I was all set to write a blog about how my brain isn't nearly caught up with the changes in my body. I have been thinking about it for a couple of days - what I would say and how I would say it.
Then I dropped into a Giant Tiger to get garlic bread and all that went to hell.
There's a certain type of garlic/cheese "pizza" Erich and I like. Walmart has it but they were out. So we made a special trip to Giant Tiger, the only other place in the universe I've seen this special super-sekrit cheesy garlic-y thingy. For Americans: Giant Tiger is kinda like Family Dollar but bigger with more merchandise selection. If you don't know what a Family Dollar is, well, I dunno...like a store even cheaper than Walmart. We go in, get the stuff we wanted and start browsing.
Now, I've blogged before about how Cindy is allll about clothes shopping these days. I can't stay away from the damn clothes. Right before we're ready to walk out the door, I wander over to the plus-size dept. Just to look.
Right away I find two tops that I love. One $8 and one $13. Erich is looking at jeans. "What size do you wear in jeans now?" he asks me. Wellll....since these particular jeans have no elastic waist, I'd start at 26. I see no size bigger than 24 here so forget it. He looks at me with that 'Erich' look. I think you can wear this, he says. Hmmm....I pick up a size 24 and hold it up. Maybe? Maybe?? I agree to try them on. My husband doesn't see women's clothes he suggests to me often, so I'm thinking I will amuse him. I don't think I can wear these, but who knows? I've been shocked before. I have size 1X elastic-waist jeans in my closet now. That totally shocked the shit outta me.
Ok. The logical person would probably now ask themselves the following: Um, Cin? If you can wear 1X elastic-waist jeans, why would you think you'd have to start at size 26 'regular' jeans??
Good point. But my brain doesn't think that way yet. I have spent so much time starting at the top of the size chart and 90% of the time, not even being able to wear that size, so...it will take time for me to realize how small I'm getting. Not small. But you know what I mean.
I take two tops and a pair of jeans in the fitting room. One of the tops, a 3X, is too big yet also too short. Such is my lot in life. I have a small waist and narrow shoulders but still have this awful belly overhang. Not attractive and hard to fit. My tops must be long. So out it goes. The other top, a size 26/28, is too big but long enough. Again, I don't know why I even brought a 26/28 in there with me since I'm comfortably in 2X tops now.
As soon as I open the size 24 jeans and step into them, I know they will fit. So I put them on and um, well. Wouldya look at that. Too big around the waist. Too big. I pull the waist out away from my body. Seriously? Like...seriously?? There's a full-length mirror in front of me and I look at myself with this incredulous expression on my face. I open the door and show Erich. "Too big," I say. He laughs. "I told you so," he said. "Next size down?" I tell him yes. For the jeans and the one top. I also ask him to bring another pair of jeans we were looking at that I didn't even consider.
When I get the size 22 jeans, I'm pretty convinced they will be too small. I find that in a lot of things these days I am between sizes. One size is too small, the next is too big. But I yank them on and button them up. No problem.
I again look at myself in the mirror. I'm staring at myself in these jeans. Jeans like this I haven't had on since high school. Then I start crying. It was pretty emotional since no more than 10 mins. before I felt sure I wouldn't even get the 24s on. I never would've bothered trying them on at all if Erich hadn't goaded me into it. In fact, I hadn't even noticed the jeans till he said something about them. I have trained myself to ignore that stuff. I haven't been able to wear it for over 20 years! You know what I mean? I have trained my brain to tune it out.
Even buttoning and zipping them up felt weird. I haven't had buttons and zippers on my pants since Ronald Reagan was in office.
I was so excited to have jeans for my Nashville trip in December. Even elastic-waist jeans were out of the question when I was 444 pounds. And I do still like them; especially the size 1X ones that I just bought! And no one but me knows about the elastic waist; not like I'm gonna tuck my shirt in anyway. But my new, button-y, zipper-y, size-22 jeans are my precious new pets. I love them!
I also bought the $8 shirt, in a size 22 as well. It was a good day. I debated about actually getting the jeans at first. Money is tight right now and I didn't really need them. But in the end I bought both pairs I tried on. My husband told me I deserved them and I believe him. LOL! The tears wouldn't stop, though. I felt like an idiot blubbering in the middle of Giant Tiger with Erich holding me like there'd been a death in the family. We got a few looks.
But really it's the opposite. There's a whole new life in this family and it sometimes overwhelms me. The changes are coming so fast and furious my mind can't keep up. I still have to remind myself that I don't NEED to go to the handicap stall in public bathrooms - I can fit comfortably in a regular one. I don't NEED to walk all the way around a restaurant's perimeter to get to my table - I can cut in between the chairs. I don't NEED to request a table in the first place - a booth is actually more comfortable now. I don't NEED to squish myself up against the walls of a hallway when someone is coming towards me - they'll have plenty of room to get by me.
It's the little stuff that my brain can't yet fully comprehend. But those jeans...man that's the stuff of miracles. Just two pairs of simple, cheap but super-cool size-22 jeans. Miracles.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
What I know for sure
One year ago, I started this blog with an entry called Birthdays - beginnings, don't they?. I feel better when I write. It makes me focused. So I figured, as I took off on this unknown journey towards the new and improved Cindy, that I would try to record my feelings and the twists and turns I was sure would come my way.
