Then, I guess according to Dr. Genaw's ledger, my appt. time was 3:10; he thought I didn't show up and LEFT!! They had to call him to come back. Good grief! Poor guy. My little appt. card definitely said 4 p.m. Anyway, it all worked out in the end.

The appointment went well and he was pleased about my progress/weight loss, especially the disappearance of the diabetes, high blood pressure and sleep apnea. I don't have to go back now till next July, for my yearly check-up! Yay! I still need to get bloodwork every three months and keep him posted, but I don't have to go back to Detroit.

The gastric bypass program at Henry Ford has a "100-Pound Club" of sorts. It's for people who have lost more than 100 pounds. Dr. Genaw wants me to come back for an induction ceremony into that club. His associate took down my information and they are supposed to contact me when the next one rolls around. I told Erich about this, explaining that it's a long drive and I didn't necessarily need to go. He totally insisted that I go participate. A friend of mine agreed, saying I had literally worked my ass off and deserved to go be honored in this way. Ok, yeah. I do. So I'll go and be proud of myself. I am proud of myself.

Dr. Genaw could not wipe the grin off his face during our appointment. I wrote, when we first met, about his noticeably strong handshake. Yesterday, he shook my hand about four times - strongly, happily and it felt great.

On my way home, I drove alongside the setting sun. It was a little cloudy and oh my what colors! Many shades of blue - denim, robin's egg, slate and azure. Gray and white, with punches of orange, red, purple and yellow. It was so beautiful that I started to cry, grateful I could see it. I sometimes feel like I cheated death by losing weight. When I think of what I almost gave up just so I could have a second piece of cake, a half an extra-large pizza or a third helping from a Chinese buffet, it makes me emotional and sappy. I'm more appreciative of the small stuff now. I was reminded how silly things like wrinkles are (see last blog).

Tomorrow night, I start working with Jennifer at the gym! I'm a mix of terrified and excited. I'm going to really try to view her as someone who is helping me achieve my goals. Someone who is helping me live. And I will really try (no matter how pissed I get with her) to surrender to her greater knowledge of what is best for me.

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

The title of this blog comes from the theme song to the show The Biggest Loser, which is now in its 3rd week on NBC. I encourage anyone reading this blog to tune into that show. Last season was the first time I'd ever watched it and it helped me, motivated me, soooo much pre-op when I was losing the 40 lbs. Dr. Genaw asked of me. I jogged (a few feet!) because I saw people on there nearly as big as I was doing it. It's very cool.

There's a guy, Daniel, on this season who was there last season, too. He's lost well over 100 lbs., but got cut early last time. His partner just wasn't serious, in my opinion, and Daniel suffered as a result. He's only 19 and last season, he weighed in at 454 lbs. Very close to my 444. This season, he started at 312 - and I'm at 313! So I identify a lot with Daniel. I see his struggles and support him 100% - along with all the other contestants of course. If you tune in, keep a box of tissues handy. Just sayin'.

I weighed myself on Sunday and saw a loss of three. At 313, I've lost 131 lbs. total. Now, I've weighed myself early in the week before, only to see a lb. or two come back on by Friday, so we'll see how that goes! Plus I will weigh in at Henry Ford tomorrow.

I head to Detroit tomorrow for my next post-op follow up with Dr. Genaw. I got a copy of my most recent bloodwork today and everything looks pretty tickety-boo. There are a few things that tested higher than normal and after some research on Google, I learned they have to do with my liver. Hm. Not sure what's up but I guess we'll see tomorrow. My family doctor wasn't concerned with anything on those test results, so that's good news.

My trainer, Jennifer, and I have FINALLY connected and I start my sessions with her on Friday after work. It was a crazy, drawn-out process but she called me Monday at work and we scheduled all 12 of my sessions. Yes, I went ahead and got the 12 instead of the 6. I figure I'll never see these prices again so I went for it. I know this will be one of the hardest things I've ever done but I'm so ready to get started! I'm anxious to do this and see some results.

I'm starting to have issues with my new body - I'm a little concerned that I'll actually look worse when all this is over than I did before! Wrinkles and sagging are appearing. Not fun and not attractive. My health is much better but I'm not so sure I look better naked! LOL! I'm hoping the gym will help. Now all I need is a winning lottery ticket for plastic surgery at the end of the road. Anybody have one they'd like to give me??? ;) Vanity also isn't attractive so this is something I'm struggling with.

So what have you done today to make you feel proud? Me, well, I walked for 30 mins. tonight after work. I got in all my vitamins, supplements and protein. I've done 2 loads of laundry! I've made a list of everything I need for Detroit (passport included!!). I made a big pot of my good friend Lisa's potato cheese soup (delish). Not too bad for today.

