It's t-shirt tiiiime!!!

Hello, my name is Cindy and I am addicted to t-shirts.

I bought two new t-shirts yesterday and after I hung them up in my closet, I thought "Damn. I'm getting quite the collection here!" I've always been a t-shirt sort of girl, but as much as I have always loved music and sports, I never had t-shirts to proclaim my love for my favorite band or team - or my support for a cause, or pride in heritage.

I did have a man's size-6x Ohio State shirt that I found once in a big and tall shop in Columbus, Ohio. I *treasured* that shirt and wore it till it was basically a rag.

When I was in high school, there were no shirts or jerseys for me. I was pretty much the only one who didn't have anything to wear come game day. Same for college.

A lifelong Cincinnati Bengals fan, I remember having one shirt when I was in junior high - it was also a find from a man's big & tall shop. You know, I still don't have a Bengals shirt! I have looked when I go home and, oddly enough, can't find them anywhere. I guess I'll have to order one online.

I'm going a little crazy buying every one I can get my hands on. At least I'm not buying designer dresses, huh? The affordability of this habit makes it hard to say no. LOL! Erich can't complain because he feeds the addiction. There have been several times when I've been in a store trying to choose between two shirts and he takes them from me and tosses them both in the cart. I guess he thinks I deserve to splurge a bit!

Take Bo Bice t-shirts for example. I can't tell you how it always killed me that I couldn't wear one. I spent almost 5 years sighing heavily at merch tables and online listings, wishing for a damn Bo Bice t-shirt. When I bought my first one, at the fan club party last year in Nashville during CMA Fest, you would've thought I had just scored the Holy Grail. I was a happy, happy girl that day! I have five years' worth of merch to buy...!!!!

Here are just a few in my ever-growing collection (click to enlarge):











Here's a link to all of them: T-shirt album.

There aren't enough days in the week to wear all of this stuff so I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Most of them I can't really wear to work even though my office is very casual (I would find it difficult to work in an environment where I couldn't wear jeans & a t-shirt to the office...sorry). I guess I'll just keep buying them till I'm satisfied that I'm all caught up on the stuff I should've been able to wear all these years. If that's the worst I do, then I'm ok.

I lost one pound last week, so that's six in total for The Biggest Loser's Pound for Pound Challenge that a lot of us Bo fans are doing to support Second Harvest of Middle Tennessee. We're up to over 100 pledges now! Come on...you can even pledge maintenance if you have nothing to lose and that counts as 10 pounds - which means 10 pounds of food for Second Harvest. You know you wanna!

Does it take a village?

Anyone who has ever tried to lose weight knows the importance of a support system. For success to happen, you must surround yourself with people who have your best interests at heart. Friends who cheer you on when you finally leap over that plateau; family that beams with pride when you walk into a room.

A group mentality of hope nearly always overrides a singular cry of doubt. I've blogged about how fans of Bo Bice are coming together to participate in The Biggest LoserPound for Pound Challenge. Separately, we've all tried to lose weight for years - like most everyone else in the country. Together, we are doing it. It's the group mentality of "WE CAN DO THIS"!

In my blog Broadcast Motivation, I neglected to mention a new show called Village on a Diet. The tiny town of Taylor, British Columbia has banded together to get healthy. Each week they strive towards a common goal - to lose one ton in 10 weeks. The motivation they give each other is wonderful to see. Last week they climbed a huge hill on the outskirts of town as a community; literally and figuratively.

Everyone needs people to help them get up the hill. I know for myself, my weight-loss journey would've been infinitely more difficult without all of you. I know every person reading this is in my corner - what could be more motivating than that? If so many people think I'm worth having a long, healthy life then how can I argue? My friends - close by and far away - my family, my co-workers. I've been very lucky.

I've heard horror stories about husbands bringing home donuts to a dieting wife or a cousin pooh-poohing someone's agonizing but life-changing decision to have gastric bypass as "the easy way out". No one has ever done those things to me. I am extremely grateful for that.

However, lack of support can come from some surprising sources. When you do something this *BIG*, you tend to find out who your real friends are. Maybe they're not comfortable with you changing so much. Maybe they're afraid you'll find new friends and leave them behind. Or maybe they're just jealous. Try not to let it get you down.

