Find your Health Hero

You are stronger than you think. This has been my motto on my journey to better health for over five years now. In my moments of self-perceived weakness, I found strength in myself.

When I decided to have RNY gastric bypass surgery in 2009, I didn't join a support group. Indeed, I didn't know there were any to join; there may not have been any at the time in this area. I made my own phone calls, researched the protocol to get the surgery approved out of Canada since I'd already been turned away from a local clinic, and figured it out. My family doctor had no idea what to do and had very little knowledge of the surgery or how to care for me during or after the process. I had to lead her through it as well. I was her test case and after my success, she has gone on to recommend the surgery for other patients.

Maybe I was naive, but I didn't do much surfing around online or anything...not for support, at least. Honestly, I didn't know about any of that stuff. And when I did discover a few online forums I was turned off pretty quickly. Post one random thought or question and you'll get 10 different responses ranging from gratitude and interest to sneering and eye rolling. I didn't, and don't, need the drama. Henry Ford Hospital in Detroit, where I had my procedure, gave me a huge blue binder full of information and I read it voraciously. Again, maybe not too smart of me, but that was about it. I knew what I had to do to be successful and just did it.

Here's my favorite "before" photo. Christmas, 2008 (click to enlarge).


So when people ask me who my mentor is/was, who is my Health Hero, it's surprisingly difficult. After thinking about it for a while, I think it's me! Is that a weird answer? Let me explain.

Were there people I looked up to on this journey? Sure! I never missed an episode of The Biggest Loser or Ruby. But I had to make adjustments for my personal journey, as would anyone else. I tried to ignore it when, as a pre-op, I watched Allison Sweeney roll her eyes and shake her head at the mention of gastric bypass surgery. For me, there was more interest in someone my exact weight (444 pounds) shrinking more and more every week, doing things I didn't think I could. But hey, I was stronger than I thought; I could to that, too. I laughed as Ruby Gettinger smashed her talking scale with a sledgehammer - the exact same scale I had, purchased because it weighed up to 600 pounds - and it said "HELLO...I'M READY" after she thought she destroyed it. OMG, the thing was still alive! As is our quest for health. You can't kill it. Just when you think you're done, you're not. There were many teachable moments on television.

About three weeks after my surgery I found out about a local support group and went to my first meeting. It was at someone's house and there were two people there. It was kind of awkward and a little strange. I understand it was the middle of summer and people are busy, but I dunno. I just never went back. Again, probably not smart on my part. The best thing to come out of that meeting was I was told about The World According to Eggface, which is a wonderful resource for weight loss surgery patients. I still follow Shelly to this day, and she led me to Beth, a.k.a. Melting Mama. These two ladies are definitely worth a look if you're going through the process.

Here's a photo from around that time, August 2009 (click to enlarge):


It must be said that I, like a lot of morbidly obese or super morbidly obese folks, have an issue with meeting new people. Even in a setting where those around me are ostensibly like me, I fear being judged. For my appearance, for my choices, etc. I find myself to be oddly quiet in group settings when I'm definitely not that way normally. I'm a very opinionated, sarcastic and strangely funny person. But I clam up if I don't know you well because I fear saying or doing the wrong thing and seeming foolish. Even five years post-op, this is still somewhat true.

So I chugged along on my own for another three years until Melting Mama's Facebook page led me to a different local support group. This time I went and was much more comfortable. Maybe it was the atmosphere - a mall food court - or maybe it was just that I was ready to mingle, at a different point in my weight loss where I was open to sharing. I had lost 250 pounds by that point and certainly felt better about myself. This blog gave me confidence that I could share with others and also learn a few things myself! I love these people but they're not necessarily my Health Heroes. They inspire me with their determination, failure and forgiveness.

Here's me in September 2012, around the time I found my present support group (click to enlarge). I am getting ready to compete in my first 10K here:


But still, ultimately, it's up to me.

I'm the one who has to reach down inside myself and find a reason to continue. To have scrambled eggs and Greek yogurt for breakfast instead of pancakes & bacon. To go to the gym instead of cuddling up on the sofa with my husband. To set goals, like the half marathon I completed last spring, which force me to take care of myself and treat myself with respect. One of the most difficult lessons to learn is that WE ARE WORTH THE EFFORT. It's so easy to sit back and do nothing. Heroes rise to the occasion and put forth the effort to do what's right. And we all have that inside us.

Give thanks to those who have inspired you in some way, but also give credit to yourself. You are the one who recognized that inspiration and how it could benefit your own life. Then you put a plan in place, taking the steps necessary to achieve your own success. That was all you and no one else. But with that realization also comes responsibility; it's also up to you to keep up the good work. Celebrate your own heroism! It's yours for the taking.

Oh, Jillian....

In the age of celebrity worship, it's only natural that some folks in our society look to movie stars and musicians when thinking about embarking on a weight-loss journey. I make no secret of the attention I give when famous bariatric-surgery patients such as Carnie Wilson or Star Jones speak out. Spokespeople from Jennifer Hudson and Valerie Bertinelli to Marie Osmond and Charles Barkley have made a second career out of endorsement deals with the programs that helped them to shed pounds. Reality shows create superstars out of personal trainers like Jillian Michaels and Bob Harper, and at least some fleeting fame for the contestants. Nothing wrong with that and nothing wrong with looking to these people for inspiration. I say, find it in whomever - or whatever - works for you.

But celebrities do, in my opinion, have a certain responsibility to know what the hell they're talking about.

