Oh, Jillian....

In the age of celebrity worship, it's only natural that some folks in our society look to movie stars and musicians when thinking about embarking on a weight-loss journey. I make no secret of the attention I give when famous bariatric-surgery patients such as Carnie Wilson or Star Jones speak out. Spokespeople from Jennifer Hudson and Valerie Bertinelli to Marie Osmond and Charles Barkley have made a second career out of endorsement deals with the programs that helped them to shed pounds. Reality shows create superstars out of personal trainers like Jillian Michaels and Bob Harper, and at least some fleeting fame for the contestants. Nothing wrong with that and nothing wrong with looking to these people for inspiration. I say, find it in whomever - or whatever - works for you.

But celebrities do, in my opinion, have a certain responsibility to know what the hell they're talking about.

Recently, on Jillian Michaels' You Tube series "Daily Dose" a caller asked her what she thought about lap-band surgery. This kind of led to a long oration against all wight-loss surgery (WLS), which she described as "dangerous, very dangerous" and "barbaric". You can imagine how this is setting with the vast majority of bariatric patients. Check it out for yourself:



She does say some things that are kind of true - there are risks associated with WLS - with ANY major surgery - and there are possibilities of complications like dumping. But honestly, she's being very, VERY dramatic. I had a pretty emotional reaction to this video when I first watched it. It made me cry with sadness. What elicits such a strong response from me is thinking about someone who thinks they have finally found a solution to obesity. They've tried everything (yeah, Jillian, they've counted calories) and failed over and over again. They are in the middle (or end) of the pre-screening process and are excited to start their new life, although yeah, they're probably scared, too. So they watch this video and get freaked out. Maybe they cancel the surgery and spend a few days in a bag of Doritos because Jillian says they should be able to lose weight without surgery but they still feel like they can't. Maybe they get a little depressed and self-esteem plummets further. You see where I'm going with this?

Of course, maybe she inspires someone to try to lose weight "on their own" one last time and they succeed. If so, good for them.

Here's the thing. People look up to her and she needs to get her facts straight before she spouts off very generalized statements about a specific surgery. Ranting about worst-case scenarios is not cool. You risk a whole lot more being morbidly obese than you do having this surgery. According to the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive & Kidney Disease (NIDDK), less than 1% of all cases of bariatric surgery result in death. Complications are rare and as I've said before - most of the more "common" complications like malnutrition and dumping can be avoided simply by being a good patient and doing what you're told.

My husband watched this video with me and made a good point, which I was already considering before he said it: Jillian's worried about her bottom line. Speaking out against WLS and using fear to keep people away from it could potentially benefit her pocketbook. She could be under the mistaken notion that WLS patients don't buy her books or exercise videos. She would be wrong about that, of course. Again....WLS isn't a magic wand and you have to exercise and eat right to both lose the weight and keep it off. However, you can bet your ass that after watching this video, I won't buy another single thing she has for sale. Ever.

The National Institute of Health now considers WLS the only permanent treatment for morbid obesity. I've written in the past about the many years, tears and dollars I've spent trying to achieve and maintain a healthy weight. It's not that I failed, I just didn't find what worked for me. Every "diet plan" will work if you work it - you just have to find one you can live with. WLS has worked (so far) for me.

While researching some stats for this blog, I found a very cool graphic from the American Society for Metabolic and Bariatric Surgery
website. This is what WLS can do for you (click to enlarge):


As someone who supposedly makes a living attempting to help people discover a healthier lifestyle, shame on Jillian Michaels for trying to steer people away from a very safe procedure that saves lives every single day.

Surprises

One of the questions I'm asked most is what about my surgery and/or weight-loss journey has been the most surprising or unexpected?

I'm almost three years out (OMG!) and I can tell you the surprises keep coming. Or maybe it's just that I am still not used to my "new" body. For example, it is still odd to me that I can wear a size x-large or even a large with regularity. I shop in the "regular" sections of stores now, but sometimes I still shake my head when I try something on and it looks good (or at least passable) on me.

