Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I wanna be like Mike

I've decided that a 5K is in my future. That's 3.1 miles for those who can't/don't want to convert.

I was watching The Biggest Loser last night - and if you don't WHY THE HELL NOT?? - when the contestants traveled to Texas to take part in a 5K with radio contest winners. Last week, my main man Michael completed a 5K on the treadmill at the ranch. First time ever. Let me mention that Mike weighed 372 pounds at the time. Michael Ventrella showed up on the show at 526 pounds, the heaviest contestant ever. I felt a kinship to him right away, as I usually do with the bigger people on the show. But I've grown to love his personality, his drive and pretty much everything about him. The fact that he's becoming quite handsome doesn't hurt, either. LOL!

Mike has a long way to go but he's already accomplished so much. He's such an inspiration to me and makes me push myself harder in my workouts. I've said for a while now that my goal was to run. And the way I see it, if Mike can do that then so can I. The show is really awesome for that - you see people there that could be YOU. The very first time I ran, I did it because I saw Ron, a contestant two seasons ago, jog just a tiny bit. Ron arrived on the ranch weighing well over 400 pounds. Damn it, if he can run - and Mike can run - then I can, too.

And so can you.

I've been doing quite a bit of walking/running outside lately. When I say run, I mean I run sprints. Short bursts, then I walk. I'm getting better than I used to be but progress is slower than I'd like because of my knees. I read in a magazine a few weeks ago about a jogging chart of sorts. It said to start off walking four minutes and jogging one then repeat that pattern over and over. Then increase jogging time each week. When I saw Mike hit that 5K on the treadmill then the 5K in Texas this week I said 'That's it. I'm going to actually train to do this.'

So tonight I started out on the treadmill at the gym doing just that. Walking four minutes and jogging for one. It wasn't as bad as I thought but by the last one-minute jog, my legs were feeling pretty heavy! I went 2 miles in 32 minutes. Not great, still some work to do. But man...a year ago that would've been a faraway dream of some kind. I'm going to work on it. I'll let you know how it goes. I may not run the whole 5K, but I'll complete it. Mike didn't run the whole thing in Texas, either. In fact, he said it hadn't been long since he could run a mile without stopping. Hell, I think that's amazing! I'll be glad when I can do that much.

Since I've been exercising outdoors, I've run into my Jogging Idol a few times. I blogged about seeing her running alongside the road with her blonde ponytail bobbing up and down, looking like she totally had her shit together. Usually she's off in the distance but once she was on the other side of the street. AND, I was doing one of my sprints when we passed each other. I jogged past my Jogging Idol!! She totally has no clue but I was thrilled. It's the little things....LOL!

A couple random things about losing weight that I haven't mentioned before:

- Erich rebuilt my desk chair years ago to accommodate my hips. He literally took the arms off, added steel extensions and reattached them. A while back, he removed them. I sat down and I look down at the chair then over at him. 'You took off the extensions, didn't you?' He just smiled. 'Yep. You don't need them anymore.' And so I don't. I have a normal chair now.

- For the first time, Erich and I now need different adjustments on the car seats and mirrors. When he drives my car on the weekend, he has to adjust everything. I was laughing at him last weekend. 'That's new, huh?' I said. Indeed! I didn't get shorter; I just lost weight. But now I want the seat closer to the wheel and the mirrors have to be turned down. Odd about the mirrors! I also want to tilt the wheel down, too. One of the reasons I bought that car was because I could fit into it...with the seat all the way back and the tilt wheel all the way up. Next car I buy, I don't think I'll have to worry so much about that.

- I went to upstate New York a couple weeks ago to visit with friends and rode in my good friend Lecia's Toyota. Toyotas are notoriously small and I've never been able to get a seat belt on in one. My BFF in Ohio, Katrina, used to have a Rav4 that was always uncomfortable for me to ride in. When I got into Lecia's car, I put the belt on, no problem. Lots of room. Very cool.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Fabulous freedom at 40

We're gonna be in the poor house by the end of the summer! And it's all my weight loss angel's fault.

