Sunday, October 25, 2009

A hairy situation

Losing your hair sucks.

Mine is starting to fall out - this is a normal side effect from gastric bypass surgery and not totally unexpected. It's also supposed to be a temporary thing. I have been taking biotin since day one in an effort to postpone it as much as possible, but I can't deny the handfuls of hair in my brush every day. I'm used to losing some hair when I brush it out but in the past week or so, the amount has increased very noticeably.

I have a thing about my hair. I've always said it's pretty much the only thing I have going for me physically (in my opinion, anyway). At least, I said that when I was younger! I used to have to go to the hairdresser and get it thinned out because it was so thick and wavy. I didn't quite know what to do with it for a long time, I'd try to make it straight and wore it quite short. But in my 20s, I learned to just kinda let it do what it wants to. The less I tinker with it, the better it seems to look. I do like a ponytail (a lot), but when I want to, I was always able to have a mass of wavy blonde curls floating down my back with minimal effort. It began to thin out in my 30s, though. And now I'm using volumizing shampoo and taking biotin in an effort to keep it looking normal. Kinda sucks.

Of course, malabsorption of nutrients is what causes this. All my bloodwork is normal, but my body has to go through a period of readjustment to the new amount of food I'm giving it. The most prominent advice for hair loss is to get more protein - somehow. We can't eat enough to get as much as we need so we have to rely on supplements. I admit I don't always get my protein shake in every day, but you bet your ass I will now!

I've blogged before about the quest for balance between good sense and vanity. But man...my hair? I'm pretty upset about this latest turn of events, lemme tell you. I do hope it's temporary. Maybe I'll get it cut in some new, shorter style. I dunno. The weird part about all this is that while I'm losing weight and everyone keeps telling me how great I look, I look at myself and think I already look worse in some ways than I did before. The sagging skin just looks horrible. And I'm kinda scared to think about what I'll look like when I'm done. But I'm really trying to remember why I'm doing this and that my health is the most important thing, not the way I look.

Oh, and I only lost two lbs. again last week so I'm now at 306, 138 total lost. I was thinking I'd be close to my goal by my birthday in Feb., but at this rate there's no way that's going to happen.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The turning point

My workouts with Jennifer are going well. I'm really starting to feel the burn, now; she is REALLY excited about that. LOL! She seems to get enjoyment out of seeing me sweat, which is funny to me. She knows what is best and lord knows - sweat and sore muscles are what we're after. So it's all good.

I had coffee the other night with one of you - my readers. I hate to reduce the relationship to that word - "reader". I prefer "friend". She lives very close to me, coincidentally, and we decided to get together. It was a wonderful experience and we talked and talked for 2-1/2 hours before we realized how late it was getting. She is a Bo Bice fan as well so we got along famously! Still very new in the process of gastric bypass, she had lots of questions for me and one in particular struck me as I realized I hadn't really blogged about it before.

What was the final thing to push me over the edge and decide to have this surgery?

I thought for a moment before answering. Really, I'm not sure there was a single one thing. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. There was prodding, though.

Last summer, a family friend had the procedure done about 30 mins. away, by a local doctor. Intrigued, I decided to call his office for an appointment even though the friend had said she was sure there was a lengthy waiting list. She herself had to wait about a year. So I called, and the receptionist told me that not only was the dr. not accepting new patients, he had halted his waiting list for at least a year. She told me, "Next summer we will review whether or not we will start the waiting list up again." Oh. Ok. So I had to wait another year to MAYBE get on the waiting list. This was one of the only doctors in Ontario to do the procedure; the rest had waiting lists of two to three years.

I was really devastated by this news. It depressed me for a couple of days. My ray of hope was snuffed out like a candle.

Ironically enough, the woman I had coffee with the other night is now a patient of this dr. Ontario has released more money to doctors who perform the surgery and I suppose now he's hired more help or something because he is accepting patients readily. Great news for her!

I put the gastric bypass on the back burner. But several occurrences last summer made me realize I had to do something and do it quickly.

