Tomorrow I will get up at the butt crack of dawn and head to Scarborough, on the east end of Toronto, to once again pay a surgeon to cut me open and try to repair some of the self-inflicted damage I have done to myself over the course of my life.
It's hard not to feel some guilt about the whole thing. It's my fault, after all! But I continue to attempt to forgive myself and learn from the mistakes of my past. A friend told me recently, "You know better now. You didn't then. Remember, you are worth it." This is good advice in theory, and I love her for saying it, but I dunno...intellectually, I absolutely knew what to do to achieve and maintain a healthy weight. I had followed so many diet programs that I knew a LOT about nutrition and exercise. I really did. I just chose not to follow it. I suppose we're all that way...we know what to do but for some reason we don't think we deserve it, so we sabotage ourselves. Why do we punish ourselves so much? That's the million-dollar question. If we could all come to terms with that and move past it, we'd all be fabulous and there'd be no reason for most forms of self-medication - from heroin and vodka to Prozac and Pop Tarts. There are biological and behavioral reasons for what we do; it's a struggle every day to overcome the demons we all face.
It seems like this is all happening very fast. My first visit with my plastic surgeon (PS) was in April! But honestly, I should've had this tummy tuck about 2 years ago. So I AM READY. Bring on the flat stomach. That concept is sort of unimaginable to me. Unlike some people who lose weight later in life, I do not remember myself thin. I have no point of reference. So this will be a whole new ball game for me once again. I had to get used to my new body when I lost weight and will have to do it again.
I was in Ohio recently visiting family and passed a display of various types of belts in a department store. I normally ignore such displays...though I did have to buy a (plain black) belt to hold up my jeans after I lost weight. In order to slip the jeans over the excess skin on my lower abdomen, the waist gaps quite a bit so I must wear a belt. However, I have never been able to tuck my shirt into my jeans, so pretty belts were not on my radar. When I passed the display, I said to Erich, "Hey...after the tummy tuck, maybe I can buy one of these snazzy belts because MAYBE I can tuck my shirt into my jeans so you'll be able to see it!" Seriously, this is a big deal. LOL!
It's the little things that so many people take for granted.
Also...I am losing patience with my Spanx. I have to wear it every day to keep my lower abdomen somewhat stable, i.e., so it doesn't shift around and give me a rash. I hate it and hope I won't have to wear it much - maybe on special occasions - after the surgery. Of course, I'll probably need a smaller size! I expect to have to buy new panties and maybe jeans. I think I might go down a size.
Ruby Gettinger once said of plastic surgery, "I'm trading fat for skin, skin for scars. The scars are a reminder of what I did to myself, and that's hard." It's clearly difficult to come to terms with the fact that you'll never look the way you're "supposed" to. But hey...all we can do is be the best we can be. Block out the bullshit and just soldier on. As for me, I'm happy I had the strength to save myself. Putting that knowledge up against the guilt helps. I'm alive! And I look pretty damn good. Tomorrow, I'll look even better!
My weight has been stabilized for well over a year now. It's higher than I'd like, but I have pretty much determined that I just need to come to terms with it and move on. My BMI is too high, but I firmly believe BMI charts are complete bullshit. Plus, I'm not one of those people who will track every single calorie, stop eating carbs and get up at 5am to go to my first of three spin classes a day. It's not happening. Maybe I'm just lazy, but I don't want to work that hard! I enjoy being active, though. And I no longer eat crap for crap's sake all the time. So if I can be healthy and active, then I'm good. I wanted to lose 10 pounds before this surgery, and I did that. But then I went to Ohio and because I wasn't a food/exercise Nazi, gained a few pounds back. Oh well. It seems like my body just wants to be at this weight. It is what it is! I was worried that my PS would ask me to lose weight before my surgery, but he said: "You are a big girl, very tall and sturdy (LOL), and you carry this weight very well. I am not going to require you to lose any weight. We will go ahead." Ok then! Good, because I'm done!
My surgery will take place at The Scarborough Hospital at 12:30pm; we have to be there at 10am. The surgery is supposed to take 4.5-5 hours. I will spend one night in the hospital and one night at a nearby hotel. My PS tells me I will have about 200 stitches and possibly a few staples. I will have drains in my abdomen for about 10 days; a home health care worker will come to the house to check on me after I go home. I'll be off work for 6 weeks. I work at a printing company in the art department but I don't sit at a desk all night. I am all over that plant doing several different things - I carry boxes of stock from the warehouse to the front, I load said stock into printers, etc. Sometimes I am working in four different rooms at once. It's a night shift thing. They have about a half dozen of us doing what 15-20 people do during the day. My job requires such activity that I've said many times I would not have been able to perform my duties at my former weight. So, since I can't lift or bend for a while, my PS recommends 6 weeks of leave. I'm kind of hoping I can get back before that, just to have the full paycheck!
Here we go! Yet another life change. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm nervous as well. Send good vibes for good drugs and a speedy recovery! I'll update when I can. Thanks to everyone who has followed me on this journey so far. We ain't done yet!
Showing posts with label excess skin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label excess skin. Show all posts
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Four years on, the plastics begin
Today is what I like to call my rebirth-day, or, as it's known in the weight-loss surgery community, my "surgiversary." Four years ago today, I had RNY gastric bypass surgery and my life has never been the same. I won't bore you with all the details of how much better I feel now, how I can do things I never thought possible. It's all true, but I would just be repeating myself! It never gets old, though, this thing called LIFE. It's more than I ever thought it could be. To date, I have had ZERO complications, only freedom...from pain, illness and the bonds of my own body. And I wouldn't change a thing except that I wasted so much time.