The new trend of maxi-length dresses almost passed me by. I have always been of the mindset that long dresses make me look like a box. I had no real discernible curves, so put me in anything long and I look sorta like a coffin. Not really a great style. Dresses were never a part of my wardrobe at all till I married Erich and moved to Canada. His mother, who made a lot of my clothes because I couldn't find anything here that would fit me, began making me skirts and dresses. I didn't know any women who routinely wore these..."things"...but she kept making them for me. So I kind of felt obligated to wear them. She made a black floor-length skirt for me and I wore it to my stepdaughter Ericha's confirmation in 2002:



I look like I have no bottom half. I'm just one big blob. Very Jabba the Hut-like. At least with pants, I had legs. LOL! This is why I never wore dresses, especially long ones. And yes, I was carrying a cane - at age 32.

I was in Old Navy recently and maxi dresses were everywhere. I decided to try one on and hey...I don't look too bad in this! I look tall and thin. What a revelation. Then I remembered that I already DO have a maxi dress, and I wore it last year during our trip to the Dominican Republic (click this one to enlarge):



So I forget sometimes and am still surprised.

Just the other day, I started to run a bath and left the room for a moment....then I ran back in to stop the water so I could still have room to get in the damn thing and not overflow it. When I stepped inside, it was half full. Ooops. Yeah, right. More water.

I still occasionally check furniture before I sit on it to be sure it will hold me. If it looks rickety, I stop and a moment of panic flashes before I remember that it's ok.

Other surprises along the way:
- How quickly that pouch fills up when you're newly post-op. Pay attention!
- Less laundry because of smaller clothes.
- I can go away for at least four days with a carry-on-sized suitcase.
- Water rushes by my hips in the tub now. My ass is no longer a dam.
- Clothes in general are FAR less expensive.
- The lack of problems and complications I've had. I've been lucky.
- My feet shrank 2 sizes; my fingers 5 sizes; my bra, 5 band sizes (48 to 38)
- I can no longer open doors by simply leaning against them.
- I look all right with short hair.
- The excess skin thing SUCKS.
- Everything that used to be oily is now dry: Hair, skin, nails, etc.
- I've become cold-natured. I rarely sweat anymore. I *glisten*
- Activity is thoughtless
- Pain is not normal. Now when my back or knees ache, it really bothers me!
- My apparent ability to inspire others. Unexpected and humbling.
- I can change. I can adapt. I can do things I never thought possible.

I could sit here all night and think of a lot more things but that's the gist off the top of my head. This journey is a long and winding road. There really is no end to it; you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and embrace the next surprise around the corner. Good or bad, I promise there's a lesson to be learned.

Re-gain, re-surgery?

Carnie Wilson has been in the news this week because she revealed that in January, she had a second bariatric procedure.

Carnie made headlines back in 1999 when she had Roux-en-Y gastric bypass surgery (the same procedure I had). Because of her openness regarding her journey, a lot of people were encouraged to go the same route she did and get the surgery themselves.

And now, 13 years later, she is dealing with her regain by having a lap band placed over her gastric pouch. And I say good for her.

The backlash to this latest surgery is very sad to me. Comments range from "get your lazy a** to a gym" to "how about putting the fork down and walking away" and "she took the easy way out again".

Once again..............people just. Don't. Get it. This is not about someone who needs to lose 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. It's not someone whose life would be awesome if she could just put down a second slice of pizza so she could get rid of the last stubborn 15 pounds of baby weight. We are not normal. It's a day-by-day fight not to slip down the rabbit hole and it's NOT the same as most people saying no to a doughnut at the office meeting. It's not the same. It's not the same. Lather, rinse, repeat.

While I feel for anyone who needs to lose weight (even 10 pounds isn't easy, trust me, I get that), the psyche of those of us who let it get to the point where we feel re-arranging our guts is the only answer to survival is just different. We think about food differently and need different levels of help dealing with it. I, personally, applaud her courage in not only concluding that she deserved and needed ongoing assistance in dealing with her addiction, but also her willingness to share it publicly absolutely knowing the terrible backlash that would be associated with her choice. To have bariatric surgery once is a controversy; to have it twice is unthinkable to those who haven't walked in her shoes.

