Carnie Wilson has been in the news this week because she revealed that in January, she had a second bariatric procedure.
Carnie made headlines back in 1999 when she had Roux-en-Y gastric bypass surgery (the same procedure I had). Because of her openness regarding her journey, a lot of people were encouraged to go the same route she did and get the surgery themselves.
And now, 13 years later, she is dealing with her regain by having a lap band placed over her gastric pouch. And I say good for her.
The backlash to this latest surgery is very sad to me. Comments range from "get your lazy a** to a gym" to "how about putting the fork down and walking away" and "she took the easy way out again".
Once again..............people just. Don't. Get it. This is not about someone who needs to lose 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. It's not someone whose life would be awesome if she could just put down a second slice of pizza so she could get rid of the last stubborn 15 pounds of baby weight. We are not normal. It's a day-by-day fight not to slip down the rabbit hole and it's NOT the same as most people saying no to a doughnut at the office meeting. It's not the same. It's not the same. Lather, rinse, repeat.
While I feel for anyone who needs to lose weight (even 10 pounds isn't easy, trust me, I get that), the psyche of those of us who let it get to the point where we feel re-arranging our guts is the only answer to survival is just different. We think about food differently and need different levels of help dealing with it. I, personally, applaud her courage in not only concluding that she deserved and needed ongoing assistance in dealing with her addiction, but also her willingness to share it publicly absolutely knowing the terrible backlash that would be associated with her choice. To have bariatric surgery once is a controversy; to have it twice is unthinkable to those who haven't walked in her shoes.
Chronic food addiction is an incurable disease of the mind. It never goes away. Just like a supposedly "reformed" smoker may need several shots to get it right, an obese person needs the same sort of compassion and understanding. Rock stars go to rehab for drug and alcohol addition several times - what Carnie is doing is not much different. She is dealing with her addiction the best way she knows how in a way that works for her. And it is working...apparently she has lost 30 pounds since having the procedure.
GOOD FOR HER.
Her story is also a much-needed reminder that surgery is not a cure for obesity. There is always a chance of regaining some or all of the weight loss. I personally know someone who has had two procedures: a lap band many years ago and recently, a gastric bypass. Regain after surgery is particularly difficult. You think to yourself that if you fail after surgery, maybe you cannot succeed at anything. Some people who regain simply resign themselves to failure - at more than maintenance. So again, I applaud anyone who takes the bull by the horns and "regains" control of their lives. By any means necessary.
Kinda brings new meaning to that old sappy song, right?
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
The secret under our clothes
Good grief, it's been a while.
So did any of you watch TLC's The Real Skinny last Monday? I didn't watch till this weekend, but man...it was like watching me.
We follow two post-ops on their final journey to "normal" - the removal of the excess skin that oftentimes comes with massive weight loss. Sarah is 28 and was once almost 400 pounds. Chris is 41 and started out at 424. They have both reached a normal weight, but deal with the aftermath of what they did to their bodies every day when they look into the mirror.
They both get the dream procedure for most post-ops: The 360 circumferential body lift. YOWZA!!! If I ever win the lottery, this is the one. As their surgeon, Dr. J. Timothy Katzen, described, it's sort of like "cutting someone in half and putting them back together."
Sarah's story was especially poignant to me, since we look very similar naked. I know it's not what a lot of you want to hear, especially those just starting out, but it's the truth. It's the "secret under my clothes", as Chris said that people who have gone through massive weight loss - whether surgical or "natural" - hide every single day. Hide it from everyone but themselves, that is.
It's very difficult to explain how painful it is, psychologically, to be successful with your battle against obesity yet not to feel like you've completed the transformation because you are still ashamed of the way you look. It's hard to explain that to people who are not in the same boat. They think you're crazy. You should just be happy that you've lost all the weight and to them, you look great! Of course, they don't see you naked, right?
Sarah explained her daily routine stuffing her stomach skin down into her jeans. Of lifting the skin to wash underneath it; using powder to keep it dry and diaper rash ointment to soothe the inevitable rashes that occur (I have both in my bathroom right now). Of feeling it jerk and jiggle all over the place when you run. Chris talked about how it smacks him when he does jumping jacks or "hits the ground first" when he does a push-up. All of this is true, and the great majority of post-ops quietly deal with it every day.
It's worth mentioning that I never had these issues with my fat. It's the skin that's the problem. So that's the demoralizing part. You think the physical challenges of your life will be over when you lose weight. You think you'll be bursting to get into a bikini or wear shorts and halter tops. You think life will be normal, and it's not. It's still not. And that is heartbreaking for a lot of people. Sarah's first words in the recovery room were "Am I skinny yet?" This from someone who has lost more than 200 pounds.
Now I'm not about to sit here and tell you I cry into my Crystal Light every day about this. I don't. I am so grateful to have accomplished everything I have so far. I'm proud of myself and hey....I do look pretty damn good (with clothes on, anyway). But the excess skin does suck. It affects the way I shop, it affects the way I see myself and reminds me of what I let myself become. Of what I did to myself and my body. That hurts a lot. This is what I did to myself. It's my punishment for how I behaved for most of my life. Sarah said as much during the show and that's similar to how I feel, too.
Lately I have felt myself backsliding into bad habits that I know I need to get a grip on. I've had some regain this winter but the scale is starting to move back down. I know how to do this. Another reminder that I will never be done. That's ok; I just need to always remember it and not just when it's convenient for me. I made a promise to you all and to myself - in this blog - that I would never be one of those people who says "Before I knew what happened, I'd gained 50 pounds." So I need to get it together before that happens. Don't worry, we're not even close to that number! And we never will be!
One more thing then I'll stop: Those Weight Watchers commercials with Jennifer Hudson screeching in them grate on my nerves. Tired of it! Moving on....
So did any of you watch TLC's The Real Skinny last Monday? I didn't watch till this weekend, but man...it was like watching me.
We follow two post-ops on their final journey to "normal" - the removal of the excess skin that oftentimes comes with massive weight loss. Sarah is 28 and was once almost 400 pounds. Chris is 41 and started out at 424. They have both reached a normal weight, but deal with the aftermath of what they did to their bodies every day when they look into the mirror.
They both get the dream procedure for most post-ops: The 360 circumferential body lift. YOWZA!!! If I ever win the lottery, this is the one. As their surgeon, Dr. J. Timothy Katzen, described, it's sort of like "cutting someone in half and putting them back together."
Sarah's story was especially poignant to me, since we look very similar naked. I know it's not what a lot of you want to hear, especially those just starting out, but it's the truth. It's the "secret under my clothes", as Chris said that people who have gone through massive weight loss - whether surgical or "natural" - hide every single day. Hide it from everyone but themselves, that is.
It's very difficult to explain how painful it is, psychologically, to be successful with your battle against obesity yet not to feel like you've completed the transformation because you are still ashamed of the way you look. It's hard to explain that to people who are not in the same boat. They think you're crazy. You should just be happy that you've lost all the weight and to them, you look great! Of course, they don't see you naked, right?
