Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Unforgettable

I notice I tend to put off posts when I feel like I don't have a lot of good things to say. This wasn't the case in the past; I used this platform to blow off steam, vent about my frustrations and generally bitch and moan. But in the past year or so, I feel like my posts should have a positive spin, some lesson to be learned.

But I haven't been in a positive head space lately. I've lost a ton of weight. I've had a tummy tuck to make me even more aesthetically pleasing. And yet I'm still not totally happy. This has nothing to do with losing weight or how I look. It has to do with how I feel, about me. I get that.

And there's this: It's been almost 4-1/2 years since my surgery and about 3 years since I have been this size. The shine seems to have worn off the diamond. I'm accustomed to myself now and no longer think I look so awesome. For the past few years, I would look at photos of myself and couldn't believe it was me! That ship has mostly sailed, and if anything, I look at photos and would swear to you that I looked better than the person shown. That's new to me; I was used to myself pre-op. I had always been very obese and well...that's how I looked. I never shied away from cameras and just accepted it. So it's frustrating to me that I am becoming uncomfortable with the way I look.

I don't know how to explain it better than that. It's a very odd emotional state.

One more thing bugging me more and more lately: Why the hell am I so unforgettable? I seem to slip peoples' minds. And what is it about me that makes people not listen when I talk or remember what I say? Very often I find myself thinking "Yeah, I said that 5 days ago," or "Yeah, that was actually my idea," or "Yeah, I was there and spoke to you several times." I have never been the type of person people go out of their way for. But the way I am sometimes ignored is really starting to get on my nerves. And I have to think the way I'm treated has something to do with the way I carry myself, the way I feel about myself. The common denominator is me. You teach people how to treat you.

I'm tired of feeling like shit inside but putting on a smile.

All of this boils down to self-esteem. So if you're going to tell me that losing weight doesn't fix your head, please don't. I know that. I've written about it a lot. Putting it into practice is a whole different level of awareness that I'm just starting to really, really GET. And no one can change it but me. It may mean some big, big changes but I'm starting to think I have to do some things for ME. Not trying to please everyone else, not trying to just go along for the sake of argument. But for ME.

When people forget you, you have to remember yourself.

4 comments:

  1. LMAO. I responded and was told the post must be under 4,096 characters. I copied it and am sending you an email. What a long winded bitch I am. LOL

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  2. Well, I'm still reading you so you're not so "forgettable". :)

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  3. The people who are important in your life will never find you Unforgettable.......& forget the ones who aren't, make them Forgettable! Remember that you have so much to offer people, (even people you never have heard of; such as Me. lol.....) who follow your brave approach to better health. I found your blogs when I decided to look into plastic surgery for my "fat flap" after a large weight loss. So just wanted to say Thanks for all the honest wisdom & support that you give people you don't even know who are following your progress. Good Luck

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  4. Sorry. but I have to comment - hope I don't sound like a prig. Being "unforgettable" means that people do NOT forget you. The first sentence of Nancy's post means that people WILL find you forgettable (as she's used a double negative). Even Cindy - who's a brilliant writer - has got them mixed up by asking "Why the hell am I so unforgettable?" That means people DON'T forget you, which is what you want Cindy. :)

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