Clothes and compliments

One of the coolest things about losing weight is the new clothes! I've talked about some of the new stuff I've bought in the last couple months and some of you have asked to see actual pictures. It was a gorgeous day yesterday so Erich and I went outside and I put on a fashion show. It was kinda windy, so please forgive my rebellious hair. Click on each pic to enlarge.

1. Got this in Ohio when I was there last month shopping with my mom. I think this is my favorite new shirt.


2. This is the 3x gold t-shirt I blogged about last weekend! Hee!


3. Another one from Ohio. Empire waist and ruffled hem - I love this one, too.


4. My rock star t-shirt! LOL! I think it looks a little Freebird-ish, which, as a fan of Bo Bice, is a major, major plus.


Rock on, bitches! Peace out!


5. Love the buckle and asymetrical neckline. I think it's interesting.


6. Cute little top. :)


So there are my purchases for the past month or so. Plus my mother-in-law has altered a bunch of my old clothes so I'm doing ok. Freecycle is a wonderful thing as well. I have a great big bag of smaller clothes just waiting for me that we got from a lady who has also had gastric bypass and is nearly at her goal. All for free - she offered them on Freecycle and we snapped them up! Everything from size 16 shorts to 3x tops. Yay Freecycle!

I'm not used to getting compliments from people about the way I look. It happens more and more these days and I'm really trying to learn to just say 'thank you' and take it sincerely. I think a lot of women have that issue. Someone tells us we look nice or whatever and we try to brush it off or come back with some smart-aleck remark lest the person think we actually think we're attractive!

Several days ago, a woman in my office who works less than part time told me I looked great. She doesn't see me that often, so she was really impressed, she said. She complimented my figure, my skin and told me I was 'glowing'. Wow! My first gut reaction was to laugh because what? Me? As I said, I'm not used to this. It's a learning process to accept statements like that. It took a few seconds before I stopped and just said 'thank you!'

I remember Oprah Winfrey talking about this once on her show and how she used to struggle with compliments, too, especially about her looks. Then shortly after that she had John Travolta on. They were at a gym working out. Oprah made some cutting remark about her own body and John very sweetly and sincerely told her she was beautiful and had a wonderful body. She laughed at first then you could almost see her stop herself, make herself look at him pointedly and say 'Thank you, John. Thank you.' And he said 'you're welcome'.

When you've been ridiculed about your looks for so long, it's hard to accept that someone is being truthful when they say something like that. We learn to detect scorn, even when it's wrapped up in pretty words via sarcasm - all of us have experienced that, especially us fat girls. We develop a defense mechanism of laughing it off, going along with the joke that is us in a vain attempt to avoid being hurt.

I saw screw that. When someone pays you a compliment, accept it. Accept yourself! I'll work on it if you will.

Busy few days

So here's what I've accomplished so far this week.

- Been to the pool twice. I love the water so much I can't even tell you. If I ever won the lottery, I would install a heated, indoor swimming pool in my brand-new 5000-sq.-ft. house. And yes, I'd hire a pool boy for the upkeep. Pool boy. Heh.

One thing that annoys me about the pool is the way some people bring their kids to the 9 p.m. adult swim. Hello? It's an adult swim? I go at 9 p.m. to avoid the nursery school parade of yardapes screeching their heads off and/or laughing at the fat lady in the pool. Get a clue, get a life, get a babysitter. /rant

- Went through my shoes and tossed out about 6 pairs. Yes, my feet are shrinking. At one time, I wore a size 12 - pre-op, I was into an 11, mostly 11 wides. I no longer need the wides at all and actually, I need 10-1/2. Did you know a 10-1/2 is about as easy to find as a virgin in a whorehouse? In any event, my big goal this fall/winter is to buy some boots. Something as easy as that isn't easy for me. I haven't found a pair of boots that fit around my calves for, oh, about 20 years? There was fringe involved so it was likely during a Bon Jovi faze. Yes, I know they make wide-calf boots. No, they're not wide enough. But we shall see.

