A thousand words

When Erich and I first got married, I insisted that we begin a tradition of having yearly family portraits taken with my stepdaughter, Ericha. My family and friends were very far away and when I sent Christmas cards, I wanted a nice update to include along with it. Ericha's birthday is in early November so we would always schedule a session around that time in order to get a nice shot of her, alone, and have the prints back in time to send in our Christmas cards. I was also eager to start some traditions for Ericha and indeed, this was something she seemed to look forward to every year.

We stopped when she turned 18 in 2007. But last year, Erich and I talked about getting some professional portraits done for our 10th wedding anniversary. We didn't have any really nice photographs of us since my weight loss and it being a special occasion, we decided to revive the tradition and include Ericha in the session as well.

When I went to the pre-session consultation (this was big time, no usual Sears or Walmart portraits...LOL), the photographer wanted to know what kind of family we were. Casual, formal, playful, etc. I told her we were very casual. Just because this was a professional session, there would be no formal wear and no stuffy poses. I told her my husband's hair was shoulder length and my stepdaughter's was pink. Multiple tattoos and piercings all around. So you get the idea. She laughed and said "Wonderful!"

The photo session was interesting and fun. None of us had never posed for a pro before, so there was some trial and error as they hovered around us with light meters and gently persuaded us to move a hand, tilt a head, or put on a genuine smile.

The results were more than I could've hoped for. The photo on the left below is the one from our first family portrait, in 2002. The one on the right is from the latest session (click to enlarge).



After showing this before-and-after to someone just the other day, she asked me, in reference to the shot on the right, "Did you ever think you would look like that? Or could look like that?" No. Absolutely not! I suppose I do so many of these before-and-after things because the change doesn't hit me too much when I look in the mirror. I need to see it with my own eyes laid out before me, then I get it. And it helps! It's motivating and makes me understand all the hard work I've done and how I never want to go back.

Motivation for maintenance is key. You have to do what works for you, whatever it is that makes you get up and go to the gym, eat healthy at least most of the time, and love yourself enough for your accomplishment to GET IT. Look what you've done! It's amazing! But it ain't free. You have to work at it forever. But it's very important to take the time and be present in your mind to look at what you've done and what you CAN do.

Here's our 10th anniversary portrait. I can't say enough about my love for my husband. Partnership and support through this whole journey is of the utmost importance. And the best thing about him is this: He loved me just as much in that 2002 portrait as he does in this one. Just as much.

Coat tales

Before I lost weight, I would "joke" that I had to be the biggest person in Canada.

I couldn't find a single, solitary thing to wear in stores. Everyone - and I mean everyone - around was smaller than me; indeed, most people were a healthy, normal weight, but even those who were obese weren't as big as I was. The difference in the appearance of the population between my hometown in south-central Ohio and here was jarring to me, especially at first. Most of the time, I felt like a freak. I hadn't felt that to the same degree at home because there were a lot of people around who looked like me. Unfortunately.

When I arrived here 10 years ago, I complained that sizes in Walmart only went to 3X in clothes and size 10 in shoes. Plus-size specialty stores had sizes up to 4X. Seriously...what the hell was I going to do? My mother-in-law made a lot of my clothes and I did a lot of stocking up on trips home. That's how I avoided scaring folks by walking around naked.

My favorite line was "There are no fat people in Canada!" None like me, anyway!

Since losing weight, I have given away an entire wardrobe of clothes. I sold very little, preferring to give most of it to thrift stores and charities. However, I had some really nice coats that I couldn't see giving away. I mean, a size 4X leather trench coat and a never-worn size 6X parka....there has to be a market for that, right? Someone, somewhere would buy them. So I put them a lot of other offerings on our local Kijiji and figured I'd be rid of them within a few days. If I'd seen this stuff listed pre-op, I would've been jumping for joy, I reasoned. There has to be someone who is having a hard time finding a coat who will be really pleased to take one off my hands.

WRONG.

I first listed them last fall and got lots of responses right away so I was optimistic. But I quickly learned people don't understand the concept of these sizes. I had women show up to try on a size 5X jacket or coat who were clearly much smaller than that. As soon as some of them walked in, I knew. "What the hell are people thinking?" I would ask Erich. "You can't wear a 5X if you're clearly a 2 or 3X!" Every time someone came by, the coats were too big for them. Always.

I sold two out of 16 items.

After briefly considering giving them all away, I decided to keep four of the nicer, more expensive ones and gave the rest away because well, one of my old coats takes up the room of three or four in my new size. I needed the space. So this past fall, I re-listed the four. No hits. Not a single one!