Safe vs. Getting real

Busy, busy week! As I'd mentioned before, work is really hectic for me right now. Even more so this past week since one of my co-workers was on vacation. Basically, when I got home I just sorta zonked out, not in the mood to write or anything. I did well to exercise a few times and that was it.

I did an aquafit class this past Thursday night. The last time I tried that, my knee completely gave out on me and I couldn't finish the class. That's why I've been swimming laps - much easier on the joints. But since I've lost some weight now, I thought I'd give it a try. It went pretty well all things considered. I felt a stabbing pain in my left knee a couple times during the class and afterwards, both knees were aching. I was a little afraid of what they might feel like Friday morning! But no worries; they were perfectly normal all day. I was really glad I at least finished that class, even though I am so horribly uncoordinated I resembled a true fish out of water doing some of those fancy moves! LOL!

Last weekend, I went gym shopping. I want an all-female atmosphere, so I'm limited to a couple of choices: Curves and Goodlife Fitness (they have female and co-ed gyms). Curves was up first. GREAT, welcoming place and very friendly staff. No mirrors on the wall, several private changing areas. The women who were there working out looked 'normal'...not a size zero in the place. Next up was Goodlife. Wow, what a difference!! Heavy-duty, serious gym equipment at every turn, a lot of Barbie-doll lookalikes running around in cute little outfits, their perky ponytails bobbing up and down. Mirrors everywhere - is it a gym or some sort of voyeur/sex thing?? Only one private changing area and the sales rep was very proud of the sauna. Sauna? I have no desire to sit around and sweat. I found her approach a little pushy, too. When I hesitated at signing right away, she goes 'What's stopping you? You said this was important to you.' Um, yes...however, the first words out of my mouth were also that I wasn't signing anything today and just wanted to see what you had to offer.

So initially, I'm thinking the clear winner here is Curves. Maybe I need to start slowly and work my way up to Barbie-dom. Right? Well...maybe not.

The more I thought about it, the more I came to the following conclusion: Curves is what's safe; Goodlife is probably what I need. And here's why. At Goodlife, I can get personal training sessions that will no doubt help me tremendously. Here's the thing - before last Saturday, I'd never even been in a gym in my life. I have absolutely no idea what the hell I'm doing. I could hurt myself or spend 6 months doing something that isn't working me to my maximum potential or yielding maximum results. The variety of equipment available at Goodlife is also appealing to me. They have classes, too. I'm not big on classes yet but we'll see.

The personal training sessions are 40% off right now, but they're still pretty expensive to me. They sell them in 6 or 12 increments. I think I'm going for the 6 now. So I go in tomorrow to sign up. Lord help me, but I'm gonna do it. I'm stronger than I think I am, right? Me, scared of Barbies? Pfffft.

I went to see my family doctor on Monday. She was very pleased with my weight loss and agreed that right now, she sees no need to continue my diabetes or high blood pressure medicine. I had some bloodwork done and we'll see how that comes back, but I think it's ok. I go back to Detroit to see Dr. Genaw on the 30th. Only thing I'm worried about there is my protein levels. Sometimes, I just can't get the protein drinks down. I try my best but I ain't perfect.

I only lost two pounds last week, so I'm at 320 - 124 lbs. total lost. Hopefully I do better next week. I didn't have a great week, food-wise. I notice that when I'm feeling good and things are going down well, I lose weight. When I feel nauseous and odd, I don't lose as much. However, I have no control over that, which is frustrating. Sometimes it doesn't matter what I do, I don't feel well. I suppose stress exacerbates the problem and I have been stressed this past week. Everything stayed down, but my stomach felt a little weird a lot of the time and my pills weren't going down very well. It is what it is and I'm still newly post-op so I just have to be patient.

It has been FREEZING in the mornings and nights here. I have no freakin' jackets to wear so I confiscated Erich's that he got from work. It's a 2x. Heh. Fits pretty well. I put on some sweats last night (I get cold easily anymore) and they were so big, Erich and I cracked up. He insisted I try on a pair of his - size XL. So I did and they were tight, but they went on. Unbelievable. Every day is a new discovery and a new milestone.

Sorry about the length of this one. I'll try not to let this much time pass again!

Little victories

I am sitting here writing this wrapped up in a towel from my morning shower. Why in the world am I troubling you with such a visual? Well, I've never been able to get a towel around me in my life that I can remember. I don't think I've even tried to wrap a towel around my body since maybe elementary school. LOL! I'm gonna sit in it for a while, just because.

Down 7 lbs. this week! 322 and counting down. 122 total lost.

Busy week at work! Since we're down one person in my dept., I have to pick up a lot of the slack. In a way it's ok because it makes the day go faster.