Chronic food addiction is an incurable disease of the mind. It never goes away. Just like a supposedly "reformed" smoker may need several shots to get it right, an obese person needs the same sort of compassion and understanding. Rock stars go to rehab for drug and alcohol addition several times - what Carnie is doing is not much different. She is dealing with her addiction the best way she knows how in a way that works for her. And it is working...apparently she has lost 30 pounds since having the procedure.

GOOD FOR HER.

Her story is also a much-needed reminder that surgery is not a cure for obesity. There is always a chance of regaining some or all of the weight loss. I personally know someone who has had two procedures: a lap band many years ago and recently, a gastric bypass. Regain after surgery is particularly difficult. You think to yourself that if you fail after surgery, maybe you cannot succeed at anything. Some people who regain simply resign themselves to failure - at more than maintenance. So again, I applaud anyone who takes the bull by the horns and "regains" control of their lives. By any means necessary.

Kinda brings new meaning to that old sappy song, right?

The secret under our clothes

Good grief, it's been a while.

So did any of you watch TLC's The Real Skinny last Monday? I didn't watch till this weekend, but man...it was like watching me.

We follow two post-ops on their final journey to "normal" - the removal of the excess skin that oftentimes comes with massive weight loss. Sarah is 28 and was once almost 400 pounds. Chris is 41 and started out at 424. They have both reached a normal weight, but deal with the aftermath of what they did to their bodies every day when they look into the mirror.

They both get the dream procedure for most post-ops: The 360 circumferential body lift. YOWZA!!! If I ever win the lottery, this is the one. As their surgeon, Dr. J. Timothy Katzen, described, it's sort of like "cutting someone in half and putting them back together."

Sarah's story was especially poignant to me, since we look very similar naked. I know it's not what a lot of you want to hear, especially those just starting out, but it's the truth. It's the "secret under my clothes", as Chris said that people who have gone through massive weight loss - whether surgical or "natural" - hide every single day. Hide it from everyone but themselves, that is.

It's very difficult to explain how painful it is, psychologically, to be successful with your battle against obesity yet not to feel like you've completed the transformation because you are still ashamed of the way you look. It's hard to explain that to people who are not in the same boat. They think you're crazy. You should just be happy that you've lost all the weight and to them, you look great! Of course, they don't see you naked, right?

Sarah explained her daily routine stuffing her stomach skin down into her jeans. Of lifting the skin to wash underneath it; using powder to keep it dry and diaper rash ointment to soothe the inevitable rashes that occur (I have both in my bathroom right now). Of feeling it jerk and jiggle all over the place when you run. Chris talked about how it smacks him when he does jumping jacks or "hits the ground first" when he does a push-up. All of this is true, and the great majority of post-ops quietly deal with it every day.

It's worth mentioning that I never had these issues with my fat. It's the skin that's the problem. So that's the demoralizing part. You think the physical challenges of your life will be over when you lose weight. You think you'll be bursting to get into a bikini or wear shorts and halter tops. You think life will be normal, and it's not. It's still not. And that is heartbreaking for a lot of people. Sarah's first words in the recovery room were "Am I skinny yet?" This from someone who has lost more than 200 pounds.

Now I'm not about to sit here and tell you I cry into my Crystal Light every day about this. I don't. I am so grateful to have accomplished everything I have so far. I'm proud of myself and hey....I do look pretty damn good (with clothes on, anyway). But the excess skin does suck. It affects the way I shop, it affects the way I see myself and reminds me of what I let myself become. Of what I did to myself and my body. That hurts a lot. This is what I did to myself. It's my punishment for how I behaved for most of my life. Sarah said as much during the show and that's similar to how I feel, too.