In June, Erich and I traveled to Rochester, NY to see Lynyrd Skynyrd with friends. There was a hellacious hill we had to climb to get to the seating area. It damn near killed me to go up that hill. I almost didn't make it. I was embarrassed and so angry.

In July, I flew to Maryland for two Bo shows with three close girlfriends. Walking was getting to be such a hassle. I couldn't stand in the lines for the general admission shows; I could barely stand long enough for the concerts; after the second show, I was badly dehydrated, my knees buckling and back breaking, and my heart was racing. I plopped down near the edge of the dance floor and guzzled two bottles of water. I remember thinking "This is ridiculous."

In August, Erich and I traveled to Cleveland, again for a Bo show. The ONLY reason I went to this show was because I knew there were assigned seats. I had made up my mind that my general-admission-show days were over. I just couldn't do it anymore. My knees had been bothering me really badly since my trip to Maryland and for the Cleveland show, I had no choice but to take my cane - just to get from the parking lot to my seat. I ended up standing for his encore and for those few minutes, I thought I was going to collapse. It was awful. I remember coming home and looking at pictures of myself at that show and crying. What the hell was happening to me??

Erich & me in Cleveland (click to enlarge):


I was depressed for a while. It took me another couple months to get my shit together. I had heard about Henry Ford Hospital's bariatric program several years before and sort of tucked that information away in my mind. Now I pulled it back out. I talked to my family dr. about it. I got the necessary paperwork filled out and sent it in. I was approved for the out-of-country procedure and the rest is history.

Sometimes us Bo Peeps talk about how much Bo, and being a part of such a close fandom, has brought to our lives. Well.....I kinda think Bo Bice saved my life. If not for him, and all the wonderful friends I've made through him, I most likely would've been sitting on my couch and not traipsing all over North America trying with all my might to be active and to just LIVE. I doubt I would've noticed, or cared as much, that I couldn't stand up for hours at a time. My weight was preventing me from doing something I love more than anything - something that requires me to get out there and enjoy life. I wasn't enjoying my life anymore. Being a Bo fan helped me to see that. It wasn't the only thing, but those trips last summer really put an exclamation point on it for me. I was slowly dying and if I wanted to continue traveling, laughing, dancing, singing - kissing my husband goodnight and loving my full, precious life - I had to make some changes.

So thank you, Bo. And thank you to all my fellow Bo Peeps. I owe you!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Honey, I'm off to the gym!

Wow, what a week! Busy, busy. Let's do a rundown of the goings-on in Cindy's world:

- Gym: Ok, here's a shocker. I like going to the gym. Can you believe it? I certainly can't. I like the routine of it. I like the way it makes me feel - like I'm doing something good for me. It's taking care of myself and I haven't really done that before. I feel so accomplished when I get out of there. The personal training is also going well, too. Jennifer is pretty awesome. No Jillian-like tendencies, at least so far. LOL! I was concerned our personalities wouldn't mesh well or something but we get along fine. She's increasing the weight on the machines for me each session and we think we've 'hit my weight' this past week. She says I need to feel like I just can't push out one more then make myself do it. I'm there. Not in too much pain the day after at this point, though. Just my knees. We kinda baby those because well, we have to. I don't want to hurt myself.

I never thought I'd be one of those people talking about things 'at the gym'. That phrase was like a foreign language to me. But I find myself saying things like 'Honey, I'm going to the gym' or 'I saw that on CNN when I was at the gym on the treadmill' or 'No, I can't go tonight, I have to go to the gym'. Bizarre. And amusing! I crack myself up thinking about it.

- Thanksgiving: Last Monday was Thanksgiving Day and we went to my mother-in-law's for dinner. We chose to forego the turkey this year and she made schnitzel. I was able to eat a small piece of that, a forkfull of both stuffing and potatoes, a lone broccoli stalk and...that was about it. I was stuffed. A few hours later I had a tiny wedge of sugar-free pecan pie. It wasn't bad! I got the recipe from Susan Maria Leach's book, which I've discussed in past blogs. I've always preferred pecan pie to pumpkin, so it made the holiday a touch more 'Thanksgiving-ish' for me.