Once a month, the people in my dept. are responsible for cleaning the plate machine - we send images from our computers, this machine generates a plate which is then put on a press and printed. We do this on a rotating schedule and Wednesday it was my turn at bat along with my co-worker Rafal. I have always hated, hated cleaning that damn thing. It has to be taken apart and it takes a while to do. It has always been physically taxing for me to stand over a sink washing components of the machine. My back is in such awful shape that I don't even do dishes at my home; I've had a dishwasher for more than a decade after I started having to sit on a chair to wash them.

In the past, I would bring an old shirt with me (since the apron doesn't fit) and a little washcloth to wipe my brow as I worked. Sweat would pour off me and my back would ache all day long afterwards. I would have to stop several times and stretch backwards, trying to ease the pain. It was really tough.

So Wednesday, I slipped the shirt on, put the washcloth in my pocket and went to the back to clean the thing. It was unusually dirty and I was back there at the sink for at least 30 mins. I was about 25 mins. into the job when I noticed that: 1) I was not in any pain at all 2) I hadn't even broken a sweat and 3) I forgot I even had the washcloth in my pocket. I forgot I had the damn washcloth.

I was telling Erich about this last night over the phone and started to cry. I surprised myself with the emotion. I apologized to him and he said it was ok and that he was proud of me. It's those little things that I notice and realize that maybe, just maybe, I'm turning into a normal person. Things that "normal" people take for granted (like wrapping a towel around themselves), I'm going to record. It goes in my brain and in this blog so years from now, I can read about it and smile again - and never forget what it was like to be so morbidly obese in the hopes that I can prevent myself from becoming that way ever again. I strive to celebrate each tiny milestone.

Truth time

Beach was a bust - evidently it takes a man two days of planning to go and since it was crappy weather Saturday, he didn't plan. So we didn't go Sunday - even though it was beautiful out. Yeah, I'm confused by that, too. Such is the enigma that is Erich. LOL!

I found a new sweater at Walmart! Store of the gods! And for $18, not $50. It's a really fantastic feeling to be able to go into a store and pick something up off the rack and know you can wear it.

Got one of the new protein shots - 3 oz., 42 grams of protein. SCHWING! Dymatize Nutrition Elite Liquid Protein (click to enlarge):



I got it at Sports Nutrition Depot (a.k.a. Mecca) on Fairway Road in Kitchener, in the Kelsey's plaza. The salesgirl said they go quickly. Now, if you use these protein shots, please keep in mind your body can only absorb 30 grams of protein at once so it's wise not to drink the whole 3 oz. in one gulp. I did 1.5 oz. twice and there you go. That plus my food intake more than exceeds the 60-80 grams of protein we require a day. I still have my powdered protein but I intend to use the shots a bit, too.

The shots are quite expensive ($3.99 for one (!!)) and have the consistency of melted Jell-O. The taste isn't bad, but I added a bit of Splenda to more please the palate.

I have looked everywhere for Da Vinci or Toriani sugar-free syrups. I read on an online message board in response to another Canadian looking aimlessly for them that sometimes HomeSense has them. Hm. I looked in every HomeSense in the area and found some sugar-free syrups at the one on Fairway Road, beside the Kelsey plaza. Evidently the world revolves around the Kelsey plaza....anyway....they weren't Da Vinci or Toriani, but they were there. Chocolate raspberry and pomegranate. Meh. I left them. The search continues.

My girl Ruby was in People magazine last week showing off her 328-lb. bod in a pair of jeans. First jeans she's had on since childhood. And once again, Ruby and I are totally on the same page. I weigh one pound more than she does (329). Yep. Now you know! I figure what the hell? It's starting to feel crazy to hide my weight, so there it is. I've lost 115 - so if you're good at math, you can figure out that pre-op, in February, I started this whole thing at 444 lbs. I was only going to share that figure when I reached my goal but screw it.

Personally, I think I look damn good for 329 lbs. LMAO!

My goal is 200. Lemme tell you what, I will look GOOD at 200 lbs. I will feel good. I will be alllll good. I don't need to weigh 135 lbs. or anything. I'm 5'10" and, ah, "big-boned". So that's the goal.

Right now, I can't see past 300. I was 19 or 20 the last time I was under 300 lbs. I will do the happy Bo dance of glee when I get under that!

Gleeeeee!!!!

OH! And I made the Eggface Taco Bites over the weekend and they were awesome. I put the batch in the fridge and eat a couple at a time along with some fruit or something. They go down well and are easy to make: http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/2009/01/super-bites.html

What a week

Sorry I haven't posted this week but at this point I feel lucky that I'm even still coherent. It was a helluva week at work. The economy finally caught up with us and man...it wasn't pleasant. I was really sad to see a couple co-workers go but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was grateful to be spared. None of us went completely unscathed but it is what it is and I need to focus on one day at a time. Just putting one foot in front of the other was tough this week. No pool, no walking. I did NOTHING. I have to get back into my routine for my own health and sanity.