Recently, on Jillian Michaels' You Tube series "Daily Dose" a caller asked her what she thought about lap-band surgery. This kind of led to a long oration against all wight-loss surgery (WLS), which she described as "dangerous, very dangerous" and "barbaric". You can imagine how this is setting with the vast majority of bariatric patients. Check it out for yourself:



She does say some things that are kind of true - there are risks associated with WLS - with ANY major surgery - and there are possibilities of complications like dumping. But honestly, she's being very, VERY dramatic. I had a pretty emotional reaction to this video when I first watched it. It made me cry with sadness. What elicits such a strong response from me is thinking about someone who thinks they have finally found a solution to obesity. They've tried everything (yeah, Jillian, they've counted calories) and failed over and over again. They are in the middle (or end) of the pre-screening process and are excited to start their new life, although yeah, they're probably scared, too. So they watch this video and get freaked out. Maybe they cancel the surgery and spend a few days in a bag of Doritos because Jillian says they should be able to lose weight without surgery but they still feel like they can't. Maybe they get a little depressed and self-esteem plummets further. You see where I'm going with this?

Of course, maybe she inspires someone to try to lose weight "on their own" one last time and they succeed. If so, good for them.

Here's the thing. People look up to her and she needs to get her facts straight before she spouts off very generalized statements about a specific surgery. Ranting about worst-case scenarios is not cool. You risk a whole lot more being morbidly obese than you do having this surgery. According to the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive & Kidney Disease (NIDDK), less than 1% of all cases of bariatric surgery result in death. Complications are rare and as I've said before - most of the more "common" complications like malnutrition and dumping can be avoided simply by being a good patient and doing what you're told.

My husband watched this video with me and made a good point, which I was already considering before he said it: Jillian's worried about her bottom line. Speaking out against WLS and using fear to keep people away from it could potentially benefit her pocketbook. She could be under the mistaken notion that WLS patients don't buy her books or exercise videos. She would be wrong about that, of course. Again....WLS isn't a magic wand and you have to exercise and eat right to both lose the weight and keep it off. However, you can bet your ass that after watching this video, I won't buy another single thing she has for sale. Ever.

The National Institute of Health now considers WLS the only permanent treatment for morbid obesity. I've written in the past about the many years, tears and dollars I've spent trying to achieve and maintain a healthy weight. It's not that I failed, I just didn't find what worked for me. Every "diet plan" will work if you work it - you just have to find one you can live with. WLS has worked (so far) for me.

While researching some stats for this blog, I found a very cool graphic from the American Society for Metabolic and Bariatric Surgery
website. This is what WLS can do for you (click to enlarge):


As someone who supposedly makes a living attempting to help people discover a healthier lifestyle, shame on Jillian Michaels for trying to steer people away from a very safe procedure that saves lives every single day.

Fat Flashbacks

I'm pretty sure everyone has heard of acid flashbacks. Well, I'm here to tell you I have FAT Flashbacks. The best thing I can compare it to is post traumatic stress disorder - almost like I've been through a war and sometimes a certain thing will trigger a memory where I'm right back in the trenches, feeling and experiencing everything I was going through before I lost weight.

I've made no secret of my love for the show "The Biggest Loser". I started watching it when I was losing weight for my surgery. It helped me tremendously to see real people who were nearly my size (there have only been a couple contestants on the show who were as big as I was) exercising and doing things unimaginable to me. It made me think I could do it, too. I still watch faithfully. This season, one contestant on the show is particularly tugging at my heart.

Musician Vinny Hickerson arrived on the ranch weighing in at 426 pounds. Now there's some backstory with Vinny. Erich and I saw him and his band Trailer Choir perform at the 2010 CMA Fest and were so impressed, their new CD became part of the soundtrack in our home and cars. Yes, even Erich - the country music hater who let it be known he would NOT have a good time there but in the end loved it - really got into their sound. We were also blown away by Vinny's stage performance. Here was a 400-pound guy in bibs doing the worm on stage in 95-degree heat. Vinny can MOVE! I remember watching him and being envious of his agility. I certainly couldn't move like that when I weighed that much!

Last week, trainer Bob Harper was pushing Vinny beyond anything he's done so far on the ranch. Vinny was on the treadmill and Bob kept raising the incline. Eventually, he got to 10. A 10 incline is tough when you're just strolling, but Vinny was RUNNING. Vinny's done very well on the show, but as young as he is (27) and at his weight...and being a man....one would expect bigger numbers from him and his male team members each week. Now I'm not sure exactly what their problem is (I do have an idea and plan a blog on that later) but Bob's team has kicked ass each week. So when Bob finally got a hold of Vinny, I was soooo happy.

"It's time for you to pull double digits every week," Bob told Vinny.
"Yes, sir" was the Southern-boy reply.

Meanwhile, a tape is running of an interview with Vinny taken after all this was going on. He says, "I weigh 372 pounds. You're not supposed to be able to do a 10 at 372 pounds."

I kept watching this and was suddenly overcome with emotion. I weighed 372 pounds on July 7, 2009 - the date of my gastric bypass. Watching Vinny running on that treadmill did something to me. It took me back in time and made me empathize with what he was feeling. How hard that must've been for him and how satisfying it must've been to accomplish it. The look of effort on his face made me weep for him, for me, for everyone in that position. I remembered how hard it was for me to run around my cul-de-sac the first time. I did it because I saw another contestant on this show do it - so I knew I had the power as well.

I cried. I paced. Wrung my hands. My breathing increased and I was worried about a panic attack for a moment. My cats looked at me like I was insane. Deep breathing...

"You are not 372 pounds anymore. Never going back. Never going back. It's ok. That's not you anymore." These are the things I whispered to myself and eventually I calmed down.

Fat Flashback. I don't know if others go through this, but I've had a few of these kinds of episodes. I assume it's my brain's way of dealing with change and fear. Even though it's been a year now in this new body, my head hasn't completely caught up with it all yet. Actually, I don't know if it ever will.

Plus, everyone who has ever lost a great deal of weight fears going back. Regain is the nightmare monster chasing us 24/7. I think when I remember being that way, the fear comes to me that the boogeyman is there. Again, my brain has to somehow deal with this shit, right? It is what it is.