Sarah explained her daily routine stuffing her stomach skin down into her jeans. Of lifting the skin to wash underneath it; using powder to keep it dry and diaper rash ointment to soothe the inevitable rashes that occur (I have both in my bathroom right now). Of feeling it jerk and jiggle all over the place when you run. Chris talked about how it smacks him when he does jumping jacks or "hits the ground first" when he does a push-up. All of this is true, and the great majority of post-ops quietly deal with it every day.
It's worth mentioning that I never had these issues with my fat. It's the skin that's the problem. So that's the demoralizing part. You think the physical challenges of your life will be over when you lose weight. You think you'll be bursting to get into a bikini or wear shorts and halter tops. You think life will be normal, and it's not. It's still not. And that is heartbreaking for a lot of people. Sarah's first words in the recovery room were "Am I skinny yet?" This from someone who has lost more than 200 pounds.
Now I'm not about to sit here and tell you I cry into my Crystal Light every day about this. I don't. I am so grateful to have accomplished everything I have so far. I'm proud of myself and hey....I do look pretty damn good (with clothes on, anyway). But the excess skin does suck. It affects the way I shop, it affects the way I see myself and reminds me of what I let myself become. Of what I did to myself and my body. That hurts a lot. This is what I did to myself. It's my punishment for how I behaved for most of my life. Sarah said as much during the show and that's similar to how I feel, too.
Lately I have felt myself backsliding into bad habits that I know I need to get a grip on. I've had some regain this winter but the scale is starting to move back down. I know how to do this. Another reminder that I will never be done. That's ok; I just need to always remember it and not just when it's convenient for me. I made a promise to you all and to myself - in this blog - that I would never be one of those people who says "Before I knew what happened, I'd gained 50 pounds." So I need to get it together before that happens. Don't worry, we're not even close to that number! And we never will be!
One more thing then I'll stop: Those Weight Watchers commercials with Jennifer Hudson screeching in them grate on my nerves. Tired of it! Moving on....
Monday, February 20, 2012
Judgment nation
I've had a pretty crazy week, so I'm just going to get right to it and talk about a few things out in the news last week, things I have definite opinions on and feel need to be addressed.
The British singer Adele appears on the cover of current issue of "Vogue" magazine. The article is wonderful and makes no mention of her figure. Adele herself has been quoted as saying she "makes music for ears, not eyes." Well, let your eyes get a load of this (click to enlarge):
Obviously, this has created a lot of controversy. Why would they so obviously Photoshop her body in that way? I don't have an issue with them perfecting her skin or whatever, but making her body look like Jessica Rabbit is not cool. She's gorgeous just the way she is. What kind of message does this send to young girls? You can have the voice of an angel, be beautiful to look at, honored for your outstanding work by your peers but....but really, we still want you to look like a Barbie doll. Crazy, crazy stuff. Totally wrong and dangerous.
The other story that caught my attention last week was an interview Star Jones did with Matt Lauer on the Today Show. I believe this is the first time Star has really opened up about her gastric bypass surgery and resulting 160-pound weight loss.
Star begins the interview by declaring "“I was definitely a food addict. My entire adult life I had been overweight. I wasn’t fluffy. I wasn’t full figured. I wasn’t plus-sized. I was morbidly obese.” She goes on to explain her decision to keep the surgery a secret - she had made so much of her life public, some fans were understandably upset when learning how she launched her weight-loss success story. And she gets that. She basically just said she wasn't ready.
Honestly, I totally understand why so many people choose to hide it. There's a large stigma, even today but even more so in 2003, attached to having this surgery. I'm not sure what the difference would be between someone who uses surgery to help them lose weight and someone who uses a nicotine patch to help them quit smoking. Would you tell the reformed smoker that they "took the easy way out" or didn't "do it on their own" simply because they didn't go cold turkey? Whatever works, people. This is a matter of life and death. The stigma really has to stop.
Star says she attributes about 100 pounds of loss directly to the surgery; the rest was just hard work. She's so right about that. You will lose weight at first but it's up to you to eat right and get your ass to the gym to go the distance and lose all you need to then keep it off.
Then we had the sad and tragic news of Whitney Houston's death. I learned this from a dear friend while at a dinner party in Nashville (more on that later!) and needless to say, I was stunned. She was a big part of my teenage years and beyond, her beautiful voice weaving its way into precious memories of my youth. We still don't know for sure what killed her but boy, the opinions are pretty narrow. It had to be a drug overdose, right? And should we be honoring her (with either half-mast flags or non-stop press coverage) when she was just a drug addict anyway?
How sad. How sad that we can't just remember her for the wonderful memories she brought to our lives. Even if you have never bought a Whitney Houston CD in your life, surely (especially if you're American) you remember her unparalleled rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner at the 1991 Super Bowl. Do you remember who was playing? Who won? Probably not. But you remember this:
For the record, I don't think the flags in New Jersey should be at half mast. But not because she was "just a drug addict singer". I don't think it should've been done for Frank Sinatra, either - but it was. That honor should be reserved for fallen soldiers, presidents, etc.
The sad parallel between these three seemingly unrelated stories? Our expectations of other people and the way we so harshly judge them when we know nothing about them or the struggles they go through. Adele is judged for her body, not her voice. Star for her obesity and the method she chose to save her own life, and not her intellect. Whitney for her illness of addiction and not her fantastic talent. Society places such unrealistic expectations of perfection on people, especially women.
I propose that we all give each other a break. Just a thought.
The British singer Adele appears on the cover of current issue of "Vogue" magazine. The article is wonderful and makes no mention of her figure. Adele herself has been quoted as saying she "makes music for ears, not eyes." Well, let your eyes get a load of this (click to enlarge):
Obviously, this has created a lot of controversy. Why would they so obviously Photoshop her body in that way? I don't have an issue with them perfecting her skin or whatever, but making her body look like Jessica Rabbit is not cool. She's gorgeous just the way she is. What kind of message does this send to young girls? You can have the voice of an angel, be beautiful to look at, honored for your outstanding work by your peers but....but really, we still want you to look like a Barbie doll. Crazy, crazy stuff. Totally wrong and dangerous.
The other story that caught my attention last week was an interview Star Jones did with Matt Lauer on the Today Show. I believe this is the first time Star has really opened up about her gastric bypass surgery and resulting 160-pound weight loss.
Star begins the interview by declaring "“I was definitely a food addict. My entire adult life I had been overweight. I wasn’t fluffy. I wasn’t full figured. I wasn’t plus-sized. I was morbidly obese.” She goes on to explain her decision to keep the surgery a secret - she had made so much of her life public, some fans were understandably upset when learning how she launched her weight-loss success story. And she gets that. She basically just said she wasn't ready.