A before and after (click to enlarge):
For those who are interested - you can go back and check out where my brain was 4 years ago here and here.
In my last entry, I mentioned that I got my tummy tuck surgery date (August 12) and I had an appointment to see my plastic surgeon (PS) on July 4th. That appointment got moved to July 11, so I'll likely do another update afterwards.
I heard about this surgeon from my bariatric support group. A lot of fellow patients have been to him - indeed, his assistant said about 85% of his patients are of the bariatric variety. I like him very much but his assistant...lorda mercy. Honestly, speaking to her is a chore. And even sitting in the waiting room, listening to her talk to other patients, tries MY patience. I don't tolerate stupidity and rudeness very well. I think I've mentioned this before - she needs another profession.
The whole plastics experience has been a whirlwind since April, my first visit to his office. At that time, I was given a quote for his services, far above what I knew some of my friends to have paid. This was surprising, but prices go up so...whatever. I soon got approval from OHIP for my panniculectomy and we went from there. The coverage for the panniculectomy is minimal; I still have to pay thousands of dollars for the "upgrade" to a full tummy tuck (tightening and repair of the abdominal muscles and removal of more tissue and skin). I went back to see him last month and was informed the procedure had gone up another $1,000. Not only that, this new quote was only good for 6 weeks. If I didn't pay this new, inflated price right away, the price could go up again....and again... I had no idea when the surgery would be, so I had two choices: Pay right now or wait and take my chances the price could go up thousands of dollars by the time I got a surgery date. Oh...and we had to pay in full two months before the surgery date...whenever that would be.
I burst into tears in the parking garage. Erich and I had been putting money aside for this, but $1,000 was a lot of money. Plus, I had tremendous feelings of guilt. There was so much more we could do with this money. Many other things needed our attention and I felt bad enough about spending thousands of dollars on a tummy tuck. Yes, I needed it, for medical, cosmetic and mostly psychological reasons. But still. If I hadn't allowed myself to reach nearly 500 pounds in the first place, none of this would be necessary. I feel a LOT of self-loathing and guilt about that.
My husband would hear none of this. "I'll handle it," is all he kept telling me as I cried and battled a near-nonstop headache for the rest of the week. My first thought was to sell the Camaro he bought for me when I lost half my body weight. He said "NO. Absolutely not." Alrighty then! He was adamant that I have the surgery ASAP and he would find a way to pay for it.
The surgery costs $5500 (starting out at $4500 and going up $1000). And we didn't have it all. Not yet.
You might ask me why I didn't try another surgeon. Well, this PS is very well known in the weight-loss community as being extremely affordable and willing to work with OHIP coverage. I had a nightmare experience with a PS a couple years ago that I detailed here. That PS wanted more than twice this amount to do the same surgery. I'd also heard price horror stories about other surgeons. So while we were presently scraping together cash, it wouldn't be as much as other prices I'd heard about.
I'd told the PS assistant to look to October when she asked me when I wanted to have the surgery. She also asked me how much notice I'd need for a date. I told her two weeks. I have a fairly new job and wanted to give my employer some notice. I knew we still needed to scrape together the money but I was really worried and upset. To keep the cost down, we would need to pay in full by July 30 or, like I said, risk the ever-escalating price. I compared it to a kitten chasing a ball of yarn the just kept unraveling and the kitten never catching up. If we didn't pay soon, we'd just keep chasing the higher price.
Soon, she called and asked me if August 12 would be acceptable. I was floored, flabbergasted. I'd originally thought this wouldn't happen until after the new year. Of course, this new date would mean we'd need to pay NOW. In fact, she wanted me to courier a check that same day! Um, no. No can do. This was on a Friday afternoon; Monday was Canada Day. I told her we would have to make arrangements to get the money together and send it to her on Tuesday. She was pretty upset by this and put me on hold (needs a new job). But when she came back on, she agreed.
Again, I was very upset about the money aspect. Erich again told me, "I'll have it by Tuesday. Don't worry." He doesn't like to discuss things with me because he just wants to take care of it, but it sometimes just makes me worry even more. In his mind, keeping the details from me protects me. Sometimes that's true, but in this instance it just made me crazy. LOL! Eventually, we got the money together and sent it in via Purolator. It made me physically ill. Excited, nervous, guilty, scared, you name it.
So it's done. Paid for in full and scheduled. During my last appointment, I asked the PS how much skin and tissue he thought he would be taking off. The PS in London told me maybe 3-5 pounds. That seemed an impossibly low number and made me even more dubious of her at the time. Well, the new PS said "At least 6 kilos...about 14 pounds." I literally could not speak. While I knew I had a lot of excess skin to get rid of, I didn't think it was that much. Maybe he's over-estimating. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, I really am. He also assured me this surgery will be "life-changing"....again? *deep breath* Ok. Strapping in for another life change. Erich jokes that this will be his 4th wife: He was married before me then to the pre-op me, the post-op me, and now the tummy tuck me. LOL!
I've had this stomach for so long, I don't know what it's like to be normal. Ever since I can remember, I've shopped for shirts long enough to cover it and loose enough to hide it. Ever since I can remember, I've had to lift it up in the shower and wear baby powder to help keep the rashes at bay. It's actually worse since I've lost weight and it's like an empty bag. I've taken to wearing a "looser, everyday" Spanx just to keep it from moving around and causing chafing. But even "super-Spanx" doesn't make it disappear. I know I'll never feel truly successful until I get it off me. And I can't wait to see how this affects me, both physically and emotionally.
