Habits of highly successful people

In the past year or so, I've let old habits creep back into my life and I have the regain to show for it. These past couple of weeks, my focus hasn't been on weight loss specifically, but to break those habits once again.

I had started doing sabotaging things like bringing unhealthy food into the house, regretting it, then rationalizing "Well, it's here, I'll eat it but won't buy any more." It sounds so ridiculous coming from someone who worked so hard to lose 250 pounds, but that's what I was doing. Sometimes I'd pick up a candy bar at the checkout. The vending machine at work, where I work ALONE at night, I might add, was a major draw. So I'm trying to break those habits once again and succeeding very well, I think. Down seven pounds, I'm pretty happy with the results so far, both on the scale and in my brain.

A return to common sense is what's needed here. That's all, nothing more. I do hate it when weight-loss gurus and internet "experts" who comment on weight-loss stories say in frustration, "Just eat less, move more and don't eat junk. It's simple!" It's NOT simple. If it was, no one would have a weight problem. So while it is a matter of common sense, it's not that easy. But I do believe in setting up your surroundings for success. It's not a matter of "just because it's there doesn't mean you have to eat it." People who have a healthy relationship with food say shit like that. For the rest of us, we have to create common sense mindfully. We have to work at it.

I'm no longer sure I'll ever have a normal, healthy relationship with food. When I started this journey, I said all I wanted was to be normal. I wanted to not have to think about food all the fucking time. I mean, think about that; to ensure success, we have to put a lot of thought into it. No other addiction is like that in the way it is with food. We have to constantly think about and carefully plan how much of our crack we can have. Over the years, we can hope to develop good habits and I think most of us do, but it's soooooo easy to fall off that wagon. The world around us is set up for us to fail. We must be mindful at all times. That kinda sucks, but that's just the way it is. Try to find out what triggers you and avoid it as much as you can. I read on bariatric websites and Facebook pages where patients say things like "I now eat because I have to, not because I want to." Lemme tell ya something - that will never be me! LOL! I still love to eat. I will have to be very careful for the rest of my life. And I wonder if people who say things like that ever had an actual food addiction or maybe they've had severe complications with their surgery and it hinders their ability to eat. I dunno. All I know is I find that VERY strange to hear from our community. Kudos to them, but that's not me.

So...breaking bad habits. Yes, that's working. Cross your fingers for me.

Erich and I are moving in late June and over Canada Day weekend. We found a sweet little house with three bedrooms. The basement is rented out, but we will have two floors and full use of the garage, as many as three cars in the driveway and the backyard. I have wanted out of this apartment for YEARS! Yay! We're excited but stressed out about the move, mainly because we can't find many people available to help us over the long weekend. Erich and I are not overflowing with friends - we're both introverts and don't let people in easily - and family is fairly nonexistent so...it's a problem. Add in the fact that my lifting ability is hindered because I'm STILL recovering from this damn tummy tuck and we're starting to feel the stress. I told him I'll put on two binders (LOL) and we'll just do it. No matter what. And no stress eating for me!

My other mission this summer is to attempt to make peace with my batwings. That's the extra skin hanging off my upper arms, for those not familiar with the term. Unless there's a winning lottery ticket somewhere, that skin is staying put. Last weekend, I wore a sleeveless top - without a shrug or sweater! - out in public for the first time since my weight loss. It didn't kill me. People didn't stare, throw stones or chase me down the street with torches and pitchforks. I'm going to do my best to wear them more and more this summer. Swimsuits, however....no, I'm not there yet. The excess skin on my upper thighs is BAD. No, it's really bad. No one needs to see that! I will wear board shorts or something (it needs to be knee length).

But sleeveless, I'm going to try.

Back up the mountain

It's time to get real.

By spending the last nine months sitting on my ass recovering from tummy tuck surgery, recurring sinus infections and a knee injury, I have found myself in a dreaded situation.

"Re-gain" is a term easily found on bariatric message boards and in support groups. Some people try their best to hide it, some ignore it, some justify it, some tackle it head on and get back to the basics of the program to lose it. Weight loss surgery will not make you thin forever; you have to eat well and exercise. There are NO long-term shortcuts.

I've been carrying around 10-15 "extra" pounds for a few years now, but my weight was stabilized so that was ok with me. No, it really was. A lot of times, people who experience massive weight loss will indeed gain a few pounds after reaching their goal weight - the term I've heard for this is "bounceback". Take Biggest Loser winner Rachel Frederickson, who recently made headlines for appearing shockingly thin on the show's finale. Rachel has since gained 20 pounds. I knew that would happen to her and I wasn't surprised at all when it did. When it happened to me - though I was by no means underweight when I reached my goal - I didn't let it worry me too much. Honestly, I thought I looked very drawn and a little strange at my goal weight. I have been ok with my weight for a long time.

