The 'normal trip' - part three

After having some dinner at the Mexican place, we all decided to go to the Opryland Hotel to see their Christmas lights display. Even as we approached it from the highway, we could see we were in for a real treat! It was gorgeous. We were told later on that there are two million lights - workers begin putting them out in July or August. It was a wonderful nightcap to the day's, and weekend's, festivities. Everyone was already so happy to be together and this was just the icing on the cake. It's a special time of the year to be with good friends!

(Click all thumbnails to enlarge):






While we were looking at the nativity scene and snapping pictures, a young man approached me and asked me to take a photo of him and his wife (or girlfriend, whatever). I obliged. Laura said "Look at you, all approachable!" LOL! I have found that to be true. Strangers smile at me more now and say hello. I'm not sure if it's because I'm different externally, that is, more 'pleasing to the eye' or something like that, or if it's something that's changed internally and makes me seem more congenial. It's probably a combination of both.

A lot of people have told me they've never seen me smile so much. That I seem so happy and confident. Even my mother said this to me recently. I responded "Really? So many people say that. I don't think I was that unhappy before - it's not like I never smiled." But she said it's different now. I guess I buy that....again, my brain hasn't caught up with everything that's happened to me yet. I think I've changed, unconsciously, in ways I can't grasp yet but that is perhaps visible on my face and in my eyes. If so, that's cool.

I was by myself at Opryland at one point, taking photos right in front of the hotel, and a guy walking past stopped, smiled at me and asked "You want me to take your picture?" Well, knock me over with a feather. WHAT?? I'm so not used to shit like this. I told him 'sure' and handed him my camera. "Ohhh, that's nice," he said and got this shot. It's a little dark & blurry, but that's ok.



The inside of the hotel was decorated beautifully as well, and we walked all over the place exploring. I can't explain to you how freeing it is to be able to walk. That's all. Just walk. The mobility is amazing to me and is the biggest change I can think of after all of this, even more so than anything externally. I just walked and walked, taking photo after photo.









I thought Bill and Paris were in front of me at one point but they were not. Next thing I know, I hear "CINNNNDDYYYYY!!!!" It's them, yelling and waving at me from halfway across the botanical garden skywalk. I went back over to them and Bill said "We can't keep up with YOU now!" LOL! I honestly thought they were in front of me and I was just going to keep walking all the way around the skywalk. Without even thinking about it.

We'd bought some tickets to take a horse and carriage ride earlier and it was time to head back outside before the ride closed. Paris first mentioned wanting to go on them and I said "Yeah, I want to, too!" I knew this was something I never would've attempted a year ago and would be another 'hey-I-can-do-this' moment for me. How fun to experience it with some of my best friends! A year ago, I would've felt too sorry for the horse; I never would've been able to get up into the carriage; and the seats would've been too small for anyone to sit beside me. I was still hesitant of the seat size, since they wanted 4 of us in the carriage at once, 2 on each side.

"Oh...those seats are small," I said. My friends assured me it would be fine, and it was. Nancy climbed in first and when I sat beside her, we had plenty of room. I felt so good and so NORMAL sitting in that carriage. I never, ever would've done that a year ago. As I said in my last blog, I've always tried to never put myself in situations where I'd become embarrassed, so I just would've made some excuse like 'I don't like horses' or 'I need to make a phone call'. Something to get me out of it. I loved it and would've went on another ride if there had been time!

Nancy and me in the carriage:


As the evening drew to a close, we met up with some more good friends and wandered around outside a little longer, admiring the lights. The end of the weekend was approaching and it was a bittersweet time.

I slept pretty well that night but woke up very early. I decided to go downstairs and try to print out my boarding pass. I ran into a few other fan club members on their way home. We exchanged hugs and it was a reminder that yeah, things were coming to a close.

Later on, we all met some friends at a Cracker Barrel near the airport. There were about a dozen of us and we clearly didn't want this trip to end; we stood outside for a good half hour taking pictures, hugging and crying as we all said goodbye to one another.



As I was on the plane coming home that evening, I reflected on everything this trip meant to me. It was wonderful to see old friends and meet some new ones; to hear and see Bo again; and to find myself, to find my life. I've had a hell of a year and I can't think of a more perfect way to celebrate my life. I always treasured my trips before but now they will be extra special because I know what I was missing before: The effortless joy that comes with life. As The Man himself says - "Life should be a journey for your heart." Well, now I feel like mine is, finally. I feel more at peace than I ever have and I owe it all to Bo, my friends and ME. I'm the one who chose this journey and I think I'm most grateful to ME! I have arrived at a very good place. My own heart.

