Find your Health Hero

You are stronger than you think. This has been my motto on my journey to better health for over five years now. In my moments of self-perceived weakness, I found strength in myself.

When I decided to have RNY gastric bypass surgery in 2009, I didn't join a support group. Indeed, I didn't know there were any to join; there may not have been any at the time in this area. I made my own phone calls, researched the protocol to get the surgery approved out of Canada since I'd already been turned away from a local clinic, and figured it out. My family doctor had no idea what to do and had very little knowledge of the surgery or how to care for me during or after the process. I had to lead her through it as well. I was her test case and after my success, she has gone on to recommend the surgery for other patients.

Maybe I was naive, but I didn't do much surfing around online or anything...not for support, at least. Honestly, I didn't know about any of that stuff. And when I did discover a few online forums I was turned off pretty quickly. Post one random thought or question and you'll get 10 different responses ranging from gratitude and interest to sneering and eye rolling. I didn't, and don't, need the drama. Henry Ford Hospital in Detroit, where I had my procedure, gave me a huge blue binder full of information and I read it voraciously. Again, maybe not too smart of me, but that was about it. I knew what I had to do to be successful and just did it.

Here's my favorite "before" photo. Christmas, 2008 (click to enlarge).


So when people ask me who my mentor is/was, who is my Health Hero, it's surprisingly difficult. After thinking about it for a while, I think it's me! Is that a weird answer? Let me explain.

Were there people I looked up to on this journey? Sure! I never missed an episode of The Biggest Loser or Ruby. But I had to make adjustments for my personal journey, as would anyone else. I tried to ignore it when, as a pre-op, I watched Allison Sweeney roll her eyes and shake her head at the mention of gastric bypass surgery. For me, there was more interest in someone my exact weight (444 pounds) shrinking more and more every week, doing things I didn't think I could. But hey, I was stronger than I thought; I could to that, too. I laughed as Ruby Gettinger smashed her talking scale with a sledgehammer - the exact same scale I had, purchased because it weighed up to 600 pounds - and it said "HELLO...I'M READY" after she thought she destroyed it. OMG, the thing was still alive! As is our quest for health. You can't kill it. Just when you think you're done, you're not. There were many teachable moments on television.

About three weeks after my surgery I found out about a local support group and went to my first meeting. It was at someone's house and there were two people there. It was kind of awkward and a little strange. I understand it was the middle of summer and people are busy, but I dunno. I just never went back. Again, probably not smart on my part. The best thing to come out of that meeting was I was told about The World According to Eggface, which is a wonderful resource for weight loss surgery patients. I still follow Shelly to this day, and she led me to Beth, a.k.a. Melting Mama. These two ladies are definitely worth a look if you're going through the process.

Here's a photo from around that time, August 2009 (click to enlarge):


It must be said that I, like a lot of morbidly obese or super morbidly obese folks, have an issue with meeting new people. Even in a setting where those around me are ostensibly like me, I fear being judged. For my appearance, for my choices, etc. I find myself to be oddly quiet in group settings when I'm definitely not that way normally. I'm a very opinionated, sarcastic and strangely funny person. But I clam up if I don't know you well because I fear saying or doing the wrong thing and seeming foolish. Even five years post-op, this is still somewhat true.

So I chugged along on my own for another three years until Melting Mama's Facebook page led me to a different local support group. This time I went and was much more comfortable. Maybe it was the atmosphere - a mall food court - or maybe it was just that I was ready to mingle, at a different point in my weight loss where I was open to sharing. I had lost 250 pounds by that point and certainly felt better about myself. This blog gave me confidence that I could share with others and also learn a few things myself! I love these people but they're not necessarily my Health Heroes. They inspire me with their determination, failure and forgiveness.

Here's me in September 2012, around the time I found my present support group (click to enlarge). I am getting ready to compete in my first 10K here:


But still, ultimately, it's up to me.

I'm the one who has to reach down inside myself and find a reason to continue. To have scrambled eggs and Greek yogurt for breakfast instead of pancakes & bacon. To go to the gym instead of cuddling up on the sofa with my husband. To set goals, like the half marathon I completed last spring, which force me to take care of myself and treat myself with respect. One of the most difficult lessons to learn is that WE ARE WORTH THE EFFORT. It's so easy to sit back and do nothing. Heroes rise to the occasion and put forth the effort to do what's right. And we all have that inside us.

Give thanks to those who have inspired you in some way, but also give credit to yourself. You are the one who recognized that inspiration and how it could benefit your own life. Then you put a plan in place, taking the steps necessary to achieve your own success. That was all you and no one else. But with that realization also comes responsibility; it's also up to you to keep up the good work. Celebrate your own heroism! It's yours for the taking.

Online forums: *shrug*

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm a big believer in the Internet. My presence is very visible in this blog, on Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn - not much into Pinterest as of yet. I need some form of 3D life. And of course, as I've spoken of many times, my immersion in Bo Bice's fan club/community has been life altering. Used correctly and responsibly, online communities bring like-minded people together and make them feel supported and understood. My wide circle of friends and family are all over the globe and I'm so grateful to social media for helping me stay in touch at the click of a mouse.

So it may seem odd that I am a late bloomer when it comes to online support systems meant for bariatric patients.

Henry Ford Hospital gives each of their bariatric patients a Big Blue Binder full of answers to just about any question you could think of and I studied it carefully. Maybe I felt that was enough? I joined a Yahoo group for Henry Ford patients but wasn't a huge presence there. Through it, I learned of an in-person support group nearby and went to one meeting a few weeks after my surgery in July, 2009. There were two other people and it was kind of...empty and strange. While one person present educated me about an online message board called Obesity Help (OH) and pointed me in the direction of a fantastic blog called The World According to Eggface, I didn't go back.

I created an account at OH but again...didn't post much. I can't remember if I ever posted at all. There was some support there and good information, but everyone seemed to already know each other and I didn't know where to start. There also seemed to be a fair amount of cattiness, judgment, cliques and "inside jokes" (which I hate). So I just concentrated on this blog and my Big Blue Binder.

Through Facebook, I found Melting Mama and her Bariatric Bad Girls Club (BBGC). Or rather, she found me (thanks, Beth) when she requested my friendship after reading my brusque (hey, I gotta be me) response to a post from a so-called "leader" in the bariatric community. That person is now finished and most of us couldn't be happier. Through BBGC, I found the Community of Bariatric Patients of Southern Ontario and the Cambridge Coffee Crew (CCC...are you keeping up with the acronyms?), the wonderful bunch of women I am proud to call my sisters following this twisted path of health. I went to my first meeting in June of last year, a week before my 3rd "surgiversary" or what I like to call my Rebirth-day.

I was surprised to find people at CCC and BBGC who were months pre-op. Some haven't even got their surgery date scheduled yet. Looking back, I wonder how different my journey would've been if I'd had this support system. Luckily, success came to me despite it. My cheerleaders have been all of you, as well as a wonderful system of family and friends. But it's true I had no one who had actually gone through this and knew what I was thinking and feeling. Support is so very important and you can never have too much.

So I am envious of these people in some ways. Not so much in others. I still don't participate/post much in online forums because I still find so much judgement there. You know what they say about opinions, right? It doesn't matter what you're doing, someone will tell you it's wrong or you're not doing it as well as they are. Most of the time it's in a passive-aggressive way, sometimes it shows outright hostility. Then someone chimes in with what should be the Bariatric Life Principal, "we are all different", trying to calm things down. I dunno, it's tiring to me and I don't have time for the drama. If someone wants to eat a certain thing or take a certain brand of vitamins, don't judge. You know what The Beatles say - let it be. Words of wisdom and all...

Bullshit is everywhere and I suppose it's our job to duck and cover when we deem it necessary. Some people love OH and the online bariatric community, and that's great. Whatever works for them. I'm pretty sensitive so maybe it's just me. But I will stick with my CCC girls - even though no group is perfect - and this blog, all of you. Add CCC, my amazing husband and the Big Blue Binder to the mix and I think this is going to be a very good year for success!

Three is a magic number

Yesterday was my 3rd rebirth-day, as my husband calls it. The anniversary of my surgery and the day my life changed forever. Changing for the better every day!

Erich and I went to Stratford and took a relaxing boat tour of the Avon River. It was a beautiful day and strolling around the water watching the swans was what I needed after a week of very intense work-related stress. Celebrating low-key.

My other re-birthday gift to myself was signing up for my first 10K. I think I'm ready for a new challenge. My knees - with braces on them both - held out pretty well for the Father's Day 5K. So I'm gearing up for the Minds in Motion K-W Walking Classic on September 23. Yes, I will walk it. For some reason, people tend to make you feel badly for not running. I'm taking baby steps here - my knees thank me for it. There was also a half marathon option but nope. Not yet. Sorry!!

I posted this picture on Facebook yesterday morning and had such an overwhelming response of support from my awesome friends and family. The photo on the left was taken in December, 2008 - two months before my first visit to the surgeon in Detroit. The pic on the right was taken on Father's Day this year during the 5K I participated in for prostate cancer awareness and research.