Honestly, I totally understand why so many people choose to hide it. There's a large stigma, even today but even more so in 2003, attached to having this surgery. I'm not sure what the difference would be between someone who uses surgery to help them lose weight and someone who uses a nicotine patch to help them quit smoking. Would you tell the reformed smoker that they "took the easy way out" or didn't "do it on their own" simply because they didn't go cold turkey? Whatever works, people. This is a matter of life and death. The stigma really has to stop.
Star says she attributes about 100 pounds of loss directly to the surgery; the rest was just hard work. She's so right about that. You will lose weight at first but it's up to you to eat right and get your ass to the gym to go the distance and lose all you need to then keep it off.
Then we had the sad and tragic news of Whitney Houston's death. I learned this from a dear friend while at a dinner party in Nashville (more on that later!) and needless to say, I was stunned. She was a big part of my teenage years and beyond, her beautiful voice weaving its way into precious memories of my youth. We still don't know for sure what killed her but boy, the opinions are pretty narrow. It had to be a drug overdose, right? And should we be honoring her (with either half-mast flags or non-stop press coverage) when she was just a drug addict anyway?
How sad. How sad that we can't just remember her for the wonderful memories she brought to our lives. Even if you have never bought a Whitney Houston CD in your life, surely (especially if you're American) you remember her unparalleled rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner at the 1991 Super Bowl. Do you remember who was playing? Who won? Probably not. But you remember this:
For the record, I don't think the flags in New Jersey should be at half mast. But not because she was "just a drug addict singer". I don't think it should've been done for Frank Sinatra, either - but it was. That honor should be reserved for fallen soldiers, presidents, etc.
The sad parallel between these three seemingly unrelated stories? Our expectations of other people and the way we so harshly judge them when we know nothing about them or the struggles they go through. Adele is judged for her body, not her voice. Star for her obesity and the method she chose to save her own life, and not her intellect. Whitney for her illness of addiction and not her fantastic talent. Society places such unrealistic expectations of perfection on people, especially women.
I propose that we all give each other a break. Just a thought.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
A tale of two dresses
Well one, really. One dress, two bodies.
Most women I know long for the days when they were thin enough to fit into their wedding gowns. I am not one of those women.
Oftentimes, that's when we look our absolute best. We diet and kill ourselves to fit into this tiny, white dress so we look perfect for 24 hours and have the photographs to prove it. Then the business of actually being married sets in (kids, frantic schedules, bills, stress) and the weight is gained back and then some. This is the normal routine in most women's lives.
I started thinking about my own wedding gown a while back, as our 10th anniversary approached. We talked about possibly renewing our vows and joked about altering my gown so I could wear it on my new body.
Recently I was reading Redbook, one of my favorite magazines, and it seems they are featuring an ongoing story about women who want to fit back into their wedding gowns. It's called the Wedding Dress Challenge. The piece will follow 13 women on their quest to squeeze back into that frilly white dress. By the way, there are some great diet and exercise tips in that link - I urge you to check it out. So reading that got me to thinking: I hope I never fit into my wedding dress again!
There's a show on TLC called Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss which features plus-sized brides looking for the perfect dress. I watched several episodes of it last weekend and again found myself thinking about my own quest for the dress as what's termed a "supersize" plus-sized bride-to-be and how my gown would fit me today.
You know what happened next. I dragged it out of the closet and handed Erich a camera.
Holy shit.
So this is Erich, my brother-in-law and me 10 years ago at my wedding. We don't have very good photographs from that day, I'm sorry to say. No photographer or anything, just family snapping pics. It's my biggest regret from that day. Always, always hire a photographer. Borrow the money if you have to (click to enlarge).
And this is that same dress on me, last night:
The first thing that struck me was how long it was. I felt like a little girl playing dress-up. So yeah. I hope I never, ever fit into that dress again. It must also be said that I had it custom made, so it fit me well at the time. I mean, there was no way I could go into a bridal salon and pick out a dress; it just wasn't going to happen. When I was watching Big Bliss, there was one bride who was bigger than a size 32 and they just didn't know what the hell to do because that's where the sizes stopped. I would've been screwed as well and I knew it. I never set foot inside a dress shop, I had one made for me. Crazy, huh?
Seriously, if I can do this you can, too. You can. You are stronger than you think you are!
Most women I know long for the days when they were thin enough to fit into their wedding gowns. I am not one of those women.
Oftentimes, that's when we look our absolute best. We diet and kill ourselves to fit into this tiny, white dress so we look perfect for 24 hours and have the photographs to prove it. Then the business of actually being married sets in (kids, frantic schedules, bills, stress) and the weight is gained back and then some. This is the normal routine in most women's lives.
I started thinking about my own wedding gown a while back, as our 10th anniversary approached. We talked about possibly renewing our vows and joked about altering my gown so I could wear it on my new body.
Recently I was reading Redbook, one of my favorite magazines, and it seems they are featuring an ongoing story about women who want to fit back into their wedding gowns. It's called the Wedding Dress Challenge. The piece will follow 13 women on their quest to squeeze back into that frilly white dress. By the way, there are some great diet and exercise tips in that link - I urge you to check it out. So reading that got me to thinking: I hope I never fit into my wedding dress again!
There's a show on TLC called Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss which features plus-sized brides looking for the perfect dress. I watched several episodes of it last weekend and again found myself thinking about my own quest for the dress as what's termed a "supersize" plus-sized bride-to-be and how my gown would fit me today.
You know what happened next. I dragged it out of the closet and handed Erich a camera.
Holy shit.
So this is Erich, my brother-in-law and me 10 years ago at my wedding. We don't have very good photographs from that day, I'm sorry to say. No photographer or anything, just family snapping pics. It's my biggest regret from that day. Always, always hire a photographer. Borrow the money if you have to (click to enlarge).
And this is that same dress on me, last night:
The first thing that struck me was how long it was. I felt like a little girl playing dress-up. So yeah. I hope I never, ever fit into that dress again. It must also be said that I had it custom made, so it fit me well at the time. I mean, there was no way I could go into a bridal salon and pick out a dress; it just wasn't going to happen. When I was watching Big Bliss, there was one bride who was bigger than a size 32 and they just didn't know what the hell to do because that's where the sizes stopped. I would've been screwed as well and I knew it. I never set foot inside a dress shop, I had one made for me. Crazy, huh?
Seriously, if I can do this you can, too. You can. You are stronger than you think you are!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
My 600-lb Life on TLC
I am inspired by others' weight-loss success stories, so I often watch television shows featuring diet, exercise and healthy living. I've written extensively about my personal need for broadcast motivation. I see others succeeding and it makes me think I can do it, too.
So I was very anxious to watch a new short-run series on TLC called "My 600-lb Life". It's a four-episode series that follows a different person each night on his or her weight-loss journey via gastric bypass. Each patient begins weighing at least 600 pounds. It premiered Wednesday night and featured Melissa, a woman from Ohio, living in Texas, who started out weighing in at 653 pounds.
