Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The break up

I had previously believed that "Hell Week" referred to the week right after surgery; I was wrong about that. It is the week before, the one where you are on a liquid diet, that is called Hell Week. I'm starting to understand why already, on day one.

I must admit that I can see that I think about food too much. (Ya think?) It's odd that it never registered before today, at least not entirely, the way I've built my life around my next fix. Of course, I'm definitely thinking about food today more than other days because I can't have it. However, there have been moments today where I've forgotten that I can't eat and found myself thinking about what I'm going to eat in the future and then realization sets in.

Did I always think about food in those terms? "Here's what I have at home and do I want that or should I stop and get something else?" This goes beyond the age-old 'what am I making for supper' thoughts. It's more than that. I think about food in terms of an event that's going to happen that will make me very happy. It's hit me like a ton of bricks that I've done that a lot in my life.

For example, when I get ready to go home to Ohio for a visit, I certainly do think about the activities I'm going to enjoy with my friends and family while I'm there. But I also think about what restaurants I want to eat in that aren't available up here; what food I want to bring back to Canada with me from the grocery store. There's something wrong with that.

I came to a hard realization today - I'm breaking up with food. Nia Vardalos, the Greek/Canadian actress famous for starring in 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' explained her recent weight loss by saying "I broke up with cheese." And it does sort of have to be that way, doesn't it?

Look, Maple Blondie from Applebee's, you're beautiful and desirable but you're not good for me....I just need some space right now and I can't be around you. Actually, it's not you it's ME. I think you're fantastic but I have to say goodbye.

Right?

There's a mourning period where weakness sets in and you cry and you swear you'll do anything to get him back! Your friends are there for you to give you strength and try their best not to let you do anything stupid like running back to him and throwing yourself at his feet. Eventually the pain subsides and you realize you're so much better off. And someday, you look back and wonder what the hell were you thinking?? Life is better without him. It's no different with a Pizza Hut Meat Lovers Pan Pizza.

Right now, I'm in a much better mood than I thought I'd be. I've been on the verge of tears a few times, but overall I'm ok. I'm hungry, but I'll live. The first day is always the worst. But what I'm doing now to overcome this lifelong, debilitating affliction is a small price to pay for living long enough to hear one more song; read one more book; feel one more hug or kiss - write one more word.

It'll be worth it.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Meh

I'm feeling kinda restless and odd this morning. Like there are things I need to be doing, but I just don't wanna. I went to bed too late, woke up too early and feel just blah.

Yesterday, I went shopping and got semi-prepared for this thing I have coming up. Two HUGE (no, huge) containers of protein powder along with more sugar-free popsicles. I seem to have a fear of running out of popsicles - I certainly will have more than enough to eat next week! I bought broth, too, but I can't imagine drinking broth. I think it might make me sick. I found several things I needed at the dollar store (yay dollar stores!). In the party section, I got these tiny disposable 1-oz. shot glasses. 30 to a pack. I also got really small cereal bowls and an American Idol word search book. I figure if I'm going to be in the hospital, somehow, Bo is coming with me. I'm also bringing a portable DVD player so I watch some concert footage if I get the blues. I wish I had some Peep footage! ;-)

I passed on the protein water. A tip they gave us at the Henry Ford nutritional seminar is to make the Jell-O we eat on the liquid diet with protein water to make us more full. Awesome! Well, no. It turns a 50-cent box of Jell-O into a $5.00 box of Jell-O. And that's not logical. I'm all about logic...you know, the bacon double cheeseburger with the diet coke thing I used to do. Yeah.

I kinda lost it on a Walmart employee yesterday. I was in the baby section - not ever a place I go willingly - looking for baby spoons. I was told that might be a good idea as it helps cut down on portion control. I decided against that, but was looking at some surprisingly attractive insulated sippy cups when this freak of nature with a nametag walks into the aisle and starts ranting and raving - to herself, mind you - about a box of wipes casually tossed on a shelf where diapers are supposed to be. Seriously yelling. Loud. I raised my brows but said nothing. She walked past me and found something else out of place. Rant continued. She keeps going to the end of the aisle, finds something else. Ok, now she's pretty much screaming about rude, insensitive customers. WTF? Seriously? I don't need it. I said, "Oh jesus christ, shut up about it or quit!" She looked at me, stunned, and walked off.

I didn't get the sippy cup.

Honestly, do I need to hear that? Sheesh. I'm a woman on the edge here. Do not push me. LMAO!