I've said it before, but I bear no ill will to the woman on the left. She was brave and strong enough to save herself and I am grateful to her. I'm not one of those people who cringe at my 'before' photos. I still don't really recognize the woman on the right. I know it's me, but it still doesn't seem like me.

Three years seems like a long time yet it also seems like yesterday. I've learned a lot. A lot about me and those around me. Here are the top three things I know to be true:

3. I am stronger than I think I am. Who would've ever thought I could do this? Certainly not me. I mean, I wouldn't have started it if I didn't want it but I have been successful beyond my own expectations and surprised myself with my fabulous-ness!!

2. Support is the most important ingredient to inspiration and therefore, success. When you think you can't go on, there will be someone, somewhere, to let you know YOU CAN. You will. You must. It could be your partner, parent, child, friend, a stranger on tv or in a magazine. Someone. Support comes from unexpected sources, let me tell you, as does apathy. You might learn who really has your back and who doesn't; I sure did.

1. The journey never ends. It just goes on and morphs into something different as time goes by. The new normal is you being healthy, positive, looking out for yourself. Taking care of yourself. Goals are important - maintenance itself can be a goal but for me, I'm learning I need new challenges. New reasons to push myself to maintain health. Hence the 10K signup.

Let's toast to Three. It's a magic number! :)

Re-gain and re-run

It's hard to believe I am coming up on the 3-year anniversary of my surgery. So many changes and yet so many things are the same. My husband refers to July 7 as my "re-birthday"; I am one of those cheesy people who often consider new years (January 1, birthdays, anniversaries) as a chance to push the re-set button on whatever needs to be tweaked. This year, as I approach my re-birthday, I know what needs to be done.

This journey never ends, it just changes. For me, I am dealing with a bit of regain and of course that needs to be stopped in its tracks. I've been struggling with it since last fall, when something happened that made the already overwhelming stress in my life just a bit more of a vivid stoplight red. I won't go into that but I definitely recognized the pathological, comfortable reaction for me was to medicate with my old frenemy food. The good thing is that I did recognize it and it hasn't gotten completely out of hand, but I feel like I need to start over a little bit. So I'm going back to 2009 in a few ways. I'm re-reading my faithful blue binder that the awesome team at Henry Ford Hospital gave to me. I'm looking within myself and remembering the reasons I did this and how it would feel to go back. NO going back. Ever. I'm even thinking of heading back to the pool. It helped me so much back then and was so much fun. I stopped going because I couldn't really afford a gym membership and pool time, but my gym membership is dirt cheap now so I'm going back into the water.

Complacency is an addict's worst enemy. So many of us get to goal and feel a fucked-up sense of entitlement, of "I'm thin now, so I can eat what I want." No, you can't. If the reformed drinker or smoker says that, the shit hits the fan. No different with me. Having said that, I have no desire to be a food Nazi. Life is more than 1200 calories a day, no sugar, no carbs, no fun. I can't just stop eating, so finding the sweet spot (no pun intended) can be difficult. So since last fall, I've lost some and gained, lost some and gained. I'm losing again at the moment and I'm determined to not let this shit beat me down.

Enough of that! Other topics:

Even three years out, I still struggle sometimes to remember that I've lost weight and people don't see me the way they did before the surgery. In some situations, my first reaction is to think about how humiliating an experience will be based on others' reaction to my presence. That's a very tough thing to overcome. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will.

Not too long ago I went to see singer/songwriter Levi Weaver at a so-called "house show". Literally, someone opens up their home to musicians and people come to feel the music. Levi is popular with some of my friends but I had never seen him perform live. Now, the thought of me going to someone's house and not knowing anyone at all in the room was more than a little terrifying. A bigger venue I can handle. It was the size of the "crowd" that got to me. What if there isn't room for me? I take up too much space, right? No one will talk to me. Who wants to talk to me?? Sometimes I feel like there's a voice in my head like the psycho mom in Carrie: "They're all gonna laugh at you!!" But I took a deep breath and remembered that I. Will. Be. Fine. I got great support from my friends and went. And it was awesome. Levi was wonderful, both offstage and on, and the whole thing made me wonder what I was so worried about. I discovered yet another thing that is no big deal. Just do it.

Erich and I celebrated our 11th anniversary at a dinner theatre/all-suite hotel in Mississauga called Stage West. Again, something I wouldn't have attempted before. I just would've felt very out of place in a setting like that. The seating would've freaked me out. Navigating my way through the tables would've been enough to keep me home. But it was a very nice time and we both loved the food, the play and the hotel. We got a great, GREAT deal so it's probably not something we would do again.

This time next week, I will have completed my second official 5K (I do them in the gym all the time but no one's counting those...LOL) when I go to London (Ontario...don't get too excited) and participate in the Father's Day Walk/Run for Prostate Cancer. Last fall, I did the CIBC Breast Cancer 5K in memory of my Aunt Betty and also to support all the other victims and caregivers of the disease. This time, I'm walking for my own father. My dad was only 49 when he was diagnosed and thanks to early detection, he is still with us today. I can't be with him next Sunday so this is my way of linking us together over the miles. I am fund-raising for this event - if you can, please click this link and give me, my dad, and all those touched by prostate cancer your support. I will do the breast cancer 5K again this year, but will not fund-raise for it. I figure one race a year is enough to bug people for money - and trust me, IT'S HARD to get people to donate to anything. Much harder than I expected! The rest of the year, I will do more 5Ks if I find them, but won't fund-raise.

I still can't run a 5K. My knees are pretty much bone on bone, so damaged from the arthritis that came about from my life of morbid obesity. But I wear braces on both knees and get on with it. And the other night, I ran more than I ever have and it was a pretty awesome feeling. I did a 5K at the gym yesterday and shaved about 10 minutes off the time I put up at the breast cancer race last October. So I feel good about that. I no longer wonder if I can finish; I just want my best time.

More stuff to get off my chest but that'll come later, maybe tomorrow. I don't want to write too long of a book here! I love you guys and thanks so much for all your kind wishes and support.

My life lately

I've lost five pounds in the past couple weeks. For me, this is progress. The weight is coming off verrrryyyy slooowwwly at this point. I'm trying to step it up, mix it up and see what happens. I have been told that your body knows when you've lost enough and will settle into a goal weight of its own choosing. Oh yeah? Well, I'm not done yet. I'm the boss here!

No one has ever mentioned a goal weight to me. Not my family doctor and not anyone at Henry Ford Hospital. I believe there was a conscious effort to just get me to LOSE WEIGHT without obsessing about specific numbers. The losing-250-pounds thing is all me, all my goal. My BMI will still be too high when I get there - still in the 'obese' range. I know that weighing 194 pounds is still 'too much' according to every insurance chart on earth. And I really don't care. I did some figuring and it seems I need to get down to 170 to be on the HIGH end of 'normal'. Well, um...I don't think that's realistic. I would look pretty freakin' skeletal at 170 (remember, I weigh 212 right now). I have no desire to bust my ass fitting some sort of proper mold. I've never been normal before so why bother at this point? This is about as normal as it gets, I think. LOL!

I made a decision a couple weeks ago. Magazines are taking over my life, dude. I once wrote a My Space blog about my obsession with magazines. I don't have time to read actual books anymore! And we won't even go into the expense. So they gotta go. I'm not going cold turkey because there's no way I'm on this planet without People magazine (shut up), but most of them are history. Got two new books recently - Shakespeare Undead and The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner: An Eclipse Novella (Twilight Saga). Plus I have several more sitting on a shelf that I need to get to. This is all about the new me, I think. Sweeping Cindy - out with the old and in with the new. I can't take the clutter anymore.

I went to the gym on Tuesday and got invited out to coffee. Trouble was, I think she was interested in more than coffee. Ok. I KNOW she was. And yes, she was a she. I go to a women-only gym. Color me shocked! That's a new one. I've seen her there many times but of course my mind never went there. I guess hers did. LOL! WTF? Is there something about me that screams 'lesbian'? I can't figure out why she would proposition me but I have to admit it was flattering. I told her I was married...to a guy...(I specified because gay marriage is legal here) and she went on her way. I told her I was sorry and she said 'No, I'm the one who's sorry. But we can be friends, right?' I said 'sure' and that was it. Odd as a cod, I'm telling you. I'm still not used to men looking at me differently now, let alone a WOMAN making a pass at me. My husband was terribly amused by all of this, as were my male co-workers.

I'm loving Eminem's comeback. I've always absolutely loved him and am sooooo happy to see the success of his new CD, 'Recovery'. Say what you want about him, he's honest. Erich and I are huge fans - he's on my concert wish list. I don't know which current chart hit I like better - 'Not Afraid' or his duet with Rihanna - 'Love the Way You Lie', which must feel like a very personal song to her. Fantastic stuff.

