I haven't done a blog in a while and it's because I'm feeling...strange.
I have been wrestling with cravings recently. Pizza. MY KINGDOM FOR A PIZZA! It's kinda been making me crazy. Which in and of itself is crazy. My heroin is food. I came to realize that a long time ago. There's nothing I can do about it but deal. I've been doing very well in the beginning but I can feel myself starting to freak out.
I've been under a lot of stress lately. Not only am I going through this whole weight-loss/surgery thing, but there are a lot of other personal things I'm dealing with. Basically, I'm going through a lot of shit. Now, my usual stress reliever would be to go see Bo and my fellow groupie friends. But we can't. So here I sit. I thought I was handling everything pretty well, but Friday night - well - I had a little meltdown.
Conversation in the kitchen (ironically enough) with Erich. He's in italics:
I'm afraid I can't do this.
You can. You are.
What if I can't?
You can.
I don't want to die.
You won't.
I have to do this.
It'll be ok, baby. You can do this.
What if I can't?
You can.
I don't know if I have the strength.
You do.
This is something I've tried and failed at over and over my whole life. It's terrifying. I feel like if I don't succeed this time, this is it. It's over.
You'll be fine. You can do this.
You don't know what it's like to feel this way. I wish I was addicted to crack. There are no crack commercials on tv. I don't have to have just a little bit of crack to survive. There isn't good crack or bad crack...you just stay away from it and it's fine. I can't stay away from this. Crack isn't available everywhere you turn and you have to pass up the bad crack and have the strength to reach out for the good. I don't know if I can do this as long as it'll take.
I cried. He held me and told me he loved me. It did help, but ultimately this is my fight and that scares the shit outta me. It also pisses me off that something has this kind of control over me. I have always prided myself on my independence from influence. I don't follow the crowd; I tend to push through it and do whatever the hell I want to do. Nobody tells me what to do or think. I'm food's bitch though and that just sucks.
I gotta get a grip.
I'm better today. Edward Cullen helped. I know I'm stronger, physically, than I was a month ago. The mental part is much tougher. Erich, as always, had words of wisdom that were spot-on:
You worry too much about the end result. Just take it one day at a time. If you get through one day then you've won. Don't worry about next month or next year.
My husband is very wise. I pointed out that they tell the same thing to alcoholics. It does fit, however. This "impossible goal" is manageable one day at a time. One. I'm working on that angle.
I only lost one pound last week. But I guess that's better than nothing, right? 25 pounds down, 15 to go before April 24 and my next date with Dr. Genaw. One day at a time.
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(((Cindy))) You are very lucky to have a supportive husband. Yes, It's hard and it does suck but he is right, YOU CAN DO IT and you ARE doing it!
ReplyDeleteNot everyone will agree with me but over the years I have realized that if I really wanted (craved) something, then the best thing to do was have it. I'm not saying to sit down and eat a whole pizza, but have hubby buy you one slice. Sit down. Put it on a plate. Enjoy it. One slice will NOT kill your diet but it will make you feel a bit more "normal". I hate feeling like I'm being punished when I'm on a diet. It's supposed to be a life change, not a life sentence. Portion control is what we all have to learn, not an easy task but once we get the hang of it we can start enjoying every and any food we want.
Hang in there and know there are alot of people routing for you.
Hugs
Cindy (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) I know how hard this is for you. Addiction IS addiction, it doesn't matter what it is, the suffering is the same. Unfortunately, with food, it IS different because you can't just not eat! That's what sucks about it. It's the only addiction I can think of where you just can't stop altogether or you'll die. So it's gotta feel like your damned if you do and your damned if you don't. Shitty place to be. But you are strong. Erich is ALWAYS spot on with his thoughts. One day at a time. One hour at a time.. one minute at a time if necessary. You can't look at the whole picture, it's much too overwhelming. You have to break it down into baby goals, ones that you can achieve relatively quickly. And Diane is right. You can't not ever eat pizza. That's never gonna work. You just have to set your mind to only having it maybe once a month and only have two or three pieces.. that's it. Don't deprive yourself or you will end up undermining yourself in the long run. You want a cookie, eat a cookie, just don't eat the bag of cookies, ya know? I know you can do this, and one pound down is awesome.. it's way better than one pound up, so kudos girl.. you ARE doing it!
ReplyDeleteA few years ago, if asked what would be tougher for me: losing weight or quitting smoking, I thought I would never quit smoking. But for some reason I managed to do that easily and yet losing weight has been a horrible battle. You hit the nail on the head, with cigarettes you either do or don't, there's no in between. With food, we HAVE to eat.
ReplyDeleteCindy, 25 freakin' pounds girl...I'm truly in awe. That is so amazing to me. My weight just keeps bouncing up and down, mostly up.
I wish we did live closer, we could really be a support for each other.
Thanks for sharing your tough times along with the good times with us. Luv ya!
Cindy, you are doing great and are so blessed to have Erich who loves and supports you. Losing weight is the hardest thing in the world to do. Like you said, you have to eat a little to stay alive. That is what I've always struggled with. I cannot tell you how many times in my life people have told me "just quit eating". And harder still is the fact that our weakness is there for the entire world to see. I know how you feel and I understand your frustration. I'm very proud of you for your 25 pound loss; that is quite an accomplishment! You are very brave to share your thoughts and feelings with the world. Hang in there and know that I support you 125%! Love ya.
ReplyDeleteCindy, the girls who came before me said it all. You are an inspiration. Erich is wise. We are blessed to have you as a friend. You are strong, and you WILL do this. I have no doubts.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
Hang in there girl (((HUGS)) I know this is tough, but the hard times will pass. What a rock Erich is. Lean on him all you can and LISTEN to him!!
ReplyDeleteKeep it up!!
My heart is overflowing with the support you guys give me. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
ReplyDeleteI did end up eating pizza this weekend. LOL! I just said 'I'm not gonna be happy till I do'. So we ordered one medium (instead of 2 x-lg.) with chicken breast and turkey bacon (instead of loaded with greasy meat) and I told them to go easy on the cheese. I ate 3 pieces (instead of 5 or 6 of the x-lg.) and I'm allll better now. The leftovers are still in the fridge - unheard of in my past life. :) I know portion control and balance is the key. Knowing it intellectually and implementing it practically are often two different things. But I think I did ok.
I just know that after I have the surgery, it'll be a lot more than a month before I can even think of having even a little bit of the stuff I love. I get overwhelmed by that sometimes. Part of this pre-op weight loss is getting your body used to a post-op lifestyle. It scares me that I might totally flip out. But I guess I just need to take it one day at a time.
Cindy, I just love you!
ReplyDeleteRhonda
Good for you Cin! I was at Paris's house over the weekend and we both agreed that you should have what you crave, but limit the portion size. You're doing great! And I gotta admit... seeing the link below to Bo's site, and your reason for putting it there, made me smile.
ReplyDeleteI'm behind reading, but your comments about how the food addiction is "different" than alcohol or drugs is different (you gotta eat something) are right on!! You've come a long way in a short time really!! Keep on keepin' on!! You can do this!!
ReplyDeleteCindy, even if you "fall" off the diet for one day or one week, don't think that means you have failed and have to quit. We're all human. A little setback doesn't mean you should give it all up. I think writing about it helps too. Hang in there and don't beat yourself up!
ReplyDeleteI so admire you!
ReplyDelete"I'm food's bitch" ... Damn, that's a good line!
ReplyDelete