- Tried on most of the jewelry in my jewelry chest. All of my rings are too big, even my wedding set. I almost lost it in the pool last night so I took it off. However, I do have some that were once reserved for my pinky that now fit my ring finger well. I searched high and low for watches and bracelets that would fit and now they're falling off. My Italian-charm-style Bo Bice watch is handy for me. I've taken two charms out of it so it fits better. My necklaces are too big! I have never been able to wear the chains that come with most charms - really, they're more suitable for Malibu Barbie than real women. So I have a lot of longer chains. Now, none of them hit me where they used to and they look weird with my many v-neck shirts.

- I found a liquid multivitamin. The Centrum just wasn't going down well, even one half at a time. So I went to GNC and the verrrry cute little salesguy directed me towards Maxion Nutrition's Max Multi. It's a really big bottle of citrus-flavored liquid and a complete multivitamin. Not cheap, but I have to have it. A one-ounce shot beats the hell out of chewable crap. It's not awful by itself, but I chase it with some Crystal Light tea and it's all good. I hung onto the Centrum and will give it a go in another couple months' time.

- Did not go on a shooting rampage in my office. Talk about self control!! Quite an accomplishment, all things considered.

- Had fish and mac & cheese for lunch today. Huzzah!! Almost like a real-person meal! I was excited, lemme tell ya. It went down great, no problems. I'm a happy girl.

- Picked up a bunch of clothes from my mother-in-law. She is a seamstress and I am sooo lucky to have her to alter things for me. She knows my measurements better than anyone and she is astonished at my new figure. I go over for fittings and she mutters to herself in Hungarian, shaking her head. Sometimes Zsa Zsa Gabor-accented English comes out: "It's unbelievable...it's unbelievable..." She cracks me up. Says things like "You are normal person!" "You have a vaist now!" "Ohhhh, dah-ling...look at you!" I love her to pieces.

So that's about it. Life is plugging along. I'm not losing weight like I think I should but it is what it is. Some days I struggle with the decision to have the surgery but then I'm reminded that because of it, I'm in the battle for good and I can't give up. Even if I wanted to. I've lost 111 lbs. total, 40 since my surgery on July 7.

Three is a magic number

Well, I went clothes shopping yesterday. Kinda by accident. You see, I was just going in to "look". Mm-hm. Isn't that usually how it goes?

Actually, I went in to see what kind of sweaters they had. Yes, you read that correctly. Any of you who know me personally know Cindy is never cold. Never. But lately, I am freezing my ever-shrinking ass off at work in the air conditioning. My arms and fingers are numb. I'm thinking of wearing those fingerless gloves kids sport at the McDonald's drive-thru in January. I have one sweater and it's so big on me that it looks like it was tailored to fit Andre' the Giant or something. So I need a new one.

I haven't been to Pennington's (kinda like Canadian Lane Bryant) for a long time and it's usually a frustrating experience. I go in fairly optimistic; after all, it's a plus-size store. Ok. So. I've mentioned my usual pre-op shopping experiences in previous blogs. I would take a few items of the biggest size they carry (6x) into the dressing room and maybe come out with one. Mostly none. Everything is too short or doesn't fit right. Especially the cool stuff.

Why is it that old-lady clothes seem to be made "bigger" than cool stuff?? You take a huge-flowery-patterned caftan like Mrs. Roper would wear and holy hell it fits (or is too big)! A super-cool, rock-star-worthy trendy blouse in the same size and I can't get it over my left boob. It's a little infuriating. But I digress.

So anyway...all the sweaters in that place were $50 (!!!). Um, no. Not even happening a little bit. However, they're having a sale on t-shirts. EEEEEE! As I said before, I'm a t-shirt girl. Comfy is my motto. Now, these are not Hanes-style t-shirts. They are 'dressy t-shirts' as my husband calls them. Nice. I'm immediately drawn to a gold one. Also, I notice my eyes zero in on the "6x" tabs at the tops of the hangers. It's automatic and out of habit. In the past, I wouldn't even look at a style that didn't have that little tab. No point, right? Well, yesterday I had to stop and tell myself not to focus on that as I was sure a 6x would be too big. I would start with the 5's. Yes. I'm still not confident enough to say off the top of my head 'Give me the 4x!' although I probably should be at this point.

I know by now most of you are freaked out that I'm rejoicing in the 4x when you can't even imagine ever being that big. Well, lemme tell ya, I have 7x's in my closet. Everything is made differently, but yes. I do. So the 4 is goooood. Very good.

