I've decided that a 5K is in my future. That's 3.1 miles for those who can't/don't want to convert.
I was watching The Biggest Loser last night - and if you don't WHY THE HELL NOT?? - when the contestants traveled to Texas to take part in a 5K with radio contest winners. Last week, my main man Michael completed a 5K on the treadmill at the ranch. First time ever. Let me mention that Mike weighed 372 pounds at the time. Michael Ventrella showed up on the show at 526 pounds, the heaviest contestant ever. I felt a kinship to him right away, as I usually do with the bigger people on the show. But I've grown to love his personality, his drive and pretty much everything about him. The fact that he's becoming quite handsome doesn't hurt, either. LOL!
Mike has a long way to go but he's already accomplished so much. He's such an inspiration to me and makes me push myself harder in my workouts. I've said for a while now that my goal was to run. And the way I see it, if Mike can do that then so can I. The show is really awesome for that - you see people there that could be YOU. The very first time I ran, I did it because I saw Ron, a contestant two seasons ago, jog just a tiny bit. Ron arrived on the ranch weighing well over 400 pounds. Damn it, if he can run - and Mike can run - then I can, too.
And so can you.
I've been doing quite a bit of walking/running outside lately. When I say run, I mean I run sprints. Short bursts, then I walk. I'm getting better than I used to be but progress is slower than I'd like because of my knees. I read in a magazine a few weeks ago about a jogging chart of sorts. It said to start off walking four minutes and jogging one then repeat that pattern over and over. Then increase jogging time each week. When I saw Mike hit that 5K on the treadmill then the 5K in Texas this week I said 'That's it. I'm going to actually train to do this.'
So tonight I started out on the treadmill at the gym doing just that. Walking four minutes and jogging for one. It wasn't as bad as I thought but by the last one-minute jog, my legs were feeling pretty heavy! I went 2 miles in 32 minutes. Not great, still some work to do. But man...a year ago that would've been a faraway dream of some kind. I'm going to work on it. I'll let you know how it goes. I may not run the whole 5K, but I'll complete it. Mike didn't run the whole thing in Texas, either. In fact, he said it hadn't been long since he could run a mile without stopping. Hell, I think that's amazing! I'll be glad when I can do that much.
Since I've been exercising outdoors, I've run into my Jogging Idol a few times. I blogged about seeing her running alongside the road with her blonde ponytail bobbing up and down, looking like she totally had her shit together. Usually she's off in the distance but once she was on the other side of the street. AND, I was doing one of my sprints when we passed each other. I jogged past my Jogging Idol!! She totally has no clue but I was thrilled. It's the little things....LOL!
A couple random things about losing weight that I haven't mentioned before:
- Erich rebuilt my desk chair years ago to accommodate my hips. He literally took the arms off, added steel extensions and reattached them. A while back, he removed them. I sat down and I look down at the chair then over at him. 'You took off the extensions, didn't you?' He just smiled. 'Yep. You don't need them anymore.' And so I don't. I have a normal chair now.
- For the first time, Erich and I now need different adjustments on the car seats and mirrors. When he drives my car on the weekend, he has to adjust everything. I was laughing at him last weekend. 'That's new, huh?' I said. Indeed! I didn't get shorter; I just lost weight. But now I want the seat closer to the wheel and the mirrors have to be turned down. Odd about the mirrors! I also want to tilt the wheel down, too. One of the reasons I bought that car was because I could fit into it...with the seat all the way back and the tilt wheel all the way up. Next car I buy, I don't think I'll have to worry so much about that.
- I went to upstate New York a couple weeks ago to visit with friends and rode in my good friend Lecia's Toyota. Toyotas are notoriously small and I've never been able to get a seat belt on in one. My BFF in Ohio, Katrina, used to have a Rav4 that was always uncomfortable for me to ride in. When I got into Lecia's car, I put the belt on, no problem. Lots of room. Very cool.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Fabulous freedom at 40
We're gonna be in the poor house by the end of the summer! And it's all my weight loss angel's fault.
I find I want to get out and enjoy all the things that life has to offer. Everything I couldn't do before I want to dive into now. I want to see, experience, feel, touch...soar and SWEEP! Out with the old life and in with the new. I worry I'm overwhelming my poor husband with the 'I want to do this' stuff. And yes, it all costs money. But this is my coming-out party. My summer of Fabulous Freedom at 40. LOL!
- Zip lining. Yep, you read that correctly. There's a ski resort in our town and during the summer they offer zip lining. My brother-in-law and I are ready, man. When they open, we're there. We're both afraid of heights and this is another thing that I would NEVER have considered doing at 444 pounds (they probably wouldn't have let me on the thing, even if I wanted to!). Should be interesting.
- Camping. I mentioned this a couple blogs back. Erich and I are going for our anniversary next month. Now, camping IS cheap but it still costs money. The last time we went it was pretty bad. My knees had just started really acting up and I could barely walk. This time, we're gonna hike all over the place.
- Nashville! Erich and I are going to Bo's fan club party during CMA Fest (aka Fan Fair) in June. I've been to Nashville twice but have never been sightseeing. There was never time and besides, I couldn't have walked around downtown anyway. On this trip, I will with no problems. Oh yeah!
- We're not totally sure, but think we will be taking a trip to Utica, NY the weekend after CMA Fest to see Bo perform there. We have friends near there and may not be able to resist the temptation. We'll have to see if there's any money left after Nashville! LOL!
- Bon Jovi/Kid Rock concert! I am going to see two of my all-time favorite performers TOGETHER live!! My friend Randi scored us awesome 7th row seats, right behind the pit. I am so psyched I can't even tell you! This is in July and should be a really good one-year post-op anniversary present to myself. I will not worry about walking all over downtown Toronto. I won't be worried about fitting into any seats. I will just be having a good time. I can't wait. Randi has also had gastric bypass so she is looking forward to all this stuff, too. We are AWESOMENESS. That's what we keep telling ourselves! LOL!
- Annual trip to Ohio for my family's reunion. This time, we're going to Kings Island and Cindy will, for the very first time, get on a roller coaster. I couldn't fit on one before and I was always afraid it would screw my back up anyway. And there was the fear of heights thing. But now, my back is pretty much a non-issue and I think I'll be ok to put the roll bar down. The last time I was there, I was so hot I thought I might pass out plus I had to rent a scooter because I couldn't walk around. And I ended up breaking the damn thing. I was 32. Haven't been back since. Ridiculous. No scooter this time and lord knows I don't get hot like I used to.
This may not sound like much but to us, this is a big summer planned!
There are little things, too, that I take the time to experience now that I can. Like today for example. I went on my daily 30-min. walk/jog and decided to go to a local park. The entrance to this park is something I can see when I look out my kitchen window but I have never been to. You have to walk down a pretty steep hill to get to it and I have just never bothered. Isn't that awful? Now that the weather is nice, today I thought I'd go down there and walk around. So I did. There's playground equipment, of course, a slide and swing set. No one was around.
Could I get on that swing set? That might be fun. I never would've considered doing THAT 200 pounds ago. I would be afraid it would break or that I couldn't get my ass into the seat in the first place. I never would've even tried it at all.
I look at the seat. Hm. Maybe. I sit down (HEY! I fit!) gently, as if I'm still concerned my weight will break it somehow. I look up at the steel hooks securing the chains to the top of the frame. Not even creaking or anything. Ok. I lift my feet up and sway back and forth, slowly at first then I push myself. Higher and higher. I close my eyes and feel the sunshine on my face, the cool breeze blowing against me. I lean back and just let the motion of the swing carry my body through space. It was so freakin' awesome I can't even tell you. 'I Gotta Feeling' is playing on my mp3 player and feels like fate. I stayed on that swing for a good 15 minutes. This is what freedom feels like.
And I ain't stopping now!
I find I want to get out and enjoy all the things that life has to offer. Everything I couldn't do before I want to dive into now. I want to see, experience, feel, touch...soar and SWEEP! Out with the old life and in with the new. I worry I'm overwhelming my poor husband with the 'I want to do this' stuff. And yes, it all costs money. But this is my coming-out party. My summer of Fabulous Freedom at 40. LOL!
- Zip lining. Yep, you read that correctly. There's a ski resort in our town and during the summer they offer zip lining. My brother-in-law and I are ready, man. When they open, we're there. We're both afraid of heights and this is another thing that I would NEVER have considered doing at 444 pounds (they probably wouldn't have let me on the thing, even if I wanted to!). Should be interesting.
- Camping. I mentioned this a couple blogs back. Erich and I are going for our anniversary next month. Now, camping IS cheap but it still costs money. The last time we went it was pretty bad. My knees had just started really acting up and I could barely walk. This time, we're gonna hike all over the place.
- Nashville! Erich and I are going to Bo's fan club party during CMA Fest (aka Fan Fair) in June. I've been to Nashville twice but have never been sightseeing. There was never time and besides, I couldn't have walked around downtown anyway. On this trip, I will with no problems. Oh yeah!
