An uphill fight

It's been a while since my last brain spill, so I'll get right to it!

The second anniversary of Sweeping Cindy has come and gone. WOW! I can't believe it's been that long since I started on this journey. I wrote my first blog on my 39th birthday and so much has changed since then. I'm 41 now but I sure don't feel 41! When I was 39, I felt about 60. It's all good.

Erich and I went to Niagara Falls once again this year. Last year, we splurged to celebrate my 40th. This year we did it again because on it's been 10 years since I took a long weekend from my job in Ohio to come visit my boyfriend, who lived in Ontario, to celebrate my birthday and Valentine's Day. I was a little upset at the time because I had expected to receive an engagement ring for Christmas and didn't get it. So once I got up here, my boyfriend took me out to eat at a local Applebee's (I love Applebee's). At the end of the meal, he slowly pushed a tiny velvet box across the table and asked me - very quietly and sweetly - to marry him. I remember I was in shock, but not really. LOL! I was hoping, you know? Still, when it happens, it's a bit surreal. Of course I said yes. That decision, along with the gastric bypass surgery, is the best thing I've ever done. Not a single regret.

So yeah, we felt like celebrating again this year. Niagara Falls is one of my favorite places, and I love it even more now that I can walk all over the place with absolutely no problems. It snowed like crazy and we ended up foregoing the shuttle back to our hotel from Clifton Hill. We walked for what seemed like 5 miles uphill in a blizzard. Erich was soaking wet with sweat by the time we got to the top. It really was quite a workout! Funny thing was, I felt like a million bucks when we got to the top of that hill. I was out of breath, my calves ached and everything but it got my adrenaline pumping like mad. I've come to understand that if you are tired, or in a bad mood, depressed or something - exercise can make you feel soooo much better. The endorphins that come with a good workout are amazing.

I'm having trouble putting into words the struggle I'm going through in my life right now and the effect it's having on me physically and emotionally. It's definitely affecting my diet. I'm still getting workouts in - and the desired endorphin rush does help - but the eating thing is a bit of a mess some days. So the weight loss has slowed to a halt the past week or so. I know enough to know that the two go hand in hand - you must work at your diet and you must move. I think this knowledge makes it even more frustrating to me, which in turn leads to more stress. I know what to do; why the hell can't I do it all the time??

No one is perfect - least of all me - but I do feel a certain pressure to be successful in my maintenance since I've lost so much weight and done it so publicly. I purposely set out to put myself in a situation where I can be held accountable to people other than myself - this blog and all of you are a big part of why I was/am successful and I want to continue that. I love it!! Yet I also don't want to live a life where food and exercise are all I think about 24/7. I just want to be normal and I'm starting to figure out that I can't be and won't be. Ever. Like a drug addict, it's a one-day-at-a-time thing that I will have to be struggle with forever. It's a difficult thing to reconcile and I'm still working on the balance, especially with all the crap being thrown at me right now (which I won't go into).

On a positive note, I did my own little Biggest Loser moment recently.

I have kept a few select pieces of clothing from my pre-op days and Erich and I thought it would be fun to see just how big my old jeans are. I'm a size 16 now. Actually more like 14, but I need the extra room in the 16 to house the excess skin around my lower stomach. The waistband of my 16s has enough room for a small toddler in there with me.

Pre-op, I had two pairs of "denim pants". I wouldn't really call them jeans. They were denim but with total elastic waists. Oh, and they were size 6X. Not a waist size - just size 6X. I kept a pair and now, I can fit into one leg.



We did a video, too - just because we're freaks like that:



I also saved the first pair of "real jeans" - the kind with buttons and a zipper - that I bought after I started losing weight. I blogged about how I cried in the fitting room when I got them zipped up. Well, those size-22 jeans literally fall off me now.



Luckily, music soothes the savage beast. I treated myself to a Heart concert in town this past Tuesday, the day after my birthday. I've wanted to see them since I was a little girl and heard 'Magic Man' for the first time. Here are a few links to video that I took: Alone, Magic Man, and a few clips that I strung together. Ann Wilson's voice and the rockin' tunes did wonders for my mood. At least for a day or two.

My girl Randi and I go to see Bon Jovi in Toronto on Tuesday. Talk about a stress reliever!! I am very psyched to see my favorite band!

I can't bitch too much. I'm good. Even if I never lose another pound, I'm ok. I have a lot going on but I'm healthy and I have a wonderful husband, fabulous friends and family.