Halloween is about 2-1/2 months away and I'm already so looking forward to it, I can't even explain it! It's always been my favorite holiday but I haven't been able to dress up the way I want to since I was a child out trick-or-treating. This year, I'm going to walk into a store and pick out a cute costume that will fit me just fine. I'm just freakin' STOKED about being able to do that. Last year, I still couldn't wear the plus-sized ones in stores but I was able to order one online (which I'd never been able to do before). I was happy with that costume but hey...it's something else to walk in and pick something out off the rack. Totally can't wait. I'll be doing the time warp with a grin on my face.

So that's all the stuff falling out of my brain this morning. Eighteen more pounds to go till I reach my goal. It really feels within reach and it's exciting.

Baby but I are, I'm a star

I didn't sleep very well at all last Tuesday night. I was too busy losing weight. By the time I got to Dr. Genaw's office on Wednesday, the whole three pounds I'd gained last week were gone.

I was up three times during the night to go to the freakin' bathroom. I never do that. Ever. I finally got up for good around 6 a.m. and watched the media discuss the implosion that has become Mel Gibson. Two more trips to the bathroom. Seriously, WTF?

Erich and I had our leftover dinner for breakfast then we took a few pictures before checking out of the room.

My favorite shirt used to be a bohemian-looking, very thin pink thingy my mother-in-law made for me. I absolutely love it. I wore it all the time, and happened to have it on for my first visit to Henry Ford back in Feb. 2009. Erich snapped a picture of me on the balcony of our room that day. I brought the shirt back with me when I came for my surgery in July 2009, and we took another pic. And last week, I brought it again. That shirt has been altered a LOT but I still had to gather it in the back and tuck it into my pants so it wouldn't look quite so baggy. Here are the results of 16 months' worth of hard work (click to enlarge):



I think I look much thinner, but about 15 years older. People keep telling me I look younger. OMG, I don't see that at all. All I see are bags, sags and wrinkles that I never had before. But it's ok. I'm healthy, that's what's important.

I was in a celebratory mood leftover from the previous evening. Ole!



Erich and I had some time to kill before my appointment so we drove around a bit and found a couple clothing stores not far from the hospital. One in particular was totally awesome! CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP! I think Erich gets a kick out of seeing me shop. I swear, he encourages me. He looks for things for me, follows me around a store with a smile, holding stuff for me. He waits patiently as I try things on. In case I don't say it enough, my husband rocks. I get an armload of stuff and he tells me he just noticed a sign that their debit and credit was down. WHAT?!?!?! OMG! I almost started to cry. We don't carry much cash, either when we're home or in the States. DAMN! We bought what little we could and left.

When I checked in at Dr. Genaw's office, the lady who pulled up my file must've been able to see my before weight. She gasped. "Oh! You've done well, haven't you?" I told her yes, and showed her my before picture. She, and a guy sitting beside her, were very nice and congratulatory. They kept 'wow-ing' and giving me a thumbs up. It's nice to hear.

Again, Erich and I sat in the waiting room till we saw someone stumbling over a name. A young man came to the entrance with a file, looked at it with a puzzled expression then started to leave...then came back...then left again. "We're up," I told Erich, who laughed. The kid came back and said "Cynthia..." I stood up and said "Schiketantz." Really. No one even needs to say our name anymore. LOL!

I stepped on the scale and BOOM...219. So odd. I don't know what that three pounds was about and why I lost it all in one night of peeing my brains out, but I'll take it. Does stress bring on water weight gain? Maybe. I sure was freaked out by that speech. I guess when it was all over, the stress left me. By Friday, another pound had come off so I'm now at 218.

Dr. Genaw came in and looked over my blood tests. Everything was normal. Still no diabetes or anything. He asked me a bunch of questions about my health, what I was eating, and how I planned to keep the weight off. I told him I was gonna keep on doing what I'm doing. I can't imagine going through all this only to gain it back. However, I'm sure everyone who's gained it back has also said that to themselves at one time. I'm not about to get cocky. I know what a hold food has over me; it will have me forever and my hope is that I can keep it at bay MOST of the time. It's a constant battle, one I can't ever let myself think I've totally won. Dr. Genaw told me the failure rate is 1/3. So 1/3 of people gain it back after surgery. So really, the odds are with me. LOL! A majority are successful. I plan to be in that group.

He told me he couldn't believe I ever weighed 444 pounds. I said "Oh, I did. I have the picture to prove it." He shook his head at that photograph. I also showed him the tattoo on my back and explained the hearts, how there's one for every 50 pounds. He seemed so impressed with me and it makes me want to keep succeeding. Before he left, he told me "You're fantastic. You're a star. Keep it up." It's good to hear that. I thanked him again, for everything.

In the lobby of the hospital, we passed an ATM and Erich stopped to get cash so we could go back to that clothing store and get the stuff we had to put back. "My star needs clothes," he said. Have I mentioned that my husband rocks? After we got all the stuff I wanted, he led me across the street to another clothing store. Then asked if I wanted to go to a shoe store a few doors down. I kissed him and declined. "We've spent enough money," I said. "Let's go home." I'm telling you, he encourages me.

Did I mention my husband rocks?

Oh, and did I mention the freakin' CAMARO he bought for me?



I saw it on one of my wogs (walk/jogs) and fell in love at first sight. Three days later, I came home from work and it was in my parking spot. I couldn't believe he bought it for me! He said I deserved a reward for losing, literally, half of myself. The first thing I did when I started to get into the car was pull the seat all the way back. It looked pretty small in there. Erich said "It's already all the way back." I was like "Oh. Well...we'll see." I could feel him rolling his eyes. "Get in the car," he said. LOL! Of course I had tons of room between me and the steering wheel. My brain isn't caught up yet. Sometimes I wonder if it ever will be!

Speaking of wogs. Man, I don't know about jogging. I can do sprints ok but whenever I try to really train and increase my time, my knees just tear me up. I should be grateful that I'm able to be as mobile as I am and just do what I can do, I guess. I damn near ruined my body for 40 years. There still isn't any cartilage there! It sure feels a lot better than it did but maybe I won't ever be able to run the way I want to. If I can't, then that's ok. I can live with it.

Tomorrow night, I'm going to see Bon Jovi and Kid Rock (yes, together!) in Toronto with my girl Randi! Randi is having one helluva summer herself and well, we are awesomeness. She's lost 100 pounds and I've lost over 200. We totally rock, ya'll. LOL! We're gonna sit in those little seats just 'cause we can, but mostly we'll be dancing and head-bangin' ourselves silly. No pain. No stress. No self-consciousness. I can't wait!

By the way, this blog's title comes from a Prince song. It popped into my head when Dr. Genaw called me a star. LOL! Here it is, in case you're not familiar. I've added it to my cardio tunage.

Shouldn't I have two of these?

I didn't really sleep too well in the couple of days preceding my trip back to Detroit for the Centurion Club ceremony and my one-year checkup. The speech had me pretty nervous. I didn't have any idea what to expect, I suppose. I was picturing a similar set-up to the seminar Erich and I attended before my surgery: Small room with about 25 people. Um, I was not correct.

Weighing myself Tuesday morning, that damn number staring back at me was like a slap in the face. Gained three pounds? Whaaaa? Seriously? I'd never gained more than one pound - one time - since my surgery. And I would be expected to give my present weight at the door when I went into the ceremony. Hm. Well that sucks. But I could still claim 50% of my total body weight gone, which still sounded good.

When we got to the residency on campus and checked in, I changed clothes and went over my speech. As I mentioned in my last blog, I wrote out what I wanted to say. I didn't want to take it up to the podium with me though. Past experience has taught me that I would simply either read it word for word or look back and forth from the paper to the audience enough times to get whiplash.

The first person on staff I saw was Wanda. As they said when they introduced her, she's kinda like Cher or Madonna in that she needs only one name. She is the patient coordinator for the program and helps Canadian patients in particular with all the government red tape we have to navigate to get approved for the surgery outside the country. She once faxed me 36 pages of documents to my office in Ontario to read and fill out. And she went the other way, too; I was in her office in Detroit post-op when she filled out and faxed off to Ontario the forms required by my Canadian insurance company so I could get the paid extended medical leave I needed. I didn't have to do it; she did it all for me. Her job is to get people in there so their lives can be saved. Her no-nonsense, sarcastic personality immediately resonated with me. I feel like she, along with Dr. Genaw, is a big part of my success story.

She didn't recognize me at first. I had to show her my before picture. "NOW I know you!" she yelled. "OH MY GOD!!" Then she gave me a big hug and said "Did you ever think? I mean, really. Did you ever think?" No, I told her. I don't think I did. Here's me outside the ceremony room and with Wanda. As always, click to enlarge:



We walked into a quite large room and by the time it filled up, there were at least 150 people there. Gulp. The stories were beyond inspiring and the things everyone was saying...well, it's like you're home. You're with people who 'get it'. Most everyone was near their goal. You wouldn't be able to tell the person next to you had lost 110 pounds because he or she looked completely normal.