Amazing Pecan Pie

3 large eggs
3/4 cup Splenda granular
pinch of table salt
1 tsp. vanilla extract
4 tblsp. salted butter, melted
3/4 cup sugar-free maple syrup
1/2 cup chopped pecans, plus 10 halves
one 9-in. pie shell

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Beat the eggs in a large bowl until well blended and stir in the Splenda, salt, vanilla, butter and syrup. Mix in the chopped pecans and pour the filling into the pie crust. Arrange the pecan halves evenly on the custard and bake for 30 to 35 mins., until the sides are set and center is still a bit soft. Cool to room temperature and serve. Please note this pie doesn't have any sugar to act as a preservative so it must be kept in the fridge or it will spoil quickly.

Splenda is available everywhere - I actually used the Equate version, which is Walmart's store brand. Much cheaper and it works just fine. In her book, Susan tells us to use Steel's Sugar-Free Country Maple Syrup, and no other kind, in this recipe. She says she's tried other syrups and they don't work as well. I have searched and searched for Steel's in stores and online - it's not feasible for Canadians, it would seem. I used Cary's, which I got at the Walmart pharmacy, back with the diabetic supplies. It seemed to be just fine. Erich, my brother-in-law and mother-in-law all liked the pie just the way I made it. You can get a sugar-free syrup in Canada that is stocked on the shelf with the regular syrups (in the breakfast aisle), but that one has 'sugar alcohols' in it. Some gastric bypass patients are more sensitive than others and have dumping issues with sugar alcohol. I don't seem to, but I'm not pushing it. I just use Cary's. As for the pie shell, I just used a frozen one.

And while we're on the subject of recipes and food, I'm putting out an APB for a mini donut pan. If ANYONE out there can tell me where to find one, please help me out. There are protein donut recipes on the Eggface blog (see link at left) that I've been dying to try but I can't find the freakin' pan anywhere. You can order one from Amazon, but not to ship to Canada.

- Reward: Last Saturday, I got my ears pierced! I was going to do a tattoo for my 100-lb. milestone reward but I can't decide on a design. So, Erich and I went downtown (during Oktoberfest...not a great idea) and had my ears done by Tim, a guy we've known for years and has tattooed and/or pierced most of our friends. LOL! Including my ex-husband. Yeah, weird, I know. I know that at 39 I'm a little late to the game on pierced ears but I tried two different times when I was younger (jr. high, I think) and they just kept getting infected and wouldn't heal. So I gave up. Tim put stainless steel hoops in my ears and so far, I think they're healing up nicely. I am such a total wuss, he and Erich were laughing at me because I was wincing in pain and stuff. I told him 'There's a reason why I only have one tattoo. They hurt.' He responded, 'Well, let me recommend a place down the street for you when you get your next one then...' LMAO! I'm still thinking about that tattoo. I want one so much but yeah. They hurt. Wuss.

I only lost one pound last week. Frustrating to say the least, but it is what it is. At least it's a loss. So I'm at 308 right now, 136 lbs. total loss.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Clothes, gym, whatever

I went to the gym Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. So last night (Tuesday) I took the night off. I felt I was entitled.

I decided to go through my closet again. Fall weather is definitely here, so it was time to put away the capri-length pants and dig out the winter stuff. I thought about just getting rid of the summer stock because, hopefully, I won't be able to wear a thing that I own when spring 2010 hits. But I didn't, and decided it would be good for me, if indeed I shrink down like I'm hoping I will, to try on some of those capris and see how far I've come. And besides - some of it I really love and can alter if need be.

I have some clothes shoved in the hall closet that I got from another gastric bypass patient. I tried some of those but they're all too small so they went back in. I have another bag from my mom that I got when I was down in Ohio over the summer. There was also a bag from my own closet. Just stuff that I was never comfortable wearing before. Either they'd shrank in the wash or I'd simply gotten too big for them. Well, I tried everything on and I pretty much emptied both bags; I can wear everything in it now. Huzzah!!! What a great feeling.