But the past year has been tough. Not long before my tummy tuck, I started a new job working afternoon shift and that lifestyle change has been an adjustment. I don't cope well with change; it's an issue for me. And I have a terrible habit of sticking my head in the sand and procrastinating solving problems instead of, you know, actually solving them. Very Scarlett O'Hara: "I won't think about that now. I'll think about that tomorrow."

Do I sound like I'm making excuses? I guess I am. I'm also a defensive person. Basically, I'm a mess! But that has to change. *I* have to change.

The scale was going up. I could see that, I knew it. A few cycles of the trusty 5 Day Pouch Test definitely worked, but it doesn't work if you go right back to eating crap again. It's always been very clear to me that I need to exercise to maintain my weight because I'm not good at abstaining from every single food that's bad for me. I will eat pizza, I will have an occasional sliver of pie. And that's fine - moderation - but I must keep moving to even things out. And I haven't really been doing that for almost a year now. Can you say horribly out of shape?

So the scale was going up but I didn't see it yet. Not in the mirror, not in my clothes. "I'll think about that tomorrow." Well, baby, tomorrow is NOW. All of the sudden, my jeans got tighter. I didn't like pictures of myself anymore.

This past weekend, I participated in a race with a bunch of friends. We have an exercise group called Badbass Babes. We have our own logo, our own t-shirts. We're pretty badass! Professional photographers were along the route and when the photos came out, I couldn't believe the woman in those shots was me. There it was. RE-GAIN. I posted one of the photos a full THREE TIMES on Facebook and deleted it each time because I think I look so large in it.



I'm wearing a few layers, my legs & neck desperately need skin-removal plastics but...that's all me. I can't deny it anymore. About 30 pounds needs to come off. Face it, Scarlett.

Changes have already been made. I was starting to eat more often and badly - grabbing junk out of a vending machine or checkout line, bringing baked goods into the house, etc. Why was I doing that? Maybe to soothe myself because I physically felt so bad all the time. I'm not sure. But that's stopped already, even before I saw these pictures. However, I bought a few things over the weekend in the States that I justified by saying that I don't get to have them often. They're in the garbage now. It's over. I have to get serious about this again. I worked way too hard to get this weight off to allow it to creep back on.

It's so easy to get complacent and let old habits back in, especially as the years tick by. A crack addict can avoid crack. Crack addicts don't have to pass 10 fast-crack establishments on every street and crack isn't readily available in every store. Crack isn't advertised on tv and in magazines. People aren't smoking crack on every street corner. You can avoid friends who smoke crack; you never have to be around it again. This isn't the case with food. Moderation is a slippery slope. I did it for four years, though, and it worked for me. But it has to be a more EXTREME moderation, at least for now. I have been letting foods back into my diet with an ever-increasing laissez faire attitude. It's too dangerous.

I'm doing well in physiotherapy for my knees and seem to be back on track for regular exercise again. So it's time to get serious!

A good friend of mine has been posting in our support group about her re-gain and she may not realize how she has inspired me to come out about my own issues. I've been struggling with it for a few months now - whether to blog about it, how to say that I feel badly for letting this happen, for disappointing both myself and people who care about me. She has spurred me to be open about it. No journey is without speedbumps, miraculous hills as well as deep, dark valleys. No one is alone here. It's time to start climbing back up to the mountaintop. One step at a time, putting one foot in front of the other.

Find your Health Hero

You are stronger than you think. This has been my motto on my journey to better health for over five years now. In my moments of self-perceived weakness, I found strength in myself.

When I decided to have RNY gastric bypass surgery in 2009, I didn't join a support group. Indeed, I didn't know there were any to join; there may not have been any at the time in this area. I made my own phone calls, researched the protocol to get the surgery approved out of Canada since I'd already been turned away from a local clinic, and figured it out. My family doctor had no idea what to do and had very little knowledge of the surgery or how to care for me during or after the process. I had to lead her through it as well. I was her test case and after my success, she has gone on to recommend the surgery for other patients.

Maybe I was naive, but I didn't do much surfing around online or anything...not for support, at least. Honestly, I didn't know about any of that stuff. And when I did discover a few online forums I was turned off pretty quickly. Post one random thought or question and you'll get 10 different responses ranging from gratitude and interest to sneering and eye rolling. I didn't, and don't, need the drama. Henry Ford Hospital in Detroit, where I had my procedure, gave me a huge blue binder full of information and I read it voraciously. Again, maybe not too smart of me, but that was about it. I knew what I had to do to be successful and just did it.

Here's my favorite "before" photo. Christmas, 2008 (click to enlarge).