A stellar support system is crucial but in the end, the discipline and hard work has to come from you. As Oprah Winfrey once said, "It's my ass on the treadmill!" Absolutely! Oprah's up-and-down dress sizes clearly illustrates that. No chef, trainer, cheerleader or surgical procedure can do it for you. All that can certainly help but it's really up to you to find it within yourself to decide you're worth the effort to get off the couch and into the gym; to put down the cupcake and pick up the apple.

So we do need support but never forget it's YOU who are doing this and YOU deserve the credit. You rock! Now pat yourself on the back and get your ass to the gym.

Who knows what?

The arrival of the new year as me thinking about the next steps in my journey. People always ask me if I'm "done" now that I reached my goal weight. I may be done losing weight - and the jury's still out on that - but I'll never be done watching my weight. I'll never be done trying new things and celebrating life in this body. I feel very grateful that I had the good sense to take a second chance on ME and believe life itself is not something to be taken for granted anymore.

So what's next? Who knows what?

Well, one thing I do know is I have a lot I want to try. New things that pique my interest, and a split second before dismissal have me thinking HEY! I could possibly physically DO that! Maybe I'll try it!

Horseback riding. I have only been on a horse once that I can recall, when I was a small child. My maternal grandfather was alive so I was probably between 5 and 7 years old. Too much of an animal lover to even consider this an option pre-op - I mean, the poor horse! - for some reason this is on my radar screen lately.

Rock-wall climbing. Dangling off a real cliff isn't my idea of a great time, at least not for my first time, but I can see me trying to scale a rock wall. The dangling part could maybe come later. It would be fun to see if I could actually do it, if I'm strong enough.

Karate? Yes, I'm putting a question mark after that because if I don't, there's a high probability of the men in little white coats coming to haul me away. We got a coupon catalog in the mail and I ripped that page out. There's no coupon on the page but it intrigues me for some reason. Let me tell you right now that Cindy has no balance, little patience and practically zero desire to jump around in a white robe with a roomful of people. So I have no idea why this appeals to me. But it does. So I keep looking at the page and wondering if I could give it a shot.

Zumba. I keep hearing such great things about Zumba, which is sorta like a dancing/cardio mix thing, that it's the first class I've been interested in taking. Aye, but there's the rub. It's a class. The gym Barbies don't intimidate me as much as they used to, but I still don't want to jump around in a well-lit, mirrored room with them. It's something I really need to just GET OVER and do it. Take a class, any class, just to get over my fear.

Everything I want to do at this point seems to over the top compared to the days when I simply longed to walk across the floor without sweating. Cross my legs. Sit on my husband's lap. Stand up for an hour or two and watch my favorite singer. All of that stuff is so automatic now but I try never to forget how difficult it was to get here. Never take it for granted.

Do I want to lose even more weight? That's a toughie. I don't think I need to, but I kinda want to. So I guess I won't be happy till I do, right? I'll cross that bridge when I pull up to it.

So those are just a few things rambling around in my head. The sky's really the limit here, people. Who knows what?

Broadcast motivation

Ok, so it's time to get back on the horse and go back to the pre-holiday routine. I admit, I went off the rails a bit. I'm not beating myself up too badly though - to me, it seems pretty normal to eat a little more and gain a few pounds in December. It'll come off just getting back to doing what I should be doing. The key to holiday overindulgence is not to let it become a habit. It's easier said than done, I know, but really...un-doing all my hard work over a sugar cookie just ain't gonna happen.

Plus there's new incentive to do well. A good friend of mine, Debbie, has set up a group called Bo Peeps through the show The Biggest Loser for their Pound for Pound Challenge. For every pound we lose, the show will donate 11 cents to Feeding America. That's enough for one pound of food for the local food bank of your choice. We are pledging for Second Harvest of Middle Tennessee which is a charity close to Bo's heart. Uh. That's Bo Bice, of course. Do you know me at all? If you check us out on the teams page, you will see a link to our Facebook page. Why not try it? You just click on the 'pledge' tab and follow the steps. If you want to pledge for Second Harvest of Middle Tennessee, use the zip code 37228. But you can pledge for any food bank you like; just join the Bo Peeps team! So far we have 76 members pledging 2,168 pounds. You can also pledge maintenance, which they count as the equivalent of 10 pounds.

Here is Bo volunteering for Second Harvest. I love the first line - Bo is a joker!