I felt inspired so I went through the closet in my bedroom and got rid of everything I don't like. Mostly t-shirts and tops from men's big & tall shops. It's infinitely cheaper to buy clothes for men than women, at any size. I'd get a shirt at a men's store for $25; a similar one at a women's store might be $40. I could not shop at Walmart (the biggest size was too small), so my choices were limited, price and size-wise. Also, when you're a 6-7x, you buy what FITS. Liking the item is secondary. I would look at sizes first; if I thought I might be able to wear it, only then would I consider whether I'd die of embarrassment if I wore it in public.

Those days are over. O-V-E-R. I filled a huge garbage bag with that stuff. I will never again buy clothes because it's my size and 'well...it's not too awful...' or '...that one kinda looks like a woman could wear it...' Done! Hell, I even organized my closet by color. It's a thing of beauty. I'm having so much fun with clothes it's ridiculous. LOL!

I picked up my note from the teacher (or doctor, whichever you prefer) and finally made it to a session with Jennifer tonight. Not bad, not bad. I feel more at home in that place every time I go. She had me warm up on the treadmill then we went through several exercises on different weight machines. I think she was surprised at my strength. I figure my body has to be at least somewhat strong to have carried around all that weight. Especially my legs. Nothing she asked me to do was that hard - however, I am well aware this was only the first session! LOL! Anyway, it went well. Afterwards, I did another 15 mins. on the treadmill and 15 on the bike. We'll see how I feel tomorrow! Next session is Friday.

Been having some trouble keeping food down the past few days. Not sure what's up, could be just stress from the whole gym thing. But I feel good and I know it's only going to get better.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

The gym

I guess those gym-Barbies scared me more than I realized! LOL!

So I go to the gym Friday night for my first session with Jennifer. I thought I was fine till I walked in. I dunno, just walking past all the equipment and all the ladies on said equipment, I had to take a deep breath to calm myself. I suppose it was a fear of the unknown combined with white-hot intimidation.

I arrive early and Jennifer's running late. So after I 'put away anything I didn't need' - this was the direction of the girl at the front desk...not realizing I had absolutely NO earthly idea what I would actually need - I sat in the waiting area till Jennifer was ready.

She was very nice, asked me a few questions then told me we had to go back and take my blood pressure.

Uh oh.

I know me, and I know my blood pressure. When I get nervous or upset, it shoots up like a 747 (like Wednesday in Detroit). No surprise, it was pretty high. So she told me we couldn't do anything unless the top number was under 140. I tell her "Well, as terrified as I am right now, I'm not surprised at those numbers." She thought that was pretty funny and tried to calm me down. We tried again. Much lower, but still too high. Then she tells me anything higher than 140 and they need a note from my doctor. Oh the irony!! My blood pressure is finally low enough that my dr. has decided I don't need medication anymore. I go to the gym to get even healthier, and am so nervous that now I have to go BACK to the dr. and get permission to work out. Good grief.

She says we'll try one more time. "How do you feel?" she asked. "Any calmer?" Uh, well, no, not since you've now told me I'll need to make a dr. appt. (it'll take 2 weeks to get in); take a half day off work to go to the dr. (cuz she won't do this over the phone...she doesn't get paid that way; and she's always about 2 hours behind in her appointments) and get a note. Plus, my dr. will charge me personally (not just the government) for the privilege of writing the note. Not making me calm. No. We try again and it's even higher than the first reading.

So...we're done for the day. Didn't hit the first lick. But get this: I can work out at the gym on my own but not with her. To sum up, the unhealthy people who might have high blood pressure (I'm not one of them, mind you) are not allowed to have supervision. Ohhhh, that makes a lot of sense! LOL!

*heavy sigh* She suggested I walk on the treadmill Sat. & Sun. to try and get more comfortable in the gym, the atmosphere. Ok, sure. She stuck around and got me started because I'd never been on a treadmill in my life and didn't want to go flying off the thing through the back wall or something. As I said, she was really nice.

