Gratitude

I've been having trouble recently coming to terms with my new self. I look at pictures and don't see me. The contours of my body don't feel familiar. It's a really strange thing and at times, believe it or not, I can get a bit depressed about it. As odd as it might seem, I sometimes miss the old Cindy.

I hate to keep going back to Michael Ventrella from The Biggest Loser, but his journey so resonates with me. Mike had a meltdown last week when Bob (the trainer) started telling him how well he's doing, what an inspiration he is to others, etc., etc. Michael gets down on himself sometimes because he feels like he still has such a long way to go. He's lost over 200 pounds on campus, in 10 WEEKS, but still weighs 322 pounds. This is the weight a lot of people start at on the show. It gets to him. He has trouble seeing the big picture of how far he's already come. "This isn't easy and it isn't fun" Michael yelled as Bob tried to talk to him.

In short, his head is having trouble catching up with his body. The man has lost 200 pounds in 10 weeks, ya'll. I did it in a year and it has been a soul-shifting experience for me so I can't imagine what it would be like to go through that kind of transformation in only 10 weeks. You have good days and bad days. And sometimes it's not what you expected it to me.

Michael's right: It isn't easy and it isn't fun. Not the dieting part; of course that isn't fun or easy. The transformation part. This becoming a new person is frightening and sometimes a dark, lonely experience.

So in order to 'see the light' (Bo Bice reference there...LOL), I decided to pointedly keep track of the things I'm grateful for. Not just about the weight loss but about life in general. Here's a sample from this past week:

Sunday: I'm grateful for flowers. For my husband, my stepdaughter and family. For recognition. For my new Bon Jovi t-shirt that I never got to have before now. For my mother and for love.

Monday: I'm grateful that I can comfortably get out of bed. For my new haircut. For my co-workers who make me laugh and make going to work a little easier. For Zyrtec and lotion-infused tisses. For sleep.

Tuesday: I'm grateful for sugar-free dark chocolate and strawberries. That I have no idea where my seat belt extender is anymore. For earrings. For collarbones. For The Biggest Loser and the inspiration it gives me. For feeling better today.

Wednesday: I'm grateful for Crystal Light iced tea. For movement, for freedom. For sunglasses (that I need to get adjusted smaller). Again, for co-workers. For someone knowing who Bo Bice is and telling me 'he rocked it. he should've won that thing.' Hah! For not being tired when I get home from work like I used to be. For Happy Town and Glee.

Thursday: I'm grateful for Facebook that keeps me in touch with family and friends far away. For new friends, new subscribers/Facebook friends. For new music. I'm grateful that I can move around better and rarely get tired. For being limber and strong. For talking to my husband on the phone before bed.

Friday: I'm grateful that it's Friday! For losing five pounds and realizing I'm 36 away from my goal. For my belt being on the next-to-last hole. For too-big clothes that I'm not tired of wearing yet. For baby pictures. For my husband waiting for me when I get home. For movement without thought. For tax refunds!

Saturday: I'm grateful for my busy life and that I have the strength, the energy and stamina to do everything I want and need to do. For the smell of fabric softener. For the size-large shrugs I bought for $6 each. For a lasting pedicure. For spending precious time with my husband on weekends.

Sunday: And today, I'm grateful for sunshine and warmth (finally). For a new Bon Jovi DVD! I'm grateful that since my clothes are smaller, I now do less loads of laundry. For the long weekend coming up and the anticipation of a summer packed with activities that I couldn't do a year ago.

So yeah, I have A LOT to be grateful for. Life is good and we all need to remember that from time to time. Dwelling on the negative does no one any favors.

Just for those keeping track:
Starting weight: 444
Current weight: 230
Goal weight: 194