What makes a reward?

Let's talk about rewards this morning. What exactly do you deserve? Think about that for a moment.

On this past Tuesday's episode of The Biggest Loser, trainer Jillian Michaels confronted contestant - and Olympic gold medalist - Rulon Gardner over video footage from his room in which he is seen eating things that could sabotage his weight loss. Chips, bags of candy, fast food. Jillian is known for her take-no-prisoners approach so I'm sure Rulon thought he was in for a flogging. Not so much. She calmly went to him to discuss in private why he felt the need to overindulge when his clear purpose for being at the ranch is to lose weight.

Rulon explained his view that he thought he deserved it. He was working hard, losing a ton of weight (well over 100 pounds so far) and figured he could afford to reward himself with a few of his favorite foods. To his credit, he was very honest and forthright about it.

This struck a chord with me big time. I am guilty of thinking this way occasionally. I've lost 250 pounds...I *deserve* to have a bag of chips. I've worked hard and deserve to reward myself. But, as Jillian pointed out, what do you think you deserve?

We deserve to be healthy and live longer. We deserve to be proud of ourselves every day for the choices we make.

Jillian discussed with Rulon the theory that people sometimes have an all-or-nothing approach to food. If you start eliminating foods, it only leads to deprivation and binging when you do succumb to the temptation. Then guilt lingers, you feel like a failure and turn to even more bad choices in an attempt to console yourself. And the cycle goes on and on. Because some foods feel forbidden, we tend to think of them as rewards. Food should never be used in this way. As a society, food often surrounds celebratory events. And that's fine: But the type of food and the amount of it are extremely important. We need to make the celebration about people, not a double-chocolate layer cake.

I have stated many times in the past that I don't believe in bad food. An eating plan that directs you to eliminate any food - whether it's a Snicker's bar or homemade bread - gives me reason to pause. Nothing is totally off limits but of course a clear head and moderation must prevail or you will end up right back where you started and all your hard work will be lost. Do I struggle with the balance? Every single frickin' day! I am guilty of backsliding just like anyone else.

"I ate one piece of pizza, so I blew it and might as well have five pieces." Or maybe you blow one meal and it ruins the whole day for you. Try not to get caught up in that mentality. Even if you have the five pieces, when it's over stop for a second. Think about what just happened. Can you change it? No. Can you move on and make a better choice at the next meal? Sure. You're in control. Even when you screw up, how you deal with it is up to you. Still in control.

Jillian explained that she wasn't telling Rulon to stop eating certain things, just wanted him and the other contestants to try to think about food in a different way since when they leave the ranch, they will deal with choices like this more often, every day. Eat one burger, not three. We all know this stuff - I've blogged about it many times - but it's harder to put into practice. It's not easy, but if you succeed even 80% of the time, then you're ok.

Food isn't a reward in and of itself. Good health is, though. Let's all try to remember that when reaching for the third doughnut of the week at work. I will if you will.

An uphill fight

It's been a while since my last brain spill, so I'll get right to it!

The second anniversary of Sweeping Cindy has come and gone. WOW! I can't believe it's been that long since I started on this journey. I wrote my first blog on my 39th birthday and so much has changed since then. I'm 41 now but I sure don't feel 41! When I was 39, I felt about 60. It's all good.

Erich and I went to Niagara Falls once again this year. Last year, we splurged to celebrate my 40th. This year we did it again because on it's been 10 years since I took a long weekend from my job in Ohio to come visit my boyfriend, who lived in Ontario, to celebrate my birthday and Valentine's Day. I was a little upset at the time because I had expected to receive an engagement ring for Christmas and didn't get it. So once I got up here, my boyfriend took me out to eat at a local Applebee's (I love Applebee's). At the end of the meal, he slowly pushed a tiny velvet box across the table and asked me - very quietly and sweetly - to marry him. I remember I was in shock, but not really. LOL! I was hoping, you know? Still, when it happens, it's a bit surreal. Of course I said yes. That decision, along with the gastric bypass surgery, is the best thing I've ever done. Not a single regret.

So yeah, we felt like celebrating again this year. Niagara Falls is one of my favorite places, and I love it even more now that I can walk all over the place with absolutely no problems. It snowed like crazy and we ended up foregoing the shuttle back to our hotel from Clifton Hill. We walked for what seemed like 5 miles uphill in a blizzard. Erich was soaking wet with sweat by the time we got to the top. It really was quite a workout! Funny thing was, I felt like a million bucks when we got to the top of that hill. I was out of breath, my calves ached and everything but it got my adrenaline pumping like mad. I've come to understand that if you are tired, or in a bad mood, depressed or something - exercise can make you feel soooo much better. The endorphins that come with a good workout are amazing.

I'm having trouble putting into words the struggle I'm going through in my life right now and the effect it's having on me physically and emotionally. It's definitely affecting my diet. I'm still getting workouts in - and the desired endorphin rush does help - but the eating thing is a bit of a mess some days. So the weight loss has slowed to a halt the past week or so. I know enough to know that the two go hand in hand - you must work at your diet and you must move. I think this knowledge makes it even more frustrating to me, which in turn leads to more stress. I know what to do; why the hell can't I do it all the time??

No one is perfect - least of all me - but I do feel a certain pressure to be successful in my maintenance since I've lost so much weight and done it so publicly. I purposely set out to put myself in a situation where I can be held accountable to people other than myself - this blog and all of you are a big part of why I was/am successful and I want to continue that. I love it!! Yet I also don't want to live a life where food and exercise are all I think about 24/7. I just want to be normal and I'm starting to figure out that I can't be and won't be. Ever. Like a drug addict, it's a one-day-at-a-time thing that I will have to be struggle with forever. It's a difficult thing to reconcile and I'm still working on the balance, especially with all the crap being thrown at me right now (which I won't go into).

