Who Says You Can't Go Home?

Ok, so I've been really busy lately and learning things about me more and more. I consistently underestimate myself, even though I'm the same person who lost 250 pounds and completely changed my life. That, all by itself, should let me know that I am capable of pretty much anything.

During the first week of August, I went home to Ohio for a week-long visit with my parents and old friends. Maybe I am truly blessed but I am someone who can always go home:



The week started off with a family reunion, continued with fabulous lunches, coffees, shopping and dinners with old friends. My days were busy with activity and my nights were spent chilling out at the house with my parents. It was a good trip, just what I need every time I make it. Here's a photo of my parents and me, right before we left to come back to Ontario (click to enlarge):



We took only one day trip to Serpent Mount, the largest prehistoric effigy mound in the world...conveniently located about 20 minutes from my parents' house. Erich has seen the mound featured on television specials on the Sci-Fi and History Channel and always wanted to go there but for some reason, we never got around to it. This year, we did. I hadn't been there myself since a grade-school field trip. It was a pretty cool place and definitely worth the trip. While there, we climbed the observation tower to have a look at the mound from above. As I ascended the stairs, I couldn't help but think this was yet another thing I would never have attempted pre-op. We had someone else up there take our photo (click to enlarge):



I continued my 10K training in Ohio - as I mentioned in my last blog, the local YMCA offered me a free guest membership while I was there. The facilities were very good and made it easy for me to get my workouts in. I would get up and go in the morning, before Erich woke up and we started our day.

Of course, one of the perks of crossing the border is getting all the goodies that aren't available here, especially to those of us who have had gastric bypass surgery. The sugar-free syrups to put in our protein shakes, the MUCH larger varieties of low-fat and sugar-free food...and the much lower prices of things that can be found here. Everyone...EVERYONE...loads up on supplies when in the States. Here's my haul:



A variety box of low-sugar oatmeal! Cool flavours of protein bars and Mio! Torani syrup AND...I found sugar-free syrups at Ollie's and the dollar store for....wait for it...ONE DOLLAR. And yes, they were sweetened with Splenda. I would've bought an entire case if they would've had it. OMG. I was so happy. LOL! That big bottle of sugar-free maple syrup there in the middle? That costs less than a bottle almost half its size here. I had my dad order high-dosage calcium supplements from GNC; not available in Canada. Nice haul.

Right after I came back, I had to get super focused at work because my supervisor was going on vacation for two weeks. We are the only two people left in my department so that meant I was alone. For two weeks, running the whole show by myself. I don't mind telling you I was pretty worried about this. There's a reason he's my supervisor and gets paid more than me - he does things I never do. And to be frank, I'm not too interested in learning the things he does without the bump in pay that should rightfully come with it. But I had no choice. I dread letting people down. I dread not rising to the occasion. Like most people, I think, but my drama-queen nature creates/amplifies crises on a regular basis. But I think I did a pretty good job, all in all. I didn't kill anyone so that's a plus. Seriously, I was fine about 95% of the time. I shake my head at myself...I really am a much more capable person than I realize.

You all are more capable than you realize. I sometimes need to be reminded of my own motto: You are stronger than you think you are. For sure!

Memories

I was thinking the other day about memories. Not the kind that are warm & fuzzy, but the kind you think back on and never want to repeat. Memories about the way life used to be for me before I had this surgery. Some might say the life I had pre-op is better left to the ash heap but I feel it's good to keep certain things in mind so when I want to reach for that second Timbit (which, I've decided, are the devil's candy), it's easier to say no.

When choosing this apartment, I had to consider the stairs of the building. Did I want to climb up a flight (or two) or go down a flight? This would determine what floor we lived on. So that's why we have a basement apartment. Not as bad as it sounds - it's really quite nice with tons of large windows. However, I'd love to have a balcony. But that would've meant climbing stairs or living in a more expensive building with an elevator. No balcony for Cindy. Now, when I'm home and want to leave, of course I still have to go up a flight but better that than carrying groceries up some stairs, right?