The treadmill is weird! When I get off the thing, my legs are like Jell-O - all tingly like they've been asleep. And I still feel like I want to walk, even when I get off it. Makes me a bit dizzy, too. I can go a little over a mile, though, in 30 mins. It was fine - it felt good. I did it last night, I did it today and I'll do it tomorrow.

I checked my b.p. before I left for the gym today. Perfect. I checked it when I got there - way too high. This is ridiculous. And it's all my head! I know that, intellectually. All intimidation is psychological. It's a hurdle I must get over or it's going to stall my weight loss. And THAT, dear readers, pisses me off. I hate to think anything or anyone intimidates me. I will overcome this.

We'll see what happens tomorrow but as it looks now, I'll be calling my dr. on Monday morning. I know she'll write the note, but damn it all to hell. *grumble grumble*

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The next phase

I made it to Detroit in one piece yesterday...barely.

I got started really early. My appt. was at 4 and I left home about noon. It's about a 2-1/2 to 3 hour drive to Detroit from my place so I figured this would be cake. Um, no. Everything was fine till I got to Windsor (a.k.a. Construction Hell). Man alive! Took me a while to get to the border. THEN when I got there, I was treated to armed guards and drug- and/or bomb-sniffing dogs patrolling the line-up. These guards were serious. Tapping on people's windows - who were still in line to talk to security, mind you - and asking that trunks be opened, keys surrendered, etc. They got on their stomachs and were looking under cars; led dogs around and around the perimeters. Looking for what, I have no idea. I rarely see stuff like that and I cross the border pretty frequently. It was like they were looking for something - or someone - specific. They didn't bother me much. I guess I looked safe. Ha! Still took awhile to get across. I walked into the dr's office at 3:58. Phew.

My blood pressure was sky high, but I assured them that was not normal and was no doubt a result of the last hour or so of the trip! LOL! Then, I guess according to Dr. Genaw's ledger, my appt. time was 3:10; he thought I didn't show up and LEFT!! They had to call him to come back. Good grief! Poor guy. My little appt. card definitely said 4 p.m. Anyway, it all worked out in the end.

The appointment went well and he was pleased about my progress/weight loss, especially the disappearance of the diabetes, high blood pressure and sleep apnea. I don't have to go back now till next July, for my yearly check-up! Yay! I still need to get bloodwork every three months and keep him posted, but I don't have to go back to Detroit.

The gastric bypass program at Henry Ford has a "100-Pound Club" of sorts. It's for people who have lost more than 100 pounds. Dr. Genaw wants me to come back for an induction ceremony into that club. His associate took down my information and they are supposed to contact me when the next one rolls around. I told Erich about this, explaining that it's a long drive and I didn't necessarily need to go. He totally insisted that I go participate. A friend of mine agreed, saying I had literally worked my ass off and deserved to go be honored in this way. Ok, yeah. I do. So I'll go and be proud of myself. I am proud of myself.

Dr. Genaw could not wipe the grin off his face during our appointment. I wrote, when we first met, about his noticeably strong handshake. Yesterday, he shook my hand about four times - strongly, happily and it felt great.

On my way home, I drove alongside the setting sun. It was a little cloudy and oh my what colors! Many shades of blue - denim, robin's egg, slate and azure. Gray and white, with punches of orange, red, purple and yellow. It was so beautiful that I started to cry, grateful I could see it. I sometimes feel like I cheated death by losing weight. When I think of what I almost gave up just so I could have a second piece of cake, a half an extra-large pizza or a third helping from a Chinese buffet, it makes me emotional and sappy. I'm more appreciative of the small stuff now. I was reminded how silly things like wrinkles are (see last blog).

Tomorrow night, I start working with Jennifer at the gym! I'm a mix of terrified and excited. I'm going to really try to view her as someone who is helping me achieve my goals. Someone who is helping me live. And I will really try (no matter how pissed I get with her) to surrender to her greater knowledge of what is best for me.