Fat Flashbacks

I'm pretty sure everyone has heard of acid flashbacks. Well, I'm here to tell you I have FAT Flashbacks. The best thing I can compare it to is post traumatic stress disorder - almost like I've been through a war and sometimes a certain thing will trigger a memory where I'm right back in the trenches, feeling and experiencing everything I was going through before I lost weight.

I've made no secret of my love for the show "The Biggest Loser". I started watching it when I was losing weight for my surgery. It helped me tremendously to see real people who were nearly my size (there have only been a couple contestants on the show who were as big as I was) exercising and doing things unimaginable to me. It made me think I could do it, too. I still watch faithfully. This season, one contestant on the show is particularly tugging at my heart.

Musician Vinny Hickerson arrived on the ranch weighing in at 426 pounds. Now there's some backstory with Vinny. Erich and I saw him and his band Trailer Choir perform at the 2010 CMA Fest and were so impressed, their new CD became part of the soundtrack in our home and cars. Yes, even Erich - the country music hater who let it be known he would NOT have a good time there but in the end loved it - really got into their sound. We were also blown away by Vinny's stage performance. Here was a 400-pound guy in bibs doing the worm on stage in 95-degree heat. Vinny can MOVE! I remember watching him and being envious of his agility. I certainly couldn't move like that when I weighed that much!

Last week, trainer Bob Harper was pushing Vinny beyond anything he's done so far on the ranch. Vinny was on the treadmill and Bob kept raising the incline. Eventually, he got to 10. A 10 incline is tough when you're just strolling, but Vinny was RUNNING. Vinny's done very well on the show, but as young as he is (27) and at his weight...and being a man....one would expect bigger numbers from him and his male team members each week. Now I'm not sure exactly what their problem is (I do have an idea and plan a blog on that later) but Bob's team has kicked ass each week. So when Bob finally got a hold of Vinny, I was soooo happy.

"It's time for you to pull double digits every week," Bob told Vinny.
"Yes, sir" was the Southern-boy reply.

Meanwhile, a tape is running of an interview with Vinny taken after all this was going on. He says, "I weigh 372 pounds. You're not supposed to be able to do a 10 at 372 pounds."

I kept watching this and was suddenly overcome with emotion. I weighed 372 pounds on July 7, 2009 - the date of my gastric bypass. Watching Vinny running on that treadmill did something to me. It took me back in time and made me empathize with what he was feeling. How hard that must've been for him and how satisfying it must've been to accomplish it. The look of effort on his face made me weep for him, for me, for everyone in that position. I remembered how hard it was for me to run around my cul-de-sac the first time. I did it because I saw another contestant on this show do it - so I knew I had the power as well.

I cried. I paced. Wrung my hands. My breathing increased and I was worried about a panic attack for a moment. My cats looked at me like I was insane. Deep breathing...

"You are not 372 pounds anymore. Never going back. Never going back. It's ok. That's not you anymore." These are the things I whispered to myself and eventually I calmed down.

Fat Flashback. I don't know if others go through this, but I've had a few of these kinds of episodes. I assume it's my brain's way of dealing with change and fear. Even though it's been a year now in this new body, my head hasn't completely caught up with it all yet. Actually, I don't know if it ever will.

Plus, everyone who has ever lost a great deal of weight fears going back. Regain is the nightmare monster chasing us 24/7. I think when I remember being that way, the fear comes to me that the boogeyman is there. Again, my brain has to somehow deal with this shit, right? It is what it is.