Reality check

This has not been the best of weeks for me so I decided to do one of my gratitude entries tonight.

Tonight, I am grateful for:

My husband. He is giving me the best anniversary gift any woman could ever ask for - a week away in paradise alone with him. I say that's a wonderful gift because I'm truly in love with him and WANT to be alone with him for a week! Erich works nights; I work days. We see each other on the weekends, although we do talk on the phone each night before I go to sleep. So time together is precious. Often, we are not together on our anniversary date and must celebrate on weekends. This year, on May 26, we will be together on a beach in the Dominican Republic. When nothing else seems to be going right in the world, I know above all things that he loves me and sees something in me that brings light to his face when our eyes meet. This is at times enough to keep me from falling apart, more often than I care to admit.

My health. I had a CAT scan on Wednesday and the results came up clear; my kidneys seem to be ok. No growth, no stones. I've felt better for about a week now, so I figured the stone was gone. The growth thing had me worried, though. I admit I've been stress eating this week and haven't hit the gym once. Not good. I'll have to get back on the horse next week, when psycho-cycle dies down.

Music. Thursday evening on my way home from work, I was thinking about some things and was feeling a little overwhelmed. Then this came on the radio. Perfect timing, like divine intervention. Made me drive in circles an extra few mins. just to hear the whole song. I'm telling you, there is nothing in this world that can bug you when you listen to the guitar solo in 'Freebird'. Nothing. Your mind goes blank and you crank up the sound and just...are. If you don't buy that, screw you. You're insane. You are WRONG. "Music saves the soul" - Kris Bell. Doesn't have to be 'Freebird' for you, but music will lift you up. It just does.

Friends. I lost a dear friend this week. It was a huge shock and made me think that you better hug the ones you love because you never know what they are going through or when you'll see them again. Never take it for granted. I go to Niagara Falls (one of my favorite places!) tomorrow to get together with some of my nearest and dearest fellow humans. I can't wait to see them and hug their necks. Bo Bice has brought so many amazing people into Erich's and my lives. I am so grateful to Bo just because of this if nothing else.

Kitty cats. Every morning, I wake up to these two little faces.


There really isn't much I wouldn't do for them. I'm convinced they are on earth to remind me not to sweat the small stuff. I mean, they could give a rat's ass about much except food, water and a clean place to crap. That's all there is, right? A few toys for amusement. A stroke every now and then. What else is there?

Laughter. Work is not a happy place in theory but at least I know when I get there, I will be amused. Thank goodness I like the people I work with, you know? I'm positive that's why most of us are still there. We like to be around each other every day. That, my friends, is a gift.

So really, not much to bitch about. It's all good. Plus I have tickets to two Bo shows in Michigan in July. SWEET. ;-) I urge all of you to take the time, when life seems to be body slamming you at every turn, to find the gratitude. It's there. I promise.

Crystal clear

I recently finished the book Hungry by plus-size supermodel Crystal Renn. Crystal was a normal, beautiful girl growing up in Mississippi until a model scout told her she could be famous if she shaved 10 inches off her hips. She promptly developed anorexia nervosa but obtained only modest success.

At one point, even living on steamed veggies and 4-hour-a-day workouts wouldn't keep the weight off. At 5'9", she had gained up to the whopping number of 130 pounds when her agent told her she had to do *something*. After all, she was a "huge" size 4 and this was not acceptable. Something clicked and she fought her way back to sanity and the 165 pounds/size 12 she is supposed to be. Not surprisingly, her career skyrocketed and she has at long last posed for the covers of Vogue she longed for when she was 98 pounds.

We won't even go into the ridiculousness of a size-12 girl being a "plus-size" supermodel.

Check out Crystal talking about her book and her life in this video:



I've often bemoaned the fact that there is so much more sympathy and treatment out there for anorexics than for people like me. I'm not sure if it's the visual frailty of anorexics that brings out some nurturing instinct in society or what. I do know that as I search for a therapist, I'm finding exactly ZERO who specialize in obesity and/or food addiction....there are lots who specialize in anorexia or bulimia.

I Googled 'anorexia vs. obesity' and found a site where someone asked the question, "Who would you have more sympathy for - an obese person or an anorexic?" A lot said they would have sympathy for both but some who chose the anorexic did so for really ignorant reasons. They said things like "anorexia is not just a weight issue, it's a mental issue". Really? Do you think weighing 400 pounds is just a "weight issue"? It goes back to my earlier blog about the stigma against overweight people in general and the decision to have gastric bypass surgery specifically. Most wouldn't suggest an anorexic girl simply "just eat" to solve her issue but a lot actually *do* suggest an obese girl get it together and push the plate away - do it on your own. Hence the view that surgery is "way too drastic" or the "easy way out" of obesity.