A before and after (click to enlarge):
For those who are interested - you can go back and check out where my brain was 4 years ago here and here.
In my last entry, I mentioned that I got my tummy tuck surgery date (August 12) and I had an appointment to see my plastic surgeon (PS) on July 4th. That appointment got moved to July 11, so I'll likely do another update afterwards.
I heard about this surgeon from my bariatric support group. A lot of fellow patients have been to him - indeed, his assistant said about 85% of his patients are of the bariatric variety. I like him very much but his assistant...lorda mercy. Honestly, speaking to her is a chore. And even sitting in the waiting room, listening to her talk to other patients, tries MY patience. I don't tolerate stupidity and rudeness very well. I think I've mentioned this before - she needs another profession.
The whole plastics experience has been a whirlwind since April, my first visit to his office. At that time, I was given a quote for his services, far above what I knew some of my friends to have paid. This was surprising, but prices go up so...whatever. I soon got approval from OHIP for my panniculectomy and we went from there. The coverage for the panniculectomy is minimal; I still have to pay thousands of dollars for the "upgrade" to a full tummy tuck (tightening and repair of the abdominal muscles and removal of more tissue and skin). I went back to see him last month and was informed the procedure had gone up another $1,000. Not only that, this new quote was only good for 6 weeks. If I didn't pay this new, inflated price right away, the price could go up again....and again... I had no idea when the surgery would be, so I had two choices: Pay right now or wait and take my chances the price could go up thousands of dollars by the time I got a surgery date. Oh...and we had to pay in full two months before the surgery date...whenever that would be.
I burst into tears in the parking garage. Erich and I had been putting money aside for this, but $1,000 was a lot of money. Plus, I had tremendous feelings of guilt. There was so much more we could do with this money. Many other things needed our attention and I felt bad enough about spending thousands of dollars on a tummy tuck. Yes, I needed it, for medical, cosmetic and mostly psychological reasons. But still. If I hadn't allowed myself to reach nearly 500 pounds in the first place, none of this would be necessary. I feel a LOT of self-loathing and guilt about that.
My husband would hear none of this. "I'll handle it," is all he kept telling me as I cried and battled a near-nonstop headache for the rest of the week. My first thought was to sell the Camaro he bought for me when I lost half my body weight. He said "NO. Absolutely not." Alrighty then! He was adamant that I have the surgery ASAP and he would find a way to pay for it.
The surgery costs $5500 (starting out at $4500 and going up $1000). And we didn't have it all. Not yet.
You might ask me why I didn't try another surgeon. Well, this PS is very well known in the weight-loss community as being extremely affordable and willing to work with OHIP coverage. I had a nightmare experience with a PS a couple years ago that I detailed here. That PS wanted more than twice this amount to do the same surgery. I'd also heard price horror stories about other surgeons. So while we were presently scraping together cash, it wouldn't be as much as other prices I'd heard about.
I'd told the PS assistant to look to October when she asked me when I wanted to have the surgery. She also asked me how much notice I'd need for a date. I told her two weeks. I have a fairly new job and wanted to give my employer some notice. I knew we still needed to scrape together the money but I was really worried and upset. To keep the cost down, we would need to pay in full by July 30 or, like I said, risk the ever-escalating price. I compared it to a kitten chasing a ball of yarn the just kept unraveling and the kitten never catching up. If we didn't pay soon, we'd just keep chasing the higher price.
Soon, she called and asked me if August 12 would be acceptable. I was floored, flabbergasted. I'd originally thought this wouldn't happen until after the new year. Of course, this new date would mean we'd need to pay NOW. In fact, she wanted me to courier a check that same day! Um, no. No can do. This was on a Friday afternoon; Monday was Canada Day. I told her we would have to make arrangements to get the money together and send it to her on Tuesday. She was pretty upset by this and put me on hold (needs a new job). But when she came back on, she agreed.
Again, I was very upset about the money aspect. Erich again told me, "I'll have it by Tuesday. Don't worry." He doesn't like to discuss things with me because he just wants to take care of it, but it sometimes just makes me worry even more. In his mind, keeping the details from me protects me. Sometimes that's true, but in this instance it just made me crazy. LOL! Eventually, we got the money together and sent it in via Purolator. It made me physically ill. Excited, nervous, guilty, scared, you name it.
So it's done. Paid for in full and scheduled. During my last appointment, I asked the PS how much skin and tissue he thought he would be taking off. The PS in London told me maybe 3-5 pounds. That seemed an impossibly low number and made me even more dubious of her at the time. Well, the new PS said "At least 6 kilos...about 14 pounds." I literally could not speak. While I knew I had a lot of excess skin to get rid of, I didn't think it was that much. Maybe he's over-estimating. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, I really am. He also assured me this surgery will be "life-changing"....again? *deep breath* Ok. Strapping in for another life change. Erich jokes that this will be his 4th wife: He was married before me then to the pre-op me, the post-op me, and now the tummy tuck me. LOL!
I've had this stomach for so long, I don't know what it's like to be normal. Ever since I can remember, I've shopped for shirts long enough to cover it and loose enough to hide it. Ever since I can remember, I've had to lift it up in the shower and wear baby powder to help keep the rashes at bay. It's actually worse since I've lost weight and it's like an empty bag. I've taken to wearing a "looser, everyday" Spanx just to keep it from moving around and causing chafing. But even "super-Spanx" doesn't make it disappear. I know I'll never feel truly successful until I get it off me. And I can't wait to see how this affects me, both physically and emotionally.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Joining the Flat Belly Society
A few days ago, I saw a plastic surgeon in Toronto to see if I can finally move on a little from the brain-numbing excess skin situation.