I pledged 10 pounds. That'll take me to 189. I know I always said that 194 was my goal and I didn't care if I lost any after that but it wouldn't kill me to lose a few more, as my BMI is still in the 'overweight' category. I hate the frickin' 'charts' that tell you what you're supposed to weigh but I think I need another goal in mind to keep me on track for now. Like I said, it won't kill me.

There's a plethora of motivation on the airwaves to start off the new year! I love to watch shows that focus on weight loss because it gets me off my ass. I watch and think 'if they can do that so can I.' Here are a few to consider. I have my PVR set to record them all:

The Biggest Loser Of course! I was surprised that a new season started so soon after the end of the previous one (less than a month ago), but very happy nonetheless! Last season was a bit of a downer as game play seemed to be more important to some of the contestants than losing weight, but so far this season looks to be quite interesting. Two new trainers are available to the contestants and this is Jillian Michaels' last season at the ranch. That's kinda like Simon Cowell leaving American Idol. The show will never be the same. It's brought me tremendous motivation and clarity over the past two years and I highly recommend the show to anyone, whether you're trying to lose weight or not.

I Used to be Fat follows teenagers in the summer between their senior year and first year of college. I've watched the first two episodes and am reminded of the time I took off 80 pounds my senior year of high school. It was so incredible to be normal. Being fat as a kid or teen is incredibly hard. My weight loss didn't last very long, unfortunately. I'm rooting for these kids, bless their hearts.

Heavy follows people for 6 months as they attempt to transform their lives. It's not a competition; click on the link and watch the video. Inspiration? Oh yeah. It starts January 15 on A&E.

Ruby starts its third season in March on the Style network in the States. Canada has to wait a while after that for it to air on E! Canada, but it's worth the wait. Ruby Gettinger has lost almost 400 pounds. Yes, you read that correctly. If she can do that, you can lose whatever you need to lose. That's it, end of discussion. I watched the first season faithfully then lost track of the second season - they kept moving it around on me! I hope they release it on DVD - the first season is available but only in a 'best of' package which I don't understand. Why not offer full episodes? I love her, she is awesome!

There are also magazines that I'll buy just so I can read the success stories for inspiration. Off The Couch, special editions of Oxygen magazine, is one of my favorites. I'll also buy Wight Watchers, Self, anything I see that can be of help to help me stay on track.

Look around and you'll no doubt find someone's story that will resonate with you. Relating to others helps me in a big way.

Baby, it's cold outside!

Ok, the winter thing is slightly out of hand. I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say that.

I've always been a "hot-natured" person. In my case, this is a politically correct term for "too much insulation" which is in turn another euphemism for "fat". I wore t-shirts year round. I kept a fan on my desk - and used it - even in January. The main reason I stopped wearing bangs is because I would sweat from any and all movement - in any weather - so my hair would be plastered against my forehead. Not a good look.

Last year that changed somewhat. I had lost a good 125 pounds by the time winter rolled around and I definitely could feel the chill more than before. It was an effort to remind myself that I would be cold. Shopping for a new "light coat" before a trip to Nashville last December, I ended up with what was no more than a sweater with a faux-fur lined hood. It was really nice and I was thrilled that I could wear it. But...I was wishing for something heavier while I was there! It continued like that all winter. Cindy - you will be cold, so plan accordingly. A whole new concept, you see.

But this year? I've lost another 125 pounds and well, it feels like friggin' Siberia outside my home in Southern Ontario. Now, for any Americans reading this...it is NOT *that* cold here. Right now it's 22 degrees Fahrenheit outside, with a wind chill of 10. Yeah, that's cold but seriously. It ain't that bad. There are plenty of places in the U.S. where that's not an unreasonable temperature. And I should be used to it. But I'm freezing my ass off!

Erich laughs at me all the time because I used to yearn to be "cold-natured". "It would be much easier to cover up and be comfortable rather than sit and swelter all the time," I reasoned. And I still stand by this even though BOY, did I ever get my wish.

I'm building a wardrobe of sweaters. So, this year, I will actually have a winter and summer wardrobe above the waist. Pre-op, all I had to do was switch out the capris and long, black pants. I shop for long sleeves, warm, fuzzy socks and race to get home so I can turn on the fireplace. I drink hot chocolate (sugar free) nearly every morning because it warms me up when I get to work! (I don't like coffee.) I've turned off the ceiling fan in the bedroom - it used to run year around. I want some warm slippers and long underwear! I use throws and Snuggies. These are all things I've never done in my life.