I couldn't put Hungry down. I'm a verrrry slow reader but it only took me a couple days to finish it off. Crystal's problem, anorexia, was the opposite of mine - chronic food addiction - but we are similar in so many ways. The pathology to use food as a method to either protect or punish (or both) exists with both disorders. Crystal and I just went about destroying ourselves in different ways. But the treatment - healthy eating and controlled exercise - is the same for both of us. Hungry is much more than a model's superficial memoir. It often reads like a textbook on eating disorders and the psychology of a culture that demands people - and women in particular - look a certain way. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has issues with food. And doesn't that cover most of you?

Last month, I blogged about my success story being published in Barbara Thompson's newsletter for bariatric patients. I was not prepared for the wonderful response I got! As soon as it was sent out, I started to receive emails from all over the world congratulating me on my weight loss and letting me know that my story was inspirational. I tell you, I needed that. All of that encouragement and love couldn't have come at a better time and I appreciated it so much. I know I've picked up new subscribers and Facebook friends; WELCOME! I will say this, though: If you request me on Facebook, let me know that you're a reader. If I don't recognize the name, sometimes I question accepting a request. I'm actually thinking of starting a 'Sweeping Cindy' Facebook page to eliminate this concern.

In that same blog from last month I talked about possible gallbladder issues. I have now learned that it was a stone in my right kidney causing me so much pain and trouble. As far as I know, it's still there; I go on Thursday for another ultrasound to see if it's gone. It's quite small, so cross your fingers. The tests also found two cysts on my ovaries and that my left kidney is "malformed" and has a "growth" on it. I will have more tests to see what that's all about.

I'm hoping the discovery of my ovarian cysts will put an end to psycho-cycle. I've complained about it for years but was always brushed off due to my weight. You know..." If you'd just lose weight, you'd be healthy." Yeah, ok. Can't use that excuse anymore, doc! So hopefully everything will get fixed now!

Honey, I'm having gastric bypass surgery

I've written before about the need for a support system while tackling a weight-loss journey but there needs to be special attention paid to one important relationship: The one you have with your significant other.

I feel lucky that Erich married me when I looked like this. I've never been under any pressure from him to lose weight because I knew, right from the start, that he already loved me the way I was. Partly due to this, I believe, he was able to support me in a loving way with no ulterior motives about wanting me to look better for him; it was all about ME and how I felt. Of course, I imagine he enjoys the fact that I look better, too!

A dear friend asked me how losing 250 pounds has affected my and Erich's relationship. He said, "I can imagine how gaining 250 pounds would affect it and just wonder how losing 250 pounds would (affect it)." Erich is a man of few words. When he has something to say, there's usually a reason behind it and it's a good idea to listen. So he doesn't say a whole lot about what I've accomplished but when he does, it conveys the quiet strength and pride he himself possesses - and used to help me - that allowed me to reach my goals. Honestly I can't say he treats me any differently now than before. Love is love and it's always been there. Have I mentioned how lucky I am?

The required reading at Henry Ford for bariatric patients, Barbara Thompson's Weight Loss Surgery: Finding the Thin Person Hiding Inside You, includes a chapter for significant others written by Barbara's husband, Frank, that your spouse is also required to read. Frank begins by saying how scared he was at the thought of a doctor 'rerouting' his wife's intestines and the myriad of questions he had concerning not only the surgery itself but how both their lives would be affected afterward. Yes, he thought about himself. Of course he did! It can be a game changer and if your spouse isn't ready for the ride, bad things can happen.

I've heard stories of spouses trying to talk the patient out of surgery. "It's too dramatic!" "You're not THAT fat!" Or, of course the dreaded "Can't you just try one more time and do it yourself?" All of this is futile and the last one borders on abusive. None of it is what the patient needs or wants to hear. Education is critical. At Henry Ford, Erich was required to attend the nutritional and surgical education classes with me. He went to every doctor's appointment. He did all of that for me but for himself, too. He needed the classes just as much as I did.

When one person in the relationship changes so dramatically - for any reason - it can be tough on the couple. But with weight loss, the person who changes goes through a total transformation. Diet, lifestyle - everything is different. The way I see myself and the world around me is completely upside down from what it was, in so many ways. It makes me restless and the urge to get out and DO things is palpable. I can't be married to a couch potato and have this new life. Thank god Erich has been right there with me, willing to do new things right along beside me. His life has changed, too, and we're both so much better for it.