I keep looking and find another totally super cool, amazing t-shirt! The kind of t-shirt that should be worn to a rock concert or something! WHOO-HOO! I have coveted this kind of shirt for years. They have a 5x! WHOO-HOO again! It's made very small (as expected) but maybe...just maybe I can get into it. I take it and the gold shirt into the dressing room.

The super-cool shirt fits perfectly. WHOO-HOO a third time!! I am so happy because this shirt wouldn't have covered said left boob six months ago, no matter what the size tag says. YAY!

The gold shirt, however, is wayyyy too big. Like, clownish. Holy crap. I ask the saleslady to get me a 4x. Um....wow! Too big. I cannot believe what I'm about to say: "Excuse me, but can you get me a 3?" Even the 3 is plenty roomy, especially at the top. I'm tempted to try on a 2 but decide not to push my luck. This shirt has to be big for its size but I don't give a shit. It's a 3x - I have to buy it!

So I leave with both shirts. I call Erich and squeal like a dork "I just bought a 3x shirt!!" LOL! I haven't had a 3x shirt since my early college days. I was probably about 20 years old or younger.

I'm a happy girl today! Let's hear it for three! YAY THREE!!

Bustin' a move

I rarely go walking without my mp3 player in tow. Unless it's 11 p.m. or something, I'm jamming as I move along.

Tonight, for example, I'm pretty sure I made an ass out of myself because I couldn't help but dance and sing along to this.



Ohhhhh, I love that song. And it always reminds me of my friend Lecia, who is one of my favorite people.

But my song rotation is feeling kinda tired. I need some fresh tunage! So my question is...what do you listen to when you work out? Or what would you like to hear if you did? LOL!

Here's a sample of what's already on my player - I don't have 10,000 songs or anything. I just load whatever I'm feeling at the moment. And no, I don't have an iPod. It's a regular run-of-the-mill player.

Kid Rock - Bawitdaba
Pink - Most Girls
Nickelback - Animals
Bo Bice - Got Money & Lonely Boy Blues
Seether - Remedy
Bon Jovi - We Got it Goin' On
Michael Jackson - Don't Stop Till You Get Enough
AC/DC - Whole Lotta Rosie
Commodores - Brick House
Pat Benatar - Heartbreaker
Disturbed - Down with the Sickness
Eddie Money - Shakin'
Fall Out Boy - This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race
Hot Action Cops - Feva for the Flava
Kanye West - Stronger
Lenny Kravitz - Are You Gonna Go My Way
Little Big Town - Bones
Downtown Money Wasters - Rest My Bones
Monster Magnet - Space Lord
Pitbull - Calle Ocho (I Know You Want Me)
Rednex - Cotton Eye Joe
Kris Bell - Livin' For Tomorrow
Rascall Flatts - Bob That Head
Robbie Williams - Rock DJ
Usher - Yeah
Keith Urban - I Told You So
Tom Petty - Last Dance with Mary Jane
Rob Zombie - More Human Than Human & Thunderkiss 65
Styx - Renegade
Pink, Mya, Lil Kim & Christina Aguilera - Lady Marmalade
Nazareth - Hair of the Dog
Ozzy Osbourne - Crazy Train
Garth Brooks - Ain't Goin' Down till the Sun Comes Up
Eminem - Lose Yourself
Britney Spears - If You Seek Amy
Pray for the Soul of Betty - Some of My Fucked Up World
Gary Nichols - Homegrown
Metallica - Enter Sandman

I know....I have a wide variety of music that I like. Strange bedfellows. LOL! Well, maybe that list gave some of you some ideas and maybe you can return the favor to me. Just gimme an uptempo song that will get the blood pumping.

I found the needles!

I grabbed the needles in the haystack and they didn't even hurt.

I've been looking for vitamins and supplements for a while now since the chewable ones they offer at Henry Ford's hospital pharmacy (Celebrate brand) are really gross and I was even starting to avoid taking them because I hated the taste so much. The calcium and multivitamin are really nasty, in my opinion - the iron and b-12 are fine, though.