On a positive note, I did my own little Biggest Loser moment recently.

I have kept a few select pieces of clothing from my pre-op days and Erich and I thought it would be fun to see just how big my old jeans are. I'm a size 16 now. Actually more like 14, but I need the extra room in the 16 to house the excess skin around my lower stomach. The waistband of my 16s has enough room for a small toddler in there with me.

Pre-op, I had two pairs of "denim pants". I wouldn't really call them jeans. They were denim but with total elastic waists. Oh, and they were size 6X. Not a waist size - just size 6X. I kept a pair and now, I can fit into one leg.



We did a video, too - just because we're freaks like that:



I also saved the first pair of "real jeans" - the kind with buttons and a zipper - that I bought after I started losing weight. I blogged about how I cried in the fitting room when I got them zipped up. Well, those size-22 jeans literally fall off me now.



Luckily, music soothes the savage beast. I treated myself to a Heart concert in town this past Tuesday, the day after my birthday. I've wanted to see them since I was a little girl and heard 'Magic Man' for the first time. Here are a few links to video that I took: Alone, Magic Man, and a few clips that I strung together. Ann Wilson's voice and the rockin' tunes did wonders for my mood. At least for a day or two.

My girl Randi and I go to see Bon Jovi in Toronto on Tuesday. Talk about a stress reliever!! I am very psyched to see my favorite band!

I can't bitch too much. I'm good. Even if I never lose another pound, I'm ok. I have a lot going on but I'm healthy and I have a wonderful husband, fabulous friends and family.

It's t-shirt tiiiime!!!

Hello, my name is Cindy and I am addicted to t-shirts.

I bought two new t-shirts yesterday and after I hung them up in my closet, I thought "Damn. I'm getting quite the collection here!" I've always been a t-shirt sort of girl, but as much as I have always loved music and sports, I never had t-shirts to proclaim my love for my favorite band or team - or my support for a cause, or pride in heritage.

I did have a man's size-6x Ohio State shirt that I found once in a big and tall shop in Columbus, Ohio. I *treasured* that shirt and wore it till it was basically a rag.

When I was in high school, there were no shirts or jerseys for me. I was pretty much the only one who didn't have anything to wear come game day. Same for college.

A lifelong Cincinnati Bengals fan, I remember having one shirt when I was in junior high - it was also a find from a man's big & tall shop. You know, I still don't have a Bengals shirt! I have looked when I go home and, oddly enough, can't find them anywhere. I guess I'll have to order one online.

I'm going a little crazy buying every one I can get my hands on. At least I'm not buying designer dresses, huh? The affordability of this habit makes it hard to say no. LOL! Erich can't complain because he feeds the addiction. There have been several times when I've been in a store trying to choose between two shirts and he takes them from me and tosses them both in the cart. I guess he thinks I deserve to splurge a bit!

Take Bo Bice t-shirts for example. I can't tell you how it always killed me that I couldn't wear one. I spent almost 5 years sighing heavily at merch tables and online listings, wishing for a damn Bo Bice t-shirt. When I bought my first one, at the fan club party last year in Nashville during CMA Fest, you would've thought I had just scored the Holy Grail. I was a happy, happy girl that day! I have five years' worth of merch to buy...!!!!

Here are just a few in my ever-growing collection (click to enlarge):











Here's a link to all of them: T-shirt album.

There aren't enough days in the week to wear all of this stuff so I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Most of them I can't really wear to work even though my office is very casual (I would find it difficult to work in an environment where I couldn't wear jeans & a t-shirt to the office...sorry). I guess I'll just keep buying them till I'm satisfied that I'm all caught up on the stuff I should've been able to wear all these years. If that's the worst I do, then I'm ok.

I lost one pound last week, so that's six in total for The Biggest Loser's Pound for Pound Challenge that a lot of us Bo fans are doing to support Second Harvest of Middle Tennessee. We're up to over 100 pledges now! Come on...you can even pledge maintenance if you have nothing to lose and that counts as 10 pounds - which means 10 pounds of food for Second Harvest. You know you wanna!

Broadcast motivation

Ok, so it's time to get back on the horse and go back to the pre-holiday routine. I admit, I went off the rails a bit. I'm not beating myself up too badly though - to me, it seems pretty normal to eat a little more and gain a few pounds in December. It'll come off just getting back to doing what I should be doing. The key to holiday overindulgence is not to let it become a habit. It's easier said than done, I know, but really...un-doing all my hard work over a sugar cookie just ain't gonna happen.

Plus there's new incentive to do well. A good friend of mine, Debbie, has set up a group called Bo Peeps through the show The Biggest Loser for their Pound for Pound Challenge. For every pound we lose, the show will donate 11 cents to Feeding America. That's enough for one pound of food for the local food bank of your choice. We are pledging for Second Harvest of Middle Tennessee which is a charity close to Bo's heart. Uh. That's Bo Bice, of course. Do you know me at all? If you check us out on the teams page, you will see a link to our Facebook page. Why not try it? You just click on the 'pledge' tab and follow the steps. If you want to pledge for Second Harvest of Middle Tennessee, use the zip code 37228. But you can pledge for any food bank you like; just join the Bo Peeps team! So far we have 76 members pledging 2,168 pounds. You can also pledge maintenance, which they count as the equivalent of 10 pounds.

Here is Bo volunteering for Second Harvest. I love the first line - Bo is a joker!


I pledged 10 pounds. That'll take me to 189. I know I always said that 194 was my goal and I didn't care if I lost any after that but it wouldn't kill me to lose a few more, as my BMI is still in the 'overweight' category. I hate the frickin' 'charts' that tell you what you're supposed to weigh but I think I need another goal in mind to keep me on track for now. Like I said, it won't kill me.