I've written extensively and openly about my issues with my excess skin. It bothers me in a way I wasn't really expecting. I knew it would be there, of course, but the way it messes with my brain was surprising. Not everyone is affected this way. There are some who say "Screw it," and live with it. But as for me, I find it very difficult to literally carry around flesh-and-blood reminders of what I did to my body and why I'll never look normal through my own efforts. It is my fault and no matter how much I work out or what I do, they are there. Like Guilt Tumors or something. I struggle with that. And in that struggle, I sometimes seek comfort in my old friend, food. This, and the stress I endured last year over my employment situation, definitely caused me to regain some of the weight I initially lost. It's coming back off slowly. I hope the good news I received on Wednesday will help me get my head straight and continue on my current path.
I've turned into one of those women constantly saying "If I could only lose 15 pounds..." Well, I might think it; I'd never say it in certain company. I used to hate those women, bitching about 15 pounds when I had over 250 to lose! And they are not even remotely similar situations, so please don't bitch about 15 pounds in the presence of a 500-pound person. You might get punched in the neck. I know I held myself back several times...
I had a really bad experience a couple of years ago with a plastic surgeon (PS) in London. She came recommended by a friend who had bariatric surgery and had her panniculectomy covered by the Ontario Health Insurance Plan (OHIP), through this surgeon. It was a nightmare and kinda put me off seeing another PS. When I asked my family doctor for another referral, her first response was "But you already saw one and they said the panniculectomy wouldn't be covered." I had to talk her into giving me another referral. Nothing is easy, right?
But through some friends I've made in my support group, I heard about a new PS in east Toronto - actually, Scarborough. Everyone has been so sure he would work with me, so sure that I should get the panniculectomy covered, that I decided to give it another shot.
So on Wednesday, I set out to drive to Scarborough - by myself. In the rain. This is already a laughable situation, as I loathe driving in big cities and can't see my hand in front of my face when driving in the rain. Erich taking the evening off work to accompany me wasn't really an option; that would mean losing a lot of money in overtime because of the way his company calculates hours. And, well, the tummy tuck "upgrade" I want ain't gonna pay for itself.
The drive wasn't too bad, save the accident I nearly got into at an intersection 5 miles from my destination when two cars in front of me wrecked (thank you, Good Brakes) - but as I sat in the waiting room, I listened to another patient speaking to the PS's assistant. They were having a "discussion" about pricing. This woman was also a bariatric patient looking to have a tummy tuck upgrade after an OHIP-approved panniculectomy. As I listened to this exchange, I got more and more nervous. Erich and I don't have a lot of money. We get by, but don't have large amounts of cash sitting in the bank. My husband has been working his fingers to the bone, accepting overtime whenever it is offered in order to sock away some money to get me as much surgery as possible. I need *A LOT* of skin removal, but the panniculectomy and tummy tuck upgrade are foremost on my mind. Listening to these people argue over price and money made me uneasy because the figures his assistant was tossing around weren't the ones I had in mind. I started feeling a little sick.
My nervousness quickly subsided when I got in to see the PS, though. I really liked him. We talked about my weight loss a bit and he took some measurements. According to him, there was "no way" I wouldn't be approved by OHIP for the panniculectomy. He seemed very certain of this. It should be noted that 90% of his patients are folks like me, bariatric patients. So I trust his judgement. This was a great relief! I told him about my earlier experience in London and he was genuinely puzzled by that surgeon's lack of empathy, her unwillingness to submit paperwork on my behalf, to even try for me. "If you don't get approved, I will go and beat them up," he joked in his slightly accented English. Again...great relief. We also talked about other surgeries I need, like an inner thigh lift, a boob lift, removal of the "batwings" under my arms. I didn't ask him about the skin under my chin, which surprised Erich because I'm always bitching about my turkey neck. But all in all, the experience was night-and-day different from the one in London. He was so reassuring:
Me: "So it takes 6-8 weeks for OHIP approval, right?"
PS: "Call me in four."
Me: "Ok, great! Do you think we can do this by the end of the year?" (He's a very busy man, for obvious reasons.)
PS: "Yes, sure."
The type of tummy tuck he recommends is called a fleur de lis, sometimes referred to as an "extended panniculectomy" which is the most common for patients who go through massive weight loss. You can click on the link for more info on that, as it explains things better than I can.
The only thing that left me cold were the prices of the "upgrade" surgeries. I can get the tummy tuck upgrade but that's it. I was hoping for either the boob lift or batwing surgery to go along with it, but no. He has significantly raised his prices since my friends had their surgeries done just a couple of years ago. That's disheartening but hey...that's my luck! If I'd gone to see him in 2010 instead of the PS I saw in London, I would've gotten a much better deal. However, his prices are still significantly lower than the London PS; he will charge me less than half the price she would've.
But....I WILL GET THIS TUMMY TUCK!! That is so fantastic to me, I can't even tell you. It will be life changing for me in much the same way that actually losing the weight was. I can't wait to have it and start the next chapter in this never-ending journey.
Me with a flat stomach? That is mind blowing...
I've written extensively and openly about my issues with my excess skin. It bothers me in a way I wasn't really expecting. I knew it would be there, of course, but the way it messes with my brain was surprising. Not everyone is affected this way. There are some who say "Screw it," and live with it. But as for me, I find it very difficult to literally carry around flesh-and-blood reminders of what I did to my body and why I'll never look normal through my own efforts. It is my fault and no matter how much I work out or what I do, they are there. Like Guilt Tumors or something. I struggle with that. And in that struggle, I sometimes seek comfort in my old friend, food. This, and the stress I endured last year over my employment situation, definitely caused me to regain some of the weight I initially lost. It's coming back off slowly. I hope the good news I received on Wednesday will help me get my head straight and continue on my current path.