I find I want to get out and enjoy all the things that life has to offer. Everything I couldn't do before I want to dive into now. I want to see, experience, feel, touch...soar and SWEEP! Out with the old life and in with the new. I worry I'm overwhelming my poor husband with the 'I want to do this' stuff. And yes, it all costs money. But this is my coming-out party. My summer of Fabulous Freedom at 40. LOL!

- Zip lining. Yep, you read that correctly. There's a ski resort in our town and during the summer they offer zip lining. My brother-in-law and I are ready, man. When they open, we're there. We're both afraid of heights and this is another thing that I would NEVER have considered doing at 444 pounds (they probably wouldn't have let me on the thing, even if I wanted to!). Should be interesting.

- Camping. I mentioned this a couple blogs back. Erich and I are going for our anniversary next month. Now, camping IS cheap but it still costs money. The last time we went it was pretty bad. My knees had just started really acting up and I could barely walk. This time, we're gonna hike all over the place.

- Nashville! Erich and I are going to Bo's fan club party during CMA Fest (aka Fan Fair) in June. I've been to Nashville twice but have never been sightseeing. There was never time and besides, I couldn't have walked around downtown anyway. On this trip, I will with no problems. Oh yeah!

- We're not totally sure, but think we will be taking a trip to Utica, NY the weekend after CMA Fest to see Bo perform there. We have friends near there and may not be able to resist the temptation. We'll have to see if there's any money left after Nashville! LOL!

- Bon Jovi/Kid Rock concert! I am going to see two of my all-time favorite performers TOGETHER live!! My friend Randi scored us awesome 7th row seats, right behind the pit. I am so psyched I can't even tell you! This is in July and should be a really good one-year post-op anniversary present to myself. I will not worry about walking all over downtown Toronto. I won't be worried about fitting into any seats. I will just be having a good time. I can't wait. Randi has also had gastric bypass so she is looking forward to all this stuff, too. We are AWESOMENESS. That's what we keep telling ourselves! LOL!

- Annual trip to Ohio for my family's reunion. This time, we're going to Kings Island and Cindy will, for the very first time, get on a roller coaster. I couldn't fit on one before and I was always afraid it would screw my back up anyway. And there was the fear of heights thing. But now, my back is pretty much a non-issue and I think I'll be ok to put the roll bar down. The last time I was there, I was so hot I thought I might pass out plus I had to rent a scooter because I couldn't walk around. And I ended up breaking the damn thing. I was 32. Haven't been back since. Ridiculous. No scooter this time and lord knows I don't get hot like I used to.

This may not sound like much but to us, this is a big summer planned!

There are little things, too, that I take the time to experience now that I can. Like today for example. I went on my daily 30-min. walk/jog and decided to go to a local park. The entrance to this park is something I can see when I look out my kitchen window but I have never been to. You have to walk down a pretty steep hill to get to it and I have just never bothered. Isn't that awful? Now that the weather is nice, today I thought I'd go down there and walk around. So I did. There's playground equipment, of course, a slide and swing set. No one was around.

Could I get on that swing set? That might be fun. I never would've considered doing THAT 200 pounds ago. I would be afraid it would break or that I couldn't get my ass into the seat in the first place. I never would've even tried it at all.

I look at the seat. Hm. Maybe. I sit down (HEY! I fit!) gently, as if I'm still concerned my weight will break it somehow. I look up at the steel hooks securing the chains to the top of the frame. Not even creaking or anything. Ok. I lift my feet up and sway back and forth, slowly at first then I push myself. Higher and higher. I close my eyes and feel the sunshine on my face, the cool breeze blowing against me. I lean back and just let the motion of the swing carry my body through space. It was so freakin' awesome I can't even tell you. 'I Gotta Feeling' is playing on my mp3 player and feels like fate. I stayed on that swing for a good 15 minutes. This is what freedom feels like.

And I ain't stopping now!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Belated birthday blog

I realized with a start the other day that I never blogged about my 40th birthday trip to Niagara Falls. I had been so busy with work around that time that I just wasn't blogging much, period. So I hope ya'll don't mind if I go back a couple months and share my story. Lots of pictures, so bear with me!