A dear friend of mine, also a gastric bypass patient, is going through her first winter after losing weight. She said to me recently, "I can't believe how cold it is out there." I had to laugh and agree. It's not colder than normal but to *us* it feels like we've moved to the damn north pole! Hey Santa! Put some tickets to Cuba in the stocking, will ya??

A long time ago, a friend of my mother's said she went to the tanning bed in winter so she could warm up. She was one of those lucky "cold-natured" people - and quite overweight, I might add. So that's not always a barometer to use. However, even though I don't tan (I burn) and have never regularly used tanning beds in my life (even when my parents owned about 10 of them), I briefly considered this option.

I feel like I'm going nuts! LOL!

Another big change I see this winter is in the way I navigate slippery sidewalks and parking lots. When you weigh 450 pounds, you tread carefully. Literally taking baby steps across the wet and ice, you are very aware that if you fall, the results could be disastrous. Will you be able to hoist yourself back up? How badly will you hurt your back or your knees? Imagine 450 pounds crashing down on one knee or straight down on your back. These are the thoughts that run through a super-obese person's head. At least they ran through mine. I also had very little balance and was wobbly on my feet even in the best of circumstances. Even if I didn't fall, the act of simply trying to right myself if I slipped a tiny bit might be enough to send me to the chiropractor and possibly a day off work.

Last winter, I still walked around this way - probably out of habit. But now I notice myself moving with more confidence; an ingrained assurance that I won't fall. And if I do, I can simply pick myself back up and move on. Or, at the very least, the odds are with me. I noticed it for the first time just days ago. I was walking in a Walmart parking lot. I had on boots with a fairly slippery bottom, yet I was moving quickly and with long strides.

It's more than a physical knowledge, this thing of realizing you won't fall. Of not even considering the notion. Of just moving around and about, not even thinking about it. That certainty does something to your mind as well. It changes you in a way that is hard to describe unless you've been there. A word comes to mind that I use over and over again...freedom.

To end things on a light note (and it'll warm you up if you're cold, I promise), let's take a look at the video that inspired the title of this blog. Keep a fan nearby....

Santa-time snacking

How is everyone doing with the holiday-eating thing? Me, it's going ok. I'm striving for balance and it seems to be working thus far.

At this point, at 17 months post-op, I can eat almost anything. I'm lucky in that I haven't had any real serious issues with food consumption since my surgery. There were things that bothered my pouch in the beginning – bread, poultry, sugar – but now I'm in pretty good shape. The 'normal-ness' returned slowly but surely and now I can and do eat just about anything I want. Smoked sausage still bothers me, as does rice. I can have a tiny bit of rice but then my pouch says 'whoa!' You know the thing of not throwing rice at weddings now because the birds eat it and it swells their stomachs? Yeah. That's what happens to me. No idea why the smoked sausage is a problem. Sugar is ok now in small quantities but I still need to take it easy on an empty stomach. I found that out the hard way; I still never have had a dumping episode, though. I'm very proud of that!

I'm upping the exercise intensity at the gym, doing up to a 15 incline on the treadmill and pushing myself to go farther, faster. It’s a trade off, right? If you’re going to indulge a bit then you have to work it off.

Especially now with Christmas approaching, there is ample opportunity to go completely off the rails. I don't have to tell you it's not always easy to stay on track. There will always be a part of me, inside, that desperately wants to eat, eat, eat. I call her Zelda. Why? I dunno, I just do. Zelda usually comes out to play when I'm bored or tired. She wants snacks. Snacking is a big thing with me – I'd rather snack all day and night than eat meals. I'm also a person who would rather have 10 little things with $100 than one quality item. I want variety! I sometimes have trouble making up my mind, I guess. Zelda likes fries and Tim Hortons Timbits. Now some of that is ok. I truly believe you never have to give up all things that are “bad” for you. But sometimes Zelda has to be squashed or I'd end up right back where I started.

I think about food a lot. That's the thing, right? If you want to eat well, you kinda have to put a lot of thought into what you're eating which can be a problem. If you have an addiction to something, it’s tough to have to constantly think about it. Sometimes the healthy eating is automatic but most of the time, it's a CHOICE and something that I have to be conscious of doing. My hope is that one day it will be automatic. I'm still in the learning stages of this stuff and I don't mind telling you it's a struggle sometimes. I swear it'd be easier to quit crack. At least you don't have to weigh and measure your acceptable daily crack dose and have the strength to turn away another hit. You just stop smoking crack. Period.

