Habits of highly successful people

In the past year or so, I've let old habits creep back into my life and I have the regain to show for it. These past couple of weeks, my focus hasn't been on weight loss specifically, but to break those habits once again.

I had started doing sabotaging things like bringing unhealthy food into the house, regretting it, then rationalizing "Well, it's here, I'll eat it but won't buy any more." It sounds so ridiculous coming from someone who worked so hard to lose 250 pounds, but that's what I was doing. Sometimes I'd pick up a candy bar at the checkout. The vending machine at work, where I work ALONE at night, I might add, was a major draw. So I'm trying to break those habits once again and succeeding very well, I think. Down seven pounds, I'm pretty happy with the results so far, both on the scale and in my brain.

A return to common sense is what's needed here. That's all, nothing more. I do hate it when weight-loss gurus and internet "experts" who comment on weight-loss stories say in frustration, "Just eat less, move more and don't eat junk. It's simple!" It's NOT simple. If it was, no one would have a weight problem. So while it is a matter of common sense, it's not that easy. But I do believe in setting up your surroundings for success. It's not a matter of "just because it's there doesn't mean you have to eat it." People who have a healthy relationship with food say shit like that. For the rest of us, we have to create common sense mindfully. We have to work at it.

I'm no longer sure I'll ever have a normal, healthy relationship with food. When I started this journey, I said all I wanted was to be normal. I wanted to not have to think about food all the fucking time. I mean, think about that; to ensure success, we have to put a lot of thought into it. No other addiction is like that in the way it is with food. We have to constantly think about and carefully plan how much of our crack we can have. Over the years, we can hope to develop good habits and I think most of us do, but it's soooooo easy to fall off that wagon. The world around us is set up for us to fail. We must be mindful at all times. That kinda sucks, but that's just the way it is. Try to find out what triggers you and avoid it as much as you can. I read on bariatric websites and Facebook pages where patients say things like "I now eat because I have to, not because I want to." Lemme tell ya something - that will never be me! LOL! I still love to eat. I will have to be very careful for the rest of my life. And I wonder if people who say things like that ever had an actual food addiction or maybe they've had severe complications with their surgery and it hinders their ability to eat. I dunno. All I know is I find that VERY strange to hear from our community. Kudos to them, but that's not me.

So...breaking bad habits. Yes, that's working. Cross your fingers for me.

Erich and I are moving in late June and over Canada Day weekend. We found a sweet little house with three bedrooms. The basement is rented out, but we will have two floors and full use of the garage, as many as three cars in the driveway and the backyard. I have wanted out of this apartment for YEARS! Yay! We're excited but stressed out about the move, mainly because we can't find many people available to help us over the long weekend. Erich and I are not overflowing with friends - we're both introverts and don't let people in easily - and family is fairly nonexistent so...it's a problem. Add in the fact that my lifting ability is hindered because I'm STILL recovering from this damn tummy tuck and we're starting to feel the stress. I told him I'll put on two binders (LOL) and we'll just do it. No matter what. And no stress eating for me!

My other mission this summer is to attempt to make peace with my batwings. That's the extra skin hanging off my upper arms, for those not familiar with the term. Unless there's a winning lottery ticket somewhere, that skin is staying put. Last weekend, I wore a sleeveless top - without a shrug or sweater! - out in public for the first time since my weight loss. It didn't kill me. People didn't stare, throw stones or chase me down the street with torches and pitchforks. I'm going to do my best to wear them more and more this summer. Swimsuits, however....no, I'm not there yet. The excess skin on my upper thighs is BAD. No, it's really bad. No one needs to see that! I will wear board shorts or something (it needs to be knee length).

But sleeveless, I'm going to try.

Re-gain and re-run

It's hard to believe I am coming up on the 3-year anniversary of my surgery. So many changes and yet so many things are the same. My husband refers to July 7 as my "re-birthday"; I am one of those cheesy people who often consider new years (January 1, birthdays, anniversaries) as a chance to push the re-set button on whatever needs to be tweaked. This year, as I approach my re-birthday, I know what needs to be done.

This journey never ends, it just changes. For me, I am dealing with a bit of regain and of course that needs to be stopped in its tracks. I've been struggling with it since last fall, when something happened that made the already overwhelming stress in my life just a bit more of a vivid stoplight red. I won't go into that but I definitely recognized the pathological, comfortable reaction for me was to medicate with my old frenemy food. The good thing is that I did recognize it and it hasn't gotten completely out of hand, but I feel like I need to start over a little bit. So I'm going back to 2009 in a few ways. I'm re-reading my faithful blue binder that the awesome team at Henry Ford Hospital gave to me. I'm looking within myself and remembering the reasons I did this and how it would feel to go back. NO going back. Ever. I'm even thinking of heading back to the pool. It helped me so much back then and was so much fun. I stopped going because I couldn't really afford a gym membership and pool time, but my gym membership is dirt cheap now so I'm going back into the water.

Complacency is an addict's worst enemy. So many of us get to goal and feel a fucked-up sense of entitlement, of "I'm thin now, so I can eat what I want." No, you can't. If the reformed drinker or smoker says that, the shit hits the fan. No different with me. Having said that, I have no desire to be a food Nazi. Life is more than 1200 calories a day, no sugar, no carbs, no fun. I can't just stop eating, so finding the sweet spot (no pun intended) can be difficult. So since last fall, I've lost some and gained, lost some and gained. I'm losing again at the moment and I'm determined to not let this shit beat me down.