The 'normal trip' - part two

Yeah so I was lying there in bed crying and thinking about everything that had already happened to me on this trip. I did finally drift off to sleep but I slept fitfully and had a very, ah, interesting dream. I dreamed that I was all alone at The Rutledge, where the fan club Christmas party was to be held, and Bo walked up on the stage and sang 'Valley of Angels'. Now, this is bizarre because I don't really like that song. It's probably one of my least favorite Bo songs. So I have no idea why I'd dream that! My strange little brain.

I woke up with an awful headache, brought on by a lack of food (I'd had about three bites at dinner the night before), rainy weather (my sinuses were exploding) and lack of sleep. But the thing is I can't take meds on an empty stomach; and even after I eat, I have to wait 30 mins. to an hour to drink...only then can I take any meds. Food. Now.

We decided to forego the carb free-for-all at the 'breakfast buffet' in the hotel lobby in favor of a Waffle House practically next door. I was grateful because I really need a lot of protein in my diet and can't just have a stack of waffles or a bowl of cereal for breakfast anymore. The W.H. ham & cheese omelet plus bacon was just what the dr. ordered. I got to talking with an employee at the W.H. and told her why we were all in town. She not only knew who Bo Bice was but said he used to come in there all the time. She said they often get celebrities in there and they put them in the back so people won't disturb them. Awwwww, we ate at Bo's Waffle House! Hee. We all got our orders and took them back to the hotel because well, most people can't fit into a booth at a Waffle House. Bo, yes. But he's a petite little guy! I was starving and ate almost all my omelet, my bacon and a few bites of hash browns.

It was nice to take our time getting ready to go to the party. We arrived at The Rutledge around 1:30 for the 2 p.m. party. There were lots of hugs as everyone lined up outside the door in order of the number on their ticket. They didn't let us in till about 2:20 and I really didn't even feel the wait. There was a time when I came to the conclusion that I'd have to give up going to see Bo simply because I couldn't bear to stand in line or stand up at the shows. No more! We got glimpses of Bo, his very pregnant wife Caroline and Bart as they arrived at the club. Bo looked stunning and I have to tell you, I caught my breath and held it till he was out of sight them let out a WHOOP! Man alive!! It had been a while and though it didn't seem possible, he looked even better than I remembered.

When we finally got inside, we passed a table with items Bo had available for auction (all proceeds to go to charity), the merch table (which I never got around to looking at...damn) and a great little buffet he had catered in for us. We all had lunch and spent a long time visiting with each other, taking pictures and laughing, talking. At this point, these trips/shows are as much about being with each other than they are about seeing Bo. We adore him and treasure every note that comes out of his mouth or passes through his fingertips on the guitar, but we also adore each other. We are family. No other way to say it.

My ticket number was pretty high since I didn't make the decision to go till later on in the game. I ended up in the very back of the venue, up against the back wall. I got my pout on, lemme tell ya. I was really disappointed. Then Saint Bill came back there and said "You really don't think I'm gonna let you sit back here all by yourself, do you?" He somehow made room for me at his table with our good friends Paris and Nancy. I was thrilled to be able to enjoy the performance with them.

I didn't spend a whole lot of time in my seat before Bo came out. I was too busy flitting around from table to table and visiting with my friends! It didn't occur to me until later that I didn't NEED to sit down. This is all really awesome and life-changing. In the past, I've sometimes parked myself and waited for people to wander by. Not this time - I am proactive now. Passivity is SO last year. ;-)

I'd be lying if I didn't say it was nice to hear all the compliments people were giving me! It's gratifying to see people's faces when they first look at me. It totally cracks me up. When I look in the mirror, I don't see that I've changed that much but of course I have - I can see it in pictures. And I don't hear the "WOW!!" stuff a lot because people see me every day. The changes are more subtle. So it's cool to hear that from time to time. It motivates me to continue and reminds me that I've really accomplished something.

Bo Bice can sing. No, he can really sing. My god, the power and emotion in that voice of his just kills me. I've listened to him in many different formats over the past nearly 5 years (5! Years!) and I never get used to it. It's amazing. He could sing the ABCs and, if he wanted to, would have you lying in a pool of mush at the end.

Silent Night (video by Joan):


There was one part during 'Silent Night' when I just closed my eyes and let his voice envelop me and the whole room. Incredible stuff. It was so good to hear him, see him perform again. It nearly moved me to tears. I know, I know...the non-Bo fans think I'm insane. Yeah, well maybe I am. But I wouldn't change a thing! He also sang 'Happy Christmas/War Is Over' and that about did me in! I love John Lennon and that song is a favorite of mine.