Lately I have felt myself backsliding into bad habits that I know I need to get a grip on. I've had some regain this winter but the scale is starting to move back down. I know how to do this. Another reminder that I will never be done. That's ok; I just need to always remember it and not just when it's convenient for me. I made a promise to you all and to myself - in this blog - that I would never be one of those people who says "Before I knew what happened, I'd gained 50 pounds." So I need to get it together before that happens. Don't worry, we're not even close to that number! And we never will be!

One more thing then I'll stop: Those Weight Watchers commercials with Jennifer Hudson screeching in them grate on my nerves. Tired of it! Moving on....

Judgment nation

I've had a pretty crazy week, so I'm just going to get right to it and talk about a few things out in the news last week, things I have definite opinions on and feel need to be addressed.

The British singer Adele appears on the cover of current issue of "Vogue" magazine. The article is wonderful and makes no mention of her figure. Adele herself has been quoted as saying she "makes music for ears, not eyes." Well, let your eyes get a load of this (click to enlarge):



Obviously, this has created a lot of controversy. Why would they so obviously Photoshop her body in that way? I don't have an issue with them perfecting her skin or whatever, but making her body look like Jessica Rabbit is not cool. She's gorgeous just the way she is. What kind of message does this send to young girls? You can have the voice of an angel, be beautiful to look at, honored for your outstanding work by your peers but....but really, we still want you to look like a Barbie doll. Crazy, crazy stuff. Totally wrong and dangerous.

The other story that caught my attention last week was an interview Star Jones did with Matt Lauer on the Today Show. I believe this is the first time Star has really opened up about her gastric bypass surgery and resulting 160-pound weight loss.



Star begins the interview by declaring "“I was definitely a food addict. My entire adult life I had been overweight. I wasn’t fluffy. I wasn’t full figured. I wasn’t plus-sized. I was morbidly obese.” She goes on to explain her decision to keep the surgery a secret - she had made so much of her life public, some fans were understandably upset when learning how she launched her weight-loss success story. And she gets that. She basically just said she wasn't ready.

Honestly, I totally understand why so many people choose to hide it. There's a large stigma, even today but even more so in 2003, attached to having this surgery. I'm not sure what the difference would be between someone who uses surgery to help them lose weight and someone who uses a nicotine patch to help them quit smoking. Would you tell the reformed smoker that they "took the easy way out" or didn't "do it on their own" simply because they didn't go cold turkey? Whatever works, people. This is a matter of life and death. The stigma really has to stop.

Star says she attributes about 100 pounds of loss directly to the surgery; the rest was just hard work. She's so right about that. You will lose weight at first but it's up to you to eat right and get your ass to the gym to go the distance and lose all you need to then keep it off.

Then we had the sad and tragic news of Whitney Houston's death. I learned this from a dear friend while at a dinner party in Nashville (more on that later!) and needless to say, I was stunned. She was a big part of my teenage years and beyond, her beautiful voice weaving its way into precious memories of my youth. We still don't know for sure what killed her but boy, the opinions are pretty narrow. It had to be a drug overdose, right? And should we be honoring her (with either half-mast flags or non-stop press coverage) when she was just a drug addict anyway?

How sad. How sad that we can't just remember her for the wonderful memories she brought to our lives. Even if you have never bought a Whitney Houston CD in your life, surely (especially if you're American) you remember her unparalleled rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner at the 1991 Super Bowl. Do you remember who was playing? Who won? Probably not. But you remember this:



For the record, I don't think the flags in New Jersey should be at half mast. But not because she was "just a drug addict singer". I don't think it should've been done for Frank Sinatra, either - but it was. That honor should be reserved for fallen soldiers, presidents, etc.

The sad parallel between these three seemingly unrelated stories? Our expectations of other people and the way we so harshly judge them when we know nothing about them or the struggles they go through. Adele is judged for her body, not her voice. Star for her obesity and the method she chose to save her own life, and not her intellect. Whitney for her illness of addiction and not her fantastic talent. Society places such unrealistic expectations of perfection on people, especially women.