So when people ask me who my mentor is/was, who is my Health Hero, it's surprisingly difficult. After thinking about it for a while, I think it's me! Is that a weird answer? Let me explain.

Were there people I looked up to on this journey? Sure! I never missed an episode of The Biggest Loser or Ruby. But I had to make adjustments for my personal journey, as would anyone else. I tried to ignore it when, as a pre-op, I watched Allison Sweeney roll her eyes and shake her head at the mention of gastric bypass surgery. For me, there was more interest in someone my exact weight (444 pounds) shrinking more and more every week, doing things I didn't think I could. But hey, I was stronger than I thought; I could to that, too. I laughed as Ruby Gettinger smashed her talking scale with a sledgehammer - the exact same scale I had, purchased because it weighed up to 600 pounds - and it said "HELLO...I'M READY" after she thought she destroyed it. OMG, the thing was still alive! As is our quest for health. You can't kill it. Just when you think you're done, you're not. There were many teachable moments on television.

About three weeks after my surgery I found out about a local support group and went to my first meeting. It was at someone's house and there were two people there. It was kind of awkward and a little strange. I understand it was the middle of summer and people are busy, but I dunno. I just never went back. Again, probably not smart on my part. The best thing to come out of that meeting was I was told about The World According to Eggface, which is a wonderful resource for weight loss surgery patients. I still follow Shelly to this day, and she led me to Beth, a.k.a. Melting Mama. These two ladies are definitely worth a look if you're going through the process.

Here's a photo from around that time, August 2009 (click to enlarge):


It must be said that I, like a lot of morbidly obese or super morbidly obese folks, have an issue with meeting new people. Even in a setting where those around me are ostensibly like me, I fear being judged. For my appearance, for my choices, etc. I find myself to be oddly quiet in group settings when I'm definitely not that way normally. I'm a very opinionated, sarcastic and strangely funny person. But I clam up if I don't know you well because I fear saying or doing the wrong thing and seeming foolish. Even five years post-op, this is still somewhat true.

So I chugged along on my own for another three years until Melting Mama's Facebook page led me to a different local support group. This time I went and was much more comfortable. Maybe it was the atmosphere - a mall food court - or maybe it was just that I was ready to mingle, at a different point in my weight loss where I was open to sharing. I had lost 250 pounds by that point and certainly felt better about myself. This blog gave me confidence that I could share with others and also learn a few things myself! I love these people but they're not necessarily my Health Heroes. They inspire me with their determination, failure and forgiveness.

Here's me in September 2012, around the time I found my present support group (click to enlarge). I am getting ready to compete in my first 10K here:


But still, ultimately, it's up to me.

I'm the one who has to reach down inside myself and find a reason to continue. To have scrambled eggs and Greek yogurt for breakfast instead of pancakes & bacon. To go to the gym instead of cuddling up on the sofa with my husband. To set goals, like the half marathon I completed last spring, which force me to take care of myself and treat myself with respect. One of the most difficult lessons to learn is that WE ARE WORTH THE EFFORT. It's so easy to sit back and do nothing. Heroes rise to the occasion and put forth the effort to do what's right. And we all have that inside us.

Give thanks to those who have inspired you in some way, but also give credit to yourself. You are the one who recognized that inspiration and how it could benefit your own life. Then you put a plan in place, taking the steps necessary to achieve your own success. That was all you and no one else. But with that realization also comes responsibility; it's also up to you to keep up the good work. Celebrate your own heroism! It's yours for the taking.

Haircut and run?

Tummy tucks are...challenging for the impatient.

I am now 14 weeks post op and lemme tell ya something; I am nowhere near back to normal. Not that I ever WAS normal, but....you know what I mean. My RNY gastric bypass was a walk in the park, recovery wise, compared to this. It's not that I've had any complications or anything like that. On the contrary, I'm doing very well! It's just a long process when someone slices through your abdominal muscles, takes off 13 pounds of skin and tissue, then sews you back up. It takes a while.

Never being one to be patient with anything at all in life, ever, this is getting on my nerves. I want to go back to my life. Can't. I still don't lift very much - because I know from past experience I'll regret it if I do - and I am not able to work out very hard. The first time I really, really pushed myself was November 18 and I felt it all week long. Thinking I could do it without my binder - or Spanx, at this point - was a mistake. I had been getting along so well that I hadn't had it on for well over a week, though I still take it to work with me every day in case I need it. Well, after that workout, I was back to wearing it every day again.

The thing is this: I need to move. I will gain weight if I don't push myself, so I'm kind of worried. And I'm out of shape from sitting on the sofa recovering.