This was a big deal to me. I won't ever look at a 'normal' person the same way, with the same judgment. Or that is, always automatically assuming they are judging ME and have no idea what I went through, what I put up with on a daily basis. I always had it in my head that most thin people looked at me and were disgusted. It made me put up defensive barriers with people right away. I know - that's awful, but it's true. But you never know the story people carry with them. I understand that now. Just as I didn't like it when people judged my book by its cover, I won't ever do the same to others again (in reverse).

On the other hand, I could also pick out a lot of the patients. So many of us, especially the women, had that same sagging neck and pear-shaped body that I know all too well comes from excess skin around the stomach. I truly believe it's a damn shame insurance companies don't pay to have this taken care of. It's part of aftercare and essential to the patient's emotional well-being, in my opinion. They pay for the surgery; they should pay to finish the job. I hear story after story of OHIP (the Ontario Health Insurance Plan) paying for some procedures and not paying for others. Then you hear of 2-year waiting lists. Then you hear NO, they pay for nothing. Or they pay for nothing unless you've lost 300 pounds. Then the next day you'll hear about someone who had a tummy tuck and boob job, all on the government's dime. I don't really know what to believe anymore.

Erich and I sat, enthralled, for a good hour till the speaker stumbled over a name. "Forgive me if I mispronounce your names..." she began. I started to get up. DING!! I knew it was me. "Cynthia...." she said. I said "Schiketantz" and started walking to the podium. We always know when people pause or something that they're attempting to say our name and it's our turn!

Then she said something different that she only said when I approached the podium. "Cynthia, we have you down for 151 pounds but is that right?" I stopped walking and said "Well, if you're counting from just the surgery date, that's about right." Then she asked me what my weight loss really was. "All together 222 pounds," I said and everyone burst into loud applause. I still don't know why she asked me for a corrected number. They didn't do that for anyone else. In fact, others were correcting it themselves when they'd speak. They really should include the pre-op number; it's all part of our journey.

My 151 number was one of the biggest of the night (only a few men had lost that much) but I didn't hear anyone saying they'd lost anything near 222 pounds. Believe me, I paid attention. LOL! If that sounds like bragging then ok. I'm bragging. I worked my ass off for those numbers and I'm proud of them.

I got up there and tried to implement a trick my English professor in college told me: Look over people's heads. If you get nervous looking at their faces, look just over their heads. It will look like you're making eye contact but you're not. That worked. I didn't hyperventilate or anything.

I started off my saying that when I arrived at Henry Ford, I weighed 444 pounds and was about to turn 40. I talked about how I was taking a fistful of pills every day, had severe degenerative arthritis in both knees, diabetes, high blood pressure, wearing the Darth Vader mask every night (Dr. Genaw loved the 'Darth Vader' comment - he even mentioned it to me the next day) and how I didn't think this could be 40. I was too young to be so disabled and sick.

I talked about my changed life. Ziplining, canoeing, running. How I'd lost 50% of my body weight and my husband bought me a Camaro! *cue wild applause and woots* I was interrupted a few times with either applause or laughter. I wanted to be funny because it makes me less nervous. LOL! I looked back to Erich a couple times and he was cracking up so I knew I was successful. I thanked my supportive friends and family, Erich in particular. I thanked Dr. Genaw for helping me to save my life. This is an important distinction, I believe. So many people thanked their surgeon for 'saving my life'. Dr. Genaw didn't save my life; he provided me with the tool so I could take matters into my own hands. That's how I see it. He helped me and I'm forever grateful to him. But he didn't do it alone - most of this was allll me. I feel it's important for patients to own their power. YOU did this. Bask in the glory.

I forgot a few things I wanted to talk about, including this blog. Can you believe I forgot to talk about the one thing I think has helped me more than anything? Yep, I did. I also wanted to show my heart tattoo and forgot that. Ah well. I'm just happy I didn't pass out or anything. And I didn't cry! I was sure I would but I held it together.

After the speech, I walked over to Dr. Genaw, who pinned the Centurion pin on my shirt. He whispered "Man...a car and everything huh? You've done so well. Fantastic. Congratulations." Then we posed for a picture. I look like I'm cracking up and I think it must've been because he pulled me to him so tightly. I've talked before about his bone-crushing handshake and it was the same way when he pulled me to him for this picture. I thought it was funny, I guess!



The other speakers were so inspiring. A lot said very little beyond 'thank you' but some were wonderful. One man in particular brought the house down. They hand you a rose when your name is called. He took it, strolled to the podium and said "I feel like I'm on The Bachelorette...hell yes, I'll accept this rose." LMAO!

There was a lot of laughter, tears and head-nodding going on all evening. We all understand each other. It was a very powerful night.



And shouldn't I get two pins since I've lost over 200 pounds? I'm just sayin'. :))

Erich and I hung around afterwards and talked to a few other patients. I saw one of my FB friends but lost track of her in the crowd after the ceremony was over! Sorry Joanna! We've since connected and she said the same thing; she wanted to come over to me but lost me afterwards. There were a lot of people milling around.

The photographer took a group picture and I can't wait to get a copy of that. My people! Awesome.

Some of the Canadian patients were discussing how OHIP is now denying coverage for the surgery in the States since more doctors are performing it here. My own family doctor has tried to send two people to Henry Ford since me and both were denied. I got in just under the wire, dude. It's a good thing that the surgery is being done more in Ontario now but I'm already hearing the wait lists are getting longer and longer. Some of us and Wanda were discussing the wildly different approach to patient care in Ontario versus Henry Ford. Wanda wisely said very little. I joked "Look at her, she's over there deep breathing." LOL!

This is me with my before picture I took to Detroit:

Erich and I went out to eat then back to our room and fell asleep quickly. I was completely exhausted. Emotionally and physically. I'd lived through that speech and felt a weight come off my shoulders. I didn't realize at the time the weight would be literal. More about that and my visit with Dr. Genaw in my next blog!

Zipping through life

I should be speech-writing, packing, doing a number of other things but blogging. But whatever. I'll sleep when I'm dead (as the song says).

On Saturday, I put another check mark on the list of things to do in the Summer of Cindy. Ziplining.

I should start by saying I have a terrible fear of heights. The other phobia that would prevent a sane person from doing this is my fear of breaking things. I've always been very careful not to test things that might not bear my weight. I still have that going on in my head to a great extent, needing to remind myself of my 225-pound weight loss.

Erich, my brother-in-law Robert and I headed to the local ski hill, Chicopee, to get this thing done. I went online to find out information about the zipline and discovered there was a 275-pound weight limit. Definitely something I wouldn't have been able to do pre-op.

When we got there, they strapped us in our harnesses right away and off we went to the top of the hill. There are people movers, like you find in airports, for a lot of the trip but it's still a fair hike, especially at the very top when you have to climb several flights of stairs. I was breathing a bit hard but not overwhelmed or anything. I recovered in a few seconds. I consider myself to be in pretty good shape at this point.

They position you in front of two gates. Two people can go down the hill at once. Erich videotaped while Rob and I went first. I have to tell you I was ok till I got up there and looked down over the valley. Whoa. Then the guy opened the gate for me. There are four steps that lead to nowhere. Literally.

I had to laugh. I mean...there was nothing else to do! What the hell was I doing?? It was just funny to me that I was even considering doing this. The guy told us it was sometimes better if you sit down on the next to last step and scoot off rather than just jump into nothingness. So Rob and I elected to sit. Rob has height issues, too, so he was conquering a phobia himself. We sat down and Rob started counting "Ok, Cindy! Here we go! One...two..."

I yelled "WAIT! NO NO WAIT!" LMAO! Not quite ready. We sat there a few more seconds and Rob just pushed off. So I followed him. I hurt my throat screaming on the way down. I'm just saying. That feeling of 'Ok, I'm jumping off a cliff and trusting this wire to keep me from hurling towards the earth to certain severe injury if not death.' Again, I have major issues with worrying about things bearing my weight.

At the bottom of the hill is a huge spring that stops you. OMG, that is a shock! If you're little it's probably not so bad but man, I crashed into that thing full boar and it took my breath away.

Erich has no height issues or weight-bearing fears so he just jumped full speed ahead. On our second jump, I videotaped him and you can hear him screaming "YEEE-HAAA!!!" He had a blast.

Here we are. Watch it and have a laugh. When I'm videotaping Erich, there were three teenage girls in line behind me and they were starting to freak out a bit. It's them you hear chattering when he's getting ready to jump.



My second jump was much less traumatic and I was able to enjoy it more. Talk about a feeling of weightlessness! It was pretty cool. I would definitely do it again!

Tomorrow Erich and I travel to Detroit for my induction into the Centurion Club, where I'll have to give a short speech. We're supposed to say a few words about how the surgery has changed our lives and talk about how we plan to keep the weight off. I dreamed about my speech the other night so I woke up and wrote it out in about 10 minutes. I'll tweak it tonight and we'll see how it goes! Wish me luck! Public speaking is right up there in my top five nightmare-inducing things to do. So if I pull this off without making a total idiot of myself, that'll be another thing to check off the list that I didn't think I could do pre-op. Then on Wednesday I have my one-year check-up with Dr. Genaw.

