Attitude

This past week was better in terms of my mental state than the week before. It showed on the scale because I lost 5 pounds for a total of 30. I need to lose 10 more before April 24. Cross your fingers, folks. I've had some good and bad weeks so nothing is guaranteed.

I've been letting myself have one "cheat day" a week the past few weeks. Always on the weekend, because that's the hardest time for me. I can stay in a routine during the workweek, but it's tougher on weekends. I will eat something I "used to eat", but just smaller or healthier portions. Like the pizza I got last week when I finally caved - thin crust, easy on cheese, chicken breast & turkey bacon whereas before it would've been extra cheese, thick crust, loaded with fatty meat. I'm not sure about this though. After the surgery, I won't even be able to have a stray 'cheat day' here and there. We'll see how it progresses.

My hero Ruby Gettinger was on Oprah last week visiting an obesity rehab center in New York. She spoke about how food is an addiction and we need to treat it as such. I thought this was timely for me, considering my most recent blog. The night before her appearance, she sent out a bulk message on Facebook letting her fans know and ended it with this quote: "You conquer when you learn to hang on one minute longer." Yep. Words of wisdom to be sure.

Attitude is very important - she also spoke about how grateful she was. Grateful that she never had a heart attack, could always get around and go places even when she was 700 lbs., etc. I feel much the same way. Though I do have some health problems, this body of mine still carries me around and works for me despite the abuse I have heaped upon it. I have to be indebted to it for its strength and patience with me as I've floundered through life not paying any attention to it.

Oprah expressed surprise when Ruby said she always went out with friends and lived her life, even at her highest weight. I've been the same - it never occurred to me not to leave the house for self-pitying reasons or fear of ridicule. Oh, I've had my fair share of ridicule - stares, pointing, snickers - but it doesn't stop me from living. If I want to go to a rock concert, where I know my ass will most likely not fit in the damn seat, I'll go anyway. I usually sit down on the edge, jokingly apologize to the person next to me and enjoy the show. Only once (at a Bo show in Berea, Ohio) have I experienced someone kinda flipping out and refusing to sit next to me. Screw 'em! I have just as much right to be there as they do. If I want to get on a plane, well, yeah....I have to buy 2 seats. But I do, and I go, despite the stares of people when I board and that 'Oh-god-please-don't-let-her-sit-next-to-me' panic flashes in their eyes.

Hint: Fly Southwest. They have a policy whereby they will refund a second-seat purchase if the flight isn't sold out. Awesome!

No, I need to be grateful for the life I've had. And before it gets to the point where I need assistance in walking across the floor, I have to do THIS so I never find TLC knocking at my door wanting to do a special on the shut-in. No, never, not me.

When I went to see Dr. Genaw, he asked me what I do all day. Um...work? His response was "Good for you." He seemed shocked that I had a full-time job! So many people my size with my health problems are on disability, I suppose he was surprised. Hell yes I work. I work, I play, I love...I create and I LIVE. There are lots of things that will be easier for me, physically, after I lose all this weight. But right now I still do what I can. I'm starting to see that might give me a leg up on some other people who are as big as me.

Attitude is everything and I guess I already have the right one. Or at least the building blocks of it! Sure I get down and negative sometimes (see last blog..LOL) but as far as me actually living my life...I'm already there. That has to be a good thing.

One day at a time

I haven't done a blog in a while and it's because I'm feeling...strange.

I have been wrestling with cravings recently. Pizza. MY KINGDOM FOR A PIZZA! It's kinda been making me crazy. Which in and of itself is crazy. My heroin is food. I came to realize that a long time ago. There's nothing I can do about it but deal. I've been doing very well in the beginning but I can feel myself starting to freak out.

I've been under a lot of stress lately. Not only am I going through this whole weight-loss/surgery thing, but there are a lot of other personal things I'm dealing with. Basically, I'm going through a lot of shit. Now, my usual stress reliever would be to go see Bo and my fellow groupie friends. But we can't. So here I sit. I thought I was handling everything pretty well, but Friday night - well - I had a little meltdown.

