Who I am

I've been looking back at photographs tonight and thinking about what I've done and who I've become by getting here. So many people tell me I'm different inside as well as outside.

Who am I now, after the journey from there:


to here?


I am happy. What does happy mean? People tell me I am optimistic now in a way I wasn't before all of this. That I smile more; there is a weight lifted from me emotionally. I think a lot of this has to do with simply feeling better physically. Being more active makes you feel better. All my co-morbidities (diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea) are gone and I am more energetic. I can sleep at night! I can think more clearly and my body doesn't betray me anymore. All of this would improve anyone's mood. LOL! There's also a self-awareness that has come along with weight loss. Which brings me to the following:

I am strong - physically and emotionally. I understand my own depth now. Some of that comes with age. When I was younger, I was "the tough one", not one to cry easily. But real strength comes from not being afraid to show people how you feel. Erich gets a lot of credit here, too. He makes me feel secure and loved. With emotional awareness and strength comes physical prowess. The perfect storm for finding the power within yourself to change. It's all mind over matter (well, most of it is, anyway).

I am fearless. There's the ziplining and the roller coasters and stuff, sure. But it's more than that. Losing this weight has taught me that I can do just about anything so why not try it? I'm like a child wanting to push the envelope and try, do anything I can. I have very little fear of anything these days.

I am free. The physical and emotional baggage that comes with 250 extra pounds can't be overstated. Being obese my whole life did something to my soul, tethering me to doubt and grief. I was grieving for a life I didn't even know was out there; held back and not realizing it. Is there anything worse than confinement in a prison of your own making?? It means you and you alone are responsible for your liberation. It took me a long time to understand that. I'm still frustrated in other areas of my life because of this one truth; but I'll get there. I'll make changes one at a time. I'll do it because I am worth it!

I am honest. You must be truthful with yourself. Don't kid yourself and think you can skip a week or two of workouts (been there, done that). Don't kid yourself and think you can have the bag of potato chips and not pay for it later. This has carried itself into other areas of my life. Truth is kind. It is your friend, even though you may not always see it that way at first. It makes you happy, strong, fearless and free. That's it.

So much has happened in the past couple of years. I may not be the best person to give advice but what the hell, here it is, paraphrasing a wise quote from Dr. Phil (oh, yes...THAT Dr. Phil): The only thing worse than being in an abusive relationship for 10 years, or however long, is being in that relationship for 10 years and one day. I was in an abusive relationship with myself. Make the change NOW. I wish I'd done it decades ago, but I can't think about all that's lost. All I can do is move forward. And seriously...you can, too.

Record keeping

As I'm thinking about buying new calendars for 2011 I noticed that I will need a new one for my purse. It was a two-year planner and MAN ALIVE! What a two years it has been!

I know I've showed my planner to a few people in person but I don't think I've ever blogged about it. Before all this started back in February 2009, I went to the dollar store and grabbed a small planner so I could keep track of my doctors' appointments and stuff. The first entry is in late January reminding me of an appointment at the sleep lab. I was being tested for sleep apnea, which I would learn was quite severe.

February is more active because well, that's when all hell broke loose. Thank goodness! I had the two-day seminar/surgeon appointment in Detroit and I decided to keep track of my weight by writing it down. Back then, I weighed in on Tuesdays. I chose Tuesday because I'd been to see Dr. Genaw for the first time on the 4th and he told me to lose 40 pounds. My birthday was on the 7th; I didn't want to diet on my birthday! I had birthday dinners planned over the weekend and on the Monday. So I chose to start my pre-op "diet" on the 10th - a Tuesday. The "mask fitting" note is for my sleep apnea mask. The pictures aren't great but you get the idea. As always, click to enlarge:



It looks like I lost six pounds over that weekend but really it was four. My scales at the time were not in sync with the ones in Detroit but I wouldn't figure that out for a while yet. LOL!

Here are another couple of months pre-op. May 2009 seemed to be particularly challenging. That was month my grandmother passed away. She was not well and I eventually traveled to Ohio, staying for over a week till she passed and helping with the funeral, etc., and dealing with all the stress. I was going through losing one of the two most important women in my life, the surgery date looming over me and knowing I needed to lose a lot more weight by then. I was a wreck, pretty much....



But I got my shit together and managed to lose over 70 pounds by my surgery date, making Dr. Genaw VERY happy. A couple of weeks later I got new scales that were more accurate. I still use them, even though I don't need the 450-lb. capacity anymore or the 'talk' feature. I can see past my stomach now and look at the numbers myself. I actually turned the 'talk' feature off because the new kittens were stepping all over it all the time and all I ever heard from the hall was "Hello. I'm ready." GAH!

July was great but looks like I hit a plateau in October. I remember thinking WTF? I should be losing more. I think my body just needed a break. Things were back on track by December when I rewarded myself with a trip to Nashville. That was one of the best trips ever! Sure wish I could go again this year!



