Several days ago, I had a dream which really can only be described as some sort of "Twilight Zone"-themed nightmare. It was also a wake-up call...literally.
I wake up alone in my bedroom. My back hurts and I have a horrible headache. I feel awful, but I have to go to work so I attempt to haul myself from the bed. When I sit up, it is extremely difficult for some reason; I can't seem to make my body move the way it should. "What is wrong with me?" I think, groaning under the strain of simply moving. But I do find success and when I stand up, I look across the room to the big mirror on the back of my dresser - it faces my bed. Stunned at my reflection, a muffled gasp escapes from my throat. My face. I notice my face first. It is round, full and terrifying in its familiarity. My eyes sweep downward from there and I realize that this is my pre-op body, myself at my worst, highest weight. Around 500 pounds. This is why I am in pain. This is why I can't move.
Hold on.
Didn't I lose weight? Didn't I work so hard to prevent this feeling from ever coming back to me? What happened? Did I blow it? Did I gain everything back and then some while in some sort of pizza-and-Timbit-induced coma so that I don't remember gaining it??
Am I losing my mind or what?
Where's Erich??
Wait....
Where is me?? Myself?? The woman I worked so hard to find underneath? This is not me. What the hell happened?
Then I realize that success was a dream. I dreamed that I lost weight. I dreamed that I could run, ride rollercoasters and sit on my husband's lap. I simply dreamed those new skinny jeans, the tall boots and concert t-shirts. It never happened and this is me. I look in the mirror again...reality.
Success was a dream.
I start to cry. No, wail. I am wailing in agony. How could I have such a cruel dream? To have something like that and it be taken away in such an awful, terrible, crushing slap in the face? I collapse back onto the bed with a huge thud, my body feeling like a ton of lead. I am not used to this. I am used to feeling lighter. I thought I wasn't, but I am. How could I get used to something like that if it were only a dream?
About that time, my eyes fly open in a panic and I awake for real. Or is it for real? I am afraid to move for a second, afraid of reality. I look over at my "shoe shelf" and see my tall, black boots. Ok. I take a 10-second stock of my surroundings, my brain...Erich is sleeping beside me. Good sign. I sit up easily and look over in the dresser mirror. I know my face. Taking a deep breath, I get out of bed and blink, again looking around.
I did lose the weight. It wasn't a dream and I am ok.
I think this was a Fat Flashback of the worst kind. Worst because our subconscious mind can make things so real it is sometimes truly horrifying. And it was also a reminder to not fall back into old habits because that's what gaining it all back feels like. Or at least, that's what it would feel like for me.
I said in my last blog that my goal was to lose weight this holiday season, not gain it. Somehow, I achieved that - I lost five pounds. Better than gaining!! I have more work to do and honestly, I believe that dream was someone poking me on the shoulder telling me to not lose sight of the original dream that I worked so hard to bring into fruition: a new life, a new normal. It's here and all I have to do is keep the ball rolling.
Three resolutions in the new year: More gym time - it's fallen by the wayside in the past couple of months. There's no maintenance without movement.
Find some way to back up the hard drive in a more permanent way. I'm checking out online services such as Mozy and I intend to get finally suck it up and buy an external hard drive. Double back up. I'd seriously DIE if my HD crashed. A lot of stuff is backed up, but a lot isn't. Time to do something before the worst occurs and I end up in a fetal position, babbling "But I was going to..." over and over.
I need to pay more attention to this blog. I'm getting lazy in more ways than one. And I absolutely know that when I attend to this blog, I also attend to myself in a more meaningful way.
If I don't get to a new blog before the new year, you all have a great and safe celebration. Keep in mind you don't need a new year to start over, though it's as good a time as any. Just put one foot in front of the other. Peace!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Saturday, December 3, 2011
The whining women
When you're a fat chick, the last thing you want to hear is women thinner than you bitching about their weight. It feels insulting and it pisses said fat chicks off. I know, because I was one of those fat chicks all my life. Well....I still AM a fat chick, but I digress. Few things ticked me off more than a size-four woman whining about how she reeeeeeally needed to lose 10 pounds.
Notice I refer to fat CHICKS, because honestly, I don't know a single man who complains that his life would be complete if he could just shave off the last, stubborn 10 pounds. Not a single one. I think it tends to be a woman thing. We never think we're good enough, do we?