Conversation in the kitchen (ironically enough) with Erich. He's in italics:

I'm afraid I can't do this.
You can. You are.
What if I can't?
You can.
I don't want to die.
You won't.
I have to do this.
It'll be ok, baby. You can do this.
What if I can't?
You can.
I don't know if I have the strength.
You do.
This is something I've tried and failed at over and over my whole life. It's terrifying. I feel like if I don't succeed this time, this is it. It's over.
You'll be fine. You can do this.
You don't know what it's like to feel this way. I wish I was addicted to crack. There are no crack commercials on tv. I don't have to have just a little bit of crack to survive. There isn't good crack or bad crack...you just stay away from it and it's fine. I can't stay away from this. Crack isn't available everywhere you turn and you have to pass up the bad crack and have the strength to reach out for the good. I don't know if I can do this as long as it'll take.

I cried. He held me and told me he loved me. It did help, but ultimately this is my fight and that scares the shit outta me. It also pisses me off that something has this kind of control over me. I have always prided myself on my independence from influence. I don't follow the crowd; I tend to push through it and do whatever the hell I want to do. Nobody tells me what to do or think. I'm food's bitch though and that just sucks.

I gotta get a grip.

I'm better today. Edward Cullen helped. I know I'm stronger, physically, than I was a month ago. The mental part is much tougher. Erich, as always, had words of wisdom that were spot-on:

You worry too much about the end result. Just take it one day at a time. If you get through one day then you've won. Don't worry about next month or next year.

My husband is very wise. I pointed out that they tell the same thing to alcoholics. It does fit, however. This "impossible goal" is manageable one day at a time. One. I'm working on that angle.

I only lost one pound last week. But I guess that's better than nothing, right? 25 pounds down, 15 to go before April 24 and my next date with Dr. Genaw. One day at a time.

The Scale

Thanks again for all your wonderful comments, those left here and on My Space, Facebook and through simple emails. The support means the world to me and helps keep me going!

As I got on the scale Friday morning for my weigh-in, I realized I have a very different relationship with that thing these days. Women, especially, are often depicted in cartoons or on tv as having a very tempestuous relationship with the seemingly innocuous bathroom scale. It is "supposed" to elicit feelings of fear, hatred, dread and failure. This is drilled into our heads by popular culture from the day we are old enough to understand it (younger and younger as the generations pass).

Let's take another look at that. For many years I didn't even own a scale simply because the ones that will weigh me aren't found in your everyday Walmart or Target; and I never had hundreds of dollars to spend on finding out just how big I really was. I still don't really know my heaviest weight, which peaked around 4 or 5 years ago. I know it was scary, because I know what I weigh now. I recently went back through the family portraits Erich and I always had taken around Christmastime each year and wow - it was an eye opener. And if you're wondering - I haven't decided yet when to share that number. It's still a source of shame to me, that I let things get this out of control. But someday, I hope it will be a measuring stick as to how far I've come and I'll be proud to share it with the world.

Ebay is a wonderful thing and my husband found a very reasonably priced scale for those of us who don't fit into the normal mold of "this is the biggest anyone ever gets so this is as high as we make the numbers on the scales go". It's the same one Ruby Gettinger has! LOL! Whenever I see her climb onto hers, I always know exactly what's going through her mind: How much have I lost this week? And if it isn't as much as it should be, how can I change it?

That's the big shift in my thinking. I'm not afraid of the thing anymore, I don't dread getting on it. In fact, I look forward to it. It lets me know in black and white how I'm progressing. Or not progressing. There's usually a reason if it doesn't move the way I want it to and I can learn something from that. I am sometimes surprised (8 pounds in one week?? Gaining 1??) but I always try to go back through my food diary and figure out what I did wrong or right. Sometimes there's no good explanation, but I'm learning to live with that. The scale is still there to help me in this journey and I appreciate its objectivity and cold, hard truth. I need that; we all do.

By the way, if you haven't heard - I lost 4 more pounds last week! Here's what the scale has to say:

Start date: Feb. 10
Weigh-in March 13: 4 lbs. lost
Total lbs. lost: 24
Weeks till appt. with surgeon: 6

I love that scale. Even when it told me I gained a pound. LOL!