The past year has just been incredible. I'm not finished yet. :)

The Year of Living...

Exactly one year ago tonight, to the hour, I was sitting in my 'hotel' room on the Detroit campus of Henry Ford hospital, trying to record my feelings on videotape. I was scheduled for gastric bypass surgery the next morning.

Erich had gone out for dinner. He didn't want to eat in front of me since I had been on a liquids-only diet for the past week. I set up our camera on the dinette table in front of me and started talking. Note that this is a preview of my terror of public speaking. *and there's no one else in the room with me*



When I blogged about that day, I told everyone that I had made the video but said it felt too personal to share. It still does in a way. I say I'm not nervous but I clearly am; probably more of talking on camera than the surgery, though! My mind was racing. I remember that. I got my starting weight wrong! And I almost started to cry at the end but kept it together.

I was totally ready to change my life. At that moment, I had every hope that by the next morning, I would be well on my way to wellness. To happiness and health. And it worked!

By this time - July 2010 - I had expected to be at my goal weight. I'm not quite there but 25 pounds will come off by fall (I hope) and I will strive to continue this lifestyle forever. It's like any addiction. I'm never cured but remain in recovery. One meal at a time. One forkful at a time if necessary.

Just to recap:
Starting weight - 444
Present weight - 219
Goal weight - 194

My way of doing that is to follow one basic rule: All things in moderation. I'm not about to become a health food nut or an exercise junkie. I have other, more important things to do - like lie in bed on Sundays with my husband, attend concerts, watch scary movies, WRITE, and so on. I intend to have fun. If that means an occasional slice of pizza or skipping a workout here and there then so be it. I have to find a way to balance the things I love with my desire for health. I firmly believe one goes hand in hand with the other. And I believe we really can have it all so long as we understand we can't have it all at ONCE. The 80/20 rule is important. You can be (slightly) bad 20% of the time as long as you're good the other 80.

I complain sometimes about not being able to eat a Kit Kat Chunky, my sagging skin or whatever but my god. I would do July 7, 2009 over in a fucking heartbeat. I consider that my rebirth - another birthday of sorts. I was very lucky in that I had no serious complications beyond nausea and slight depression and I'm terribly grateful for that. So maybe it's easier for me to tout the rewards of gastric bypass than others not so fortunate as me. But when I think about what this weight loss has done for my life I can get a bit overwhelmed with emotion. It was worth every single thing I had to go through.

Many thanks go out to all of my family and friends for their unwavering support, even when I was being a whiny brat. I love you all so much! Starting this blog was the best idea I could've had because it's kept me in touch with all of you and has allowed me to vent and/or celebrate with a few keystrokes, thereby allowing me to get my emotions under control and gain renewed perspective. You have all helped me immeasurably with those endeavors. Again, thanks is not enough.

I've done things this past year that I have only dreamed about and I still have lots more to experience. This has been my year of living well. Of living out loud! Of living to celebrate and not merely existing in this world. For most of my life, I was living in black and white but now it's allll glorious Technicolor.

By and large, I think I have succeeded in meeting my goals. Here's to many more years of living.

The turning point

My workouts with Jennifer are going well. I'm really starting to feel the burn, now; she is REALLY excited about that. LOL! She seems to get enjoyment out of seeing me sweat, which is funny to me. She knows what is best and lord knows - sweat and sore muscles are what we're after. So it's all good.

I had coffee the other night with one of you - my readers. I hate to reduce the relationship to that word - "reader". I prefer "friend". She lives very close to me, coincidentally, and we decided to get together. It was a wonderful experience and we talked and talked for 2-1/2 hours before we realized how late it was getting. She is a Bo Bice fan as well so we got along famously! Still very new in the process of gastric bypass, she had lots of questions for me and one in particular struck me as I realized I hadn't really blogged about it before.

What was the final thing to push me over the edge and decide to have this surgery?

I thought for a moment before answering. Really, I'm not sure there was a single one thing. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. There was prodding, though.

Last summer, a family friend had the procedure done about 30 mins. away, by a local doctor. Intrigued, I decided to call his office for an appointment even though the friend had said she was sure there was a lengthy waiting list. She herself had to wait about a year. So I called, and the receptionist told me that not only was the dr. not accepting new patients, he had halted his waiting list for at least a year. She told me, "Next summer we will review whether or not we will start the waiting list up again." Oh. Ok. So I had to wait another year to MAYBE get on the waiting list. This was one of the only doctors in Ontario to do the procedure; the rest had waiting lists of two to three years.

I was really devastated by this news. It depressed me for a couple of days. My ray of hope was snuffed out like a candle.

Ironically enough, the woman I had coffee with the other night is now a patient of this dr. Ontario has released more money to doctors who perform the surgery and I suppose now he's hired more help or something because he is accepting patients readily. Great news for her!

I put the gastric bypass on the back burner. But several occurrences last summer made me realize I had to do something and do it quickly.

In June, Erich and I traveled to Rochester, NY to see Lynyrd Skynyrd with friends. There was a hellacious hill we had to climb to get to the seating area. It damn near killed me to go up that hill. I almost didn't make it. I was embarrassed and so angry.

In July, I flew to Maryland for two Bo shows with three close girlfriends. Walking was getting to be such a hassle. I couldn't stand in the lines for the general admission shows; I could barely stand long enough for the concerts; after the second show, I was badly dehydrated, my knees buckling and back breaking, and my heart was racing. I plopped down near the edge of the dance floor and guzzled two bottles of water. I remember thinking "This is ridiculous."

In August, Erich and I traveled to Cleveland, again for a Bo show. The ONLY reason I went to this show was because I knew there were assigned seats. I had made up my mind that my general-admission-show days were over. I just couldn't do it anymore. My knees had been bothering me really badly since my trip to Maryland and for the Cleveland show, I had no choice but to take my cane - just to get from the parking lot to my seat. I ended up standing for his encore and for those few minutes, I thought I was going to collapse. It was awful. I remember coming home and looking at pictures of myself at that show and crying. What the hell was happening to me??

Erich & me in Cleveland (click to enlarge):


I was depressed for a while. It took me another couple months to get my shit together. I had heard about Henry Ford Hospital's bariatric program several years before and sort of tucked that information away in my mind. Now I pulled it back out. I talked to my family dr. about it. I got the necessary paperwork filled out and sent it in. I was approved for the out-of-country procedure and the rest is history.

Sometimes us Bo Peeps talk about how much Bo, and being a part of such a close fandom, has brought to our lives. Well.....I kinda think Bo Bice saved my life. If not for him, and all the wonderful friends I've made through him, I most likely would've been sitting on my couch and not traipsing all over North America trying with all my might to be active and to just LIVE. I doubt I would've noticed, or cared as much, that I couldn't stand up for hours at a time. My weight was preventing me from doing something I love more than anything - something that requires me to get out there and enjoy life. I wasn't enjoying my life anymore. Being a Bo fan helped me to see that. It wasn't the only thing, but those trips last summer really put an exclamation point on it for me. I was slowly dying and if I wanted to continue traveling, laughing, dancing, singing - kissing my husband goodnight and loving my full, precious life - I had to make some changes.

So thank you, Bo. And thank you to all my fellow Bo Peeps. I owe you!

The next phase

I made it to Detroit in one piece yesterday...barely.

I got started really early. My appt. was at 4 and I left home about noon. It's about a 2-1/2 to 3 hour drive to Detroit from my place so I figured this would be cake. Um, no. Everything was fine till I got to Windsor (a.k.a. Construction Hell). Man alive! Took me a while to get to the border. THEN when I got there, I was treated to armed guards and drug- and/or bomb-sniffing dogs patrolling the line-up. These guards were serious. Tapping on people's windows - who were still in line to talk to security, mind you - and asking that trunks be opened, keys surrendered, etc. They got on their stomachs and were looking under cars; led dogs around and around the perimeters. Looking for what, I have no idea. I rarely see stuff like that and I cross the border pretty frequently. It was like they were looking for something - or someone - specific. They didn't bother me much. I guess I looked safe. Ha! Still took awhile to get across. I walked into the dr's office at 3:58. Phew.

My blood pressure was sky high, but I assured them that was not normal and was no doubt a result of the last hour or so of the trip! LOL! Then, I guess according to Dr. Genaw's ledger, my appt. time was 3:10; he thought I didn't show up and LEFT!! They had to call him to come back. Good grief! Poor guy. My little appt. card definitely said 4 p.m. Anyway, it all worked out in the end.

The appointment went well and he was pleased about my progress/weight loss, especially the disappearance of the diabetes, high blood pressure and sleep apnea. I don't have to go back now till next July, for my yearly check-up! Yay! I still need to get bloodwork every three months and keep him posted, but I don't have to go back to Detroit.