There's a plethora of motivation on the airwaves to start off the new year! I love to watch shows that focus on weight loss because it gets me off my ass. I watch and think 'if they can do that so can I.' Here are a few to consider. I have my PVR set to record them all:

The Biggest Loser Of course! I was surprised that a new season started so soon after the end of the previous one (less than a month ago), but very happy nonetheless! Last season was a bit of a downer as game play seemed to be more important to some of the contestants than losing weight, but so far this season looks to be quite interesting. Two new trainers are available to the contestants and this is Jillian Michaels' last season at the ranch. That's kinda like Simon Cowell leaving American Idol. The show will never be the same. It's brought me tremendous motivation and clarity over the past two years and I highly recommend the show to anyone, whether you're trying to lose weight or not.

I Used to be Fat follows teenagers in the summer between their senior year and first year of college. I've watched the first two episodes and am reminded of the time I took off 80 pounds my senior year of high school. It was so incredible to be normal. Being fat as a kid or teen is incredibly hard. My weight loss didn't last very long, unfortunately. I'm rooting for these kids, bless their hearts.

Heavy follows people for 6 months as they attempt to transform their lives. It's not a competition; click on the link and watch the video. Inspiration? Oh yeah. It starts January 15 on A&E.

Ruby starts its third season in March on the Style network in the States. Canada has to wait a while after that for it to air on E! Canada, but it's worth the wait. Ruby Gettinger has lost almost 400 pounds. Yes, you read that correctly. If she can do that, you can lose whatever you need to lose. That's it, end of discussion. I watched the first season faithfully then lost track of the second season - they kept moving it around on me! I hope they release it on DVD - the first season is available but only in a 'best of' package which I don't understand. Why not offer full episodes? I love her, she is awesome!

There are also magazines that I'll buy just so I can read the success stories for inspiration. Off The Couch, special editions of Oxygen magazine, is one of my favorites. I'll also buy Wight Watchers, Self, anything I see that can be of help to help me stay on track.

Look around and you'll no doubt find someone's story that will resonate with you. Relating to others helps me in a big way.

Awakening in the Woods, part two

So I left off with the hike. It feels odd that I am writing about hiking. Or running. Or whatever it is that I'm doing these days.

As I said in my last installment, I've heard about Ravine Creek Trail ever since I've known Erich. Not that it's such a fantastic trail or anything, but he has been on it so many times that it pops up in stories he's told me of past adventures in camping. So I was a bit excited that I would be able to hike it with him this time.

After our trip into town and the climb up the lighthouse, we went back to camp and had lunch then took off for the trail. Generous amounts of bug spray were applied and since the beach is at the end of the trek, we took a beach bag with blanket, sunscreen, water, etc. Erich carried that, thank god. LOL!

There are steps at the entrance leading down into the woods. I stopped and said "It's at this point where I would've said 'yeah so why are we doing this again? we're not driving to the beach why?'" We both had a laugh then I took off down the steps (click all pics to enlarge).



Ravine Creek is just a few steps from the entrance and there's a wooden bridge to cross. Erich was in front of me and trotted over to the bridge. I got down the steps, came to a dead stop, looked around and just...lost it. I don't know what came over me. I started to speak and all I got out was "It's been so long..." before I bent at the waist and started to sob. Erich came back to comfort me. I swear, something just *POW* hit me like a ton of bricks. One second I was laughing and excited, then I felt like I was going to fall over from some sort of emotion that just overwhelmed me.

"Wow, I don't know where that came from," I said. And I didn't. It shook me up for a while. The more I think about it I guess it was just that I was there. I looked up and around all those trees and the creek and it took me back to my childhood exploring the woods on my family's property. I suppose in my subconscious mind, I never thought I'd see anything like that again because I'd never be able to physically get to a location such as that. Maybe the realization hit me that I can now do anything I want. I am free to do anything, go anywhere.

I never realized what I was missing out on when I was a prisoner in my own body. Over time I just accepted my limitations and pushed them out of my head. It would never occur to me to move. I mean...it just didn't, because I couldn't. And I got so used to believing - knowing - I couldn't that I never tried. I wasn't living my life. Now I'm going to live out loud, baby. Full speed ahead.

I brought the camera with me that day but was so messed up that I only took a few pictures further up the trail. We went back the next day so I could snap a few pictures of the scenes that caused me so much emotion. Not pain, but really a kind of relief and joy. I didn't realize it then but that's what it was. I wasn't hurting, I was having an out-of-heart experience on a level that's hard to explain.

Pictures from the scene of the awakening:



I decided after this trip that perhaps I need to go buy some shorts that fit. LOL! And no, I didn't hike with flip-flops on, this was the next day.

It was a pretty long hike over some hilly, rocky terrain. Not horrible, but my knees were kinda tapping on my shoulder after a while saying "Um, are we there yet?" I wasn't hot, tired or out of breath, but the knees were starting to cringe by the time we got to the beach. And the bugs! Lorda mercy. They feasted on me, that's for sure. I did apply bug spray but much like sunscreen, maybe it doesn't work too well for me!

We decided to walk on the road back to camp and man...I think all in all I did more walking that day than I've ever done in my life. But I felt good at the end of the night and was ready for bear the next morning. Even if I didn't get much sleep because the twenty-something guys camped next to us kept me awake with such lively conversations as 'who's the oldest chick you'd do it with?' 'what's the weirdest sexual position you've ever done'? and more lewd topics which I won't go into. Suffice it to say they sounded like they were right outside the tent and if I'd had children with me, I would've been throwing raccoons at them. The coons. Ah yes. Brave little suckers that crept around camp all weekend. They got my protein bars, the little asses!! *grumble*

It was a wonderful weekend that I'll remember forever. We decided we're going to try and go back before it gets cold. I told Erich I wasn't so sure about that trail because of the knee factor and he said "Yeah, but at least you can say you did it." He's right. I did it!