There's a Yahoo message board for Canadian Henry Ford patients and a poster there mentioned that she started taking pills again about 6 weeks post op. Hmmm...that convinced me to give it a try and do away with the pill-crushing and nasty chewable thingys. But first I had to find some to take.

Well, it took three stores and a couple weeks but I did it! *happy dance* So here's what I found and where I found it. FYI for my Cdn. readers:

Multivitamin - Centrum Forte, found at drugstores anywhere. I got mine at Rexall Pharmacy.

Calcium - I chose to get a liquid calcium just because calcium pills are usually so huge. It's Life Brand (the house brand at Shopper's Drug Mart), 1000 mg. with 400 iu of vitamin D. We are required to take 500 mg. twice a day. This has 500 mg. per tablespoon (they say a dose is 2 tablespoons, but I half that), so that's what I take, at breakfast and dinner. It's blueberry flavored and much, much better than the Celebrate berries & cream chewable.

Iron - I was really freaking out over the iron choices I was seeing till I walked into Shopper's Drug Mart on Fairway Road Sunday morning. DING!!! Nature's Bounty Gentle Iron. 28 mg (almost the 30 we're supposed to take...I ain't quibbling) plus 60 mg. of vitamin c just like the Celebrate brand has. We need the vitamin c for absorption. It also has 8 mcg of b-12 and 400 mcg of folic acid. I was so happy when I found this I almost shrieked with delight in the vitamin aisle. Best part is there are 90 capsules per bottle and it's about 8 bucks. Schweeet!!!

B-12 - I still have some of my Celebrate b-12 sublinguals but I found these and got them anyway. I'll use up my Celebrate then move on to these. Swiss Natural Sources brand B-12 with Folic Acid has 1000 mcg of b-12 (which is ok, according to Annette, the nutritionist at Henry Ford) and 400 mcg of folic acid. Cherry flavored sublinguals - I got them at Rexall.

I also got some Swiss Natural Sources biotin at Bulk Barn. That stuff is nearly impossible to come by in a drugstore. One pharmacy asst. had no idea what I was talking about when I asked for it at a Rexall location. Biotin is a B vitamin that does lots of things, some of which include regulating blood sugar and strengthening hair and nails. I do not want to lose my hair, dude. I'm into prevention.

So I'm now taking all my pills, no crushing anymore. I split the multivitamin into fourths. It's pretty big and scary to me. All the rest, including my Zantac, Ursodiol and blood pressure medication I just swallow down. It's not always pleasant, but it's coming along. I eat, wait 30 mins. then start taking them about 5 mins. apart.

I'm still having problems with nausea. I didn't eat much for lunch today at all and was nauseated all afternoon. I got some organic caffeine-free teabags at Bulk Barn that are formulated for digestive issues and nausea. It's called Traditional Medicinals Eater's Digest herbal tea. I got off early today, came home and made some. It did help! I feel better now, actually a tad hungry. I'm going to keep some at work.

Thanks to all my readers out there! This blog helps me like you all have no idea.

Okay, part 2

It's a new day, I've had some sleep and I feel better. I've lost three more pounds since Tuesday, making it a total of 103. I'm not done and I need to woman up and get on with it. Whining isn't attractive - although I do think I'm entitled every now and then! Also, note to self: try not to blog when PMSing.

So this morning, I woke up and decided to try and maintain some discipline and perspective. I've already done a walk and am now sipping my pb&chocolate protein. I'll wait 30 mins., eat a tiny bit then head off to work. It's FRIDAY!

By the way, I did start back to work on Monday and things are the same there. LOL! It was nice to see everyone again. I do really like most, well really all, of my co-workers. Not many people can say that. At least my boss gave me a little project to work on that will let my creative juices flow a bit which breaks up the day nicely.

By the by...speaking of PMS...I went to Bulk Barn last weekend and while there got some Hershey's sugar-free chocolate caramel squares. I've had two of them so far and they are soooo good. There is no way you could tell they're sugar free. I figure a few of those every month might keep me sane. They also had Reese minis and mini Peppermint Patties, too. Just an FYI for my Canadian readers. Oh, and they also had 5-grain pancake mix, a staple needed in a lot of recipes from the Eggface blog (see link at left).