Carrying groceries. Um yeah. I hardly ever did that. Anything that had to be hauled out of the car was Erich's job. I usually stumbled in the door and collapsed on the couch for about an hour after we went anywhere. I was usually hot, in pain and completely exhausted. I've seen him make 5 or 6 trips to the car to bring stuff in, especially after we'd been on vacation or something. I always felt guilty about that but there was no way I could help him. Now I beat him back and forth to the car, trotting up and down that flight of stairs like it's nothing.

I sit in the bath now and run my hands along the water at my sides and remember when my ass made a pretty good Hoover Dam-like stopper. I remember 20 years ago shopping for a trailer with my ex-husband and one of the main selling points of the eventual winner was the 'garden' tub in the master bathroom. It was about 1-1/2 times as wide as a normal tub - SOLD! I do love my baths. Now the size of the tub really doesn't matter. Even hotel tubs work. This may seem like a small thing, but it's a big deal to me. Also, getting out of the tub used to involve mechanics better reserved for four-point parallel parking. Roll to the side..stop. Grab side of tub and hoist body up on one knee...stop. Count to three then liiiiffffttt!!!...stop. Stand there a second to re-gain balance...stop. Now I simply...get up. Stop.

'Shopping' used to mean two stores. And usually for bottoms only. It was a rare circumstance when I could find a top to fit me anywhere, in any store, plus size or not. Can you imagine what it feels like to try on a 6X - knowing that is the biggest size in any store you can get to - and it doesn't fit? I hoarded clothes. I had shirts in my closet that were more than 10 years old. I wore them long after they should've been thrown out due to wear and tear or style. I never knew where my next shirt was coming from. My mother-in-law made a lot of stuff for me, thank GOD, but I couldn't just go out and get something new. Ever. Now there are things in my closet less than a year - even 6 months - old and I'm having to get rid of them because they're too big. It's a little traumatic for me. I hate to part with my clothes; it's a psychological thing, I guess. I need to remember that I can wear things in any store now. I can always go get more clothes.

I remember when I longed to be invisible. It's an odd thing that the bigger you are, the more people try their best to ignore you and the more you WANT them to do just that because attention you do receive is likely to be condescending or insulting. I don't mind bright colours or tighter clothes now. I don't need or want to hide. I will get on the dance floor, I will walk right past a pack of teenage boys, I will look people in the eye and smile at them. All without fearing being laughed at. It's a work in progress but I'm getting there. Just yesterday I walked past a group of teenagers laughing and talking and didn't have any paranoia that they were laughing at me. That's a good feeling.

I could go on and on and on but you get the idea. I never could've imagined life this way. I've mentioned this word before but it's just freedom. Freedom from fear, really. Fear eats at you till you obey its every whim without a second thought. Letting go of the fucking fear is so hard. People look at me differently now and sometimes I wonder why; that's the old fear creeping in. Don't wonder - just live your life! This is how normal, happy people live. I tell myself 'remember the way life used to be and resolve never to go back'. Sweeping Cindy, right? Out with the old and in with the new.

Now onto lighter subjects. There's a link in the left-hand column to a fantastic blog I visit frequently. The World According to Eggface is very helpful to post-ops. She just gave her blog a facelift and is having a contest to celebrate! She's giving away a variety pack of Torani syrups. These syrups are way cool and very handy to have in the post-op world. They're difficult for Canadians to get our hands on, though, and I usually import them when I got home to Ohio. So, I'm entering. Fellow readers, especially my gastric bypass patient readers, check out Eggface and leave a comment on her contest blog to enter.

I'm gonna post her snazzy new button thingy just because she asked:

Sugar-free treats

One of the most annoying (for want of a better word) parts of getting used to life after gastric bypass is avoiding the dreaded Dumping Syndrome.

This page explains dumping in a nutshell:

"As a result of gastric bypass surgery, you no longer have the Pyloric valve which regulates the passage of food from the stomach into the small intestines. Food enters the intestinal tract in a different place than it is supposed to - since the first part of the system has been bypassed. So, when sugar is now being dumped into your lower intestines (that aren't equipped to process it) and your body reacts by having all the symptoms mentioned above. The key is to avoid the foods that cause Dumping Syndrome."