- We're not totally sure, but think we will be taking a trip to Utica, NY the weekend after CMA Fest to see Bo perform there. We have friends near there and may not be able to resist the temptation. We'll have to see if there's any money left after Nashville! LOL!
- Bon Jovi/Kid Rock concert! I am going to see two of my all-time favorite performers TOGETHER live!! My friend Randi scored us awesome 7th row seats, right behind the pit. I am so psyched I can't even tell you! This is in July and should be a really good one-year post-op anniversary present to myself. I will not worry about walking all over downtown Toronto. I won't be worried about fitting into any seats. I will just be having a good time. I can't wait. Randi has also had gastric bypass so she is looking forward to all this stuff, too. We are AWESOMENESS. That's what we keep telling ourselves! LOL!
- Annual trip to Ohio for my family's reunion. This time, we're going to Kings Island and Cindy will, for the very first time, get on a roller coaster. I couldn't fit on one before and I was always afraid it would screw my back up anyway. And there was the fear of heights thing. But now, my back is pretty much a non-issue and I think I'll be ok to put the roll bar down. The last time I was there, I was so hot I thought I might pass out plus I had to rent a scooter because I couldn't walk around. And I ended up breaking the damn thing. I was 32. Haven't been back since. Ridiculous. No scooter this time and lord knows I don't get hot like I used to.
This may not sound like much but to us, this is a big summer planned!
There are little things, too, that I take the time to experience now that I can. Like today for example. I went on my daily 30-min. walk/jog and decided to go to a local park. The entrance to this park is something I can see when I look out my kitchen window but I have never been to. You have to walk down a pretty steep hill to get to it and I have just never bothered. Isn't that awful? Now that the weather is nice, today I thought I'd go down there and walk around. So I did. There's playground equipment, of course, a slide and swing set. No one was around.
Could I get on that swing set? That might be fun. I never would've considered doing THAT 200 pounds ago. I would be afraid it would break or that I couldn't get my ass into the seat in the first place. I never would've even tried it at all.
I look at the seat. Hm. Maybe. I sit down (HEY! I fit!) gently, as if I'm still concerned my weight will break it somehow. I look up at the steel hooks securing the chains to the top of the frame. Not even creaking or anything. Ok. I lift my feet up and sway back and forth, slowly at first then I push myself. Higher and higher. I close my eyes and feel the sunshine on my face, the cool breeze blowing against me. I lean back and just let the motion of the swing carry my body through space. It was so freakin' awesome I can't even tell you. 'I Gotta Feeling' is playing on my mp3 player and feels like fate. I stayed on that swing for a good 15 minutes. This is what freedom feels like.
And I ain't stopping now!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Belated birthday blog
I realized with a start the other day that I never blogged about my 40th birthday trip to Niagara Falls. I had been so busy with work around that time that I just wasn't blogging much, period. So I hope ya'll don't mind if I go back a couple months and share my story. Lots of pictures, so bear with me!
I felt like I wanted to celebrate with a little side trip because well, one only turns 40 once. Plus, it had been a year since I started this blog, this weight-loss journey and the road to a new me. And largely, I have been successful in what I set out to do a year ago. At first, the idea was to head to Nashville and invite some friends to a big celebration at a club or something. Well, the economy said 'bitch, you crazy' so Erich and I opted for a weekend jaunt to nearby Niagara Falls. We really couldn't even afford that but hey, I deserved to do something a little special. And I looooove Niagara Falls. Seriously - I love all the touristy stuff and I try to get down there once a year.
It had been several years since we've been there in winter. Niagara is gorgeous that time of year with ice everywhere. And you'd be surprised how popular it is in the cold! There were lots of other people milling around. I reserved the honeymoon suite in a budget hotel right on Clifton Hill, aka Niagara's 'strip', the main drag of the tourist section of town.
There was a heart-shaped hot tub in the room. I looked at the pictures of it online and said to Erich 'You think we can both fit in that thing?' He just smiled. He does a lot of that lately, which I interpret to mean 'My silly wife forgets she's half the size she used to be.' He answered 'I think we'll be ok.'
It was FREEZING cold that day, of course. The weather wasn't bad all week long but as soon as we headed out of town, it got bitterly cold and windy. There is a lot of walking to do in Niagara Falls but for the first time, I was more concerned about being cold than being able to walk. I dug out some long johns that I hadn't worn in I don't know how long!
As soon as we got to the hotel and checked in, we took off outside. Our hotel was centrally located on the strip with the American Falls directly at the bottom of the hill. So we walked down to take a look and just kept walking all the way to the Horseshoe Falls, which, if any of you have ever been there, you know that's a pretty long way to go. We went inside a large restaurant/gift shop called the Table Rock at the base of the Horseshoe Falls and looked around then walked back to the hotel. All without stopping. Erich commented that he was surprised I could do that and he expected me to ask to sit down once we got to Table Rock Point. But it never occurred to me to sit down. Not even once.
Here's a map that kinda shows the route we took, for those who've never been. You can see Clifton Hill near the top center and the Horseshoe Falls, Table Rock Point at the bottom. As always, click to enlarge:
As I said, the Falls are gorgeous in winter. The ice on the trees is so cool and the Niagara River looks like a giant slushie. Here are a few pictures:
And here's a picture of what I looked like the LAST time I was there in winter:
Amazing stuff. Now you can understand why I wanted to go back! LOL!
When we got back to the room, I put on a tiara and Erich took some photos of me. You see, my good friend Mindy has taught me that every now and then a girl needs a tiara. I couldn't think of a better time than my 40th birthday. LOL! Also, shooting these pics proved to me that my ass could, indeed, fit into the top of the heart in the tub. Erich and I had no problems.
Since losing the weight, I have tried to deliberately move out of my comfort zone and do things I wouldn't have done before. Heights are a huge issue for me as are things that might fall or break away with me. You know, like rides or stuff like that. I tend to think I'm going to break anything that is required to bear my body weight. And if I'm dangling in the air, that makes the fear even worse. But there's a new attraction on Clifton Hill and the more I looked at it during our day out, the more I wanted to experience it because it scared me. The old me. The new me would kick its ass, right?
It's called the Skywheel:
So we bought tickets and I started to freak out right as soon as the ride started. More than I even thought I might. Oh, I tried not to scream and carry on but those of you who know me know I don't do silent suffering very well. I swear as the thing took off and we went higher and higher, I could feel my heart pounding right out of my chest. I was scared to death to move lest my weight cause this 'pod' we were in to plummet to the earth. But I tried to put on a smile. Uh, yeah. Here's my 'oh, I'm ok...I swear I'm ok' photo.
Some pics from the ride, including one of me when I had started to calm down a bit - about 3/4 of the way through the ride I began to enjoy it.
A couple shots from our hotel balcony:
The next day, we went walking all over the place again, then headed home to go out to dinner with my in-laws. Before that, though, Erich gave me his gift.
I have been freezing to death all winter. I was always hot-natured before and while I understand that losing weight removed a lot of the insulation I had going on, I've also been told that the being-cold thing is simply a side effect from gastric bypass surgery itself. Whatever caused it, I am no longer a hot-natured person. At all. So my husband bought me a fireplace. LOL! He also bought me that shirt I have on, while we were in Niagara Falls. It's a 2x and I was worried I wouldn't fit into it but there was no problem.
We went out to dinner and Erich bought me a piece of sugar-free cherry cake from another restaurant so I could have a semblance of a birthday cake when we got back to my mother-in-law's house. It's damn good!
So all in all, it was a GREAT birthday, a great weekend. Turning 40 may suck but the alternative, which I almost had, is much suckier. I plan to be here another 40 years, dude.
I felt like I wanted to celebrate with a little side trip because well, one only turns 40 once. Plus, it had been a year since I started this blog, this weight-loss journey and the road to a new me. And largely, I have been successful in what I set out to do a year ago. At first, the idea was to head to Nashville and invite some friends to a big celebration at a club or something. Well, the economy said 'bitch, you crazy' so Erich and I opted for a weekend jaunt to nearby Niagara Falls. We really couldn't even afford that but hey, I deserved to do something a little special. And I looooove Niagara Falls. Seriously - I love all the touristy stuff and I try to get down there once a year.
It had been several years since we've been there in winter. Niagara is gorgeous that time of year with ice everywhere. And you'd be surprised how popular it is in the cold! There were lots of other people milling around. I reserved the honeymoon suite in a budget hotel right on Clifton Hill, aka Niagara's 'strip', the main drag of the tourist section of town.
There was a heart-shaped hot tub in the room. I looked at the pictures of it online and said to Erich 'You think we can both fit in that thing?' He just smiled. He does a lot of that lately, which I interpret to mean 'My silly wife forgets she's half the size she used to be.' He answered 'I think we'll be ok.'
It was FREEZING cold that day, of course. The weather wasn't bad all week long but as soon as we headed out of town, it got bitterly cold and windy. There is a lot of walking to do in Niagara Falls but for the first time, I was more concerned about being cold than being able to walk. I dug out some long johns that I hadn't worn in I don't know how long!