I've lost four pounds since I last reported my weight. I'm at 226. Four more and I will have officially gone from 444 to 222, losing 50% of my total body weight. Makes me feel like I'm on The Biggest Loser or something! LOL! That'll be a cool milestone when I hit it.

A side note: This is my 100th blog since I began it in February of 2009. I owe each and every one of my readers a HUGE thank you. This blog keeps me straight, keeps me sane, and I appreciate all the feedback you give me! Here's to 100 more!

A week in the life

So a couple of cool things have happened this week.

First, I got my invitation to join the Centurion Society at Henry Ford Hospital. This is a club for patients who have lost 100 pounds or more. My surgeon, Dr. Genaw, mentioned this to me the last time I saw him several months ago because even then, I was pretty close to that milestone. I thought it might be a little much to go all the way to Detroit for a little ceremony but Erich insisted at the time that we would go back for it, no matter what. Well, the time has come! We will leave the afternoon of Tuesday, July 13, for the 6 p.m. ceremony then stay overnight at the apartments on Henry Ford campus for my one-year assessment with Dr. Genaw the next day. Two birds with one stone.

My letter/invitation says they want us to give a short speech about "what you can do now that you couldn't do before and what you are doing to maintain your weight loss". Um. Yeah. Public speaking and Cindy do not mix. I freakin' HATE it. Writing, no problem. Can't I just write them a letter??? LOL! So I'm kinda nervous about that aspect of the ceremony.

The last time I spoke to Dr. Genaw, via email about 2 weeks ago, I told him I'd lost over 200 pounds by now. He was very excited and I'm looking forward to seeing him again and thanking him for helping me lose weight and gain my life. He is a very important part of my story and I am forever grateful to him.

The other thing is, I formally registered for my walking 5K this week. It's on June 23 - a Wednesday! 6:30 p.m. That kind of sucks since I'll have to rush to get out of work, run home and change and rush again to the starting point. This event is sponsored by Weight Watchers and is, I was told, "strictly for fun". I thought it sounded like an ideal first 5K.

The 5K in June is a walking challenge but I'm still training to run. I can run farther now than ever so it's going well I suppose. I got sick shortly after I started training but I'm back into it now. Yesterday, I walked a 5K on the treadmill at the gym just to make sure I could do it, since I have registered for one already! LOL! I did it in about an hour. Not bad but I plan to keep doing that distance at the gym so I'm really ready to walk it at the challenge.

I have a reader/fellow gastric bypass patient who said she might be willing to do this with me. I think it would be wonderful to experience this with someone who has undergone the same kind of journey that I have. I've asked a couple other people and received grumbles for responses. Hopefully I won't be out there by myself but I guess we'll have to see.

The season finale of The Biggest Loser is on Tuesday and my man Michael made the final two. I'm friends with him on Facebook and he put up a picture not long ago that made me go "WOW!" I think it's fairly recent because he looks smaller than he did on the show last week. He looks AMAZING. I can't wait for Tuesday. I will be surprised if he wins because he just had SO much to lose but I'll still be rooting for him. The other finalist, Ashley, is way cool as well and I'll be ok if she wins. There will be a 3rd finalist chosen by America's votes. I do hope it's Daris. I love that kid. I'll be watching TBL and DVR-ing the American Idol finale. Go Lee!!! :)))

And the Celebrity Apprentice finale is on tonight. Ohhhhh Bret. I am rooting for you but the word-that-rhymes-with-witch Holly will be tough to beat. I was a teenage girl in the mid to late '80s so the guys in the hair bands tend to have my vote pretty much no matter what. LOL!

I didn't lose any weight this week but that's ok. I'm starting to become a little more zen about the scale not moving. I think I just got so used to losing huge amounts of weight each and every week that it's what I came to expect. And yes, when you have this surgery you expect it to come off quickly. And it does at first. Well, maybe I'm now at a weight where that might not happen so much anymore. It's weird but I seem to stay the same for a couple weeks then I get a big drop - like 5 to 7 pounds - in one week. I don't know what's up with that but as long as I'm still losing something, even if it's slow going, I have to be ok with that.

Gratitude

I've been having trouble recently coming to terms with my new self. I look at pictures and don't see me. The contours of my body don't feel familiar. It's a really strange thing and at times, believe it or not, I can get a bit depressed about it. As odd as it might seem, I sometimes miss the old Cindy.

I hate to keep going back to Michael Ventrella from The Biggest Loser, but his journey so resonates with me. Mike had a meltdown last week when Bob (the trainer) started telling him how well he's doing, what an inspiration he is to others, etc., etc. Michael gets down on himself sometimes because he feels like he still has such a long way to go. He's lost over 200 pounds on campus, in 10 WEEKS, but still weighs 322 pounds. This is the weight a lot of people start at on the show. It gets to him. He has trouble seeing the big picture of how far he's already come. "This isn't easy and it isn't fun" Michael yelled as Bob tried to talk to him.

In short, his head is having trouble catching up with his body. The man has lost 200 pounds in 10 weeks, ya'll. I did it in a year and it has been a soul-shifting experience for me so I can't imagine what it would be like to go through that kind of transformation in only 10 weeks. You have good days and bad days. And sometimes it's not what you expected it to me.

Michael's right: It isn't easy and it isn't fun. Not the dieting part; of course that isn't fun or easy. The transformation part. This becoming a new person is frightening and sometimes a dark, lonely experience.

So in order to 'see the light' (Bo Bice reference there...LOL), I decided to pointedly keep track of the things I'm grateful for. Not just about the weight loss but about life in general. Here's a sample from this past week:

Sunday: I'm grateful for flowers. For my husband, my stepdaughter and family. For recognition. For my new Bon Jovi t-shirt that I never got to have before now. For my mother and for love.

Monday: I'm grateful that I can comfortably get out of bed. For my new haircut. For my co-workers who make me laugh and make going to work a little easier. For Zyrtec and lotion-infused tisses. For sleep.