Finally, this past weekend, someone emailed about the size 6X parka. Dude drove about 45 minutes to come try it on. He really wanted it. I handed it to him and his first words are "Whoa! It's big!" Well....yeah, it's a 6X. It's big. WTF? He tried it on. Too big.

Sigh.

After being told what I weighed pre-op, I've had people (here, in Ontario) say to me that they never would've thought I weighed that much. Maybe 250 pounds or something. That, to them, is the highest they can imagine someone weighing. By that I mean that they don't have a concept of what 450 pounds looks like so they can't imagine anyone weighing that much. I guess when you weigh 120 pounds, 250 seems enormous. So maybe that's what's going on with the coats, but in reverse. These people have no concept of a size 6X (because it doesn't exist much up here) but they know they're big; so they show up thinking they'll be able to wear it but can't. It's weird.

So now I don't know what the hell to do with these beautiful, wonderful coats. I know someone would love to have them but those people are certainly not in my area. I don't want to mess around with shipping so e-bay is out. Maybe I'll hang onto them till I go home and have my parents put them up for sale there.

Hm. Maybe I was right all along and I really WAS the biggest person in Canada! I'm kidding. I know I wasn't but I find this misconception of obesity and size by people around me strangely fascinating because I know there wouldn't be this issue in my area of Ohio.

If you know any plus or super plus-size people who need a winter coat, send them my way!

So you're considering bariatric surgery?

As I mentioned in my last blog, a friend of mine recently had gastric bypass surgery at a nearby hospital. He came through everything just fine, as expected. There is no doubt in my mind he will be successful - because he totally rocks - and I am so excited to bear witness to the wonderful journey on which he has embarked.

There are a few other friends of mine who are either considering surgery or completing preliminary programs and waiting on a surgery date. While no beacon of knowledge, I make myself available to those who have questions and concerns. I've been through this and like to think I can add something to the table. However, I also make it clear that my experience is mine alone. Everyone's is different and you should only do what you and your doctor feel is right for you.

Looking back through old posts recently, it occurs to me probably one of the most valuable things I can give to those who are searching for answers - beyond answering individual questions, which I'm happy to do - is direct them to the blogs I wrote surrounding my surgery date. Maybe start in late June, 2009 and continue on through July. My surgery date was July 7, 2009 and I wrote about the actual surgical procedure and its aftermath here.

Day one of my pre-op liquid diet, and a particular passage caught my eye:

Right now, I'm in a much better mood than I thought I'd be. I've been on the verge of tears a few times, but overall I'm ok. I'm hungry, but I'll live. The first day is always the worst. But what I'm doing now to overcome this lifelong, debilitating affliction is a small price to pay for living long enough to hear one more song; read one more book; feel one more hug or kiss - write one more word.

It'll be worth it.

This is something all bariatric patients, including myself, need to remember when the going gets tough. It's also true for those who haven't had the surgery. It's hard, it sucks some days, but it's all worth it in the end. I haven't spoken to anyone, personally, who wouldn't repeat the surgery and go through all the bullshit over again. I was very lucky and had very few physical side effects. Most of my issues were psychological and I still struggle with those.

Recovery from food addiction and obesity is a lifelong process, like recovery from anything else. There are times when I fall off the proverbial wagon and have to chase it down again, scrambling back on with both hands and holding on for dear life. If I don't, I'll end up right back where I started and I want to ride that wagon, baby! Take me far away from the behavior patters I made in the past, please. It's not easy or something that will ever be effortless, at least not for me. Choices are made each day to be healthy, to continue living. You'd think that would be effortless and a no-brainer but it's not. When your demons get a hold of you, they are difficult to eradicate.

There are also a couple links to the side of this blog I found helpful but I will also put them here for those who are interested. The woman who started the website from which they originated doesn't update anymore but she left everything up and it's a good read. After you get to these FAQ sections, I would suggest clicking around her site via the links on the top right of those pages:

FAQs for pre-ops

FAQs for post-ops

Again, her experience differs from mine and yours will likely be different from both of ours, but it's still worth checking out, in my opinion.

Good luck to everyone choosing a healthier lifestyle, whether it's through surgery or not. I'm here for you in any way I can be!

Cool clothes?

Shallow blog alert:

Clothes are weird. When people lose weight, you hear about them going nuts buying clothes because of the sudden abundance of choices. Now, of course I did that - the sheer joy of owning things I was never able to fit into was not lost on me. But now that I'm "settling" into maintenance I have noticed something: Clothes are still difficult to find.