My pants are longer

The past couple of days have been a little odd. I'm feeling off-kilter; I think it's about to be that time of the month and I've been struggling with cravings - especially over the weekend. I've been trying to exercise more to offset the extra calories. Not like I'm eating a whole lot, but I just worry about it.

But something GOOD to come about lately is I think I'm starting to notice a change in my body. It seems to have happened all at once. Even other people seem to be picking up on it - I've had 4 people at work ask me about my weight loss. One of my co-workers put it this way: "Cindy, how much have you lost, anyway? I can tell you're losing just by the way you walk around." She means that I, uh, CAN walk around. Walk - instead of waddle, hobble, whatever. Yes! I can walk around better. It's a small thing, but I have noticed it. I no longer dread getting out of my chair to go ask someone a question in another department or get something off the printer. I'm up and down much easier these days.

And my pants are longer.

I noticed this on Monday when I got dressed. When I pulled the pant legs on, I had to inch them up past my feet more than usual - they were nearly dragging the floor. I know from experience that means they're looser. So that's a good thing.

I don't know if any of you saw Ruby Gettinger on Oprah this past Monday. She is the star of a reality show called "Ruby" on the Style Network in the U.S. and on E! in Canada. She once weighed over 700 pounds and is now down to almost 350. Can we talk about an inspiration? I first saw a full-page ad for her show in People magazine last summer and was immediately drawn to this woman whose body looked so much like mine. You don't see that much in national magazines. I had to wait a few months for it to premiere in Canada, but I've seen every episode and won't let Erich take them off the pvr! I adore her. She is me. It's touching, hysterical and sad all at the same time. 90% of the things she goes through or talks about, I can relate to. You can check her out here: http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/ruby/index.jsp or see the links at the bottom of the page.

Milestone #1

I got on the scale yesterday morning and I am very happy to announce that I have now lost a total of 20 pounds!

I'm thinking this calls for a happy dance of sorts.



That always makes me laugh and get in a good mood! Ah yes, I'm a teenager of the '80s and I worshipped at the altar of Molly Ringwald. Respect, yo.

I consider this a milestone since it's been ages that I actually tracked my weight loss and could say, out loud, "I've lost 20 pounds." Several years ago when I was first diagnosed with diabetes, I lost quite a bit of weight but I have no idea how much. I just know that people noticed and I could tell my clothes were looser. So I figure it was about 50 pounds. Then I went back to work, got all stressed out and gained it back, pronto. Right now, losing only 20, I can't tell in a physical-appearance way at all. And there is no one coming up to me asking "Have you lost weight?" It takes a bit of time for that to come when you're as heavy as me. But it's all good. I feel better and more energetic.

I gotta tell ya, I have discovered broccoli crowns and steam bags. OMG! I love broccoli and the crown part is the only part worth eating anyway, in my opinion! I buy those, fresh, cut them up and put them in those new vegetable steaming bags. Five minutes and completely delish. I need quick. I'm not one to follow some long drawn-out recipe. I ain't spending an hour in the kitchen, especially on a weeknight. I can cook, but I don't really like to. It's a chore, like laundry or anything else. So those bags are genius to me.

Yogurt, fruit, skinless chicken breast, fat-free turkey and low-sodium soup has replaced double bacon cheeseburgers, pizza, fries loaded with bacon and Velveeta, breaded and deep-fried...pretty much everything. How can I go wrong, dude? I find myself getting restless, wanting to move around more. If I sit too long I get jumpy. So I walk, swim, do chores or whatever. I'm still online more than I probably should be, but I can feel a shift. It's hard to explain but I told Erich the other day that "something is clicking". And it only took 39 years. I don't know what the future holds but I can't help feeling pretty damn good about the present.

Mystery Solved?

Most of you reading know, by now, my lack of affinity for raw vegetables. I had a friend ask me once, "Didn't your mother make you eat your veggies when you were little?" Hm. I thought about that for a second and replied, "No, I guess not." I know I didn't remember eating them. Mom was a great cook and had dinner on the table every night (after working at a physically difficult job all day long) but we ate meat & potatoes - maybe green beans or corn on the side. Not many salads hit our kitchen table.