Tuesday: I'm grateful for sugar-free dark chocolate and strawberries. That I have no idea where my seat belt extender is anymore. For earrings. For collarbones. For The Biggest Loser and the inspiration it gives me. For feeling better today.

Wednesday: I'm grateful for Crystal Light iced tea. For movement, for freedom. For sunglasses (that I need to get adjusted smaller). Again, for co-workers. For someone knowing who Bo Bice is and telling me 'he rocked it. he should've won that thing.' Hah! For not being tired when I get home from work like I used to be. For Happy Town and Glee.

Thursday: I'm grateful for Facebook that keeps me in touch with family and friends far away. For new friends, new subscribers/Facebook friends. For new music. I'm grateful that I can move around better and rarely get tired. For being limber and strong. For talking to my husband on the phone before bed.

Friday: I'm grateful that it's Friday! For losing five pounds and realizing I'm 36 away from my goal. For my belt being on the next-to-last hole. For too-big clothes that I'm not tired of wearing yet. For baby pictures. For my husband waiting for me when I get home. For movement without thought. For tax refunds!

Saturday: I'm grateful for my busy life and that I have the strength, the energy and stamina to do everything I want and need to do. For the smell of fabric softener. For the size-large shrugs I bought for $6 each. For a lasting pedicure. For spending precious time with my husband on weekends.

Sunday: And today, I'm grateful for sunshine and warmth (finally). For a new Bon Jovi DVD! I'm grateful that since my clothes are smaller, I now do less loads of laundry. For the long weekend coming up and the anticipation of a summer packed with activities that I couldn't do a year ago.

So yeah, I have A LOT to be grateful for. Life is good and we all need to remember that from time to time. Dwelling on the negative does no one any favors.

Just for those keeping track:
Starting weight: 444
Current weight: 230
Goal weight: 194

I wanna be like Mike

I've decided that a 5K is in my future. That's 3.1 miles for those who can't/don't want to convert.

I was watching The Biggest Loser last night - and if you don't WHY THE HELL NOT?? - when the contestants traveled to Texas to take part in a 5K with radio contest winners. Last week, my main man Michael completed a 5K on the treadmill at the ranch. First time ever. Let me mention that Mike weighed 372 pounds at the time. Michael Ventrella showed up on the show at 526 pounds, the heaviest contestant ever. I felt a kinship to him right away, as I usually do with the bigger people on the show. But I've grown to love his personality, his drive and pretty much everything about him. The fact that he's becoming quite handsome doesn't hurt, either. LOL!

Mike has a long way to go but he's already accomplished so much. He's such an inspiration to me and makes me push myself harder in my workouts. I've said for a while now that my goal was to run. And the way I see it, if Mike can do that then so can I. The show is really awesome for that - you see people there that could be YOU. The very first time I ran, I did it because I saw Ron, a contestant two seasons ago, jog just a tiny bit. Ron arrived on the ranch weighing well over 400 pounds. Damn it, if he can run - and Mike can run - then I can, too.

And so can you.

I've been doing quite a bit of walking/running outside lately. When I say run, I mean I run sprints. Short bursts, then I walk. I'm getting better than I used to be but progress is slower than I'd like because of my knees. I read in a magazine a few weeks ago about a jogging chart of sorts. It said to start off walking four minutes and jogging one then repeat that pattern over and over. Then increase jogging time each week. When I saw Mike hit that 5K on the treadmill then the 5K in Texas this week I said 'That's it. I'm going to actually train to do this.'

So tonight I started out on the treadmill at the gym doing just that. Walking four minutes and jogging for one. It wasn't as bad as I thought but by the last one-minute jog, my legs were feeling pretty heavy! I went 2 miles in 32 minutes. Not great, still some work to do. But man...a year ago that would've been a faraway dream of some kind. I'm going to work on it. I'll let you know how it goes. I may not run the whole 5K, but I'll complete it. Mike didn't run the whole thing in Texas, either. In fact, he said it hadn't been long since he could run a mile without stopping. Hell, I think that's amazing! I'll be glad when I can do that much.

Since I've been exercising outdoors, I've run into my Jogging Idol a few times. I blogged about seeing her running alongside the road with her blonde ponytail bobbing up and down, looking like she totally had her shit together. Usually she's off in the distance but once she was on the other side of the street. AND, I was doing one of my sprints when we passed each other. I jogged past my Jogging Idol!! She totally has no clue but I was thrilled. It's the little things....LOL!

A couple random things about losing weight that I haven't mentioned before:

- Erich rebuilt my desk chair years ago to accommodate my hips. He literally took the arms off, added steel extensions and reattached them. A while back, he removed them. I sat down and I look down at the chair then over at him. 'You took off the extensions, didn't you?' He just smiled. 'Yep. You don't need them anymore.' And so I don't. I have a normal chair now.

- For the first time, Erich and I now need different adjustments on the car seats and mirrors. When he drives my car on the weekend, he has to adjust everything. I was laughing at him last weekend. 'That's new, huh?' I said. Indeed! I didn't get shorter; I just lost weight. But now I want the seat closer to the wheel and the mirrors have to be turned down. Odd about the mirrors! I also want to tilt the wheel down, too. One of the reasons I bought that car was because I could fit into it...with the seat all the way back and the tilt wheel all the way up. Next car I buy, I don't think I'll have to worry so much about that.

- I went to upstate New York a couple weeks ago to visit with friends and rode in my good friend Lecia's Toyota. Toyotas are notoriously small and I've never been able to get a seat belt on in one. My BFF in Ohio, Katrina, used to have a Rav4 that was always uncomfortable for me to ride in. When I got into Lecia's car, I put the belt on, no problem. Lots of room. Very cool.

Another milestone!