At first, I just wanted the damn shirt because it was a 2X...or a 1X...then an XL. I can wear it? Then I must have it!!! Right now!!! There were things in my closet that, in the clear light of day, made me go WTF? much like taking off beer goggles the morning after a drunken one-night stand.

Wandering around any random women's clothing department, nowadays I'm trying to be much pickier about what finds its way into my cart. And here's the thing - most of the time, I prefer the styles of the plus-size department. Shocked? Not more than me.

So I got to thinking about this....why? For years, I assumed I wore the clothes I was physically able to wear for that lone reason. They fit on my body, so I bought them. Of course, I couldn't wear many things in the plus-size department anyway; I was too big, even for them. But I wanted to. Badly. And sometimes I still do. I'm not sure if I grew to like the styles because of necessity or what but in some instances I find myself turning my nose up at the offerings in the misses' department and wishing I could find something small enough in plus sizes.

Weird, huh?

Just another thing I bet most people don't consider when beginning a weight-loss journey. I know, I know....cry me a river. And honestly, it's not a huge thing but it's on my mind so now you're going to read about it. Sorry!

It's not all about patterns and colours. My new body is also a big factor in why it's difficult to find things that suit me because I often discover I need the cut of a plus size (nipped-in waist, fuller cut in the tummy/hips) but the numbers on the tag aren't small enough. The "regular" clothes aren't cut for someone with all this extra skin. Spanx helps but doesn't work miracles.

So the hunt for cool clothes is never ending for us all, right? To be continued...

A shout-out to a very special reader/friend who will go under the knife this week and start his own weight-loss journey: You know who you are. Good luck and I'm merely an email or phone call away if you need anything. You're going to do this and kick ass. I know it! *hugs*

Making a list

I came across an old forgotten list yesterday. No heading, but I can guess the topic:

- Walk long distances
- Buy any clothes I want
- Not worry about width or strength of seats at concerts, movies, etc.
- Sit in a booth
- Cross my legs
- Sit on Erich's lap
- More energy
- Have people easily pass by me at my workstation
- Stand **UP** at concerts or just in general
- Never be embarrassed to be seen again

So let's take stock of these goals:

- Well, I officially walked a 5K but I certainly have walked farther than that, too. So I think that counts. It's funny that I put this at the top of the list...maybe it was because when I started exercising, I could only walk a few feet before wanting to stop due to the pain and breathlessness.

- It took me a long time to not think too much about the strength and width of seats before I sat down, but I don't too much anymore. The fear has lessened greatly.

- Every time I sit in a booth, I am happy. I think about how I once couldn't do that every time I climb into one. And I will sit in a booth everywhere if I can. 20+ years of answering "Table" to the question "Booth or table?" is o-v-e-r.

- I now cross my legs as a matter of comfort. It's how I prefer to sit. Unthinkable pre-op.

- I still feel odd sitting on Erich's lap but I love to do it. Just because I can.

- More energy is a given.

- This took a long time to get over as well. Until recently, I pushed my chair in when I sensed someone was about to walk behind me at work. But slowly, I'm understanding that it's no longer an issue.

- I can stand and rock out for an entire show then walk blocks and blocks back to my car. No sweat.

- I'm not embarrassed to be seen anywhere. Being in a bathing suit on a beach in the Dominican Republic went a long way towards easing that fear!

I guess I was brainstorming? Probably thinking of things to write about. Most likely these goals did become part of the history of this blog, as they became history in my life. I think it's safe to say I've accomplished them all with the exception of the second one. "Buying any clothes I want" isn't going to happen without skin-removal surgery which isn't going to happen without a winning lottery ticket. But if that's all I have to worry about then I'm good. And I do pretty well - last month I bought two size-10 dresses. I've decided to buy all my clothes at Sears now, since the sizing is obviously skewed as I am NOT a size 10. However, a label is a label! :)))

This list seems like it was created pretty early in my journey. So much has happened to me, it seems like a lifetime ago when I felt that way. Yet it also seems like yesterday. Some people, after they lose a lot of weight, say "I don't even know that person. She/he isn't me anymore." They shake their heads at their former selves and shudder. But I don't feel that way at all. That was me; it IS me. How can I forget her or have any malice toward her? She kept me alive for 40 years and I am grateful to her for her strength in the creation of the NEW me.

I don't want to forget the woman who made this list. If I do, I will lose myself and fail.

And she is a winner. Oh yeah! She is!