My support group, the Community of Bariatric Patients of Southern Ontario, has put together a couple of teams to take part in an event called the Santa Shuffle. It's a 5K to support the Salvation Army. We're going to wear Santa hats and freeze our asses off, but it'll be fun and for a good cause! It's no secret that I love events like this. I never participated in sports growing up because well, just dragging my "husky" self through gym class was demoralizing enough; it never entered my head to put myself through that voluntarily! LOL! So I was 41 the first time I crossed a finish line. It was amazing! The endorphin rush and shot of self-esteem was crazy and I enjoy it every single time.

I figured a 5K would be a good, easy start to get me back into the event swing of things. I've already signed up for a 10K and a half marathon next year; I need to get my shit together. Well, after my dismal performance at the gym on Nov. 18, I got a little concerned that I would embarrass myself at the Shuffle, so I signed up for a 2.5K on the 24th. The annual Jingle Bell Run features a 2.5K fun run/walk and a 5K run to benefit the YMCA, which I belong to (that's how I found out about the event). Figuring I could use the cold-weather outing/training and event atmosphere as a warm-up to the Shuffle, I signed up for the 2.5K, the "kiddie" run. LOL! I certainly wasn't the only adult in the race, but yeah, it was mostly kids. Cute kids. Who are in way better shape than me!

I put on my cold-weather gear purchased for that one-time-only (seriously) RUN I did this past March, a set of pink cammo reindeer antlers and hoped for the best. Oh...and I wore my binder. Yeah.

The thought going in was to break my dismal 10-minute kilometer I presented at the gym on the 18th. I figured if I could beat that, in the biting cold, I would be happy. So I needed to finish under 25 minutes. And I did it! Just under 23. And right in front of an older couple, just like back in March. LOL! Yay! I beat the old people again!



I felt good during the race, no pain. Got a free massage afterwards, which always helps. Later on that night, though, my abdomen started protesting. By the next morning, I was popping Tylenol and reaching for my binder again. Wore it all week, too. I dunno....now I'm worried about the Shuffle 5K. I'll do the best I can and try not to push myself too hard but I know that will be difficult. When the race starts and I see everyone moving around me, I'll want to GO. I need to take care of myself but I also want to get moving!

My hair has been making me crazy lately, so I decided to book an appointment with a stylist popular with some of my friends in my support group. She was responsible for the makeover featured at our meet & greet last month, too. My hair is 95% back to pre-gastric bypass normal. It's thick and curly again, but still very dry and coarse. The texture isn't the same and it's not quite as thick as it once was. But I can't complain. I'd been growing it out for a long time without a good trim so it needed some help. This is the result - keep in mind I haven't worn my hair straight since the '80s. When everyone else had big hair, I was trying to tame mine by wearing it short and as straight as I could get it. LOL! Anyway...the new cut:



Am I going to recreate this every day? Hells no. It took Terra (the pro) several balms, ointments and tools (none of which I own or know how to use) to get this result and I'm just not the girl who's willing to spend a lot of time on her hair. I wash and go. She said that would be possible with this cut; I hope so. People have been raving about it - to my face, anyway! LOL! I'm still on the fence about the straight thing; the short thing I'm ok with. My first impression was that I looked like a PTA mom or an anchorwoman and much older. Conventional, conservative, sort of like everyone else's hair. It's just so different, I guess! So unlike anything I've ever done to my hair. It'll take some getting used to. The remarkable thing is that I slept on this hair last night and it still looks this way right now. THAT is incredible. LOL! The positive feedback has been nice, though - often, certainly, we see ourselves in one way while others have a different view. If enough people tell you that you look good...maybe you should believe them.

My husband is on wife #5 at this point. He just keeps looking at me and saying WOW. Not sure if it's a good wow or a bad wow.

Ah well. The ride continues!! Happy Thanksgiving if you're in the States and reading this. I miss my family during the holidays so much. Maybe one day I'll have a job where I can actually take time off every year and make it home.

Getting there

Probably not too smart to do an entry at 3am but I'm a WTF kinda girl, so here we go.

Day 34 post-op. I had an appointment with my surgeon on Thursday. Well...it was supposed to be with my surgeon, but I was almost 30 minutes late due to the total suckage of Toronto traffic - I left early and took the supposedly super-fast toll highway and was still late - so I ended up seeing his partner instead. He's a nice guy; it was fine. He removed several stitches that had "pushed out" (his phrase) and told me I was healing remarkably well considering my stage in recovery. "You are well ahead of schedule, based on how this looks," he said of my Bride of Frankenstein scarring. Oh...it's supposed to look worse than this? Alrighty then.

I do seem to have good luck with recovery, knock on wood. My gastric bypass was very uneventful and remains so to this day, save a slightly low ferritin level. I can't complain.