Enough of that! Other topics:

Even three years out, I still struggle sometimes to remember that I've lost weight and people don't see me the way they did before the surgery. In some situations, my first reaction is to think about how humiliating an experience will be based on others' reaction to my presence. That's a very tough thing to overcome. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will.

Not too long ago I went to see singer/songwriter Levi Weaver at a so-called "house show". Literally, someone opens up their home to musicians and people come to feel the music. Levi is popular with some of my friends but I had never seen him perform live. Now, the thought of me going to someone's house and not knowing anyone at all in the room was more than a little terrifying. A bigger venue I can handle. It was the size of the "crowd" that got to me. What if there isn't room for me? I take up too much space, right? No one will talk to me. Who wants to talk to me?? Sometimes I feel like there's a voice in my head like the psycho mom in Carrie: "They're all gonna laugh at you!!" But I took a deep breath and remembered that I. Will. Be. Fine. I got great support from my friends and went. And it was awesome. Levi was wonderful, both offstage and on, and the whole thing made me wonder what I was so worried about. I discovered yet another thing that is no big deal. Just do it.

Erich and I celebrated our 11th anniversary at a dinner theatre/all-suite hotel in Mississauga called Stage West. Again, something I wouldn't have attempted before. I just would've felt very out of place in a setting like that. The seating would've freaked me out. Navigating my way through the tables would've been enough to keep me home. But it was a very nice time and we both loved the food, the play and the hotel. We got a great, GREAT deal so it's probably not something we would do again.

This time next week, I will have completed my second official 5K (I do them in the gym all the time but no one's counting those...LOL) when I go to London (Ontario...don't get too excited) and participate in the Father's Day Walk/Run for Prostate Cancer. Last fall, I did the CIBC Breast Cancer 5K in memory of my Aunt Betty and also to support all the other victims and caregivers of the disease. This time, I'm walking for my own father. My dad was only 49 when he was diagnosed and thanks to early detection, he is still with us today. I can't be with him next Sunday so this is my way of linking us together over the miles. I am fund-raising for this event - if you can, please click this link and give me, my dad, and all those touched by prostate cancer your support. I will do the breast cancer 5K again this year, but will not fund-raise for it. I figure one race a year is enough to bug people for money - and trust me, IT'S HARD to get people to donate to anything. Much harder than I expected! The rest of the year, I will do more 5Ks if I find them, but won't fund-raise.

I still can't run a 5K. My knees are pretty much bone on bone, so damaged from the arthritis that came about from my life of morbid obesity. But I wear braces on both knees and get on with it. And the other night, I ran more than I ever have and it was a pretty awesome feeling. I did a 5K at the gym yesterday and shaved about 10 minutes off the time I put up at the breast cancer race last October. So I feel good about that. I no longer wonder if I can finish; I just want my best time.

More stuff to get off my chest but that'll come later, maybe tomorrow. I don't want to write too long of a book here! I love you guys and thanks so much for all your kind wishes and support.

Re-gain, re-surgery?

Carnie Wilson has been in the news this week because she revealed that in January, she had a second bariatric procedure.

Carnie made headlines back in 1999 when she had Roux-en-Y gastric bypass surgery (the same procedure I had). Because of her openness regarding her journey, a lot of people were encouraged to go the same route she did and get the surgery themselves.

And now, 13 years later, she is dealing with her regain by having a lap band placed over her gastric pouch. And I say good for her.

The backlash to this latest surgery is very sad to me. Comments range from "get your lazy a** to a gym" to "how about putting the fork down and walking away" and "she took the easy way out again".

Once again..............people just. Don't. Get it. This is not about someone who needs to lose 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. It's not someone whose life would be awesome if she could just put down a second slice of pizza so she could get rid of the last stubborn 15 pounds of baby weight. We are not normal. It's a day-by-day fight not to slip down the rabbit hole and it's NOT the same as most people saying no to a doughnut at the office meeting. It's not the same. It's not the same. Lather, rinse, repeat.

While I feel for anyone who needs to lose weight (even 10 pounds isn't easy, trust me, I get that), the psyche of those of us who let it get to the point where we feel re-arranging our guts is the only answer to survival is just different. We think about food differently and need different levels of help dealing with it. I, personally, applaud her courage in not only concluding that she deserved and needed ongoing assistance in dealing with her addiction, but also her willingness to share it publicly absolutely knowing the terrible backlash that would be associated with her choice. To have bariatric surgery once is a controversy; to have it twice is unthinkable to those who haven't walked in her shoes.

Chronic food addiction is an incurable disease of the mind. It never goes away. Just like a supposedly "reformed" smoker may need several shots to get it right, an obese person needs the same sort of compassion and understanding. Rock stars go to rehab for drug and alcohol addition several times - what Carnie is doing is not much different. She is dealing with her addiction the best way she knows how in a way that works for her. And it is working...apparently she has lost 30 pounds since having the procedure.

GOOD FOR HER.

Her story is also a much-needed reminder that surgery is not a cure for obesity. There is always a chance of regaining some or all of the weight loss. I personally know someone who has had two procedures: a lap band many years ago and recently, a gastric bypass. Regain after surgery is particularly difficult. You think to yourself that if you fail after surgery, maybe you cannot succeed at anything. Some people who regain simply resign themselves to failure - at more than maintenance. So again, I applaud anyone who takes the bull by the horns and "regains" control of their lives. By any means necessary.

Kinda brings new meaning to that old sappy song, right?