In one of my first blog entries, before my surgery, I said "...before it gets to the point where I need assistance in walking across the floor, I have to do THIS so I never find TLC knocking at my door wanting to do a special on the shut-in. No, never, not me." It was a serious fear of mine. I could feel myself falling down the rabbit hole and knew something drastic had to be done. At my highest weight, I was hovering around 500 pounds.
Melissa can still walk but it's not easy. She requires assistance to do the most basic of things, intimate tasks which she embarrassingly talks briefly about later in the broadcast. Her husband is her lifeline. He is more caretaker and nursemaid than lover or partner. This was also a big fear of mine...I did not want to put Erich in this situation. Ever. I could see it coming like the light on a locomotive still far away but barreling down on me, fast. And me, standing in the darkness in the middle of the tracks, terrified but knowing I needed to swerve or die.
In one of the first scenes, Melissa is on a scooter in a grocery store - because she cannot walk around long enough to shop - and people are staring; one man makes a smart remark and she cries. Again...I could see this coming at me. I could see this being my life. I resisted the scooter in stores and walked through the pain, in agony and red-faced, sweating in January, because I didn't want the scrutiny. There are so many things that resonated with me in the two hours of this show that I can't write about all of them or we'd be here all day long.
It seems she got much the same after-care advice I did: Protein, protein, protein. Limit refined carbs and sugar, especially at first. They follow her through seven years of ups and downs. It's quite a journey.
She had two skin-removal surgeries, one of which removed 60 pounds and another that took off 30. And she still had some loose skin issues. Kind of makes mine seem trivial in comparison. It seems she didn't experience many complications from the gastric bypass beyond initial nausea (same with me). However, complications arose after the second surgery but mainly because she wasn't eating properly and became malnourished. I've said it over and over...patient compliance is KEY to success with any surgery, including gastric bypass.
Two major things I want to say about the show: A big plus: The relationship with her husband is explored quite a bit and I was glad to see that. Her husband had problems adjusting to this new woman who wanted to do things for herself now, who wanted to get out and enjoy her new life. I've also written about the minefield that can be a post-weight-loss marriage/partnership. People get accustomed to living a certain way and when that gets turned upside down, it can be a lot to handle. Your partner MUST get on board with it or be pushed overboard. It's that simple. Please, please, please do not hold yourself back. Have some sympathy for the fact they will also need time to adjust, but not at the expense of yourself and your success. I question Melissa's decision to have a child with her husband and stay with him through his treatment of her. When she discovers his infidelity, her response is "well, at 600 pounds what do you expect?" You expect RESPECT. Kindness and loyalty. It's so sad how a person's self-esteem will make them react to pain inflicted upon them. They think they deserve it. Very sad. It's not about the 600 pounds. It's about his character, which he proves to her again and again. Yet she still stays.
A big minus: In the whole two-hour episode - which, as I said, follows her over the course of seven years - we never see Melissa at a gym. Not working out to an exercise DVD, nothing. I fear this will perpetuate the myth that she simply hopped onto an operating table and lost nearly 500 pounds. She alludes to this way of thinking and debunks it, but still. I kept waiting for the sweat and never saw any. HUGE fail, in my opinion. You have to work at weight loss, no matter what the method is. Yes, you will lose weight with gastric bypass no matter what you do in the first few months. But you won't continue that loss or maintain it without either hard work the healthy way or transferring your food addiction to other damaging behaviors like anorexia.
After her weight loss, Melissa found work as a patient liaison at the bariatric clinic at which she had her surgery. It was her job to talk to patients pre-op and get them ready for the journey ahead. She led group discussions and private meetings; they even showed her going into peoples' homes and guiding them on what foods to eat. THIS is what I want to do. I've known it for a long time. To help people on their way to a new life would be the ultimate dream job. I'd said to myself this was one of my new year's resolutions - to find work like this. There's a clinic about 30 minutes away from me and that's where I'll start. Somehow! I don't know the first thing about the place - never even been there - but I need to take some baby steps towards this new goal and make it happen.
The show re-airs on Monday at 9 (EST) and a new episode, with a new patient, airs Wednesday night. I have so much more to say about the show but this blog is long enough. Besides, I'm sure I'll be writing more about the new episode and each one after that.
So I was very anxious to watch a new short-run series on TLC called "My 600-lb Life". It's a four-episode series that follows a different person each night on his or her weight-loss journey via gastric bypass. Each patient begins weighing at least 600 pounds. It premiered Wednesday night and featured Melissa, a woman from Ohio, living in Texas, who started out weighing in at 653 pounds.
In one of my first blog entries, before my surgery, I said "...before it gets to the point where I need assistance in walking across the floor, I have to do THIS so I never find TLC knocking at my door wanting to do a special on the shut-in. No, never, not me." It was a serious fear of mine. I could feel myself falling down the rabbit hole and knew something drastic had to be done. At my highest weight, I was hovering around 500 pounds.
Melissa can still walk but it's not easy. She requires assistance to do the most basic of things, intimate tasks which she embarrassingly talks briefly about later in the broadcast. Her husband is her lifeline. He is more caretaker and nursemaid than lover or partner. This was also a big fear of mine...I did not want to put Erich in this situation. Ever. I could see it coming like the light on a locomotive still far away but barreling down on me, fast. And me, standing in the darkness in the middle of the tracks, terrified but knowing I needed to swerve or die.
In one of the first scenes, Melissa is on a scooter in a grocery store - because she cannot walk around long enough to shop - and people are staring; one man makes a smart remark and she cries. Again...I could see this coming at me. I could see this being my life. I resisted the scooter in stores and walked through the pain, in agony and red-faced, sweating in January, because I didn't want the scrutiny. There are so many things that resonated with me in the two hours of this show that I can't write about all of them or we'd be here all day long.
It seems she got much the same after-care advice I did: Protein, protein, protein. Limit refined carbs and sugar, especially at first. They follow her through seven years of ups and downs. It's quite a journey.
She had two skin-removal surgeries, one of which removed 60 pounds and another that took off 30. And she still had some loose skin issues. Kind of makes mine seem trivial in comparison. It seems she didn't experience many complications from the gastric bypass beyond initial nausea (same with me). However, complications arose after the second surgery but mainly because she wasn't eating properly and became malnourished. I've said it over and over...patient compliance is KEY to success with any surgery, including gastric bypass.
