Cravings, brain bypass and weirdness

I feel a little queasy today, though I'm not sure why. I moved onto stage 3 of the post-surgery diet today. That means I can have things like scrambled eggs, thinned mashed potatoes, canned tuna - even crackers and cooked/canned fruit & veggies. Almost like a normal diet! We are only supposed to try one new food a day. I had one scrambled egg for lunch and it went down fine. I felt wonky before that - the egg didn't make the wonkiness worse. Weird, but I feel funny. Not funny ha-ha, either.

I went for my first 10-min. walk this morning and came back with cramps in my side and stomach area. My mother suggested perhaps I was going too fast. Could be. I know in Detroit, everywhere we walked Erich kept telling me, "No one's chasing us...slow down." I'm so used to practically jogging when I walked for exercise BEFORE the surgery that I may have needed reminded that I just had surgery and um, maybe slow down a touch.

I noticed over the weekend that I was having cravings for stuff I don't normally eat. I think it's the I-know-I-can't-have-it-so-I-want-it syndrome. I saw a bag of Funyons on tv and thought "OH!!! FUNYONS!!!" Now I can't tell you the last time I've bought a bag of Funyons. Or cheese-filled Ritz crackers. Or pretzels! (I don't even like pretzels that much.) Or ice cream. I never crave ice cream. I have an urge to sit down with a block of sharp cheddar or colby, sourdough bread and fresh fruit. Um...I don't think I've ever done that in my life.

It's odd and I hope it passes soon. Gastric bypass patients are warned of a "hibernation period" setting in a couple weeks post op where you get a little depressed and all you want to do is sleep. I read in a book about a woman posting on a message board that, at 6 weeks post op, she still cried at Whopper commercials. Unfortunately, I can understand that (though I haven't shed any tears for missed food yet). But I guess we're too new in the process to understand how, when we are at goal weight, we will look back and shake our heads at how we could be so attached to something that was slowly killing us. Cry? No, we should be angry at the damn Whopper! I hope I can remember that when the time comes.

I tell you what has made me cry - seeing other morbidly obese people. The day we got back to town, Erich and I went to the local hospital pharmacy to get one of my post-op meds (evidently it's very hard to find here) and when we parked, this woman walked in front of the car. I drew a sharp breath and my heart broke for her. I don't mean that I felt pity. I did, I guess, but I just felt such empathy and emotion for her. I wanted to help her. She was bigger than I ever was and struggling to get across the lot. She had on capri-length pants and I could see that her shins were horribly discoloured, the result of poor circulation. Her shirt didn't fit, but I knew that wasn't her fault; where in the world could she find one that did? I can't. Not here - I shop in the States, online or my mother-in-law sews my tops for me. There was a landscaping crew a few feet away, a bunch of young, good-looking, in-shape kids. I caught her glance over at them and I knew exactly what she was thinking: "I hope they don't laugh at me. Just let me get past them invisibly." It's ironic that the bigger you become, the more you pray to be unseen. I gotta tell ya, if any of those kids had so much as CHUCKLED, I would've been out of that car and on them like white on rice. I stared at her as she made her way past them, out of my sight. No laughing, and I'm sure my sigh of relief matched hers.

I so wanted to go to her and tell her about my surgery. I wanted to give her some clothes that were long enough to cover her belly so she could feel better about herself. I felt for her immensely and I cried for her. I'm crying for her now. Of course, I'm crying for me a little, too.

There's so much to deal with emotionally that the physical part is almost easy. We almost need a brain bypass to go along with the gastric bypass! I've been told that when you lose all the weight, you don't know what to do with yourself. It takes a long time for the brain to catch up with your new body. To enjoy a meal out on the patio with friends; you will fit in the little chair and you won't break it. To realize it's ok to get on a carnival ride; the safety bar will fit over you. It takes time not to think about those things anymore. So many things that regular folk take for granted.

I'm looking forward to that new life. I really, really am!