Tuesday's episode of Ruby had her shopping for a new personal trainer. Ruby and I are almost the exact same weight now (well, she's probably lost a bunch more since filming these episodes) and I'm also thinking I really need to get to a gym. I can't afford to hire a personal trainer, but I know I need someone to show me the steps I need to take to firm up as much as I can. I do not want to look like a shar-pei puppy if I can help it. Maybe I'll start looking around in the area next week. My brother-in-law belongs to a gym, but it is HUGE and co-ed....I might want to start at a smaller women's-only facility.

So that's it. I feel better this morning and I know this journey will be long and difficult. I also know why I did this - to be successful and get to a healthy weight for the first time since very early childhood.

Okay

I'm so sick of not being able to eat. I made two full racks of ribs tonight for dinner, with Jack Daniels bbq sauce. I had the racks in the freezer in the same pkg. so I had to make them together. Well, Erich is up to his ass in ribs because I took two bites and it all came right back up.

I'm really frustrated. I can eat pulled pork; but not ribs (both slow cooked and moistened with bbq sauce...makes NO sense). I can eat ground beef; but not a roast that's been in a crock pot all freakin' day (yet pulled pork is ok???). I can eat chicken thighs; but no other form of chicken, period. Broad noodles seem to work ok; not the elbow macaroni in mac & cheese. I can have high-fat regular pepperoni; but not the low-fat turkey Pepperettes (which I tried unsuccessfully to have for lunch today). Any sort of cheese seems good. And potatoes. Um...I can't live on chicken thighs, pulled pork, cheese and potatoes. GAH!! Dry cereal works....

Erich told me tonight that I was like a baby. I have to test every new food in the universe with no earthly idea if it will be palatable to me. True. And ridiculous. This is one of those days where I'm asking myself 'what have I done'???

I'm running out of supplements that I bought at the hospital when I was released. So I go to the pharmacy tonight to try and find suitable replacements. Again, ridiculous. Most of the time, I love living in Canada. I really do. But holy christ, there are no such things as over-the-counter iron supplements here?? What?? They were behind the pharmacy counter, only two types available, both totally unsuitable. Please don't email me telling me you found X iron at the whatever pharmacy in wherever, Ontario. I can't seem to find it HERE in Kitchener and that, to me, is a problem. I tried to order the iron supplement I'm on now since I don't mind the taste of it, but it was $20 to ship to Canada....for $10 vitamins. *pulls hair in frustration* I tried to find biotin. No one knew what the hell I was talking about. Ridiculous. It's like a treasure hunt up here trying to find everything I need, food-wise, supplement-wise, medicine-wise, everything-wise. Finding sugar-free food alone is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

This is twice now that me hugging the porcelain goddess after dinner has prevented me from going to the pool. I'm going to have to start eating a totally safe food on nights I plan to go there. I'm so pissed off right now. Today has been a helluva day.

I guess I'm afraid this will never friggin' end. I just seem to be having a lot of trouble. I hear people say 'yeah, I'm 3 months post-op and can eat pretty much anything I could before surgery just not as much' and I want to scream. I'm so afraid that my life now is resigned to this. It really sucks. Most days, I recognize things will most likely change but some days it's hard. It's super hard.

One bright spot is my dad emailed me the pictures from our family reunion. My parents desperately need a new digital camera. But I was glad to see the pics nevertheless.

Here's myself and Erich (click to enlarge):


I did go to the pool the other night, and I walked last night. I have finally reached my 100 lb. goal, too. So it's not all bad.

Ok, I'm done now. I'm going to bed.

But I don't wanna!

I've been super lazy this past week. I think I've walked once. Yeah, I know. I haven't lost any weight, either. But, as I said in my previous blog, I'm trying to look beyond that. I hope this isn't the plateau nurse Wanda talked to me about right before my surgery. That 100-lb. mark is so close yet so far. It'll come.

Maybe I just need to move my ass, ya think?

But, I don't wanna. Lazy! Just lazy. *sigh*

I was all set to go to the pool this past Thursday when my dinner (salmon and mashed potatoes) made me seriously ill. I felt liked warmed over poo all evening and into the next day so exercise was out. You ever tell yourself little white lies to convince yourself you really are exercising when you're not? I cleaned the house...that's exercise! I went shopping today...that's exercise! Well, bullshit. It ain't the same thing.

