Judgment nation

I've had a pretty crazy week, so I'm just going to get right to it and talk about a few things out in the news last week, things I have definite opinions on and feel need to be addressed.

The British singer Adele appears on the cover of current issue of "Vogue" magazine. The article is wonderful and makes no mention of her figure. Adele herself has been quoted as saying she "makes music for ears, not eyes." Well, let your eyes get a load of this (click to enlarge):



Obviously, this has created a lot of controversy. Why would they so obviously Photoshop her body in that way? I don't have an issue with them perfecting her skin or whatever, but making her body look like Jessica Rabbit is not cool. She's gorgeous just the way she is. What kind of message does this send to young girls? You can have the voice of an angel, be beautiful to look at, honored for your outstanding work by your peers but....but really, we still want you to look like a Barbie doll. Crazy, crazy stuff. Totally wrong and dangerous.

The other story that caught my attention last week was an interview Star Jones did with Matt Lauer on the Today Show. I believe this is the first time Star has really opened up about her gastric bypass surgery and resulting 160-pound weight loss.



Star begins the interview by declaring "“I was definitely a food addict. My entire adult life I had been overweight. I wasn’t fluffy. I wasn’t full figured. I wasn’t plus-sized. I was morbidly obese.” She goes on to explain her decision to keep the surgery a secret - she had made so much of her life public, some fans were understandably upset when learning how she launched her weight-loss success story. And she gets that. She basically just said she wasn't ready.

Honestly, I totally understand why so many people choose to hide it. There's a large stigma, even today but even more so in 2003, attached to having this surgery. I'm not sure what the difference would be between someone who uses surgery to help them lose weight and someone who uses a nicotine patch to help them quit smoking. Would you tell the reformed smoker that they "took the easy way out" or didn't "do it on their own" simply because they didn't go cold turkey? Whatever works, people. This is a matter of life and death. The stigma really has to stop.

Star says she attributes about 100 pounds of loss directly to the surgery; the rest was just hard work. She's so right about that. You will lose weight at first but it's up to you to eat right and get your ass to the gym to go the distance and lose all you need to then keep it off.

Then we had the sad and tragic news of Whitney Houston's death. I learned this from a dear friend while at a dinner party in Nashville (more on that later!) and needless to say, I was stunned. She was a big part of my teenage years and beyond, her beautiful voice weaving its way into precious memories of my youth. We still don't know for sure what killed her but boy, the opinions are pretty narrow. It had to be a drug overdose, right? And should we be honoring her (with either half-mast flags or non-stop press coverage) when she was just a drug addict anyway?

How sad. How sad that we can't just remember her for the wonderful memories she brought to our lives. Even if you have never bought a Whitney Houston CD in your life, surely (especially if you're American) you remember her unparalleled rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner at the 1991 Super Bowl. Do you remember who was playing? Who won? Probably not. But you remember this:



For the record, I don't think the flags in New Jersey should be at half mast. But not because she was "just a drug addict singer". I don't think it should've been done for Frank Sinatra, either - but it was. That honor should be reserved for fallen soldiers, presidents, etc.

The sad parallel between these three seemingly unrelated stories? Our expectations of other people and the way we so harshly judge them when we know nothing about them or the struggles they go through. Adele is judged for her body, not her voice. Star for her obesity and the method she chose to save her own life, and not her intellect. Whitney for her illness of addiction and not her fantastic talent. Society places such unrealistic expectations of perfection on people, especially women.

I propose that we all give each other a break. Just a thought.

No madness in my method

I've been thinking about this blog for a long time. About how to say what I feel without being overly emotional and/or judgmental. Well screw it. I'm just gonna let it fly.

With the new year came the obligatory diet ads scolding everyone for having fun over the holidays and attempting to shame people (read: women) into getting their fat asses into the gym and for god's sake, join Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig why don't ya!?! There are also tons of feature stories in popular press, smiling success stories fresh from their New York makeovers (how do I get one of those?...oh right...more on that later) gleefully professing their love of their new bodies. And good for them. No really. I'm very happy for anyone who can overcome chronic overeating.

This year, I watched these ads & stories on tv and read them in print with a new perspective. I suppose I always noticed it but this year something ticked me off more than usual. The major selling point in the vast majority of the success stories we hear proudly proclaim the lack of surgery to get there. So-and-so lost 100 pounds!! And no tricks, NO SURGERY!!

On the Today Show one morning, I heard Matt Lauer seek confirmation from the author of a weight-loss success magazine article: "These people did this without surgery, right?" What would've been his reply if she had said no? Get off the stage? They're not real success stories? Matt's co-anchor, Al Roker, is a bariatric patient. I kept wondering as I watched...what would Al think of that question?

While watching "The Biggest Loser" last season, I remember the show doctor quoting gastric bypass statistics and host Allison Sweeney shaking her head in...what? Sadness? Disgust?