As soon as we got to the hotel and checked in, we took off outside. Our hotel was centrally located on the strip with the American Falls directly at the bottom of the hill. So we walked down to take a look and just kept walking all the way to the Horseshoe Falls, which, if any of you have ever been there, you know that's a pretty long way to go. We went inside a large restaurant/gift shop called the Table Rock at the base of the Horseshoe Falls and looked around then walked back to the hotel. All without stopping. Erich commented that he was surprised I could do that and he expected me to ask to sit down once we got to Table Rock Point. But it never occurred to me to sit down. Not even once.
Here's a map that kinda shows the route we took, for those who've never been. You can see Clifton Hill near the top center and the Horseshoe Falls, Table Rock Point at the bottom. As always, click to enlarge:
As I said, the Falls are gorgeous in winter. The ice on the trees is so cool and the Niagara River looks like a giant slushie. Here are a few pictures:
And here's a picture of what I looked like the LAST time I was there in winter:
Amazing stuff. Now you can understand why I wanted to go back! LOL!
When we got back to the room, I put on a tiara and Erich took some photos of me. You see, my good friend Mindy has taught me that every now and then a girl needs a tiara. I couldn't think of a better time than my 40th birthday. LOL! Also, shooting these pics proved to me that my ass could, indeed, fit into the top of the heart in the tub. Erich and I had no problems.
Since losing the weight, I have tried to deliberately move out of my comfort zone and do things I wouldn't have done before. Heights are a huge issue for me as are things that might fall or break away with me. You know, like rides or stuff like that. I tend to think I'm going to break anything that is required to bear my body weight. And if I'm dangling in the air, that makes the fear even worse. But there's a new attraction on Clifton Hill and the more I looked at it during our day out, the more I wanted to experience it because it scared me. The old me. The new me would kick its ass, right?
It's called the Skywheel:
So we bought tickets and I started to freak out right as soon as the ride started. More than I even thought I might. Oh, I tried not to scream and carry on but those of you who know me know I don't do silent suffering very well. I swear as the thing took off and we went higher and higher, I could feel my heart pounding right out of my chest. I was scared to death to move lest my weight cause this 'pod' we were in to plummet to the earth. But I tried to put on a smile. Uh, yeah. Here's my 'oh, I'm ok...I swear I'm ok' photo.
Some pics from the ride, including one of me when I had started to calm down a bit - about 3/4 of the way through the ride I began to enjoy it.
A couple shots from our hotel balcony:
The next day, we went walking all over the place again, then headed home to go out to dinner with my in-laws. Before that, though, Erich gave me his gift.
I have been freezing to death all winter. I was always hot-natured before and while I understand that losing weight removed a lot of the insulation I had going on, I've also been told that the being-cold thing is simply a side effect from gastric bypass surgery itself. Whatever caused it, I am no longer a hot-natured person. At all. So my husband bought me a fireplace. LOL! He also bought me that shirt I have on, while we were in Niagara Falls. It's a 2x and I was worried I wouldn't fit into it but there was no problem.
We went out to dinner and Erich bought me a piece of sugar-free cherry cake from another restaurant so I could have a semblance of a birthday cake when we got back to my mother-in-law's house. It's damn good!
So all in all, it was a GREAT birthday, a great weekend. Turning 40 may suck but the alternative, which I almost had, is much suckier. I plan to be here another 40 years, dude.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
On clothes making the woman
I have sold about 90% of my leftover wardrobe in the last few days. I've already donated tons of stuff to a local thrift store, but this last big batch of excess 'stuff', I decided to sell. I need money to buy new clothes for myself, a good friend reasoned, so sell some stuff to finance a new look.
Now I've already donated probably 5 or 6 big garbage bags full of clothes over the last 6 to 9 months. And I did that freely, no reservations. But this time it was different. Maybe because I know these clothes are truly the last symbol of the old me. They are the last big batch of the super-sized clothes to go and the shedding of all these bags and boxes, in some ways, represents just more weight to melt away.
It's liberating to rid yourself of the past but it's also really scary in some ways. My clothes hold a lot of meaning for me. I searched high and low to find things I liked and would fit me. I paid a lot of money for them - a whole lot more than the average-sized person would. Some things were custom-made for me with a lot of love, care, and attention paid to detail.
There's also the thought of 'What if I need them again?' I mean, really. I've never in my life lost weight and not have it all come back, plus more. Most of the time there's a lot of positive thinking in my head but I wouldn't be human if I didn't think about the horrifying possibility of failing at this thing once again. Oprah Winfrey once said that she was so angry because she couldn't believe, after all her accomplishments, that the weight was just something that she couldn't conquer. And I've said before that I was food's bitch. I am very smart and independent but food could make me do whatever it wanted. I was powerless to it. It's worse than any kind of street drug you can imagine because here's the thing: You have to eat. You can quit drinking alcohol, you can stop shooting heroin and never have to touch them again, but food is different.
I found myself thinking that way several times in the past week or so since I put those clothes up for auction. And every time, I've had to dig deep within this well of certainty that is within me, somewhere, to keep reminding myself that there is no turning back. No more fat clothes. No more excuses. I've been given the golden opportunity of a lifetime with this tool and I will not fail. It's scary, scary stuff.
I type that as I sit here sobbing. LOL! But it's ok. No more fat clothes. I'm surprised by how emotional this all makes me.
So my wardrobe is gone. My closet has never looked so empty! I still have 47 pounds to go so I can't go crazy but I do need some summer stuff. And shoes. My shoes are too big, too.
The woman who came by the house last night to pick up my wardrobe was like looking in a mirror. I could see myself in her and I felt for her. She doesn't drive and her husband doesn't like shopping so she is desperate for clothes. They also don't have Internet so she can't shop online; her sister saw my ad and brought it to her attention. Oh my! I wanted to help her - I searched high and low for more clothes for her before she arrived and she ended up leaving with my old bathing suit (the one that helped me lose the first 100 pounds in the pool), my old winter coat (which got me through some tough Canada winters...and one day in D.C. where I thought I was going to freeze my fat ass off) and a few other things. She was thrilled and I was happy to be able to help her.
While she and her husband were here, I was reminded once again of the huge changes in my health since losing weight. They parked across the street but by the time they rang our doorbell, she was out of breath. Gasping, literally. After they came in, we all stood around for a few minutes talking and I was showing her some of the other stuff I'd decided to sell. Then I noticed she was sweating and fidgeting. DING!!! 'Do you want to sit down?' I asked her and she gratefully plopped down on my sofa. I was ashamed of myself for making her stand for a few minutes. I know what that's like! I remember vividly! But it's so weird how quickly you forget about it when YOU'RE ok.
I went to a support group meeting for bariatric patients once and the lady who ran the group, Sharon, was at her goal weight. After the meeting, she and I stood around talking for a few minutes. I was still very heavy then, close to 400 pounds. I desperately wanted to sit down but was trying to stand there a few more minutes. I was sweaty and beginning to fidget back and forth, trying to ease the pressure on my back. Finally, she looked at me and said 'You need to sit down, don't you?' She said she used to be the same way and apologized for not offering me a seat sooner.
Last night, I was Sharon. Talk about a full circle moment.
No going back. It's ok to get rid of the clothes and the emotional baggage that goes with it. Lost one pound this week - current weight 241.
Now I've already donated probably 5 or 6 big garbage bags full of clothes over the last 6 to 9 months. And I did that freely, no reservations. But this time it was different. Maybe because I know these clothes are truly the last symbol of the old me. They are the last big batch of the super-sized clothes to go and the shedding of all these bags and boxes, in some ways, represents just more weight to melt away.
It's liberating to rid yourself of the past but it's also really scary in some ways. My clothes hold a lot of meaning for me. I searched high and low to find things I liked and would fit me. I paid a lot of money for them - a whole lot more than the average-sized person would. Some things were custom-made for me with a lot of love, care, and attention paid to detail.
There's also the thought of 'What if I need them again?' I mean, really. I've never in my life lost weight and not have it all come back, plus more. Most of the time there's a lot of positive thinking in my head but I wouldn't be human if I didn't think about the horrifying possibility of failing at this thing once again. Oprah Winfrey once said that she was so angry because she couldn't believe, after all her accomplishments, that the weight was just something that she couldn't conquer. And I've said before that I was food's bitch. I am very smart and independent but food could make me do whatever it wanted. I was powerless to it. It's worse than any kind of street drug you can imagine because here's the thing: You have to eat. You can quit drinking alcohol, you can stop shooting heroin and never have to touch them again, but food is different.
I found myself thinking that way several times in the past week or so since I put those clothes up for auction. And every time, I've had to dig deep within this well of certainty that is within me, somewhere, to keep reminding myself that there is no turning back. No more fat clothes. No more excuses. I've been given the golden opportunity of a lifetime with this tool and I will not fail. It's scary, scary stuff.
I type that as I sit here sobbing. LOL! But it's ok. No more fat clothes. I'm surprised by how emotional this all makes me.
