What I know for sure

One year ago, I started this blog with an entry called Birthdays - beginnings, don't they?. I feel better when I write. It makes me focused. So I figured, as I took off on this unknown journey towards the new and improved Cindy, that I would try to record my feelings and the twists and turns I was sure would come my way.

Out with the old, in with the new. That's the philosophy behind the title of this blog. I am sweeping the old me away every day - every minute, every second - and I have changed in ways I never thought I could. In ways I've tried to change my whole life and failed at every opportunity. I knew a year ago that this time, failure was not an option. My life was at stake. I was no longer a vain teenager going on some wild "diet" to look good in a bathing suit. As I said a year ago, this time it's personal. I needed to save my life.

I was pretty naive then. I really didn't know what I was in store for, or how ignorant I was about food, exercise and nutrition - despite having spent most of my life on one diet, organized and otherwise, after another. So I thought I'd borrow a phrase from Oprah and share what I've learned so far. I still have a ways to go but for now, here's what I know for sure.

- Don't doubt the impossible. Let me make this very clear: If I can do this, anyone can. I know that's an often-overused phrase, but it's the truth. If someone had told me a couple years back that I'd be sitting here on the day before my 40th birthday at 259 lbs., I would've said they were nuts. That I could never lose that much weight, that it was impossible. It's not and here I am. Don't ever think you can't do it. YOU CAN.

- The scale is your friend. You know, maybe the kind of friend you wanna strangle sometimes, but it's a friend. Even when it sits there unmoving for a week or two, it's still trying to tell you something. Keep track of your friend. I write down my weight every week in my mini-calendar that I keep in my purse. When your friend refuses to budge, get out the calendar and remember that this, too, shall pass.

- Fat people can exercise, too. Seriously. Get your ass up and move. Walk to the end of the driveway. Walk across the room. Or, sit your ass down and move your arms. There's something anyone can do. Just MOVE. It makes a huge difference in how you feel both physically and emotionally. There's nothing that can't be done when you start small.

- Some rules are made to be broken. There are so many "diet" rules. Pfffft. If I get hungry at 11 p.m., I will eat something. If I feel like having a slice of pizza, I'll have one (JUST one). French fries are not evil. It's okay to skip a workout every now and then. Follow the 80/20 rule: Be strict 80% of the time. The other 20%, live a little. Just don't be a nutbar about it. We're all human and you don't have to be a machine. I had this surgery so I could have a wonderful, enjoyable and full life. Nonsensical rules that don't fit into that life don't figure into any equation.

- And some rules aren't. You have to figure out how to be healthy in a way that fits into your life. But there are quite a few rules, especially with gastric bypass surgery, that have to be followed. I try to do what Dr. Genaw has told me I need to for my tool (the pouch) to work properly. I respect it. You rebel too much and your body will pay the price. Find balance.

- Let your freak flag fly. Don't be afraid of looking like an idiot! I've done things this past year that I never would've before but probably should've. I paid so much attention to what other people were thinking that I let it influence my joy of life. Screw that. Live your life out loud!

- It gets better. In the beginning, right after my surgery, I had days where I would cry and wonder WTF have I done to myself?? I was angry, sick, exhausted and a little depressed. I think it was similar to what an alcoholic or drug addict goes through when they are in withdrawals. My addiction to food was killing me and man...I went cold turkey. It wasn't pretty sometimes, and I knew it would be like that for me because I know myself. In that first blog, I warned you all. LOL! But when I was about 3 months into it, I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. Someone asked me if I would have the surgery again, at that stage, and I hesitated a moment then said yes. Gastric bypass isn't a magic wand. Your surgeon gives you a tool that you can use wisely or not. It's very hard to cheat with the tool, which is kinda the point. You can get pissed off, depressed, whatever - but - you can't punish yourself anymore by going off and having half an apple pie or an entire large pizza. The surgery forces you to find different ways of coping. And in the beginning, IT SUCKS. But you learn. You grow (inwardly). And you get through it.

- I am worth the effort. And so are you! Don't get into the mindset of thinking you don't have time to work out, or you don't have time to eat well by going grocery shopping for good food then cooking it yourself at home. Yes you do. You have time to veg out in front of the tube all night. You have time to troll around on Facebook or whatever for a couple hours. You have time. Devote it to yourself. You know the old financial advice of 'paying yourself first' when you get your paycheck? Well, it's true with your health, too. Taking care of yourself isn't being selfish, you know. You're worth the time and effort. For example, for me, I've let a lot of my time online go by the wayside when I'm busy and need to go work out or whatever. There is time, it's just a matter of prioritizing and realizing that I come first, no matter what. Sorry, Bo!

On my 39th birthday, I wrote the following:

I expect to awaken on my 40th birthday and lift my lighter body more easily out of bed, walk to the bathroom and look at my reflection with a satisfied smile.

Well, tomorrow is my 40th birthday. I am 185 pounds lighter physically and tons lighter emotionally. Erich and I are going away for the weekend (I still need to pack!) and I know I'll get out of bed in the morning much the same way I do every morning now: With much less effort and rested, ready to go do what I need to do. Nothing aches anymore. The Darth Vader mask hasn't been out of its case in months and months. I am taking no prescription meds anymore for my diabetes or high blood pressure (all gone). I am much happier and healthier than I ever thought I could be and the journey's not over yet.

I want to thank all of you who read my ramblings! Onto the next year of adventure!