In the morning

Tomorrow I will get up at the butt crack of dawn and head to Scarborough, on the east end of Toronto, to once again pay a surgeon to cut me open and try to repair some of the self-inflicted damage I have done to myself over the course of my life.

It's hard not to feel some guilt about the whole thing. It's my fault, after all! But I continue to attempt to forgive myself and learn from the mistakes of my past. A friend told me recently, "You know better now. You didn't then. Remember, you are worth it." This is good advice in theory, and I love her for saying it, but I dunno...intellectually, I absolutely knew what to do to achieve and maintain a healthy weight. I had followed so many diet programs that I knew a LOT about nutrition and exercise. I really did. I just chose not to follow it. I suppose we're all that way...we know what to do but for some reason we don't think we deserve it, so we sabotage ourselves. Why do we punish ourselves so much? That's the million-dollar question. If we could all come to terms with that and move past it, we'd all be fabulous and there'd be no reason for most forms of self-medication - from heroin and vodka to Prozac and Pop Tarts. There are biological and behavioral reasons for what we do; it's a struggle every day to overcome the demons we all face.

It seems like this is all happening very fast. My first visit with my plastic surgeon (PS) was in April! But honestly, I should've had this tummy tuck about 2 years ago. So I AM READY. Bring on the flat stomach. That concept is sort of unimaginable to me. Unlike some people who lose weight later in life, I do not remember myself thin. I have no point of reference. So this will be a whole new ball game for me once again. I had to get used to my new body when I lost weight and will have to do it again.

I was in Ohio recently visiting family and passed a display of various types of belts in a department store. I normally ignore such displays...though I did have to buy a (plain black) belt to hold up my jeans after I lost weight. In order to slip the jeans over the excess skin on my lower abdomen, the waist gaps quite a bit so I must wear a belt. However, I have never been able to tuck my shirt into my jeans, so pretty belts were not on my radar. When I passed the display, I said to Erich, "Hey...after the tummy tuck, maybe I can buy one of these snazzy belts because MAYBE I can tuck my shirt into my jeans so you'll be able to see it!" Seriously, this is a big deal. LOL!

It's the little things that so many people take for granted.

Also...I am losing patience with my Spanx. I have to wear it every day to keep my lower abdomen somewhat stable, i.e., so it doesn't shift around and give me a rash. I hate it and hope I won't have to wear it much - maybe on special occasions - after the surgery. Of course, I'll probably need a smaller size! I expect to have to buy new panties and maybe jeans. I think I might go down a size.

Ruby Gettinger once said of plastic surgery, "I'm trading fat for skin, skin for scars. The scars are a reminder of what I did to myself, and that's hard." It's clearly difficult to come to terms with the fact that you'll never look the way you're "supposed" to. But hey...all we can do is be the best we can be. Block out the bullshit and just soldier on. As for me, I'm happy I had the strength to save myself. Putting that knowledge up against the guilt helps. I'm alive! And I look pretty damn good. Tomorrow, I'll look even better!

My weight has been stabilized for well over a year now. It's higher than I'd like, but I have pretty much determined that I just need to come to terms with it and move on. My BMI is too high, but I firmly believe BMI charts are complete bullshit. Plus, I'm not one of those people who will track every single calorie, stop eating carbs and get up at 5am to go to my first of three spin classes a day. It's not happening. Maybe I'm just lazy, but I don't want to work that hard! I enjoy being active, though. And I no longer eat crap for crap's sake all the time. So if I can be healthy and active, then I'm good. I wanted to lose 10 pounds before this surgery, and I did that. But then I went to Ohio and because I wasn't a food/exercise Nazi, gained a few pounds back. Oh well. It seems like my body just wants to be at this weight. It is what it is! I was worried that my PS would ask me to lose weight before my surgery, but he said: "You are a big girl, very tall and sturdy (LOL), and you carry this weight very well. I am not going to require you to lose any weight. We will go ahead." Ok then! Good, because I'm done!

My surgery will take place at The Scarborough Hospital at 12:30pm; we have to be there at 10am. The surgery is supposed to take 4.5-5 hours. I will spend one night in the hospital and one night at a nearby hotel. My PS tells me I will have about 200 stitches and possibly a few staples. I will have drains in my abdomen for about 10 days; a home health care worker will come to the house to check on me after I go home. I'll be off work for 6 weeks. I work at a printing company in the art department but I don't sit at a desk all night. I am all over that plant doing several different things - I carry boxes of stock from the warehouse to the front, I load said stock into printers, etc. Sometimes I am working in four different rooms at once. It's a night shift thing. They have about a half dozen of us doing what 15-20 people do during the day. My job requires such activity that I've said many times I would not have been able to perform my duties at my former weight. So, since I can't lift or bend for a while, my PS recommends 6 weeks of leave. I'm kind of hoping I can get back before that, just to have the full paycheck!

Here we go! Yet another life change. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm nervous as well. Send good vibes for good drugs and a speedy recovery! I'll update when I can. Thanks to everyone who has followed me on this journey so far. We ain't done yet!