I have the energy to cook and bake now and I'll be damned if I wasn't going to do it just because it'd be a sin to have treats in the house. I made them. They're here. And I do eat them sometimes. Like I said – up the workout, shoot for better eating at mealtime. So far it hasn't shown up on the scale too much at all so I must be doing something right. Water is so important, too. Drink, drink, drink.

Some of you may remember that I put my wedding set away almost a year and a half ago when it nearly fell off my finger while I was swimming laps in the pool. Well, since I reached my goal, I recently got them re-sized and can you believe I have size 6 fingers? I sure as hell can't! I was probably 6 years old the last time I had size 6 fingers. When Erich bought my engagement ring in 2001, he simply tried it on himself to see whether or not I could wear it. It was a size 11. How does a person lose 5 sizes in their damn FINGERS? It blew me away.

Another funny story: I wanted to wear a nice watch to Erich's company Christmas party. My regular Italian-charm Bo Bice watch didn't seem quite right. LOL! So I dug around in my jewelry box and I don't have a single watch that I can wear. Nada. I spent so much time searching and so much money paying extra for bigger things and now I have no use for them. It makes me kinda sad in a way. All this stuff that I can't wear anymore. All my rings, bracelets, watches - even my necklaces are too long. So I bought a cute watch from Avon thinking I could wear it. Uh, wrong. Even it was too big! So I have to take it to a jewelry store and get links taken out. Gah. Nice thing to complain about, I suppose!

I wore a dress for the party. Yes, Cindy put on a dress. I do not do dresses. Erich said “Oh! I see a little leg!” LMAO!! Plus I wore the hooker boots he bought me that I can actually walk in now. We clean up pretty well, although that dress didn't look the way I thought it would on me for some reason. I did try it on, but I dunno. I was a little disappointed. Here's a pic:



I have an appointment on the 18th to get my goal tattoo. It took me a while to make up my mind about exactly what I wanted. It will be a heart like the others, but with butterfly wings. I think it'll turn out great.

One last thing: I am freezing to death. Seriously. Layers, fireplace on, dryer running – I’m comfortable now. Erich will come home and feel like he’s in a sauna.

Who I am

I've been looking back at photographs tonight and thinking about what I've done and who I've become by getting here. So many people tell me I'm different inside as well as outside.

Who am I now, after the journey from there:


to here?


I am happy. What does happy mean? People tell me I am optimistic now in a way I wasn't before all of this. That I smile more; there is a weight lifted from me emotionally. I think a lot of this has to do with simply feeling better physically. Being more active makes you feel better. All my co-morbidities (diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea) are gone and I am more energetic. I can sleep at night! I can think more clearly and my body doesn't betray me anymore. All of this would improve anyone's mood. LOL! There's also a self-awareness that has come along with weight loss. Which brings me to the following:

I am strong - physically and emotionally. I understand my own depth now. Some of that comes with age. When I was younger, I was "the tough one", not one to cry easily. But real strength comes from not being afraid to show people how you feel. Erich gets a lot of credit here, too. He makes me feel secure and loved. With emotional awareness and strength comes physical prowess. The perfect storm for finding the power within yourself to change. It's all mind over matter (well, most of it is, anyway).

I am fearless. There's the ziplining and the roller coasters and stuff, sure. But it's more than that. Losing this weight has taught me that I can do just about anything so why not try it? I'm like a child wanting to push the envelope and try, do anything I can. I have very little fear of anything these days.

I am free. The physical and emotional baggage that comes with 250 extra pounds can't be overstated. Being obese my whole life did something to my soul, tethering me to doubt and grief. I was grieving for a life I didn't even know was out there; held back and not realizing it. Is there anything worse than confinement in a prison of your own making?? It means you and you alone are responsible for your liberation. It took me a long time to understand that. I'm still frustrated in other areas of my life because of this one truth; but I'll get there. I'll make changes one at a time. I'll do it because I am worth it!

I am honest. You must be truthful with yourself. Don't kid yourself and think you can skip a week or two of workouts (been there, done that). Don't kid yourself and think you can have the bag of potato chips and not pay for it later. This has carried itself into other areas of my life. Truth is kind. It is your friend, even though you may not always see it that way at first. It makes you happy, strong, fearless and free. That's it.