The gastric bypass program at Henry Ford has a "100-Pound Club" of sorts. It's for people who have lost more than 100 pounds. Dr. Genaw wants me to come back for an induction ceremony into that club. His associate took down my information and they are supposed to contact me when the next one rolls around. I told Erich about this, explaining that it's a long drive and I didn't necessarily need to go. He totally insisted that I go participate. A friend of mine agreed, saying I had literally worked my ass off and deserved to go be honored in this way. Ok, yeah. I do. So I'll go and be proud of myself. I am proud of myself.

Dr. Genaw could not wipe the grin off his face during our appointment. I wrote, when we first met, about his noticeably strong handshake. Yesterday, he shook my hand about four times - strongly, happily and it felt great.

On my way home, I drove alongside the setting sun. It was a little cloudy and oh my what colors! Many shades of blue - denim, robin's egg, slate and azure. Gray and white, with punches of orange, red, purple and yellow. It was so beautiful that I started to cry, grateful I could see it. I sometimes feel like I cheated death by losing weight. When I think of what I almost gave up just so I could have a second piece of cake, a half an extra-large pizza or a third helping from a Chinese buffet, it makes me emotional and sappy. I'm more appreciative of the small stuff now. I was reminded how silly things like wrinkles are (see last blog).

Tomorrow night, I start working with Jennifer at the gym! I'm a mix of terrified and excited. I'm going to really try to view her as someone who is helping me achieve my goals. Someone who is helping me live. And I will really try (no matter how pissed I get with her) to surrender to her greater knowledge of what is best for me.

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

The title of this blog comes from the theme song to the show The Biggest Loser, which is now in its 3rd week on NBC. I encourage anyone reading this blog to tune into that show. Last season was the first time I'd ever watched it and it helped me, motivated me, soooo much pre-op when I was losing the 40 lbs. Dr. Genaw asked of me. I jogged (a few feet!) because I saw people on there nearly as big as I was doing it. It's very cool.

There's a guy, Daniel, on this season who was there last season, too. He's lost well over 100 lbs., but got cut early last time. His partner just wasn't serious, in my opinion, and Daniel suffered as a result. He's only 19 and last season, he weighed in at 454 lbs. Very close to my 444. This season, he started at 312 - and I'm at 313! So I identify a lot with Daniel. I see his struggles and support him 100% - along with all the other contestants of course. If you tune in, keep a box of tissues handy. Just sayin'.

I weighed myself on Sunday and saw a loss of three. At 313, I've lost 131 lbs. total. Now, I've weighed myself early in the week before, only to see a lb. or two come back on by Friday, so we'll see how that goes! Plus I will weigh in at Henry Ford tomorrow.

I head to Detroit tomorrow for my next post-op follow up with Dr. Genaw. I got a copy of my most recent bloodwork today and everything looks pretty tickety-boo. There are a few things that tested higher than normal and after some research on Google, I learned they have to do with my liver. Hm. Not sure what's up but I guess we'll see tomorrow. My family doctor wasn't concerned with anything on those test results, so that's good news.

My trainer, Jennifer, and I have FINALLY connected and I start my sessions with her on Friday after work. It was a crazy, drawn-out process but she called me Monday at work and we scheduled all 12 of my sessions. Yes, I went ahead and got the 12 instead of the 6. I figure I'll never see these prices again so I went for it. I know this will be one of the hardest things I've ever done but I'm so ready to get started! I'm anxious to do this and see some results.

I'm starting to have issues with my new body - I'm a little concerned that I'll actually look worse when all this is over than I did before! Wrinkles and sagging are appearing. Not fun and not attractive. My health is much better but I'm not so sure I look better naked! LOL! I'm hoping the gym will help. Now all I need is a winning lottery ticket for plastic surgery at the end of the road. Anybody have one they'd like to give me??? ;) Vanity also isn't attractive so this is something I'm struggling with.

So what have you done today to make you feel proud? Me, well, I walked for 30 mins. tonight after work. I got in all my vitamins, supplements and protein. I've done 2 loads of laundry! I've made a list of everything I need for Detroit (passport included!!). I made a big pot of my good friend Lisa's potato cheese soup (delish). Not too bad for today.

Approaching milestone

I've been gone for a few days - I went home to Ohio for our family reunion. Usually, I'm there for over a week but I decided to only go for a few days this time. Since my grandmother's death, I was afraid this might be the last get-together. I was exhausted and still recovering from surgery but I decided I needed to make the trip.

It was good to be home, even for a short while. Everyone commented on my weight loss - and I was just there in late May for grandma's funeral so I guess the metamorphosis is happening quickly. My mother insisted on taking me shopping for some new clothes. What a whole new world already! In the past, I would look for things I could wear, not necessarily what I liked. I might take 3 or 4 things in the biggest size the store carried into the dressing room with me. Nine times out of 10, I wouldn't be able to wear a thing. This time, I had room to move up or down a size and had to pick and choose things to buy because I could wear everything I tried on. Wow, that's pretty cool. And my feet are shrinking right along with the rest of me. Interesting!

We drove onto Ohio after I went to my re-scheduled appointment at Henry Ford on Wednesday. Evidently I'm still doing everything right, which is a relief. I'm really afraid of screwing this up. LOL! I was told I wasn't eating or drinking enough, though. I never thought anyone would ever tell me I wasn't eating enough! So I need to up my caloric intake but it's hard. I'm rarely hungry and still can't eat much more than 1/4 cup at a time. The drinking is a whole 'nother thing. The math doesn't add up, dude. How can I get in 64 oz. a day when I can't drink 30 min. before or after meals and they want me to eat 5 times a day?? Plus I can't drink much at one time, soooo....I'm lost. I guess I'll just do the best I can.

My weigh-in went well and I now know that, as of today, I have lost 97 lbs. I'm using a different, lesser-capacity scale at home and it's more in line with the scale at Henry Ford so hopefully I won't get confused anymore about my total weight loss :-)

The 100-lb. milestone will be here before I know it. I want my tattoo! I've talked about getting a tat to commemorate the whole Bo Bice experience for years. A baby chick, or something 'peep' related. *Bo refers to his fans as Bo Peeps* I am definitely not interested in getting his name, initials, picture or anything like that - um, no. I love the man, but I love my husband more and I think that's disrespectful to him. The peep is Erich approved, however. LOL! There's a guy here locally, Tim, who's tattooed and pierced many people we know and love (including Erich) so he is the one I will go to when the time comes. I already have one tattoo and it HURT. A lot. So this is a big deal for me, getting another one!

Thanks bunches for hanging in there with me! I know I have several new subscribers so 'hey'! *waves irrationally* The blogspot subscriber thing is weird. I have 'followers', which can be seen at the side of entries, and I have subscribers - who number far more than the followers. I wish there was a way to combine them?? Probably is and I'm too dunce to figure it out. Ah well. Welcome everyone and I love ya'll!

Surgery week, part two

There are good nurses and bad nurses. Man, on Wednesday I had some bad ones on the dayshift. They just acted like they weren't listening to me, didn't know what they were doing, but when they talked to me it was with a condescending and superior tone. There are few things I hate worse than being talked down to. I'm a very intelligent woman. There's no need to treat me like a two-year-old.

Here's just one example: They took me off the morphine pump and brought in liquid pain reliever - Tylenol 3. That has codeine in it; codeine makes me very nauseous. So I told them that. The nurse smiled and shook her head at me. "Oh, you should've told someone" was the response. Hello? How would I know they would be giving me codeine? Then she continued to open it up, left it on my table and walked out! HELLO??? Erich had to go get someone. Another person came in: "Are you allergic to Tylenol?" NO! Holy crap... "Um no. But codeine makes me nauseous." I swear it damn near took an act of Congress to get me something else. Then they also spoke to me in medical terms. Yes, I'm intelligent but I didn't go to medical school. Layman's terms, please. Yeesh.

But, I did have my favorites. A young, African-American guy who took my vital signs and blood. He was on nights and he'd come in, especially that first night, almost every hour on the hour. When he'd come for blood, I took to calling him "Blackula" - I mean, the dude sneaks into my room in the middle of the night for my blood! He was cool, though. Very funny and personable. And there was an older lady, a nurse from just across the border in Windsor, who was also very sweet. She was the one who went into my room, tossed the Tylenol 3 down the drain and told the first nurse "We can get her something else." Ya think?

Wednesday went well. Trays of broth, Jell-O, diluted juice and tea were brought to me. They would leave them there pretty much all the time because it takes so long for us gastric bypass patients to eat. The hospital supplied us with 1-oz. cups to pour the stuff in so we could keep track of how much we were eating. These were very much like the ones I bought at the dollar store (30/$1.00). As much as I could, probably every 90 mins. or so, I'd get up and walk the halls. It got easier every time I did it and it was good to get up out of bed.

Dr. Genaw came to see me Wednesday, trailing two physician's assistants. The female of the two, well, again...don't talk down to me and work on your bedside manner. That's all I'm gonna say. But she did call my family doctor before I was released and managed to get me an appointment the next day which is no easy feat in Ontario. So she gets props for that.

