New year, new me!

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season. I made the trip to Ohio to spend Christmas and the New Year with my family. I only get back home a couple times a year and it's always so comfortable and, well, it's HOME. I usually have a tough time leaving. While I was there, I had two aunts and one uncle in the hospital - not a good time health wise for my family. At this point, I still have one aunt in a nursing home. If you pray, could you send one up for her?

Of course, my parents were stunned with my new appearance. They had not seen me in person since August when I was about a month post-op. Pictures, as I've said before, don't seem to do the change justice. My mom kept apologizing for staring at me. LOL! I just told her I'm used to it.

Shopping is a whole new experience. I got a new winter coat (three sizes smaller than last year's) and lots of new clothes! The good thing is, I can now shop at places where I can get the stuff cheap, so I don't feel too badly about buying things that will most likely be baggy in 6 months' time. I'm having fun wearing things I never could before. I made a pilgrimage to my old college to get a t-shirt. Yep, something that simple. I had ONE when I first started school, in 1990. I still hadn't gained back all the weight I lost when I was a senior in high school, and for some reason, they had a 2x at the bookstore. It was a nightshirt that I wore as a t-shirt. I used to do that a lot. I'd buy nightshirts or bathing suit cover-ups to wear as tops. If it was way too long, sometimes that would make up for a lack of width (if that makes any sense). Anyway....I now have TWO Shawnee State University t-shirts; an alumni shirt and a regular, girly pink one. I also bought a blue-and-purple tie-dye blanket. Wearing a 2x or 3x is completely life changing.

I still weigh 273 lbs...to a lot of people, that's like the low point for them. That's when they START thinking "Ok, I can't move. My life is horrible. I'm going to have the surgery, go on The Biggest Loser, etc." And I applaud those people for making a change before they get themselves in the situation that I found myself in. Obviously, I couldn't find the inner strength to change before; that's how I ended up at 444 lbs. But man...I just keep thinking how strange my story must be to people who start out where I am now. Are some of them thinking "She's still huge!" LOL! Like I said in my blog about being on the plane to Nashville, to people who don't know I've already lost a bunch of weight, I'm just some 273-pound fat chick. But I feel SO good and I'm so confident at this size. I can go into pretty much any store and buy clothes. Cute clothes, too! I keep wondering if I feel this good at this point, what will 200 pounds feel like?? I have no real experience at a weight like that so I'm not familiar with what weighing 200 lbs. (or much less) then ballooning up to 273 feels like. I do know if I gained 100 lbs. back right now, I'd completely fall apart. So I guess I'm starting to understand. I'm looking forward to 200, which is my final goal. I may lose a few more so I can say I'm under 200. LOL!

Over the holidays, I took several pictures in deliberate poses for before-and-after comparisons. The results, in some cases, were quite shocking. I posted an album on my Facebook page but here they are (as always, click to enlarge). The 2008 shots are the top pics, 2009 the bottom.

Erich's birthday:

New Year's Eve (with my BFF Katrina):

Christmas at mom & dad's:

Christmas eve, Erich's mom's:

That bottom pic is completely shocking to me. In the 2008 photo, I look like freakin' Jabba the Hut or something. I mean seriously? When these 'before' photos were taken, I had already made up my mind to have the surgery and had already applied and everything. Less than two months later, in February, Erich and I would make our first trip to Detroit to begin the process. I remember seeing that bottom picture, as well as the one of Katrina and me, and just being horrified. I never even edited the last one to post or share with anyone till the other day.

What did I do to myself?? It's shameful that I let myself be like that. I can't imagine how I didn't see it years before. Of course, I knew I needed to lose weight but I should've realized the urgency long before I did - like when I weighed 273 pounds maybe! I look at the 2008 bottom picture and am amazed at the love from my husband. I look at that and wonder how, or why, he was with me. Yes, I know how terrible that sounds. But Erich is a very good-looking, wonderful man. It blows my mind, but I'm grateful. Look how he has his arm around me so lovingly and smiling so big beside me. I'm soooooo grateful for his love and support.

And why the hell didn't my brother-in-law, who took that awful picture, tell me my shirt was gapped open at the bottom??? ;-)

A friend responded to the 2009 picture from Erich's birthday on Facebook and said "You are so beautiful. Erich is a lucky man." I burst into tears. All my life, every man I've ever been with, I never felt I measured up. I always felt like people were looking at us going "How in the world did she get him?" I've been with some pretty good-looking guys, believe it or not! LOL! I'm starting to feel like I belong with Erich. Like we look good together. It's a whole new mindset. Bring on 2010, 'cause I'm ready!