Well, it's 8:15 and so far, dinner is going down well so....I'm going to the pool. Come hell or high water. In fact, I'm writing about it here because it'll make me more likely to go. I know once I get in that water I will be so happy. I really love water. It's just getting me out the door that's hard. Not sure what's wrong with me, but my motivation for exercise is NADA lately.

And what am I having for dinner you ask? I guess I should preface that by saying, yep, it's 8 p.m. and I'm eating dinner. That whole 'don't eat after 6 p.m.' stuff is crap, IMO. When I lost all the pre-op weight, I simply ate when I was hungry no matter the time. Worked ok for me. And I'm lucky if I get dinner started by 7, let alone eat a full meal by 6. So whatever.

Tonight I made Supreme Pizza Bake from Susan Leach of bariatriceating.com. I looked for the recipe on her site but couldn't find it. This is from the book. I suppose if I get a notice from her lawyers, I can take it down. This is an advanced soft-food choice for post ops. I'm on stage 4 at this point.

2 cups marinara sauce (I used Classico roasted garlic & onion - no sugar!)
8 ounces lean Italian sausage (I used Johnston hot & spicy ground sausage. I got it at Zehr's.)
1/4 tsp. whole fennel seeds (I skipped this)
1/2 cup diced pepperoni
15 ounces ricotta cheese (I used light)
1 large egg
1/4 cup grated parmesan (I used a bit more)
1/2 cup roasted red peppers (I skipped these)
2 cups shredded mozzarella
1/4 tsp. crushed red pepper flakes
1/2 tsp. dried oregano

Preheat oven to 350

Pour half sauce into a 2-qt. casserole dish. Brown the sausage in a nonstick pan, mashing with a fork while cooking for a fine texture; blend in the fennel seed. Add the pepperoni and cook until fat is rendered, 2 to 4 min. Transfer the meat mixture to casserole dish using slotted spoon to drain fat (I just put the meat on paper towels to drain.) Blend ricotta with the egg and half the parmesan in a small bowl and spread evenly over the meat layer. Arrange the roasted red peppers on top and spoon on the remaining marinara. Evenly spread the shredded mozzarella and sprinkle with remaining parmesan, red pepper flakes and oregano.

Bake 30-35 min., until bubbling and hot in the center. Let sit for 10 mins. to cool before serving.

Lemme tell ya...this is almost as good as pizza. PIZZA!! Oh, I miss pizza. This is pretty good stuff, though. I think Erich will devour this when he gets home. Mission accomplished!

Ok, I'm off to the water!

Jordache jeans and bandana belts

I grew up in the '80s and when I was in junior high, the one thing in the world I coveted the most, except maybe David Breech, were Jordache jeans. Jordache, Calvin Klein...Nike tennis shoes. All things that I foolishly thought were out of reach simply because I couldn't fit into any of them. I didn't realize then that my dad probably wouldn't have given a rat's ass if I were a size zero - the pricetags would've prevented me from walking the halls in style.

Then there were the bandana belts. Oh, they were all the rage in Piketon, Ohio. You didn't go to the Dogwood Festival in 1983 without your RED bandana slithering through your belt loops and a pink feathered roach clip in your hair. I remember at first I couldn't figure it out...could girls be so small that a bandana actually FIT around their waists?? I folded one into a band and looked at it. Good lord. That wouldn't go even halfway around my waist! I considered being a trendsetter and wearing it around my Kmart-jeaned thigh like some of the boys did but decided not to risk the 'dyke!!' chants. What would David think?? (Like he gave a crap.) Hm. What to do? Well, I took out a needle and sewed two together. DING!

The funny thing is, I bet a lot of kids wondered how in the hell I got that thing around my waist! LOL!

What we will do to fit in, huh? I never got the designer jeans but I did manage Nike tennis shoes when I was in my late-20s when they were no longer trendy. Ironically, I hated the things and never wore them. I ended up giving them to my stepdaughter when she was in junior high - they still looked brand new. But she wanted Skechers. Ah well.

As I go through this whole process, I've been thinking a lot about that young girl who sewed bandanas together. She was pretty hard on herself. She had loads of friends, a great family and she was smart, funny, creative, loyal and kind. The boys didn't pay her much attention but that would come in time (damn David Breech anyway....).