After the performance, more visiting ensued as we all waited our turn at the meet & greet. I watched my friend Nancy talking with Bo and it so moved me. Nancy had a stroke earlier this year and we made it a Family Project to get her and the awesome Paris to Nashville for this party. It was so worth it. I'm so thankful that she is ok and watching her talking with Bo was very sweet and emotional. Bo cares about his fans in a way I've never heard of another artist doing. It's something to see.

Now, soooo many people had said to me 'Wait till Bo sees you!' I knew it would be anti-climatic because Bo doesn't have a clue who I am! LOL! He did get to the point where he knew my face, I believe. In fact, he even apologized to me once for not remembering my name. Bo seems to be one of those people who remembers faces but has trouble with names. But he sees a LOT of people. And I hadn't seen him since Aug. of 2008. There is no way he's going to remember me. And that's fine. I'm totally ok with that. He is getting better with some names, though - those who frequent his shows a whole lot and others who have been brought to his attention in some special way. Which is awesome! He gave a shout out to some during the performance and I know it meant the world to them.

So when it was my turn, I walked up to him and pulled out a little gift I'd got for him and his wife. An ornament with his second son's name, Caleb, on it. He oohed and ahhed over it appropriately and gave me a little hug of thanks. I had something all planned out that I wanted to say to him but of course goober'ed out and said something completely stupid instead. He turned me for a picture, I got another little squeeze and that was pretty much it....or so I thought! My friend Deb appeared out of nowhere and said "And that's 150 lbs. less of Cindy there!" He said "Well, you look beautiful." Ahhhh...Bo Bice just told me I looked beautiful. I don't even care if he can't put two and two together and figure out who I am or if that was just a nice-guy response when someone tells you the person in front of you has lost 150 lbs. It felt good to hear! LOL!

Pics of the fleeting moment with the man (thanks Laura for most of these!-click to enlarge):




I got another moment with him later though. As he was leaving, indeed being physically dragged out of there by his security guy, I walked up to him. I said "I had something I wanted to say to you earlier." He looked at me and took my hand. He leaned in close to me and as we're both walking along, my hand still in his, I whispered in his ear "Being your fan has meant so much to me and has changed my life forever. I just wanted you to know that and to thank you. Just...thank you so much."

He pulled me to him for a second (I count this as a hug...LOL) and I felt something brush against my cheek. He said "Bless your heart, thank YOU so much." He went on up the ramp towards the back exit, looked back and said "You change our lives every day." Now. That brush against my cheek? I was sure, POSITIVE, that it was a kiss. But now I think I may have been delusional and maybe it was just his hair. I dunno. It all happened so fast.

But I really wanted to tell him that. I've written before about how I firmly believe that wanting the energy and mobility to go to these shows was the final catalyst that made me have this surgery. I think I owe him a lot for that. And I felt really good after telling him. I know he's heard that before from other fans but I believe he still likes to hear it and never gets tired of it.

After Bo left, we all left! Several of us went to a Mexican place next door to The Rutledge for dinner. The entrance to the restaurant was up a pretty steep hill that would've stopped me cold a year ago. But that night, I looked up and thought "If I'm going to get winded on this trip, this is it. This is where it'll happen." So I walked. And felt nothing. No pain in my knees or back, no pulling for my breath. I was really happy when I got to the top and looked back down. HAH!

Ok, this is turning into a novel. But I really want to record my thoughts on this trip for myself if for no other reason. I hope I'm not boring you guys! We're gonna have a third part.

Next up: Opryland, strangers, lights, trees and horses, OH MY!

The 'normal' trip - part one

On the Bo fan boards, we sometimes post recaps of our time with him and each other. This is kinda my Nashville recap.

SATURDAY:

I mentioned before how I was nervous to get on the plane. Well, imagine that turning to full-blown terror when I saw the tiny little puddle jumper I had to climb onto! But I made it down the aisle without having to turn sideways, so that gave me some hope. My seat was in the very back and I arrived to it first. There were two seats on each side of the plane. So I scooted into my window seat and looked around me a bit. Hm. Ok, so maybe I can wedge myself into this seat, I'm thinking to myself. I try to get my seat belt on but it won't go around me. Still need the extender. But I don't seem to be spilling over into the other seat much. A young, tiny little thing meets my eyes as she's about halfway down the aisle. Ah. This must be my seat companion. Sure is. She smiles weakly at me then sits, scooting as far away from me as she can. She's practically hanging out into the aisle, wanting to speak to the flight attendant. She wants to move. Now. Ok, fine whatever. I kinda shake my head - 'Cin, you've lost 160 lbs., but you're still the fat chick to people who didn't know what you looked like before.' Again, ok. No problemo. The plane's not full. So she moves.