A trainer on the show "I Used to Be Fat" was very dismayed to find out the mother of his client was a gastric bypass patient. He said he wanted the teenager he was charged with to lose weight "the right way".

Even Oprah Winfrey has uttered the 'no surgery' qualifier.

Why is this? What is it about bariatric surgery that makes so many people think it's easier than "traditional" methods of weight loss? Ok, yeah. I had my stomach surgically reduced. Do they think that was EASY? Do they think I would've done that if I hadn't tried over and over, for DECADES, the diets they espouse but failed me at every turn? Do they think I just lack the discipline and character to lose weight "the right way"?

I've blogged before about people's reactions when I tell them I had gastric bypass. I've never had out and out disdain but I have had people go from hugely impressed to an 'oh, ok, of course' kind of attitude. I've also been asked things like "So did you still have to exercise?" "Do you have to eat baby food?" "But you still have to watch what you eat, right?"

Seriously?

I was out to dinner once and someone noticed I was not attacking the bread basket like some of the others present. She said, sort of forlornly, "Don't you miss not being able to eat things, like bread?" I wanted to say "Well....I *can* eat bread. I am choosing not to because I want to save my calories for my meal and perhaps dessert. I make choices. I do have some self-control; I don't need my pouch to direct my eating at all times." But instead I just answered with "I can eat anything I want. I'm just not having the bread right now."

There seems to be a lot of misconceptions about gastric bypass. It's not the easy way out. It's not some "trick" we have played on you so we will lose weight and you won't. Yes, you still have to exercise (I'm amazed I feel the need to clarify that). Yes, you still have to watch what you eat. The surgery is a tool that will help you a lot, at least at first, gain control of your eating habits. You have no choice at first. The hope is that the new behaviors you learn during the "honeymoon phase" stick with you. You have to change your head in order to change your body. That part isn't easy for anyone trying to lose massive amounts of weight. Actually, I'm considering counseling to help me come to terms with why I think and eat the way I have and still sometimes want to. It's a constant struggle. There's nothing easier about it for me than anyone else.

Not everyone will succeed even with the surgery. Please believe me when I tell you I hear that ALLLLL the freakin' time. "So-and-so had it, lost 100 pounds but gained it all back." "My mother's cousin's ex-boyfriend had it but didn't lose very much." Yeah, yeah, I know. Funny how I never heard horror stories when I was on Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Atkins, Physician's Weight Loss, Deal-A-Meal, etc., etc., etc. I never heard a single thing but "Good for you! Good luck!" I hardly ever hear a gastric bypass success story. It's always the bad, like people want you to understand that you will not be successful long term.

It doesn't make any sense: Gastric-bypass patients' successes are often not valued with the reasoning that it's too easy. Yet, if it's so easy, why must we always be reminded that success will never last? Don't get too cocky!! It'll all come right back on just like Billy Joe Jim Bob's cousin Cooter. I honestly don't think this happens much to someone who loses 250 pounds the "traditional" way.

I feel defensive and apologetic at the same time. I worked my ass off for all 250 pounds I have lost. It's not like I had surgery and 250 pounds just magically fell off my body. Yet I sometimes hesitate to tell people how I did it because I fear the reaction that's coming. Oh, I tell them anyway. To hell with it.

Honestly, I do think it's too easy to *get* the surgery. And it's getting easier, which isn't a good thing, in my opinion. I saw on Anderson Cooper several weeks ago that restrictions are being relaxed on lap-band surgery in the U.S. I don't entirely agree with that. Surgery should be a point of last resort, for the truly ill.

But gastric bypass can be a life-saving choice. Why not make that choice? Why is the method by which I chose to save my life any worse than someone else's? After trying to lose excess weight since childhood, I found myself under 40 but with several life-threatening diseases directly related to my morbid obesity. Now tell me - should I have tried yet another diet or went with something that would let me see radical success short term, which in turn would perhaps give me the motivation to continue long enough to actually lose the weight and keep it off? You see what I'm saying?

I've lost the weight. I'm healthy, happy and am just so much better in every way. Why does the method matter? I did it! Isn't that enough to be celebrated in the same way as someone who loses weight on Weight Watchers?

Most people are genuinely happy for me - the great, vast majority are and I love them for it. I truly believe most of the problem is simply a lack of education. People don't understand what the surgery is or how it works. And it's too bad that the media keep perpetuating the myths.

My sweet friends keep telling me I should be on television - on Oprah, or Dr. Oz or something. What they don't understand is I can't overcome the method. The method I used to lose this weight is not well respected by the mainstream media. So I may never make it to Oprah or get my New York makeover. I am slowly learning about other, friendlier outlets through which to share my story. Letting others know there is a way out of the prison of obesity feels like a calling to me. Freedom is there; don't be afraid of the method, whatever you choose. Just get started and the rest will come.