So much has happened in the past couple of years. I may not be the best person to give advice but what the hell, here it is, paraphrasing a wise quote from Dr. Phil (oh, yes...THAT Dr. Phil): The only thing worse than being in an abusive relationship for 10 years, or however long, is being in that relationship for 10 years and one day. I was in an abusive relationship with myself. Make the change NOW. I wish I'd done it decades ago, but I can't think about all that's lost. All I can do is move forward. And seriously...you can, too.

Record keeping

As I'm thinking about buying new calendars for 2011 I noticed that I will need a new one for my purse. It was a two-year planner and MAN ALIVE! What a two years it has been!

I know I've showed my planner to a few people in person but I don't think I've ever blogged about it. Before all this started back in February 2009, I went to the dollar store and grabbed a small planner so I could keep track of my doctors' appointments and stuff. The first entry is in late January reminding me of an appointment at the sleep lab. I was being tested for sleep apnea, which I would learn was quite severe.

February is more active because well, that's when all hell broke loose. Thank goodness! I had the two-day seminar/surgeon appointment in Detroit and I decided to keep track of my weight by writing it down. Back then, I weighed in on Tuesdays. I chose Tuesday because I'd been to see Dr. Genaw for the first time on the 4th and he told me to lose 40 pounds. My birthday was on the 7th; I didn't want to diet on my birthday! I had birthday dinners planned over the weekend and on the Monday. So I chose to start my pre-op "diet" on the 10th - a Tuesday. The "mask fitting" note is for my sleep apnea mask. The pictures aren't great but you get the idea. As always, click to enlarge:



It looks like I lost six pounds over that weekend but really it was four. My scales at the time were not in sync with the ones in Detroit but I wouldn't figure that out for a while yet. LOL!

Here are another couple of months pre-op. May 2009 seemed to be particularly challenging. That was month my grandmother passed away. She was not well and I eventually traveled to Ohio, staying for over a week till she passed and helping with the funeral, etc., and dealing with all the stress. I was going through losing one of the two most important women in my life, the surgery date looming over me and knowing I needed to lose a lot more weight by then. I was a wreck, pretty much....



But I got my shit together and managed to lose over 70 pounds by my surgery date, making Dr. Genaw VERY happy. A couple of weeks later I got new scales that were more accurate. I still use them, even though I don't need the 450-lb. capacity anymore or the 'talk' feature. I can see past my stomach now and look at the numbers myself. I actually turned the 'talk' feature off because the new kittens were stepping all over it all the time and all I ever heard from the hall was "Hello. I'm ready." GAH!

July was great but looks like I hit a plateau in October. I remember thinking WTF? I should be losing more. I think my body just needed a break. Things were back on track by December when I rewarded myself with a trip to Nashville. That was one of the best trips ever! Sure wish I could go again this year!



Sometimes it seems like the scale isn't moving at all. And truth is sometimes it doesn't! But the sun will rise tomorrow. Having these records helped me to see that even if I had a rough patch, I always - always - came out of it and started losing again. Just keep on keepin' on! Never give up. Witness April/May 2010 - nothing the first three weeks then BAM! and we're rollin' again. I had little gains, too, but I always bounced back.



The Summer of Cindy was a very busy time. I felt like my weight loss over the summer completely sucked but when I looked back I could see that really, there was still a downward spiral (which in this case, is a good thing). The numbers on the right of the page still went down, generally.



It took me longer than I anticipated or wanted, but eventually I did reach my goal! I was weighing myself almost every day at the end. LOL! The suspense was making me crazy and honestly, the stress I put on myself probably caused me to hold onto the pounds a little longer than necessary. It's all water under the bridge now.



I guess you got a glimpse into all the other stuff I was doing with my planner besides tracking my weight :) I blogged about most of it anyway, so there's nothing earth shattering in there.

So anyway, I thought I'd share my little record book with you all to show that I think it's very important to have a tangible reminder that things will be ok. You'll get over the plateau and make it through whatever crap is happening to REACH YOUR GOAL. It may not be on your timeline but you'll get there!