I've turned into one of those women constantly saying "If I could only lose 15 pounds..." Well, I might think it; I'd never say it in certain company. I used to hate those women, bitching about 15 pounds when I had over 250 to lose! And they are not even remotely similar situations, so please don't bitch about 15 pounds in the presence of a 500-pound person. You might get punched in the neck. I know I held myself back several times...
I had a really bad experience a couple of years ago with a plastic surgeon (PS) in London. She came recommended by a friend who had bariatric surgery and had her panniculectomy covered by the Ontario Health Insurance Plan (OHIP), through this surgeon. It was a nightmare and kinda put me off seeing another PS. When I asked my family doctor for another referral, her first response was "But you already saw one and they said the panniculectomy wouldn't be covered." I had to talk her into giving me another referral. Nothing is easy, right?
But through some friends I've made in my support group, I heard about a new PS in east Toronto - actually, Scarborough. Everyone has been so sure he would work with me, so sure that I should get the panniculectomy covered, that I decided to give it another shot.
So on Wednesday, I set out to drive to Scarborough - by myself. In the rain. This is already a laughable situation, as I loathe driving in big cities and can't see my hand in front of my face when driving in the rain. Erich taking the evening off work to accompany me wasn't really an option; that would mean losing a lot of money in overtime because of the way his company calculates hours. And, well, the tummy tuck "upgrade" I want ain't gonna pay for itself.
The drive wasn't too bad, save the accident I nearly got into at an intersection 5 miles from my destination when two cars in front of me wrecked (thank you, Good Brakes) - but as I sat in the waiting room, I listened to another patient speaking to the PS's assistant. They were having a "discussion" about pricing. This woman was also a bariatric patient looking to have a tummy tuck upgrade after an OHIP-approved panniculectomy. As I listened to this exchange, I got more and more nervous. Erich and I don't have a lot of money. We get by, but don't have large amounts of cash sitting in the bank. My husband has been working his fingers to the bone, accepting overtime whenever it is offered in order to sock away some money to get me as much surgery as possible. I need *A LOT* of skin removal, but the panniculectomy and tummy tuck upgrade are foremost on my mind. Listening to these people argue over price and money made me uneasy because the figures his assistant was tossing around weren't the ones I had in mind. I started feeling a little sick.
My nervousness quickly subsided when I got in to see the PS, though. I really liked him. We talked about my weight loss a bit and he took some measurements. According to him, there was "no way" I wouldn't be approved by OHIP for the panniculectomy. He seemed very certain of this. It should be noted that 90% of his patients are folks like me, bariatric patients. So I trust his judgement. This was a great relief! I told him about my earlier experience in London and he was genuinely puzzled by that surgeon's lack of empathy, her unwillingness to submit paperwork on my behalf, to even try for me. "If you don't get approved, I will go and beat them up," he joked in his slightly accented English. Again...great relief. We also talked about other surgeries I need, like an inner thigh lift, a boob lift, removal of the "batwings" under my arms. I didn't ask him about the skin under my chin, which surprised Erich because I'm always bitching about my turkey neck. But all in all, the experience was night-and-day different from the one in London. He was so reassuring:
Me: "So it takes 6-8 weeks for OHIP approval, right?"
PS: "Call me in four."
Me: "Ok, great! Do you think we can do this by the end of the year?" (He's a very busy man, for obvious reasons.)
PS: "Yes, sure."
The type of tummy tuck he recommends is called a fleur de lis, sometimes referred to as an "extended panniculectomy" which is the most common for patients who go through massive weight loss. You can click on the link for more info on that, as it explains things better than I can.
The only thing that left me cold were the prices of the "upgrade" surgeries. I can get the tummy tuck upgrade but that's it. I was hoping for either the boob lift or batwing surgery to go along with it, but no. He has significantly raised his prices since my friends had their surgeries done just a couple of years ago. That's disheartening but hey...that's my luck! If I'd gone to see him in 2010 instead of the PS I saw in London, I would've gotten a much better deal. However, his prices are still significantly lower than the London PS; he will charge me less than half the price she would've.
But....I WILL GET THIS TUMMY TUCK!! That is so fantastic to me, I can't even tell you. It will be life changing for me in much the same way that actually losing the weight was. I can't wait to have it and start the next chapter in this never-ending journey.
Me with a flat stomach? That is mind blowing...
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Born to run?
All the Bruce Springsteen fans landing here via some Google alert...sorry. You can click out now.
In some sort of misguided and arrogant flash of confidence, I signed up to *jog* (not walk) a 5K event on March 23. I loaded the app Couch to 5K on my phone and got to work. I have often written of my desire to run. I equate it with a certain level of fitness, leftover trauma from elementary school gym classes where the thinner, more beautiful people literally ran circles around the fat girl vainly attempting to keep up with them.
Couch to 5K is a nine-week program and I must admit, I thought it would be easier than it is. I consider myself to be in fairly decent shape but....this is kicking my ass. In the end, I suppose the goal is to have participants running a 5K in 30 minutes. Let me tell you, this is not going to happen! I can run for 25 minutes. I can probably run for 30 minutes (not there in the training yet). But not 5K (3.1 miles) in that length of time. Probably the most disappointing part of this whole training process is finding that my running is not much faster than my walking. While I expend a lot more energy "running", I don't get much farther than if I'd just walked. By now, I can walk pretty damn fast. Jogging is a knee and cardio killer. The point will not be whether or not I can job for 30 minutes, but whether I can do it for 35 or 40 minutes because I'm so damn slow.