I propose that we all give each other a break. Just a thought.

A tale of two dresses

Well one, really. One dress, two bodies.

Most women I know long for the days when they were thin enough to fit into their wedding gowns. I am not one of those women.

Oftentimes, that's when we look our absolute best. We diet and kill ourselves to fit into this tiny, white dress so we look perfect for 24 hours and have the photographs to prove it. Then the business of actually being married sets in (kids, frantic schedules, bills, stress) and the weight is gained back and then some. This is the normal routine in most women's lives.

I started thinking about my own wedding gown a while back, as our 10th anniversary approached. We talked about possibly renewing our vows and joked about altering my gown so I could wear it on my new body.

Recently I was reading Redbook, one of my favorite magazines, and it seems they are featuring an ongoing story about women who want to fit back into their wedding gowns. It's called the Wedding Dress Challenge. The piece will follow 13 women on their quest to squeeze back into that frilly white dress. By the way, there are some great diet and exercise tips in that link - I urge you to check it out. So reading that got me to thinking: I hope I never fit into my wedding dress again!

There's a show on TLC called Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss which features plus-sized brides looking for the perfect dress. I watched several episodes of it last weekend and again found myself thinking about my own quest for the dress as what's termed a "supersize" plus-sized bride-to-be and how my gown would fit me today.

You know what happened next. I dragged it out of the closet and handed Erich a camera.

Holy shit.

So this is Erich, my brother-in-law and me 10 years ago at my wedding. We don't have very good photographs from that day, I'm sorry to say. No photographer or anything, just family snapping pics. It's my biggest regret from that day. Always, always hire a photographer. Borrow the money if you have to (click to enlarge).



And this is that same dress on me, last night:





The first thing that struck me was how long it was. I felt like a little girl playing dress-up. So yeah. I hope I never, ever fit into that dress again. It must also be said that I had it custom made, so it fit me well at the time. I mean, there was no way I could go into a bridal salon and pick out a dress; it just wasn't going to happen. When I was watching Big Bliss, there was one bride who was bigger than a size 32 and they just didn't know what the hell to do because that's where the sizes stopped. I would've been screwed as well and I knew it. I never set foot inside a dress shop, I had one made for me. Crazy, huh?

Seriously, if I can do this you can, too. You can. You are stronger than you think you are!

My 600-lb Life on TLC

I am inspired by others' weight-loss success stories, so I often watch television shows featuring diet, exercise and healthy living. I've written extensively about my personal need for broadcast motivation. I see others succeeding and it makes me think I can do it, too.

So I was very anxious to watch a new short-run series on TLC called "My 600-lb Life". It's a four-episode series that follows a different person each night on his or her weight-loss journey via gastric bypass. Each patient begins weighing at least 600 pounds. It premiered Wednesday night and featured Melissa, a woman from Ohio, living in Texas, who started out weighing in at 653 pounds.

In one of my first blog entries, before my surgery, I said "...before it gets to the point where I need assistance in walking across the floor, I have to do THIS so I never find TLC knocking at my door wanting to do a special on the shut-in. No, never, not me." It was a serious fear of mine. I could feel myself falling down the rabbit hole and knew something drastic had to be done. At my highest weight, I was hovering around 500 pounds.

Melissa can still walk but it's not easy. She requires assistance to do the most basic of things, intimate tasks which she embarrassingly talks briefly about later in the broadcast. Her husband is her lifeline. He is more caretaker and nursemaid than lover or partner. This was also a big fear of mine...I did not want to put Erich in this situation. Ever. I could see it coming like the light on a locomotive still far away but barreling down on me, fast. And me, standing in the darkness in the middle of the tracks, terrified but knowing I needed to swerve or die.

In one of the first scenes, Melissa is on a scooter in a grocery store - because she cannot walk around long enough to shop - and people are staring; one man makes a smart remark and she cries. Again...I could see this coming at me. I could see this being my life. I resisted the scooter in stores and walked through the pain, in agony and red-faced, sweating in January, because I didn't want the scrutiny. There are so many things that resonated with me in the two hours of this show that I can't write about all of them or we'd be here all day long.