I felt like I wanted to celebrate with a little side trip because well, one only turns 40 once. Plus, it had been a year since I started this blog, this weight-loss journey and the road to a new me. And largely, I have been successful in what I set out to do a year ago. At first, the idea was to head to Nashville and invite some friends to a big celebration at a club or something. Well, the economy said 'bitch, you crazy' so Erich and I opted for a weekend jaunt to nearby Niagara Falls. We really couldn't even afford that but hey, I deserved to do something a little special. And I looooove Niagara Falls. Seriously - I love all the touristy stuff and I try to get down there once a year.

It had been several years since we've been there in winter. Niagara is gorgeous that time of year with ice everywhere. And you'd be surprised how popular it is in the cold! There were lots of other people milling around. I reserved the honeymoon suite in a budget hotel right on Clifton Hill, aka Niagara's 'strip', the main drag of the tourist section of town.

There was a heart-shaped hot tub in the room. I looked at the pictures of it online and said to Erich 'You think we can both fit in that thing?' He just smiled. He does a lot of that lately, which I interpret to mean 'My silly wife forgets she's half the size she used to be.' He answered 'I think we'll be ok.'

It was FREEZING cold that day, of course. The weather wasn't bad all week long but as soon as we headed out of town, it got bitterly cold and windy. There is a lot of walking to do in Niagara Falls but for the first time, I was more concerned about being cold than being able to walk. I dug out some long johns that I hadn't worn in I don't know how long!

As soon as we got to the hotel and checked in, we took off outside. Our hotel was centrally located on the strip with the American Falls directly at the bottom of the hill. So we walked down to take a look and just kept walking all the way to the Horseshoe Falls, which, if any of you have ever been there, you know that's a pretty long way to go. We went inside a large restaurant/gift shop called the Table Rock at the base of the Horseshoe Falls and looked around then walked back to the hotel. All without stopping. Erich commented that he was surprised I could do that and he expected me to ask to sit down once we got to Table Rock Point. But it never occurred to me to sit down. Not even once.

Here's a map that kinda shows the route we took, for those who've never been. You can see Clifton Hill near the top center and the Horseshoe Falls, Table Rock Point at the bottom. As always, click to enlarge:

As I said, the Falls are gorgeous in winter. The ice on the trees is so cool and the Niagara River looks like a giant slushie. Here are a few pictures:









And here's a picture of what I looked like the LAST time I was there in winter:

Amazing stuff. Now you can understand why I wanted to go back! LOL!

When we got back to the room, I put on a tiara and Erich took some photos of me. You see, my good friend Mindy has taught me that every now and then a girl needs a tiara. I couldn't think of a better time than my 40th birthday. LOL! Also, shooting these pics proved to me that my ass could, indeed, fit into the top of the heart in the tub. Erich and I had no problems.





Since losing the weight, I have tried to deliberately move out of my comfort zone and do things I wouldn't have done before. Heights are a huge issue for me as are things that might fall or break away with me. You know, like rides or stuff like that. I tend to think I'm going to break anything that is required to bear my body weight. And if I'm dangling in the air, that makes the fear even worse. But there's a new attraction on Clifton Hill and the more I looked at it during our day out, the more I wanted to experience it because it scared me. The old me. The new me would kick its ass, right?

It's called the Skywheel:

So we bought tickets and I started to freak out right as soon as the ride started. More than I even thought I might. Oh, I tried not to scream and carry on but those of you who know me know I don't do silent suffering very well. I swear as the thing took off and we went higher and higher, I could feel my heart pounding right out of my chest. I was scared to death to move lest my weight cause this 'pod' we were in to plummet to the earth. But I tried to put on a smile. Uh, yeah. Here's my 'oh, I'm ok...I swear I'm ok' photo.



Some pics from the ride, including one of me when I had started to calm down a bit - about 3/4 of the way through the ride I began to enjoy it.





A couple shots from our hotel balcony:



The next day, we went walking all over the place again, then headed home to go out to dinner with my in-laws. Before that, though, Erich gave me his gift.

I have been freezing to death all winter. I was always hot-natured before and while I understand that losing weight removed a lot of the insulation I had going on, I've also been told that the being-cold thing is simply a side effect from gastric bypass surgery itself. Whatever caused it, I am no longer a hot-natured person. At all. So my husband bought me a fireplace. LOL! He also bought me that shirt I have on, while we were in Niagara Falls. It's a 2x and I was worried I wouldn't fit into it but there was no problem.