So I'm sort of left feeling like the fat girl in gym class again. Yay. Nine weeks isn't going to cut it for me; I need more time. I don't think I'll be ready for the race March 23. That really disappoints me but it is what it is. I'll still try like hell - because I am stronger than I think I am - so we'll see.
I have more 5Ks scheduled for May, June and October, along with a walking half marathon in June. So I'm not done yet. Things just may be delayed for a while.
I have an appointment this morning with my family doctor. Feeling a bit off kilter lately, I will request that she order some blood work, especially iron and bone density. I am exhausted, foggy-minded and of low libido. All signs of iron deficiency. Also, I will finally ask for a referral to go see the Wizard of Oz, a.k.a. Dr. Nan - a plastic surgeon working out of Scarborough General Hospital. He has done plastics for many of my fellow WLS patients and they all seem to love him. He knows how to work with us and the system. I've been afraid he will tell me I need to lose more weight - especially since I'm about 20 pounds over my goal weight at this point.
Last year sucked. Since I wrote about it extensively, I won't go back into it here. The events did a number on me and I backslid. There are no excuses, although I have many. I'm getting back on track with my eating and exercise and it's slowly coming back off. My new job is helping; the fucking vending machines calling my name every night are not. I work 2nd shift and am alone in the front office with a multitude of treats that I have to pass by over and over again in the course of doing my job. More often than not, I am able to ignore them but there are times when, well, the Snickers or Kit Kat bar wins. I'm human, right? It's a work in progress.
But back to Dr. Nan....this excess skin is messing with my head and, I believe, plays a part in my backslide. I don't like what I see in the mirror. At all. There are times when I think to myself "Why am I bothering when I still look like complete shit?" I know what you're thinking but honest to god, if you haven't been here, you don't get it. You don't know what it's like to lose over 200 pounds and be reminded every day of what you did to yourself. The guilt and self-loathing that comes along with that is palpable and can be more front and center than when I weighed 444 pounds. I think if I am to truly find success, I need to start the plastics journey if I can. OHIP will likely pay for some of it; I certainly can't pay for ANY of it. So I guess I just need to try and get what I can get and be done with it. Better than nothing.
In some sort of misguided and arrogant flash of confidence, I signed up to *jog* (not walk) a 5K event on March 23. I loaded the app Couch to 5K on my phone and got to work. I have often written of my desire to run. I equate it with a certain level of fitness, leftover trauma from elementary school gym classes where the thinner, more beautiful people literally ran circles around the fat girl vainly attempting to keep up with them.
Couch to 5K is a nine-week program and I must admit, I thought it would be easier than it is. I consider myself to be in fairly decent shape but....this is kicking my ass. In the end, I suppose the goal is to have participants running a 5K in 30 minutes. Let me tell you, this is not going to happen! I can run for 25 minutes. I can probably run for 30 minutes (not there in the training yet). But not 5K (3.1 miles) in that length of time. Probably the most disappointing part of this whole training process is finding that my running is not much faster than my walking. While I expend a lot more energy "running", I don't get much farther than if I'd just walked. By now, I can walk pretty damn fast. Jogging is a knee and cardio killer. The point will not be whether or not I can job for 30 minutes, but whether I can do it for 35 or 40 minutes because I'm so damn slow.
So I'm sort of left feeling like the fat girl in gym class again. Yay. Nine weeks isn't going to cut it for me; I need more time. I don't think I'll be ready for the race March 23. That really disappoints me but it is what it is. I'll still try like hell - because I am stronger than I think I am - so we'll see.
I have more 5Ks scheduled for May, June and October, along with a walking half marathon in June. So I'm not done yet. Things just may be delayed for a while.
I have an appointment this morning with my family doctor. Feeling a bit off kilter lately, I will request that she order some blood work, especially iron and bone density. I am exhausted, foggy-minded and of low libido. All signs of iron deficiency. Also, I will finally ask for a referral to go see the Wizard of Oz, a.k.a. Dr. Nan - a plastic surgeon working out of Scarborough General Hospital. He has done plastics for many of my fellow WLS patients and they all seem to love him. He knows how to work with us and the system. I've been afraid he will tell me I need to lose more weight - especially since I'm about 20 pounds over my goal weight at this point.
Last year sucked. Since I wrote about it extensively, I won't go back into it here. The events did a number on me and I backslid. There are no excuses, although I have many. I'm getting back on track with my eating and exercise and it's slowly coming back off. My new job is helping; the fucking vending machines calling my name every night are not. I work 2nd shift and am alone in the front office with a multitude of treats that I have to pass by over and over again in the course of doing my job. More often than not, I am able to ignore them but there are times when, well, the Snickers or Kit Kat bar wins. I'm human, right? It's a work in progress.
But back to Dr. Nan....this excess skin is messing with my head and, I believe, plays a part in my backslide. I don't like what I see in the mirror. At all. There are times when I think to myself "Why am I bothering when I still look like complete shit?" I know what you're thinking but honest to god, if you haven't been here, you don't get it. You don't know what it's like to lose over 200 pounds and be reminded every day of what you did to yourself. The guilt and self-loathing that comes along with that is palpable and can be more front and center than when I weighed 444 pounds. I think if I am to truly find success, I need to start the plastics journey if I can. OHIP will likely pay for some of it; I certainly can't pay for ANY of it. So I guess I just need to try and get what I can get and be done with it. Better than nothing.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Let's finish it
Ah, the excess skin issue. It doesn't go away for those of us who have lost massive amounts of weight.