Erich asked me last night if I was nervous. Um, ya think? I know it'll all be worth it, but right now yes, I'm nervous. Everything I read tells me not to be and not to think about 'last meals' or nonsense like that. I can't really help it, though. So tonight, my mother-in-law is making paprikash for me. My last meal. It's a Hungarian stew she serves over spetzle (pasta) and it's one of the best things ever created to dance on your tongue. I intend to savor it.

Days to surgery: 8
Pounds lost so far: 55 (I gained 2 this week - psycho cycle has returned)

I keep repeating to myself that I can do this. I'm stronger than I think I am. I'm stronger than I think I am. Yes! I know I am.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Pedicure!

I said when I lost 50 pounds, I would treat myself to my first-ever pedicure. So I did and it was pretty damn sweet.

I have a thing about people touching my feet - it freaks me out a little. I'm not really sure why, but it's not a favorite thing of mine. And, if I'm being honest, I've always felt self-conscious about getting stuff like that done because I have it in my head that the person doing it is thinking to themselves "OMG, I can't believe I have to touch this ugly fat chick." Yeah, I know. But I'm being honest. Massages are another huge phobia because of that reason...I don't think I could ever submit to a massage. I would never be able to relax enough to enjoy it.

In my late 20s I discovered the joy of manicures and got them pretty frequently when I lived in Ohio and could better afford them. Still, hands and feet aren't the same thing. LOL!

This past Saturday, the Ontario league of Bo Peeps got together for lunch. Well, most of us anyway. There's nothing like sitting around chatting with people who 'get it'. My friend Marianne's niece Meredith is an esthetician so afterwards, she and I went to her sister's house so Meredith could take away my innocence *adjusts halo*

Meredith is a very sweet, very pretty young woman who really, seriously knows what she's doing. She made me feel comfortable and shockingly enough, I wasn't the least bit freaked out by anything she was doing. It was a comfy setting in a private home with a good friend by my side; it was a good place to lose my pedi virginity. I chose 'black cherry' as my color. I thought it appropriate. HA!

So here are my pretty new feet. I've never had hooves like this, lemme tell ya! (click to enlarge)



I'm trying to remain positive and eat right despite overwhelming stress at work and at home. I should've went swimming tonight but I went walking instead. 20 mins.....getting to that 30 min. mark slowly but surely! Thanks for all of your ongoing support. *mwah*

Friday, June 19, 2009

Exercise matters

Wow, so all that walking must've paid off because I just stepped on the scale and I'm down seven pounds. Very cool! That's 57 so far.

Just had to update that situation. Sure does improve my mood and lessen the stress, that's for sure! I woke up a little before 6, unable to sleep. My job has cut our hours by one - meaning they want us in at 10 now, not 9. So I tried to get back to sleep this morning but was having no luck. So I came out to the living room and talked to Erich for a while. He almost always makes me feel better. He was watching something on tv and turned it to the comedy network when he saw how stressed out I was. I was dreading getting on the scale because usually, in my life, when it rains it pours so to speak. So I was pretty damn stoked about that 7-lb. loss.

I rock.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Untitled?

All week long, I kept thinking, "I need to blog, I need to blog, I need to blog." I really want to commit to doing this at least once a week. It keeps me honest and lets me vent (aren't you all lucky??) without resorting to weapons of either minor or mass destruction. But lately my brain doesn't seem to be forming coherent thoughts very well. Pardon me if I morph into an impression of "Rambling Bo".

I sat down and re-read my gastric bypass binder last night and made lists of questions, things I need to buy, etc. I also took out a highlighter and, well, highlighted the points I think are important. It sorta felt like I was back in college, cramming for a final or something. The highlights will be my own version of Cliff Notes. I need to get my butt to the store, too. Here's some of the stuff I need:

- A 1 oz. measuring cup. Does such a thing even freakin' exist? Seriously.

- Dial. They want us to wash with anti-bacterial soap for 3 days before the surgery "paying special attention to the abdomen." Right.

- Pepcid AC or Zantac. I need to take this post-op to "keep my pouch calm". It's no longer a stomach; it's a pouch.

- Flintsones vitamins. Well, they need to be chewable. I can't take large pills (read: any pills) right afterwards and I need two iron-fortified multivitamins daily. I'll also need B12, iron and calcium supplements. Supposedly the pharmacy at Henry Ford has a great supply of "bariatric vitamins" and I can get all I need for around $56.

