Who's that girl?

Have you ever looked at a photo of yourself and thought "Is that me??" Usually this happens to people as they gain weight and often serves as a wake-up call to finally get healthy again. But for me, it's happening as I lose weight.

I've always been heavy so I have no real reference point for me as a 'thin' person. I'm still not thin, but certainly look much more normal than I ever have in my life. I have friends who shy away from having their pictures taken because they feel they look 'fat' or whatever. I never understood that too well because most of the time, these people were much less than half my size! LOL! I never minded having my picture taken. I suppose I was resigned to the fact that hey - this is how I look so I need to just move the hell on and not be silly about it. I'm very much a "picture person" so there are photos of me and my family and friends all over my home. Doesn't bother me a bit. The only time a picture has ever really bothered me was the one from Christmas 2008, but by that time I'd already put things in motion to have the surgery. So it wasn't the catalyst for change, just reassurance that I was doing the right thing.

I've said before about how Halloween is my thing. I LOVE it - it's my favorite holiday by far. Yes, even more so than Christmas. I love the time of year and all things scary so it wins. This year I wanted to do something different with my costume so I added a wig. Now, I've always had a huge head. LOL! Wigs, hats - I couldn't find stuff like that to fit me. Have I even lost weight on my head?? Soooo weird, but maybe!

Erich and I went over to his mom's place for trick-or-treat like always, and like always, we took some pictures. At the last minute, I decided to take my glasses off for the photos. So when I saw the finished shots, I was a little stunned. Is that me? No...no way. THAT'S ME????



Seriously? That's me? Not to sound arrogant but I think I look pretty good there! If I didn't know that was me, I would see that picture and say "that's not a bad-looking chick". It feels very awkward and odd to even think that way about myself, not to mention say it out loud. I've never felt I was pretty. I sort of still have this notion that if I think it, feel it or say it, someone will come along and put me in my place - remind me that I'm fat and ugly. I guess I still see myself that way to a large extent or I wouldn't feel so 'unentitled' (is that a word?) to like the way I look.

I have stared at that picture for a week. Maybe I'm trying to get my brain to understand that it's really me? I don't know.

People tell me I look wonderful all the time. And I so appreciate it - it's a wonderful to have acknowledgment for what I've accomplished. But people will say that when you lose 250 pounds, right? It doesn't mean I'm pretty now! But that woman in the picture - I think she's ok looking. I don't look anything like that every day, certainly. Maybe I should go goth?? Dye my hair jet black, wear dark eye makeup and get contacts?? LOL! I don't think I could stick something in my eye, though. I've always wanted lasik eye surgery!

The Halloween pictures are some of the first from this whole journey where I look at them and don't see me. That's a really weird thing, let me tell you. I can still see Cindy in all the other photos that have been taken of me. I'm there, just much thinner. But that woman in the Halloween pictures, that is not the woman I think I am. I had no idea I could look that way. It's a reminder that I really need to work on having my brain and my body catch up to one another.

Here's one of Erich and myself plus a before-and-after shot of the past three Halloweens: 2008, 2009 and 2010:





I have been so busy lately and there is so much to write about! My little notebook where I jot down blog ideas is looking cluttered. So look for a few more blogs this week, unless life gets in the way.