Recently, an articleappeared in an area newspaper about a woman who lost weight successfully with weight-loss surgery but felt she needed to have the excess skin removed from her abdomen to feel "done". And she believes OHIP (Ontario Health Insurance Plan) should pay for it.
I agree on both counts.
Ontario does cover a surgery called a panniculectomy under extenuating circumstances. "The pannus should hang below the level of the groin/pubis to qualify. In addition, the patient must have significant pain, chronic skin breakdown and recurrent infections and if the surgery is related to weight loss, the patient’s weight must be stable for at least six months." Ok. I get that.
I believe my excess skin keeps me from feeling like a success. I still have huge handfuls of skin around my stomach and it's really hard to feel like I've lost weight successfully sometimes. The reflection in the mirror is just "meh".
There are things that haven't changed for me, even though I've lost well over 200 pounds. I get in the shower and still have to lift up my stomach, make sure I get everything clean in the folds of flesh. This is reality, and it's no different than the way I showered when I was 444 pounds. Actually, there are MORE folds of flesh to worry about now, and my hanging stomach is heavier.
I still have to shop for longer tops to cover it up. It still hinders my intimate relationship with my husband. I have to buy a bigger size jean to get it over the stomach (stuffing it inside), then cinch a belt around my fairly small waist in order to be semi-comfortable....but I guess the bright side is at least I can wear jeans now!
I really do try to be one of those people who say "Screw the excess skin. I'm healthy now and that's what I focus on." But it's hard. It's a true psychological barrier I wasn't prepared for when I started to lose weight.
Not long ago, a "friend" told me "his wife said" if I'd lost weight "naturally", I wouldn't have excess skin. Thanks! While I know that statement is complete bullshit, it's just more guilt that I didn't do this the right way and the way I abused my body is something I chose and can't change.
Would I qualify for the panniculectomy? Probably. Friends who have been through the process tell me I would, without question. But I feel like I'm not small enough for it. I've gained a little bit over the past year and want to get that weight off before I try. That's all my fault, I realize that.
So the goal this year is to get that damn panniculectomy, at least. I think OHIP should pay for the full tummy tuck, but it is what it is. I need to get this skin off because it's starting to break me down psychologically, and is getting in the way of my maintenance. I can't let that happen.
Recently, an articleappeared in an area newspaper about a woman who lost weight successfully with weight-loss surgery but felt she needed to have the excess skin removed from her abdomen to feel "done". And she believes OHIP (Ontario Health Insurance Plan) should pay for it.
I agree on both counts.
Ontario does cover a surgery called a panniculectomy under extenuating circumstances. "The pannus should hang below the level of the groin/pubis to qualify. In addition, the patient must have significant pain, chronic skin breakdown and recurrent infections and if the surgery is related to weight loss, the patient’s weight must be stable for at least six months." Ok. I get that.
I believe my excess skin keeps me from feeling like a success. I still have huge handfuls of skin around my stomach and it's really hard to feel like I've lost weight successfully sometimes. The reflection in the mirror is just "meh".
There are things that haven't changed for me, even though I've lost well over 200 pounds. I get in the shower and still have to lift up my stomach, make sure I get everything clean in the folds of flesh. This is reality, and it's no different than the way I showered when I was 444 pounds. Actually, there are MORE folds of flesh to worry about now, and my hanging stomach is heavier.
I still have to shop for longer tops to cover it up. It still hinders my intimate relationship with my husband. I have to buy a bigger size jean to get it over the stomach (stuffing it inside), then cinch a belt around my fairly small waist in order to be semi-comfortable....but I guess the bright side is at least I can wear jeans now!
I really do try to be one of those people who say "Screw the excess skin. I'm healthy now and that's what I focus on." But it's hard. It's a true psychological barrier I wasn't prepared for when I started to lose weight.
Not long ago, a "friend" told me "his wife said" if I'd lost weight "naturally", I wouldn't have excess skin. Thanks! While I know that statement is complete bullshit, it's just more guilt that I didn't do this the right way and the way I abused my body is something I chose and can't change.
Would I qualify for the panniculectomy? Probably. Friends who have been through the process tell me I would, without question. But I feel like I'm not small enough for it. I've gained a little bit over the past year and want to get that weight off before I try. That's all my fault, I realize that.
So the goal this year is to get that damn panniculectomy, at least. I think OHIP should pay for the full tummy tuck, but it is what it is. I need to get this skin off because it's starting to break me down psychologically, and is getting in the way of my maintenance. I can't let that happen.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
The secret under our clothes
Good grief, it's been a while.
So did any of you watch TLC's The Real Skinny last Monday? I didn't watch till this weekend, but man...it was like watching me.
We follow two post-ops on their final journey to "normal" - the removal of the excess skin that oftentimes comes with massive weight loss. Sarah is 28 and was once almost 400 pounds. Chris is 41 and started out at 424. They have both reached a normal weight, but deal with the aftermath of what they did to their bodies every day when they look into the mirror.
They both get the dream procedure for most post-ops: The 360 circumferential body lift. YOWZA!!! If I ever win the lottery, this is the one. As their surgeon, Dr. J. Timothy Katzen, described, it's sort of like "cutting someone in half and putting them back together."
Sarah's story was especially poignant to me, since we look very similar naked. I know it's not what a lot of you want to hear, especially those just starting out, but it's the truth. It's the "secret under my clothes", as Chris said that people who have gone through massive weight loss - whether surgical or "natural" - hide every single day. Hide it from everyone but themselves, that is.