It seems she got much the same after-care advice I did: Protein, protein, protein. Limit refined carbs and sugar, especially at first. They follow her through seven years of ups and downs. It's quite a journey.

She had two skin-removal surgeries, one of which removed 60 pounds and another that took off 30. And she still had some loose skin issues. Kind of makes mine seem trivial in comparison. It seems she didn't experience many complications from the gastric bypass beyond initial nausea (same with me). However, complications arose after the second surgery but mainly because she wasn't eating properly and became malnourished. I've said it over and over...patient compliance is KEY to success with any surgery, including gastric bypass.

Two major things I want to say about the show: A big plus: The relationship with her husband is explored quite a bit and I was glad to see that. Her husband had problems adjusting to this new woman who wanted to do things for herself now, who wanted to get out and enjoy her new life. I've also written about the minefield that can be a post-weight-loss marriage/partnership. People get accustomed to living a certain way and when that gets turned upside down, it can be a lot to handle. Your partner MUST get on board with it or be pushed overboard. It's that simple. Please, please, please do not hold yourself back. Have some sympathy for the fact they will also need time to adjust, but not at the expense of yourself and your success. I question Melissa's decision to have a child with her husband and stay with him through his treatment of her. When she discovers his infidelity, her response is "well, at 600 pounds what do you expect?" You expect RESPECT. Kindness and loyalty. It's so sad how a person's self-esteem will make them react to pain inflicted upon them. They think they deserve it. Very sad. It's not about the 600 pounds. It's about his character, which he proves to her again and again. Yet she still stays.

A big minus: In the whole two-hour episode - which, as I said, follows her over the course of seven years - we never see Melissa at a gym. Not working out to an exercise DVD, nothing. I fear this will perpetuate the myth that she simply hopped onto an operating table and lost nearly 500 pounds. She alludes to this way of thinking and debunks it, but still. I kept waiting for the sweat and never saw any. HUGE fail, in my opinion. You have to work at weight loss, no matter what the method is. Yes, you will lose weight with gastric bypass no matter what you do in the first few months. But you won't continue that loss or maintain it without either hard work the healthy way or transferring your food addiction to other damaging behaviors like anorexia.

After her weight loss, Melissa found work as a patient liaison at the bariatric clinic at which she had her surgery. It was her job to talk to patients pre-op and get them ready for the journey ahead. She led group discussions and private meetings; they even showed her going into peoples' homes and guiding them on what foods to eat. THIS is what I want to do. I've known it for a long time. To help people on their way to a new life would be the ultimate dream job. I'd said to myself this was one of my new year's resolutions - to find work like this. There's a clinic about 30 minutes away from me and that's where I'll start. Somehow! I don't know the first thing about the place - never even been there - but I need to take some baby steps towards this new goal and make it happen.

The show re-airs on Monday at 9 (EST) and a new episode, with a new patient, airs Wednesday night. I have so much more to say about the show but this blog is long enough. Besides, I'm sure I'll be writing more about the new episode and each one after that.

A thousand words

When Erich and I first got married, I insisted that we begin a tradition of having yearly family portraits taken with my stepdaughter, Ericha. My family and friends were very far away and when I sent Christmas cards, I wanted a nice update to include along with it. Ericha's birthday is in early November so we would always schedule a session around that time in order to get a nice shot of her, alone, and have the prints back in time to send in our Christmas cards. I was also eager to start some traditions for Ericha and indeed, this was something she seemed to look forward to every year.

We stopped when she turned 18 in 2007. But last year, Erich and I talked about getting some professional portraits done for our 10th wedding anniversary. We didn't have any really nice photographs of us since my weight loss and it being a special occasion, we decided to revive the tradition and include Ericha in the session as well.