Out with the old, in with the new. That's the philosophy behind the title of this blog. I am sweeping the old me away every day - every minute, every second - and I have changed in ways I never thought I could. In ways I've tried to change my whole life and failed at every opportunity. I knew a year ago that this time, failure was not an option. My life was at stake. I was no longer a vain teenager going on some wild "diet" to look good in a bathing suit. As I said a year ago, this time it's personal. I needed to save my life.
I was pretty naive then. I really didn't know what I was in store for, or how ignorant I was about food, exercise and nutrition - despite having spent most of my life on one diet, organized and otherwise, after another. So I thought I'd borrow a phrase from Oprah and share what I've learned so far. I still have a ways to go but for now, here's what I know for sure.
- Don't doubt the impossible. Let me make this very clear: If I can do this, anyone can. I know that's an often-overused phrase, but it's the truth. If someone had told me a couple years back that I'd be sitting here on the day before my 40th birthday at 259 lbs., I would've said they were nuts. That I could never lose that much weight, that it was impossible. It's not and here I am. Don't ever think you can't do it. YOU CAN.
- The scale is your friend. You know, maybe the kind of friend you wanna strangle sometimes, but it's a friend. Even when it sits there unmoving for a week or two, it's still trying to tell you something. Keep track of your friend. I write down my weight every week in my mini-calendar that I keep in my purse. When your friend refuses to budge, get out the calendar and remember that this, too, shall pass.
- Fat people can exercise, too. Seriously. Get your ass up and move. Walk to the end of the driveway. Walk across the room. Or, sit your ass down and move your arms. There's something anyone can do. Just MOVE. It makes a huge difference in how you feel both physically and emotionally. There's nothing that can't be done when you start small.
- Some rules are made to be broken. There are so many "diet" rules. Pfffft. If I get hungry at 11 p.m., I will eat something. If I feel like having a slice of pizza, I'll have one (JUST one). French fries are not evil. It's okay to skip a workout every now and then. Follow the 80/20 rule: Be strict 80% of the time. The other 20%, live a little. Just don't be a nutbar about it. We're all human and you don't have to be a machine. I had this surgery so I could have a wonderful, enjoyable and full life. Nonsensical rules that don't fit into that life don't figure into any equation.
- And some rules aren't. You have to figure out how to be healthy in a way that fits into your life. But there are quite a few rules, especially with gastric bypass surgery, that have to be followed. I try to do what Dr. Genaw has told me I need to for my tool (the pouch) to work properly. I respect it. You rebel too much and your body will pay the price. Find balance.
- Let your freak flag fly. Don't be afraid of looking like an idiot! I've done things this past year that I never would've before but probably should've. I paid so much attention to what other people were thinking that I let it influence my joy of life. Screw that. Live your life out loud!
- It gets better. In the beginning, right after my surgery, I had days where I would cry and wonder WTF have I done to myself?? I was angry, sick, exhausted and a little depressed. I think it was similar to what an alcoholic or drug addict goes through when they are in withdrawals. My addiction to food was killing me and man...I went cold turkey. It wasn't pretty sometimes, and I knew it would be like that for me because I know myself. In that first blog, I warned you all. LOL! But when I was about 3 months into it, I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. Someone asked me if I would have the surgery again, at that stage, and I hesitated a moment then said yes. Gastric bypass isn't a magic wand. Your surgeon gives you a tool that you can use wisely or not. It's very hard to cheat with the tool, which is kinda the point. You can get pissed off, depressed, whatever - but - you can't punish yourself anymore by going off and having half an apple pie or an entire large pizza. The surgery forces you to find different ways of coping. And in the beginning, IT SUCKS. But you learn. You grow (inwardly). And you get through it.
- I am worth the effort. And so are you! Don't get into the mindset of thinking you don't have time to work out, or you don't have time to eat well by going grocery shopping for good food then cooking it yourself at home. Yes you do. You have time to veg out in front of the tube all night. You have time to troll around on Facebook or whatever for a couple hours. You have time. Devote it to yourself. You know the old financial advice of 'paying yourself first' when you get your paycheck? Well, it's true with your health, too. Taking care of yourself isn't being selfish, you know. You're worth the time and effort. For example, for me, I've let a lot of my time online go by the wayside when I'm busy and need to go work out or whatever. There is time, it's just a matter of prioritizing and realizing that I come first, no matter what. Sorry, Bo!
On my 39th birthday, I wrote the following:
Well, tomorrow is my 40th birthday. I am 185 pounds lighter physically and tons lighter emotionally. Erich and I are going away for the weekend (I still need to pack!) and I know I'll get out of bed in the morning much the same way I do every morning now: With much less effort and rested, ready to go do what I need to do. Nothing aches anymore. The Darth Vader mask hasn't been out of its case in months and months. I am taking no prescription meds anymore for my diabetes or high blood pressure (all gone). I am much happier and healthier than I ever thought I could be and the journey's not over yet.
I want to thank all of you who read my ramblings! Onto the next year of adventure!