I've read about this and heard from other patients that when they have dumped, it feels like they are going to die. It feels like a heartattack or an anxiety attack. And after it's over, you just want to sleep. Dumping isn't physically dangerous but it is not something any of us want to go through. So we must avoid sugar and all its by-products like the plague.

Now, every gastric bypass patient is different. Some people tolerate sugar fine, but I'm not about to test the theory. I just don't eat sugar. The irony of being cured of diabetes yet having to restrict the sugar in my diet even more now than when I was on 1000mg of Metformin a day is not lost on me. It sucks. But it is what it is so I put on my big-girl panties and deal with it.

I personally have never had a dumping episode. Again...I avoid sugar. I don't avoid sugar alcohols as they don't seem to bother me much though I know some gastric bypass patients have trouble digesting them. The only way to know is to test the waters, unfortunately. Splenda is my friend. I drink Crystal Light by the gallon and enjoy sugar-free candy, cookies, etc. I don't eat that stuff all the time, but I firmly believe that you gotta treat yourself occasionally or you'll end up at Walmart with an assault rifle, finger on the trigger, aiming for the first chick who reaches for the Twinkies in aisle seven. I'm just sayin'.

Some of my favorite SF gear include (click to enlarge):

Werther's Originals:

Hershey's Sugar-Free Miniatures (YUM):

Splenda Flavors for Coffee (only in the U.S., sorry):

Murray's line of sugar-free cookies. I'm partial to the chocolate-chip pecan. I found these at Walmart in the States, but haven't seen them in Canada. But I haven't looked for them a lot, either.

Voortman's makes a great line of sugar-free cookies, too. I found the wafers at Walmart here in town and they're a great after-dinner cure for the sweet tooth.

I like all these products but that's only my opinion. I'm just throwing out suggestions.

Over the holidays I found a couple recipes online that turned out quite well! I tested these on co-workers, family and friends and the 'normal' people really liked them, too.

Low-Carb, Sugar-Free Peanut Butter Cookies

1 cup peanut butter (smooth or chunky)
3/4 cup Splenda
1 large egg

Mix all three ingredients with a spoon until well combined. Drop by heaping teaspoonful or even tablespoonful on an ungreased cookie sheet. Use a fork to squish them down to the height you like. You can make the traditional crisscross pattern with your fork or vary it. Bake at 350 degrees for 10 to 12 minutes.

Sugar Free Brownies

1/2 cup margarine
1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
2 eggs
2 cups Splenda
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup skim milk
1/2 cup chopped walnuts (optional)

Preheat oven to 350°. Spray Pam and flour an 8x8-inch pan. In a small saucepan, over medium heat, melt margarine and cocoa together, stirring occasionally until smooth. Remove from heat and set aside to cool. In a large bowl, beat eggs until frothy. Stir in Splenda. Combine the flour and salt; stir into the egg mixture then mix in the cocoa and margarine. Finally stir in the 1/4 cup of milk and if desired, the walnuts.

Pour into the prepared pan bake for 25-30 minutes in the preheated oven. Stick in a toothpick--when it comes out clean it’s done. Let cool and then cut into squares.

Sugar-free peanut butter frosting

1 cup peanut butter
1/2 cup sugar-free maple syrup
1/2 cup flour

Whisk or blend together all ingredients until smooth and creamy.

The peanut butter frosting goes well with the brownies. As you can see, I love peanut butter. LOL! I have several other recipes to try and if they turn out well, I'll share them.

I have used sugar-free Torani chocolate syrup in place of the maple syrup in the frosting and to me, it tasted better that way. You could use vanilla, too, or whatever flavor you like. A friend recently told me us Canadians could get the vanilla variety of the sugar-free Torani syrup at Williams Coffee Pub. You can also order from this website, but you need to contact them about the cost of shipping to Canada. Torani is $4.95 (or was it $4.25?) a bottle at just about any Walmart in the States. If you get to the States, you might want to just stock up.

In any event, treat yourself every now and then. You deserve it! I think of it this way: I had this surgery so I could live, you know? Don't tell me I can never have another cookie! :-)