If you are beginning this journey and have a spouse who may not be totally supportive, I urge you to get some counseling before having the surgery because it WILL change everything about your life together and you must be ready for that. Make sure he or she is educated and understands the seriousness of your decision. If he or she is also overweight, you can do this together! Not the surgery necessarily, but when your habits change, theirs most likely will, too. That can only be a good thing...try to get them to see that. If they are still resistant well, maybe it's time to move on for your own sake. I know that may sound harsh but there comes a time when you have to take care of YOU. The longer you delay breaking free of your body, the shorter your time will be to enjoy it. And that's worth thinking about.

Guilt at the grocery

You know how some former smokers say they enjoy the smell of cigarette smoke? If they are around to inhale it secondhand, they enjoy it even if they know it won't make them pick up a Marlboro again. I know not all of them say that, but some do. Just go with me on this.

I'm finding a strange correlation to this behavior with me and some food. For instance, Cinnabon at the mall invokes a Pavlovian response from me. It's the craziest thing. I want to walk past it just to smell it. OMG, it smells like heaven. Frosted cinnamon rolls were one of my favorite things pre-op and that smell is just the best thing in the world. I go to the mall and I will smell it. On purpose.

Then there's grocery shopping. In the last few weeks, I've realized that I will go to the grocery store and do the following: I browse the bakery, the chip aisle. I always look. I go around and check everything out, pick things up. OH! A new flavor of chips is out. Interesting. How much sodium is in it? Which is less calories - the pecan butter tarts or the raisin butter tarts? I look at nutritional labels. Why I do that is beyond me. The information isn't going to get better with each viewing. And then I put it back. Well, 99% of the time. But I always want to look. There's a strange pathological need to visit my old friends.

Does that make me cuckoo? Probably. Ah, well.

The thing about the grocery store is that you need to stick to the perimeter. Fresh fruit, veggies, lean meats and dairy. That's what you want. The damn chip aisle is my version of the pink Barbie aisle at Toys R Us, though. I can't stay away. Actually, I like the Barbie aisle, too....

I've learned that there really shouldn't be any food that you "can't have". The minute you tell yourself you can't have it, you'll want it more. Before you know it, you're seeing dancing french fries in your dreams and your kid's head will start to resemble a Haagen-Dazs ice cream cone. I'm just sayin'. It'll make you nuts so just stop it.

Therefore, I do still eat the things that would make a nutritionist cringe. The difference between pre- and post-op is that I don't eat whatever I want, whenever I want it, and however much of it I want. I have a cheeseburger about once a month now instead of a few times a week. That sort of thing, you know? I do still want it but there's no way I will let a double quarter pounder come between me and what I've accomplished so far. Most of the time I don't even think about it but once in a while I do crave the bad stuff. I truly believe that's not a problem. You can't be a food nun 100% of the time and not be a robot, in my opinion. And if you are, then I bet you don't have many human friends. Again, I'm just sayin'.

Learning to live a healthy life is all about choices. If you're smart 80% of the time, you can be a little Lindsay Lohan-ish the other 20%. Go to the gym today so you can have a piece of chocolate tomorrow and savor it without guilt. That, my dears, is what's called WINNING!! (tm Charlie Sheen). I swear I'm going to do a blog on "winning". I freakin' love that.

That's not to say I don't still mess up from time to time. No one is perfect. Just get back on the horse and do the best you can. And trust me - you can do better than you think. You're stronger than you even understand.

No madness in my method

I've been thinking about this blog for a long time. About how to say what I feel without being overly emotional and/or judgmental. Well screw it. I'm just gonna let it fly.

With the new year came the obligatory diet ads scolding everyone for having fun over the holidays and attempting to shame people (read: women) into getting their fat asses into the gym and for god's sake, join Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig why don't ya!?! There are also tons of feature stories in popular press, smiling success stories fresh from their New York makeovers (how do I get one of those?...oh right...more on that later) gleefully professing their love of their new bodies. And good for them. No really. I'm very happy for anyone who can overcome chronic overeating.

This year, I watched these ads & stories on tv and read them in print with a new perspective. I suppose I always noticed it but this year something ticked me off more than usual. The major selling point in the vast majority of the success stories we hear proudly proclaim the lack of surgery to get there. So-and-so lost 100 pounds!! And no tricks, NO SURGERY!!

On the Today Show one morning, I heard Matt Lauer seek confirmation from the author of a weight-loss success magazine article: "These people did this without surgery, right?" What would've been his reply if she had said no? Get off the stage? They're not real success stories? Matt's co-anchor, Al Roker, is a bariatric patient. I kept wondering as I watched...what would Al think of that question?

While watching "The Biggest Loser" last season, I remember the show doctor quoting gastric bypass statistics and host Allison Sweeney shaking her head in...what? Sadness? Disgust?

A trainer on the show "I Used to Be Fat" was very dismayed to find out the mother of his client was a gastric bypass patient. He said he wanted the teenager he was charged with to lose weight "the right way".

