Thursday, September 5, 2013

TT PTSD

I know it's been too long since my last entry, but I have a good reason. The feelings I'm having are a little complex, enough that I have been having trouble putting them into words.

So now I'm 24 days post-op from my tummy tuck (TT) and doing pretty well. Well, if you don't count the stun-gun zaps from nerve regeneration and the feeling like Mike Tyson has been using my abdomen for a sparring partner (muscle repair healing). There has also been a lot of itching. Not so much from the incision sites, but all over my torso. I stopped taking Percocets a while back and just take Tylenol as needed at this point, also Benadryl for the aforementioned weird itching. All of that has been been getting better the past couple of days, however, so I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

My next appointment with my surgeon is next Thursday, September 12 and I'm not looking forward to the drive to Scarborough. Sigh. I find I get tired pretty easily. When I go out, I want to come home as soon as possible...mostly to take a nap.

Then there's my binder. Ahhh, the binder. It's such a love/hate thing. I was cleared to stop using it at 3 weeks post op but...I feel like I still need it. I hate wearing it but I feel like my guts are gonna fall out if I don't. So yeah. Still wearing either it or tight Spanx for the most part.

From an emotional standpoint, I have ups and downs. Now, the expected reaction might be complete elation but well...it's more complicated than that, at least for me. You know how you finally remodel the kitchen that's been driving you crazy for years and while you're thrilled with the results, it also highlights the fact that you also really, really need a new sofa, window treatments and yeah...the bathroom needs work, too? That's kinda how it's been for me lately.

For most of my life, my stomach has been a huge area of concern. Referring to my lower abdomen as my "drop stomach", I sort of learned to work around it. I bought shirts that covered it as much as possible - long and loose. Finding a shirt that would hit the tops of my thighs (always my goal) could be very difficult for my 5'10" self. It's weird to say, but I got used to looking the way I did, I guess. But my stomach was a pain in my ass because it was so hard to clothe and it was always in the way. Lifting it up and out of my way to do even the most basic of hygiene tasks...it wasn't pretty. So I was really looking forward to the TT so I could finally be rid of it! And don't get me wrong, it's awesome! Even though I'm squeamish and don't like to look at the horrible scars too much (LOL), what I see of my abdomen when I ignore them, I do like. And I've never said that before...ever.

But it just makes everything else more vivid. Especially my thighs. Lord god almighty. The problem is that I can SEE them now. So while I'm looking in the mirror at my new, flat stomach - I'm also seeing these absolutely horrific upper thighs. And much like my stomach, there is absolutely nothing short of plastic surgery that is going to make them look much better. Let's put it this way...when people excitedly tell me they bet I can't wait for bikini season...while I appreciate the good wishes that I know such a comment entails...I will never wear a bikini, or even a bathing suit, because of my thighs.

Maybe a bikini TOP and board shorts.

This pisses me off, you know? It makes me mad that now there's this other thing that looks like total shit and also that it bothers me so much!! I know my brain just needs to catch up (again) to this huge change and I'll be ok. Honestly, I know that. Good enough needs to be good enough. Someone blogged about this very topic not long ago....yeah. Practice what you preach, Cin.

The good news is, most everything I've tried on so far has been baggy. Especially my shirts and dresses, which was unexpected. I expected to change more in my jeans/pants, but I honestly think there will be more of my shirt wardrobe that will have to go. And, there are some things which just fit "better", so it's all good. A tight shirt looks pretty damn good on me now; nothing is too short or too tight because there are no fat rolls. That's pretty amazing! I haven't felt up to trying on too much yet since I still have trouble bending, but I'm really looking forward to going through my closet yet again and seeing what goes and what stays. And then shopping for things I never thought I'd be able to wear! Are half shirts in style? No? Well crap...

I'm very fortunate to have a supportive network of friends who have gone through this and assure me that I'm not crazy. So I know what I'm feeling is pretty normal and that helps. I am so lucky to have found the people at the Community for Bariatric Patients of Southern Ontario (CBPSO). My local support group in Cambridge is hosting our annual meet & greet this year and I'm really looking forward to it! I'm playing a small part, designing some of the posters, brochures, etc. I figure it's the least I can do for a group that has given me so much. You know it's true....we all get by with a little help from our friends.

1 comment:

  1. **nodding in agreement while reading your post

    Thanks for the update. You are doing great!

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