We went out to dinner and Erich bought me a piece of sugar-free cherry cake from another restaurant so I could have a semblance of a birthday cake when we got back to my mother-in-law's house. It's damn good!



So all in all, it was a GREAT birthday, a great weekend. Turning 40 may suck but the alternative, which I almost had, is much suckier. I plan to be here another 40 years, dude.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

On clothes making the woman

I have sold about 90% of my leftover wardrobe in the last few days. I've already donated tons of stuff to a local thrift store, but this last big batch of excess 'stuff', I decided to sell. I need money to buy new clothes for myself, a good friend reasoned, so sell some stuff to finance a new look.

Now I've already donated probably 5 or 6 big garbage bags full of clothes over the last 6 to 9 months. And I did that freely, no reservations. But this time it was different. Maybe because I know these clothes are truly the last symbol of the old me. They are the last big batch of the super-sized clothes to go and the shedding of all these bags and boxes, in some ways, represents just more weight to melt away.

It's liberating to rid yourself of the past but it's also really scary in some ways. My clothes hold a lot of meaning for me. I searched high and low to find things I liked and would fit me. I paid a lot of money for them - a whole lot more than the average-sized person would. Some things were custom-made for me with a lot of love, care, and attention paid to detail.

There's also the thought of 'What if I need them again?' I mean, really. I've never in my life lost weight and not have it all come back, plus more. Most of the time there's a lot of positive thinking in my head but I wouldn't be human if I didn't think about the horrifying possibility of failing at this thing once again. Oprah Winfrey once said that she was so angry because she couldn't believe, after all her accomplishments, that the weight was just something that she couldn't conquer. And I've said before that I was food's bitch. I am very smart and independent but food could make me do whatever it wanted. I was powerless to it. It's worse than any kind of street drug you can imagine because here's the thing: You have to eat. You can quit drinking alcohol, you can stop shooting heroin and never have to touch them again, but food is different.

I found myself thinking that way several times in the past week or so since I put those clothes up for auction. And every time, I've had to dig deep within this well of certainty that is within me, somewhere, to keep reminding myself that there is no turning back. No more fat clothes. No more excuses. I've been given the golden opportunity of a lifetime with this tool and I will not fail. It's scary, scary stuff.

I type that as I sit here sobbing. LOL! But it's ok. No more fat clothes. I'm surprised by how emotional this all makes me.

So my wardrobe is gone. My closet has never looked so empty! I still have 47 pounds to go so I can't go crazy but I do need some summer stuff. And shoes. My shoes are too big, too.

The woman who came by the house last night to pick up my wardrobe was like looking in a mirror. I could see myself in her and I felt for her. She doesn't drive and her husband doesn't like shopping so she is desperate for clothes. They also don't have Internet so she can't shop online; her sister saw my ad and brought it to her attention. Oh my! I wanted to help her - I searched high and low for more clothes for her before she arrived and she ended up leaving with my old bathing suit (the one that helped me lose the first 100 pounds in the pool), my old winter coat (which got me through some tough Canada winters...and one day in D.C. where I thought I was going to freeze my fat ass off) and a few other things. She was thrilled and I was happy to be able to help her.

While she and her husband were here, I was reminded once again of the huge changes in my health since losing weight. They parked across the street but by the time they rang our doorbell, she was out of breath. Gasping, literally. After they came in, we all stood around for a few minutes talking and I was showing her some of the other stuff I'd decided to sell. Then I noticed she was sweating and fidgeting. DING!!! 'Do you want to sit down?' I asked her and she gratefully plopped down on my sofa. I was ashamed of myself for making her stand for a few minutes. I know what that's like! I remember vividly! But it's so weird how quickly you forget about it when YOU'RE ok.

I went to a support group meeting for bariatric patients once and the lady who ran the group, Sharon, was at her goal weight. After the meeting, she and I stood around talking for a few minutes. I was still very heavy then, close to 400 pounds. I desperately wanted to sit down but was trying to stand there a few more minutes. I was sweaty and beginning to fidget back and forth, trying to ease the pressure on my back. Finally, she looked at me and said 'You need to sit down, don't you?' She said she used to be the same way and apologized for not offering me a seat sooner.