Sometimes it seems like the scale isn't moving at all. And truth is sometimes it doesn't! But the sun will rise tomorrow. Having these records helped me to see that even if I had a rough patch, I always - always - came out of it and started losing again. Just keep on keepin' on! Never give up. Witness April/May 2010 - nothing the first three weeks then BAM! and we're rollin' again. I had little gains, too, but I always bounced back.



The Summer of Cindy was a very busy time. I felt like my weight loss over the summer completely sucked but when I looked back I could see that really, there was still a downward spiral (which in this case, is a good thing). The numbers on the right of the page still went down, generally.



It took me longer than I anticipated or wanted, but eventually I did reach my goal! I was weighing myself almost every day at the end. LOL! The suspense was making me crazy and honestly, the stress I put on myself probably caused me to hold onto the pounds a little longer than necessary. It's all water under the bridge now.



I guess you got a glimpse into all the other stuff I was doing with my planner besides tracking my weight :) I blogged about most of it anyway, so there's nothing earth shattering in there.

So anyway, I thought I'd share my little record book with you all to show that I think it's very important to have a tangible reminder that things will be ok. You'll get over the plateau and make it through whatever crap is happening to REACH YOUR GOAL. It may not be on your timeline but you'll get there!

My weight since reaching my goal has been up a pound or two, down a pound or two. I'm "hovering" around my goal weight which is what I'm supposed to be doing, I think! The quest for normal is an ongoing thing: How do I just BE? Just live my life, try to eat and exercise the best I can and get on with it. I don't want to obsess about it. So far, I'm doing ok.

Gimme some skin (or not)

Did I say in my last installment to look for a few new blogs soon? Um...sorry. I had the best intentions but pfffft...

I've blogged before about wanting to have a panniculectomy to remove excess skin on my midsection. A panniculectomy is different from a tummy tuck (abdomnioplasty); a tummy tuck tightens the muscle as well as removes excess skin and fat, but a panniculectomy only removes excess skin and fat. The panniculectomy is, from everything I'd read and heard about, the procedure that OHIP (Ontario Health Insurance Plan) might cover. A couple of weeks ago, I went to a doctor in London, Ontario, to see about having this surgery. I understand that in most cases, OHIP will not cover the cost of a panniculectomy. But sometimes they do. I had to go find out for myself if I would be a viable candidate. I figured what did I have to lose?

Well, apparently, I had to lose almost two entire days off work, a lot of my sanity and $80.00 (not counting gas money and cell phone charges).

There was a huge mix-up for my first appointment. Long story short: I was told to go to one location, went there and couldn't find the doctor! No one in the building had ever heard of her. No sign, no note, no nothing mentioning her at all. I kept calling her office trying to find out what the deal was. No answer. I left message after message, flagging them as 'urgent' and incurring long-distance roaming charges as there is no nationwide long-distance thing here in Canada. When a very nice lady at the hospital (totally NOT where the doctor told me to go but where her usual office is located) finally reached her, basically the response was "Yes, she had an appointment today. I was there and she wasn't. She needs to re-book."

"But she's come all the way from Kitchener (Kitchener is about 50 miles from London). She and her husband have taken off work. Can you possibly see her today?"

"No. I'm on the way home."

WHAT????? I was more than a little furious. She's in the car and won't turn around for me to come in for 20 fucking minutes so I don't have to do this all over again next week?? When it's HER fault I didn't see her? Seriously??

I was thinking maybe I didn't even want to deal with this doctor. However, she had just performed this surgery on a friend of mine - a fellow gastric bypass patient - who liked her very much. My friend's surgery was covered by OHIP so I knew this doctor knew how to work the system. After having to take my family doctor by the hand and lead her through the gastric-bypass process, that was important to me. Also, this doctor has a specialty in patients who have gone through massive weight loss. So I was going to call the next day and re-book. One more chance. BUT....she better not try to charge me a missed-appointment fee. Then we would fight. LOL!

I was at my desk at work for less than 10 minutes the next morning when her receptionist called me back to re-book. No apology. No nothing. There was a specific suite in the building I needed to go to. No one told me that; I looked over the notes I took when I was on the phone with her before the first appointment - nothing. I'm a pretty good note-taker. When people call me at work requesting changes to their printing designs/jobs, I have to be specific. So I still think she just didn't tell me this very important information.

"You realize," I said, "all of this could've been avoided if I could've simply reached someone at your office by phone." Sill no apology. She just said she wasn't answering the phone in that office, at the hospital, that day. Or returning messages flagged 'urgent', either, I suppose. Whatever. Re-booked for the following Monday.

I went alone this time as I didn't want Erich to have to take off work again. The doctor was indeed very nice (her receptionist leaves a lot to be desired, however, even in person) and I did like her. She was very impressed with my weight loss and said it was among the highest percentages she'd seen. She also told me I had more excess skin than she normally sees. Great! Maybe that would mean my chances of having the surgery covered would be better! Not so much.