He told me I should be ok to return to work on schedule, September 23, but he still didn't want me lifting anything. I got no real answers to the itching problem (largely gone now) or the low blood pressure issue (still hanging around). Just more of what I've already heard that neither explains why it was/is happening nor gives me any way to relieve it. So I just let it drop. Ok. No answers to Cindy Weirdness, as usual...moving on.

He also looked through the photos that my PS asked me to bring with me to the OR the day of my surgery that were in my chart and went on and on about how much progress I've made, how far I've come. "You should be one of our models," he said to me. "If we had models!" He even went back through my surgeon's camera to find the shots he took of me in the OR that day. I never know how real that stuff is when I hear it. Is this something everyone hears? Maybe. So I never know how to react. When the appointment was over, he led me out to the waiting area and had the PS's assistant (the psycho) look at my before pictures, resulting in my first real "moment" with the woman. She told me how she was trying to get a relative of hers to have weight loss surgery; how she sees the results every day and it would be good for the relative to go through with it, but the person was afraid. She told me she thought I was brave and admired what I'd done. Whaaaa?? It was actually a nice conversation. Will wonders never cease? She is human after all.

He took some photos of me to show my PS and I made another appointment in a month's time. The drive to and from Toronto wiped me out and I went to bed early, sleeping late. I still get tired quite easily.

As far as how I feel..physically and mentally I'm doing better and better every day. I can bend fairly normally now and I feel like getting up and doing things - which means I'm becoming a bit bored - instead of sitting around and napping all the time. In fact, I was feeling so well that I tried on most of my wardrobe last week...and regretted it soon afterwards. It completely wiped me out. Before the surgery, I was warned not to overdo it when I started to feel better. Good advice.

There are two big trash bags full of clothes that are now too big for me. Shirts, jeans, pants, dresses...a lot have to go. And a lot just fit better, too. I still have a lot of clothes! LOL! But I will need to get new underwear and some new jeans. The selection of non-granny panty undies is a little overwhelming. I've never been able to wear such things and don't really know where to start! I keep looking around then leaving empty-handed because I just...I dunno. Dunno what to buy, I guess! A friend has offered to help me with that so we'll see how that goes. LOL! I need instruction on buying underwear. I also need to investigate low-rise jeans. Having to pull my old jeans up to my armpits (LOL) and cinch my belt three more notches isn't going to cut it.

Here's a shot I already posted on Facebook, but it shows what used to be my favorite pair of cropped jeans, along with a t-shirt I have never been able to wear because it's an XL that fits like a medium:


My support group has clothing exchanges, so I'm hoping to find something through that avenue. Also, there will be a massive exchange at the meet and greet I mentioned in my last post. So...wish me luck.

Insomnia sucks. Still not really tired...I think one of the reasons I'm having trouble sleeping tonight is I know I have to go back to work soon. After my appointment on Thursday, I stopped in at my company to let my supervisors know that I'd be back on time and everything was going well. This was the first time I'd walked in the place since I left. Hardly anyone gave me the time of day. It was very clear I was interrupting World Peace Talks or something. There were only a few people who even stopped what they were doing long enough to ask me how I was feeling. It's the main thing I don't like about the place - everyone is "too busy", the company is very impersonal and cold. There are people who have worked in the same building for years and don't know one another. I dunno, I find that to be very sad. Maybe it's just me. I'm not really looking forward to going back.

I think trying on the clothes helped my brain catch up a bit. It forced me to look in the mirror and grasp that this is the way I look now. And I look pretty damn good with clothes on! LOL!

TT PTSD

I know it's been too long since my last entry, but I have a good reason. The feelings I'm having are a little complex, enough that I have been having trouble putting them into words.

So now I'm 24 days post-op from my tummy tuck (TT) and doing pretty well. Well, if you don't count the stun-gun zaps from nerve regeneration and the feeling like Mike Tyson has been using my abdomen for a sparring partner (muscle repair healing). There has also been a lot of itching. Not so much from the incision sites, but all over my torso. I stopped taking Percocets a while back and just take Tylenol as needed at this point, also Benadryl for the aforementioned weird itching. All of that has been been getting better the past couple of days, however, so I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

My next appointment with my surgeon is next Thursday, September 12 and I'm not looking forward to the drive to Scarborough. Sigh. I find I get tired pretty easily. When I go out, I want to come home as soon as possible...mostly to take a nap.

Then there's my binder. Ahhh, the binder. It's such a love/hate thing. I was cleared to stop using it at 3 weeks post op but...I feel like I still need it. I hate wearing it but I feel like my guts are gonna fall out if I don't. So yeah. Still wearing either it or tight Spanx for the most part.

