When life is hard, you have to change

I didn't really know what to write today. I knew I want to; I knew I needed to; but I couldn't think of a real theme. Writer's block I guess. Sometimes I just start writing and it all comes together. That happened this morning, for sure.

I hit a major mini-goal this week! I'm under 200 pounds for the first time since I was 12. It's really odd to see/hear "one-hundred" at the beginning of my weight from my talking scale. She's probably shocked, too. I worked hard for it this week, I ain't gonna lie. I exercised pretty much every day, drank tons of water and watched my sodium and carbs. A four-pound loss feels pretty good and accurate! This is better than the one-pound-a-week crap I was having over the summer. Finally, it feels like my body is back on track.

My goal is a mere five pounds away. What should I do to reward myself, other than the final heart in my tattoo? Erich and I have been thinking about getting a cat for a long time, so we're revisiting that idea. I'd love to have a Russian Blue kitten and another black kitten and watch them grow up together.

There were a few things I didn't get to do over the summer, one of which was going to an amusement park and getting on some rides that I wouldn't have fit onto before. Canada's Wonderland has a Halloween Haunt all during October. This is like the best of both worlds as I am a Halloween freak! Thinking hard about that one. Hmmm. I dunno, but I feel like I want to celebrate in some way.

That Camaro Erich bought for me when I lost 50 percent of my body weight is just about ready for the road. He's been working on it when the weather allows - it's been raining a lot on weekends here, so he's doing the best he can - and I can't wait to drive it.

It sure would be nice to hit my final goal next week. I'm going to continue to do everything that has worked in the past and I guess we'll see what the scale says Friday morning.

Now that everything is kind of winding down, I feel a mix of emotions. Incredible relief that this phase is almost over yet weirdly nostalgic at the same time. It doesn't make much sense to me that I'm almost a little sad that it'll be over soon! What does that mean? I have a strange little brain. Maybe the emotion I feel is just what comes along with an achievement like this. It's a little overwhelming to have one of your life's dreams be so close you can reach out and touch it. It makes me feel like there are other dreams I might be able to accomplish, too. It makes more seem possible.

Something happened to me a couple weeks ago that I posted about on my Facebook page but didn't share here. It was a Friday night and Erich was working so I decided to do something I'd always wanted to do but had never been physically able to.

My city has a pretty lively downtown area. People who live in the area complain about how no one goes there and the high crime levels. I think that's crap. Kitchener's downtown is clean, the storefronts are occupied and there are always people - of all ages - milling around. Most of the American downtown areas I've seen are ghost towns in comparison. I feel totally safe downtown, too.

I'd always passed the little stores downtown - in my car - and thought about how nice it would be to walk up one side of King Street and down the other, winding in and out of all the eclectic shops. There is no way I could've done that pre-op. So when I got off work that Friday, I parked near city hall and started walking. I wasn't disappointed for there are many things down there that you cannot find at the mall or Walmart. And that's a good thing. LOL! So I was having a ball when I came to a store with a curved front; that is, the entrance curved inward from the windows.

As I'm walking down the sidewalk, I see this woman approaching me out of my peripheral vision. I'm looking down, but I can see her legs walking towards me. I'm thinking she's going to go around me, but instead she's heading right for me. I glanced up and saw she wasn't stopping, so I stopped. When I stopped, she stopped. Huh? Oh...it's me. It wasn't till I stopped that I realized I was seeing my reflection in the storefront. Do you have any idea how freaky that is? LOL! I had to take a moment, you know? I looked around and there wasn't anyone else in my immediate line of sight. It was so weird to realize that I don't even recognize myself anymore.

As I near my goal, I think to myself 'am I as new on the inside as I am the outside?' Sure, there are a lot of things about me that have changed. Emotionally, I'm very different from the person who started this journey 19 months ago. How much do I want to allow myself to change, though? It's important to actively participate in positive change. As in all things, balance is key. I don't want to change too much. I liked a lot about who I was when I weighed 444 pounds. And a lot needed to change. I feel like I'm coming out of this whole thing a better version of me.

The title of this blog comes from the Blind Melon song Change . Bo sang it nearly five years ago in Cleveland, Ohio at the House of Blues. His life was changing completely at the time and I believe that's why he chose the song. I watched this again few minutes ago for the first time in a long time and thought I'd share it.