- Popsicles, Jell-O and broth. All sugar-free and/or low sodium. This isn't as easy as it sounds in Canada. I've looked around for months and have found some products that are suitable, once I figured out that in Canada, Jello-O light means sugar free. Plus there are some new products in my grocery store that will work.

- Protein supplements.

In early May, Erich and I got some protein supplement samples from our local health store. It's not GNC, but it works. Then my grandmother died and my schedule got all screwed up. We finally got around to testing some of the samples this past weekend. Erich mixed them up and I tasted. One brand was really awful. I mean...awful. OMG, I would never willingly drink something like that. But the other tasted like Reese's peanut butter cups. Mmm. So we'll go with that one.

I stop eating on June 30th. Well, for all intents and purposes, anyway. One week before bariatric surgery, you are required to go on a diet of popsicles, broth, Jell-O and protein supplements. I kinda feel like someone on death row. I keep thinking that I want this, that or the other to have for a 'last meal'. It's real work to stay on track right now because all I can think of are the things I won't be able to eat for weeks, months, or maybe ever.

All of this and my job is worse than ever. I swear sometimes it's like they're testing me. It's enough to drive a person crazy.

I've been walking more than ever this week. Because of the incision, I won't be able to go to the pool for weeks after the surgery so walking will be my main source of exercise. I'm trying to build it up so I can go 30 mins. I can do 20, which is much better than I used to. I go at "a pretty good clip", too, or so Erich tells me. I'd love to run. I don't know why, I guess because I never thought I'd be one of those people you see running along the road in the early morning looking chic in shorts and ponytail. I want to do all things I never thought I could.

By the way, I stayed the same on the scale last Friday. Well, that's not true - I gained 2 lbs., then had lost them by Sat. morning. Aiyiyi. Enough to drive a person crazy, I tell you.

I'm excited about this new phase of my life but also in mourning a little bit, too. The old me and my old way of life is dying in a way. There are days when I'm ready to dance on her grave and days I'm weeping with regret. Overall, I am absolutely sure this is the best thing I have ever done for myself and the outcome will be worth all the stress. ;-)

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Milestone #2 - and reality setting in

I lost 5 lbs. this week for a total of 50. *whew* I was starting to freakin' sweat there for a while! The last month has been rough. I was staying the same, up a pound, lost a pound, etc. When you're used to seeing an average 4-lb. loss a week, that can be frustrating. I know I can't keep that pace forever but it still sucked while it lasted. Maybe the "plateau" is cleared, at least for now.

So now I gotta get my pedicure. I had lunch with my friend Marianne yesterday who suggested taking me to her niece's, an esthetician, the next time she comes to the area. I will definitely do that, but I want to get the pedicure sooner. My stepdaughter is a hairdresser so maybe I'll go into her salon (and use her employee discount..heh). We'll see.

Marianne is going to the CMA Music Fest in Nashville this week. Ah yes, a lot of my friends will be there. Bo will be all over the place including hosting the first-ever fan club party. The fact that I cannot possibly go has me close to slashing my wrists, I'll admit (kidding). But Marianne and I were talking. She's "family" as us plus-size girls like to say, although not near my size. She's a little concerned about all the walking around that comes with going to a huge festival like that. I would be, too. It's something that most people take for granted, this thing of being able to move around without thinking about it much. Oh sure, if even an average-sized person walked around for 5 days they'd feel it. But they would be ABLE to walk around a festival for 5 days. I don't think there's any way I could do that at all, so maybe it's ok that I can't go to Nashville next week.

Next year. And the little hippie boy BETTER have another party next year. If he doesn't, maybe I'll have my own. Heh.

It's June 7 and one month from today I'll be on the operating table. Wow. I'm really doing this, huh? Geez...*deep breath* The reality of the situation is setting in. I'm a worrier by nature so I'm starting to stress out a little. I haven't been sleeping very well since I got back from my grandmother's funeral. I keep waking up during the night. I have a lot going through my head, I guess - work stress (mine & Erich's) to paperwork to nth degree plus a death in the family and more.

Ruby returns for a 2nd season on July 5, the day before I leave for Detroit. I'm soooo gonna watch that and try to draw some strength from her. I'll probably be bawling like a baby!

In any event, life is good and if there's any kind of stress that's productive, I guess it would be the kind that involves thinking about and planning a whole new life. I'm about to change in ways that I can't even understand yet, but it's a good thing. It's all good.