Out with the old, in with the new. That's the philosophy behind the title of this blog. I am sweeping the old me away every day - every minute, every second - and I have changed in ways I never thought I could. In ways I've tried to change my whole life and failed at every opportunity. I knew a year ago that this time, failure was not an option. My life was at stake. I was no longer a vain teenager going on some wild "diet" to look good in a bathing suit. As I said a year ago, this time it's personal. I needed to save my life.
I was pretty naive then. I really didn't know what I was in store for, or how ignorant I was about food, exercise and nutrition - despite having spent most of my life on one diet, organized and otherwise, after another. So I thought I'd borrow a phrase from Oprah and share what I've learned so far. I still have a ways to go but for now, here's what I know for sure.
- Don't doubt the impossible. Let me make this very clear: If I can do this, anyone can. I know that's an often-overused phrase, but it's the truth. If someone had told me a couple years back that I'd be sitting here on the day before my 40th birthday at 259 lbs., I would've said they were nuts. That I could never lose that much weight, that it was impossible. It's not and here I am. Don't ever think you can't do it. YOU CAN.
- The scale is your friend. You know, maybe the kind of friend you wanna strangle sometimes, but it's a friend. Even when it sits there unmoving for a week or two, it's still trying to tell you something. Keep track of your friend. I write down my weight every week in my mini-calendar that I keep in my purse. When your friend refuses to budge, get out the calendar and remember that this, too, shall pass.
- Fat people can exercise, too. Seriously. Get your ass up and move. Walk to the end of the driveway. Walk across the room. Or, sit your ass down and move your arms. There's something anyone can do. Just MOVE. It makes a huge difference in how you feel both physically and emotionally. There's nothing that can't be done when you start small.
- Some rules are made to be broken. There are so many "diet" rules. Pfffft. If I get hungry at 11 p.m., I will eat something. If I feel like having a slice of pizza, I'll have one (JUST one). French fries are not evil. It's okay to skip a workout every now and then. Follow the 80/20 rule: Be strict 80% of the time. The other 20%, live a little. Just don't be a nutbar about it. We're all human and you don't have to be a machine. I had this surgery so I could have a wonderful, enjoyable and full life. Nonsensical rules that don't fit into that life don't figure into any equation.
- And some rules aren't. You have to figure out how to be healthy in a way that fits into your life. But there are quite a few rules, especially with gastric bypass surgery, that have to be followed. I try to do what Dr. Genaw has told me I need to for my tool (the pouch) to work properly. I respect it. You rebel too much and your body will pay the price. Find balance.
- Let your freak flag fly. Don't be afraid of looking like an idiot! I've done things this past year that I never would've before but probably should've. I paid so much attention to what other people were thinking that I let it influence my joy of life. Screw that. Live your life out loud!
- It gets better. In the beginning, right after my surgery, I had days where I would cry and wonder WTF have I done to myself?? I was angry, sick, exhausted and a little depressed. I think it was similar to what an alcoholic or drug addict goes through when they are in withdrawals. My addiction to food was killing me and man...I went cold turkey. It wasn't pretty sometimes, and I knew it would be like that for me because I know myself. In that first blog, I warned you all. LOL! But when I was about 3 months into it, I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. Someone asked me if I would have the surgery again, at that stage, and I hesitated a moment then said yes. Gastric bypass isn't a magic wand. Your surgeon gives you a tool that you can use wisely or not. It's very hard to cheat with the tool, which is kinda the point. You can get pissed off, depressed, whatever - but - you can't punish yourself anymore by going off and having half an apple pie or an entire large pizza. The surgery forces you to find different ways of coping. And in the beginning, IT SUCKS. But you learn. You grow (inwardly). And you get through it.
- I am worth the effort. And so are you! Don't get into the mindset of thinking you don't have time to work out, or you don't have time to eat well by going grocery shopping for good food then cooking it yourself at home. Yes you do. You have time to veg out in front of the tube all night. You have time to troll around on Facebook or whatever for a couple hours. You have time. Devote it to yourself. You know the old financial advice of 'paying yourself first' when you get your paycheck? Well, it's true with your health, too. Taking care of yourself isn't being selfish, you know. You're worth the time and effort. For example, for me, I've let a lot of my time online go by the wayside when I'm busy and need to go work out or whatever. There is time, it's just a matter of prioritizing and realizing that I come first, no matter what. Sorry, Bo!
On my 39th birthday, I wrote the following:
I expect to awaken on my 40th birthday and lift my lighter body more easily out of bed, walk to the bathroom and look at my reflection with a satisfied smile.
Well, tomorrow is my 40th birthday. I am 185 pounds lighter physically and tons lighter emotionally. Erich and I are going away for the weekend (I still need to pack!) and I know I'll get out of bed in the morning much the same way I do every morning now: With much less effort and rested, ready to go do what I need to do. Nothing aches anymore. The Darth Vader mask hasn't been out of its case in months and months. I am taking no prescription meds anymore for my diabetes or high blood pressure (all gone). I am much happier and healthier than I ever thought I could be and the journey's not over yet.
I want to thank all of you who read my ramblings! Onto the next year of adventure!
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