My weight since reaching my goal has been up a pound or two, down a pound or two. I'm "hovering" around my goal weight which is what I'm supposed to be doing, I think! The quest for normal is an ongoing thing: How do I just BE? Just live my life, try to eat and exercise the best I can and get on with it. I don't want to obsess about it. So far, I'm doing ok.

Gimme some skin (or not)

Did I say in my last installment to look for a few new blogs soon? Um...sorry. I had the best intentions but pfffft...

I've blogged before about wanting to have a panniculectomy to remove excess skin on my midsection. A panniculectomy is different from a tummy tuck (abdomnioplasty); a tummy tuck tightens the muscle as well as removes excess skin and fat, but a panniculectomy only removes excess skin and fat. The panniculectomy is, from everything I'd read and heard about, the procedure that OHIP (Ontario Health Insurance Plan) might cover. A couple of weeks ago, I went to a doctor in London, Ontario, to see about having this surgery. I understand that in most cases, OHIP will not cover the cost of a panniculectomy. But sometimes they do. I had to go find out for myself if I would be a viable candidate. I figured what did I have to lose?

Well, apparently, I had to lose almost two entire days off work, a lot of my sanity and $80.00 (not counting gas money and cell phone charges).

There was a huge mix-up for my first appointment. Long story short: I was told to go to one location, went there and couldn't find the doctor! No one in the building had ever heard of her. No sign, no note, no nothing mentioning her at all. I kept calling her office trying to find out what the deal was. No answer. I left message after message, flagging them as 'urgent' and incurring long-distance roaming charges as there is no nationwide long-distance thing here in Canada. When a very nice lady at the hospital (totally NOT where the doctor told me to go but where her usual office is located) finally reached her, basically the response was "Yes, she had an appointment today. I was there and she wasn't. She needs to re-book."

"But she's come all the way from Kitchener (Kitchener is about 50 miles from London). She and her husband have taken off work. Can you possibly see her today?"

"No. I'm on the way home."

WHAT????? I was more than a little furious. She's in the car and won't turn around for me to come in for 20 fucking minutes so I don't have to do this all over again next week?? When it's HER fault I didn't see her? Seriously??

I was thinking maybe I didn't even want to deal with this doctor. However, she had just performed this surgery on a friend of mine - a fellow gastric bypass patient - who liked her very much. My friend's surgery was covered by OHIP so I knew this doctor knew how to work the system. After having to take my family doctor by the hand and lead her through the gastric-bypass process, that was important to me. Also, this doctor has a specialty in patients who have gone through massive weight loss. So I was going to call the next day and re-book. One more chance. BUT....she better not try to charge me a missed-appointment fee. Then we would fight. LOL!

I was at my desk at work for less than 10 minutes the next morning when her receptionist called me back to re-book. No apology. No nothing. There was a specific suite in the building I needed to go to. No one told me that; I looked over the notes I took when I was on the phone with her before the first appointment - nothing. I'm a pretty good note-taker. When people call me at work requesting changes to their printing designs/jobs, I have to be specific. So I still think she just didn't tell me this very important information.

"You realize," I said, "all of this could've been avoided if I could've simply reached someone at your office by phone." Sill no apology. She just said she wasn't answering the phone in that office, at the hospital, that day. Or returning messages flagged 'urgent', either, I suppose. Whatever. Re-booked for the following Monday.

I went alone this time as I didn't want Erich to have to take off work again. The doctor was indeed very nice (her receptionist leaves a lot to be desired, however, even in person) and I did like her. She was very impressed with my weight loss and said it was among the highest percentages she'd seen. She also told me I had more excess skin than she normally sees. Great! Maybe that would mean my chances of having the surgery covered would be better! Not so much.

"OHIP isn't in the business of covering tummy tucks," she began. Yeah, I know that! Not asking for a tummy tuck. While I do have a lot of excess skin, I haven't had any huge medical issues with it. By that, she said she means something requiring antibiotics or hospital stays. She said she could see I had some issues (which I'll spare you), but it's not enough. Not even worth applying to OHIP about.

That'll be $80.00 please! Cha-ching! At least there was no mention of a missed-appointment fee.

So yeah. I guess that ship has sailed and we're done! I have to learn to love my rolls, even though they aren't filled with anything anymore. LOL!