Two major things I want to say about the show: A big plus: The relationship with her husband is explored quite a bit and I was glad to see that. Her husband had problems adjusting to this new woman who wanted to do things for herself now, who wanted to get out and enjoy her new life. I've also written about the minefield that can be a post-weight-loss marriage/partnership. People get accustomed to living a certain way and when that gets turned upside down, it can be a lot to handle. Your partner MUST get on board with it or be pushed overboard. It's that simple. Please, please, please do not hold yourself back. Have some sympathy for the fact they will also need time to adjust, but not at the expense of yourself and your success. I question Melissa's decision to have a child with her husband and stay with him through his treatment of her. When she discovers his infidelity, her response is "well, at 600 pounds what do you expect?" You expect RESPECT. Kindness and loyalty. It's so sad how a person's self-esteem will make them react to pain inflicted upon them. They think they deserve it. Very sad. It's not about the 600 pounds. It's about his character, which he proves to her again and again. Yet she still stays.
A big minus: In the whole two-hour episode - which, as I said, follows her over the course of seven years - we never see Melissa at a gym. Not working out to an exercise DVD, nothing. I fear this will perpetuate the myth that she simply hopped onto an operating table and lost nearly 500 pounds. She alludes to this way of thinking and debunks it, but still. I kept waiting for the sweat and never saw any. HUGE fail, in my opinion. You have to work at weight loss, no matter what the method is. Yes, you will lose weight with gastric bypass no matter what you do in the first few months. But you won't continue that loss or maintain it without either hard work the healthy way or transferring your food addiction to other damaging behaviors like anorexia.
After her weight loss, Melissa found work as a patient liaison at the bariatric clinic at which she had her surgery. It was her job to talk to patients pre-op and get them ready for the journey ahead. She led group discussions and private meetings; they even showed her going into peoples' homes and guiding them on what foods to eat. THIS is what I want to do. I've known it for a long time. To help people on their way to a new life would be the ultimate dream job. I'd said to myself this was one of my new year's resolutions - to find work like this. There's a clinic about 30 minutes away from me and that's where I'll start. Somehow! I don't know the first thing about the place - never even been there - but I need to take some baby steps towards this new goal and make it happen.
The show re-airs on Monday at 9 (EST) and a new episode, with a new patient, airs Wednesday night. I have so much more to say about the show but this blog is long enough. Besides, I'm sure I'll be writing more about the new episode and each one after that.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
A thousand words
When Erich and I first got married, I insisted that we begin a tradition of having yearly family portraits taken with my stepdaughter, Ericha. My family and friends were very far away and when I sent Christmas cards, I wanted a nice update to include along with it. Ericha's birthday is in early November so we would always schedule a session around that time in order to get a nice shot of her, alone, and have the prints back in time to send in our Christmas cards. I was also eager to start some traditions for Ericha and indeed, this was something she seemed to look forward to every year.
We stopped when she turned 18 in 2007. But last year, Erich and I talked about getting some professional portraits done for our 10th wedding anniversary. We didn't have any really nice photographs of us since my weight loss and it being a special occasion, we decided to revive the tradition and include Ericha in the session as well.
When I went to the pre-session consultation (this was big time, no usual Sears or Walmart portraits...LOL), the photographer wanted to know what kind of family we were. Casual, formal, playful, etc. I told her we were very casual. Just because this was a professional session, there would be no formal wear and no stuffy poses. I told her my husband's hair was shoulder length and my stepdaughter's was pink. Multiple tattoos and piercings all around. So you get the idea. She laughed and said "Wonderful!"
The photo session was interesting and fun. None of us had never posed for a pro before, so there was some trial and error as they hovered around us with light meters and gently persuaded us to move a hand, tilt a head, or put on a genuine smile.
The results were more than I could've hoped for. The photo on the left below is the one from our first family portrait, in 2002. The one on the right is from the latest session (click to enlarge).
After showing this before-and-after to someone just the other day, she asked me, in reference to the shot on the right, "Did you ever think you would look like that? Or could look like that?" No. Absolutely not! I suppose I do so many of these before-and-after things because the change doesn't hit me too much when I look in the mirror. I need to see it with my own eyes laid out before me, then I get it. And it helps! It's motivating and makes me understand all the hard work I've done and how I never want to go back.
Motivation for maintenance is key. You have to do what works for you, whatever it is that makes you get up and go to the gym, eat healthy at least most of the time, and love yourself enough for your accomplishment to GET IT. Look what you've done! It's amazing! But it ain't free. You have to work at it forever. But it's very important to take the time and be present in your mind to look at what you've done and what you CAN do.
Here's our 10th anniversary portrait. I can't say enough about my love for my husband. Partnership and support through this whole journey is of the utmost importance. And the best thing about him is this: He loved me just as much in that 2002 portrait as he does in this one. Just as much.
We stopped when she turned 18 in 2007. But last year, Erich and I talked about getting some professional portraits done for our 10th wedding anniversary. We didn't have any really nice photographs of us since my weight loss and it being a special occasion, we decided to revive the tradition and include Ericha in the session as well.
When I went to the pre-session consultation (this was big time, no usual Sears or Walmart portraits...LOL), the photographer wanted to know what kind of family we were. Casual, formal, playful, etc. I told her we were very casual. Just because this was a professional session, there would be no formal wear and no stuffy poses. I told her my husband's hair was shoulder length and my stepdaughter's was pink. Multiple tattoos and piercings all around. So you get the idea. She laughed and said "Wonderful!"
The photo session was interesting and fun. None of us had never posed for a pro before, so there was some trial and error as they hovered around us with light meters and gently persuaded us to move a hand, tilt a head, or put on a genuine smile.
The results were more than I could've hoped for. The photo on the left below is the one from our first family portrait, in 2002. The one on the right is from the latest session (click to enlarge).
After showing this before-and-after to someone just the other day, she asked me, in reference to the shot on the right, "Did you ever think you would look like that? Or could look like that?" No. Absolutely not! I suppose I do so many of these before-and-after things because the change doesn't hit me too much when I look in the mirror. I need to see it with my own eyes laid out before me, then I get it. And it helps! It's motivating and makes me understand all the hard work I've done and how I never want to go back.
Motivation for maintenance is key. You have to do what works for you, whatever it is that makes you get up and go to the gym, eat healthy at least most of the time, and love yourself enough for your accomplishment to GET IT. Look what you've done! It's amazing! But it ain't free. You have to work at it forever. But it's very important to take the time and be present in your mind to look at what you've done and what you CAN do.
Here's our 10th anniversary portrait. I can't say enough about my love for my husband. Partnership and support through this whole journey is of the utmost importance. And the best thing about him is this: He loved me just as much in that 2002 portrait as he does in this one. Just as much.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Coat tales
Before I lost weight, I would "joke" that I had to be the biggest person in Canada.
I couldn't find a single, solitary thing to wear in stores. Everyone - and I mean everyone - around was smaller than me; indeed, most people were a healthy, normal weight, but even those who were obese weren't as big as I was. The difference in the appearance of the population between my hometown in south-central Ohio and here was jarring to me, especially at first. Most of the time, I felt like a freak. I hadn't felt that to the same degree at home because there were a lot of people around who looked like me. Unfortunately.