Dr. Genaw told me the surgery went very well, but my enlarged liver did pose some problems. I was having pain near the center of my chest; not heart related, but I wasn't sure what it was. Well, he explained that was where the retractor was and he had to keep pulling it to try and get around my liver. Ahh. Ok. He said he was in the OR saying "I'm so glad she lost the 70 lbs., imagine the trouble we'd be having if she hadn't." So I was very glad to have lost all the pre-op weight. But he also told me that as I got smaller, so would my liver. It would self correct. I saw a commercial on tv last night, a public service announcement, saying that the damage done to one's liver from improper eating habits is much the same as from alcohol abuse. Food for thought, so to speak.

I was released Thursday. Erich and I were already paid up til Friday in the residence, so we decided to stay till the morning and head back home. I had brought Jell-O, broth and protein shakes with me from him anticipating this, so I just continued what I had been doing in the hospital.

Laura (twnk) came to see me Thursday afternoon! It was good to see a friend. She brought me the most awesome little pink feathered gift bag filled with all kinds of goodies. Thanks to all who helped her with that. You know who you are and I love you dearly.

Trip home Friday was uneventful. Everyone at home was surprised to see me up and walking around so soon, even my own family doctor. This procedure has grown by leaps and bounds in the past 10 to 20 years. I'm very grateful that I had such a skilled surgeon and am doing so well.

Surgery week, part one

Well, I'm now 4 days post op and I feel pretty good. I'm having a few stumbling blocks here and there but that's to be expected. I want to go back, for those readers getting ready to have the surgery, and explain what last week was like for me. This will be a long one. Bear with me!

Monday, July 6

Erich and I arrive in Detroit and go to my final weigh-in. I've finished my 6-day liquid diet and am on my 1-day clear fluids plan. So far so good. Yes, I was hungry. I never was NOT hungry; of course, that's just me. Some people say it's a breeze and others have different experiences. When I got on the scale, there was no reaction from the aide so I didn't think much about it. We are led into an examining room and wait. Wanda, the nurse who is in charge of coordinating the wants and needs of us Canadian patients, bursts in the room. She said "Can I just tell you that this is amazing??" She's pointing to my chart, which has 73.3 on it in big letters, circled. She goes on and on about how wonderful that number is. First she says she wants to shake my hand, then insists on giving me a hug. "That's a lot of hard work there. That's incredible." All I could do was mumble "thank you" over and over. I was a little overwhelmed and shocked. Wow. I guess it never hit me what I had accomplished until then.

Another nurse came in and told me she gave my chart to Wanda because she was also so impressed with my pre-op weight loss. "I just had to show her. Dr. Genaw is still on vacation but I'm leaving it on his desk so he sees it first thing when he comes back in the morning." Again...wow! So Cindy is already in a good mood. I listened to her tell me things I already knew about the procedure and signed some paperwork. Done.

Then we went to the cafeteria so Erich could have lunch. I had sugar-free lemon Jell-O. Just as drek as it sounds! Then we went across the courtyard and checked into our room at the apartment building on the Henry Ford campus.

We took some pictures on the balcony to compare with ones we had taken back in February, when we first visited the hospital. I actually had the same shirt on but I didn't plan it that way! It's just one of my favorite shirts :)

I've never been able to see my weight loss before. I see it in my clothes of course, but when I look in the mirror, I see the same person from last year or whatever. Then I looked at these two pictures and well, yeah, ok. I have lost some weight. Click thumbnails to enlarge:

Feb. 2009:

July 2009:

Later on that night, we decided to head down the street to Hitsville, USA, the original site of Motown Records. There was an impromptu shrine for Michael Jackson and I couldn't imagine being so close and not checking it out. No matter what went on in the last decade of his life, MJ was an ICON. I choose to remember the man I knew: the singer, the dancer, the pioneer, the humanitarian....not someone no one has ever proven he was. I'm a fan. When he died, a part of my childhood went with him. It was very touching to see all the memorials left for him there. Here are a few pics:



I made a video that day, but I don't know when I'll be ok sharing it. I was alone and I just set the camera up, moved in front of it, and spoke about how I was feeling. It feels too personal right now.

Tuesday, July 7

Surgery day. I am strangely calm. I thought I'd be a nervous wreck, crying and second guessing myself.

We checked in at surgery pre-op and waited for them to mangle our last name. We knew to go to the desk when we heard anything with a "sh" sound at the beginning. Someone led us back to a long room lined with beds on either wall. You know, with curtains in between. They handed me a gown that actually FIT plus those socks with rubber on the bottom. I got into it and hopped up on the most uncomfortable "bed" I've ever been on in my life. My back was killing me within a half hour.

Medical personnel drifted in and out of the cubicle, asking me the same questions over and over. I did a urine test (for pregnancy, I think) and they put in my IV port. That HURT. It hurt going in and it hurt in my hand till after the surgery. As I've said before though - I have a low pain threshold. The anesthesiologist came in. He asked if I had any questions.

"All I want to know is, if I'm going to be asleep when you put the tube down my throat."
"Oh yes. I don't like to do that on people who are awake."
"Good. Then we'll get along just fine."

We waited for what seemed like hours - indeed it was about a half hour past my surgery time - before Dr. Genaw finally made an appearance. We talked for a few seconds then he told me I broke the record at Henry Ford for pre-op weight loss. Again....WOW! Stunned, really. Couldn't believe it. He congratulated me then thanked me for making his work a little easier. LOL!

Soon it was time for Erich to kiss me goodbye. I handed him my wedding set and he put it on his pinky; I winked at him on the way out. I was fine. Not really nervous or anything. Trust me, no one is more surprised by that than me. I tend to freak out first and ask questions later. But I am learning patience. Slowly.

I got into the operating room and they asked me to "hop" onto the operating table. "I don't hop." I explained. HOP?? Seriously? Come on... But I scooted over then they had me scoot several more times till I was in the perfect position. My arms went out at my sides onto little tables and they put a mask on me. The anesthesiologist said "I will tell you when the actual meds come thru the mask, ok?" That is the last thing I remember before waking up in recovery - in hideous pain. Not from the incisions or surgery. Again, it was my back. OMG, my poor back. Those fucking operating tables are torture devices. Horrible. I kept writhing and wincing - they thought my incisions were hurting me and I had to keep repeating over and over "It's my back...it's my back."

Erich was waiting for me when I got to my room. He kissed me over and over and someone came in to give me a "welcome to the ward" goodie bag. Ok. Whatever. I hit the morphine pump and went to sleep.

I don't remember a lot after that except they hooked up those bootie thingys to my calves that massage you to prevent blood clots. And about 9 p.m., they started on me to get up and walk. So I did. I did a single lap around the nurses' station and they were very pleased with that.

More to come - I'm documenting this for myself and for those who will experience it. I know I would want to know exactly what to expect. All in all, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, pain-wise. My back felt better that evening but my incisions never gave me much aggravation. My pain level never went above a 3 or 4 out of 10. So don't worry, it's all good.

The Home Stretch

Thanks again so much for all your continued support.

Today is day 5 on my liquids and yes, I'm still hungry! Dr. Genaw told me "after a couple days, you won't feel hungry; this is also what hunger strike participants say." Um, hells NO. I'm still hungry. Like I said, it ebbs and flows, but it's there. I'm doing ok, don't get me wrong, but I'd love to have something to eat. The protein shakes, Jell-O and popsicles aren't really cutting it. It's tough, but bearable. I'm just trying my best to keep busy, which is also hard because I'm pretty weak and tire easily at this point.

I went out yesterday to get a few incidentals I'll need post-op and it completely wore me out. Erich and I are thinking of going to see Hitsville, USA in Detroit tomorrow (he discovered it's literally just down the street from Henry Ford), but I'm not sure I'll be up to it. Maybe when I go back for my first post-op checkup.

I linked my Twitter account to my cell phone so I should be able to update my status even from my hospital bed. Also, my Twitter is linked with Facebook, so any updates will appear on both sites at the same time. So many people have asked to be updated about how I'm doing - family and friends - and this is the best way since we can't really call too many people. The roaming charges on our Canadian phone would be outrageously expensive.

Yesterday, I had the great pleasure of speaking to someone who has gone through this process and is on the other side, successful. I didn't know she'd had the surgery till recently. I think now we are going to become good friends. She was very comforting and answered any and all questions I had, as well as letting me know I could contact her again. It's really nice to have that. I will be forever grateful to her kindness and willingness to share.

I just finished a book called Before & After: Living and Eating Well After Weight-Loss Surgery by Susan Maria Leach. I highly recommend it to anyone getting ready to go through this surgery. I found it months ago at a second-hand bookstore and it sat on a shelf till about a week ago. The first quarter sort of reads like this blog, with dated entries about her daily struggles and triumphs. The second three-quarters contains invaluable nutritional information and recipes. Ms. Leach runs the website http://bariatriceating.com/ where she also sells bariatric products. I haven't tried any of those, but her book is wonderful.

I'm heading out tomorrow with great expectations of a whole new life. I know I can get there!

