Fear and loathing

What are we afraid of?

I'm not talking about things like ghosts, spiders or heights. I'm talking about what it is we think will happen if we go for what we want. What's stopping us? What's stopping you? What's stopping me?

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. Making excuses for not having what we want...that is a form of self-flagellation, isn't it?

I don't have time.
I need to do 1), 2) and 3) first.
I don't possess the skills to have it.
Who do I think I am to want it?
What will people think?
What makes me think I can do it?
I don't deserve it.
I can't do it.

So we get into the cycle of desire, sabotage of procrastination, self-hatred for not achieving and finally acceptance of defeat. I know I've gone through this my whole life. While there have been times I've made some very big, outside-the-box decisions that have worked out well for me, I still lack the self-esteem in some areas that keeps me from having what I really want. By now, I should know and understand my abilities. But a lot of times I don't, and I know I'm not alone.

Why is that? It's like some of us are afraid of success. What do we think will happen if we succeed? Why is it scary?

I get angry at myself for doing this, which often makes things much worse. Anger turned inward is depression. Anger itself isn't a bad thing; it's just energy. But energy needs to be focused in a way that is useful to us. What would happen if we turned that energy on itself, channeling it into a way that can help us achieve what we want, what we deserve? If we do that, depression has no choice but to make room for comfort, complacency....success and happiness.

Happiness, my friends, is subconsciously terrifying for some. We all say we want it, but we put barriers between ourselves and that "goal" allll the time. Is it because we think if we achieve happiness, there will be nothing left to strive for? But there is always more. Always something new to keep us going. I think it has more to do with how we feel about ourselves. And we need to change that mindset to ever feel settled and satisfied.

Practice being good to yourself and searching for ways to direct anger, guilt and self-loathing into more positive pursuits. Think about what will make you happy. Why can't you have this? You know you can. Of course you can! Think of someone else who has what you want. They're no more deserving (often less so) than you are.

I'll try to remember my motto if you will: I am stronger than I think I am.