Vanity causes us to forget what's inside sometimes. Especially when we're young and even as adults, too. Even myself, now - I try to stop focusing on the butterfly I long to become and concentrate on not forgetting the true beauty of the caterpillar I still am. Hopefully, with age comes perspective. It's a learning curve.

Is anyone watching that new dating show 'More to Love'? http://www.fox.com/moretolove/ I started watching it because I thought YEAH! It's about time there's a show about people who are not a size 0 finding love (or even lust). Because I'm here to tell you, there are MANY men out there who love big girls. After my divorce, I found a few of them. The man I married isn't one, but that makes it even better - he loves me for me and I know that. But I do understand the new thrill of being with a man who truly believes you are beautiful.

However....the bachelorettes on this show are disappointing. They seem soooo desperate, to the point of being slightly annoying. In a different way than regular dating shows. Anyone watching this show would think it was the normal experience for someone of size to be nearly 30 and never been kissed; that sort of thing that is so stereotypical but hasn't been my life at all. As a teenager, I went on dates; I went to my prom (3 of them actually); and I had boyfriends. Not a lot, but I did have a social life. It's irritating to see this show portray fat women as lepers. The bachelor, Luke, is also overweight but of course he is the prize here. He seems like a nice guy (and he really is CUTE!) but I dunno. Too much desperation coming from those chicks because of their appearance. Some of these girls think they are disgusting and I find that very sad. I'll have to see how the season goes.

My point here - and I do have one - is we totally focus on the outward way too much. No news there. I think it's very important for me to remember that I never have been 'disgusting' and neither is anyone else my size. What I have to say is far more important than how long my eyelashes are - so says Alanis Morrisette. And she's right. The numbers game - the ones on the scale, on the size tag - can be dangerous and damaging. I'm going to try and find the balance and I urge all of you to as well.

Life rewards

I've been noticing little things, small, sudden rewards that come with my weight loss. Mostly when I'm not even thinking about how much weight I've lost.

- I no longer need my seat belt extender in my car. I bought that car a decade ago when I still lived in Ohio. When I agreed to buy it, I told the salesguy: "I will need a seat belt extender; if I can't get one, then I can't buy the car." He assured me all I had to do was call a number to get it. So I bought the car. Called the number immediately - no extender available. Hooookay...so I called the salesguy up again, leaving a voicemail, and told him I was bringing the car back (you have 3 days to do that in Ohio - at least you did then) unless he could find me an extender. He called back in about 15 mins. and told me to come pick it up. Why he didn't do that in the beginning is beyond me. Anyway...I've needed that thing every single time I have driven or ridden in my car since then. I tried about a week ago to get the belt on without it and *click*! It's a tad tight, but it fits. I still use the extender because it's simply more comfortable, but I don't need it. When I got in my mom's car recently, I clicked the seat belt and she noticed. She said 'Hey! You can put the seat belt on!' LOL!

- Water rushes past my hips in the bathtub now. Which means my ass no longer functions as as a drain plug. I got in there several days ago and *whoosh*! I stared down at the sides of the tub and just smiled.

- According to Erich, I now have a neck. Now, some women might take that as a backhanded compliment. I'm like 'So I didn't have a neck before?' (I was teasing him...of course I didn't have a neck before!) He said 'It was hiding.' LMAO! He also says I'm "softer" now which he insists is a good thing but I think that probably means I need to get my ass to a gym or something.

- For fun, I decided to try on my winter coats/jackets. In July. Yeah, I know, but I was curious. Not a single one of them fit me anymore except an old leather trenchcoat I've had for about 15 years. It hasn't fit me in forever, but I couldn't bear to throw it away. A coat that my mother-in-law made for me is so big, I can almost get Erich into the damn thing with me. I'll definitely need a new coat this year.

- I don't snore anymore. Erich says he used to know I was still alive by the sound of my snoring from the bedroom when he'd mute the tv in the middle of the night after he came home from work. He was only half kidding. My sleep apnea was pretty harsh. I hated the damn CPAP machine though, and never wore it. Now he says he went to check on me one night because I was quiet for so long. I was fine, just not snoring. Evidently I do sometimes, but hardly ever and it's much quieter.