I'm still interested in my surroundings. I put the armrest down. Hey! I put the tray down in front of me. Hey! I turn geek and take pics of the armrest and tray. LMAO! This is a revelation to me. When I get my seat belt extender, I spend a few seconds with the belt on, the tray & armrest all down. I fit in this seat like a normal person (save the belly hangover). Still, if someone my size wanted to sit next to me, we'd be getting pretty familiar. But it's all good.

Proof for super-geekdom (click to enlarge):

Armrest down!

Tray down!

Drinks and corn chips are served. After a bit, the flight attendant goes down the aisle and asks everyone if they'd like some more...everyone except me. Again, this is all stuff I'm used to dealing with and I was actually sort of amused that it happened yet again, even after I've lost so much weight. And again...she just thought I was some fat chick and I didn't need any more freakin' chips. And she WAS correct. I guess it'll keep me from getting a big head, right? LOL!

We were told that we'd have to disembark down some stairs and onto the runway at the Nashville airport. Ohhh man. The last time I had to do that, on a flight from Columbus, OH to Tampa, FL back in 2004, the freakin' staircase MOVED when I stepped on it. I was mortified for a moment that I'd actually break the damn thing. I was really embarrassed. So I was curious to see what would happen this time. I gingerly stepped down onto the first step and it felt solid. I still took the steps one at a time because I was nervous about just bounding down them like everyone else did, but it was fine. No movement, everything cool. I had to do this again coming back to Toronto and did the bounding thing that time. Again, no movement from the stairs. Nice.

When I got to Nashville, my flight was listed as landing much later than it actually did, so my friends weren't ready for me. I literally walked past them then around and right up to them before they noticed me. We all had a laugh and hugs all around. It was good to see everyone.

My mobility now has totally changed my life. For the first time that I can remember, I didn't need to sit in the front seat of a vehicle and gladly climbed in the back of both my friend Laura's car and the rental van we picked up later on that day. We went shopping at Target and I wandered around not even thinking about how much I was walking. Nothing hurts. Nothing aches. I don't get winded and I'm not sweating like a whore in church anymore.

After picking up the rental van and our friends Paris and Nancy from the airport, we all decided to take a nap. Another first - I wasn't worried about being embarrassed because of my sleep apnea-induced snoring. I fell asleep instead of fighting it like I normally would. Woke up FREEZING to death. Again, not normal. LOL! We cranked up the heat in our room. When I was packing for this trip, I considered taking one of my battery-operated fans before I realized that I don't get hot like I used to and probably wouldn't need it. I have a plethora of little fans all over the place that I don't need anymore.

Saturday night, we headed downtown for dinner and to take in a show at BB Kings - Bo's guitar player, Bart Walker, was playing in the house band there. We had dinner at Pearl and they gave us our own little private room. There were over 30 of us there, someone said. It was so good to see everyone and get some long-overdue hugs and love. My friend Bill made me cry when I first arrived, as I knew he would. I love that guy to death and can't imagine why some lucky woman hasn't snapped him up. My friend Susan forced the waterworks to continue. Susan has lost a lot of weight herself and we were just so happy we could hug, get our arms around each other! *whew* It was going to be an emotional weekend!

I sat at the back of the room along the wall, facing the entryway. There was a small aisle to walk down and I didn't think anything about it then, but when the room started to fill up and, after dinner when I needed to go to the bathroom, my first thought was 'I can't get down that aisle. I'm screwed.' But I really needed to get to the bathroom. My food wasn't going down well at all and I had to get out of there. So I attempted it and made my way down that narrow aisle pretty well. Susan stopped me and said 'Look at you, you never would've been able to do that before.' She was very right.

After dinner we made our way to BB Kings just down the street. I'm very aware of being 'in the way'. I'm used to taking up a lot of space and it being an inconvenience to everyone around me. I hate just standing around someplace crowded. It bothers me a lot because I think I'm in the way. I've had a lot of rude comments thrown at me in crowds so I'm gun shy. I want to get to a seat and get out of the way. It's just the way I think. Well, BB Kings was totally packed. I was like 'Oh shit.' Not comfortable. But eventually we did get a table and I started enjoying the show. The band was great, Bart was awesome and we got invaded by about 50 R- and NC-17-rated Santa Clauses. LOL! It was pretty fun.