So my wardrobe is gone. My closet has never looked so empty! I still have 47 pounds to go so I can't go crazy but I do need some summer stuff. And shoes. My shoes are too big, too.
The woman who came by the house last night to pick up my wardrobe was like looking in a mirror. I could see myself in her and I felt for her. She doesn't drive and her husband doesn't like shopping so she is desperate for clothes. They also don't have Internet so she can't shop online; her sister saw my ad and brought it to her attention. Oh my! I wanted to help her - I searched high and low for more clothes for her before she arrived and she ended up leaving with my old bathing suit (the one that helped me lose the first 100 pounds in the pool), my old winter coat (which got me through some tough Canada winters...and one day in D.C. where I thought I was going to freeze my fat ass off) and a few other things. She was thrilled and I was happy to be able to help her.
While she and her husband were here, I was reminded once again of the huge changes in my health since losing weight. They parked across the street but by the time they rang our doorbell, she was out of breath. Gasping, literally. After they came in, we all stood around for a few minutes talking and I was showing her some of the other stuff I'd decided to sell. Then I noticed she was sweating and fidgeting. DING!!! 'Do you want to sit down?' I asked her and she gratefully plopped down on my sofa. I was ashamed of myself for making her stand for a few minutes. I know what that's like! I remember vividly! But it's so weird how quickly you forget about it when YOU'RE ok.
I went to a support group meeting for bariatric patients once and the lady who ran the group, Sharon, was at her goal weight. After the meeting, she and I stood around talking for a few minutes. I was still very heavy then, close to 400 pounds. I desperately wanted to sit down but was trying to stand there a few more minutes. I was sweaty and beginning to fidget back and forth, trying to ease the pressure on my back. Finally, she looked at me and said 'You need to sit down, don't you?' She said she used to be the same way and apologized for not offering me a seat sooner.
Last night, I was Sharon. Talk about a full circle moment.
No going back. It's ok to get rid of the clothes and the emotional baggage that goes with it. Lost one pound this week - current weight 241.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Out of the mouths of babes
Children have been, more often that not, afraid of me.
I think it was just my massive size; most of the time, kids would cower in fear when I approached them, hanging to their mother's shirts for dear life. MOM! THE MONSTER'S COMING!!! Even strange kids I'd see out shopping or wherever. They would stare at me then back away. I'm not kidding and I'm not exaggerating. We're talking small children, toddlers. The older ones just point and laugh (well, sometimes). And I might add that this was more rare when I was in Ohio - but was a regular thing in Ontario. I dunno, I think the kids down home are more accustomed to obesity. Which isn't necessarily a good thing.
So imagine my surprise when Erich and I went into a truck stop in Woodstock, Ontario, on our way to Port Burwell on Friday. We needed gas and well, I just *love* truck stops. Seriously, they have the neatest things in there sometimes! So I wanted to go in and wander around. Erich was on one end of the store and I on the other. This small boy, about 3, passed me in an aisle and smiled great big. "Hiiiiiiii!!!" he chirped at me, all cuteness and light. I smiled back and said "Hiiiiii!" back at him. He turned to his mom and said "Mommy, she's pretty!" Welllll, I just about fell in the floor. That has never happened to me in my life. Ever. She laughed and said "Yes, she is!"
Seriously. I stopped dead in my tracks and my mouth fell to my knees. Shit like that does not happen to me. I told Erich about it and he laughed. "You ARE pretty!" he said. Yeah, but he's my husband. He kinda has to say that. LOL! To have that kid not be terrified of me was really something. It made my day.
Erich and I went to Port Burwell, along the nothern shore of Lake Erie, just to hang out. We love the little town and often talk about retiring there someday. We're going camping there for our anniversary in May. Camping...yeah, that'll be a whole different experience at this weight, I'm sure. We wandered the main strip downtown checking out all the bikes (I might've been checking out the bikers, too) and walked around the empty campgrounds, looking at different sites. This is our idea of fun. LOL!
When Erich first suggested we get out and walk the campgrounds, which is a pretty big place as this is a provincial park, I was hesitant. The thought of walking great distances still freaks me out a bit and at first I said no, that I couldn't do it. But I changed my mind and I'm glad I did. We were about halfway through the trails and I said "I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine. I can walk now. I really need to remember that." It's tough to reverse 40 years of negative thoughts.
As I've been going through my wardrobe and shedding everything that doesn't fit me (count so far - 35 shirts; 16 pairs of pants; 30 pairs of capris; 4 nightgowns and 4 bras) I'm finding the true 'before' clothes. I slipped on a couple and had Erich take a few pictures tonight:
A purple skirt my mother-in-law made for me not too long after I moved to Canada. It's several years old and represents me at nearly 500 pounds, I would think:
This is Erich and me - I have the skirt on here as well as the matching jacket she made for me:
And here I am with it on tonight:
What used to fit me, now can fit both myself and Erich!
This used to be my favorite shirt. I wore it to death! It's only a few years old.
Here are a few pictures of me in the summer of 2008 with it on. I was in Ocean City, MD for a Bo concert with my girls! Wonderful memories:
And with it on tonight:
And here I have it gathered in the back to show where my body actually is. LOL!
I went to Mecca (aka Old Navy) and shopped the clearance aisle today. Two extra-large shirts came home with me. Unreal! It's an indescribable feeling to be wearing a 6X just over a year ago and now be in an XL.
The weather's been fabulous up here lately so I went through my summer clothes. I can't wear a single thing. NOTHING. My god, I have to buy more clothes. Awwwww, damn! I hate that! *can you feel the sarcasm?* That's why I have 30 pairs of capri-length pants to get rid of.
So yeah, things are good. I didn't lose any weight this week, but I didn't gain any, either. So I'll survive. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and it'll come off. And maybe someday I'll believe I'm pretty - just like that little boy said I was.
I think it was just my massive size; most of the time, kids would cower in fear when I approached them, hanging to their mother's shirts for dear life. MOM! THE MONSTER'S COMING!!! Even strange kids I'd see out shopping or wherever. They would stare at me then back away. I'm not kidding and I'm not exaggerating. We're talking small children, toddlers. The older ones just point and laugh (well, sometimes). And I might add that this was more rare when I was in Ohio - but was a regular thing in Ontario. I dunno, I think the kids down home are more accustomed to obesity. Which isn't necessarily a good thing.
So imagine my surprise when Erich and I went into a truck stop in Woodstock, Ontario, on our way to Port Burwell on Friday. We needed gas and well, I just *love* truck stops. Seriously, they have the neatest things in there sometimes! So I wanted to go in and wander around. Erich was on one end of the store and I on the other. This small boy, about 3, passed me in an aisle and smiled great big. "Hiiiiiiii!!!" he chirped at me, all cuteness and light. I smiled back and said "Hiiiiii!" back at him. He turned to his mom and said "Mommy, she's pretty!" Welllll, I just about fell in the floor. That has never happened to me in my life. Ever. She laughed and said "Yes, she is!"
Seriously. I stopped dead in my tracks and my mouth fell to my knees. Shit like that does not happen to me. I told Erich about it and he laughed. "You ARE pretty!" he said. Yeah, but he's my husband. He kinda has to say that. LOL! To have that kid not be terrified of me was really something. It made my day.
Erich and I went to Port Burwell, along the nothern shore of Lake Erie, just to hang out. We love the little town and often talk about retiring there someday. We're going camping there for our anniversary in May. Camping...yeah, that'll be a whole different experience at this weight, I'm sure. We wandered the main strip downtown checking out all the bikes (I might've been checking out the bikers, too) and walked around the empty campgrounds, looking at different sites. This is our idea of fun. LOL!
When Erich first suggested we get out and walk the campgrounds, which is a pretty big place as this is a provincial park, I was hesitant. The thought of walking great distances still freaks me out a bit and at first I said no, that I couldn't do it. But I changed my mind and I'm glad I did. We were about halfway through the trails and I said "I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine. I can walk now. I really need to remember that." It's tough to reverse 40 years of negative thoughts.
As I've been going through my wardrobe and shedding everything that doesn't fit me (count so far - 35 shirts; 16 pairs of pants; 30 pairs of capris; 4 nightgowns and 4 bras) I'm finding the true 'before' clothes. I slipped on a couple and had Erich take a few pictures tonight:
A purple skirt my mother-in-law made for me not too long after I moved to Canada. It's several years old and represents me at nearly 500 pounds, I would think:
This is Erich and me - I have the skirt on here as well as the matching jacket she made for me:
And here I am with it on tonight:
What used to fit me, now can fit both myself and Erich!
This used to be my favorite shirt. I wore it to death! It's only a few years old.
Here are a few pictures of me in the summer of 2008 with it on. I was in Ocean City, MD for a Bo concert with my girls! Wonderful memories:
And with it on tonight:
And here I have it gathered in the back to show where my body actually is. LOL!
I went to Mecca (aka Old Navy) and shopped the clearance aisle today. Two extra-large shirts came home with me. Unreal! It's an indescribable feeling to be wearing a 6X just over a year ago and now be in an XL.