- I no longer take my diabetes medication. My dr. halved it right away after the surgery and I was keeping an eye on my glucose levels - well, they got so low that I decided to experiment with not taking the medicine at all. I've been fine ever since so I see no need to take it anymore. Of course, my dr. will make that final decision, but I have a feeling my days of Metformin and finger poking are over.

- A lot of people who have seen me in person lately remark on how good I look, apart from the weight loss. Even my skin tone is "glowing", according to a good friend. My eyes are brighter and I smile more. Well, I'm eating better, exercising and have lost nearly 100 lbs. so I guess that shows. It's good to hear :)

- I did go into work once since I've been off and plopped down in my chair for a moment. For the first time, my hips didn't touch the sides. I even said out loud 'Oh! I can fit in my chair better!' My boss just laughed.

I'm sure there are more that I'm not thinking of. Sometimes random thoughts occur to me, too. Like this morning, it dawned on me that I might be able to buy shirts off Cafe Press now! LOL! I know that's a silly thing to be happy about but I'm a big t-shirt person and I was always seeing cool things on there that I'd love to have. I do searches for 'graphic designer' or 'writer' and my lord, I could spend hundreds of dollars. I've bought the 5x sizes from them before and they were way too small. More like a small 4x. Well....I can wear a 4x now. Heh.

So there are lots of things happening for me, to me, now. I can only see one way to go - UP UP UP. ;-)

Approaching milestone

I've been gone for a few days - I went home to Ohio for our family reunion. Usually, I'm there for over a week but I decided to only go for a few days this time. Since my grandmother's death, I was afraid this might be the last get-together. I was exhausted and still recovering from surgery but I decided I needed to make the trip.

It was good to be home, even for a short while. Everyone commented on my weight loss - and I was just there in late May for grandma's funeral so I guess the metamorphosis is happening quickly. My mother insisted on taking me shopping for some new clothes. What a whole new world already! In the past, I would look for things I could wear, not necessarily what I liked. I might take 3 or 4 things in the biggest size the store carried into the dressing room with me. Nine times out of 10, I wouldn't be able to wear a thing. This time, I had room to move up or down a size and had to pick and choose things to buy because I could wear everything I tried on. Wow, that's pretty cool. And my feet are shrinking right along with the rest of me. Interesting!

We drove onto Ohio after I went to my re-scheduled appointment at Henry Ford on Wednesday. Evidently I'm still doing everything right, which is a relief. I'm really afraid of screwing this up. LOL! I was told I wasn't eating or drinking enough, though. I never thought anyone would ever tell me I wasn't eating enough! So I need to up my caloric intake but it's hard. I'm rarely hungry and still can't eat much more than 1/4 cup at a time. The drinking is a whole 'nother thing. The math doesn't add up, dude. How can I get in 64 oz. a day when I can't drink 30 min. before or after meals and they want me to eat 5 times a day?? Plus I can't drink much at one time, soooo....I'm lost. I guess I'll just do the best I can.

My weigh-in went well and I now know that, as of today, I have lost 97 lbs. I'm using a different, lesser-capacity scale at home and it's more in line with the scale at Henry Ford so hopefully I won't get confused anymore about my total weight loss :-)

The 100-lb. milestone will be here before I know it. I want my tattoo! I've talked about getting a tat to commemorate the whole Bo Bice experience for years. A baby chick, or something 'peep' related. *Bo refers to his fans as Bo Peeps* I am definitely not interested in getting his name, initials, picture or anything like that - um, no. I love the man, but I love my husband more and I think that's disrespectful to him. The peep is Erich approved, however. LOL! There's a guy here locally, Tim, who's tattooed and pierced many people we know and love (including Erich) so he is the one I will go to when the time comes. I already have one tattoo and it HURT. A lot. So this is a big deal for me, getting another one!

Thanks bunches for hanging in there with me! I know I have several new subscribers so 'hey'! *waves irrationally* The blogspot subscriber thing is weird. I have 'followers', which can be seen at the side of entries, and I have subscribers - who number far more than the followers. I wish there was a way to combine them?? Probably is and I'm too dunce to figure it out. Ah well. Welcome everyone and I love ya'll!