From an emotional standpoint, I have ups and downs. Now, the expected reaction might be complete elation but well...it's more complicated than that, at least for me. You know how you finally remodel the kitchen that's been driving you crazy for years and while you're thrilled with the results, it also highlights the fact that you also really, really need a new sofa, window treatments and yeah...the bathroom needs work, too? That's kinda how it's been for me lately.

For most of my life, my stomach has been a huge area of concern. Referring to my lower abdomen as my "drop stomach", I sort of learned to work around it. I bought shirts that covered it as much as possible - long and loose. Finding a shirt that would hit the tops of my thighs (always my goal) could be very difficult for my 5'10" self. It's weird to say, but I got used to looking the way I did, I guess. But my stomach was a pain in my ass because it was so hard to clothe and it was always in the way. Lifting it up and out of my way to do even the most basic of hygiene tasks...it wasn't pretty. So I was really looking forward to the TT so I could finally be rid of it! And don't get me wrong, it's awesome! Even though I'm squeamish and don't like to look at the horrible scars too much (LOL), what I see of my abdomen when I ignore them, I do like. And I've never said that before...ever.

But it just makes everything else more vivid. Especially my thighs. Lord god almighty. The problem is that I can SEE them now. So while I'm looking in the mirror at my new, flat stomach - I'm also seeing these absolutely horrific upper thighs. And much like my stomach, there is absolutely nothing short of plastic surgery that is going to make them look much better. Let's put it this way...when people excitedly tell me they bet I can't wait for bikini season...while I appreciate the good wishes that I know such a comment entails...I will never wear a bikini, or even a bathing suit, because of my thighs.

Maybe a bikini TOP and board shorts.

This pisses me off, you know? It makes me mad that now there's this other thing that looks like total shit and also that it bothers me so much!! I know my brain just needs to catch up (again) to this huge change and I'll be ok. Honestly, I know that. Good enough needs to be good enough. Someone blogged about this very topic not long ago....yeah. Practice what you preach, Cin.

The good news is, most everything I've tried on so far has been baggy. Especially my shirts and dresses, which was unexpected. I expected to change more in my jeans/pants, but I honestly think there will be more of my shirt wardrobe that will have to go. And, there are some things which just fit "better", so it's all good. A tight shirt looks pretty damn good on me now; nothing is too short or too tight because there are no fat rolls. That's pretty amazing! I haven't felt up to trying on too much yet since I still have trouble bending, but I'm really looking forward to going through my closet yet again and seeing what goes and what stays. And then shopping for things I never thought I'd be able to wear! Are half shirts in style? No? Well crap...

I'm very fortunate to have a supportive network of friends who have gone through this and assure me that I'm not crazy. So I know what I'm feeling is pretty normal and that helps. I am so lucky to have found the people at the Community for Bariatric Patients of Southern Ontario (CBPSO). My local support group in Cambridge is hosting our annual meet & greet this year and I'm really looking forward to it! I'm playing a small part, designing some of the posters, brochures, etc. I figure it's the least I can do for a group that has given me so much. You know it's true....we all get by with a little help from our friends.

In the morning

Tomorrow I will get up at the butt crack of dawn and head to Scarborough, on the east end of Toronto, to once again pay a surgeon to cut me open and try to repair some of the self-inflicted damage I have done to myself over the course of my life.

It's hard not to feel some guilt about the whole thing. It's my fault, after all! But I continue to attempt to forgive myself and learn from the mistakes of my past. A friend told me recently, "You know better now. You didn't then. Remember, you are worth it." This is good advice in theory, and I love her for saying it, but I dunno...intellectually, I absolutely knew what to do to achieve and maintain a healthy weight. I had followed so many diet programs that I knew a LOT about nutrition and exercise. I really did. I just chose not to follow it. I suppose we're all that way...we know what to do but for some reason we don't think we deserve it, so we sabotage ourselves. Why do we punish ourselves so much? That's the million-dollar question. If we could all come to terms with that and move past it, we'd all be fabulous and there'd be no reason for most forms of self-medication - from heroin and vodka to Prozac and Pop Tarts. There are biological and behavioral reasons for what we do; it's a struggle every day to overcome the demons we all face.

It seems like this is all happening very fast. My first visit with my plastic surgeon (PS) was in April! But honestly, I should've had this tummy tuck about 2 years ago. So I AM READY. Bring on the flat stomach. That concept is sort of unimaginable to me. Unlike some people who lose weight later in life, I do not remember myself thin. I have no point of reference. So this will be a whole new ball game for me once again. I had to get used to my new body when I lost weight and will have to do it again.