When I arrived here 10 years ago, I complained that sizes in Walmart only went to 3X in clothes and size 10 in shoes. Plus-size specialty stores had sizes up to 4X. Seriously...what the hell was I going to do? My mother-in-law made a lot of my clothes and I did a lot of stocking up on trips home. That's how I avoided scaring folks by walking around naked.
My favorite line was "There are no fat people in Canada!" None like me, anyway!
Since losing weight, I have given away an entire wardrobe of clothes. I sold very little, preferring to give most of it to thrift stores and charities. However, I had some really nice coats that I couldn't see giving away. I mean, a size 4X leather trench coat and a never-worn size 6X parka....there has to be a market for that, right? Someone, somewhere would buy them. So I put them a lot of other offerings on our local Kijiji and figured I'd be rid of them within a few days. If I'd seen this stuff listed pre-op, I would've been jumping for joy, I reasoned. There has to be someone who is having a hard time finding a coat who will be really pleased to take one off my hands.
WRONG.
I first listed them last fall and got lots of responses right away so I was optimistic. But I quickly learned people don't understand the concept of these sizes. I had women show up to try on a size 5X jacket or coat who were clearly much smaller than that. As soon as some of them walked in, I knew. "What the hell are people thinking?" I would ask Erich. "You can't wear a 5X if you're clearly a 2 or 3X!" Every time someone came by, the coats were too big for them. Always.
I sold two out of 16 items.
After briefly considering giving them all away, I decided to keep four of the nicer, more expensive ones and gave the rest away because well, one of my old coats takes up the room of three or four in my new size. I needed the space. So this past fall, I re-listed the four. No hits. Not a single one!
Finally, this past weekend, someone emailed about the size 6X parka. Dude drove about 45 minutes to come try it on. He really wanted it. I handed it to him and his first words are "Whoa! It's big!" Well....yeah, it's a 6X. It's big. WTF? He tried it on. Too big.
Sigh.
After being told what I weighed pre-op, I've had people (here, in Ontario) say to me that they never would've thought I weighed that much. Maybe 250 pounds or something. That, to them, is the highest they can imagine someone weighing. By that I mean that they don't have a concept of what 450 pounds looks like so they can't imagine anyone weighing that much. I guess when you weigh 120 pounds, 250 seems enormous. So maybe that's what's going on with the coats, but in reverse. These people have no concept of a size 6X (because it doesn't exist much up here) but they know they're big; so they show up thinking they'll be able to wear it but can't. It's weird.
So now I don't know what the hell to do with these beautiful, wonderful coats. I know someone would love to have them but those people are certainly not in my area. I don't want to mess around with shipping so e-bay is out. Maybe I'll hang onto them till I go home and have my parents put them up for sale there.
Hm. Maybe I was right all along and I really WAS the biggest person in Canada! I'm kidding. I know I wasn't but I find this misconception of obesity and size by people around me strangely fascinating because I know there wouldn't be this issue in my area of Ohio.
If you know any plus or super plus-size people who need a winter coat, send them my way!
I couldn't find a single, solitary thing to wear in stores. Everyone - and I mean everyone - around was smaller than me; indeed, most people were a healthy, normal weight, but even those who were obese weren't as big as I was. The difference in the appearance of the population between my hometown in south-central Ohio and here was jarring to me, especially at first. Most of the time, I felt like a freak. I hadn't felt that to the same degree at home because there were a lot of people around who looked like me. Unfortunately.
When I arrived here 10 years ago, I complained that sizes in Walmart only went to 3X in clothes and size 10 in shoes. Plus-size specialty stores had sizes up to 4X. Seriously...what the hell was I going to do? My mother-in-law made a lot of my clothes and I did a lot of stocking up on trips home. That's how I avoided scaring folks by walking around naked.
My favorite line was "There are no fat people in Canada!" None like me, anyway!
Since losing weight, I have given away an entire wardrobe of clothes. I sold very little, preferring to give most of it to thrift stores and charities. However, I had some really nice coats that I couldn't see giving away. I mean, a size 4X leather trench coat and a never-worn size 6X parka....there has to be a market for that, right? Someone, somewhere would buy them. So I put them a lot of other offerings on our local Kijiji and figured I'd be rid of them within a few days. If I'd seen this stuff listed pre-op, I would've been jumping for joy, I reasoned. There has to be someone who is having a hard time finding a coat who will be really pleased to take one off my hands.
WRONG.
I first listed them last fall and got lots of responses right away so I was optimistic. But I quickly learned people don't understand the concept of these sizes. I had women show up to try on a size 5X jacket or coat who were clearly much smaller than that. As soon as some of them walked in, I knew. "What the hell are people thinking?" I would ask Erich. "You can't wear a 5X if you're clearly a 2 or 3X!" Every time someone came by, the coats were too big for them. Always.
I sold two out of 16 items.
After briefly considering giving them all away, I decided to keep four of the nicer, more expensive ones and gave the rest away because well, one of my old coats takes up the room of three or four in my new size. I needed the space. So this past fall, I re-listed the four. No hits. Not a single one!
Finally, this past weekend, someone emailed about the size 6X parka. Dude drove about 45 minutes to come try it on. He really wanted it. I handed it to him and his first words are "Whoa! It's big!" Well....yeah, it's a 6X. It's big. WTF? He tried it on. Too big.
Sigh.
After being told what I weighed pre-op, I've had people (here, in Ontario) say to me that they never would've thought I weighed that much. Maybe 250 pounds or something. That, to them, is the highest they can imagine someone weighing. By that I mean that they don't have a concept of what 450 pounds looks like so they can't imagine anyone weighing that much. I guess when you weigh 120 pounds, 250 seems enormous. So maybe that's what's going on with the coats, but in reverse. These people have no concept of a size 6X (because it doesn't exist much up here) but they know they're big; so they show up thinking they'll be able to wear it but can't. It's weird.
So now I don't know what the hell to do with these beautiful, wonderful coats. I know someone would love to have them but those people are certainly not in my area. I don't want to mess around with shipping so e-bay is out. Maybe I'll hang onto them till I go home and have my parents put them up for sale there.
Hm. Maybe I was right all along and I really WAS the biggest person in Canada! I'm kidding. I know I wasn't but I find this misconception of obesity and size by people around me strangely fascinating because I know there wouldn't be this issue in my area of Ohio.
If you know any plus or super plus-size people who need a winter coat, send them my way!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
So you're considering bariatric surgery?
As I mentioned in my last blog, a friend of mine recently had gastric bypass surgery at a nearby hospital. He came through everything just fine, as expected. There is no doubt in my mind he will be successful - because he totally rocks - and I am so excited to bear witness to the wonderful journey on which he has embarked.
There are a few other friends of mine who are either considering surgery or completing preliminary programs and waiting on a surgery date. While no beacon of knowledge, I make myself available to those who have questions and concerns. I've been through this and like to think I can add something to the table. However, I also make it clear that my experience is mine alone. Everyone's is different and you should only do what you and your doctor feel is right for you.