I have lost 250 pounds. I am healthy, happy (most of the time) and look better than I've looked since I was 18 years old (well, in most ways). See how I qualify everything? I truly believe the qualifiers, too. It never ends. No matter how you look or what you accomplish it's usually not enough. Why do we constantly seek perfection instead of taking a step back and recognizing what we've already done well?
The bad news is I can see myself turning into one of the whining women. The really bad news is that I truly do need to lose 10 pounds, but anyway....my point is that the way that thought is always in my brain makes me crazy. I hate it from the point of view that I'm turning into what I have never liked. Is it vanity? Probably not in my case. The elephant in the room is that for food addicts like me, 10 pounds easily turns into 20 - then 30 and so on. So getting a grip on things is very important.
I've spent a lot of time writing about how I wanted to be "normal". I did come to realize, eventually, that I am not and never will be "normal" in my relationship with food. I can't be casual with my diet and exercise - it's something I will have to be super conscious about my whole life. And it SUCKS.
The one thing that is "normal" and shouldn't be is this constant self-criticism. Every day I strive for some sort of happy medium between knowing I need to watch what I eat and trying not to be neurotic about it. Because I can see the neurosis is leading me to some slight depression and in turn, to bad choices....which is what I'm trying to avoid in the first place. There's no need to be perfect. Vigilant yes. The perfect, happy, shining face of gastric-bypass success? No.
With the holidays coming, we all walk a slippery slope. I think most people gain a couple pounds over the holidays and it's difficult to get back into healthy habits after the new year. But again, for food addicts like me, it's doubly difficult. Imagine a smoker who has quit, takes it up again for a month then must cut back to having only one cigarette a week. And they must be happy with that much nicotine and no more. That's a good comparison. This year I'm already behind the 8-ball in that I need to take off a few pounds as the chow-fest that is December begins. So, vigilance is the name of the game. I am not normal. But I'm also not perfect. The key is forgiveness and moving on, right? Right.
My intention is to LOSE weight this month, not gain. Wish me luck! This constant fight is not easy but the results are worth it. There is no going back to the old me.
Notice I refer to fat CHICKS, because honestly, I don't know a single man who complains that his life would be complete if he could just shave off the last, stubborn 10 pounds. Not a single one. I think it tends to be a woman thing. We never think we're good enough, do we?
I have lost 250 pounds. I am healthy, happy (most of the time) and look better than I've looked since I was 18 years old (well, in most ways). See how I qualify everything? I truly believe the qualifiers, too. It never ends. No matter how you look or what you accomplish it's usually not enough. Why do we constantly seek perfection instead of taking a step back and recognizing what we've already done well?
The bad news is I can see myself turning into one of the whining women. The really bad news is that I truly do need to lose 10 pounds, but anyway....my point is that the way that thought is always in my brain makes me crazy. I hate it from the point of view that I'm turning into what I have never liked. Is it vanity? Probably not in my case. The elephant in the room is that for food addicts like me, 10 pounds easily turns into 20 - then 30 and so on. So getting a grip on things is very important.
I've spent a lot of time writing about how I wanted to be "normal". I did come to realize, eventually, that I am not and never will be "normal" in my relationship with food. I can't be casual with my diet and exercise - it's something I will have to be super conscious about my whole life. And it SUCKS.
The one thing that is "normal" and shouldn't be is this constant self-criticism. Every day I strive for some sort of happy medium between knowing I need to watch what I eat and trying not to be neurotic about it. Because I can see the neurosis is leading me to some slight depression and in turn, to bad choices....which is what I'm trying to avoid in the first place. There's no need to be perfect. Vigilant yes. The perfect, happy, shining face of gastric-bypass success? No.
With the holidays coming, we all walk a slippery slope. I think most people gain a couple pounds over the holidays and it's difficult to get back into healthy habits after the new year. But again, for food addicts like me, it's doubly difficult. Imagine a smoker who has quit, takes it up again for a month then must cut back to having only one cigarette a week. And they must be happy with that much nicotine and no more. That's a good comparison. This year I'm already behind the 8-ball in that I need to take off a few pounds as the chow-fest that is December begins. So, vigilance is the name of the game. I am not normal. But I'm also not perfect. The key is forgiveness and moving on, right? Right.
My intention is to LOSE weight this month, not gain. Wish me luck! This constant fight is not easy but the results are worth it. There is no going back to the old me.
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