I was in Ohio recently visiting family and passed a display of various types of belts in a department store. I normally ignore such displays...though I did have to buy a (plain black) belt to hold up my jeans after I lost weight. In order to slip the jeans over the excess skin on my lower abdomen, the waist gaps quite a bit so I must wear a belt. However, I have never been able to tuck my shirt into my jeans, so pretty belts were not on my radar. When I passed the display, I said to Erich, "Hey...after the tummy tuck, maybe I can buy one of these snazzy belts because MAYBE I can tuck my shirt into my jeans so you'll be able to see it!" Seriously, this is a big deal. LOL!

It's the little things that so many people take for granted.

Also...I am losing patience with my Spanx. I have to wear it every day to keep my lower abdomen somewhat stable, i.e., so it doesn't shift around and give me a rash. I hate it and hope I won't have to wear it much - maybe on special occasions - after the surgery. Of course, I'll probably need a smaller size! I expect to have to buy new panties and maybe jeans. I think I might go down a size.

Ruby Gettinger once said of plastic surgery, "I'm trading fat for skin, skin for scars. The scars are a reminder of what I did to myself, and that's hard." It's clearly difficult to come to terms with the fact that you'll never look the way you're "supposed" to. But hey...all we can do is be the best we can be. Block out the bullshit and just soldier on. As for me, I'm happy I had the strength to save myself. Putting that knowledge up against the guilt helps. I'm alive! And I look pretty damn good. Tomorrow, I'll look even better!

My weight has been stabilized for well over a year now. It's higher than I'd like, but I have pretty much determined that I just need to come to terms with it and move on. My BMI is too high, but I firmly believe BMI charts are complete bullshit. Plus, I'm not one of those people who will track every single calorie, stop eating carbs and get up at 5am to go to my first of three spin classes a day. It's not happening. Maybe I'm just lazy, but I don't want to work that hard! I enjoy being active, though. And I no longer eat crap for crap's sake all the time. So if I can be healthy and active, then I'm good. I wanted to lose 10 pounds before this surgery, and I did that. But then I went to Ohio and because I wasn't a food/exercise Nazi, gained a few pounds back. Oh well. It seems like my body just wants to be at this weight. It is what it is! I was worried that my PS would ask me to lose weight before my surgery, but he said: "You are a big girl, very tall and sturdy (LOL), and you carry this weight very well. I am not going to require you to lose any weight. We will go ahead." Ok then! Good, because I'm done!

My surgery will take place at The Scarborough Hospital at 12:30pm; we have to be there at 10am. The surgery is supposed to take 4.5-5 hours. I will spend one night in the hospital and one night at a nearby hotel. My PS tells me I will have about 200 stitches and possibly a few staples. I will have drains in my abdomen for about 10 days; a home health care worker will come to the house to check on me after I go home. I'll be off work for 6 weeks. I work at a printing company in the art department but I don't sit at a desk all night. I am all over that plant doing several different things - I carry boxes of stock from the warehouse to the front, I load said stock into printers, etc. Sometimes I am working in four different rooms at once. It's a night shift thing. They have about a half dozen of us doing what 15-20 people do during the day. My job requires such activity that I've said many times I would not have been able to perform my duties at my former weight. So, since I can't lift or bend for a while, my PS recommends 6 weeks of leave. I'm kind of hoping I can get back before that, just to have the full paycheck!

Here we go! Yet another life change. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm nervous as well. Send good vibes for good drugs and a speedy recovery! I'll update when I can. Thanks to everyone who has followed me on this journey so far. We ain't done yet!

Guilty as charged

There is a lot of guilt in obesity recovery - which is what I call the time when we are losing weight and doing a pretty good job of keeping it off.

Probably the first guilt comes when you eat something you know you shouldn't have. It happens to everyone. There is also guilt when you miss a workout. But I'm talking about something on a deeper level.

"What did I do to myself?"
Everyone who has lost a significant amount of weight gets that thought in his or her head. Why did I let it get so bad? Someone asked me that recently, actually...and no I didn't punch him in the face. Because he was right. I hated the question and his nerve pissed me off, but why did I let myself get to almost 500 pounds? There are no easy answers, really. I can only blame a form of mental illness. Some people never feel the need to drink a beer in their life; others drink themselves to death. I was eating myself into the grave and while I knew it, I couldn't seem to make myself stop it. There's a whole lot of "WHY?" going on in my head. My life could've been so much better if I'd taken control of things at 20 instead of 40. Whenever I look at the pounds of loose skin that I'll never be able to remove, I feel guilt. I did this to myself and there's no one to blame but me. It's sometimes a tough pill to swallow.

Here's a Dr. Phil-ism: The only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for one year is being in one for one year and one day. Amen and goodnight. I made the change when I did and that's that. Look forward.

"I wish I could help him/her."
When I see a severely morbidly obese person on the street, I want to help them. I feel a sense of guilt that somehow I found relief from that misery and I want to share knowledge with them. It doesn't seem right that I'm living my life and they can barely walk and breathe. Maybe it's a form of survivor's guilt. I'm on the shoreline, safe, but they're still sinking.