Looking back through old posts recently, it occurs to me probably one of the most valuable things I can give to those who are searching for answers - beyond answering individual questions, which I'm happy to do - is direct them to the blogs I wrote surrounding my surgery date. Maybe start in late June, 2009 and continue on through July. My surgery date was July 7, 2009 and I wrote about the actual surgical procedure and its aftermath here.
Day one of my pre-op liquid diet, and a particular passage caught my eye:
This is something all bariatric patients, including myself, need to remember when the going gets tough. It's also true for those who haven't had the surgery. It's hard, it sucks some days, but it's all worth it in the end. I haven't spoken to anyone, personally, who wouldn't repeat the surgery and go through all the bullshit over again. I was very lucky and had very few physical side effects. Most of my issues were psychological and I still struggle with those.
Recovery from food addiction and obesity is a lifelong process, like recovery from anything else. There are times when I fall off the proverbial wagon and have to chase it down again, scrambling back on with both hands and holding on for dear life. If I don't, I'll end up right back where I started and I want to ride that wagon, baby! Take me far away from the behavior patters I made in the past, please. It's not easy or something that will ever be effortless, at least not for me. Choices are made each day to be healthy, to continue living. You'd think that would be effortless and a no-brainer but it's not. When your demons get a hold of you, they are difficult to eradicate.
There are also a couple links to the side of this blog I found helpful but I will also put them here for those who are interested. The woman who started the website from which they originated doesn't update anymore but she left everything up and it's a good read. After you get to these FAQ sections, I would suggest clicking around her site via the links on the top right of those pages:
FAQs for pre-ops
FAQs for post-ops
Again, her experience differs from mine and yours will likely be different from both of ours, but it's still worth checking out, in my opinion.
Good luck to everyone choosing a healthier lifestyle, whether it's through surgery or not. I'm here for you in any way I can be!
There are a few other friends of mine who are either considering surgery or completing preliminary programs and waiting on a surgery date. While no beacon of knowledge, I make myself available to those who have questions and concerns. I've been through this and like to think I can add something to the table. However, I also make it clear that my experience is mine alone. Everyone's is different and you should only do what you and your doctor feel is right for you.
Looking back through old posts recently, it occurs to me probably one of the most valuable things I can give to those who are searching for answers - beyond answering individual questions, which I'm happy to do - is direct them to the blogs I wrote surrounding my surgery date. Maybe start in late June, 2009 and continue on through July. My surgery date was July 7, 2009 and I wrote about the actual surgical procedure and its aftermath here.
Day one of my pre-op liquid diet, and a particular passage caught my eye:
Right now, I'm in a much better mood than I thought I'd be. I've been on the verge of tears a few times, but overall I'm ok. I'm hungry, but I'll live. The first day is always the worst. But what I'm doing now to overcome this lifelong, debilitating affliction is a small price to pay for living long enough to hear one more song; read one more book; feel one more hug or kiss - write one more word.
It'll be worth it.
This is something all bariatric patients, including myself, need to remember when the going gets tough. It's also true for those who haven't had the surgery. It's hard, it sucks some days, but it's all worth it in the end. I haven't spoken to anyone, personally, who wouldn't repeat the surgery and go through all the bullshit over again. I was very lucky and had very few physical side effects. Most of my issues were psychological and I still struggle with those.
Recovery from food addiction and obesity is a lifelong process, like recovery from anything else. There are times when I fall off the proverbial wagon and have to chase it down again, scrambling back on with both hands and holding on for dear life. If I don't, I'll end up right back where I started and I want to ride that wagon, baby! Take me far away from the behavior patters I made in the past, please. It's not easy or something that will ever be effortless, at least not for me. Choices are made each day to be healthy, to continue living. You'd think that would be effortless and a no-brainer but it's not. When your demons get a hold of you, they are difficult to eradicate.
There are also a couple links to the side of this blog I found helpful but I will also put them here for those who are interested. The woman who started the website from which they originated doesn't update anymore but she left everything up and it's a good read. After you get to these FAQ sections, I would suggest clicking around her site via the links on the top right of those pages:
FAQs for pre-ops
FAQs for post-ops
Again, her experience differs from mine and yours will likely be different from both of ours, but it's still worth checking out, in my opinion.
Good luck to everyone choosing a healthier lifestyle, whether it's through surgery or not. I'm here for you in any way I can be!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Cool clothes?
Shallow blog alert:
Clothes are weird. When people lose weight, you hear about them going nuts buying clothes because of the sudden abundance of choices. Now, of course I did that - the sheer joy of owning things I was never able to fit into was not lost on me. But now that I'm "settling" into maintenance I have noticed something: Clothes are still difficult to find.
At first, I just wanted the damn shirt because it was a 2X...or a 1X...then an XL. I can wear it? Then I must have it!!! Right now!!! There were things in my closet that, in the clear light of day, made me go WTF? much like taking off beer goggles the morning after a drunken one-night stand.
Wandering around any random women's clothing department, nowadays I'm trying to be much pickier about what finds its way into my cart. And here's the thing - most of the time, I prefer the styles of the plus-size department. Shocked? Not more than me.
So I got to thinking about this....why? For years, I assumed I wore the clothes I was physically able to wear for that lone reason. They fit on my body, so I bought them. Of course, I couldn't wear many things in the plus-size department anyway; I was too big, even for them. But I wanted to. Badly. And sometimes I still do. I'm not sure if I grew to like the styles because of necessity or what but in some instances I find myself turning my nose up at the offerings in the misses' department and wishing I could find something small enough in plus sizes.
Weird, huh?
Just another thing I bet most people don't consider when beginning a weight-loss journey. I know, I know....cry me a river. And honestly, it's not a huge thing but it's on my mind so now you're going to read about it. Sorry!
It's not all about patterns and colours. My new body is also a big factor in why it's difficult to find things that suit me because I often discover I need the cut of a plus size (nipped-in waist, fuller cut in the tummy/hips) but the numbers on the tag aren't small enough. The "regular" clothes aren't cut for someone with all this extra skin. Spanx helps but doesn't work miracles.
So the hunt for cool clothes is never ending for us all, right? To be continued...
A shout-out to a very special reader/friend who will go under the knife this week and start his own weight-loss journey: You know who you are. Good luck and I'm merely an email or phone call away if you need anything. You're going to do this and kick ass. I know it! *hugs*
Clothes are weird. When people lose weight, you hear about them going nuts buying clothes because of the sudden abundance of choices. Now, of course I did that - the sheer joy of owning things I was never able to fit into was not lost on me. But now that I'm "settling" into maintenance I have noticed something: Clothes are still difficult to find.