It's very difficult to explain how painful it is, psychologically, to be successful with your battle against obesity yet not to feel like you've completed the transformation because you are still ashamed of the way you look. It's hard to explain that to people who are not in the same boat. They think you're crazy. You should just be happy that you've lost all the weight and to them, you look great! Of course, they don't see you naked, right?
Sarah explained her daily routine stuffing her stomach skin down into her jeans. Of lifting the skin to wash underneath it; using powder to keep it dry and diaper rash ointment to soothe the inevitable rashes that occur (I have both in my bathroom right now). Of feeling it jerk and jiggle all over the place when you run. Chris talked about how it smacks him when he does jumping jacks or "hits the ground first" when he does a push-up. All of this is true, and the great majority of post-ops quietly deal with it every day.
It's worth mentioning that I never had these issues with my fat. It's the skin that's the problem. So that's the demoralizing part. You think the physical challenges of your life will be over when you lose weight. You think you'll be bursting to get into a bikini or wear shorts and halter tops. You think life will be normal, and it's not. It's still not. And that is heartbreaking for a lot of people. Sarah's first words in the recovery room were "Am I skinny yet?" This from someone who has lost more than 200 pounds.
Now I'm not about to sit here and tell you I cry into my Crystal Light every day about this. I don't. I am so grateful to have accomplished everything I have so far. I'm proud of myself and hey....I do look pretty damn good (with clothes on, anyway). But the excess skin does suck. It affects the way I shop, it affects the way I see myself and reminds me of what I let myself become. Of what I did to myself and my body. That hurts a lot. This is what I did to myself. It's my punishment for how I behaved for most of my life. Sarah said as much during the show and that's similar to how I feel, too.
Lately I have felt myself backsliding into bad habits that I know I need to get a grip on. I've had some regain this winter but the scale is starting to move back down. I know how to do this. Another reminder that I will never be done. That's ok; I just need to always remember it and not just when it's convenient for me. I made a promise to you all and to myself - in this blog - that I would never be one of those people who says "Before I knew what happened, I'd gained 50 pounds." So I need to get it together before that happens. Don't worry, we're not even close to that number! And we never will be!
One more thing then I'll stop: Those Weight Watchers commercials with Jennifer Hudson screeching in them grate on my nerves. Tired of it! Moving on....
So did any of you watch TLC's The Real Skinny last Monday? I didn't watch till this weekend, but man...it was like watching me.
We follow two post-ops on their final journey to "normal" - the removal of the excess skin that oftentimes comes with massive weight loss. Sarah is 28 and was once almost 400 pounds. Chris is 41 and started out at 424. They have both reached a normal weight, but deal with the aftermath of what they did to their bodies every day when they look into the mirror.
They both get the dream procedure for most post-ops: The 360 circumferential body lift. YOWZA!!! If I ever win the lottery, this is the one. As their surgeon, Dr. J. Timothy Katzen, described, it's sort of like "cutting someone in half and putting them back together."
Sarah's story was especially poignant to me, since we look very similar naked. I know it's not what a lot of you want to hear, especially those just starting out, but it's the truth. It's the "secret under my clothes", as Chris said that people who have gone through massive weight loss - whether surgical or "natural" - hide every single day. Hide it from everyone but themselves, that is.
It's very difficult to explain how painful it is, psychologically, to be successful with your battle against obesity yet not to feel like you've completed the transformation because you are still ashamed of the way you look. It's hard to explain that to people who are not in the same boat. They think you're crazy. You should just be happy that you've lost all the weight and to them, you look great! Of course, they don't see you naked, right?
Sarah explained her daily routine stuffing her stomach skin down into her jeans. Of lifting the skin to wash underneath it; using powder to keep it dry and diaper rash ointment to soothe the inevitable rashes that occur (I have both in my bathroom right now). Of feeling it jerk and jiggle all over the place when you run. Chris talked about how it smacks him when he does jumping jacks or "hits the ground first" when he does a push-up. All of this is true, and the great majority of post-ops quietly deal with it every day.
It's worth mentioning that I never had these issues with my fat. It's the skin that's the problem. So that's the demoralizing part. You think the physical challenges of your life will be over when you lose weight. You think you'll be bursting to get into a bikini or wear shorts and halter tops. You think life will be normal, and it's not. It's still not. And that is heartbreaking for a lot of people. Sarah's first words in the recovery room were "Am I skinny yet?" This from someone who has lost more than 200 pounds.
Now I'm not about to sit here and tell you I cry into my Crystal Light every day about this. I don't. I am so grateful to have accomplished everything I have so far. I'm proud of myself and hey....I do look pretty damn good (with clothes on, anyway). But the excess skin does suck. It affects the way I shop, it affects the way I see myself and reminds me of what I let myself become. Of what I did to myself and my body. That hurts a lot. This is what I did to myself. It's my punishment for how I behaved for most of my life. Sarah said as much during the show and that's similar to how I feel, too.
Lately I have felt myself backsliding into bad habits that I know I need to get a grip on. I've had some regain this winter but the scale is starting to move back down. I know how to do this. Another reminder that I will never be done. That's ok; I just need to always remember it and not just when it's convenient for me. I made a promise to you all and to myself - in this blog - that I would never be one of those people who says "Before I knew what happened, I'd gained 50 pounds." So I need to get it together before that happens. Don't worry, we're not even close to that number! And we never will be!
One more thing then I'll stop: Those Weight Watchers commercials with Jennifer Hudson screeching in them grate on my nerves. Tired of it! Moving on....
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