I'd mentioned on Facebook the other day that I needed to lose one more lb. to reach a big milestone. Well, I did it! Actually, I lost two. :)

I've been cheating by getting on the scale a few times this week and seeing how I'm doing because I've been so anxious all month to bust through this milestone. I was frustrated being so close then losing like one lb. or two lbs. - but this week, I lost five in total and that puts me at 298 lbs.

I am in the 200s. Not 400s; not 300s - 200s. I am crying as I type that. It's an incredible feeling. I had sorta given up hope that I would ever weigh under 300 lbs. again. It seemed such an unreachable goal for so many years. I know......Cindy, you're still 298 lbs. Which is true and I still have a long way to go. But it still feels overwhelmingly amazing!

This week on The Biggest Loser, my girl Shay finally dipped under 400 lbs. She cried and was completely thrilled. I know how she feels. When I went under 400 I was still hiding my weight from you and the world. But Erich was with me and I collapsed into tears. He told me he was proud of me and I started to feel like maybe I could really do this. Now, I feel that even more. I'm gonna DO this, ya'll.....I'm really gonna lose all this weight. And I will keep it off. I'm starting to wrap my head around that and not doubt myself in any way. It'll happen. It really will!

I feel like I'm accomplishing the impossible and there are no words to describe how that affects your soul. It is changing everything about me, inside and out.

It's been a while since I've blogged and I have so much to say but I have to get my ass in gear and get to work (*groan*). I have lost 146 lbs. in total so far.

I sorta rock. Ha!

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

The title of this blog comes from the theme song to the show The Biggest Loser, which is now in its 3rd week on NBC. I encourage anyone reading this blog to tune into that show. Last season was the first time I'd ever watched it and it helped me, motivated me, soooo much pre-op when I was losing the 40 lbs. Dr. Genaw asked of me. I jogged (a few feet!) because I saw people on there nearly as big as I was doing it. It's very cool.

There's a guy, Daniel, on this season who was there last season, too. He's lost well over 100 lbs., but got cut early last time. His partner just wasn't serious, in my opinion, and Daniel suffered as a result. He's only 19 and last season, he weighed in at 454 lbs. Very close to my 444. This season, he started at 312 - and I'm at 313! So I identify a lot with Daniel. I see his struggles and support him 100% - along with all the other contestants of course. If you tune in, keep a box of tissues handy. Just sayin'.

I weighed myself on Sunday and saw a loss of three. At 313, I've lost 131 lbs. total. Now, I've weighed myself early in the week before, only to see a lb. or two come back on by Friday, so we'll see how that goes! Plus I will weigh in at Henry Ford tomorrow.

I head to Detroit tomorrow for my next post-op follow up with Dr. Genaw. I got a copy of my most recent bloodwork today and everything looks pretty tickety-boo. There are a few things that tested higher than normal and after some research on Google, I learned they have to do with my liver. Hm. Not sure what's up but I guess we'll see tomorrow. My family doctor wasn't concerned with anything on those test results, so that's good news.

My trainer, Jennifer, and I have FINALLY connected and I start my sessions with her on Friday after work. It was a crazy, drawn-out process but she called me Monday at work and we scheduled all 12 of my sessions. Yes, I went ahead and got the 12 instead of the 6. I figure I'll never see these prices again so I went for it. I know this will be one of the hardest things I've ever done but I'm so ready to get started! I'm anxious to do this and see some results.

I'm starting to have issues with my new body - I'm a little concerned that I'll actually look worse when all this is over than I did before! Wrinkles and sagging are appearing. Not fun and not attractive. My health is much better but I'm not so sure I look better naked! LOL! I'm hoping the gym will help. Now all I need is a winning lottery ticket for plastic surgery at the end of the road. Anybody have one they'd like to give me??? ;) Vanity also isn't attractive so this is something I'm struggling with.

So what have you done today to make you feel proud? Me, well, I walked for 30 mins. tonight after work. I got in all my vitamins, supplements and protein. I've done 2 loads of laundry! I've made a list of everything I need for Detroit (passport included!!). I made a big pot of my good friend Lisa's potato cheese soup (delish). Not too bad for today.

Three dates on Tuesday

This Tuesday, I go to Detroit for my appointments with a psychologist, exercise specialist and the medical clearance doctor at Henry Ford. Not worried about medical clearance. Not TOO worried about the psychologist (though Erich tells me that's the one he's worried about...LOL) but the exercise specialist? Yeah, a little concerned.

Supposedly, she will determine how fit I am. It's called an "exercise assessment". Um, what? What does that mean? I keep picturing Jillian from The Biggest Loser shrieking "I don't care if it hurts!!! Give me 10 more!!! Push yourself!!! You're a baby!! You're a quitter!!" Dude, I'll have to hurt the chick. Seriously. My personality doesn't lend itself well to that stuff. This is why I never joined a sports team, the army, etc. I immediately push back against someone pushing me. Which is good and bad, I suppose.

Erich pointed out that they do this surgery on people in walkers and stuff. Which is true because even when I was there before, there were definitely people in walkers and on oxygen. So if they can pass this "assessment", then maybe I shouldn't be so concerned.

The shrink should be interesting. Listen: I have issues. I know we all do, but people in my situation have SERIOUS issues or we wouldn't be in this situation. At least that's how I see it. I recognize some of mine and am working on others. What I'm concerned about is what will this guy bring out in me that I don't realize or know about? I scared but also intrigued and excited. I cry easily and I worry that might be construed as a weakness...if I get too emotional he might tell me I need to work on things before I can be cleared for the surgery. Yikes.

I guess we'll have to see how it goes. I'm more concerned about these 3 appointments than I am about meeting my weight loss goal and seeing Dr. Genaw on the 24th! I haven't been sleeping well. I need to chill out.

I lost 4 pounds last week for a total of 34. Six more to lose by the 24th. Keep crossing your fingers! I love each and every one of you. :)