Even Oprah Winfrey has uttered the 'no surgery' qualifier.

Why is this? What is it about bariatric surgery that makes so many people think it's easier than "traditional" methods of weight loss? Ok, yeah. I had my stomach surgically reduced. Do they think that was EASY? Do they think I would've done that if I hadn't tried over and over, for DECADES, the diets they espouse but failed me at every turn? Do they think I just lack the discipline and character to lose weight "the right way"?

I've blogged before about people's reactions when I tell them I had gastric bypass. I've never had out and out disdain but I have had people go from hugely impressed to an 'oh, ok, of course' kind of attitude. I've also been asked things like "So did you still have to exercise?" "Do you have to eat baby food?" "But you still have to watch what you eat, right?"

Seriously?

I was out to dinner once and someone noticed I was not attacking the bread basket like some of the others present. She said, sort of forlornly, "Don't you miss not being able to eat things, like bread?" I wanted to say "Well....I *can* eat bread. I am choosing not to because I want to save my calories for my meal and perhaps dessert. I make choices. I do have some self-control; I don't need my pouch to direct my eating at all times." But instead I just answered with "I can eat anything I want. I'm just not having the bread right now."

There seems to be a lot of misconceptions about gastric bypass. It's not the easy way out. It's not some "trick" we have played on you so we will lose weight and you won't. Yes, you still have to exercise (I'm amazed I feel the need to clarify that). Yes, you still have to watch what you eat. The surgery is a tool that will help you a lot, at least at first, gain control of your eating habits. You have no choice at first. The hope is that the new behaviors you learn during the "honeymoon phase" stick with you. You have to change your head in order to change your body. That part isn't easy for anyone trying to lose massive amounts of weight. Actually, I'm considering counseling to help me come to terms with why I think and eat the way I have and still sometimes want to. It's a constant struggle. There's nothing easier about it for me than anyone else.

Not everyone will succeed even with the surgery. Please believe me when I tell you I hear that ALLLLL the freakin' time. "So-and-so had it, lost 100 pounds but gained it all back." "My mother's cousin's ex-boyfriend had it but didn't lose very much." Yeah, yeah, I know. Funny how I never heard horror stories when I was on Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Atkins, Physician's Weight Loss, Deal-A-Meal, etc., etc., etc. I never heard a single thing but "Good for you! Good luck!" I hardly ever hear a gastric bypass success story. It's always the bad, like people want you to understand that you will not be successful long term.

It doesn't make any sense: Gastric-bypass patients' successes are often not valued with the reasoning that it's too easy. Yet, if it's so easy, why must we always be reminded that success will never last? Don't get too cocky!! It'll all come right back on just like Billy Joe Jim Bob's cousin Cooter. I honestly don't think this happens much to someone who loses 250 pounds the "traditional" way.

I feel defensive and apologetic at the same time. I worked my ass off for all 250 pounds I have lost. It's not like I had surgery and 250 pounds just magically fell off my body. Yet I sometimes hesitate to tell people how I did it because I fear the reaction that's coming. Oh, I tell them anyway. To hell with it.

Honestly, I do think it's too easy to *get* the surgery. And it's getting easier, which isn't a good thing, in my opinion. I saw on Anderson Cooper several weeks ago that restrictions are being relaxed on lap-band surgery in the U.S. I don't entirely agree with that. Surgery should be a point of last resort, for the truly ill.

But gastric bypass can be a life-saving choice. Why not make that choice? Why is the method by which I chose to save my life any worse than someone else's? After trying to lose excess weight since childhood, I found myself under 40 but with several life-threatening diseases directly related to my morbid obesity. Now tell me - should I have tried yet another diet or went with something that would let me see radical success short term, which in turn would perhaps give me the motivation to continue long enough to actually lose the weight and keep it off? You see what I'm saying?

I've lost the weight. I'm healthy, happy and am just so much better in every way. Why does the method matter? I did it! Isn't that enough to be celebrated in the same way as someone who loses weight on Weight Watchers?

Most people are genuinely happy for me - the great, vast majority are and I love them for it. I truly believe most of the problem is simply a lack of education. People don't understand what the surgery is or how it works. And it's too bad that the media keep perpetuating the myths.

My sweet friends keep telling me I should be on television - on Oprah, or Dr. Oz or something. What they don't understand is I can't overcome the method. The method I used to lose this weight is not well respected by the mainstream media. So I may never make it to Oprah or get my New York makeover. I am slowly learning about other, friendlier outlets through which to share my story. Letting others know there is a way out of the prison of obesity feels like a calling to me. Freedom is there; don't be afraid of the method, whatever you choose. Just get started and the rest will come.