In A Dream

Several days ago, I had a dream which really can only be described as some sort of "Twilight Zone"-themed nightmare. It was also a wake-up call...literally.

I wake up alone in my bedroom. My back hurts and I have a horrible headache. I feel awful, but I have to go to work so I attempt to haul myself from the bed. When I sit up, it is extremely difficult for some reason; I can't seem to make my body move the way it should. "What is wrong with me?" I think, groaning under the strain of simply moving. But I do find success and when I stand up, I look across the room to the big mirror on the back of my dresser - it faces my bed. Stunned at my reflection, a muffled gasp escapes from my throat. My face. I notice my face first. It is round, full and terrifying in its familiarity. My eyes sweep downward from there and I realize that this is my pre-op body, myself at my worst, highest weight. Around 500 pounds. This is why I am in pain. This is why I can't move.

Hold on.

Didn't I lose weight? Didn't I work so hard to prevent this feeling from ever coming back to me? What happened? Did I blow it? Did I gain everything back and then some while in some sort of pizza-and-Timbit-induced coma so that I don't remember gaining it??

Am I losing my mind or what?

Where's Erich??

Wait....

Where is me?? Myself?? The woman I worked so hard to find underneath? This is not me. What the hell happened?

Then I realize that success was a dream. I dreamed that I lost weight. I dreamed that I could run, ride rollercoasters and sit on my husband's lap. I simply dreamed those new skinny jeans, the tall boots and concert t-shirts. It never happened and this is me. I look in the mirror again...reality.

Success was a dream.

I start to cry. No, wail. I am wailing in agony. How could I have such a cruel dream? To have something like that and it be taken away in such an awful, terrible, crushing slap in the face? I collapse back onto the bed with a huge thud, my body feeling like a ton of lead. I am not used to this. I am used to feeling lighter. I thought I wasn't, but I am. How could I get used to something like that if it were only a dream?

About that time, my eyes fly open in a panic and I awake for real. Or is it for real? I am afraid to move for a second, afraid of reality. I look over at my "shoe shelf" and see my tall, black boots. Ok. I take a 10-second stock of my surroundings, my brain...Erich is sleeping beside me. Good sign. I sit up easily and look over in the dresser mirror. I know my face. Taking a deep breath, I get out of bed and blink, again looking around.

I did lose the weight. It wasn't a dream and I am ok.

I think this was a Fat Flashback of the worst kind. Worst because our subconscious mind can make things so real it is sometimes truly horrifying. And it was also a reminder to not fall back into old habits because that's what gaining it all back feels like. Or at least, that's what it would feel like for me.

I said in my last blog that my goal was to lose weight this holiday season, not gain it. Somehow, I achieved that - I lost five pounds. Better than gaining!! I have more work to do and honestly, I believe that dream was someone poking me on the shoulder telling me to not lose sight of the original dream that I worked so hard to bring into fruition: a new life, a new normal. It's here and all I have to do is keep the ball rolling.

Three resolutions in the new year: More gym time - it's fallen by the wayside in the past couple of months. There's no maintenance without movement.

Find some way to back up the hard drive in a more permanent way. I'm checking out online services such as Mozy and I intend to get finally suck it up and buy an external hard drive. Double back up. I'd seriously DIE if my HD crashed. A lot of stuff is backed up, but a lot isn't. Time to do something before the worst occurs and I end up in a fetal position, babbling "But I was going to..." over and over.

I need to pay more attention to this blog. I'm getting lazy in more ways than one. And I absolutely know that when I attend to this blog, I also attend to myself in a more meaningful way.

If I don't get to a new blog before the new year, you all have a great and safe celebration. Keep in mind you don't need a new year to start over, though it's as good a time as any. Just put one foot in front of the other. Peace!