The weather's been fabulous up here lately so I went through my summer clothes. I can't wear a single thing. NOTHING. My god, I have to buy more clothes. Awwwww, damn! I hate that! *can you feel the sarcasm?* That's why I have 30 pairs of capri-length pants to get rid of.
So yeah, things are good. I didn't lose any weight this week, but I didn't gain any, either. So I'll survive. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and it'll come off. And maybe someday I'll believe I'm pretty - just like that little boy said I was.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
What the hell IS that?
Losing 200 pounds makes all kinds of weird stuff appear out of nowhere on your body. Most people, the layperson, would call these things bones. There's also a thing called a neck. Rounded protrusions referred to as knees, ankles and wrists. I have a chin now.
But ribs...my ribs are kinda freaking me out. I noticed it about a month or so ago and they're getting worse. Or better, depending on your point of view. It's not the ribs themselves, it's the position of them.
I told Erich I had weird ribs. He laughed. "You're supposed to have ribs," he assured me. "No...they're WEIRD." Again he laughed. I told him to wait till we were lying down in bed and I'd show him. The weirdness is more pronounced then.
So I pulled up my shirt and said "See?" He looked. His brow furrowed a bit, then his eyes widened. "Feel them," I challenged him. So he did. He bit his bottom lip and said "Hm." I smiled in victory. "I told you they were weird."
They protrude oddly; like, waaaayyyy out. It feels and looks like a deformity of some sort. I asked my strangely intelligent husband, who is also known as MacGyver in our circle of family and friends because he really can take a matchstick and a few rocks and build you a house or something, what he thought the problem was. He said maybe my internal organs, the liver in particular, were so enlarged that over time, my ribs had pushed themselves out to accommodate them. Now it was my turn to say "Hm."
Could be, I suppose. Dr. Genaw did tell me that mine was one of the largest livers he'd ever encountered and was very glad I'd lost all that weight pre-op, as he would've hated to have seen it beforehand. I've been doing some poking around online about this but haven't found anything relating losing a lot weight with strangely protruding ribs. I'm going to email Dr. Genaw about it. They don't hurt, but they're just, well, weird.
I really cleaned out my closet Sunday night, getting rid of two huge boxfuls of stuff. I tried on most things and if it was baggy and made me look pregnant, it was outta there. I find I really want well-fitting clothes now whereas I used to want everything baggy. I have a waist now and want to define it, not hide it. So I put these clothes up for sale on Kijiji and it appears my worst fears have been realized and I am, indeed, the fattest chick in Canada. (just kidding) Seriously, no bites. At all. I thought those clothes would be long gone by now. I know I would've snapped them up in a minute a couple years ago! Oh well. I'll leave the ad up for a week and if I still don't get a single response, I guess I'll donate them. I was hoping to make a little bit of cash, damnit.
My friend Lisa passed on a cheesecake cobbler recipe a couple weeks ago and OH MY!! I tweaked it a bit for dieters/gastric bypass patients, adding some stuff and substituting Splenda for sugar. She has graciously allowed me to re-post my concoction here for ya'll:
Cheesecake Cobbler
1 8oz pkg cream cheese (room temp)
1 egg
1 C. Splenda
1 tsp. vanilla
1 tube of refrigerated crescent rolls
Two tablespoons sugar-free strawberry jam
A few chopped fresh strawberries
Mix together first 4 ingredients with electric mixer and pour into a casserole dish.
Tear apart crescent rolls and place on top of the cheesecake mixture.
Bake according to directions on crescent roll package, plus a few mins. Check it and when it's golden brown it's done.
When I made this, I didn't use all the crescent rolls in the tube. Also, I think the cream cheese could easily be doubled. In fact, I intend to make this for Easter and will do just that. My whole family loved it, dieters or not!
But ribs...my ribs are kinda freaking me out. I noticed it about a month or so ago and they're getting worse. Or better, depending on your point of view. It's not the ribs themselves, it's the position of them.
I told Erich I had weird ribs. He laughed. "You're supposed to have ribs," he assured me. "No...they're WEIRD." Again he laughed. I told him to wait till we were lying down in bed and I'd show him. The weirdness is more pronounced then.
So I pulled up my shirt and said "See?" He looked. His brow furrowed a bit, then his eyes widened. "Feel them," I challenged him. So he did. He bit his bottom lip and said "Hm." I smiled in victory. "I told you they were weird."
They protrude oddly; like, waaaayyyy out. It feels and looks like a deformity of some sort. I asked my strangely intelligent husband, who is also known as MacGyver in our circle of family and friends because he really can take a matchstick and a few rocks and build you a house or something, what he thought the problem was. He said maybe my internal organs, the liver in particular, were so enlarged that over time, my ribs had pushed themselves out to accommodate them. Now it was my turn to say "Hm."
Could be, I suppose. Dr. Genaw did tell me that mine was one of the largest livers he'd ever encountered and was very glad I'd lost all that weight pre-op, as he would've hated to have seen it beforehand. I've been doing some poking around online about this but haven't found anything relating losing a lot weight with strangely protruding ribs. I'm going to email Dr. Genaw about it. They don't hurt, but they're just, well, weird.
I really cleaned out my closet Sunday night, getting rid of two huge boxfuls of stuff. I tried on most things and if it was baggy and made me look pregnant, it was outta there. I find I really want well-fitting clothes now whereas I used to want everything baggy. I have a waist now and want to define it, not hide it. So I put these clothes up for sale on Kijiji and it appears my worst fears have been realized and I am, indeed, the fattest chick in Canada. (just kidding) Seriously, no bites. At all. I thought those clothes would be long gone by now. I know I would've snapped them up in a minute a couple years ago! Oh well. I'll leave the ad up for a week and if I still don't get a single response, I guess I'll donate them. I was hoping to make a little bit of cash, damnit.
My friend Lisa passed on a cheesecake cobbler recipe a couple weeks ago and OH MY!! I tweaked it a bit for dieters/gastric bypass patients, adding some stuff and substituting Splenda for sugar. She has graciously allowed me to re-post my concoction here for ya'll:
Cheesecake Cobbler
1 8oz pkg cream cheese (room temp)
1 egg
1 C. Splenda
1 tsp. vanilla
1 tube of refrigerated crescent rolls
Two tablespoons sugar-free strawberry jam
A few chopped fresh strawberries
Mix together first 4 ingredients with electric mixer and pour into a casserole dish.
Tear apart crescent rolls and place on top of the cheesecake mixture.
Bake according to directions on crescent roll package, plus a few mins. Check it and when it's golden brown it's done.
When I made this, I didn't use all the crescent rolls in the tube. Also, I think the cream cheese could easily be doubled. In fact, I intend to make this for Easter and will do just that. My whole family loved it, dieters or not!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Ghosts of diets past
I was reading about Zulekah Haywood, the daughter of supermodel Iman, in this month's Glamour magazine. Despite genetics that most of us would kill for - her father is NBA legend Spencer Haywood - she found herself at 330 pounds by age 31. Then she had gastric bypass surgery. Her story is here.
In the article, she talks about a lot of things that I totally identify with such as not being able to comfortably get out of bed in the morning serving as a major trigger that 'hello, something drastic needs to happen'. She also discusses how her famous parents tried unsuccessfully to help her with her lifetime weight problems.
My parents did, too, in their own way. One of my first childhood memories is of stepping on a scale, my mother standing over me. I remember that I was under 70 pounds and my mom seemed pleased about that. I can't remember if I'd been trying to lose weight or what, but I remember getting on that scale.
Another very early childhood memory: Coming indoors after running around playing and my father telling me that the racing feeling in my chest, the 'burn', as I would later recognize it, should be something I strive for all the time. In other words, I needed to exercise more.
My parents never overtly hassled me about my weight. I've been fat my whole life but they never put me down for it and never made me feel less than worthy. Small, quiet encouragement, yes. But not 'put the fork down you fat pig'. I know others were not as lucky as me and I'm forever grateful to my parents for that.
When I was growing up, my dad was one of those naturally thin people who seemed like he could eat whatever he wanted and never gain weight. Most of the men in my family, on both sides, were very tall and thin. The women, though, always seemed to struggle with weight. My mom was no exception.
My mom lived on a crash diet. Not a healthy-eating plan, but a crash diet. All the time. She was always tall, thin and pretty with an enviable hourglass shape. But she just about killed herself to get there. She would make us spaghetti for dinner and have a small bowl of brussel sprouts for herself. She always ate with us at the table but rarely enjoyed the same food we did. I'm not entirely sure but I think this planted the seed inside me somewhere that good food was something forbidden and bad; therefore, when I got some, I ate more than I should because we usually want more of what we think we're not supposed to have, right?
But I never went on a major diet PLAN till my senior year in high school. By then I was 297 pounds. I tried to lose weight before then, but the Atkins-like, low-carb, high-protein plan I went on when I was 18 was the first organized diet for me. And I lost about 80 pounds in three months. It was pretty awesome! Gained it all back in a year or two's time, though - plus more. And it's like a drug. After that, for the next 10-12 years, I was chasing the year or so I had where I was normal. Gotta get a hit of normal! I need it! I want it!