Eating was tough, too. A lot of stuff came back up this week that should not have and it left me feeling sick and tired. Exhausted, but not able to sleep! Not a good combo. Stress has always affected me in a very physical way. My stomach felt like it was literally churning a lot of the time, I had headaches and my 'glowing' skin now looks like complete and total crap. Sigh.

But!! It's the long weekend! Huzzah!! Erich and I plan on going to see District 9 this afternoon then to the beach tomorrow. We always go down to Port Burwell on the northern shore of Lake Erie. It's a very quiet beach with few people, clean sand and warmer water than the more popular beach towns up north. We love it. We haven't had much of a summer up here, so it will be our first (and likely last) visit of the season.

The beach should be interesting. As I've said many times, I love to swim. Getting into a bathing suit isn't the most pleasant thing, but I will suffer the stares and giggles to get in that water. Going down there has always been a slight ordeal for me, physically. There's a walk over a hill to get to the beach that has challenged me in the past. Erich always goes for a long walk along the shore and I have never, ever gone with him. We'll see what happens tomorrow, but I expect to be pleasantly surprised by what I'm physically capable of.

Despite all the stress this past week, somehow I managed to lose 4 lbs., which is the best result I've had for a couple weeks now. I was really happy about that! I'm down 115 total. I realized, looking at the calendar I used to keep track of my weight, that I wasn't keeping very good track of it. And I weighed myself too much, maybe thinking it had been longer between weigh-ins than it really was. I need to stick to the Friday weigh-ins and quit making myself crazy. No slave to the numbers. Must remember that.

Random strange thing about losing weight: it takes less time to do the laundry. Cuz the clothes are smaller, which means you can get more clothes in each load. Odd! I was folding laundry last week and each time I picked up something of mine, I had this feeling like 'Is that mine? It's too small, it can't be mine.' Feeling and seeing my clothes like that hammers home that I really am shrinking! Too funny.

Clothes and compliments

One of the coolest things about losing weight is the new clothes! I've talked about some of the new stuff I've bought in the last couple months and some of you have asked to see actual pictures. It was a gorgeous day yesterday so Erich and I went outside and I put on a fashion show. It was kinda windy, so please forgive my rebellious hair. Click on each pic to enlarge.

1. Got this in Ohio when I was there last month shopping with my mom. I think this is my favorite new shirt.


2. This is the 3x gold t-shirt I blogged about last weekend! Hee!


3. Another one from Ohio. Empire waist and ruffled hem - I love this one, too.


4. My rock star t-shirt! LOL! I think it looks a little Freebird-ish, which, as a fan of Bo Bice, is a major, major plus.


Rock on, bitches! Peace out!


5. Love the buckle and asymetrical neckline. I think it's interesting.


6. Cute little top. :)


So there are my purchases for the past month or so. Plus my mother-in-law has altered a bunch of my old clothes so I'm doing ok. Freecycle is a wonderful thing as well. I have a great big bag of smaller clothes just waiting for me that we got from a lady who has also had gastric bypass and is nearly at her goal. All for free - she offered them on Freecycle and we snapped them up! Everything from size 16 shorts to 3x tops. Yay Freecycle!

I'm not used to getting compliments from people about the way I look. It happens more and more these days and I'm really trying to learn to just say 'thank you' and take it sincerely. I think a lot of women have that issue. Someone tells us we look nice or whatever and we try to brush it off or come back with some smart-aleck remark lest the person think we actually think we're attractive!

Several days ago, a woman in my office who works less than part time told me I looked great. She doesn't see me that often, so she was really impressed, she said. She complimented my figure, my skin and told me I was 'glowing'. Wow! My first gut reaction was to laugh because what? Me? As I said, I'm not used to this. It's a learning process to accept statements like that. It took a few seconds before I stopped and just said 'thank you!'

I remember Oprah Winfrey talking about this once on her show and how she used to struggle with compliments, too, especially about her looks. Then shortly after that she had John Travolta on. They were at a gym working out. Oprah made some cutting remark about her own body and John very sweetly and sincerely told her she was beautiful and had a wonderful body. She laughed at first then you could almost see her stop herself, make herself look at him pointedly and say 'Thank you, John. Thank you.' And he said 'you're welcome'.

When you've been ridiculed about your looks for so long, it's hard to accept that someone is being truthful when they say something like that. We learn to detect scorn, even when it's wrapped up in pretty words via sarcasm - all of us have experienced that, especially us fat girls. We develop a defense mechanism of laughing it off, going along with the joke that is us in a vain attempt to avoid being hurt.

I saw screw that. When someone pays you a compliment, accept it. Accept yourself! I'll work on it if you will.