Note to self: you've lost weight

I was all set to write a blog about how my brain isn't nearly caught up with the changes in my body. I have been thinking about it for a couple of days - what I would say and how I would say it.

Then I dropped into a Giant Tiger to get garlic bread and all that went to hell.

There's a certain type of garlic/cheese "pizza" Erich and I like. Walmart has it but they were out. So we made a special trip to Giant Tiger, the only other place in the universe I've seen this special super-sekrit cheesy garlic-y thingy. For Americans: Giant Tiger is kinda like Family Dollar but bigger with more merchandise selection. If you don't know what a Family Dollar is, well, I dunno...like a store even cheaper than Walmart. We go in, get the stuff we wanted and start browsing.

Now, I've blogged before about how Cindy is allll about clothes shopping these days. I can't stay away from the damn clothes. Right before we're ready to walk out the door, I wander over to the plus-size dept. Just to look.

Right away I find two tops that I love. One $8 and one $13. Erich is looking at jeans. "What size do you wear in jeans now?" he asks me. Wellll....since these particular jeans have no elastic waist, I'd start at 26. I see no size bigger than 24 here so forget it. He looks at me with that 'Erich' look. I think you can wear this, he says. Hmmm....I pick up a size 24 and hold it up. Maybe? Maybe?? I agree to try them on. My husband doesn't see women's clothes he suggests to me often, so I'm thinking I will amuse him. I don't think I can wear these, but who knows? I've been shocked before. I have size 1X elastic-waist jeans in my closet now. That totally shocked the shit outta me.

Ok. The logical person would probably now ask themselves the following: Um, Cin? If you can wear 1X elastic-waist jeans, why would you think you'd have to start at size 26 'regular' jeans??

Good point. But my brain doesn't think that way yet. I have spent so much time starting at the top of the size chart and 90% of the time, not even being able to wear that size, so...it will take time for me to realize how small I'm getting. Not small. But you know what I mean.

I take two tops and a pair of jeans in the fitting room. One of the tops, a 3X, is too big yet also too short. Such is my lot in life. I have a small waist and narrow shoulders but still have this awful belly overhang. Not attractive and hard to fit. My tops must be long. So out it goes. The other top, a size 26/28, is too big but long enough. Again, I don't know why I even brought a 26/28 in there with me since I'm comfortably in 2X tops now.

As soon as I open the size 24 jeans and step into them, I know they will fit. So I put them on and um, well. Wouldya look at that. Too big around the waist. Too big. I pull the waist out away from my body. Seriously? Like...seriously?? There's a full-length mirror in front of me and I look at myself with this incredulous expression on my face. I open the door and show Erich. "Too big," I say. He laughs. "I told you so," he said. "Next size down?" I tell him yes. For the jeans and the one top. I also ask him to bring another pair of jeans we were looking at that I didn't even consider.

When I get the size 22 jeans, I'm pretty convinced they will be too small. I find that in a lot of things these days I am between sizes. One size is too small, the next is too big. But I yank them on and button them up. No problem.

I again look at myself in the mirror. I'm staring at myself in these jeans. Jeans like this I haven't had on since high school. Then I start crying. It was pretty emotional since no more than 10 mins. before I felt sure I wouldn't even get the 24s on. I never would've bothered trying them on at all if Erich hadn't goaded me into it. In fact, I hadn't even noticed the jeans till he said something about them. I have trained myself to ignore that stuff. I haven't been able to wear it for over 20 years! You know what I mean? I have trained my brain to tune it out.

Even buttoning and zipping them up felt weird. I haven't had buttons and zippers on my pants since Ronald Reagan was in office.

I was so excited to have jeans for my Nashville trip in December. Even elastic-waist jeans were out of the question when I was 444 pounds. And I do still like them; especially the size 1X ones that I just bought! And no one but me knows about the elastic waist; not like I'm gonna tuck my shirt in anyway. But my new, button-y, zipper-y, size-22 jeans are my precious new pets. I love them!

I also bought the $8 shirt, in a size 22 as well. It was a good day. I debated about actually getting the jeans at first. Money is tight right now and I didn't really need them. But in the end I bought both pairs I tried on. My husband told me I deserved them and I believe him. LOL! The tears wouldn't stop, though. I felt like an idiot blubbering in the middle of Giant Tiger with Erich holding me like there'd been a death in the family. We got a few looks.

But really it's the opposite. There's a whole new life in this family and it sometimes overwhelms me. The changes are coming so fast and furious my mind can't keep up. I still have to remind myself that I don't NEED to go to the handicap stall in public bathrooms - I can fit comfortably in a regular one. I don't NEED to walk all the way around a restaurant's perimeter to get to my table - I can cut in between the chairs. I don't NEED to request a table in the first place - a booth is actually more comfortable now. I don't NEED to squish myself up against the walls of a hallway when someone is coming towards me - they'll have plenty of room to get by me.

It's the little stuff that my brain can't yet fully comprehend. But those jeans...man that's the stuff of miracles. Just two pairs of simple, cheap but super-cool size-22 jeans. Miracles.