Zulekah talks about all the different plans she went on before resorting to gastric bypass. Again, I know exactly what she's talking about. In fact, Henry Ford Hospital makes you list all the plans you've tried in their pre-surgical evaluation. Here are mine:
- Atkins-like, physician-supervised: Worked like a freakin' charm! No carbs except fruit, all the protein you could eat, a B-12 shot once a week and a diet pill plus a diuretic daily. My mom made entire turkeys for me and I ate all I wanted while losing HUGE amounts of weight. Then I started eating bread again. FAIL.
- Weight Watchers: Didn't work at all. I maybe lost 15 pounds the whole time. I'm not a 'meeting', 'let's share' type of person. I hated the public weigh-ins the most. I gain weight every month when I'm on my period, like most women do. I remember the old guy supervising the weigh-ins being shocked once that I put on 3 lbs. in one week. He shrieked "THREE POUNDS!?! YOU GAINED THREE POUNDS?!?!" I was like "Do you have a uterus? No? Then shut the hell up." I received a smattering of applause for that.
- Jenny Craig: Horrid food. I never had a salt habit till Jenny Craig and I still blame that shitty bland food for it. And it was incredibly expensive. Worked about as well as Weight Watchers.
- Umm....can't remember. Maybe Physician's Weight Loss: It was Jenny-Craig LIKE in that you had to go to a place and talk to someone all the time. There was 'weight-loss jello' involved and food diaries. I remember it cost about $600 to join up. I can't even remember if I lost any weight at all on that plan.
- Phen/Fen, physician-supervised: We traveled to some weight-loss clinic in Kentucky ran by a complete asshole. He told me that to be at the weight I was at I had to be consuming about 10,000 calories a day. I seriously told him he was nuts. And he was. I have never been one of those obese people shoving three Big Macs at a time down my throat. I ate too much of the wrong things, yes. But never 10,000 calories a day. Kiss my ass, man. Phen/fen actually worked quite well at first but then we heard about side effects so stopped taking it. If you don't know about that whole controversy, you can read about it here.
- Slim Fast: I tried to drink one shake and threw it back up it was so disgusting. That was the end of that.
- Over-the-counter diet pills. Dexatrim, Xenadrine, strange things traveling salesmen brought to my parents' video stores.
- I had lots of those 'diets' where you say "Tomorrow, I'm going to eat better." And it lasts a few days. You know what I mean. I tried to do it on my own a lot, in addition to all these organized plans.
Now I know some of those plans I talked about above have worked great for other people. I also know some of them have changed a lot since I was on them. But at the time, they didn't work for me.
Then I gave up. I really did. I was tired. I mean, you try something over and over with the same results and after a while it just gets demoralizing. There comes a time when your body mass index is nothing compared to the crushing weight of your own failure. Around age 29, I went on the 'divorce diet' which coincided with the 'discovery of the Internet' diet and lost about 30 pounds without really trying. Then I moved to Canada and gained it all back plus a LOT more.
When I was diagnosed with diabetes, I tried this revolutionary thing - eating less and moving more. It worked because I stuck to it, mostly out of fear. I was scared because I was sick. I lost about 50 pounds. Then I started working again and fell back into old habits. Gained it all back plus more.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I ended up at 444 pounds. At that point, I couldn't bear to think about another diet. Just couldn't. But I knew I had to do something and fast. So I opted for gastric bypass. Best decision I've ever made in my life.
This time, I'm determined not to fail. I have a lot going for me this time around. I have the fantastic tool my surgeon gave me. I have motivation because of the drastic step I took - I'm not going through all of this for nothing. No more diets. Just common sense and a certainty that what I'm doing will prolong my life. How does it get any better than that?
I lost three more pounds last week which put me over the top and means I've officially lost 200 pounds - 202 to be exact. Current weight: 242 - 48 more pounds to goal.
In the article, she talks about a lot of things that I totally identify with such as not being able to comfortably get out of bed in the morning serving as a major trigger that 'hello, something drastic needs to happen'. She also discusses how her famous parents tried unsuccessfully to help her with her lifetime weight problems.
My parents did, too, in their own way. One of my first childhood memories is of stepping on a scale, my mother standing over me. I remember that I was under 70 pounds and my mom seemed pleased about that. I can't remember if I'd been trying to lose weight or what, but I remember getting on that scale.
Another very early childhood memory: Coming indoors after running around playing and my father telling me that the racing feeling in my chest, the 'burn', as I would later recognize it, should be something I strive for all the time. In other words, I needed to exercise more.
My parents never overtly hassled me about my weight. I've been fat my whole life but they never put me down for it and never made me feel less than worthy. Small, quiet encouragement, yes. But not 'put the fork down you fat pig'. I know others were not as lucky as me and I'm forever grateful to my parents for that.
When I was growing up, my dad was one of those naturally thin people who seemed like he could eat whatever he wanted and never gain weight. Most of the men in my family, on both sides, were very tall and thin. The women, though, always seemed to struggle with weight. My mom was no exception.
My mom lived on a crash diet. Not a healthy-eating plan, but a crash diet. All the time. She was always tall, thin and pretty with an enviable hourglass shape. But she just about killed herself to get there. She would make us spaghetti for dinner and have a small bowl of brussel sprouts for herself. She always ate with us at the table but rarely enjoyed the same food we did. I'm not entirely sure but I think this planted the seed inside me somewhere that good food was something forbidden and bad; therefore, when I got some, I ate more than I should because we usually want more of what we think we're not supposed to have, right?
But I never went on a major diet PLAN till my senior year in high school. By then I was 297 pounds. I tried to lose weight before then, but the Atkins-like, low-carb, high-protein plan I went on when I was 18 was the first organized diet for me. And I lost about 80 pounds in three months. It was pretty awesome! Gained it all back in a year or two's time, though - plus more. And it's like a drug. After that, for the next 10-12 years, I was chasing the year or so I had where I was normal. Gotta get a hit of normal! I need it! I want it!
Zulekah talks about all the different plans she went on before resorting to gastric bypass. Again, I know exactly what she's talking about. In fact, Henry Ford Hospital makes you list all the plans you've tried in their pre-surgical evaluation. Here are mine:
- Atkins-like, physician-supervised: Worked like a freakin' charm! No carbs except fruit, all the protein you could eat, a B-12 shot once a week and a diet pill plus a diuretic daily. My mom made entire turkeys for me and I ate all I wanted while losing HUGE amounts of weight. Then I started eating bread again. FAIL.
- Weight Watchers: Didn't work at all. I maybe lost 15 pounds the whole time. I'm not a 'meeting', 'let's share' type of person. I hated the public weigh-ins the most. I gain weight every month when I'm on my period, like most women do. I remember the old guy supervising the weigh-ins being shocked once that I put on 3 lbs. in one week. He shrieked "THREE POUNDS!?! YOU GAINED THREE POUNDS?!?!" I was like "Do you have a uterus? No? Then shut the hell up." I received a smattering of applause for that.
- Jenny Craig: Horrid food. I never had a salt habit till Jenny Craig and I still blame that shitty bland food for it. And it was incredibly expensive. Worked about as well as Weight Watchers.
- Umm....can't remember. Maybe Physician's Weight Loss: It was Jenny-Craig LIKE in that you had to go to a place and talk to someone all the time. There was 'weight-loss jello' involved and food diaries. I remember it cost about $600 to join up. I can't even remember if I lost any weight at all on that plan.
- Phen/Fen, physician-supervised: We traveled to some weight-loss clinic in Kentucky ran by a complete asshole. He told me that to be at the weight I was at I had to be consuming about 10,000 calories a day. I seriously told him he was nuts. And he was. I have never been one of those obese people shoving three Big Macs at a time down my throat. I ate too much of the wrong things, yes. But never 10,000 calories a day. Kiss my ass, man. Phen/fen actually worked quite well at first but then we heard about side effects so stopped taking it. If you don't know about that whole controversy, you can read about it here.
- Slim Fast: I tried to drink one shake and threw it back up it was so disgusting. That was the end of that.
- Over-the-counter diet pills. Dexatrim, Xenadrine, strange things traveling salesmen brought to my parents' video stores.
- I had lots of those 'diets' where you say "Tomorrow, I'm going to eat better." And it lasts a few days. You know what I mean. I tried to do it on my own a lot, in addition to all these organized plans.
Now I know some of those plans I talked about above have worked great for other people. I also know some of them have changed a lot since I was on them. But at the time, they didn't work for me.
Then I gave up. I really did. I was tired. I mean, you try something over and over with the same results and after a while it just gets demoralizing. There comes a time when your body mass index is nothing compared to the crushing weight of your own failure. Around age 29, I went on the 'divorce diet' which coincided with the 'discovery of the Internet' diet and lost about 30 pounds without really trying. Then I moved to Canada and gained it all back plus a LOT more.