So the other night, I'm talking to my mom on the phone and I asked her about this. "Did you ever try to get me to eat raw vegetables when I was a kid?" She said "NO! Your stomach wouldn't let you eat it; you had colitis and would moan and groan and roll in pain every time you ate something like that. We could see your stomach knot up in cramps. Lettuce was the worst! No, I actively kept you away from that stuff."

AHA!! Light-bulb moment! Now, I must say that I'm odd in that I don't remember a lot from my early childhood. I have no idea why that is, but it's true. I knew I had colitis, especially as a baby. I supposedly cried from birth to approximately 9 months of age. Almost non-stop. I'm surprised they let me live till my first birthday. I guess I thought it subsided when I hit toddlerhood, but evidently not. Citrus fruits, tomatoes, lettuce, any kind of roughage - put me in severe pain. I guess even my doctor suggested that I "had a good disease - just don't eat what causes the symptoms."

So I didn't. And I guess I never developed a taste for it because I got into the habit of not eating it because it would make me sick. I was allergic to strawberries till I was a teenager, too. I did learn to like the fruits that were a problem, but they're sweet so I guess that's what made it easier.

I need to work harder at trying new veggies, though. Erich suggested maybe yogurt dips instead of the mayonnaise-y ones. (I think mayonnaise is evil.) So next trip to the grocery store, I'm going to again try cut-up veggies with a nonfat, sugar-free, yogurt-based dip.

I appreciate all your suggestions about veggie recipes and stuff. Keep it coming! And again, thanks for reading!

Progress

First off, I'm down 8 pounds since Tuesday! I was stunned, seriously. That makes a total of 16.2 (and the point 2 is important) pounds since I started on Feb. 9. I'm really proud of myself and fairly surprised that I seem to be doing this. I've felt so defeated for so long when it comes to my weight. When you fail over and over at something your whole life, it's hard to rationalize the effort to start over. Especially when you have so much to lose; it just seems like an impossible goal to achieve.

When I went up a pound last week, I never would've imagined going down 8 this week. But if there's one thing I have learned in my life of dieting, it's that weight loss is a roller coaster ride and you just sorta have to keep on putting one foot in front of the other and do your thing.

I've been using Sparkpeople to keep a food diary and weight-loss tracker. I really can't say enough good things about the site. You simply input your goal (for me, it was to lose 40 pounds by my next dr. appointment in Detroit, April 24) and it tells you exactly how much you need to eat every day to meet it. There are message boards, groups you can join with members who have like-minded goals, exercise videos, etc. All for FREE. My nutritionist at Henry Ford kept repeating that: "Did I mention it was free?" It's a pretty cool place. You have your own profile page like on My Space or Facebook and you can post blogs there, too. Here's a screenshot of my food diary for this past Thursday:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v74/Cindi94/Misc/diary.jpg

I recently revamped my goal and now I have more calories to eat - before it was 1,700-2,000, so that's why it seems like I didn't eat near the calories I was supposed to. And that was a bad veggie day for me, I know. See how it keeps track of water intake, calories, carbs, fat and protein? Then you just do a search for the food you ate and click to put it in your diary. If it's not there, you can input it yourself and other members can access it for their use later. This was a real eye opener for me and really puts things into perspective. Not only does it keep me on track by showing me, in black & white, the value of everything I put into my mouth, but it also lets me know that I can eat maybe more than I thought or maybe things I didn't think I could. As long as I meet those guidelines every day, I can have whatever. I do try to keep track of sodium, too, and it allows that and does it for me in separate area. I've also noticed that snacking isn't evil and if I can spread out those calories as much as possible, then I'm not hungry - ever. It's a good thing.

So check out Sparkpeople if you're so inclined. I think it's been the best tool for me so far. And to think I was dreading keeping a food diary! This is better for me because it totally breaks things down. Plus I can type and not write. I've become very lazy about handwriting, as I think a lot of people are.

Gearing up for another week! Thanks everyone again for reading!