Last night, I was Sharon. Talk about a full circle moment.

No going back. It's ok to get rid of the clothes and the emotional baggage that goes with it. Lost one pound this week - current weight 241.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Out of the mouths of babes

Children have been, more often that not, afraid of me.

I think it was just my massive size; most of the time, kids would cower in fear when I approached them, hanging to their mother's shirts for dear life. MOM! THE MONSTER'S COMING!!! Even strange kids I'd see out shopping or wherever. They would stare at me then back away. I'm not kidding and I'm not exaggerating. We're talking small children, toddlers. The older ones just point and laugh (well, sometimes). And I might add that this was more rare when I was in Ohio - but was a regular thing in Ontario. I dunno, I think the kids down home are more accustomed to obesity. Which isn't necessarily a good thing.

So imagine my surprise when Erich and I went into a truck stop in Woodstock, Ontario, on our way to Port Burwell on Friday. We needed gas and well, I just *love* truck stops. Seriously, they have the neatest things in there sometimes! So I wanted to go in and wander around. Erich was on one end of the store and I on the other. This small boy, about 3, passed me in an aisle and smiled great big. "Hiiiiiiii!!!" he chirped at me, all cuteness and light. I smiled back and said "Hiiiiii!" back at him. He turned to his mom and said "Mommy, she's pretty!" Welllll, I just about fell in the floor. That has never happened to me in my life. Ever. She laughed and said "Yes, she is!"

Seriously. I stopped dead in my tracks and my mouth fell to my knees. Shit like that does not happen to me. I told Erich about it and he laughed. "You ARE pretty!" he said. Yeah, but he's my husband. He kinda has to say that. LOL! To have that kid not be terrified of me was really something. It made my day.

Erich and I went to Port Burwell, along the nothern shore of Lake Erie, just to hang out. We love the little town and often talk about retiring there someday. We're going camping there for our anniversary in May. Camping...yeah, that'll be a whole different experience at this weight, I'm sure. We wandered the main strip downtown checking out all the bikes (I might've been checking out the bikers, too) and walked around the empty campgrounds, looking at different sites. This is our idea of fun. LOL!

When Erich first suggested we get out and walk the campgrounds, which is a pretty big place as this is a provincial park, I was hesitant. The thought of walking great distances still freaks me out a bit and at first I said no, that I couldn't do it. But I changed my mind and I'm glad I did. We were about halfway through the trails and I said "I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine. I can walk now. I really need to remember that." It's tough to reverse 40 years of negative thoughts.

As I've been going through my wardrobe and shedding everything that doesn't fit me (count so far - 35 shirts; 16 pairs of pants; 30 pairs of capris; 4 nightgowns and 4 bras) I'm finding the true 'before' clothes. I slipped on a couple and had Erich take a few pictures tonight:

A purple skirt my mother-in-law made for me not too long after I moved to Canada. It's several years old and represents me at nearly 500 pounds, I would think:

This is Erich and me - I have the skirt on here as well as the matching jacket she made for me:



And here I am with it on tonight:



What used to fit me, now can fit both myself and Erich!



This used to be my favorite shirt. I wore it to death! It's only a few years old.

Here are a few pictures of me in the summer of 2008 with it on. I was in Ocean City, MD for a Bo concert with my girls! Wonderful memories:



And with it on tonight:



And here I have it gathered in the back to show where my body actually is. LOL!



I went to Mecca (aka Old Navy) and shopped the clearance aisle today. Two extra-large shirts came home with me. Unreal! It's an indescribable feeling to be wearing a 6X just over a year ago and now be in an XL.

The weather's been fabulous up here lately so I went through my summer clothes. I can't wear a single thing. NOTHING. My god, I have to buy more clothes. Awwwww, damn! I hate that! *can you feel the sarcasm?* That's why I have 30 pairs of capri-length pants to get rid of.

So yeah, things are good. I didn't lose any weight this week, but I didn't gain any, either. So I'll survive. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and it'll come off. And maybe someday I'll believe I'm pretty - just like that little boy said I was.