When I was diagnosed with diabetes, I tried this revolutionary thing - eating less and moving more. It worked because I stuck to it, mostly out of fear. I was scared because I was sick. I lost about 50 pounds. Then I started working again and fell back into old habits. Gained it all back plus more.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I ended up at 444 pounds. At that point, I couldn't bear to think about another diet. Just couldn't. But I knew I had to do something and fast. So I opted for gastric bypass. Best decision I've ever made in my life.
This time, I'm determined not to fail. I have a lot going for me this time around. I have the fantastic tool my surgeon gave me. I have motivation because of the drastic step I took - I'm not going through all of this for nothing. No more diets. Just common sense and a certainty that what I'm doing will prolong my life. How does it get any better than that?
I lost three more pounds last week which put me over the top and means I've officially lost 200 pounds - 202 to be exact. Current weight: 242 - 48 more pounds to goal.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Inked
I got my tattoo last Saturday! And I didn't even pass out or anything. Actually, it wasn't that bad. It hurt, but not as badly as I remember my first tattoo bothering me.
Erich found a very cool design online so I went with that. When I sat down to begin the tattoo, I tried not to focus on the pain and just remember what this really meant. It's an indelible reminder of all I've been through the past year. Of all I've accomplished. Of a place I never want to go back to.
I will get the final tattoo when I lose the final 50 pounds, at the top of the 'tower'. It will be the biggest heart, of course.
Some of those pictures were freaky to me when I first saw them. Not so much the tattooing, but the way I look in them. Especially the one in the top row, on the right. Is that me?? I don't think that looks anything like me. That looks like someone who is normal, thin even. I look at that picture and don't see a fat girl. LOL! It's just weird to me when I see pics of myself and I don't recognize me.
I decided to get another small tatt just for the hell of it. It's my maiden name on my wrist. I've always wanted to do something with my name and it took about 15 minutes. Still hurt, though!
I lost 7 pounds last week which put me at 245 - 199 pounds total lost. I was thrilled, but man! One more pound to 200! Still, it was good to sit for my heart tatt and know I really had lost 200 pounds. Well, almost.
We had beautiful weather all last week, so I was outside every day after work walking, jogging and hiking. It made me wonder if it would be better for me to exercise on my own rather than at the gym. I think I will keep my membership for rainy days this spring and summer. Or for smog alert days - yes, we get those here. But I find I so enjoyed being outside. I can't see driving to the gym to walk on a treadmill when I can be outside in the fresh air. Makes no sense to me. And I haven't lost seven pounds in one week since...well, since before I joined the gym. I was walking outside the last time that happened. Things that make you go hmmm...
I bought a belt over the weekend! I honestly don't remember the last time I owned a belt. No idea. But I need one now for those jeans I bought a few weeks back; the size 22-jeans that I was sure I couldn't fit into. Well, they're too big in the waist already. I could probably do with a 20. Go figure. I must stop buying clothes because my sizes will change so much more rapidly now.
Another thing that happened over the weekend was I finally changed out my earrings - which means my ears are totally healed! Woot! I can wear earrings! I'm very easily amused. LOL!
I'm now 51 pounds away from my goal of 194 pounds (amended from my previous goal of 200 pounds even). Fifty-one ain't that much, ya'll. I'd love to be there by my one-year surgical anniversary. But if that doesn't happen, it's ok. I've accomplished a lot and it will come off eventually. I have faith in that.
Erich found a very cool design online so I went with that. When I sat down to begin the tattoo, I tried not to focus on the pain and just remember what this really meant. It's an indelible reminder of all I've been through the past year. Of all I've accomplished. Of a place I never want to go back to.
I will get the final tattoo when I lose the final 50 pounds, at the top of the 'tower'. It will be the biggest heart, of course.
Some of those pictures were freaky to me when I first saw them. Not so much the tattooing, but the way I look in them. Especially the one in the top row, on the right. Is that me?? I don't think that looks anything like me. That looks like someone who is normal, thin even. I look at that picture and don't see a fat girl. LOL! It's just weird to me when I see pics of myself and I don't recognize me.
I decided to get another small tatt just for the hell of it. It's my maiden name on my wrist. I've always wanted to do something with my name and it took about 15 minutes. Still hurt, though!
I lost 7 pounds last week which put me at 245 - 199 pounds total lost. I was thrilled, but man! One more pound to 200! Still, it was good to sit for my heart tatt and know I really had lost 200 pounds. Well, almost.
We had beautiful weather all last week, so I was outside every day after work walking, jogging and hiking. It made me wonder if it would be better for me to exercise on my own rather than at the gym. I think I will keep my membership for rainy days this spring and summer. Or for smog alert days - yes, we get those here. But I find I so enjoyed being outside. I can't see driving to the gym to walk on a treadmill when I can be outside in the fresh air. Makes no sense to me. And I haven't lost seven pounds in one week since...well, since before I joined the gym. I was walking outside the last time that happened. Things that make you go hmmm...
I bought a belt over the weekend! I honestly don't remember the last time I owned a belt. No idea. But I need one now for those jeans I bought a few weeks back; the size 22-jeans that I was sure I couldn't fit into. Well, they're too big in the waist already. I could probably do with a 20. Go figure. I must stop buying clothes because my sizes will change so much more rapidly now.
Another thing that happened over the weekend was I finally changed out my earrings - which means my ears are totally healed! Woot! I can wear earrings! I'm very easily amused. LOL!
I'm now 51 pounds away from my goal of 194 pounds (amended from my previous goal of 200 pounds even). Fifty-one ain't that much, ya'll. I'd love to be there by my one-year surgical anniversary. But if that doesn't happen, it's ok. I've accomplished a lot and it will come off eventually. I have faith in that.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
A matter of movement
I lost 5 pounds this week. Here's the odd thing - on Friday, I stepped on the scale and was at minus three; I got back on Saturday just for the heck of it and was down two more. So my friend and I are on speaking terms again. LOL!
Seriously, it's a matter of movement. If you want to lose weight, you. have. to. move. I actually made it to the gym three times in the past week, plus I've been doing my calisthenics and some cardio here at home on the 'off' days. Yes I'm tired, no I don't feel like it sometimes, but if I just push my ass off the couch I feel so much better physically and emotionally afterwards. It's worth the effort; and it shows on the scale.
It's getting a bit warmer these days so I can't wait to get outside for some exercise. I got so tired of walking last year but now I'm anxious to take a power walk, or even a jog, around my neighborhood. I mentioned a long time ago that I wanted to be one of those women running on the sidewalk, ponytail bobbing up and down, looking like she had her shit together. Well, that might be me by the end of the summer this year.
I don't know why I want to run so badly. It bothers my knees, for sure. But I feel like I need to for some reason. Maybe I see the ability to jog as proof positive of a certain level of fitness.
When I was in elementary school, we had a 'jogging drive' for charity. You had people sponsor you and we all ran laps around the gym. There were HUGE white sheets of paper on the walls telling everyone who ran the farthest. There were sheets for 1/4 mile, 1/2 mile, etc., on up to I think four miles. I remember looking at those sheets and being flabbergasted that someone could run four miles! I also remember running laps and people literally 'running laps' around me. One girl, as she passed me, pulled my sweatpants down; see, everyone else had cool shorts on but I wouldn't wear shorts in gym so I had on sweatpants. Nice. I felt fat, defeated and ashamed. Yeah, I was the fat girl even back then. I've been the fat girl all my life, really. So maybe it goes back to that day. I want to run to prove I can, I suppose. And I do jog sprints on the treadmill at the gym. It makes me feel almost superhuman when I do that!
So I'm at 252 now with a total loss of 192 lbs. I will soon be at my next 50-lb. goal of 200 total!
I've been talking about a tattoo forever. So long that ya'll are probably tired of hearing me. But I have an appointment next Saturday the 20th to get my weight-loss tattoo. I've decided on a heart for every 50 pounds, going from just below my neck down the center of my back. Five hearts in all. I'll get four on Saturday since I'm so close to 200 lost at this point. The final heart will be at the top and I want to make it stand out in some way which I haven't figured out yet. I like the idea of hearts to symbolize love...my love of myself. I'm losing this weight for me and see the hearts as a expression of how I care about myself, my body, my life.
I also have Tim (the tattoo guy) working on another design for me. Something very special that may require me going under general anesthesia to withstand as I'm a total wuss when it comes to pain. However, we'll see how it goes. More about that when the time comes.
I'm really behind on my rewards. I'm just so busy during the week then on weekends, I spend one day running errands and one day resting, normally. But my rewards are important and these two tattoos are a step in the right direction. :)
Seriously, it's a matter of movement. If you want to lose weight, you. have. to. move. I actually made it to the gym three times in the past week, plus I've been doing my calisthenics and some cardio here at home on the 'off' days. Yes I'm tired, no I don't feel like it sometimes, but if I just push my ass off the couch I feel so much better physically and emotionally afterwards. It's worth the effort; and it shows on the scale.
