Unforgettable

I notice I tend to put off posts when I feel like I don't have a lot of good things to say. This wasn't the case in the past; I used this platform to blow off steam, vent about my frustrations and generally bitch and moan. But in the past year or so, I feel like my posts should have a positive spin, some lesson to be learned.

But I haven't been in a positive head space lately. I've lost a ton of weight. I've had a tummy tuck to make me even more aesthetically pleasing. And yet I'm still not totally happy. This has nothing to do with losing weight or how I look. It has to do with how I feel, about me. I get that.

And there's this: It's been almost 4-1/2 years since my surgery and about 3 years since I have been this size. The shine seems to have worn off the diamond. I'm accustomed to myself now and no longer think I look so awesome. For the past few years, I would look at photos of myself and couldn't believe it was me! That ship has mostly sailed, and if anything, I look at photos and would swear to you that I looked better than the person shown. That's new to me; I was used to myself pre-op. I had always been very obese and well...that's how I looked. I never shied away from cameras and just accepted it. So it's frustrating to me that I am becoming uncomfortable with the way I look.

I don't know how to explain it better than that. It's a very odd emotional state.

One more thing bugging me more and more lately: Why the hell am I so unforgettable? I seem to slip peoples' minds. And what is it about me that makes people not listen when I talk or remember what I say? Very often I find myself thinking "Yeah, I said that 5 days ago," or "Yeah, that was actually my idea," or "Yeah, I was there and spoke to you several times." I have never been the type of person people go out of their way for. But the way I am sometimes ignored is really starting to get on my nerves. And I have to think the way I'm treated has something to do with the way I carry myself, the way I feel about myself. The common denominator is me. You teach people how to treat you.

I'm tired of feeling like shit inside but putting on a smile.

All of this boils down to self-esteem. So if you're going to tell me that losing weight doesn't fix your head, please don't. I know that. I've written about it a lot. Putting it into practice is a whole different level of awareness that I'm just starting to really, really GET. And no one can change it but me. It may mean some big, big changes but I'm starting to think I have to do some things for ME. Not trying to please everyone else, not trying to just go along for the sake of argument. But for ME.

When people forget you, you have to remember yourself.

Good enough

A friend of mine shared the following image on Facebook a few days ago and it's resonated with me ever since:



First of all, can we all agree on the Melissa McCarthy love? She is so awesome. I love her to death. And in this instance, she is totally spot on.

So many of us who go through dramatic weight loss think we'll be pleased when we get to the "end" of our journeys. We think if we can just lose the weight, we will finally accept the person staring back at us from the mirror. Of course, that's not always the case. We do look and feel better, but I know I speak for myself and others when I say some of us go, "Is that it? Is this what I looked like underneath all that? Really?" So we pick. And piss. And moan.

"My stomach is horrible."
"I would kill for your thighs."
"I need $100,000 worth of plastics!"
"God, my bones stick out now! They hurt!"
"How did that woman lose more weight than me and look that good and I look like a freak??"
"Oh no....I don't look great. I still have 10 more pounds to lose."
"Now my nose is too big for my face."
"Where did these knobby knees come from??"
"I have a small bump one millimeter from my left big toenail that's bothering me. Maybe I need more plastics."

I could go on and on, but you get the drift.

The point is, after losing weight, we transform from fat chicks bitching about our weight to normal-weight chicks bitching about....everything. "Normal" women are notorious for complaining about their image and swatting away compliments like flies. We are no different.

When is good enough, good enough? As Melissa points out, where does it end?

I'm guilty of this myself! I've written in this very blog about some of the statements I'm listing here. Do I think I look better after losing 250 pounds? Yes. Do I think I look good? Not really. And I'm starting to worry that I'm putting too much pressure on this tummy tuck. I will not look perfect when it's done, in much the same way that the gastric bypass didn't make my life perfect, either. NO ONE looks perfect, and even if WE think someone does, trust me - that person can tell you about his or her 100 physical flaws they themselves see.

Until we focus on the inside, the outside will never measure up. I'm not talking about 25 pounds of excess skin. That's a legitimate health concern in some cases and should be dealt with however the individual sees fit. Some people are fine with it. More power to 'em! But for the most part, we have to come to terms with our own imperfections and embrace them as part of our unique self! Yeah, I know...what a bunch of hokey self-help crap. Well, not really. It is true, but very difficult to execute in the real world. Some of us may never get there. All we can do is try.

I will if you will!

Fear and loathing

What are we afraid of?

I'm not talking about things like ghosts, spiders or heights. I'm talking about what it is we think will happen if we go for what we want. What's stopping us? What's stopping you? What's stopping me?

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. Making excuses for not having what we want...that is a form of self-flagellation, isn't it?

I don't have time.
I need to do 1), 2) and 3) first.
I don't possess the skills to have it.
Who do I think I am to want it?
What will people think?
What makes me think I can do it?
I don't deserve it.
I can't do it.

So we get into the cycle of desire, sabotage of procrastination, self-hatred for not achieving and finally acceptance of defeat. I know I've gone through this my whole life. While there have been times I've made some very big, outside-the-box decisions that have worked out well for me, I still lack the self-esteem in some areas that keeps me from having what I really want. By now, I should know and understand my abilities. But a lot of times I don't, and I know I'm not alone.

Why is that? It's like some of us are afraid of success. What do we think will happen if we succeed? Why is it scary?

I get angry at myself for doing this, which often makes things much worse. Anger turned inward is depression. Anger itself isn't a bad thing; it's just energy. But energy needs to be focused in a way that is useful to us. What would happen if we turned that energy on itself, channeling it into a way that can help us achieve what we want, what we deserve? If we do that, depression has no choice but to make room for comfort, complacency....success and happiness.

Happiness, my friends, is subconsciously terrifying for some. We all say we want it, but we put barriers between ourselves and that "goal" allll the time. Is it because we think if we achieve happiness, there will be nothing left to strive for? But there is always more. Always something new to keep us going. I think it has more to do with how we feel about ourselves. And we need to change that mindset to ever feel settled and satisfied.

Practice being good to yourself and searching for ways to direct anger, guilt and self-loathing into more positive pursuits. Think about what will make you happy. Why can't you have this? You know you can. Of course you can! Think of someone else who has what you want. They're no more deserving (often less so) than you are.

I'll try to remember my motto if you will: I am stronger than I think I am.