I did ask her opinion on how much skin there was - if she were to remove it all, how much would it be? Again she said I had more than the average patient, but it's never the magic 30 pounds everyone thinks it is! I can see that for sure. She told me her estimate would be 10-12 pounds. Now that's the removal of the skin everywhere - complete tummy tuck, upper arms, thighs. So I guess that would mean I'd hover around 180-185 without the skin. Still too much for the 'charts'. Maybe I should lose another 10-15 pounds? I dunno. I'm pretty happy the way I am (minus the skin issues). If it comes off, it does. I've lost 250 pounds and I have to take a breath for a minute. Just a minute.

Also a couple of weeks ago, I applied to Oprah for Erich and I to appear on a show about couples makeovers. If I can get some new clothes and style advice then why not? And having Erich do it with me would be really sweet. He is the only one who has been here with me, in person, every day, every step. His support has meant the world to me and if I can share some of the attention with him then I will. Plus, our 10th wedding anniversary is coming up in the spring, when the show would likely air. And this is a man who has "work" t-shirts and "dress" t-shirts. He could use some makeover help, too. LOL! We haven't heard a thing yet and I don't have my hopes up. But we'll see, right? It's like the lottery. If you don't play, your chances of winning are zero instead of just a long-shot.

Here's hoping for a trip to Chicago in the winter. LOL!

Who's that girl?

Have you ever looked at a photo of yourself and thought "Is that me??" Usually this happens to people as they gain weight and often serves as a wake-up call to finally get healthy again. But for me, it's happening as I lose weight.

I've always been heavy so I have no real reference point for me as a 'thin' person. I'm still not thin, but certainly look much more normal than I ever have in my life. I have friends who shy away from having their pictures taken because they feel they look 'fat' or whatever. I never understood that too well because most of the time, these people were much less than half my size! LOL! I never minded having my picture taken. I suppose I was resigned to the fact that hey - this is how I look so I need to just move the hell on and not be silly about it. I'm very much a "picture person" so there are photos of me and my family and friends all over my home. Doesn't bother me a bit. The only time a picture has ever really bothered me was the one from Christmas 2008, but by that time I'd already put things in motion to have the surgery. So it wasn't the catalyst for change, just reassurance that I was doing the right thing.

I've said before about how Halloween is my thing. I LOVE it - it's my favorite holiday by far. Yes, even more so than Christmas. I love the time of year and all things scary so it wins. This year I wanted to do something different with my costume so I added a wig. Now, I've always had a huge head. LOL! Wigs, hats - I couldn't find stuff like that to fit me. Have I even lost weight on my head?? Soooo weird, but maybe!

Erich and I went over to his mom's place for trick-or-treat like always, and like always, we took some pictures. At the last minute, I decided to take my glasses off for the photos. So when I saw the finished shots, I was a little stunned. Is that me? No...no way. THAT'S ME????



Seriously? That's me? Not to sound arrogant but I think I look pretty good there! If I didn't know that was me, I would see that picture and say "that's not a bad-looking chick". It feels very awkward and odd to even think that way about myself, not to mention say it out loud. I've never felt I was pretty. I sort of still have this notion that if I think it, feel it or say it, someone will come along and put me in my place - remind me that I'm fat and ugly. I guess I still see myself that way to a large extent or I wouldn't feel so 'unentitled' (is that a word?) to like the way I look.

I have stared at that picture for a week. Maybe I'm trying to get my brain to understand that it's really me? I don't know.

People tell me I look wonderful all the time. And I so appreciate it - it's a wonderful to have acknowledgment for what I've accomplished. But people will say that when you lose 250 pounds, right? It doesn't mean I'm pretty now! But that woman in the picture - I think she's ok looking. I don't look anything like that every day, certainly. Maybe I should go goth?? Dye my hair jet black, wear dark eye makeup and get contacts?? LOL! I don't think I could stick something in my eye, though. I've always wanted lasik eye surgery!

The Halloween pictures are some of the first from this whole journey where I look at them and don't see me. That's a really weird thing, let me tell you. I can still see Cindy in all the other photos that have been taken of me. I'm there, just much thinner. But that woman in the Halloween pictures, that is not the woman I think I am. I had no idea I could look that way. It's a reminder that I really need to work on having my brain and my body catch up to one another.

Here's one of Erich and myself plus a before-and-after shot of the past three Halloweens: 2008, 2009 and 2010:





I have been so busy lately and there is so much to write about! My little notebook where I jot down blog ideas is looking cluttered. So look for a few more blogs this week, unless life gets in the way.