On clothes making the woman

I have sold about 90% of my leftover wardrobe in the last few days. I've already donated tons of stuff to a local thrift store, but this last big batch of excess 'stuff', I decided to sell. I need money to buy new clothes for myself, a good friend reasoned, so sell some stuff to finance a new look.

Now I've already donated probably 5 or 6 big garbage bags full of clothes over the last 6 to 9 months. And I did that freely, no reservations. But this time it was different. Maybe because I know these clothes are truly the last symbol of the old me. They are the last big batch of the super-sized clothes to go and the shedding of all these bags and boxes, in some ways, represents just more weight to melt away.

It's liberating to rid yourself of the past but it's also really scary in some ways. My clothes hold a lot of meaning for me. I searched high and low to find things I liked and would fit me. I paid a lot of money for them - a whole lot more than the average-sized person would. Some things were custom-made for me with a lot of love, care, and attention paid to detail.

There's also the thought of 'What if I need them again?' I mean, really. I've never in my life lost weight and not have it all come back, plus more. Most of the time there's a lot of positive thinking in my head but I wouldn't be human if I didn't think about the horrifying possibility of failing at this thing once again. Oprah Winfrey once said that she was so angry because she couldn't believe, after all her accomplishments, that the weight was just something that she couldn't conquer. And I've said before that I was food's bitch. I am very smart and independent but food could make me do whatever it wanted. I was powerless to it. It's worse than any kind of street drug you can imagine because here's the thing: You have to eat. You can quit drinking alcohol, you can stop shooting heroin and never have to touch them again, but food is different.

I found myself thinking that way several times in the past week or so since I put those clothes up for auction. And every time, I've had to dig deep within this well of certainty that is within me, somewhere, to keep reminding myself that there is no turning back. No more fat clothes. No more excuses. I've been given the golden opportunity of a lifetime with this tool and I will not fail. It's scary, scary stuff.

I type that as I sit here sobbing. LOL! But it's ok. No more fat clothes. I'm surprised by how emotional this all makes me.

So my wardrobe is gone. My closet has never looked so empty! I still have 47 pounds to go so I can't go crazy but I do need some summer stuff. And shoes. My shoes are too big, too.

The woman who came by the house last night to pick up my wardrobe was like looking in a mirror. I could see myself in her and I felt for her. She doesn't drive and her husband doesn't like shopping so she is desperate for clothes. They also don't have Internet so she can't shop online; her sister saw my ad and brought it to her attention. Oh my! I wanted to help her - I searched high and low for more clothes for her before she arrived and she ended up leaving with my old bathing suit (the one that helped me lose the first 100 pounds in the pool), my old winter coat (which got me through some tough Canada winters...and one day in D.C. where I thought I was going to freeze my fat ass off) and a few other things. She was thrilled and I was happy to be able to help her.

While she and her husband were here, I was reminded once again of the huge changes in my health since losing weight. They parked across the street but by the time they rang our doorbell, she was out of breath. Gasping, literally. After they came in, we all stood around for a few minutes talking and I was showing her some of the other stuff I'd decided to sell. Then I noticed she was sweating and fidgeting. DING!!! 'Do you want to sit down?' I asked her and she gratefully plopped down on my sofa. I was ashamed of myself for making her stand for a few minutes. I know what that's like! I remember vividly! But it's so weird how quickly you forget about it when YOU'RE ok.

I went to a support group meeting for bariatric patients once and the lady who ran the group, Sharon, was at her goal weight. After the meeting, she and I stood around talking for a few minutes. I was still very heavy then, close to 400 pounds. I desperately wanted to sit down but was trying to stand there a few more minutes. I was sweaty and beginning to fidget back and forth, trying to ease the pressure on my back. Finally, she looked at me and said 'You need to sit down, don't you?' She said she used to be the same way and apologized for not offering me a seat sooner.

Last night, I was Sharon. Talk about a full circle moment.

No going back. It's ok to get rid of the clothes and the emotional baggage that goes with it. Lost one pound this week - current weight 241.