At first, I just wanted the damn shirt because it was a 2X...or a 1X...then an XL. I can wear it? Then I must have it!!! Right now!!! There were things in my closet that, in the clear light of day, made me go WTF? much like taking off beer goggles the morning after a drunken one-night stand.
Wandering around any random women's clothing department, nowadays I'm trying to be much pickier about what finds its way into my cart. And here's the thing - most of the time, I prefer the styles of the plus-size department. Shocked? Not more than me.
So I got to thinking about this....why? For years, I assumed I wore the clothes I was physically able to wear for that lone reason. They fit on my body, so I bought them. Of course, I couldn't wear many things in the plus-size department anyway; I was too big, even for them. But I wanted to. Badly. And sometimes I still do. I'm not sure if I grew to like the styles because of necessity or what but in some instances I find myself turning my nose up at the offerings in the misses' department and wishing I could find something small enough in plus sizes.
Weird, huh?
Just another thing I bet most people don't consider when beginning a weight-loss journey. I know, I know....cry me a river. And honestly, it's not a huge thing but it's on my mind so now you're going to read about it. Sorry!
It's not all about patterns and colours. My new body is also a big factor in why it's difficult to find things that suit me because I often discover I need the cut of a plus size (nipped-in waist, fuller cut in the tummy/hips) but the numbers on the tag aren't small enough. The "regular" clothes aren't cut for someone with all this extra skin. Spanx helps but doesn't work miracles.
So the hunt for cool clothes is never ending for us all, right? To be continued...
A shout-out to a very special reader/friend who will go under the knife this week and start his own weight-loss journey: You know who you are. Good luck and I'm merely an email or phone call away if you need anything. You're going to do this and kick ass. I know it! *hugs*
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Making a list
I came across an old forgotten list yesterday. No heading, but I can guess the topic:
- Walk long distances
- Buy any clothes I want
- Not worry about width or strength of seats at concerts, movies, etc.
- Sit in a booth
- Cross my legs
- Sit on Erich's lap
- More energy
- Have people easily pass by me at my workstation
- Stand **UP** at concerts or just in general
- Never be embarrassed to be seen again
So let's take stock of these goals:
- Well, I officially walked a 5K but I certainly have walked farther than that, too. So I think that counts. It's funny that I put this at the top of the list...maybe it was because when I started exercising, I could only walk a few feet before wanting to stop due to the pain and breathlessness.
- It took me a long time to not think too much about the strength and width of seats before I sat down, but I don't too much anymore. The fear has lessened greatly.
- Every time I sit in a booth, I am happy. I think about how I once couldn't do that every time I climb into one. And I will sit in a booth everywhere if I can. 20+ years of answering "Table" to the question "Booth or table?" is o-v-e-r.
- I now cross my legs as a matter of comfort. It's how I prefer to sit. Unthinkable pre-op.
- I still feel odd sitting on Erich's lap but I love to do it. Just because I can.
- More energy is a given.
- This took a long time to get over as well. Until recently, I pushed my chair in when I sensed someone was about to walk behind me at work. But slowly, I'm understanding that it's no longer an issue.
- I can stand and rock out for an entire show then walk blocks and blocks back to my car. No sweat.
- I'm not embarrassed to be seen anywhere. Being in a bathing suit on a beach in the Dominican Republic went a long way towards easing that fear!
I guess I was brainstorming? Probably thinking of things to write about. Most likely these goals did become part of the history of this blog, as they became history in my life. I think it's safe to say I've accomplished them all with the exception of the second one. "Buying any clothes I want" isn't going to happen without skin-removal surgery which isn't going to happen without a winning lottery ticket. But if that's all I have to worry about then I'm good. And I do pretty well - last month I bought two size-10 dresses. I've decided to buy all my clothes at Sears now, since the sizing is obviously skewed as I am NOT a size 10. However, a label is a label! :)))
This list seems like it was created pretty early in my journey. So much has happened to me, it seems like a lifetime ago when I felt that way. Yet it also seems like yesterday. Some people, after they lose a lot of weight, say "I don't even know that person. She/he isn't me anymore." They shake their heads at their former selves and shudder. But I don't feel that way at all. That was me; it IS me. How can I forget her or have any malice toward her? She kept me alive for 40 years and I am grateful to her for her strength in the creation of the NEW me.
I don't want to forget the woman who made this list. If I do, I will lose myself and fail.
And she is a winner. Oh yeah! She is!
- Walk long distances
- Buy any clothes I want
- Not worry about width or strength of seats at concerts, movies, etc.
- Sit in a booth
- Cross my legs
- Sit on Erich's lap
- More energy
- Have people easily pass by me at my workstation
- Stand **UP** at concerts or just in general
- Never be embarrassed to be seen again
So let's take stock of these goals:
- Well, I officially walked a 5K but I certainly have walked farther than that, too. So I think that counts. It's funny that I put this at the top of the list...maybe it was because when I started exercising, I could only walk a few feet before wanting to stop due to the pain and breathlessness.
- It took me a long time to not think too much about the strength and width of seats before I sat down, but I don't too much anymore. The fear has lessened greatly.
- Every time I sit in a booth, I am happy. I think about how I once couldn't do that every time I climb into one. And I will sit in a booth everywhere if I can. 20+ years of answering "Table" to the question "Booth or table?" is o-v-e-r.
- I now cross my legs as a matter of comfort. It's how I prefer to sit. Unthinkable pre-op.
- I still feel odd sitting on Erich's lap but I love to do it. Just because I can.
- More energy is a given.
- This took a long time to get over as well. Until recently, I pushed my chair in when I sensed someone was about to walk behind me at work. But slowly, I'm understanding that it's no longer an issue.
- I can stand and rock out for an entire show then walk blocks and blocks back to my car. No sweat.
- I'm not embarrassed to be seen anywhere. Being in a bathing suit on a beach in the Dominican Republic went a long way towards easing that fear!
I guess I was brainstorming? Probably thinking of things to write about. Most likely these goals did become part of the history of this blog, as they became history in my life. I think it's safe to say I've accomplished them all with the exception of the second one. "Buying any clothes I want" isn't going to happen without skin-removal surgery which isn't going to happen without a winning lottery ticket. But if that's all I have to worry about then I'm good. And I do pretty well - last month I bought two size-10 dresses. I've decided to buy all my clothes at Sears now, since the sizing is obviously skewed as I am NOT a size 10. However, a label is a label! :)))
This list seems like it was created pretty early in my journey. So much has happened to me, it seems like a lifetime ago when I felt that way. Yet it also seems like yesterday. Some people, after they lose a lot of weight, say "I don't even know that person. She/he isn't me anymore." They shake their heads at their former selves and shudder. But I don't feel that way at all. That was me; it IS me. How can I forget her or have any malice toward her? She kept me alive for 40 years and I am grateful to her for her strength in the creation of the NEW me.
I don't want to forget the woman who made this list. If I do, I will lose myself and fail.
And she is a winner. Oh yeah! She is!
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