When I went to the pre-session consultation (this was big time, no usual Sears or Walmart portraits...LOL), the photographer wanted to know what kind of family we were. Casual, formal, playful, etc. I told her we were very casual. Just because this was a professional session, there would be no formal wear and no stuffy poses. I told her my husband's hair was shoulder length and my stepdaughter's was pink. Multiple tattoos and piercings all around. So you get the idea. She laughed and said "Wonderful!"

The photo session was interesting and fun. None of us had never posed for a pro before, so there was some trial and error as they hovered around us with light meters and gently persuaded us to move a hand, tilt a head, or put on a genuine smile.

The results were more than I could've hoped for. The photo on the left below is the one from our first family portrait, in 2002. The one on the right is from the latest session (click to enlarge).



After showing this before-and-after to someone just the other day, she asked me, in reference to the shot on the right, "Did you ever think you would look like that? Or could look like that?" No. Absolutely not! I suppose I do so many of these before-and-after things because the change doesn't hit me too much when I look in the mirror. I need to see it with my own eyes laid out before me, then I get it. And it helps! It's motivating and makes me understand all the hard work I've done and how I never want to go back.

Motivation for maintenance is key. You have to do what works for you, whatever it is that makes you get up and go to the gym, eat healthy at least most of the time, and love yourself enough for your accomplishment to GET IT. Look what you've done! It's amazing! But it ain't free. You have to work at it forever. But it's very important to take the time and be present in your mind to look at what you've done and what you CAN do.

Here's our 10th anniversary portrait. I can't say enough about my love for my husband. Partnership and support through this whole journey is of the utmost importance. And the best thing about him is this: He loved me just as much in that 2002 portrait as he does in this one. Just as much.

Coat tales

Before I lost weight, I would "joke" that I had to be the biggest person in Canada.

I couldn't find a single, solitary thing to wear in stores. Everyone - and I mean everyone - around was smaller than me; indeed, most people were a healthy, normal weight, but even those who were obese weren't as big as I was. The difference in the appearance of the population between my hometown in south-central Ohio and here was jarring to me, especially at first. Most of the time, I felt like a freak. I hadn't felt that to the same degree at home because there were a lot of people around who looked like me. Unfortunately.

When I arrived here 10 years ago, I complained that sizes in Walmart only went to 3X in clothes and size 10 in shoes. Plus-size specialty stores had sizes up to 4X. Seriously...what the hell was I going to do? My mother-in-law made a lot of my clothes and I did a lot of stocking up on trips home. That's how I avoided scaring folks by walking around naked.

My favorite line was "There are no fat people in Canada!" None like me, anyway!

Since losing weight, I have given away an entire wardrobe of clothes. I sold very little, preferring to give most of it to thrift stores and charities. However, I had some really nice coats that I couldn't see giving away. I mean, a size 4X leather trench coat and a never-worn size 6X parka....there has to be a market for that, right? Someone, somewhere would buy them. So I put them a lot of other offerings on our local Kijiji and figured I'd be rid of them within a few days. If I'd seen this stuff listed pre-op, I would've been jumping for joy, I reasoned. There has to be someone who is having a hard time finding a coat who will be really pleased to take one off my hands.

WRONG.

I first listed them last fall and got lots of responses right away so I was optimistic. But I quickly learned people don't understand the concept of these sizes. I had women show up to try on a size 5X jacket or coat who were clearly much smaller than that. As soon as some of them walked in, I knew. "What the hell are people thinking?" I would ask Erich. "You can't wear a 5X if you're clearly a 2 or 3X!" Every time someone came by, the coats were too big for them. Always.

I sold two out of 16 items.

After briefly considering giving them all away, I decided to keep four of the nicer, more expensive ones and gave the rest away because well, one of my old coats takes up the room of three or four in my new size. I needed the space. So this past fall, I re-listed the four. No hits. Not a single one!

Finally, this past weekend, someone emailed about the size 6X parka. Dude drove about 45 minutes to come try it on. He really wanted it. I handed it to him and his first words are "Whoa! It's big!" Well....yeah, it's a 6X. It's big. WTF? He tried it on. Too big.