"OHIP isn't in the business of covering tummy tucks," she began. Yeah, I know that! Not asking for a tummy tuck. While I do have a lot of excess skin, I haven't had any huge medical issues with it. By that, she said she means something requiring antibiotics or hospital stays. She said she could see I had some issues (which I'll spare you), but it's not enough. Not even worth applying to OHIP about.

That'll be $80.00 please! Cha-ching! At least there was no mention of a missed-appointment fee.

So yeah. I guess that ship has sailed and we're done! I have to learn to love my rolls, even though they aren't filled with anything anymore. LOL!

I did ask her opinion on how much skin there was - if she were to remove it all, how much would it be? Again she said I had more than the average patient, but it's never the magic 30 pounds everyone thinks it is! I can see that for sure. She told me her estimate would be 10-12 pounds. Now that's the removal of the skin everywhere - complete tummy tuck, upper arms, thighs. So I guess that would mean I'd hover around 180-185 without the skin. Still too much for the 'charts'. Maybe I should lose another 10-15 pounds? I dunno. I'm pretty happy the way I am (minus the skin issues). If it comes off, it does. I've lost 250 pounds and I have to take a breath for a minute. Just a minute.

Also a couple of weeks ago, I applied to Oprah for Erich and I to appear on a show about couples makeovers. If I can get some new clothes and style advice then why not? And having Erich do it with me would be really sweet. He is the only one who has been here with me, in person, every day, every step. His support has meant the world to me and if I can share some of the attention with him then I will. Plus, our 10th wedding anniversary is coming up in the spring, when the show would likely air. And this is a man who has "work" t-shirts and "dress" t-shirts. He could use some makeover help, too. LOL! We haven't heard a thing yet and I don't have my hopes up. But we'll see, right? It's like the lottery. If you don't play, your chances of winning are zero instead of just a long-shot.

Here's hoping for a trip to Chicago in the winter. LOL!

Who's that girl?

Have you ever looked at a photo of yourself and thought "Is that me??" Usually this happens to people as they gain weight and often serves as a wake-up call to finally get healthy again. But for me, it's happening as I lose weight.

I've always been heavy so I have no real reference point for me as a 'thin' person. I'm still not thin, but certainly look much more normal than I ever have in my life. I have friends who shy away from having their pictures taken because they feel they look 'fat' or whatever. I never understood that too well because most of the time, these people were much less than half my size! LOL! I never minded having my picture taken. I suppose I was resigned to the fact that hey - this is how I look so I need to just move the hell on and not be silly about it. I'm very much a "picture person" so there are photos of me and my family and friends all over my home. Doesn't bother me a bit. The only time a picture has ever really bothered me was the one from Christmas 2008, but by that time I'd already put things in motion to have the surgery. So it wasn't the catalyst for change, just reassurance that I was doing the right thing.

I've said before about how Halloween is my thing. I LOVE it - it's my favorite holiday by far. Yes, even more so than Christmas. I love the time of year and all things scary so it wins. This year I wanted to do something different with my costume so I added a wig. Now, I've always had a huge head. LOL! Wigs, hats - I couldn't find stuff like that to fit me. Have I even lost weight on my head?? Soooo weird, but maybe!

Erich and I went over to his mom's place for trick-or-treat like always, and like always, we took some pictures. At the last minute, I decided to take my glasses off for the photos. So when I saw the finished shots, I was a little stunned. Is that me? No...no way. THAT'S ME????



Seriously? That's me? Not to sound arrogant but I think I look pretty good there! If I didn't know that was me, I would see that picture and say "that's not a bad-looking chick". It feels very awkward and odd to even think that way about myself, not to mention say it out loud. I've never felt I was pretty. I sort of still have this notion that if I think it, feel it or say it, someone will come along and put me in my place - remind me that I'm fat and ugly. I guess I still see myself that way to a large extent or I wouldn't feel so 'unentitled' (is that a word?) to like the way I look.

I have stared at that picture for a week. Maybe I'm trying to get my brain to understand that it's really me? I don't know.

People tell me I look wonderful all the time. And I so appreciate it - it's a wonderful to have acknowledgment for what I've accomplished. But people will say that when you lose 250 pounds, right? It doesn't mean I'm pretty now! But that woman in the picture - I think she's ok looking. I don't look anything like that every day, certainly. Maybe I should go goth?? Dye my hair jet black, wear dark eye makeup and get contacts?? LOL! I don't think I could stick something in my eye, though. I've always wanted lasik eye surgery!

The Halloween pictures are some of the first from this whole journey where I look at them and don't see me. That's a really weird thing, let me tell you. I can still see Cindy in all the other photos that have been taken of me. I'm there, just much thinner. But that woman in the Halloween pictures, that is not the woman I think I am. I had no idea I could look that way. It's a reminder that I really need to work on having my brain and my body catch up to one another.

Here's one of Erich and myself plus a before-and-after shot of the past three Halloweens: 2008, 2009 and 2010:





I have been so busy lately and there is so much to write about! My little notebook where I jot down blog ideas is looking cluttered. So look for a few more blogs this week, unless life gets in the way.