It's getting a bit warmer these days so I can't wait to get outside for some exercise. I got so tired of walking last year but now I'm anxious to take a power walk, or even a jog, around my neighborhood. I mentioned a long time ago that I wanted to be one of those women running on the sidewalk, ponytail bobbing up and down, looking like she had her shit together. Well, that might be me by the end of the summer this year.
I don't know why I want to run so badly. It bothers my knees, for sure. But I feel like I need to for some reason. Maybe I see the ability to jog as proof positive of a certain level of fitness.
When I was in elementary school, we had a 'jogging drive' for charity. You had people sponsor you and we all ran laps around the gym. There were HUGE white sheets of paper on the walls telling everyone who ran the farthest. There were sheets for 1/4 mile, 1/2 mile, etc., on up to I think four miles. I remember looking at those sheets and being flabbergasted that someone could run four miles! I also remember running laps and people literally 'running laps' around me. One girl, as she passed me, pulled my sweatpants down; see, everyone else had cool shorts on but I wouldn't wear shorts in gym so I had on sweatpants. Nice. I felt fat, defeated and ashamed. Yeah, I was the fat girl even back then. I've been the fat girl all my life, really. So maybe it goes back to that day. I want to run to prove I can, I suppose. And I do jog sprints on the treadmill at the gym. It makes me feel almost superhuman when I do that!
So I'm at 252 now with a total loss of 192 lbs. I will soon be at my next 50-lb. goal of 200 total!
I've been talking about a tattoo forever. So long that ya'll are probably tired of hearing me. But I have an appointment next Saturday the 20th to get my weight-loss tattoo. I've decided on a heart for every 50 pounds, going from just below my neck down the center of my back. Five hearts in all. I'll get four on Saturday since I'm so close to 200 lost at this point. The final heart will be at the top and I want to make it stand out in some way which I haven't figured out yet. I like the idea of hearts to symbolize love...my love of myself. I'm losing this weight for me and see the hearts as a expression of how I care about myself, my body, my life.
I also have Tim (the tattoo guy) working on another design for me. Something very special that may require me going under general anesthesia to withstand as I'm a total wuss when it comes to pain. However, we'll see how it goes. More about that when the time comes.
I'm really behind on my rewards. I'm just so busy during the week then on weekends, I spend one day running errands and one day resting, normally. But my rewards are important and these two tattoos are a step in the right direction. :)
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Still a struggle
I had my first gain since my surgery this week. I weigh myself on Fridays. One pound up. And the scale didn't move much in February, either. Now, I weighed myself this morning and that pound is gone. So who the hell knows? All I know is I need to refocus because my friend is trying to tell me that something I'm doing isn't working.
I have been crazy busy at work since the first of the year. It's a challenge to find time to get to the gym, even more of a challenge to find the energy to even want to. Who wants to go work out after putting in a 10-hr. day? Not me! But I suppose the definition of discipline is doing something even when you don't feel like it. Plus I had a horrible 'time of the month' week before last and going to the gym was not on the effin' radar. No way.
This past week I've come home and did my cardio DVD a couple times plus some training with dumbbells and stuff but I do need to make myself go to the gym. Even if I'm exhausted, even if it means I'll get home past 8 p.m. I hate days like that. Seems all I get done is get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, get up, go to work. BLAH.
I've encountered people who, when they find out I've lost over 150 lbs., will ask me how I did it. That's always the first thing everyone wants to know, right? A few times, when I've said that I had gastric bypass, they seem almost disappointed. They'll say "ohhhh, ok" and nod their head. Hello? Like I went under the knife and came out 187 lbs. lighter with no effort involved at all. I think that's the biggest misconception about the surgery. It's not a magic wand. It will certainly HELP you lose weight but you still have to commit to a drastic lifestyle change.
Today is my 8-month post-op anniversary. Eight months post-op is so terribly different from, say, four months post-op. I can eat a lot more food, for one thing - volume wise. I get hungry more often. I'm becoming somewhat normal again and that's all part of the recovery. I had been warned by the Henry Ford staff as well as in all the books on gastric bypass that I've read to not freak out when this happens, to not think the surgery is failing me or something. It really IS quite a shock when it first starts. We have to rein it in or it can be so easy to fall back into old habits.
I'm starting learn that potato chips are my new weakness. LOL! I can't have sweets, but I can eat potato chips! As soon as I recognized that I was eating them too often, I stopped buying them for the house. Funny, because I never used to eat them that much. Now I could walk down the chip aisle the way I used to browse around the bakery - with stars in my eyes. I also recognize this craving for chips is most likely stress related. As I said, work has been nuts. And I'm definitely an emotional eater.
My eating habits are still good, though. The pouch, the "tool", gives you lots of practice on portion control and good nutrition before it expands as it's supposed to. I just need to find time and energy to move more.
Gastric bypass is no different than any other "diet" in that you have to keep at it. You have to use the tool given to you to stay on course for the rest of your life. People DO gain all the weight back that they've lost with gastric bypass. If any of you watch The Biggest Loser, you might remember Ron from two seasons ago. He had the exact same procedure I did and ended up on campus weighing over 400 pounds again. I just can't even imagine what he went through or how that made him feel.
I going to make a vow to myself, and to all of you, right now that I won't let that happen to me. I've come too far and been through too much, worked too hard to backslide now. Maybe that pound was water weight or whatever but it was a wake-up call. Make time for the gym. NOW!
It's a beautiful day outside and I think I'll do something I haven't done in a long time - go for a walk, outside in the sunshine. Then I'll get my ass to the gym before joining my brother-in-law to watch the Oscars! Go Precious and its cast!
Something I tried last night as a snack that I thought I'd share - one coarsely chopped apple sprinkled with cinnamon, microwaved one minute then drizzled with sugar-free caramel sauce. It tasted like caramel apple pie, I'm telling you. Awesome!
I have been crazy busy at work since the first of the year. It's a challenge to find time to get to the gym, even more of a challenge to find the energy to even want to. Who wants to go work out after putting in a 10-hr. day? Not me! But I suppose the definition of discipline is doing something even when you don't feel like it. Plus I had a horrible 'time of the month' week before last and going to the gym was not on the effin' radar. No way.
This past week I've come home and did my cardio DVD a couple times plus some training with dumbbells and stuff but I do need to make myself go to the gym. Even if I'm exhausted, even if it means I'll get home past 8 p.m. I hate days like that. Seems all I get done is get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, get up, go to work. BLAH.
I've encountered people who, when they find out I've lost over 150 lbs., will ask me how I did it. That's always the first thing everyone wants to know, right? A few times, when I've said that I had gastric bypass, they seem almost disappointed. They'll say "ohhhh, ok" and nod their head. Hello? Like I went under the knife and came out 187 lbs. lighter with no effort involved at all. I think that's the biggest misconception about the surgery. It's not a magic wand. It will certainly HELP you lose weight but you still have to commit to a drastic lifestyle change.
Today is my 8-month post-op anniversary. Eight months post-op is so terribly different from, say, four months post-op. I can eat a lot more food, for one thing - volume wise. I get hungry more often. I'm becoming somewhat normal again and that's all part of the recovery. I had been warned by the Henry Ford staff as well as in all the books on gastric bypass that I've read to not freak out when this happens, to not think the surgery is failing me or something. It really IS quite a shock when it first starts. We have to rein it in or it can be so easy to fall back into old habits.
I'm starting learn that potato chips are my new weakness. LOL! I can't have sweets, but I can eat potato chips! As soon as I recognized that I was eating them too often, I stopped buying them for the house. Funny, because I never used to eat them that much. Now I could walk down the chip aisle the way I used to browse around the bakery - with stars in my eyes. I also recognize this craving for chips is most likely stress related. As I said, work has been nuts. And I'm definitely an emotional eater.
My eating habits are still good, though. The pouch, the "tool", gives you lots of practice on portion control and good nutrition before it expands as it's supposed to. I just need to find time and energy to move more.
Gastric bypass is no different than any other "diet" in that you have to keep at it. You have to use the tool given to you to stay on course for the rest of your life. People DO gain all the weight back that they've lost with gastric bypass. If any of you watch The Biggest Loser, you might remember Ron from two seasons ago. He had the exact same procedure I did and ended up on campus weighing over 400 pounds again. I just can't even imagine what he went through or how that made him feel.
I going to make a vow to myself, and to all of you, right now that I won't let that happen to me. I've come too far and been through too much, worked too hard to backslide now. Maybe that pound was water weight or whatever but it was a wake-up call. Make time for the gym. NOW!
It's a beautiful day outside and I think I'll do something I haven't done in a long time - go for a walk, outside in the sunshine. Then I'll get my ass to the gym before joining my brother-in-law to watch the Oscars! Go Precious and its cast!
Something I tried last night as a snack that I thought I'd share - one coarsely chopped apple sprinkled with cinnamon, microwaved one minute then drizzled with sugar-free caramel sauce. It tasted like caramel apple pie, I'm telling you. Awesome!
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