July 7

I'm kinda buzzing right now! I feel really good, like I have something to celebrate, something to look forward to. I'm going out for drinks in a little bit to raise a toast to my new life. *clink*

So when I got on the scales this morning, I had the 1-lb. weight loss. I was pretty upset, but I figured it would be ok. Well, when I got to Detroit and hopped on the scale at Dr. Genaw's office, the reading was different by minus 3 lbs. That meant I'd really lost 4 - a total weight loss of 42 pounds since Feb. 9. In the words of Dr. Genaw himself...

WHOO-HOO!!!

LOL! Yeah, he let out a whoop for me when he saw the numbers. Every time I see him, I like him more. He's congenial, funny and he talks like he knows what the hell he's doing. All good things.

My surgery date is July 7. I will go to Henry Ford Hospital on the 6th for my weigh-in and pre-op stuff. I'll be off work for a month. Smack dab in the middle of summer, when everyone in my dept. will want vacation. No two of us can have time off at the same time. I hate that, but there's nothing I can do about it. If it wasn't in July, it may have been postponed till Sept. - I don't want to wait that long. I've waited my whole life for this. It's time to think about ME.

My Bo friends will appreciate this little story. The hospital gives all patients a blue binder to put all the info and appointments throughout the whole process in so you can keep it together and straight. There's a clear sleeve on the front and back. I kept grabbing it and when I'd open it, it'd be upside down or backwards. So I put an autographed pic of Bo in the front sleeve so I'd know which way to hold it and open it. Today, we saw a data collection agent at the hospital - which is just someone who gathers all the info on you for pre-op. I handed her my binder and she rubs the cover with Bo's picture and says, all dreamy like, "Ohhhh....Bo Bice...I like him." Then she giggled. LMAO! He does tend to have that effect on women, huh? That's The Bice Effect. ;-) Then she and I discussed the fabulous-ness of Adam Lambert. Heh.

Dr. Genaw didn't give me another goal to work towards for the pre-op weigh-in. He just said "Keep it up." But I think I'll set a goal for myself - maybe 30 or 35 lbs. It's 10 more weeks, about the same amount of time it took me to lose the 42 I just lost. I'll have to think about it.

So that's my report! I feel good, dude. It's all good.

Crunch time

Well, the good news is I lost five more pounds. So that's a total of 38 - two more to go to reach the goal. The bad news is, I only have one week left. So next Friday when I get on the scale, I need to see a two-pound loss. Also on that day, Erich and I will be making the drive to Detroit to see Dr. Genaw and get my surgery date.

As the appointment with Dr. Genaw grows closer, I find myself getting nervous about the surgery itself. It will be done laparoscopically and I'll be in the hospital three to four days. Then I'll enter a period gastric bypass patients lovingly refer to as "Hell Week". Now, I don't want to ever be voluntarily involved in anything comparable to being engulfed in fire and brimstone. This is why I never became a Navy Seal (har har).

There is a message board on Yahoo for Canadian gastric bypass patients at Henry Ford. People have said, about Hell Week, "I've never been in so much pain in my life." These are people who have given birth. Note I've never done that, either. I'm kind of a wuss when it comes to pain.

Then there's the psychological aspect of not being able to eat. For one week before and up to three weeks after the surgery, you don't eat. Just liquids - broth, Jell-O, popsicles. Supposedly, post-op, you are not physically hungry. Well, I often eat when I'm not "physically hungry". That could be one of the biggest challenges. It's a long time to not be able to eat ANYTHING. Then after the liquids, it's soft food only. It will be up to seven weeks post-op before I can start to eat somewhat normally again.

Everyone I talk to who has had the surgery says all that crap is worth it in the end. I intellectually know that, but these blogs might get mighty bitchy around week 3 (or week 1) when Cindy has had nothing to eat but Jell-O and chicken broth. Should be interesting to see how I respond to that.

A lot of people have asked me if I'm nervous. Hell yes I am. But I'm more nervous about having a heart attack and dying by the time I'm 45. Desperate times call for desperate measures. The one thing I'm glad about is that no one has accused me, yet, of taking the "easy way out". I have read nothing about this surgery indicating there's anything easy about it.

On another note, I'm really starting to feel my weight loss. My pants are much bigger now; my rings are falling off my fingers. I'm tightening the straps on my bras (TMI?). I get full so much quicker now. Last night the weather was so beautiful up here we decided to have a barbecue. I ate a cheeseburger for the first time in 2 months. Just one - plus a hot dog and a tiny piece of chicken. I was stuffed. Two months ago, I would've had no problem eating 2 burgers, 2 hot dogs and a piece of chicken or two.

I notice little things like that and it gives me strength. Lets me know maybe I can really do this. I'm scared, but I feel like this is my last shot to be healthy so I'm gonna go for it.

Much ado about nothing

So I went to Detroit and Henry Ford Hospital for my 3 appointments on Tuesday. Erich went with me - he works nights so he came home, didn't go to sleep, then waited for me to get up at 5 a.m. so we could leave by 6. My first appointment was at 11 a.m. and you never know what kind of line/scene might be waiting at the border so we had to have plenty of travel time.

It went really well. I worried a lot over nothing (as usual). LOL! They were all really happy with my weight loss and kept telling me how amazing that was. I guess it's just starting to sink in that maybe it really IS an amazing feat. 34 lbs. in two months is pretty good.

The psychologist visit, first up, was fine. She asked me A LOT of questions and we delved into everything from stress at work to problems with the kid to me not remembering periods of my childhood to my Bo obsession. LOL! She was tickled about that, absolutely knew who he was (I'm always thrilled when people remember him...and most do) and told me being a part of a group like that and letting loose at shows, being with friends, was a wonderful thing for my psyche. I already could've told her that. :) I guess I seemed fairly sane to her. LMAO! I can also go back anytime I like or if I feel like I'm just not myself. The whole process of this surgery, pre-op to weight loss, is very, very stressful. She said 'You're an educated woman and you know when you need some help. It's up to you to ask for it.' True enough.

The medical clearance dr. just asked me a bunch of questions and went over everything I'd already told my surgeon (Dr. Genaw) back in February. Almost everything she asked me I said 'no' to. Finally I said 'I guess I've been lucky' - not to have more health problems than I do, that is. She goes 'Yes, you have been. You're a young woman, though and when you have this surgery and lose your weight, you will be fine.' She did a physical exam and stuff. I've always been worried about my heart. My lower legs swell easily and pink up - worried about that. She looked at all my tests and checked out my legs, etc. I was in there for a long time. Anyway, at the end she told me everything looked fine and cleared me for the surgery. She told me I was pretty healthy and active for someone my size. So I was glad to hear that.

The exercise assessment was NOTHING. I mean, I was picturing having to run on a treadmill or something with a personal trainer screaming at me to 'keep going'!! No, we met in her office and she asked me a bunch of questions. She was very pleased about my swimming and walking but told me to try and increase the amount of exercise I did. She said I could try chair exercises a few days a week in addition to what I already do, since the pain factor is what keeps me from doing more. Chair exercises are good for people with arthritis and back issues.

So all in all, it couldn't have gone any better! I guess I'm sane, fairly healthy and am doing pretty much everything right with my diet and exercise. *whew* Now I just have to lose those last 6 pounds before the 24th and Dr. Genaw will give me my surgery date.

As always, thanks so much for the support. I don't know how I'd get through this process without all of you.

Three dates on Tuesday

This Tuesday, I go to Detroit for my appointments with a psychologist, exercise specialist and the medical clearance doctor at Henry Ford. Not worried about medical clearance. Not TOO worried about the psychologist (though Erich tells me that's the one he's worried about...LOL) but the exercise specialist? Yeah, a little concerned.

Supposedly, she will determine how fit I am. It's called an "exercise assessment". Um, what? What does that mean? I keep picturing Jillian from The Biggest Loser shrieking "I don't care if it hurts!!! Give me 10 more!!! Push yourself!!! You're a baby!! You're a quitter!!" Dude, I'll have to hurt the chick. Seriously. My personality doesn't lend itself well to that stuff. This is why I never joined a sports team, the army, etc. I immediately push back against someone pushing me. Which is good and bad, I suppose.

Erich pointed out that they do this surgery on people in walkers and stuff. Which is true because even when I was there before, there were definitely people in walkers and on oxygen. So if they can pass this "assessment", then maybe I shouldn't be so concerned.

The shrink should be interesting. Listen: I have issues. I know we all do, but people in my situation have SERIOUS issues or we wouldn't be in this situation. At least that's how I see it. I recognize some of mine and am working on others. What I'm concerned about is what will this guy bring out in me that I don't realize or know about? I scared but also intrigued and excited. I cry easily and I worry that might be construed as a weakness...if I get too emotional he might tell me I need to work on things before I can be cleared for the surgery. Yikes.

I guess we'll have to see how it goes. I'm more concerned about these 3 appointments than I am about meeting my weight loss goal and seeing Dr. Genaw on the 24th! I haven't been sleeping well. I need to chill out.

I lost 4 pounds last week for a total of 34. Six more to lose by the 24th. Keep crossing your fingers! I love each and every one of you. :)