I had talked on Bo's message board about 'letting my freak flag fly' at BB Kings. Well, Susan took me seriously and got me up to dance. I haven't been on a dance floor since....high school? Maybe a few times in my 20s but mostly to slow dance if at all. I was at a high school dance once and some boys started laughing their asses off at me. So that pretty much stopped that shit cold right there. It wasn't my high school and those guys didn't know me (that never would've happened at my school), but still. Stuff like that stays with you, unfortunately. But Susan and I took to the floor and got our groove on. I've been told there are pics and video of it but I haven't seen them yet, thank god. LOL!

I have tried really hard in my life to never put myself in situations where I might be ridiculed; where I would be hurt or uncomfortable. I protect myself fiercely in that way and have put a lot of energy into it. Years ago, I would sit at a bar and watch people laughing and pointing at other 'heavier' girls letting it all hang out and I would shake my head. I admired them for not seeming to care or notice that they were the focus of the joke but I couldn't imagine subjecting myself to that. I let some of that go Saturday night and lemme tell you, walking out there on that dance floor wasn't easy. But I did it and I feel all the better for it. So thank you Susan, for coming back to my table and forcing me to let my freak flag fly!

After I got back to my hotel and we'd all went to bed, I found myself crying and couldn't stop. Everything that I'd been through that day sort of fell on my head, through my heart and up out of my eyes, I guess. So many things that people take for granted. I was so grateful that I'd decided to cast reason aside and come on this trip so I could experience all this. It was important for me to go through it, I think. To realize that I can do all this stuff and be happy, normal. I lay there thinking about the party the next day and seeing Bo again - it sure would be good to have a decent picture of him and me!

Next up: SUNDAY and party time!

Follow Your Dreams

It is sometimes wiser to follow the dreams of your heart than the logic of your mind. - Liesl Vasquez

This is a quote in a little book my good friend Jacci gave me last weekend. The book is called "Follow Your Dreams" and is chock full of inspiration. The line above gave me particular pause for its succinct and dead-on delivery of what I feel like I've been doing this past year. For most of my life, the 'logic of my mind' has told me I can't lose this weight, I can't move, I can't do this or that, on and on. I grew to accept that I wouldn't ever be able to do the things a 'normal' person can. I had it so entrenched in my psyche that I sometimes still forget what my new body will allow me to do. My brain has not caught up with my body and that will certainly take some time, I understand that.

The most faraway dream of my heart has always been to be at a healthy, normal weight. I am someone who hit 200 lbs. in 6th grade; I don't have any real experience being at a normal body size. As I got bigger and bigger, that dream just seemed that much more impossible to achieve. Losing 50 pounds seems do-able; 244 just makes you want to go have another brownie.

It took a lot for me to finally make the wise decision to have this surgery and save my own life. Wise for ME, anyway. Everyone has to make their own choices about this sort of thing and I know surgery was the right one for me. But I will advise anyone who asks me, anyone who's reading this now: Don't let anyone talk you into or out of anything. Do the research, weigh (pardon the pun) the pros and cons with regard to how it will relate to YOUR life, and make the decision on your own. It's not the easy way out and there are risks involved here.

But following the dreams of our hearts, despite what our logical mind tells us is unreachable, makes sense when you realize that most great accomplishments begin with someone laughing to themselves, saying 'There's no way. It can't be done.' Ah, but it CAN. It happens every day. Logic has no place in dreams. I'm going to try and remember that.

I went to Nashville last weekend to be with some wonderful friends and my 'imaginary rock star boyfriend' as a lot of us refer to Bo Bice. ;-) It was a huge, thrilling adventure from the moment I stepped on that tiny plane and managed to wedge myself into one seat - armrests and tray down, thank you very much (still needed the seat belt extender though; my stomach will be there till some fabulous surgeon removes it one day). There is a lot to say about the trip. A whole lot of firsts and 'a-ha!' moments that brought me to tears more than once as I realized that I have my life now. I really have my life. I am still getting settled after coming home but I intend to write a helluva blog this weekend! It's been too long since my last entry. I have been very busy with holiday & Nashville-trip preparations.

And I finally got that updated pic with Bo (click to enlarge):

I stepped on the scale today worrying that I'd gained weight on my trip to find that I have lost 6 lbs. since Friday. I'm not sure why! I did do quite a bit of walking, but not too terribly much. But I'll take it. Current weight: 279. Total lost: 165.