"I had no complications (sorry)."
Seriously speaking, I had pretty much zero complications with my surgery. Nothing. I have only dumped once (I think it was a dump...albeit a very minor one) and beyond some nausea or vomiting when I ate/eat the wrong thing or too much, too fast, that has been it my friends. I lost weight quickly and without incident. My surgeon called me "a star." Textbook, right? So when I hear about patients who end up back in the hospital or dump after a cough drop, I feel guilty. DAMN! I got off easy. I did exactly as I was told, of course, and I do think that helped me. But then I also know there are people who follow doctor's orders very well and still have random crap.

"Did I take the easy way out?"
Some weight-loss surgery patients fight this mentality allll the time. Of course, some feel no guilt at all about the method they used to become healthy. I admit I do to a certain extent. My path - at first - was indeed a bit easier than someone who has not had "the surgery". If there wasn't some benefit or advantage, I wouldn't have had the procedure. I have friends who have lost a lot of weight the "old-fashioned way". And yes, sometimes, I feel inferior to them. I am sure there are outsiders who feel those people are stronger than me, have more discipline than me. Maybe they're right. I dunno. What I do I know is it takes a lot to get here where I am. It's bad enough that others think I did this the easy way and maybe am not totally deserving of admiration or success; my job is to not let them get into my own head and make me feel guilty because of my method.

Here's a question for you: Is guilt useful? Does it keep you in line? Sure it does, in some ways. You will feel guilty if you have the second piece of cake (and likely sick as a dog, too), so you put it down. When someone asks you about the gym, you will feel guilty if you haven't been there in two weeks, so you go. All of this can make you follow your plan more diligently. Nothing wrong with that!

However, guilt can also eat you alive. I shouldn't feel badly about my success or the method I chose to get here, for example. We're all a work in progress and need to remember how valuable we are; self-worth and self-awareness is the key. Everything else is white noise. Tune it out.

Making a list

I came across an old forgotten list yesterday. No heading, but I can guess the topic:

- Walk long distances
- Buy any clothes I want
- Not worry about width or strength of seats at concerts, movies, etc.
- Sit in a booth
- Cross my legs
- Sit on Erich's lap
- More energy
- Have people easily pass by me at my workstation
- Stand **UP** at concerts or just in general
- Never be embarrassed to be seen again

So let's take stock of these goals:

- Well, I officially walked a 5K but I certainly have walked farther than that, too. So I think that counts. It's funny that I put this at the top of the list...maybe it was because when I started exercising, I could only walk a few feet before wanting to stop due to the pain and breathlessness.

- It took me a long time to not think too much about the strength and width of seats before I sat down, but I don't too much anymore. The fear has lessened greatly.

- Every time I sit in a booth, I am happy. I think about how I once couldn't do that every time I climb into one. And I will sit in a booth everywhere if I can. 20+ years of answering "Table" to the question "Booth or table?" is o-v-e-r.

- I now cross my legs as a matter of comfort. It's how I prefer to sit. Unthinkable pre-op.

- I still feel odd sitting on Erich's lap but I love to do it. Just because I can.

- More energy is a given.

- This took a long time to get over as well. Until recently, I pushed my chair in when I sensed someone was about to walk behind me at work. But slowly, I'm understanding that it's no longer an issue.

- I can stand and rock out for an entire show then walk blocks and blocks back to my car. No sweat.

- I'm not embarrassed to be seen anywhere. Being in a bathing suit on a beach in the Dominican Republic went a long way towards easing that fear!

I guess I was brainstorming? Probably thinking of things to write about. Most likely these goals did become part of the history of this blog, as they became history in my life. I think it's safe to say I've accomplished them all with the exception of the second one. "Buying any clothes I want" isn't going to happen without skin-removal surgery which isn't going to happen without a winning lottery ticket. But if that's all I have to worry about then I'm good. And I do pretty well - last month I bought two size-10 dresses. I've decided to buy all my clothes at Sears now, since the sizing is obviously skewed as I am NOT a size 10. However, a label is a label! :)))

This list seems like it was created pretty early in my journey. So much has happened to me, it seems like a lifetime ago when I felt that way. Yet it also seems like yesterday. Some people, after they lose a lot of weight, say "I don't even know that person. She/he isn't me anymore." They shake their heads at their former selves and shudder. But I don't feel that way at all. That was me; it IS me. How can I forget her or have any malice toward her? She kept me alive for 40 years and I am grateful to her for her strength in the creation of the NEW me.

I don't want to forget the woman who made this list. If I do, I will lose myself and fail.

And she is a winner. Oh yeah! She is!