Sigh.

After being told what I weighed pre-op, I've had people (here, in Ontario) say to me that they never would've thought I weighed that much. Maybe 250 pounds or something. That, to them, is the highest they can imagine someone weighing. By that I mean that they don't have a concept of what 450 pounds looks like so they can't imagine anyone weighing that much. I guess when you weigh 120 pounds, 250 seems enormous. So maybe that's what's going on with the coats, but in reverse. These people have no concept of a size 6X (because it doesn't exist much up here) but they know they're big; so they show up thinking they'll be able to wear it but can't. It's weird.

So now I don't know what the hell to do with these beautiful, wonderful coats. I know someone would love to have them but those people are certainly not in my area. I don't want to mess around with shipping so e-bay is out. Maybe I'll hang onto them till I go home and have my parents put them up for sale there.

Hm. Maybe I was right all along and I really WAS the biggest person in Canada! I'm kidding. I know I wasn't but I find this misconception of obesity and size by people around me strangely fascinating because I know there wouldn't be this issue in my area of Ohio.

If you know any plus or super plus-size people who need a winter coat, send them my way!

So you're considering bariatric surgery?

As I mentioned in my last blog, a friend of mine recently had gastric bypass surgery at a nearby hospital. He came through everything just fine, as expected. There is no doubt in my mind he will be successful - because he totally rocks - and I am so excited to bear witness to the wonderful journey on which he has embarked.

There are a few other friends of mine who are either considering surgery or completing preliminary programs and waiting on a surgery date. While no beacon of knowledge, I make myself available to those who have questions and concerns. I've been through this and like to think I can add something to the table. However, I also make it clear that my experience is mine alone. Everyone's is different and you should only do what you and your doctor feel is right for you.

Looking back through old posts recently, it occurs to me probably one of the most valuable things I can give to those who are searching for answers - beyond answering individual questions, which I'm happy to do - is direct them to the blogs I wrote surrounding my surgery date. Maybe start in late June, 2009 and continue on through July. My surgery date was July 7, 2009 and I wrote about the actual surgical procedure and its aftermath here.

Day one of my pre-op liquid diet, and a particular passage caught my eye:

Right now, I'm in a much better mood than I thought I'd be. I've been on the verge of tears a few times, but overall I'm ok. I'm hungry, but I'll live. The first day is always the worst. But what I'm doing now to overcome this lifelong, debilitating affliction is a small price to pay for living long enough to hear one more song; read one more book; feel one more hug or kiss - write one more word.

It'll be worth it.

This is something all bariatric patients, including myself, need to remember when the going gets tough. It's also true for those who haven't had the surgery. It's hard, it sucks some days, but it's all worth it in the end. I haven't spoken to anyone, personally, who wouldn't repeat the surgery and go through all the bullshit over again. I was very lucky and had very few physical side effects. Most of my issues were psychological and I still struggle with those.

Recovery from food addiction and obesity is a lifelong process, like recovery from anything else. There are times when I fall off the proverbial wagon and have to chase it down again, scrambling back on with both hands and holding on for dear life. If I don't, I'll end up right back where I started and I want to ride that wagon, baby! Take me far away from the behavior patters I made in the past, please. It's not easy or something that will ever be effortless, at least not for me. Choices are made each day to be healthy, to continue living. You'd think that would be effortless and a no-brainer but it's not. When your demons get a hold of you, they are difficult to eradicate.

There are also a couple links to the side of this blog I found helpful but I will also put them here for those who are interested. The woman who started the website from which they originated doesn't update anymore but she left everything up and it's a good read. After you get to these FAQ sections, I would suggest clicking around her site via the links on the top right of those pages:

FAQs for pre-ops

FAQs for post-ops

Again, her experience differs from mine and yours will likely be different from both of ours, but it's still worth checking out, in my opinion.

Good luck to everyone choosing a healthier lifestyle, whether it's through surgery or not. I'm here for you in any way I can be!